4. 我假仙 koh 假仙

4. Góa ké-sian koh ké-sian

Góa khiā tī e̍k-sek nih, àⁿ-sin tī chúi-chô téng, siang-chhiú lia̍h chúi-chô, kim-kim siòng kiàⁿ nih góa ê bīn, it-ti̍t kàu he bô sêng sī góa ê bīn. Tī koh-lâi ê saⁿ kò pòaⁿ goe̍h nih, che chiong hoat-tián sêng chi̍t-chióng thó-ià, bê-bâng, iū-koh hō͘ lâng khí-giàn ê si̍p-koàn.

Góa tî-liáu hoat-hiān ka-tī lú lâi lú chia̍p hām-lo̍h tī e̍k-sek kiàⁿ nih ê ka-tī í-gōa, góa mā chiâⁿ gâu am-khàm góa ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Tùi Tem am-khàm, ū-sî mā tùi ka-tī am-khàm. Goán chèng hoe ê kiû-keng; goán bé chi̍t-ê joa̍h-thiⁿ iá-chhan iōng ê peng-tháng. Góa ké-sian koh ké-sian; ké-sian ê kám-kak chin hó.

M̄-koh, tī sì-goe̍h chhe 10, Tem mn̄g góa kin-nî ê tō͘-ká kè-ōe ê sî, góa ê bīn-se lak lo̍h ah. Tī chit-chióng chêng-hêng, góa -- tong-jiân -- bô siūⁿ boeh an-pâi sì-goe̍h 17 hit-kang ê kè-ōe. Kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ ùi góa ê pak-lāi éng chhut-lâi, it-ti̍t kàu góa kui-sin chi̍t-chūn léng, chi̍t-chūn joa̍h.

Tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê góa, khòaⁿ toh-á tùi-bīn ê Tem, i kim-kim siòng góa, chhiong-móa kî-thāi, ná-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á, 40-nî lâi i chóng-sī án-ne siòng góa. Tem hām góa -- goán ê sio-ài si̍t-chāi hó-ūn.

"Tem," góa nâ-âu tīⁿ.

"Lí oke?" i kóng.

Jiân-āu i ì-sek tio̍h.

"Kai-sí, Ellie!" i tōa-siaⁿ kiò. "Lí ná tio̍h...!"

Góa iáu sī m̄-chai, tō ná tong-chho͘ góa m̄-chai kāng-khoán.

Góa tiām-tiām sî tiāu thâu-lō͘, kā bûn-kiāⁿ kau-tài chheng-chhó, Tem chhéng chi̍t lé-pài ê ká, ta̍k hun-cheng goán lóng chò-hóe, koh iau-chhiáⁿ m̄-chai-chêng ê gín-á chhut-lâi chia̍h chá-tàu (brunch）-- góa kā eⁿ-á phō tiâu-tiâu, pek yi chē tī góa ê kha-thúi, sīm-chì yi liòng sin koh hiⁿ-siaⁿ boeh cháu, it-ti̍t kàu góa put-tek-í kā kau hō͘ yin lāu-bú, góa ê chi̍t-tè sim-koaⁿ mā soan chhut-khì. Ta̍k hāng góa khòaⁿ tio̍h ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ -- ka-iû-chām, chhiū-á, seng-kî-koaiⁿ -- góa su-khó in ē án-nóa kè-sio̍k chûn-chāi, bô piàn-hòa. Tem hām góa ê seks pí kòe-khì 12 kò-goe̍h chóng-ha̍p koh-khah chē. Tī ko-tiau ê sî, góa kòa tī pòaⁿ-thiⁿ-téng, ná sîn-sian leh; ū kúi-ā kái, tī òaⁿ-òaⁿ ê ē-tàu sî, ná tio̍h-soa tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, kám-siū he bô chīn-pōng ê kám-kak. Góa boeh kóng siáⁿ ah, goán ū chhòng-siáⁿ neh? Goán ê chhiú tī phōe-toaⁿ nih sio-khan. Goán chò fettuccine alfredo (Italia mī), koh ná piàⁿ-sàu chàu-kha, ná thiaⁿ kah-ì thiaⁿ ê lajíoh chiat-bo̍k. Góa kō͘ chi̍t-tiâu le̍k-sek ê pò͘-kin kā sio koh tâm ê pôaⁿ-á chhit ta.

2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17 chá-khí, góa pòaⁿ kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ peh-khui ba̍k-chiu, khòaⁿ tio̍h kng. Chit-kang í-keng kòe 6 tiám-cheng koh 4 hun-cheng, góa iáu oa̍h tio̍h. Kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, góa soah m̄-káⁿ tín-tāng, góa hòⁿ-kî sí-bông boeh án-nóa lâi. Góa ká-siat, góa it-ti̍t lóng hi-bāng i tio̍h chû-pi, tī góa thàu-chá ê un-jiû khùn-bîn tang-tiong lâi. Góa oa̍t ǹg Tem, i bô tī bîn-chhn̂g téng góa ê sin-piⁿ.

"Tem!" góa tōa-siaⁿ kiò.

Góa ê hoah-siaⁿ bōe soah, i í-keng lâi kàu mn̂g-kháu, bīn-sek pháiⁿ-khòaⁿ.

"Tem," góa pêng-tām, hoaⁿ-hí kóng. I khiā tī hia, the̍h nn̄g-ê kapi-poe, chhēng lāu-sek ê gín-á tn̂g-phâu, chāi góa khòaⁿ i chiâⁿ hó.

"Góa siūⁿ kóng, lí tit-boeh sí ah!" i hoah siaⁿ.

Góa siūⁿ kóng, lí tit-boeh sí ah. Che thiaⁿ tio̍h ka-ná sī pí-lūn ê kóng-hoat. M̄-koh, i ê ì-sù chiàⁿ-chiàⁿ sī án-ne, oân-choân sī jī-bīn ê ì-sù, hō͘ góa po̍k-chhut chiam-siaⁿ ê chhiò.

Kám ē sī sim-chōng-pēⁿ hoat-chok, tiòng-hong, poa̍h-lo̍h tē-hā-sek lâu-thui? Góa goân-pún siūⁿ boeh lâu tī bîn-chhn̂g téng, kā thâu khòe tī Tem, khòaⁿ góa kám ē-tit án-ne liu kòe chit-kang, m̄-koh kàu chá-sî 10 tiám, góa iáu oa̍h tio̍h, kám-kak chhau-hoân, táⁿ tōa. Kì-jiân he chóng sī ē lâi, ná boeh tó tī chia ai-ai oàn-oàn?

"Lán lâi chhut-khì," góa kóng.

Tem gî-sim khòaⁿ góa.

"Góa bô pēⁿ bô thiàⁿ a̍h án-nóa." Góa kā phōe-toaⁿ phiaⁿ-khui, khiā khí-lâi, lom hó góa hit-niá hó-chhēng ê kū gû-á-khò͘.

Gōa-kháu khòaⁿ tio̍h ká-ná khah hûi-hiám -- ū khó-lêng sī lak-lo̍h ê chhiū-oe, kò͘-chiong ê tiàu-chhia, chông chiūⁿ jîn-hêng-tō ê torákuh. M̄-koh, tī chhù nih mā chin iông-ī lia̍h tio̍h góa -- niáu-chhí-io̍h khǹgm̄-tio̍h ūi, chia̍h bah kha̍h nâ-âu, sé-e̍k-chô ku̍t liu-liu.

"Oke," góa ná kóng ná ta̍h chhut mn̂g, Tem tī góa āu-bīn tiû-tû.

- -

4. 我假仙 koh 假仙

我徛 tī 浴室 nih, àⁿ 身 tī 水槽頂, 雙手掠水槽, 金金相鏡 nih 我 ê 面, 一直到 he 無成是我 ê 面. Tī 閣來 ê 三個半月 nih, 這將發展成一種討厭, 迷茫, 又閣予人起癮 ê 習慣.

我除了發現家己 lú 來 lú 捷陷落 tī 浴室鏡 nih ê 家己以外, 我 mā 誠 gâu 掩崁我 ê 驚惶. 對 Tem 掩崁, 有時 mā 對家己掩崁. 阮種花 ê 球莖; 阮買一个熱天野餐用 ê 冰桶. 我假仙 koh 假仙; 假仙 ê 感覺真好.

毋過, tī 四月初 10, Tem 問我今年 ê 渡假計畫 ê 時, 我 ê 面紗 lak 落 ah. Tī 這種情形, 我 -- 當然 -- 無想欲安排四月 17 彼工 ê 計畫. 驚惶 ùi 我 ê 腹內湧出來, 一直到我規身一陣冷, 一陣熱.

著驚 ê 我, 看桌仔對面 ê Tem, 伊金金相我, 充滿期待, 若像一个囡仔, 40 年來伊總是 án-ne 相我. Tem 和我 -- 阮 ê 相愛實在好運.

"Tem," 我嚨喉滇.

"你 oke?" 伊講.

然後伊意識著.

"該死, Ellie!" 伊大聲叫. "你那著...!"

我猶是毋知, tō ná 當初我毋知仝款.

我恬恬辭掉頭路, kā 文件交代清楚, Tem 請一禮拜 ê 假, 逐分鐘阮攏做伙, koh 邀請毋知情 ê 囡仔出來食早晝 (brunch) -- 我 kā 嬰仔抱牢牢, 迫她坐 tī 我 ê 跤腿, 甚至她躘身 koh hiⁿ 聲欲走, 一直到我不得已 kā 交予姻老母, 我 ê 一塊心肝 mā soan 出去. 逐項我看著 ê 物件 -- 加油站, 樹仔, 升旗杆 -- 我思考 in 會按怎繼續存在, 無變化. Tem 和我 ê seks 比過去 12 個月總合閣較濟. Tī 高潮 ê 時, 我掛 tī 半天頂, ná 神仙 leh; 有幾若改, tī 晏晏 ê 下晝時, ná 著痧倒 tī 眠床, 感受 he 無盡磅 ê 感覺. 我欲講啥 ah, 阮有創啥 neh? 阮 ê 手 tī 被單 nih 相牽. 阮做 fettuccine alfredo (Italia 麵), koh ná 拚掃灶跤, ná 聽佮意聽 ê lajíoh 節目. 我 kō͘ 一條綠色 ê 布巾 kā 燒 koh 澹 ê 盤仔拭焦.

2043 年四月 17 早起, 我半驚惶擘開目睭, 看著光. 這工已經過 6 點鐘 koh 4 分鐘, 我猶活著. 驚一趒, 我煞毋敢振動, 我好奇死亡欲按怎來. 我假設, 我一直攏希望伊著慈悲, tī 我透早 ê 溫柔睏眠當中來. 我越 ǹg Tem, 伊無 tī 眠床頂我 ê 身邊.

"Tem!" 我大聲叫.

我 ê 喝聲未煞, 伊已經來到門口, 面色歹看.

"Tem," 我平淡, 歡喜講. 伊徛 tī 遐, 提兩个 kapi 杯, 穿老式 ê 囡仔長袍, 在我看伊誠好.

"我想講, 你得欲死 ah!" 伊喝聲.

我想講, 你得欲死 ah. 這聽著 ka-ná 是比論 ê 講法. 毋過, 伊 ê 意思正正是 án-ne, 完全是字面 ê意思, 予我爆出尖聲 ê 笑.

敢會是心臟病發作, 中風, 跋落地下室樓梯? 我原本想欲留 tī 眠床頂, kā 頭蹶 tī Tem, 看我敢會得 án-ne 溜過這工, 毋過到早時 10 點, 我猶活著, 感覺操煩, 膽大. 既然 he 總是會來, 那欲倒 tī 遮哀哀怨怨?

"咱來出去," 我講.

Tem 疑心看我.

"我無病無疼 a̍h 按怎." 我 kā 被單抨開, 徛起來, lom 好我彼領好穿 ê 舊牛仔褲.

外口看著 ká-ná 較危險 -- 有可能是 lak 落 ê 樹椏, 故障 ê 吊車, 傱上人行道 ê torákuh. 毋過, tī 厝 nih mā 真容易掠著我 -- 鳥鼠藥囥毋著位, 食肉闔嚨喉, 洗浴槽滑溜溜.

"Oke," 我 ná 講 ná 踏出門, Tem tī 我後面躊躇.

- -

4.

I stood there in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, clinging to the sink, staring at my face in the mirror until it no longer felt like my face. This would develop into a distasteful and disorienting but addictive habit over the course of the next three and a half months.

Aside from the increasing frequency with which I found myself falling into myself in the bathroom mirror, I got pretty good at hiding my dread. From Tem, and even at times from myself. We planted bulbs; we bought a cooler for summer picnics. I pretended and pretended; it felt nice to pretend.

Yet when Tem asked, on April 10, what I’d planned for this year’s getaway, the veil fell away. Given the circumstance, I had — of course — neglected to make any plans for the 17th. The dread rushed outward from my gut until my entire body was hot and cold.

Panicking, I looked across the table at Tem, who was gazing at me openly, hopefully, boyishly, the way he’d looked at me for almost four decades. Tem and I — we’ve been so lucky in love.

“Tem,” I choked.

“You okay?” he said.

And then he realized.

“Damn it, Ellie!” he yelled. “Why’d you have to — !”

I still didn’t know, just as I hadn’t known way back then.

I quietly quit my job, handed in the paperwork, and Tem took the week off, and we spent every minute together and invited the blissfully ignorant kids out for brunch (I clutched the baby, forced her to stay in my lap even as she tried to wiggle and whine her way out, until eventually I had to hand her over to her mother, a chunk of my heart squirming away from me). Everything I saw — a gas station, a tree, a flagpole — I thought how it would go on existing, just the same. Tem and I had more sex than we’d had in the previous twelve months combined. Briefly I hung suspended and immortal in orgasm, and a few times, lying sun-stroked in bed in the late afternoon, felt infinite. What can I say, what did we do? We held hands under the covers. We made fettuccine alfredo and, cleaning the kitchen, listened to our favorite radio show. I dried the dishes with a green dishcloth, warm and damp.

On the morning of April 17, 2043, I was half-amazed to open my eyes to the light. Six hours and four minutes into the day, and I was alive. Petrified, scared to move even a muscle, I wondered how death would come for me. I supposed I’d been hoping it would come mercifully, in the soft sleep of early morning. I turned to Tem, who wasn’t in bed beside me.

“Tem!” I screamed.

He was in the doorway before I’d reached the “m,” his face stricken.

“Tem,” I said plaintively, joyously. He looked so good to me, standing there holding two coffee mugs, his ancient baby-blue robe.

“I thought you were dying!” he exclaimed.

I thought you were dying. It sounded like a figure of speech. But he meant it so literally, so very literally, that I gave a short sharp laugh.

Would it be a heart attack, a stroke, a tumble down the basement stairs? I had the inclination to stay in bed resting my head on Tem, see if I might somehow sneak through the day, but by 10 a.m. I was still alive and feeling antsy, bold. Why lie here whimpering when it was coming for me no matter what?

“Let’s go out,” I said.

Tem looked at me doubtfully.

“It’s not like I’m sick or anything.” I threw the sheets aside, stood up, pulled on my old comfy jeans.

The outside seemed more dangerous — there it could be a falling branch, a malfunctioning crane, a truck raring up onto the sidewalk. But it could just as easily catch me at home — misplaced rat poison, a chunk of meat lodged in my throat, a slick bathtub.

“Okay,” I said as I stepped out the door, Tem hesitant behind me.

- -