⑩. Kā 你講恁小妹 ê 代誌

10. Kā lí kóng lín sió-mōe ê tāi-chì

Ta̍k-nî, in lóng hō͘ goán chò kāng-khoán hó-chhiò, kó͘-chá ê sim-lí chhek-giām, its Minnesota To-siòng Jîn-keh Chhek-giām; ta̍k-nî góa lóng thiâu-kang kéng góa chai-iáⁿ Samantha bē kéng ê tap-àn. Chóng--sī, lí-lūn-tek goán ê sèng-keh te̍k-teng kan-ta 50% sī sio-kāng ê. M̄-koh, kin-kì Kevin ê kóng-hoat, múi-nî Samantha hām góa chha-put-to ta̍k-ê tê-bo̍k lóng kéng sio-kāng ê tap-àn.

Góa teh lia̍h bē-tiāⁿ tē-sì tê: "Góa nā sī kì-chiá, góa chin kah-ì pò-tō hì-kio̍k ê sin-bûn." Tùi góa lâi kóng, tap-àn sī F, góa thó-ià hì-kio̍k. He siuⁿ sô. M̄-koh, Samantha chóng-sī kah-ì hì-kio̍k, sīm-chì tī ko-tiong ê sî, bô teh bô-êng hām sí-tóng hah tōa-môa ê sî, yi bat chham-ka kòe chi̍t/nn̄g-chhut. M̄-koh, chit-ê būn-tê ū tām-po̍h-á -- kám-kak ná sī boeh phīⁿ chhut tông-sèng-loân chhu-hiòng ê n̂g-sng chhì-thàm -- hō͘ góa kám-kak Samantha ē soán F, kō͘ án-ne lâi péng-pôaⁿ, sui-bóng yi ê chin-si̍t tap-àn khó-lêng sī T. Tio̍h, tō sī án-ne. Góa koat-tēng Samantha ē soán F; chū-án-ne góa boeh soán T. Góa ê chhiú tī T ê kho͘-á téng se̍h. M̄-koh, tán leh! Kì-jiân goán chóng-sī soán kāng-khoán ê tap-àn, góa ì-sek tio̍h, chit-pái góa eng-kai tī chòe-āu kái-piàn góa ê thui-lūn, péng-pôaⁿ khì F.

F tō sī tap-àn.

Góa kō͘ chit-chióng hùi-khì ê hong-sek hôe-tap múi chi̍t-ê būn-tê, lóng kō͘ chòe-āu ê péng-pôaⁿ.

Lo̍h-bóe, góa tī lí-koán tn̂g-tn̂g, pho͘-tē-thán ê cháu-lông tú tio̍h Kevin.

"97%!" i ná kóng, ná gia̍h-chhiú boeh kap góa phok chhiú-pôaⁿ. "Hām téng-pái kāng-khoán."

"Kai-sí."

Kevin lia̍h góa ê chhiú, tháⁿ hiòng góa. I it-ti̍t tháⁿ, it-ti̍t kā góa sak kàu chi̍t-ê bô thang-á ê pâng-keng, lāi-bīn kan-ta ū chi̍t-tè toh-á kap chi̍t-tâi khì-chúi hoàn-bē-ki. Kevin khòaⁿ góa. Góa mā khòaⁿ Kevin. I he e̍h-e̍h-á ê chéng-thâu-á ná jiû-hî-á chhiu lia̍h tio̍h góa ê chhiú.

"Lín nn̄g-ê chin-chiàⁿ chiâⁿ chhù-bī."

Góa í-keng koàn-sì Kevin ê thiu-siōng (抽象) ê ài-ì, só͘-í góa khì hō͘ i he bô-ún-tēng, hui-ha̍k-su̍t-tek ê kí-tōng kiaⁿ tio̍h -- iû-kî sī i he góa m̄-bat chù-ì kòe ê giàng khí-lâi ê ba̍k-bâi-mo͘. Góa m̄-chai he sī in-ūi nî-kí cheng-ka -- a̍h sī in-ūi i khì kā chián chiah ē án-ne. Kevin kā góa lia̍h tiâu-tiâu ê sî, góa teh siūⁿ che. Chin chheng-chhó, i sī ūi góa teh pìⁿ pá-hì.

I àⁿ koh-khah kīn. "Góa ē-sái kā lí kóng lín sió-mōe ê tāi-chì."

"Kín kóng."

"Góa bē-sái."

"Án-nóa bē-sái?"

"Góa ū chhiam pó-bi̍t hia̍p-gī."

Góa chhiò chhut-lâi. "He chìn-chêng mā bô chó͘-tòng tio̍h lí." Góa kā chhiú thiu tńg-lâi.

"Sī ah, bô m̄-tio̍h," i siang-chhiú kau-chhap mo͘h tī heng-chêng, "he sī chìn-chêng. Chit-má tāi-chì bô kāng ah."

"Lí ná ē án-ne piáu-hiān?"

"Án-nóa piáu-hiān?"

"Bē-su lí siūⁿ boeh kap góa sio-kàn."

Hoeh chhèng kàu Kevin ê bīn. "Góa bô án-ne kóng."

"Lí sī bô án-ne kóng."

*

10. Kā 你講恁小妹 ê 代誌

逐年, in lóng 予阮做仝款好笑, 古早 ê 心理測驗, its Minnesota 多相人格測驗; 逐年我 lóng thiâu 工揀我知影 Samantha 袂揀 ê 答案. 總是, 理論 tek 阮 ê 性格特徵干焦 50% 是相仝 ê. M̄-koh, 根據 Kevin ê 講法, 每年 Samantha 和我差不多逐个題目 lóng 揀相仝 ê 答案.

我 teh 掠袂定第四題: "我若是記者, 我真佮意報導戲劇 ê 新聞." 對我來講, 答案是 F, 我討厭戲劇. 彼 siuⁿ 趖. M̄-koh, Samantha 總是佮意戲劇, 甚至 tī 高中 ê 時, 無 teh 無閒和死黨哈大麻 ê 時, 她 bat 參加過一兩齣. M̄-koh, 這个問題有淡薄仔 -- 感覺 ná 是欲鼻出同性戀趨向 ê 黃酸試探 -- 予我感覺 Samantha 會選 F, kō͘ án-ne 來 péng 盤, 雖罔她 ê 真實答案可能是 T. 著, tō 是 án-ne. 我決定 Samantha 會選 F; 自 án-ne 我欲選 T. 我 ê 手 tī T ê 箍仔頂踅. M̄-koh, 等 leh! 既然阮總是選仝款 ê 答案, 我意識著, 這擺我應該 tī 最後改變我 ê 推論, péng 盤去 F.

F tō 是答案.

我 kō͘ 這種費氣 ê 方式回答每一个問題, lóng kō͘ 最後 ê péng 盤.

落尾, 我 tī 旅館長長, 鋪地毯 ê 走廊拄著 Kevin.

"97%!" 伊 ná 講, ná 攑手欲 kap 我撲手盤. "和頂擺仝款."

"該死."

Kevin 掠我 ê 手, tháⁿ 向我. 伊一直 tháⁿ, 一直 kā 我捒到一个無窗仔 ê 房間, 內面干焦有一塊桌仔 kap 一台汽水販賣機. Kevin 看我. 我 mā 看 Kevin. 伊 he 狹狹仔 ê 指頭仔 ná 鰇魚仔鬚掠著我 ê 手.

"恁兩个真正誠趣味."

我已經慣勢 Kevin ê thiu-siōng (抽象) ê 愛意, 所以我去予伊 he 無穩定, 非學術 tek ê 舉動驚著 -- 尤其是伊 he 我 m̄-bat 注意過 ê giàng 起來 ê 目眉毛. 我毋知 he 是因為年紀增加 -- a̍h 是因為伊去 kā 剪才會 án-ne. Kevin kā 我掠牢牢 ê 時, 我 teh 想這. 真清楚, 伊是為我 teh pìⁿ 把戲.

伊 àⁿ koh 較近. "我會使 kā 你講恁小妹 ê 代誌."

"緊講."

"我袂使."

"Án-nóa 袂使?"

"我有簽保密協議."

我笑出來. "彼進前 mā 無阻擋著你." 我 kā 手抽轉來.

"是 ah, 無毋著," 伊雙手交插 mo͘h tī 胸前, "彼是進前. Chit-má 代誌無仝 ah."

"你那會 án-ne 表現?"

"Án-nóa 表現?"

"袂輸你想欲 kap 我 sio-kàn."

血衝到 Kevin ê 面. "我無 án-ne 講."

"你是無 án-ne 講."

*

10.

Every year, they give us the same ridiculous, ancient psychological test, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, and every year I try to pick answers I know Samantha will not pick. After all, we're supposed to have only fifty percent of our personality traits in common. And yet every year, according to Kevin, Samantha and I pick the same answers to virtually every question.

I'm struggling with number 4: "If I were a reporter I would very much like to report news of the theater." For me, the answer is F, I hate the theater. It's too slow. Samantha, though, always liked plays and even worked on one or two during high school, when she wasn't busy smoking pot with her stoner friends. But there's something about this question -- the way it feels like a pale attempt to sniff out homosexual tendencies -- that makes me think that Samantha would mark F in an attempt to be subversive, even though her true answer is probably T. Yes, that's it. I decide that Samantha will answer F; therefore I will answer T. My hand hovers above the bubble marked T. But wait! Since we always choose the same answer, I realize that this time I should invert my reasoning process now, at the last minute, and flop over to F.

F is the answer.

I answer each question via this rather laborious process, with the last-minute flop.

Afterward, I come across Kevin in one of the long, carpeted hallways of the hotel.

"Ninety-seven percent!" he says, holding up his hand for a high five. "Same as last time!"

"Damn it."

Kevin grabs my hand and veers into me. He keeps coming until he's backed me into a windowless room containing a table and a soda machine. Kevin looks at me. I look at Kevin. His narrow fingers are gripping my hand like squid tentacles.

"You two certainly are interesting."

I've become used to a kind of abstracted fondness from Kevin, so I'm surprised by his unstable, nonacademic demeanor -- magnified by a spray of wild eyebrow hairs I've never noticed. I wonder whether they've sprouted due to advancing age -- or did he give up trimming them? I ponder this while Kevin clutches me. Clearly, he's making some sort of play for me.

He leans in closer. "I could tell you things about your sister."

"Go ahead."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I signed a confidentiality agreement."

I laugh. "That never stopped you before." I pull my hand away.

"Yeah, well," he crosses his arms over his chest, "that was then. Things are different now."

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like you want to fuck me."

The blood rushes to Kevin's cheeks. "I never said that."

"You didn't say it."

*