2. Góa bē kā kóng phòaⁿ-pēⁿ ê tāi-chì
Yi chhiò. Góa kín lia̍h tio̍h hit-ê chhiò siaⁿ, tō ná chhiūⁿ ū lâng tī soaⁿ-khàm téng tīn-tōng hàiⁿ, kín khì lia̍h lâng hiat hō͘ i ê soh-á kāng-khoán.
"Koh kā góa kóng," yi kóng, "o͘ seng-seng kō͘ chhiú-sè kóng-ōe ê tāi-chì. Tāi-chì kiat-sok liáu-āu, o͘ seng-seng nā kóng, ‘góa bô-ài tńg-khì tōng-bu̍t hn̂g,’ in boeh án-nóa?"
Góa tiām-tiām bô kóng siáⁿ, yi tō kóng, "Hó lah -- nā án-ne, koh kā góa kóng chi̍t-ê tōng-bu̍t ê kò͘-sū. Góa kah-ì tōng-bu̍t kò͘-sū. M̄-koh mài kóng phòa-pēⁿ ê tāi-chì -- góa bô-ài chai-iáⁿ jīm-hô chhōa-lō͘ káu-á piàn chheⁿ-mê ê kò͘-sū."
Bē, góa chiah bē kā yi kóng phòa-pēⁿ ê tāi-chì.
"Chō͘ thiaⁿ káu ê kò͘-sū hó bô?" góa kóng. "In bô piàn chhàu-hīⁿ-lâng, in piàn kah chin gâu. Kí chi̍t-ê lē, tī New Jersey ū chi̍t-chiah kim-mo͘ la̍h-káu, i kā chhàu-hīⁿ-lâng lāu-bú iô chhéⁿ, kā thoa kàu yin chă-kiáⁿ ê pâng-keng, in-ūi hit-ê gín-á bih tī mî-phōe lāi chhiō chhiú-tiān teh khòaⁿ ang-á-chheh."
"Oh, lí ē hāi góa chhiò-sí," yi kóng. "Tio̍h, lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē hāi góa chhiò-sí."
"In kóng, chhong-bêng ê káu thiaⁿ-ōe, m̄-koh, koh khah chhong-bêng ê káu chai-iáⁿ tang-sî mài thiaⁿ-ōe."
"Tio̍h ah," yi kóng, "jīm-hô khah chhong-bêng-ê lóng chai-iaⁿ tang-sî mài thiaⁿ-ōe. Chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, taⁿ."
*
Yi tng-teh hām hit-ê tú-tú chhut-hiān ê Hó I-seng kún-sńg.
Pháiⁿ I-seng lâi, chóng-sī seng kiám-cha tiàu-tâng chiah phah chio-ho͘; chit-ê Hó I-seng bô kāng, i ē kóng chhin-chhiūⁿ "Thiⁿ-kong tùi iûⁿ-hîn chèng ê lâng bô kong-pêng" chit-chióng ōe. Hó I-seng ē in-ūi tī thêng-chhia-tiûⁿ ka-chài bô lòng tio̍h pái-kha--ê, soah lâi o-ló ka-tī. In-ūi Hó I-seng sió-khóa ài tio̍h yi, i kóng khó-lêng sī chi̍t-nî. I thoa chi̍t-tè í-á óa yi ê chhn̂g-piⁿ, koh kiàn-gī góa ē-sái khì hái soa-po͘ se̍h chi̍t tiám-cheng.
"Kă chah che siáⁿ tńg-lâi," yi kóng. "Hái soa-po͘ ê siáⁿ. A̍h sī lé-phín tiàm ê mi̍h. Kháu-bī bô iàu-kín."
I thoah yi chhn̂g piⁿ ê kòa-lî.
"Tán chi̍t-ē!" yi hoah siaⁿ.
Góa khòaⁿ lāi-té ê yi.
"Siáⁿ lóng hó," yi kóng, "tî liáu cha̍p-chì tēng-toaⁿ."
I-seng kiâⁿ khui.
Góa khòaⁿ yi ê chhùi chhiò-chhiò.
*
Khòaⁿ khí-lâi hûi-hiám ê, óng-óng bē -- chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, o͘ chôa a̍h chheng-thiⁿ loān khì-liû. Iá ū-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ tiām-tiām tī hia, chhin-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê hái soa-po͘, khiok ū chē-chē ê hûi-hiám. Tē-bīn ē khí n̂g-sek thô͘-hún, chi̍t-mê tō hō͘ si-koe se̍k ê sio-khì -- che kiò chò tē-tāng ê khì-hāu. Lí chē tī chia chhiah mô͘-kin ê sūi-chhiu, iá soa-á ē hut-jiân ná soa-lāu án-ne suh khí-lih. Khong-khì ē háu. Tī hōaⁿ-téng ê chho͘-sio̍k kong-gū nih, e̍k-kng ê chúi ka-tī móa khí-lâi, hoe-hn̂g khí kún-ká ná-chhiūⁿ le̍k-sek hái-éng. Nā bô siáⁿ tāi-chì hoat-seng, thô͘-soa ē khí poe, jia̍t-tō͘ ka-chhim, it-tit kàu kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ piàn-chò io̍k-bōng. Chit-khoán peⁿ ân ê sîn-keng kan-ta chai-lān ū hoat-tō͘ kā bé-siu.
*
"Lí teh siūⁿ i ê sî, i bē hoat-seng," yi bat án-ne hoat-hiān. "Tē-tāng, tē-tāng, tē-tāng," yi kóng.
""Tē-tāng, tē-tāng, tē-tāng," góa kóng.
Tō ná-chhiūⁿ m̄-káⁿ chē hui-ki ê lâng khò kî-tó hō͘ hui-ki mài siak, goán mā án-né tòng kàu chi̍t-ê tòe-bóe-tāng iô phòa thian-pông.
He sī 1972 nî tōa tē-tāng liáu-āu. Goán iáu tī tāi-ha̍k; goán sok-sià lī chìn-sim 5 mai. Iô liáu, góa phi̍h-pho̍k thiàu ê sim pàng bān lo̍h-lâi, yi lim 5 hūn siampén 1 hūn kam-á chiap ê chiú, kóng tòa tī Kansas ê Ocean View ê chhiò-khoe. Góa thê-gī boeh chài yi khì Hawaii, in-ūi sin sè-kài ê lêng-môe (靈媒) ī-chhek, āu-kái a̍h koh loeh hit-kái ē chhut-hiān tī hia.
He góa taⁿ bē-sái kóng -- āu-kái.
Siáng ê āu-kái? Yi khó-lêng ē án-ne mn̄g.
*
Kám kan-ta góa chù-ì tio̍h, choan-ka í-keng bô koh kóng ‘jû-kó’, taⁿ in kóng ‘tang-sî’? Tong-jiân m̄-sī án-ne; kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ ê lâng ū kúi-ā chheng ê. Goán khòaⁿ Ji̍t-pún Kim-ku seⁿ-thòaⁿ ê lō͘-sòaⁿ, khòaⁿ in án-nóa se̍h-oan. Se̍h-oan hoān-sè tāi-piáu koh khah khó-phà ê chū-jiân chai-hāi.
Góa siūⁿ boeh hō͘ yi kiaⁿ góa tī sin-piⁿ. M̄-koh yi kóng, "Góa m̄-chai kiaⁿ. Chin-chiàⁿ m̄-chai thang kiaⁿ."
Yi siáⁿ to m̄-kiaⁿ, sīm-chì bē kiaⁿ poe.
Góa ū chi̍t-ê bāng: goán pa̍k hó an-choân tòa, hui-ki tī pháu-tō kiâⁿ. Tī sî-sok 35 mai ê sî khí-poe, koh lâi, goán tō tī thiⁿ-téng, sàu kòe chhiū-á bóe. Sui-bóng án-ne, goán iáu sī chún-sî kàu-ta̍t New York.
Kám-kak chiâⁿ sóng-sîn.
Ū chi̍t-àm, góa chiū án-ne poe khì Moscow.
*
Yi bat chi̍t-kái hām góa tâng-chê poe. Hām góa poe hit-kái, si̍t ná teh poe, yi ná teh chia̍h macadamia kóe-chí-tāu. Yi chai, he si̍t ǹg koân áu 30 chhioh, koh ǹg ē áu 30 chhioh mā bē tn̄g khì. Yi án-ne siong-sìn. Yi siong-sìn khong-khì tōng-le̍k-ha̍k ê tēng-lu̍t. Góa ê sim-koaⁿ phi̍h-pho̍k chhái. Góa ē-tàng chiap-siū ê sī, sui-bóng lâng-lâng chai-iáⁿ kǹg-thih ē tîm, m̄-koh chiàn-chûn ē phû.
Taⁿ, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, m̄-koh góa bē kā kóng-phòa.
Yi ē kiaⁿ, che chin chèng-siông.
Tē-tāng liáu-āu, 6-tiám ê sin-bûn hòng-sàng chi̍t-tōaⁿ it-nî-á ha̍k-seng i-chiàu lāu-su ê chí-sī, hiòng pháiⁿ khì ê hāu-tiâⁿ tōa-siaⁿ jiáng.
"Àu-kó͘ tē-kiû!" in án-ne kiò, in-ūi siū-khì pí kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ koh khah ū-la̍t.
*
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2. 我袂 kā 她講破病 ê 代誌
她笑. 我緊掠著彼个笑聲, tō ná 像有人 tī 山崁頂 tīn-tōng 幌, 緊去掠人㧒予伊 ê 索仔仝款.
"Koh kā 我講," 她講, "烏猩猩 kō͘ 手勢講話 ê 代誌. 代誌結束了後, 烏猩猩若講, ‘我無愛轉去動物園,’ in 欲 án-nóa?"
我恬恬無講啥, 她 tō 講, "好 lah -- 若 án-ne, koh kā 我講一个動物 ê 故事. 我佮意動物故事. M̄-koh 莫講破病 ê 代誌 -- 我無愛知影任何 chhōa 路狗仔變青盲 ê 故事."
袂, 我才袂 kā 她講破病 ê 代誌.
"助聽狗 ê 故事好無?" 我講. "In 無變臭耳聾, in 變 kah 真 gâu. 舉一个例, tī New Jersey 有一隻金毛獵狗, 伊 kā 臭耳聾老母搖醒, kā 拖到姻 chă 囝 ê 房間, 因為彼个囡仔覕 tī 棉被內炤手電 teh 看尪仔冊."
"Oh, 你會害我笑死," 她講. "著, 你定著會害我笑死."
"In 講, 聰明 ê 狗聽話, m̄-koh, koh 較聰明 ê 狗知影 tang-sî 莫聽話."
"著 ah," 她講, "任何較聰明 ê lóng 知影 tang-sî 莫聽話. 親像講, 今."
*
她 tng-teh 和彼个拄拄出現 ê '好醫生' 滾耍.
'歹醫生' 來, 總是先檢查吊筒才拍招呼; 這个 '好醫生' 無仝, 伊會講親像 "天公對羊眩症 ê 人無公平" 這種話. '好醫生' 會因為 tī 停車場佳哉無挵著一个跛跤 ê, 煞來 o-ló ka-tī. 因為 '好醫生' sió-khóa 愛著她, 伊講可能是一年. 伊拖一塊椅仔倚她 ê 床邊, koh 建議我會使去海沙埔踅一點鐘.
"Kă 扎 che 啥轉來," 她講. "海沙埔 ê 啥. A̍h 是禮品店 ê 物. 口味無要緊."
伊挩她床邊 ê 掛簾.
"等一下!" 她喝聲.
我看內底 ê 她.
"啥 lóng 好," 她講, "除了雜誌訂單."
醫生行開.
我看她 ê 喙笑笑.
*
看起來危險 ê, 往往袂 -- 親像講, 烏蛇 a̍h 清天亂氣流. Iá 有 ê 物件恬恬 tī hia, 親像一个海沙埔, 卻有濟濟 ê 危險. 地面會起黃色塗粉, 一暝 tō 予西瓜熟 ê 燒氣 -- 這叫做地動 ê 氣候. 你坐 tī chia chhiah 毛巾 ê 穗鬚, iá 沙仔會忽然 ná 砂漏 án-ne 欶起 lih. 空氣會吼. Tī 岸頂 ê 粗俗公寓 nih, 浴缸 ê 水 ka-tī 滿起來, 花園起滾絞 ná 像綠色海湧. 若無啥代誌發生, 塗沙會起飛, 熱度加深, 一直到驚惶變做慾望. 這款繃絚 ê 神經干焦災難有法度 kā 買收.
*
"你 teh 想伊 ê 時, 伊袂發生," 她 bat án-ne 發現. "地動, 地動, 地動," 她講.
""地動, 地動, 地動," 我講.
Tō ná 像毋敢坐飛機 ê 人靠祈禱予飛機莫摔, 阮 mā án-né 擋到一个綴尾動搖破天篷.
彼是 1972 年大地動了後. 阮猶 tī 大學; 阮宿舍離震心 5 mai. 搖了, 我 phi̍h-pho̍k 跳 ê 心放慢落來, 她啉 5 份 siampén 1 份柑仔汁 ê 酒, 講蹛 tī Kansas ê Ocean View ê 笑詼. 我提議欲載她去 Hawaii, 因為新世界 ê lêng-môe (靈媒) 預測, 後改 a̍h koh loeh 彼改會出現 tī hia.
彼我今袂使講 -- 後改.
Siáng ê 後改? 她可能會 án-ne 問.
*
敢干焦我注意著, 專家已經無 koh 講 ‘如果’, 今 in 講 ‘tang-sî’? 當然毋是 án-ne; 驚惶 ê 人有幾若千个. 阮看日本金龜生湠 ê 路線, 看 in án-nóa 踅彎. 踅彎凡勢代表 koh 較可怕 ê 自然災害.
我想欲予她驚我 tī 身邊. M̄-koh 她講, "我毋知驚. 真正毋知通驚."
她啥 to 毋驚, 甚至袂驚飛.
我有一个夢: 阮縛好安全帶, 飛機 tī 跑道行. Tī 時速 35 mai ê 時起飛, koh 來, 阮 tō tī 天頂, 掃過樹仔尾. 雖罔 án-ne, 阮猶是準時到達 New York.
感覺誠爽神.
有一暗, 我就 án-ne 飛去 Moscow.
*
她 bat 一改和我同齊飛. 和我飛彼改, 翼 ná teh 飛, 她 ná teh 食 macadamia 果子豆. 她知, he 翼 ǹg 懸拗 30 尺, koh ǹg 下拗 30 尺 mā 袂斷去. 她 án-ne 相信. 她相信空氣動力學 ê 定律. 我 ê 心肝 phi̍h-pho̍k 採. 我會當接受 ê 是, 雖罔人人知影鋼鐵會沉, m̄-koh 戰船會浮.
今, 我看著她 ê 驚惶, m̄-koh 我袂 kā 講破.
她會驚, 這真正常.
地動了後, 6 點 ê 新聞放送一段一年仔學生依照老師 ê 指示, 向歹去 ê 校庭大聲嚷.
"漚古地球!" in án-ne 叫, 因為受氣比驚惶 koh 較有力.
*
- -
2.
She laughs, and I cling to the sound the way someone dangling above a ravine holds fast to the thrown rope.
"Tell me," she says, "about that chimp with the talking hands. What do they do when the thing ends and the chimp says, ‘I don't want to go back to the zoo'?"
When I don't say anything, she says, "Okay—then tell me another animal story. I like animal stories. But not a sick one—I don't want to know about all the seeing-eye dogs going blind."
No, I would not tell her a sick one.
"How about the hearing-ear dogs?" I say. "They're not going deaf, but they are getting very judgmental. For instance, there's this golden retriever in New Jersey, he wakes up the deaf mother and drags her into the daughter's room because the kid has got a flashlight and is reading under the covers."
"Oh, you're killing me," she says. "Yes, you're definitely killing me."
"They say the smart dog obeys, but the smarter dog knows when to disobey."
"Yes," she says, "the smarter anything knows when to disobey. Now, for example."
*
She is flirting with the Good Doctor, who has just appeared.
Unlike the Bad Doctor, who checks the IV drip before saying good morning, the Good Doctor says things like "God didn't give epileptics a fair shake." The Good Doctor awards himself points for the cripples he could have hit in the parking lot. Because the Good Doctor is a little in love with her, he says maybe a year. He pulls a chair up to her bed and suggests I might like to spend an hour on the beach.
"Bring me something back," she says. "Anything from the beach. Or the gift shop. Taste is no object."
He draws the curtain around her bed.
"Wait!" she cries.
I look in at her.
"Anything," she says, "except a magazine subscription."
The doctor turns away.
I watch her mouth laugh.
*
What seems dangerous often is not—black snakes, for example, or clear-air turbulence. While things that just lie there, like this beach, are loaded with jeopardy. A yellow dust rising from the ground, the heat that ripens melons overnight—this is earthquake weather. You can sit here braiding the fringe on your towel and the sand will all of a sudden suck down like an hourglass. The air roars. In the cheap apartments on-shore, bathtubs fill themselves and gardens roll up and over like green waves. If nothing happens, the dust will drift and the heat deepen till fear turns to desire. Nerves like that are only bought off by catastrophe.
*
"It never happens when you're thinking about it," she once observed. "Earthquake, earthquake, earthquake," she said.
"Earthquake, earthquake, earthquake," I said.
Like the aviaphobe who keeps the plane aloft with prayer, we kept it up until an aftershock cracked the ceiling.
That was after the big one in seventy-two. We were in college; our dormitory was five miles from the epicenter. When the ride was over and my jabbering pulse began to slow, she served five parts champagne to one part orange juice, and joked about living in Ocean View, Kansas. I offered to drive her to Hawaii on the new world psychics predicted would surface the next time, or the next.
I could not say that now—next.
Whose next? she could ask.
*
Was I the only one who noticed that the experts had stopped saying if and now spoke of when? Of course not; the fearful ran to thousands. We watched the traffic of Japanese beetles for deviation. Deviation might mean more natural violence.
I wanted her to be afraid with me. But she said, "I don't know. I'm just not."
She was afraid of nothing, not even of flying.
I have this dream before a flight where we buckle in and the plane moves down the runway. It takes off at thirty-five miles an hour, and then we're airborne, skimming the tree tops. Still, we arrive in New York on time.
It is so pleasant.
One night I flew to Moscow this way.
*
She flew with me once. That time she flew with me she ate macadamia nuts while the wings bounced. She knows the wing tips can bend thirty feet up and thirty feet down without coming off. She believes it. She trusts the laws of aerodynamics. My mind stampedes. I can almost accept that a battleship floats when everybody knows steel sinks.
I see fear in her now, and am not going to try to talk her out of it.
She is right to be afraid.
After a quake, the six o'clock news airs a film clip of first-graders yelling at the broken playground per their teacher's instructions.
"Bad earth!" they shout, because anger is stronger than fear.
*
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