P. Ang-sài ê Sòaⁿ-chōe | 翁婿 ê 線 chōe - 1. 欲睏進前, 我 koh 想著伊

The Husband Stitch /by Carmen Maria Machado

https://granta.com/the-husband-stitch/

Ang-sài ê Sòaⁿ-chōe | 翁婿 ê 線 chōe

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1. Boeh khùn chìn-chêng, góa koh siūⁿ tio̍h i

(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ sú-iōng ē-bīn ê siaⁿ-im:

Góa: gín-á sî, koân-tiāu siaⁿ, kín bē-kì-tit; cha-bó͘-lâng: kāng-khoán.

Tōa-hàn chò goán ang hit-ê cha-po͘ gín-á: kian-kiông, ū i ka-tī ê hó-ūn.

Goán Apa: Ná chhiūⁿ lín lāu-pē, a̍h sī lí hi-bāng chò lín lāu-pē hit-ê lâng.

Goán kiáⁿ: sè-hàn gín-á sî, un-jiû, îⁿ-jūn koh siōng iù-siù ê leng-tai siaⁿ; tōa-lâng: ná chhiūⁿ goán ang.

Só͘-ū kî-thaⁿ cha-bó͘: ē-sái hām góa ê hō͘-siong kau-ōaⁿ.)

*

Thâu-khí-seng, góa tāi-seng i, chai góa kah-ì i. Tāi-chì m̄-sī án-ne chò, m̄-koh góa tō sī boeh án-ne chò. Góa hām pē-bú lâi chham-ka chhù-piⁿ ê iàn-hōe, góa 17 hòe. Sui-bóng goán Apa bô chù-ì tio̍h, kúi hun-cheng chêng góa tī chàu-kha lim pòaⁿ-poe pe̍h pô-tô-chiú, hām chhù-piⁿ ê cha̍p-kúi-hòe chă-kiáⁿ. Sū-sū lóng chin jiû-hô, ná chhiūⁿ chi̍t-pak sin-sian ê iû-ōe.

Hit-ê cha-po͘ bīn bô ǹg góa. Góa khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê ām-kún kap kha-chiah-phiaⁿ ê kin-bah, khòaⁿ i thǹg lo̍h he ân-ân liú-tio̍h ê siatchuh. Góa kha-chhiú chin kín. M̄-sī in-ūi góa bô teh kéng. Góa seⁿ-chò súi. Góa ê chhùi chin hó-khòaⁿ. Góa ê heng-khám kā saⁿ thèⁿ koân-koân, khòaⁿ tio̍h mā ná chin thian-chin, mā ná ài chok-koài. Góa sī chi̍t-ê koai chă gín-á, ū chi̍t-ê hó ka-têng. M̄-koh i khòaⁿ tio̍h sió-khóa chho͘-iá, tō ná chhiūⁿ cha-po͘-lâng ū-sî-chūn hit-lō khoán, góa kah-ì án-ne.

Góa bat thiaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū, chi̍t-ê ko͘-niû iau-kiû yin tah-thâu chi̍t-kóa chiok pi-phí ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, i tō kā yin tau ê lâng kóng, in tō kā yi thoa khì liâu-ióng-īⁿ. Góa m̄-chai yi iau-kiû ê sī siáⁿ koài-kî ê lo̍k-thiòng, sui-bóng góa ū-kàu siūⁿ boeh chai. Ū siáⁿ sîn-kî ê mi̍h hō͘ lí hiah-nī kah-ì, soah hông ùi chit-ê se̍k-sāi ê sè-kài chhōa cháu?

Hit-ê cha-po͘ chù-ì tio̍h góa. I khòaⁿ tio̍h chiâⁿ khó-ài, chin kín-tiuⁿ. I kóng, lí-hó. I mn̄g góa ê miâ.

Góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh soán góa ê sî-chūn, iá che tō sī góa soán ê sî-chūn.

Tī pêⁿ-tâi téng, góa chim i. I kă chim tńg-lâi, Tú khai-sí khin-khin-á, āu-lâi khah tōa-la̍t, koh sīm-chì kō͘ chi̍h sió-khóa tháⁿ khui góa ê chhùi. Khiā khui ê sî, i ká-ná chiok tio̍h-kiaⁿ. I ê ba̍k-chiu sì-kè se̍h siòng chi̍t-khùn, chiah koh thêng tī góa ê ām-kún.

-- He sī siáⁿ? i mn̄g.

-- Oh, che? góa bong góa ām-kún āu-bīn ê si-tòa. Che chí-sī góa ê si-tòa. Góa ê chéng-thâu-á tī he le̍k-sek, kim-ku̍t ê tòa-á kiâⁿ pòaⁿ-liàn, lâi kàu thâu-chêng pa̍k-ân ê ia̍h-á-kat. I chhun chhiú, góa lia̍h he chhiú, kā tháⁿ khui.

--  Lí bē-sái kā bong, góa kóng. Lí bē-sái kā bong.

Goán ji̍p-khì chìn-chêng, i mn̄g i sī-m̄-sī ē-tàng koh kìⁿ góa. Góa kā kóng, góa chin goān-ì. Hit-àm, boeh khùn chìn-chêng, góa koh siūⁿ tio̍h i, i ê chi̍h tháⁿ khui góa ê chhùi; góa kō͘ chéng-thâu-á bong ka-tī, tī hia teh siūⁿ i, chióng-chióng ê kin-bah kap khoài-lo̍k ê io̍k-bōng, góa chai, goán ē kiat-hun.

*

Goán ē. Góa ê ì-sù sī, goán chiong ē kiat-hun. M̄-koh, khai-sí ê sî, i chhōa góa ji̍p i ê chhia, tī àm-sî, lâi kàu chi̍t-ê ū lòm-tē ê ô͘. I chim góa, kō͘ chhiú tēⁿ góa ê leng sì chiu-ûi, kō͘ chéng-thâu-á lián góa ê leng-thâu.

I chò he chìn-chêng, góa bô khak-tēng i boeh chhòng siáⁿ. I ngē koh sio koh ta, phīⁿ tio̍h ná pháng ê khì-bī, i kă tōng phòa ê sî, góa ai chhut-siaⁿ, kā lia̍h tiâu-tiâu, ná chhiūⁿ boeh lak lo̍h hái. I ê sin-khu kā góa só ân-ân, i it-ti̍t tu̍h koh tu̍h, boeh soah chìn-chêng, i thiu chhut-lâi, kiat-sok ê sî hō͘ góa ê hoeh kā kō móa-móa. Góa hō͘ he chiat-chàu, i he kian-tēng ê su-iàu, i he chheng-chhó ê sek-hòng só͘ khip-ín koh ngiáu-tāng. Lo̍h-bóe, i nńg siô-siô tó tī chē-ūi, góa thiaⁿ tio̍h chúi-tî lâi ê siaⁿ: bī-chúi chiáu (loon), tō͘-kâu, koh ū ná tôaⁿ banjo khîm ê siaⁿ. Hong ùi chúi-bīn chhoe lâi, hō͘ góa ê sin-khu léng lo̍h-lâi. 

Góa m̄-chai taⁿ boeh chhòng siáⁿ. Góa ē-tàng kám-kak góa ê sim-chōng tī siang-thúi tiong-kan teh thiàu-tāng. Hia ē thiàⁿ, m̄-koh góa sióng-siōng i ē-sái ū hó ê kám-kak. Góa kō͘ chhiú so ka-tī, kám-kak hn̄g-hn̄g lâi ê chūn-chūn lo̍k-thiòng. I khah bô hiah chhoán ah, góa hoat-kak tio̍h i teh khòaⁿ góa. Góa ê phôe-hu tī thàng-kòe thang-á ê goe̍h-kng-ē hoat-kng. Khòaⁿ tio̍h i teh khòaⁿ, góa chai-iáⁿ góa ē-tàng lia̍h tio̍h hit-ê lo̍k-thiòng, ná chhiūⁿ kō͘ chéng-thâu-á tîⁿ tī tit-boeh poe cháu ê ke-kui-á ê sòaⁿ-bóe án-ne. Góa ngiú-tāng koh haiⁿ-chhan, bān-bān koh ûn-ûn kiâⁿ kòe bah-kám ê tian-hong, iân-lō͘ ná kā ka-tī ê chi̍h.

-- Góa koh boeh ài, i kóng, m̄-koh i bô khí-sin tōng-chok.

I khòaⁿ chhut thang-á, góa mā khòaⁿ. Góa siūⁿ, o͘-àm tiong, siáⁿ to ū khó-lêng tī hia kiâⁿ-tāng. Chi̍t-ê thih-kau chhiú ê lâng. Chi̍t-ê ná kúi-hûn ê tah piān-chhia ê lâng teh tiông-ho̍k yi ê lí-têng. Chi̍t-ê hō͘ gín-á ê koa ùi yi ê kiàⁿ hiàm chhut-lâi ê lāu cha-bó͘. Lâng-lâng chai chiah-ê kò͘-sū -- its lâng-lâng kóng chiah-ê kó͘ -- m̄-koh m̄-bat ū lâng siong-sìn in.

I ê ba̍k-kng phiau kòe chúi-bīn, jiân-āu lak tī góa ê ām-kún.

-- Kā góa kóng lí ê si-tòa, i kóng.

-- Bô siáⁿ hó kóng. He sī góa ê si-tòa.

-- Góa ē-sái bong bô?

-- Bē-sái.

-- Góa boeh bong, i kóng.

-- Bē-sái.

Ô͘ nih ū mi̍h-kiāⁿ teh ngia̍uh-tāng, ngia̍uh chhut chúi-bīn, koh pla chi̍t-siaⁿ lak lo̍h. Thiaⁿ tio̍h siaⁿ, i oa̍t sin.

-- He sī chi̍t-bóe hî-á, i kóng.

-- Í-āu, góa kā i kóng, góa ē kā lí kóng chit-ê ô͘ kap i ê seng-but ê kò͘-sū.

I tùi góa chhiò, tēⁿ i ê ē-hâi. I ê phôe-hu bak tio̍h chi̍t sut-á góa ê hoeh, m̄-koh i bô chù-ì tio̍h, góa mā bô kóng siáⁿ.

-- Góa chin kah-ì thiaⁿ, i kóng.

-- Chhōa góa tńg-chhù, góa kā kóng.

Ná chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê sin-sū, i chiàu án-ne chò.

Hit-àm, góa sé sin-khu. Góa kha-phāng-ē he ná si-á ê sap-bûn pho sī thih-sian sek, ū thih-sian bī, m̄-koh góa pí kòe-khì jīm-hô sî-chūn lóng khah chheng-sin.

*

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1. 欲睏進前, 我 koh 想著伊

(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請使用下面 ê 聲音:

我: 囡仔時, 懸調聲, 緊袂記得; 查某人: 仝款.

大漢做阮翁彼个查埔囡仔: 堅強, 有伊 ka-tī ê 好運.

阮 Apa: Ná 像恁老爸, a̍h 是你希望做恁老爸彼个人.

阮囝: 細漢囡仔時, 溫柔, 圓潤 koh 上幼秀 ê 奶 tai 聲; 大人: ná 像阮翁.

所有其他查某: 會使和我 ê 互相交換.)

*

頭起先, 我代先伊, 知我佮意伊. 代誌毋是 án-ne 做, m̄-koh 我 tō 是欲 án-ne 做. 我和爸母來參加厝邊 ê 宴會, 我 17 歲. 雖罔阮 Apa 無注意著, 幾分鐘前我 tī 灶跤啉半杯白葡萄酒, 和厝邊 ê 十幾歲 chă 囝. 事事 lóng 真柔和, ná 像一幅新鮮 ê 油畫.

彼个查埔面無 ǹg 我. 我看著伊 ê 頷頸 kap 尻脊骿 ê 筋肉, 看伊褪落 he 絚絚鈕著 ê siatchuh. 我跤手真緊. 毋是因為我無 teh 揀. 我生做媠. 我 ê 喙真好看. 我 ê 胸坎 kā 衫 thèⁿ 懸懸, 看著 mā ná 真天真, mā ná 愛作怪. 我是一个乖 chă 囡仔, 有一个好家庭. M̄-koh 伊看著小可粗野, tō ná 像查埔人有時陣 hit-lō 款, 我佮意 án-ne.

我 bat 聽著一个故事, 一个姑娘要求姻搭頭一寡足卑鄙 ê 物件, 伊 tō kā 姻兜 ê 人講, in tō kā 她拖去療養院. 我毋知她要求 ê 是啥怪奇 ê 樂暢, 雖罔我有夠想欲知. 有啥神奇 ê 物予你 hiah-nī 佮意, 煞 hông ùi 這个熟似 ê 世界 chhōa 走?

彼个查埔注意著我. 伊看著誠可愛, 真緊張. 伊講, 你好. 伊問我 ê 名.

我一直想欲選我 ê 時陣, iá 這 tō 是我選 ê 時陣.

Tī 平台頂, 我唚伊. 伊 ka̋ 唚轉來, 拄開始輕輕仔, 後來較大力, koh 甚至 kō͘ 舌小可挺開我 ê 喙. 徛開 ê 時, 伊 ká-ná 足著驚. 伊 ê 目睭四界踅相一睏, 才 koh 停 tī 我 ê 頷頸.

-- 彼是啥? 伊問.

-- Oh, 這? 我摸我頷頸後面 ê 絲帶. 這只是我 ê 絲帶. 我 ê 指頭仔 tī he 綠色, 金滑 ê 帶仔行半輾, 來到頭前縛絚 ê 蝶仔結. 伊伸手, 我掠 he 手, kā 挺開.

--  你袂使 kā 摸, 我講. 你袂使 kā 摸.

阮入去進前, 伊問伊是毋是會當 koh 見我. 我 kā 講, 我真願意. 彼暗, 欲睏進前, 我 koh 想著伊, 伊 ê 舌挺開我 ê 喙; 我 kō͘ 指頭仔摸 ka-tī, tī hia teh 想伊, 種種 ê 筋肉 kap 快樂 ê 慾望, 我知, 阮會結婚.

*

阮會. 我 ê 意思是, 阮將會結婚. M̄-koh, 開始 ê 時, 伊 chhōa 我入伊 ê 車, tī 暗時, 來到一个有 lòm 地 ê 湖. 伊唚我, kō͘ 手捏我 ê 奶四周圍, kō͘ 指頭仔撚我 ê 奶頭.

伊做 he 進前, 我無確定伊欲創啥. 伊硬 koh 燒 koh 焦, 鼻著 ná pháng ê 氣味, 伊 kă tōng 破 ê 時, 我哀出聲, kā 掠牢牢, ná 像欲 lak 落海. 伊 ê 身軀 kā 我鎖絚絚, 伊一直揬 koh 揬, 欲煞進前, 伊抽出來, 結束 ê 時予我 ê 血 kā kō 滿滿. 我予 he 節奏, 伊 he 堅定 ê 需要, 伊 he 清楚 ê 釋放所吸引 koh 撓動. 落尾, 伊軟 siô-siô 倒 tī 坐位, 我聽著水池來 ê 聲: 沬水鳥 (loon), 杜猴, koh 有 ná 彈 banjo 琴 ê 聲. 風 ùi 水面吹來, 予我 ê 身軀冷落來. 

我毋知今欲創啥. 我會當感覺我 ê 心臟 tī 雙腿中間 teh 跳動. Hia 會疼, m̄-koh 我想像伊會使有好 ê 感覺. 我 kō͘ 手挲 ka-tī, 感覺遠遠來 ê 陣陣樂暢. 伊較無 hiah 喘 ah, 我發覺著伊 teh 看我. 我 ê 皮膚 tī 迵過窗仔 ê 月光下發光. 看著伊 teh 看, 我知影我會當掠著彼个樂暢, ná 像 kō͘ 指頭仔纏 tī 得欲飛走 ê 雞胿仔 ê 線尾 án-ne. 我扭動 koh 哼呻, 慢慢 koh 勻勻行過肉感 ê 顛峰, 沿路 ná 咬 ka-tī ê 舌.

-- 我 koh 欲愛, 伊講, m̄-koh 伊無起身動作.

伊看出窗仔, 我 mā 看. 我想, 烏暗中, 啥 to 有可能 tī hia kiâⁿ 動. 一个鐵勾手 ê 人. 一个 ná 鬼魂 ê 搭便車 ê 人 teh 重複她 ê 旅程. 一个予囡仔 ê 歌 ùi 她 ê 鏡喊出來 ê 老查某. 人人知 chiah-ê 故事 -- its 人人講 chiah-ê 古 -- m̄-koh m̄-bat 有人相信 in.

伊 ê 目光飄過水面, 然後 lak tī 我 ê 頷頸.

-- Kā 我講你 ê 絲帶, 伊講.

-- 無啥好講. 彼是我 ê 絲帶.

-- 我會使摸無?

-- 袂使.

-- 我欲摸, 伊講.

-- 袂使.

湖 nih 有物件 teh 蟯動, 蟯出水面, koh pla 一聲 lak 落. 聽著聲, 伊越身.

-- 彼是一尾魚仔, 伊講.

-- 以後, 我 kā 伊講, 我會 kā 你講這个湖 kap 伊 ê 生物 ê 故事.

伊對我笑, 捏伊 ê 下頦. 伊 ê 皮膚 bak 著一屑仔我 ê 血, m̄-koh 伊無注意著, 我 mā 無講啥.

-- 我真佮意聽, 伊講.

-- Chhōa 我轉厝, 我 kā 講.

Ná 像一个紳士, 伊照 án-ne 做.

彼暗, 我洗身軀. 我跤縫下 he ná 絲仔 ê 雪文泡是鐵鉎色, 有鐵鉎味, m̄-koh 我比過去任何時陣 lóng 較清新.

*

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1.

(If you read this story out loud, please use the following voices:

Me: as a child, high-pitched, forgettable; as a woman, the same.

The boy who will grow into a man, and be my spouse: robust with his own good fortune.

My father: Like your father, or the man you wish was your father.

My son: as a small child, gentle, rounded with the faintest of lisps; as a man, like my husband.

All other women: interchangeable with my own.)

*

In the beginning, I know I want him before he does. This isn’t how things are done, but this is how I am going to do them. I am at a neighbour’s party with my parents, and I am seventeen. Though my father didn’t notice, I drank half a glass of white wine in the kitchen a few minutes ago, with the neighbour’s teenage daughter. Everything is soft, like a fresh oil painting.

The boy is not facing me. I see the muscles of his neck and upper back, how he fairly strains out of his button-down shirts. I run slick. It isn’t that I don’t have choices. I am beautiful. I have a pretty mouth. I have a breast that heaves out of my dresses in a way that seems innocent and perverse all at the same time. I am a good girl, from a good family. But he is a little craggy, in that way that men sometimes are, and I want.

I once heard a story about a girl who requested something so vile from her paramour that he told her family and they had her hauled her off to a sanitarium. I don’t know what deviant pleasure she asked for, though I desperately wish I did. What magical thing could you want so badly that they take you away from the known world for wanting it?

The boy notices me. He seems sweet, flustered. He says, hello. He asks my name.

I have always wanted to choose my moment, and this is the moment I choose.

On the deck, I kiss him. He kisses me back, gently at first, but then harder, and even pushes open my mouth a little with his tongue. When he pulls away, he seems startled. His eyes dart around for a moment, and then settles on my throat.

– What’s that? he asks.

– Oh, this? I touch my ribbon at the back of my neck. It’s just my ribbon. I run my fingers halfway around its green and glossy length, and bring them to rest on the tight bow that sits in the front. He reaches out his hand, and I seize it and push it away.

– You shouldn’t touch it, I say. You can’t touch it.

Before we go inside, he asks if he can see me again. I tell him I would like that. That night, before I sleep, I imagine him again, his tongue pushing open my mouth, and my fingers slide over myself and I imagine him there, all muscle and desire to please, and I know that we are going to marry.

*

We do. I mean, we will. But first, he takes me in his car, in the dark, to a lake with a marshy edge. He kisses me and clasps his hand around my breast, my nipple knotting beneath his fingers.

I am not truly sure what he is going to do before he does it. He is hard and hot and dry and smells like bread, and when he breaks me I scream and cling to him like I am lost at sea. His body locks onto mine and he is pushing, pushing, and before the end he pulls himself out and finishes with my blood slicking him down. I am fascinated and aroused by the rhythm, the concrete sense of his need, the clarity of his release. Afterwards, he slumps in the seat, and I can hear the sounds of the pond: loons and crickets, and something that sounds like a banjo being plucked. The wind picks up off the water and cools my body down.

I don’t know what to do now. I can feel my heart beating between my legs. It hurts, but I imagine it could feel good. I run my hand over myself and feel strains of pleasure from somewhere far off. His breathing becomes quieter and I realize that he is watching me. My skin is glowing beneath the moonlight coming through the window. When I see him looking, I know I can seize that pleasure like my fingertips tickling the end of a balloon’s string that has almost drifted out of reach. I pull and moan and ride out the crest of sensation slowly and evenly, biting my tongue all the while.

– I need more, he says, but he does not rise to do anything.

He looks out the window, and so do I. Anything could move out there in the darkness, I think. A hook-handed man. A ghostly hitch-hiker repeating her journey. An old woman summoned from the rest of her mirror by the chants of children. Everyone knows these stories – that is, everyone tells them – but no one ever believes them.

His eyes drift over the water, and then land on my neck.

– Tell me about your ribbon, he says.

– There is nothing to tell. It’s my ribbon.

– May I touch it?

– No.

– I want to touch it, he says.

– No.

Something in the lake muscles and writhes out of the water, and then lands with a splash. He turns at the sound.

– A fish, he says.

– Sometime, I tell him, I will tell you the stories about this lake and her creatures.

He smiles at me, and rubs his jaw. A little of my blood smears across his skin, but he doesn’t notice, and I don’t say anything.

– I would like that very much, he says.

– Take me home, I tell him.

And like a gentleman, he does.

That night, I wash myself. The silky suds between my legs are the color and scent of rust, but I am newer than I have ever been.

*

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