2. Goán Abú iau-chhiáⁿ i lâi chia̍h-pn̄g
Goán pē-bú chin kah-ì i. In kóng, i sī chi̍t-ê hó gín-á. I ē sī chi̍t-ê hó cha-po͘-lâng. In mn̄g i ê chit-gia̍p, i ê hèng-chhù, kap i ê ka-têng. Múi lé-pài i lâi nn̄g-pái, ū-sî lâi saⁿ-pái. Goán Abú iau-chhiáⁿ i lâi chia̍h-pn̄g, goán teh chia̍h-pn̄g ê sî, góa kō͘ chéng-kah tàng i ê kha-thúi. Ais-krim té hó tī óaⁿ ê sî, góa kā pē-bú kóng, góa boeh kap i khì sió-hāng sàn-pō͘. Thiⁿ àm ê sî, goán chhut-hoat, tiⁿ-tiⁿ bi̍t-bi̍t chhiú khan chhiú, it-ti̍t kàu khòaⁿ bē tio̍h chhù. Góa khiú i kiâⁿ kòe chhiū-nâ, lâi kàu chi̍t-tè khàng-tē, góa hiù tiāu khò͘-boe̍h-á, kha-chhiú lo̍h-tē, hiàn-sin hō͘ i.
Góa thiaⁿ kòe só͘-ū iú-koan chhiūⁿ góa chit-khoán chă gín-á ê kò͘-sū, góa mā m̄-kiaⁿ chè-chō koh khah chē ê kò͘-sū. Góa ū nn̄g-tiâu kui-chek: i bē-sái tī góa thé-lāi oân-sêng, koh i bē-sái bong góa ê le̍k si-tòa. I kā pàng tī thô͘-kha, pat-pat-pat ná chhiūⁿ tú teh lo̍h-hō͘. Góa bong ka-tī, m̄-koh góa ê chéng-thâu-á kō thô͘, in-ūi tú-chiah áu tī góa ê sin-khu ē. Góa kā lāi-khò͘ kap khò͘-boe̍h-á khiú khí-lâi. I chhut chi̍t-ê siaⁿ koh kí, góa tì-kak tio̍h, tī nailón ē-bīn, góa ê kha-thâu-u mā ū thô͘. Góa kā thǹg lo̍h, póe-póe leh, koh kā chhēng khí-lâi. Góa kā kûn khioh chéng-chê, thâu-mo͘ koh gia̍p hō͘ hó. I āu-náu khiû-khiû ê kim-ku̍t thâu-chang, ū chi̍t sió-chhok lak khui, góa kā póe hām kî-thaⁿ ê chò-hóe. Goán kiâⁿ kàu sió hô, góa tī chúi tiong kā chhiú sé chheng-khì.
Goán sàn-pō͘ tńg chhù, chhiú-kut kau chhiú-kut. Chhù nih, goán Abú í-keng phàu hó kapi, goán lóng chē sio óa, goán Apa mn̄g i ê sū-gia̍p.
(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, piáu-hiān chheng-chhèng ê siaⁿ siōng hó ê hong-hoat sī, chhim-chhim suh-khùi kā kìm kú-kú. Jiân-āu, chò chi̍t-ē kā khùi pàng chhut-lâi, hō͘ lí ê heng-khàm ná chhiūⁿ kok chhâ-kak-á poa̍h lo̍h-tē. Án-ne liân-sòa chò, chiām-chiām sok-té kìm-khùi kàu pàng khùi ê sî-kan.)
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Góa chū-lâi tō sī kóng-kó͘ ê kha-siàu. Góa iáu sī sè-hàn chă gín-á ê sî, goán Abú ùi cha̍p-hòe tiàm kā góa kháiⁿ chhut-lâi, in-ūi góa tī chhài-so͘ hāng-lō͘ tōa-siaⁿ hoah ‘chi̍h! chi̍h!’ (舌! 舌!). Koan-sim ê chă lâng oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ góa ná that khong-khì ná tûi Abú he sán-sán ê kha-chiah-phiaⁿ.
-- "Han-chî" (番薯)! Tńg kàu chhù ê sî, yi án-ne kă kiù-chèng. M̄-sī "chi̍h" (舌).
Yi kiò góa chē tī ka-tī ê í-á -- chi̍t-tè te̍k-pia̍t ūi góa chò ê gín-á í-á -- chē kàu goán Apa tńg lâi. M̄-koh, m̄-sī án-ne. Góa chèng-keng ū khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍h, pe̍h chhi-chhi, lâu-hoeh lâu-tih, chi̍t-tè chi̍t-tè, chhap tī hiah-ê thô͘-sek han-chî tiong-kan. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê, its góa kō͘ kí-cháiⁿ kā thok hit-ê, léng kah ná peng, tī góa thok ê sî koh ná phòng-phā án-ne liap lo̍h. Góa it-chài kā che sè-chiat kóng hō͘ Abú thiaⁿ ê sî, yi ba̍k-chiu nih ê e̍k-thé ná chhiūⁿ heh-kiaⁿ tio̍h ê niau-á teh tńg-se̍h.
-- Lí koai-koai chē tī hia, yi kóng.
Boeh-àm, goán Apa hā-pan tńg-lâi, thiaⁿ góa ê kò͘-sū, thiaⁿ ta̍k-ê sè-chiat.
-- Lí kìⁿ kòe Barns Ss lah hoⁿh? i mn̄g góa, sī teh kóng keng-êng chit-keng tiàm hit-ê lāu lâng.
Góa bat kìⁿ i chi̍t-kái, góa án-ne kóng. I ê thâu-mo͘ pe̍h kah ná boeh lo̍h-seh ê thiⁿ, in bó͘ ē-hiáu ōe tiàm-thang ê hái-pò.
-- Sī án-nóa Barns Ss boeh bē chi̍h? goán Apa mn̄g. I ùi tó-ūi tit-tio̍h he?
In-ūi iáu sè-hàn, tùi bōng-á-po͘ a̍h sí-lâng-keng bô liáu-kái, góa ìn bē chhut-lâi.
-- Tō-kóng i ùi tó-ūi tit-tio̍h, goán Apa kè-sio̍k kóng, i kā khǹg tī han-chî tiong-kan bē, án-ne i iū tit-tio̍h siáⁿ?
In ū tī hia. Góa ū chhin-ba̍k khòaⁿ tio̍h. M̄-koh chiò tī goán Apa ê lí-lō͘ ē-bīn, góa kám-kak góa ê gî-būn khai-sí tháu-khui.
-- Siōng iàu-kín ê sī, goán Apa ta̍t-kàu i chòe-āu sèng-lī ê chèng-kì, kóng, sī án-nóa tî-liáu lí, pa̍t-lâng bô khòaⁿ tio̍h?
Chò chi̍t-ê tōa-lâng cha-bó͘, taⁿ góa ē kā goán Apa kóng, ū chē-chē chin-si̍t ê tāi-chì, kan-ta ko͘ chi̍t-tùi ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ ē chhut. Iáu sī gín-á ê hit-sî, góa tông-ì i tùi góa ê kò͘-sū ê kóng-hoat, tī i ùi í-á kā góa phō khí-lâi, chim góa, koh kā góa pàng lo̍h ê sî, góa chhiò hi-hi.
[** Tī chit sió-chat e̍k-chiá kā potato ~ toe ê pō͘-hūn kái siá chò han-chî ~ chi̍h.]
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Iû cha-bó͘ kà cha-po͘ tio̍h án-nóa chò, án-ne bô chèng-siông, m̄-koh góa kan-ta kā i kóng góa kah-ì ê sī siáⁿ, tī góa khùn khì ê sî ba̍k-chiu phôe ē-bīn ián-chhut ê sī siáⁿ-mi̍h. I chai-iáⁿ góa siam-sih ê piáu-chêng piáu-sī góa kui-sin ê io̍k-bōng, góa tùi i choân bô pó-liû. I kā góa kóng, i boeh ài góa ê chhùi, ài góa ê nâ-âu, góa kà ka-tī mài kéⁿ tio̍h, hō͘ i kui-ê long ji̍p-khì, kâm he kiâm-bī, chhut haiⁿ siaⁿ. I mn̄g góa siōng bái ê pì-bi̍t ê sî, góa kā kóng, lāu-su kā góa koaiⁿ tī tû-á lāi, it-ti̍t kàu ta̍k-lâng lóng lī-khui, jiân-āu kiò góa tī hia kā i tēⁿ, jiân-āu tńg chhù góa kō͘ kǹg-si lù-á lù chhiú, it-ti̍t kàu chhiú lâu hoeh, sīm-chì tī góa kóng hō͘ pa̍t-lâng chai liáu-āu, góa koh chò chi̍t kò goe̍h ê ok-bāng. I hiòng góa kiû-hun ê sî, tī góa 18 hòe seⁿ-ji̍t chêng kúi-kang, góa kóng, hó, hó, góa goān-ì, choăn tī kong-hn̂g ê hit-tè tn̂g-í téng, góa chē tī i ê tōa-thúi, kō͘ kûn khàm tio̍h, kòe-lō͘ ê lâng tō m̄-chai ē-bīn teh pìⁿ siáⁿ báng.
-- Góa kám-kak góa í-keng chai-iáⁿ lí ê chin chē pō͘-hūn, i ná chi̍t-bīn chhoán ná kā góa kóng,. Iá taⁿ, góa tit-boeh chai-iáⁿ choân-pō͘ ah.
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2. 阮 Abú 邀請伊來食飯
阮爸母真佮意伊. In 講, 伊是一个好囡仔. 伊會是一个好查埔人. In 問伊 ê 職業, 伊 ê 興趣, kap 伊 ê 家庭. 每禮拜伊來兩擺, 有時來三擺. 阮 Abú 邀請伊來食飯, 阮 teh 食飯 ê 時, 我 kō͘ 指甲 tàng 伊 ê 跤腿. Ais-krim 貯好 tī 碗 ê 時, 我 kā 爸母講, 我欲 kap 伊去小巷散步. 天暗 ê 時, 阮出發, 甜甜蜜蜜手牽手, 一直到看袂著厝. 我搝伊行過樹林, 來到一塊空地, 我 hiù 掉褲襪仔, 跤手落地, 獻身予伊.
我聽過所有有關像我這款 chă 囡仔 ê 故事, 我 mā 毋驚製造 koh 較濟 ê 故事. 我有兩條規則: 伊袂使 tī 我體內完成, koh 伊袂使摸我 ê 綠絲帶. 伊 kā 放 tī 塗跤, pat-pat-pat ná 像拄 teh 落雨. 我摸 ka-tī, m̄-koh 我 ê 指頭仔 kō 塗, 因為拄才拗 tī 我 ê 身軀下. 我 kā 內褲 kap 褲襪仔搝起來. 伊出一个聲 koh kí, 我致覺著, tī nailón 下面, 我 ê 跤頭趺 mā 有塗. 我 kā 褪落, póe-póe leh, koh kā 穿起來. 我 kā 裙抾整齊, 頭毛 koh 挾予好. 伊後腦虯虯 ê 金滑頭鬃, 有一小撮 lak 開, 我 kā póe 和其他 ê 做伙. 阮行到小河, 我 tī 水中 kā 手洗清氣.
阮散步轉厝, 手骨勾手骨. 厝 nih, 阮 Abú 已經泡好 kapi, 阮 lóng 坐相倚, 阮 Apa 問伊 ê 事業.
(你若大聲讀這个故事, 表現清空銃 ê 聲上好 ê 方法是, 深深欶氣 kā 禁久久. 然後, 做一下 kā 氣放出來, 予你 ê 胸坎 ná 像 kok 柴角仔跋落地. Án-ne 連紲做, 漸漸縮短禁氣到放氣 ê 時間.)
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我自來 tō 是講古 ê 跤數. 我猶是細漢 chă 囡仔 ê 時, 阮 Abú ùi 雜貨店 kā 我 kháiⁿ 出來, 因為我 tī 菜蔬巷路大聲喝 ‘chi̍h! chi̍h!’ (舌! 舌!). 關心 ê chă 人越頭看我 ná 踢空氣 ná 捶 Abú 彼瘦瘦 ê 尻脊骿.
-- "Han-chî" (番薯)! 轉到厝 ê 時, 她 án-ne kă 糾正. 毋是 "chi̍h" (舌).
她叫我坐 tī ka-tī ê 椅仔 -- 一塊特別為我做 ê 囡仔椅仔 -- 坐到阮 Apa 轉來. M̄-koh, 毋是 án-ne. 我正經有看著舌, 白 chhi-chhi, 流血流滴, 一塊一塊, chhap tī hiah-ê 塗色番薯中間. 其中一个, its 我 kō͘ kí-cháiⁿ kā 托彼个, 冷 kah ná 冰, tī 我托 ê 時 koh ná 膨疱 án-ne liap 落. 我一再 kā 這細節講予 Abú 聽 ê 時, 她目睭 nih ê 液體 ná 像嚇驚著 ê 貓仔 teh 轉踅.
-- 你乖乖坐 tī hia, 她講.
欲暗, 阮 Apa 下班轉來, 聽我 ê 故事, 聽逐个細節.
-- 你見過 Barns Ss lah hoⁿh? 伊問我, 是 teh 講經營這間店彼个老人.
我 bat 見伊一改, 我 án-ne 講. 伊 ê 頭毛白 kah ná 欲落雪 ê 天, in 某會曉畫店窗 ê 海報.
-- 是 án-nóa Barns Ss 欲賣舌? 阮 Apa 問. 伊 ùi 佗位得著彼?
因為猶細漢, 對墓仔埔 a̍h 死人間無了解, 我應袂出來.
-- Tō 講伊 ùi 佗位得著, 阮 Apa 繼續講, 伊 kā 囥 tī 番薯中間賣, án-ne 伊又得著啥?
In 有 tī hia. 我有親目看著. M̄-koh 照 tī 阮 Apa ê 理路下面, 我感覺我 ê 疑問開始敨開.
-- 上要緊 ê 是, 阮 Apa 達到伊最後勝利 ê 證據, 講, 是 án-nóa 除了你, 別人無看著?
做一个大人查某, 今我會 kā 阮 Apa 講, 有濟濟真實 ê 代誌, 干焦孤一對目睭看會出. 猶是囡仔 ê 彼時, 我同意伊對我 ê 故事 ê 講法, tī 伊 ùi 椅仔 kā 我抱起來, 唚我, koh kā 我放落 ê 時, 我笑 hi-hi.
[** Tī 這小節譯者 kā potato ~ toe ê 部份改寫做 han-chî ~ chi̍h.]
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由查某教查埔著 án-nóa 做, án-ne 無正常, m̄-koh 我干焦 kā 伊講我佮意 ê 是啥, tī 我睏去 ê 時目睭皮下面演出 ê 是啥物. 伊知影我閃爍 ê 表情表示我規身 ê 慾望, 我對伊全無保留. 伊 kā 我講, 伊欲愛我 ê 喙, 愛我 ê 嚨喉, 我教 ka-tī 莫哽著, 予伊規个 long 入去, 含 he 鹹味, 出 haiⁿ 聲. 伊問我上䆀 ê 祕密 ê 時, 我 kā 講, 老師 kā 我關 tī 櫥仔內, 一直到逐人 lóng 離開, 然後叫我 tī hia kā 伊捏, 然後轉厝我 kō͘ 鋼絲 lù-á lù 手, 一直到手流血, 甚至 tī 我講予別人知了後, 我 koh 做一個月 ê 惡夢. 伊向我求婚 ê 時, tī 我 18 歲生日前幾工, 我講, 好, 好, 我願意, choăn tī 公園 ê 彼塊長椅頂, 我坐 tī 伊 ê 大腿, kō͘ 裙崁著, 過路 ê 人 tō 毋知下面 teh pìⁿ 啥 báng.
-- 我感覺我已經知影你 ê 真濟部份, 伊 ná 一面喘 ná kā 我講. Iá 今, 我得欲知影全部 ah.
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2.
My parents are very fond of him. He is a nice boy, they say. He will be a good man. They ask him about his occupation, his hobbies, his family. He comes around twice a week, sometimes thrice. My mother invites him in for supper, and while we eat I dig my nails into the meat of his leg. After the ice cream puddles in the bowl, I tell my parents that I am going to walk with him down the lane. We strike off through the night, holding hands sweetly until we are out of sight of the house. I pull him through the trees, and when we find a patch of clear ground I shimmy off my pantyhose, and on my hands and knees offer myself up to him.
I have heard all of the stories about girls like me, and I am unafraid to make more of them. There are two rules: he cannot finish inside of me, and he cannot touch my green ribbon. He spends into the dirt, pat-pat-patting like the beginning of rain. I go to touch myself, but my fingers, which had been curling in the dirt beneath me, are filthy. I pull up my underwear and stockings. He makes a sound and points, and I realize that beneath the nylon, my knees are also caked in dirt. I pull them down and brush, and then up again. I smooth my skirt and repin my hair. A single lock has escaped his slicked-back curls, and I tuck it up with the others. We walk down to the stream and I run my hands in the current until they are clean again.
We stroll back to the house, arms linked chastely. Inside, my mother has made coffee, and we all sit around while my father asks him about business.
(If you read this story out loud, the sounds of the clearing can be best reproduced by taking a deep breath and holding it for a long moment. Then release the air all at once, permitting your chest to collapse like a block tower knocked to the ground. Do this again, and again, shortening the time between the held breath and the release.)
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I have always been a teller of stories. When I was a young girl, my mother carried me out of a grocery store as I screamed about toes in the produce aisle. Concerned women turned and watched as I kicked the air and pounded my mother’s slender back.
– Potatoes! she corrected when we got back to the house. Not toes!
She told me to sit in my chair – a child-sized thing, only built for me – until my father returned. But no, I had seen the toes, pale and bloody stumps, mixed in among those russet tubers. One of them, the one that I had poked with the tip of my index finger, was cold as ice, and yielded beneath my touch the way a blister did. When I repeated this detail to my mother, the liquid of her eyes shifted quick as a startled cat.
– You stay right there, she said.
My father returned from work that evening and listened to my story, each detail.
– You’ve met Mr Barns, have you not? he asked me, referring to the elderly man who ran this particular market.
I had met him once, and I said so. He had hair white as a sky before snow, and a wife who drew the signs for the store windows.
– Why would Mr Barns sell toes? my father asked. Where would he get them?
Being young, and having no understanding of graveyards or mortuaries, I could not answer.
– And even if he got them somewhere, my father continued, what would he have to gain by selling them among the potatoes?
They had been there. I had seen them with my own eyes. But beneath the sunbeams of my father’s logic, I felt my doubt unfurling.
– Most importantly, my father said, arriving triumphantly at his final piece of evidence, why did no one notice the toes except for you?
As a grown woman, I would have said to my father that there are true things in this world only observed by a single set of eyes. As a girl, I consented to his account of the story, and laughed when he scooped me from the chair to kiss me and send me on my way.
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It is not normal that a girl teaches her boy, but I am only showing him what I want, what plays on the insides of my eyelids as I fall asleep. He comes to know the flicker of my expression as a desire passes through me, and I hold nothing back from him. When he tells me that he wants my mouth, the length of my throat, I teach myself not to gag and take all of him into me, moaning around the saltiness. When he asks me my worst secret, I tell him about the teacher who hid me in the closet until the others were gone and made me hold him there, and how afterwards I went home and scrubbed my hands with a steel wool pad until they bled, even though after I share this I have nightmares for a month. And when he asks me to marry him, days shy of my eighteenth birthday, I say yes, yes, please, and then on that park bench I sit on his lap and fan my skirt around us so that a passerby would not realize what was happening beneath it.
– I feel like I know so many parts of you, he says to me, trying not to pant. And now, I will know all of them.
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