2. 無真正佮意好額人

2. Bô chin-chiàⁿ kah-ì hó-gia̍h lâng,

Leslie ê lāu-bú, chhēng Indonesia sarong: Goán bē, in-ūi goán í-keng chò kòe chē-chē kái ah, chhin-ài-ê, m̄-koh hoān-sè lí siūⁿ boeh khì hoⁿh? Hoān-sè che tùi lí chin sin-kî, chin chhì-kek hoⁿh?

Lilly, pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè: Sī ah, bô m̄-tio̍h.

Leslie ê mama: Án-ne lí tō khì, hó-hó hiáng-siū.

Lilly cháu kòe khì.

Leslie ê mama, tùi Eva: Lí neh, chhin-ài-ê?

Eva kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ khò góa ê kha, iô-thâu kóng boaih.

Chit-sî, siū-chheⁿ ê lāu-pē (Emmett) chhut-hiān, kóng chia̍h-àm sî-kan kàu ah, hi-bāng góa ē kah-ì ùi Guatemala khong-ūn lâi ê sin-sian kî-hî, sī kō͘ chi̍t-chióng hiang-liāu liāu-lí ê, he kan-ta tī Burma chi̍t-ê sió tē-khu chiah ū, tio̍h o͘-se chiah bé ē-tio̍h.

Leslie ê mama kóng, gín-á ē-sái khah thêng-á chiah tī chhiū-á chhù nih chia̍h.

Yi kí chhiū-á chhù, he chhat chò Victoria hong-keh, ū siâ chhù-téng, chhun-chhut chi̍t-ki tiàu-kiàⁿ, kap chi̍t-tè ná-chhiūⁿ sī sió-hêng ê ji̍t-kng tiān-tî pang.

Thomas: Óa, hit-ê chhiū-á chhù ná chhiūⁿ ū lán si̍t-chè ê chhù nn̄g-pōe tōa.

(Thomas, kap pêng-sî kāng-khoán, ài phòng-hong: chhiū-á chhù ê tōa-sè khah sêng sī goán chhù ê saⁿ-hun-chi̍t. M̄-koh, khak-si̍t: sī chi̍t-keng tōa chhiū-á chhù.)

Goán ê lé-mi̍h m̄-sī siōng chha ê. Sui-bóng khó-lêng sī kè-siàu siōng kē ê -- ū-lâng sàng mini DVD im-ga̍k-ki; ū-lâng chah chi̍t-chhok chin-chiàⁿ ê bo̍k-nái-i (mummy) thâu-chang (!) -- chāi góa khòaⁿ, goán ê sī siōng tah-sim. In-ūi Leslie tùi hit-chhok bo̍k-nái-i thâu-chang kám-kak sit-bōng, kóng yi í-keng ū chi̍t-ê ah (!), chāi góa khòaⁿ,  Leslie ká-ná chin hō͘ goán hit-cho͘ chóa-ang-á ê kán-tan-sèng kám-tōng tio̍h. Sui-bóng bé ê sî, goán bô khòaⁿ i chho͘-sio̍k, m̄-koh, thiaⁿ tio̍h Leslie ê mama kóng, Les, m̄-koán sī-m̄-sī chho͘-sio̍k, kā khòaⁿ-māi, lí kám bô kah-ì?, góa siūⁿ, Sī lah, sui-bóng chho͘-sio̍k, hoān-sè mā sī goán thiâu-kang ê. M̄-koán án-nóa, án-ne kiám-khin goán ê táⁿ-kek, koh lâi hit-ê lé-mi̍h sī chi̍t-tiuⁿ khì Preakness Sài-bé ê mn̂g-phiò (!), in-ūi kīn-lâi Leslie tùi bé-á ū hèng-chhù, mā khai-sí chá-chá khí-chhn̂g khì chhī in ê 9-chiah bé-á, iá kòe-khì yi to̍k-to̍k kī-choa̍t khì chhī in ê 6-chiah lama.

Lèsli ê mama: Lí ioh, lo̍h-bóe sī siáng khì chhī lama?

Leslie, tōa-siaⁿ: Mama, lí kám bē-kì-tit hit-sî góa lóng teh chò yoga?

Leslie ê mama: Án-ne bô m̄-tio̍h, kám sī láu-si̍t ōe? He mā sī hó-ūn, hō͘ góa ū ki-hōe koh hoat-hiān in sī chiâⁿ chán ê tōng-bu̍t, tī pàng-o̍h liáu, tī Les tio̍h chò yoga ê ji̍t-chí nih.

Leslie: Ná chhiūⁿ ta̍k-kang, yoga?

Leslie ê mama: Góa siūⁿ lí tio̍h sìn-jīm lí ê gín-á, siong-sìn in tùi sèⁿ-miā tiong ê thian-seng hèng-chhù chóng-sī ē chhut-hiān, lí tông-ì bô? He taⁿ tō teh hoat-seng, Les hām bé. Thiⁿ ah, yi kah-ì bé.

Pam: Goán ê gín-á, liân kiò in khioh Ferber pàng tī chhù-tiâⁿ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ mā chò bē-kàu. 

Leslie ê mama: Ferber sī...?

Góa: Káu.

Leslie ê mama: Ha-ha, sī ah, ta̍k-hāng lóng mā ē pàng, kám m̄-sī?

Chia̍h-àm liáu, hām Emmett tī chhù-tiâⁿ sàn-pō͘; i sī gōa-kho i-seng, múi lé-pài tio̍h chò nn̄g-pái náu chhiú-su̍t, chng sè-sè ê tiān-chú khì? A̍h khó-lêng sī seng-bu̍t tiān-chú? He lóng chin sè. Chi̍t-ê chiam-thâu ē-tàng ji̍p kúi-ā pah ê? A̍h 10-sén? Góa bô thiaⁿ chin ū. I mn̄g góa ê khang-khòe, góa kā kóng. I kóng, Hmh, hah, chiâⁿ hó-sńg, lán ê bûn-hòa iau-kiû lán kî-tiong ū kóa lâng khì chò khut-jio̍k ê tāi-chì, tùi jīm-hô lâng lóng bô lī-ek ê tāi-chì, án-ne boeh án-nóa kî-thāi lâng ē-tàng kè-sio̍k taⁿ-thâu?

M̄-chai án-nóa ìn hó. Kì hō͘ ka-tī: Siūⁿ hó hôe-tap, kō͘ khah-phìⁿ kià, án-ne lâi kap Emmett kiàn-li̍p iú-gî?

Tńg kàu Torrini ê chhù, chē tī te̍k-pia̍t ê khòaⁿ chheⁿ pêⁿ-tâi, thiⁿ-chheⁿ bān-bān chhut-hiān. Goán ê gín-á lóng chē leh khòaⁿ chheⁿ, khòaⁿ kah tio̍h-bê. Án-ná, góa kóng, lán tòa ê hū-kīn kám bô chheⁿ? Bô ìn. Bô jīm-hô lâng. Sū-si̍t-siōng, hia ê chheⁿ khak-si̍t khah bêng. Tī khòaⁿ-chheⁿ-tâi, ū siuⁿ chē thang lim, hut-jiân-kan, góa siūⁿ tio̍h ê lóng ká-ná chin gōng. Choăn góa tiām-tiām, ná-chhiūⁿ hūn khì.

Tńg chhù ê sî, Pam sái chhia. Góa būn koh chùi, chē tī Park Avenue [chhia-miâ] ê hù kà-sú-chō. Gín-á chhi-chhi chhā-chhā kóng che sī chiâⁿ chán ê party, iû-kî sī Lilly. Thomas kóng só͘-ū hiah-ê bô-liâu lama ê tāi-chì, chiàu Emmett ê kóng-hoat.

Lilly: Góa tán bē-hù góa ê party. Koh nn̄g lé-pài tō sī góa ê party, tio̍h bô?

Pam: Lí ê party lí boeh án-nóa chò, chhin-ài-ê?

Chhia-lāi kú-kú tiām-chēng.

Lilly, chòe-āu pi-ai kóng: Oh, Góa m̄-chai. Bô siáⁿ thang chò, góa siūⁿ.

Chhia kàu chhù chêng. Khòaⁿ tio̍h he khang-khang ê chhù-tiâⁿ, iū sī chi̍t-chūn tiām-chēng. Iā tō sī, tōa pō͘-hūn sī mô͘-hē-chháu (crabgrass), bô tòa kó͘-chá bé-tê ìn ê âng-sek Tang-hong kiô, bô gōa chhù-á, chi̍t-ê SK to bô, kan-ta ū Ferber, goán ká-ná bē-kì-tit i ah, i kap kòe-khì kāng-khoán, tī chhiū-á se̍h koh se̍h, it-ti̍t kàu kiông boeh hō͘ lú lâi lú té ê soh-á pa̍k-sí, kō͘ kî-kiû ê ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ goán, choa̍t-bōng tiong-kan mā ū oàn-hūn.

Kā i pàng khui soh-á, i chheh-chheh lia̍h góa gîn chi̍t-ē, tī óa mn̂g hia pàng chi̍t-pû sái

Tán khòaⁿ gín-á ē chū-tōng khì khioh bô. M̄-koh, bô. Gín-á kan-ta thâu lê-lê kiâⁿ kòe, lán-lán khiā tī mn̂g chêng. Chai góa tio̍h ka-tī khì khioh. M̄-koh ū-kàu thiám, koh tio̍h ji̍p-lâi siá chit-pún gōng chheh.

Bô chin-chiàⁿ kah-ì hó-gia̍h lâng, in-ūi in hō͘ goán sàn-chhiah-lâng kám-kak gōng koh bô-lō͘-iōng. M̄-sī in-ūi goán sàn. Góa ē kóng, goán sī tiong-téng ê lâng. Goán chin-chiàⁿ chin, chin hó-ūn. Góa chai-iáⁿ. M̄-koh, hó-gia̍h-lâng iáu-sī bô eng-kai hō͘ goán tiong-sán kai-kip kám-kak gōng koh bô-lō͘-iōng.

Siá che ê sî góa iáu teh chùi, í-keng chin òaⁿ ah, bîn-á-chài sī pài-it, tio̍h kang-chok.

Kang-chok, kang-chok, kang-chok. Sam-pat kang-chok. Góa ū-kàu ià-siān kang-chok.

Àm-an.

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2. 無真正佮意好額人

Leslie ê 老母, 穿 Indonesia sarong: 阮袂, 因為阮已經做過濟濟改 ah, 親愛 ê, m̄-koh 凡勢你想欲去 hoⁿh? 凡勢這對你真新奇, 真刺激 hoⁿh?

Lilly, 歹勢歹勢: 是 ah, 無毋著.

Leslie ê mama: Án-ne 你 tō 去, 好好享受.

Lilly 走過去.

Leslie ê mama, 對 Eva: 你 neh, 親愛 ê?

Eva 驚驚靠我 ê 跤, 搖頭講 boaih.

這時, 壽星 ê 老爸 (Emmett) 出現, 講食暗時間到 ah, 希望我會佮意 ùi Guatemala 空運來 ê 新鮮旗魚, 是 kō͘ 一種香料料理 ê, 彼干焦 tī Burma 一个小地區才有, 著烏西才買會著.

Leslie ê mama 講, 囡仔會使較停仔才 tī 樹仔厝 nih 食.

她 kí 樹仔厝, 彼漆做 Victoria 風格, 有斜厝頂, 伸出一支召鏡, kap 一塊 ná 像是小型 ê 日光電池枋.

Thomas: Óa, 彼个樹仔厝 ná 像有咱實際 ê 厝兩倍大.

(Thomas, kap 平時仝款, 愛膨風: 樹仔厝 ê 大細較成是阮厝 ê 三分一. M̄-koh, 確實: 是一間大樹仔厝.)

阮 ê 禮物毋是上差 ê. 雖罔可能是價數上低 ê -- 有人送 mini DVD 音樂機; 有人扎一撮真正 ê 木乃伊 (mummy) 頭鬃 (!) -- 在我看, 阮 ê 是上貼心. 因為 Leslie 對彼撮木乃伊頭鬃感覺失望, 講她已經有一个 ah (!), 在我看,  Leslie ká-ná 真予阮彼組紙尪仔 ê 簡單性感動著. 雖罔買 ê 時, 阮無看伊粗俗, m̄-koh, 聽著 Leslie ê mama 講, Les, 毋管是毋是粗俗, kā 看覓, 你敢無佮意?, 我想, 是 lah, 雖罔粗俗, 凡勢 mā 是阮 thiâu 工 ê. 毋管按怎, án-ne 減輕阮 ê 打擊, koh 來彼个禮物是一張去 Preakness 賽馬 ê 門票 (!), 因為近來 Leslie 對馬仔有興趣, mā 開始早早起床去飼 in ê 9 隻馬仔, iá 過去她獨獨拒絕去飼 in ê 6 隻 lama.

Lesli ê mama: 你臆, 落尾是 siáng 去飼 lama?

Leslie, 大聲: Mama, 你敢袂記得彼時我攏 teh 做 yoga?

Leslie ê mama: Án-ne 無毋著, 敢是老實話? 彼 mā 是好運, 予我有機會 koh 發現 in 是誠讚 ê 動物, tī 放學了, tī Les 著做 yoga ê 日子 nih.

Leslie: Ná 像逐工, yoga?

Leslie ê mama: 我想你著信任你 ê 囡仔, 相信 in 對性命中 ê 天生興趣總是會出現, 你同意無? 彼今 tō teh 發生, Les 和馬. 天 ah, 她佮意馬.

Pam: 阮 ê 囡仔, 連叫 in 抾 Ferber 放 tī 厝埕 ê 物件 mā 做袂到. 

Leslie ê mama: Ferber 是...?

我: 狗.

Leslie ê mama: Ha-ha, 是 ah, 逐項攏 mā 會放, 敢毋是?

食暗了, 和 Emmett tī 厝埕散步; 伊是外科醫生, 每禮拜著做兩擺腦手術, 裝細細 ê 電子器? A̍h 可能是生物電子? 彼攏真細. 一个針頭會當入幾若百个? A̍h 10 sén? 我無聽真有. 伊問我 ê 工課, 我 kā 講. 伊講, Hmh, hah, 誠好耍, 咱 ê 文化要求咱其中有寡人去做屈辱 ê 代誌, 對任何人攏無利益 ê 代誌, án-ne 欲按怎期待人會當繼續 taⁿ 頭?

毋知按怎應好. 記予 ka-tī: 想好回答, kō͘ 卡片寄, án-ne 來 kap Emmett 建立友誼?

轉到 Torrini ê 厝, 坐 tī 特別 ê 看星平台, 天星慢慢出現. 阮 ê 囡仔攏坐 leh 看星, 看 kah 著迷. Án-ná, 我講, 咱蹛 ê 附近敢無星? 無應. 無任何人. 事實上, hia ê 星確實較明. Tī 看星台, 有 siuⁿ 濟通啉, 忽然間, 我想著 ê 攏 ká-ná 真戇. Choăn 我恬恬, ná 像昏去.

轉厝 ê 時, Pam 駛車. 我悶 koh 醉, 坐 tī Park Avenue [車名] ê 副駕駛座. 囡仔 chhi-chhi chhā-chhā 講這是誠讚 ê party, 尤其是 Lilly. Thomas 講所有 hiah-ê 無聊 lama ê 代誌, 照 Emmett ê 講法.

Lilly: 我等袂赴我 ê party. Koh 兩禮拜 tō 是我 ê party, 著無?

Pam: 你 ê party 你欲按怎做, 親愛 ê?

車內久久恬靜.

Lilly, 最後悲哀講: Oh, 我毋知. 無啥通做, 我想.

車到厝前. 看著彼空空 ê 厝埕, 又是一陣恬靜. 也 tō 是, 大部份是毛蟹草 (crabgrass), 無帶古早馬蹄印 ê 紅色東方橋, 無外厝仔, 一个 SK to 無, 干焦有 Ferber, 阮 ká-ná 袂記得伊 ah, 伊 kap 過去仝款, tī 樹仔踅 koh 踅, 一直到強欲予 lú 來 lú 短 ê 索仔縛死, kō͘ 祈求 ê 目睭看阮, 絕望中間 mā 有怨恨.

Kā 伊放開索仔, 伊慼慼掠我睨一下, tī 倚門 hia 放一垺屎.

等看囡仔會自動去抾無. M̄-koh, 無. 囡仔干焦頭 lê-lê 行過, 懶懶徛 tī 門前. 知我著 ka-tī 去抾. M̄-koh 有夠忝, koh 著入來寫這本戇冊.

無真正佮意好額人, 因為 in 予阮散赤人感覺戇 koh 無路用. 毋是因為阮 sàn. 我會講, 阮是中等 ê 人. 阮真正真, 真好運. 我知影. M̄-koh, 好額人猶是無應該予阮中產階級感覺戇 koh 無路用.

寫這 ê 時我猶 teh 醉, 已經真晏 ah, 明仔載是拜一, 著工作.

工作, 工作, 工作. 三八工作. 我有夠厭僐工作.

暗安.

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2.

Leslie’s mother, dressed in Indonesian sarong: We don’t, as we already have, many times, dear, but you perhaps would like to? Perhaps this is all very new and exciting to you?

Lilly, shyly: It is, yes.

Leslie’s mom: Please, go, enjoy.

Lilly races away.

Leslie’s mom, to Eva: And you, dear?

Eva stands timidly against my leg, shakes head no.

Just then father (Emmett) appears, says time for dinner, hopes we like sailfish flown in fresh from Guatemala, prepared with a rare spice found only in one tiny region of Burma, which had to be bribed out.

The kids can eat later, in the tree house, Leslie’s mom says.

She indicates the tree house, which is painted Victorian and has a gabled roof and a telescope sticking out and what looks like a small solar panel.

Thomas: Wow, that tree house is like twice the size of our actual house.

(Thomas, as usual, exaggerating: tree house is more like one-third size of our house. Still, yes: big tree house.)

Our gift not the very worst. Although possibly the least expensive—someone brought a mini DVD-player; someone brought a lock of hair from an actual mummy (!)—it was, in my opinion, the most heartfelt. Because Leslie (who appeared disappointed by the lock of mummy hair, and said so, because she already had one (!)) was, it seemed to me, touched by the simplicity of our paper-doll set. And although we did not view it as kitsch at the time we bought it, when Leslie’s mom said, Les, check it out, kitsch or what, don’t you love it?, I thought, Yes, well, maybe it is kitsch, maybe we did intend. In any event, this eased the blow when the next gift was a ticket to the Preakness (!), as Leslie has recently become interested in horses, and has begun getting up early to feed their nine horses, whereas previously she had categorically refused to feed the six llamas.

Leslie’s mom: So guess who ended up feeding the llamas?

Leslie, sharply: Mom, don’t you remember back then I always had yoga?

Leslie’s mom: Although actually, honestly? It was a blessing, a chance for me to rediscover what terrific animals they are, after school, on days on which Les had yoga.

Leslie: Like every day, yoga?

Leslie’s mom: I guess you just have to trust your kids, trust that their innate interest in life will win out in the end, don’t you think? Which is what is happening now, with Les and horses. God, she loves them.

Pam: Our kids, we can’t even get them to pick up what Ferber does in the front yard.

Leslie’s mom: And Ferber is?

Me: Dog.

Leslie’s mom: Ha-ha, yes, well, everything poops, isn’t that just it?

After dinner, strolled grounds with Emmett, who is surgeon, does something two days a week with brain inserts, small electronic devices? Or possibly biotronic? They are very small. Hundreds can fit on head of pin? Or dime? Did not totally follow. He asked about my work, I told. He said, Well, huh, amazing the strange, arcane things our culture requires some of us to do, degrading things, things that offer no tangible benefit to anyone, how do they expect people to continue to even hold their heads up?

Could not think of response. Note to self: Think of response, send on card, thus striking up friendship with Emmett?

Returned to Torrinis’ house, sat on special star-watching platform as stars came out. Our kids sat watching stars, fascinated. What, I said, no stars in our neighborhood? No response. From anyone. Actually, stars there did seem brighter. On star platform, had too much to drink, and suddenly everything I thought of seemed stupid. So just went quiet, like in stupor.

Pam drove home. I sat sullen and drunk in passenger seat of Park Avenue. Kids babbling about what a great party it was, Lilly especially. Thomas spouting all these boring llama facts, per Emmett.

Lilly: I can’t wait till my party. My party is in two weeks, right?

Pam: What do you want to do for your party, sweetie?

Long silence in car.

Lilly, finally, sadly: Oh, I don’t know. Nothing, I guess.

Pulled up to house. Another silence as we regarded blank, empty yard. That is, mostly crabgrass and no red Oriental bridge w/ ancient hoofprints and no outbuildings and not a single SG, but only Ferber, who we’d kind of forgotten about, and who, as usual, had circled round and round the tree until nearly strangling to death on his gradually shortening leash and was looking up at us with begging eyes in which desperation was combined with a sort of low-boiling anger.

Let him off leash, he shot me hostile look, took dump extremely close to porch.

Watched to see if kids would take initiative and pick up. But no. Kids only slumped past and stood exhausted by front door. Knew I should take initiative and pick up. But was tired and had to come in and write in this stupid book.

Do not really like rich people, as they make us poor people feel dopey and inadequate. Not that we are poor. I would say we are middle. We are very, very lucky. I know that. But still, it is not right that rich people make us middle people feel dopey and inadequate.

Am writing this still drunk and it is getting late and tomorrow is Monday, which means work.

Work, work, work. Stupid work. Am so tired of work.

Good night.

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