3. Lilly ê 可能 ê 禮物清單

3. Lilly ê khó-lêng lé-mi̍h chheng-toaⁿ

Káu-goe̍h chhe-7

Tú koh-tha̍k chòe-āu hit-tiám, tio̍h têng-chheng chi̍t-ē.

Góa pēng bô ià-siān kang-chok. Kang-chok sī chi̍t-chióng te̍k-khoân. Góa pēng bô hūn hó-gia̍h-lâng. Góa mā kî-bāng kā-tī ē hó-gia̍h. Tán goán lo̍h-bóe ū ka-tī ê kiô, chun-hî, chhiū-á chhù, SK, tt, siōng-bô chai-iáⁿ sī goán ka-tī si̍t-chāi thàn lâi ê, bô chhiūⁿ, kí-lē lâi kóng, Torrini án-ne, góa kám-kak in sī ùi chó͘-sán lâi ê.

Cha-àm party liáu-āu, hoat-hiān Eva tī yi ê pang-keng teh siong-sim. Mn̄g yi goân-in, yi kóng bô goân-in. M̄-koh tī ōe-tô͘-phō͘: khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ōe chi̍t-pâi siong-sim ê SK. Chai yin siong-sim, in-ūi ba̍k-bâi lóng chhiūⁿ Fu Manchu án-ne kiù-kiù, ba̍k-sái se̍h-oan lak lo̍h, ba̍k-sái lo̍h thô͘ ê ūi hoat hoe chhut-lâi. Kì hō͘ ka-tī: Kái-soeh hō͘ yi chai, bián kan-khó͘, yin pēng bē siong-sim, si̍t-chè sī hoaⁿ-hí, in-ūi yin chá-chêng ê tiâu-kiāⁿ sī: sī yin ê soán-te̍k, chin hoaⁿ-hí, tt.

NPR (National Public Radio, Choân-kok Kong-kiōng Kong-pò) iú-koan chi̍t-ê Bangla SK kià chîⁿ tńg chhù ê pò-tō chin kám-tōng: hō͘ pē-bú thang khí chi̍t-keng chháu-chhù. (Kì hō͘ ka-ti: Khì sòaⁿ-téng chhōe, hā-chài, pò-sàng hō͘ Eva thiaⁿ. Tio̍h seng siu-lí tiān-náu. Tiān-náu ū-kàu bān. Hoān-sè tio̍h thâi "CircusLoser"? In-ūi kì-tî siuⁿ kē, pá-hì lóng khê-khê, chhiūⁿ mā bē thiàu = bô hó-sńg.)

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Káu-goe̍h 12

Koh 9 kang Lilly seⁿ-ji̍t. Sió-khóa kiaⁿ che. Ap-le̍k chin tōa. Bô hi-bāng bái ê party.

Í-keng mn̄g Lilly siūⁿ boeh ài ê lé-mi̍h chheng-toaⁿ. Kin-á-ji̍t kàu chhù khòaⁿ tio̍h siá "khó-lêng ê lé-mi̍h chheng-toaⁿ" ê phe-lông. Lāi-bīn sī chi̍t-kóa bo̍k-lo̍k ê chián-phìⁿ: "Teh hioh-khùn ê hiong-béng." Chi̍t-tùi hûi-á ê iá-chhiū-nâ hiong-béng soaⁿ-niau í-keng sûn-ho̍k (siōng-bô taⁿ sī án-ne!) tī chong-sek iù-lō͘ ê chím-thâu téng, m̄-koh m̄-thang khòaⁿ kē in ê iá-sèng. Hiòng tò-pêng ê pà: $350. Hiòng chiàⁿ-pêng ê hó͘: $325. Koh tah chi̍t-tiuⁿ jī-tiâu: "Pa, soán tē-jī ê." "Ko͘-niû tha̍k kó͘ hō͘ sió-mōe thiaⁿ" tiau-siōng: Chit-ê iû Nevada gē-su̍t-ka Dani só͘ chò ê gín-á-sî gián-kiù kō͘ hûi-á lâi hôe-ek "kóng-kó͘ sî-kan" ê hoaⁿ-hí kap ta̍k-ê hun-hióng ê un-loán sî-khek. Ko͘-niû hām sió-mōe tī kim-ku̍t ê chio̍h-thâu téng tha̍k-chheh: $280.

Kám-kak chin sit-chì, in-ūi: 1) sī án-nóa 13 hòe ê ko͘-niû ài chit-chióng lāu cha-bó͘-khoán ê lé-mi̍h, 2) 13 hòe ko͘-niû ùi tó-ūi chai-iáⁿ $300 = sek-tòng ê seⁿ-ji̍t lé-mi̍h? Góa sè-hàn ê sî, sī chi̍t-niá siatchuh, góa bô ài ê siatchuh, thong-siông sī chhù nih chò ê.

M̄-koh, góa bô ài hō͘ Lilly siong-sim, mā bô ài thê-khí chhiú-thâu ân. Thiⁿ-kong chai-iáⁿ, góa í-keng kā yi thê-khí chē-chē piàn ah. Ūi ha̍k-hāu ê "Goán ê Chhù-tiâⁿ" chok-gia̍p,  Leslie Torrini chah Tang-hong kiô ê siòng-phìⁿ, koh ū iú-koan SK ê pōe-kéng chu-liāu ( nî-lêng, chhut-sin, tt), pan-siōng kî-thaⁿ ê gín-á mā chha-put-to, m̄-koh Lilly chah khì ê sī kū-nî siūⁿ boeh chèng chhài-hn̂g óe tio̍h ê 1940 nî-tāi ê  sakuh (condom) a̍p-á. Hoān-sè hō͘ yi chah sakuh a̍p-á khì sī chhò-gō͘ ê koat-tēng? Hit-sî góa siūⁿ, sī le̍k-sú-te̍k ê mi̍h, eng-kai sī bē-bái, hoān-sè gín-á bē chù-ì tio̍h he sī sakuh a̍p-á. M̄-koh lāu-su ū chù-ì tio̍h, kóng chhut-lâi, gín-á tōa chhiò, lāu-su lī-iōng ki-hōe thó-lūn an-choân ê seks, che tùi pan-kip hó, m̄-koh tùi Lilly bô hiah hó.  

Kóng tio̍h party, Lilly kóng yi kam-goān mài. Góa mn̄g, Sī án-nóa mài, chhin-ài-ê? Yi kóng, Oh, bô lí-iû. Góa kóng, Kám sī in-ūi lán ê chhù-tiâⁿ, lán ê chhù? Kám sī in-ūi lí khióng-kiaⁿ kō͘ lán ê sè-keng chhù kap khang-khang ê tiâⁿ, he party khó-lêng ē bô-liâu koh hiān-sì?

He hō͘ yi ba̍k-sái sì-lâm-sûi, koh kóng, Oh, Pă.

Sū-si̍t-siōng, chi̍t-ê sió tiau-siōng pēng bē kòe-hūn. A̍h sī kóng, hoān-sè ū ta̍t-tit sió kā sēng chi̍t-ē, in-ūi tī "Goán Chhù-tiâⁿ" hit-kang yi bīn iu-iu tńg-lâi, thò͘ tn̂g-khùi kā sakuh a̍p-á phiaⁿ tī toh-á téng. 

Hoān-sè bé "Ko͘-niû tha̍k kó͘ hō͘ sió-mōe thiaⁿ," in-ūi he siōng sio̍k? Sui-bóng bé siōng sio̍k ê mi̍h sī chi̍t-ê pháiⁿ ê sìn-hō? Tī siūⁿ boeh khóng-khài ê tang-tiong koh hoat-chhut khiû-khiām ê sìn-hō? Hoān-sè siōng-hó sī pìⁿ tōa ê? Kō͘ Visa [sìn-iōng khah] lâi bé hit-chiah pà, hi-bāng hō͘ yi chi̍t-ê tōa-tōa ê kiaⁿ-hí.

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Káu-goe̍h 14

Kin-á-ji̍t Koan-chhat Mel Redden kang-chok. I chò liáu bē-bái. Góa mā chò liáu bē-bái. I hoān kóa sió chhò-gō͘, góa lóng lia̍h tio̍h. I hoān chi̍t-ê Hôe-siu Chhò-gō͘: kā Tab koàn-á hiat khì m̄-tio̍h ê tháng-á. Teh hiat Tab koàn-á m̄-tio̍h tháng ê sî, hoān Jîn-thé Kang-ha̍k Chhò-gō͘, hn̄g-hn̄g hiat, hiat bē-chún, tio̍h khí-sin khì khioh koh têng hiat. Koh ū tē-jī ê Jîn-thé Kang-ha̍k Chhò-gō͘: khioh Tab koh hiat ê sî bô khû lo̍h, kan-ta oan-io, án-ne ē cheng-ka pōe thiàⁿ ê hong-hiám. Mel tī góa ê Koan-chhat Toaⁿ chhiam-miâ, jiân-āu iau-kiû góa têng Koan-chhat. Chin khiáu. Tī têng Koan-chhat tiong-kan, Mel bô hoān chhò-gō͘. Bô phiaⁿ koàn-á khì tháng-á, kan-ta chēng-chēng chē tī toh-á. Choăn ē-tàng ka-ji̍p i ê Kì-lo̍k. Pêng-iú hun-chhiú, tt, tt.

Koh chi̍t lé-pài tō sī L ê seⁿ-ji̍t.

Kì hō͘ ka-tī: Tèng hit-chiah pà.

M̄-koh, bô hiah kán-tan. Chòe-kīn Visa ū kóa būn-tê. Móa-gia̍h. Kim-gia̍h chhiau-kòe. Tī YourItalianKitchen [Chhan-thiaⁿ miâ: Lín ê Italia Chàu-kha] hoat-hiān, hit-sî Visa pī kī-choa̍t. Lâu Pam kap gín-á tī hia, kek chi̍t-ê ké-chhiò kín kiâⁿ chhut-lâi, sái-chhia khì ATM [chū-tōng niá-chîⁿ ki]. Koh tú-tio̍h khó-phà ê sî-khek, ATM khah mā pī kī-choa̍t. Piⁿ-á ê chùi-sian kóng ATM kò͘-chiong, chí-ín góa khì pa̍t-ūi ê ATM. Khui-chhia lī-khui ê sî, chhin-chhiat ia̍t-chhiú kám-siā chùi-sian. Chùi-sian ǹg góa pí chéng-thâu-á. Tē-jī tâi ATM, kám-siā Thiⁿ, bô pháiⁿ-khì, bô kī-choa̍t. Kàu-ūi, hong thàu, tńg-lâi YourItalianKitchen hoat-hiān Pam teh lim tē-saⁿ poe kapi, gín-á liu lo̍h í-á, kō͘ gîn-kak-á teh khok chúi-cho̍k-siuⁿ, ho̍k-bū-oân khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin siū-khì. Hù hiān-kim, koh ka chi̍t-ê tōa-tōa phō-khiàm ê sió-hùi. Ū siūⁿ tio̍h boeh bu̍t-siu gín-á ê gîn-kak-á (!). M̄-koh, chóng-thé lâi kóng, ē-àm iáu sǹg bē-bái. Chiâⁿ sim-sek. Khok chúi-cho̍k-siuⁿ chìn-chêng, gín-á ê piáu-hiān lóng bē-bái.

M̄-koh, būn-tê iáu tī leh: Visa móa ah. AmEx mā móa ah, Discover tit-boeh móa ah. Khà tiān-ōe khì Discover, chhun $200 thang iōng. Góa nā choán $200 chi-phiò ji̍p-khì (tán chiap tio̍h kang-chu), tō ū $400 thang iōng. Chhiam Discover ē-tàng bé hit-chiah pà. Sui-bóng sî-kan ū būn-tê. Bo̍k-chêng chi-phiò khang-khang. Kang-chu tio̍h kín lâi, tio̍h kín kā kià-ji̍p góa ê chi-phiò, hi-bāng kang-chu kín kiat-siàu. Tán la̍p siàu ê sî, lâu $200 ê siàu bōe-sī la̍p. Lâu khah-bān chiah la̍p.

Chit kúi-ji̍t si̍t-chāi ân tòng-tòng.

Kì hō͘ bī-lâi ê sè-tāi: Tī goán chit-ê sî-tāi ū kiò-chò sìn-iōng-khah chit-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Kong-si chioh chîⁿ hō͘ lí, lí kō͘ koân lāi hêng chîⁿ. Lí bô chîⁿ thang chò siūⁿ boeh chò ê tāi-chì ê sî (chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng bé chhia-chhi ê pà), che chin hó. Tī lí bī-lâi ê ji̍t-chí nih, lí khó-lêng ē kóng, Mài bé lí hū-tam bē-khí ê mi̍h, kám m̄-sī koh-khah hó? Lí án-ne kóng chin kán-tan! Lí m̄-sī tī chia, m̄-sī tī goán ê sè-kài, ū gín-á, lí só͘ ài ê gín-á, pa̍t-lâng lóng ūi in ê gín-á chò hó sū, chhiūⁿ-kóng khì Nice chò Ûi-sán Lí-hêng (jû-kó lí sī Mancini ê ka-cho̍k), a̍h khì Bahama chò 3 lé-pài ê tîm-chûn chhàng-chúi (jû-kó lí sī Gary Gold hām in o͘ koh kim ê hāu-seⁿ Byron).

Góa ū kài chē siūⁿ boeh chò, boeh thé-giām, boeh hō͘ gín-á. Sî-kan kòe tio̍h chiah kín, gín-á tōa tio̍h chiah kín. Taⁿ m̄-chò, tán hô-sî? Lán tang-sî chiah boeh tùi in tōa chhut-chhiú koh khóng-khài? M̄-bat khì kòe Hawaii, a̍h sńg hui-hêng-sòaⁿ (飛行傘, parasailing), a̍h tī hái-piⁿ kapi-thiaⁿ chia̍h-tàu, tì chi̍t-sî hoaⁿ-hí só͘ bé ê jiû-nńg chháu-bō. Só͘-í, góa hoân-ló: Tī khiàm-khoeh tōa-hàn, in kám ē piàn-chiâⁿ siuⁿ kín-sīn? M̄-sī in-ūi in tī khiàm-khoeh tōa-hàn. Sī in-ūi ū kóa mi̍h-kiāⁿ goán boeh ài m̄-koh tit bē tio̍h. Nā in-ūi khiàm-khoeh, gín-á ê ióng-sêng siuⁿ kín-sīn, án-ne sè-kài kám bē kā in pō͘-pō͘ leh koh phùi chhut-lâi?

M̄-koh, iáu sī ài hó-hó chiàn-tàu! Siūⁿ tio̍h Apa. Abú lī-khui Apa ê sî, Apa kè-sio̍k kang-chok. Hông sî thâu-lō͘ ê sî, khì sàng pò-chóa. Sàng pò-chóa hông sî ê sî, khì sàng khah bái ê lō͘-sòaⁿ. Tòe sî-kan keng-kòe, iū tit-tio̍h khah hó ê lō͘-sòaⁿ. Apa sí ê sî, thâu-lō͘ kap tong-chhe ê chha-put-to hó. Mā hêng-tiāu tōa pō͘-hūn kàng-chit khì khah bái lō͘-sòaⁿ só͘ chō-sêng ê chè-bū.

Kì hō͘ ka-tī: Khì khòaⁿ Apa ê bōng. Chah hoe. Kap Apa kóng-ōe, kóng tī i teh sàng khah bái lō͘-sòaⁿ ê sî góa tùi i kóng ê ōe, in-ūi cho͘ bē-khí pit-gia̍p bú-hōe ê lé-ho̍k tio̍h chhēng i ê kū lé-ho̍k, chin bē ha̍h-su. M̄-koh, góa bô eng-kai chho͘-ló͘. He m̄-sī i ê m̄-tio̍h, i koân góa boeh kui-chhioh, só͘-í khò͘-kha thoa thô͘, khàm tiāu Apa chioh góa ê ê-á, he ê-á ân tòng-tòng, in-ūi Apa sui-bóng koân, kha pí góa ê khah sè.

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3. Lilly ê 可能 ê 禮物清單

九月初 7

拄 koh 讀最後彼點, 著澄清一下.

我並無厭僐工作. 工作是一種特權. 我並無恨好額人. 我 mā 期望 kā-tī 會好額. 等阮落尾有 ka-tī ê 橋, 尊魚, 樹仔厝, SK, tt, 上無知影是阮 ka-tī 實在趁來 ê, 無像, 舉例來講, Torrini án-ne, 我感覺 in 是 ùi 祖產來 ê.

昨暗 party 了後, 發現 Eva tī 她 ê 房間 teh 傷心. 問她原因, 她講無原因. M̄-koh tī 畫圖簿: 看著她畫一排傷心 ê SK. 知姻傷心, 因為目眉攏像 Fu Manchu án-ne 糾糾, 目屎踅彎 lak 落, 目屎落塗 ê 位發花出來. 記予 ka-tī: 解說予她知, 免艱苦, 姻並袂傷心, 實際是歡喜, 因為姻早前 ê 條件是: 是姻 ê 選擇, 真歡喜, tt.

NPR (National Public Radio, 全國公共廣播) 有關一个 Bangla SK 寄錢轉厝 ê 報導真感動: 予爸母通起一間草厝. (記予 ka-ti: 去線頂揣, 下載, 播送予 Eva 聽. 著先修理電腦. 電腦有夠慢. 凡勢著刣 "CircusLoser"? 因為記持 siuⁿ 低, 把戲攏 khê-khê, 象 mā 袂跳 = 無好耍.)

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九月 12

Koh 9 工 Lilly 生日. 小可驚這. 壓力真大. 無希望䆀 ê party.

已經問 Lilly 想欲愛 ê 禮物清單. 今仔日到厝看著寫 "可能 ê 禮物清單" ê 批囊. 內面是一寡目錄 ê 剪片: "Teh 歇睏 ê 兇猛." 一對瓷仔 ê 野樹林兇猛山貓已經馴服 (上無今是 án-ne!) tī 裝飾幼路 ê 枕頭頂, m̄-koh 毋通看低 in ê 野性. 向倒爿 ê 豹: $350. 向正爿 ê 虎: $325. Koh 貼一張字條: "Pa, 選第二个." "姑娘讀古予小妹聽" 雕像: 這个由 Nevada 藝術家 Dani 所做 ê 囡仔時研究 kō͘ 瓷仔來回憶 "講古時間" ê 歡喜 kap 逐个分享 ê 溫暖時刻. 姑娘和小妹 tī 金滑 ê 石頭頂讀冊: $280.

感覺真失志, 因為: 1) 是按怎 13 歲 ê 姑娘愛這種老查某款 ê 禮物, 2) 13 歲姑娘 ùi 佗位知影 $300 = 適當 ê 生日禮物? 我細漢 ê 時, 是一領 siatchuh, 我無愛 ê siatchuh, 通常是厝 nih 做 ê.

M̄-koh, 我無愛予 Lilly 傷心, mā 無愛提起手頭絚. 天公知影, 我已經 kā 她提起濟濟遍 ah. 為學校 ê "阮 ê 厝埕" 作業,  Leslie Torrini 扎東方橋 ê 相片, koh ū 有關 SK ê 背景資料 ( 年齡, 出身, tt), 班上其他 ê 囡仔 mā 差不多, m̄-koh Lilly 扎去 ê 是舊年想欲種菜園挖著 ê 1940 年代 ê  sakuh (condom) 盒仔. 凡勢予她扎 sakuh 盒仔去是錯誤 ê 決定? 彼時我想, 是歷史的 ê 物, 應該是袂䆀, 凡勢囡仔未注意著彼是 sakuh 盒仔. M̄-koh 老師有注意著, 講出來, 囡仔大笑, 老師利用機會討論安全 ê seks, 這對班級好, m̄-koh 對 Lilly 無 hiah 好.  

講著 party, Lilly 講她甘願莫. 我問, 是按怎莫, 親愛 ê? 她講, Oh, 無理由. 我講, 敢是因為咱 ê 厝埕, 咱 ê 厝? 敢是因為你恐驚 kō͘ 咱 ê 細間厝 kap 空空 ê 埕, 彼 party 可能會無聊 koh 現世?

彼予她目屎四淋垂, koh 講, Oh, Pă.

事實上, 一个小雕像並袂過份. A̍h 是講, 凡勢有值得小 kā 倖一下, 因為 tī "阮厝埕" 彼工她面憂憂轉來, 吐長氣 kā sakuh 盒仔抨 tī 桌仔頂. 

凡勢買 "姑娘讀古予小妹聽," 因為 he 上俗? 雖罔買上俗 ê 物是一个歹 ê 信號? Tī 想欲慷慨 ê 當中 koh 發出虯儉 ê 信號? 凡勢上好是 pìⁿ 大 ê? Kō͘ Visa [信用卡] 來買彼隻豹, 希望予她一个大大 ê 驚喜.

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九月 14

今仔日觀察 Mel Redden 工作. 伊做了袂䆀. 我 mā 做了袂䆀. 伊犯寡小錯誤, 我攏掠著. 伊犯一个回收錯誤: kā Tab 罐仔㧒去毋著 ê 桶仔. Teh 㧒 Tab 罐仔毋著桶 ê 時, 犯人體工學錯誤, 遠遠㧒, 㧒袂準, 著起身去抾 koh 重㧒. Koh 有第二个人體工學錯誤: 抾 Tab koh 㧒 ê 時無跍落, 干焦彎腰, án-ne 會增加背疼 ê 風險. Mel tī 我 ê 觀察單簽名, 然後要求我重觀察. 真巧. Tī 重觀察中間, Mel 無犯錯誤. 無抨罐仔去桶仔, 干焦靜靜坐 tī 桌仔. Choăn 會當加入伊 ê 記錄. 朋友分手, tt, tt.

Koh 一禮拜 tō 是 L ê 生日.

記予 ka-tī: 訂彼隻豹.

M̄-koh, 無 hiah 簡單. 最近 Visa 有寡問題. 滿額. 金額超過. Tī YourItalianKitchen [餐廳名: 恁 ê Italia 灶跤] 發現, 彼時 Visa 被拒絕. 留 Pam kap 囡仔 tī hia, 激一个假笑緊行出來, 駛車去 ATM [自動領錢機]. Koh 拄著可怕 ê 時刻, ATM 卡 mā 被拒絕. 邊仔 ê 醉仙講 ATM 故障, 指引我去別位 ê ATM. 開車離開 ê 時, 親切擛手感謝醉仙. 醉仙 ǹg 我比指頭仔. 第二台 ATM, 感謝天, 無歹去, 無拒絕. 到位, 風透, 轉來 YourItalianKitchen 發現 Pam teh 啉第三杯 kapi, 囡仔溜落椅仔, kō͘ 銀角仔 teh 硞水族箱, 服務員看起來真受氣. 付現金, koh 加一个大大抱歉 ê 小費. 有想著欲沒收囡仔 ê 銀角仔 (!). M̄-koh, 總體來講, 下暗猶算袂䆀. 誠心適. 硞水族箱進前, 囡仔 ê 表現攏袂䆀.

M̄-koh, 問題猶 tī leh: Visa 滿 ah. AmEx mā 滿 ah, Discover 得欲滿 ah. 敲電話去 Discover, 賰 $200 thang 用. 我若轉 $200 支票入去 (等接著工資), tō 有 $400 thang 用. 簽 Discover 會當買彼隻豹. 雖罔時間有問題. 目前支票空空. 工資著緊來, 著緊 kā 寄入我 ê 支票, 希望工資緊結數. 等納數 ê 時, 留 $200 ê 數未是納. 留較慢才納.

這幾日實在絚 tòng-tòng.

記予未來 ê 世代: Tī 阮這个時代有叫做信用卡這種物件. 公司借錢予你, 你 kō͘ 懸利還錢. 你無錢通做想欲做 ê 代誌 ê 時 (親像講買奢侈 ê 豹), 這真好. Tī 你未來 ê 日子 nih, 你可能會講, 莫買你負擔袂起 ê 物, 敢毋是 koh 較好? 你 án-ne 講真簡單! 你毋是 tī chia, 毋是 tī 阮 ê 世界, 有囡仔, 你所愛 ê 囡仔, 別人攏為 in ê 囡仔做好事, 像講去 Nice 做遺產旅行 (如果你是 Mancini ê 家族), a̍h去 Bahama 做 3 禮拜 ê 沉船藏水 (如果你是 Gary Gold 和 in 烏 koh 金 ê 後生 Byron).

我有蓋濟想欲做, 欲體驗, 欲予囡仔. 時間過著 chiah 緊, 囡仔大著 chiah 緊. 今毋做, 等何時? 咱當時才欲對 in 大出手 koh 慷慨? M̄-bat 去過 Hawaii, a̍h 耍 hui-hêng-sòaⁿ (飛行傘, parasailing), a̍h tī 海邊 kapi 廳食晝, 戴一時歡喜所買 ê 柔軟草帽. 所以, 我煩惱: Tī 欠缺大漢, in 敢會變成 siuⁿ 謹慎? 毋是因為 in tī 欠缺大漢. 是因為有寡物件阮欲愛 m̄-koh 得袂著. 若因為欠缺, 囡仔 ê 養成 siuⁿ 謹慎, án-ne 世界敢袂 kā in 哺哺 leh koh 呸出來?

M̄-koh, 猶是愛好好戰鬥! 想著 Apa. Abú 離開 Apa ê 時, Apa 繼續工作. Hông 辭頭路 ê 時, 去送報紙. 送報紙 hông 辭 ê 時, 去送較䆀 ê 路線. 綴時間經過, 又得著較好 ê 路線. Apa 死 ê 時, 頭路 kap 當初 ê 差不多好. Mā 還掉大部份降職去較䆀路線所造成 ê 債務.

記予 ka-tī: 去看 Apa ê 墓. 扎花. Kap Apa 講話, 講 tī 伊 teh 送較䆀路線 ê 時我對伊講 ê 話, 因為租袂起畢業舞會 ê 禮服著穿伊 ê 舊禮服, 真袂合軀. M̄-koh, 我無應該粗魯. 彼毋是伊 ê 毋著, 伊懸我欲規尺, 所以褲跤拖塗, 崁掉 Apa 借我 ê 鞋仔, he 鞋仔絚 tòng-tòng, 因為 Apa 雖罔懸, 跤比我 ê 較細.

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3.

SEPTEMBER 7th

Just reread that last entry and should clarify.

Am not tired of work. It is a privilege to work. I do not hate the rich. I aspire to be rich myself. And when we finally do get our own bridge, trout, tree house, SGs, etc., at least will know we really earned them, unlike, say, the Torrinis, who, I feel, must have family money.

Last night, after party, found Eva sad in her room. Asked why. She said no reason. But in sketch pad: crayon pic of row of sad SGs. Could tell were meant to be sad, due to frowns went down off faces like Fu Manchus and tears were dropping in arcs, flowers springing up where tears hit ground. Note to self: Talk to her, explain that it does not hurt, they are not sad but actually happy, given what their prior conditions were like: they chose, are glad, etc.

Very moving piece on NPR re Bangladeshi SG sending money home: hence her parents able to build small shack. (Note to self: Find online, download, play for Eva. First fix computer. Computer super slow. Possibly delete “CircusLoser”? Acrobats run all jerky, due to low memory + elephants do not hop = no fun.)

SEPTEMBER 12th

Nine days to Lilly’s b-day. Kind of dread this. Too much pressure. Do not want to have bad party.

Had asked Lilly for list of b-day gift ideas. Today came home to envelope labelled “possible gift list.” Inside, clippings from some catalogue: “Resting Fierceness.” A pair of fierce porcelain jungle cats are tamed (at least for now!) on highly detailed ornamental pillows, but their wildness is not to be underestimated. Left-facing cheetah: $350. Right-facing tiger: $325. Then, on Post-it: “dad, second choice.” “Girl Reading to Little Sister” figurine: This childhood study by Nevada artist Dani will recall in porcelain the joys of “story time” and the tender moments shared by all. Girl and little girl reading on polished rock: $280.

Discouraging, I felt. Because (1) why does young girl of thirteen want such old-lady gift, and (2) where does girl of thirteen get idea that $300 = appropriate amount for b-day gift? When I was kid, it was one shirt, one shirt I didn’t want, usually homemade.

However, do not want to break Lilly’s heart or harshly remind her of our limitations. God knows, she is already reminded often enough. For “My Yard” project at school, Leslie Torrini brought in pics of Oriental bridge, plus background info on SGs (age, place of origin, etc.), as did “every other kid in class,” whereas Lilly brought in nineteen-forties condom box found last year during aborted attempt to start vegetable garden. Perhaps was bad call re letting her bring condom box? Thought, being historical, it would be good, plus perhaps kids would not notice it was condom box. But teacher noticed, pointed out, kids had big hoot, teacher used opportunity to discuss safe sex, which was good for class but maybe not so good for Lilly.

As for party, Lilly said she would rather not have one. I asked, Why not, sweetie? She said, Oh, no reason. I said, Is it because of our yard, our house? Is it because you are afraid that, given our small house and bare yard, party might be boring or embarrassing?

At which she burst into tears and said, Oh, Daddy.

Actually, one figurine might not be excessive. Or, rather, might be excess worth indulging in, due to sad look on her face when she came in on “My Yard” day and dropped condom box on table with sigh.

Maybe “Girl Reading to Little Sister,” as that is cheapest? Although maybe giving cheapest sends bad signal? Signals frugality even in midst of attempt to be generous? Maybe best to go big? Go for “Resting Fierceness”? Put cheetah on Visa, hope she is happily surprised?

SEPTEMBER 14th

Observed Mel Redden at work today. He did fine. I did fine. He committed minor errors, I caught them all. He made one Recycling Error: threw Tab can in wrong bucket. When throwing Tab in wrong bucket, made Ergonomic Error, by throwing from far away, missing, having to get up and rethrow. Then made second Ergonomic Error: did not squat when picking up Tab to rethrow, but bent at waist, thereby increasing risk of back injury. Mel signed off on my Observations, then asked me to re-Observe. Very smart. During re-Observation, Mel made no errors. Threw no cans in bucket, just sat very still at desk. So was able to append that to his Record. Parted friends, etc., etc.

One week until L’s birthday.

Note to self: Order cheetah.

However, not that simple. Some recent problems with Visa. Full. Past full. Found out at YourItalianKitchen, when Visa declined. Left Pam and kids there, walked rapidly out with big fake smile, drove to ATM. Then scary moment as ATM card also declined. Nearby wino said ATM was broken, directed me to different ATM. Thanked wino with friendly wave as I drove past. Wino gave me finger. Second ATM, thank God, not broken, did not decline. Arrived, winded, back at YourItalianKitchen to find Pam on third cup of coffee and kids falling off chairs and tapping aquarium with dimes, wait staff looking peeved. Paid cash, w/ big apologetic tip. Considered collecting dimes from kids (!). Still, over all nice night. Really fun. Kids showed good manners, until aquarium bit.

But problem remains: Visa full. Also AmEx full and Discover nearly full. Called Discover: $200 avail. If we transfer $200 from checking (once paycheck comes in), would then have $400 avail. on Discover, could get cheetah. Although timing problematic. Currently, checking at zero. Paycheck must come, must put paycheck in checking pronto, hope paycheck clears quickly. And then, when doing bills, pick bills totalling $200 to not pay. To defer paying.

Stretched a bit thin these days.

Note to future generations: In our time are such things as credit cards. Company loans money, you pay back at high interest rate. Is nice for when you do not actually have money to do thing you want to do (for example, buy extravagant cheetah). You may say, safe in your future time, Wouldn’t it be better to simply not do thing you can’t afford to do? Easy for you to say! You are not here, in our world, with kids, kids you love, while other people are doing good things for their kids, such as a Heritage Journey to Nice, if you are the Mancinis, or three weeks wreck-diving off the Bahamas, if you are Gary Gold and his tan, sleek son, Byron.

There is so much I want to do and experience and give to kids. Time going by so quickly, kids growing up so fast. If not now, when? When will we give them largesse and sense of generosity? Have never been to Hawaii or parasailed or eaten lunch at café by ocean, wearing floppy straw hats just purchased on whim. So I worry: Growing up in paucity, won’t they become too cautious? Not that they are growing up in paucity. Still, there are things we want but cannot have. If kids raised too cautious, due to paucity, will not world chew them up and spit out?

Still, must fight good fight! Think of Dad. When Mom left Dad, Dad kept going to job. When laid off from job, got paper route. When laid off from paper route, got lesser paper route. In time, got better route back. By time Dad died, had job almost as good as original job. And had paid off most debt incurred after demotion to lesser route.

Note to self: Visit Dad’s grave. Bring flowers. Have talk with Dad re certain things said by me at time of paper routes, due to, could not afford rental tux for prom but had to wear Dad’s old tux, which did not fit. Still, no need to be rude. Was not Dad’s fault he was good foot taller than me and therefore pant legs dragged, hiding Dad’s borrowed shoes, which pinched, because Dad, though tall, had tiny feet.

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