3. 我敢有 Chink 面?

3. Góa kám ū chink bīn?

Mark sī chi̍t-ê tòa chhù-piⁿ ê cha-po͘ gín-á. I chah i he ē tín-tāng ê Star Wars (Seng-kiû Tāi-chiàn) bô͘-hêng lâi. Obi-Wan Kenobi ê kng-kiàm ē hoat-kng, i ē-tàng sut chhiú-kut, koh sè-sè siaⁿ kóng, "Sái Khùi-la̍t!" Góa kám-kak he bô͘-hêng kin-pún to bô sêng chin-chiàⁿ ê Obi-Wan.

Goán chò-hóe khòaⁿ i tī kapi toh-á téng tiông-ho̍k chit-ê piáu-ián 5 kái. "I iáu ē-tàng chhòng siáⁿ?" góa mn̄g.

Mark tùi góa ê būn-tê chin àu-náu. "Khòaⁿ só͘-ū ê sè-chiat," i kóng.

Góa khòaⁿ hiah-ê sè-chiat. Góa bô khak-tēng góa tio̍h kóng siáⁿ.

Mark tùi góa ê hoán-èng chin sit-bōng. "Hō͘ góa khòaⁿ lí ê thit-thô mi̍h."

Góa bô siáⁿ-mih thit-thô-mi̍h, tî-liáu góa ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t-á. Góa kā Laohu ùi góa ê khùn-pâng chhōa chhut-lâi. Hit-sî i í-keng phòa-phòa, tah kah chiâu sī ka-pò͘ kap kô͘-á, he sī Ma kap góa kúi-nî lâi kā i siu-pó͘ ê chèng-kì. I í-keng bô chhiūⁿ chá-chêng hiah liú-lia̍h koh kha-pō͘ tiāⁿ. Góa hō͘ i tī kapi toh-á chē lo̍h-lâi. Góa ē-tàng thiaⁿ tio̍h kî-thaⁿ tōng-bu̍t ê kha-pō͘ siaⁿ tī cháu-lông, in kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ thau-khòaⁿ kheh-thiaⁿ. 

"Xiao lao-hu," góa kóng, sûi tòng-tiām. Góa ōaⁿ kóng Eng-gí. "Che sī Hó͘." Laohu sió-sim kiâⁿ kòe lâi, ǹg Mark hm̄ siaⁿ, ná phīⁿ i ê chhiú.

Mark kiám-cha Laohu phôe-hu téng ê Kitok-Seⁿ pau-chong chóa tô͘-iūⁿ, "Che kin-pún bô sêng hó͘. Lín Ma kō͘ pùn-sò chò thit-thô-mi̍h hō͘ lí?"

Góa m̄-bat siūⁿ kòe Laohu sī pùn-sò. M̄-koh taⁿ khòaⁿ i, i chin-chiàⁿ chí sī chi̍t-tiuⁿ pau-chong chóa.

Mark koh sak Obi-Wan ê thâu. Kng-kiàm koh sih; i ê chhiú-kut téng-ē sóa-tāng. "Sái Khùi-la̍t!"

Laohu oa̍t-sin, pà kòe, kā sok-ka bô͘-hêng kòng lo̍h toh-á. He khok tio̍h tē-pán, phòa khì, Obi-Wan ê thâu-khak liàn kàu phòng-í ē-bīn. "Rawwww," Laohu chhiò chhut-lâi. Góa mā ài chhiò.

Mark kā góa bok, chin tōa-la̍t. "Che chin kùi neh! Chit-má tī tiàm nih mā chhōe bô ah. I khó-lêng pí lín Pa bé lín Ma só͘ hù ê chîⁿ koh khah chē!"

Góa phiân chi̍t-ē, tó tī tē-pán. Laohu hm̄-hm̄ kiò, thiàu khì Mark ê bīn.

Mark tōa-siaⁿ ai, tōa-bīn sī in-ūi tio̍h-kiaⁿ kap ì-gōa, m̄-sī in-ūi thiàⁿ. Chóng-sī, Laohu put-kò sī chóa chò ê.

Mark khì sa Laohu, Laohu ê hm̄ siaⁿ tn̄g khì, in-ūi Mark kā jio̍k tī chhiú nih, koh kā liah chò nn̄g koe̍h. I kā nn̄g-phìⁿ chóa tēⁿ chò chi̍t-oân, phiaⁿ hō͘ góa. "Che sī lí ê hàu-tai chhàu-chiān China pùn-sò."

Mark lī-khui liáu-āu, góa khai chin kú ê sî-kan, chhì boeh kā phòa chóa kô͘ chò-hóe, kā chóa ut pêⁿ, chiàu kū-hûn koh áu Laohu, m̄-koh bô sêng-kong. Bān-bān, kî-thaⁿ tōng-bu̍t-á lâi kàu kheh-thiaⁿ, ûi tī goán sin-piⁿ: its góa kap kòe-khì sī Laohu ê hit-tiuⁿ phòa kê-kê ê pau-chong chóa.

#

Góa hām Mark ê oan-ke iáu bōe soah. Mark tī ha̍k-hāu chin ū lâng-iân. Góa m̄-káⁿ koh siūⁿ khí sòa lo̍h-lâi ê hit nn̄g lé-pài.

Nn̄g lé-pài kiat-sok ê hit-ê pài-5, góa tńg kàu chhù. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Ma mn̄g góa. Góa bô kóng siáⁿ tō khì e̍k-sek. Góa chiò-kiàⁿ khòaⁿ ka-tī. Góa khòaⁿ khí-lâi chi̍t-sut-á to bô sêng yi, chi̍t-sut-á to bô.

Chia̍h-àm ê sî, góa mn̄g Pa, "Góa kám ū Chink-bīn?"

Pa kā tī khǹg lo̍h. Sui-bóng góa m̄-bat kā i kóng ha̍k-hāu ê tāi-chì, i ká-ná liáu-kái. I ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh, chhiú so phīⁿ-kut. "Bô, lí bô."

Ma khòaⁿ Pa, bô liáu-kái. Yi oa̍t kòe-lâi khòaⁿ góa. "Sha jiao chink?"

"Eng-gí," góa kóng. "Kóng Eng-gí."

Yi chhì kóng. "Sī án-nóa sioh?"

Góa kā tī kap bīn-chêng ê óaⁿ sak khui: ngó͘-hiang gû-bah chhá chheⁿ hoan-kiuⁿ. "Lán tio̍h chia̍h Bí-kok chhài."

Pa chhì boeh kóng lí-iû. "Chin chē ka-têng ū-sî mā chú China chhài."

"Lán m̄-sī pa̍t-ê ka-têng." góa khòaⁿ i. "Pa̍t-ê ka-têng bô m̄-sī ka-têng chi̍t-hūn-chú ê lāu-bú."

I khòaⁿ khì pa̍t-ūi. Jiân-āu, i chi̍t-chhiú khǹg tī Ma ê keng-thâu. "Góa bé chi̍t-pún si̍t-phó͘ hō͘ lí."

Ma oa̍t hiòng góa. "Bu haochi?"

"Eng-gí," góa kóng, siaⁿ-im giâ koân. "Kóng Eng-gí."

Ma chhun-chhiú bong góa ê hia̍h-thâu, kám-kak góa ê un-tō͘. "Fashao la?"

Góa póe khui yi ê chhiú. "Góa bô tāi-chì. Kóng Eng-gí!" góa kō͘ jiáng ê.

"Kap i kóng Eng-gí," Pa tùi Ma kóng. "Lí chai-iáⁿ, chóng ū chi̍t-kang ē án-ne. Lí boeh kî-thāi siáⁿ?"

Ma ê chhiú sûi lo̍h-khì. Yi chē tio̍h, ùi Pa hia oa̍t kòe-lâi khòaⁿ góa, koh oa̍t tńg khòaⁿ Pa. Yi chhì boeh kóng-ōe, thêng lo̍h-lâi, koh chhì, koh thêng lo̍h-lâi.

"Lí tio̍h chò," Pa kóng. "Góa it-ti̍t tùi lí siuⁿ hòng-jīm. Jack su-iàu sek-èng."

Ma khòaⁿ i. "Góa nā kóng ‘love,’ góa kám-kak tī chia." Yi kí chhùi-tûn. "Góa nā kóng ‘ai,’ góa kám-kak tī chia." Yi kā chhiú khǹg tī sim-koaⁿ.

Pa iô thâu, "Lí sī tī Bí-kok."

Ma kiu tī chē-ūi, khòaⁿ tio̍h ná chhiūⁿ chúi-gû í-chêng hō͘ Laohu pà tio̍h, sèⁿ-miā ê khùi hō͘ i chiⁿ liáu-liáu.

"Góa mā boeh ài chin-chiàⁿ ê thit-thô-mi̍h."

- -

3. 我敢有 Chink 面?

Mark 是一个蹛厝邊 ê 查埔囡仔. 伊扎伊 he 會振動 ê Star Wars (星球大戰) 模型來. Obi-Wan Kenobi ê 光劍會發光, 伊會當 sut 手骨, koh 細細聲講, "使氣力!" 我感覺彼模型根本 to 無成真正 ê Obi-Wan.

阮做伙看伊 tī kapi 桌仔頂重複這个表演 5 改. "伊猶會當創啥?" 我問.

Mark 對我 ê 問題真懊惱. "看所有 ê 細節," 伊講.

我看 hiah-ê 細節. 我無確定我著講啥.

Mark 對我 ê 反應真失望. "予我看你 ê thit-thô 物."

我無啥物 thit-thô 物, 除了我 ê 拗紙動物仔. 我 kā Laohu ùi 我 ê 睏房 chhōa 出來. 彼時伊已經破破, 貼 kah chiâu 是膠布 kap 糊仔, 彼是 Ma kap 我幾年來 kā 伊修補 ê 證據. 伊已經無像早前 hiah 扭掠 koh 跤步定. 我予伊 tī kapi 桌仔坐落來. 我會當聽著其他動物 ê 跤步聲 tī 走廊, in 驚驚偷看客廳. 

"Xiao lao-hu," 我講, 隨擋恬. 我換講英語. "這是虎." Laohu 小心行過來, ǹg Mark hm̄ 聲, ná 鼻伊 ê 手.

Mark 檢查 Laohu 皮膚頂 ê 基督生包裝紙圖樣, "這根本無成虎. 恁 Ma kō͘ 糞埽做 thit-thô 物予你?"

我毋捌想過 Laohu 是糞埽. 毋過今看伊, 伊真正只是一張包裝紙.

Mark koh 捒 Obi-Wan ê 頭. 光劍 koh 爍; 伊 ê 手骨頂下徙動. "使氣力!"

Laohu 越身, 霸過, kā 塑膠模型摃落桌仔. 彼硞著地板, 破去, Obi-Wan ê 頭殼輾到膨椅下面. "Rawwww," Laohu 笑出來. 我 mā 愛笑.

Mark kā 我揍, 真大力. "這真貴 neh! Chit-má tī 店 nih mā 揣無 ah. 伊可能比恁 Pa 買恁 Ma 所付 ê 錢 koh 較濟!"

我蹁一下, 倒 tī 地板. Laohu hm̄-hm̄ 叫, 跳去 Mark ê 面.

Mark 大聲唉, 大面是因為著驚 kap 意外, 毋是因為疼. 總是, Laohu 不過是紙做 ê.

Mark 去捎 Laohu, Laohu ê hm̄ 聲斷去, 因為 Mark kā 褥 tī 手 nih, koh kā 裂做兩 koe̍h. 伊 kā 兩片紙捏做一丸, 抨予我. "這是你 ê 孝呆臭賤 China 糞埽."

Mark 離開了後, 我開真久 ê 時間, 試欲 kā 破紙糊做伙, kā 紙熨平, 照舊痕 koh 拗 Laohu, 毋過無成功. 慢慢, 其他動物仔來到客廳, 圍 tī 阮身邊: its 我 kap 過去是 Laohu ê 彼張破 kê-kê ê 包裝紙.

#

我和 Mark ê 冤家猶未煞. Mark tī 學校真有人緣. 我毋敢 koh 想起紲落來 ê 彼兩禮拜.

兩禮拜結束 ê 彼个拜 5, 我轉到厝. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Ma 問我. 我無講啥 tō 去浴室. 我照鏡看家治. 我看起來一屑仔 to 無成她, 一屑仔 to 無.

食暗 ê 時, 我問 Pa, "我敢有 Chink 面?"

Pa kā 箸囥落. 雖罔我毋捌 kā 伊講學校 ê 代誌, 伊 ká-ná 了解. 伊目睭瞌瞌, 手挲鼻骨. "無, 你無."

Ma 看 Pa, 無了解. 她越過來看我. "Sha jiao chink?"

"英語," 我講. "講英語."

她試講. "是按怎 sioh?"

我 kā 箸 kap 面前 ê 碗捒開: 五香牛肉炒青番薑. "咱著食美國菜."

Pa 試欲講理由. "真濟家庭有時 mā 煮 China 菜."

"咱毋是別个家庭." 我看伊. "別个家庭無毋是家庭一份子 ê 老母."

伊看去別位. 然後, 伊一手囥 tī Ma ê 肩頭. "我買一本食譜予你."

Ma 越向我. "Bu haochi?"

"英語," 我講, 聲音夯懸. "講英語."

Ma 伸手摸我 ê 額頭, 感覺我 ê 溫度. "Fashao la?"

我掰開她 ê 手. "我無代誌. 講英語!" 我 kō͘ 嚷 ê.

"Kap 伊講英語," Pa 對 Ma 講. "你知影, 總有一工會 án-ne. 你欲期待啥?"

Ma ê 手垂落去. 她坐著, ùi Pa hia 越過來看我, koh 越轉看 Pa. 她試欲講話, 停落來, koh 試, koh 停落來.

"你著做," Pa 講. "我一直對你 siuⁿ 放任. Jack 需要適應."

Ma 看伊. "我若講 ‘love,’ 我感覺 tī chia." 她指喙唇. "我若講 ‘ai,’ 我感覺 tī chia." 她 kā 手囥 tī 心肝.

Pa 搖頭, "你是 tī 美國."

Ma 勼 tī 坐位, 看著 ná 像水牛以前予 Laohu 霸著, 性命 ê 氣予伊櫼了了.

"我 mā 欲愛真正 ê thit-thô 物."

- -

3.

Mark, one of the neighborhood boys, came over with his Star Wars action figures. Obi-Wan Kenobi's lightsaber lit up and he could swing his arms and say, in a tinny voice, "Use the Force!" I didn't think the figure looked much like the real Obi-Wan at all.

Together, we watched him repeat this performance five times on the coffee table. "Can he do anything else?" I asked.

Mark was annoyed by my question. "Look at all the details," he said.

I looked at the details. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.

Mark was disappointed by my response. "Show me your toys."

I didn't have any toys except my paper menagerie. I brought Laohu out from my bedroom. By then he was very worn, patched all over with tape and glue, evidence of the years of repairs Mom and I had done on him. He was no longer as nimble and sure-footed as before. I sat him down on the coffee table. I could hear the skittering steps of the other animals behind in the hallway, timidly peeking into the living room.

"Xiao laohu," I said, and stopped. I switched to English. "This is Tiger." Cautiously, Laohu strode up and purred at Mark, sniffing his hands.

Mark examined the Christmas-wrap pattern of Laohu's skin. "That doesn't look like a tiger at all. Your Mom makes toys for you from trash?"

I had never thought of Laohu as trash. But looking at him now, he was really just a piece of wrapping paper.

Mark pushed Obi-Wan's head again. The lightsaber flashed; he moved his arms up and down. "Use the Force!"

Laohu turned and pounced, knocking the plastic figure off the table. It hit the floor and broke, and Obi-Wan's head rolled under the couch. "Rawwww," Laohu laughed. I joined him.

Mark punched me, hard. "This was very expensive! You can't even find it in the stores now. It probably cost more than what your dad paid for your mom!"

I stumbled and fell to the floor. Laohu growled and leapt at Mark's face.

Mark screamed, more out of fear and surprise than pain. Laohu was only made of paper, after all.

Mark grabbed Laohu and his snarl was choked off as Mark crumpled him in his hand and tore him in half. He balled up the two pieces of paper and threw them at me. "Here's your stupid cheap Chinese garbage."

After Mark left, I spent a long time trying, without success, to tape together the pieces, smooth out the paper, and follow the creases to refold Laohu. Slowly, the other animals came into the living room and gathered around us, me and the torn wrapping paper that used to be Laohu.

#

My fight with Mark didn't end there. Mark was popular at school. I never want to think again about the two weeks that followed.

I came home that Friday at the end of the two weeks. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Mom asked. I said nothing and went to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror. I look nothing like her, nothing.

At dinner I asked Dad, "Do I have a chink face?"

Dad put down his chopsticks. Even though I had never told him what happened in school, he seemed to understand. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No, you don't."

Mom looked at Dad, not understanding. She looked back at me. "Sha jiao chink?"

"English," I said. "Speak English."

She tried. "What happen?"

I pushed the chopsticks and the bowl before me away: stir-fried green peppers with five-spice beef. "We should eat American food."

Dad tried to reason. "A lot of families cook Chinese sometimes."

"We are not other families." I looked at him. Other families don't have moms who don't belong.

He looked away. And then he put a hand on Mom's shoulder. "I'll get you a cookbook."

Mom turned to me. "Bu haochi?"

"English," I said, raising my voice. "Speak English."

Mom reached out to touch my forehead, feeling for my temperature. "Fashao la?"

I brushed her hand away. "I'm fine. Speak English!" I was shouting.

"Speak English to him," Dad said to Mom. "You knew this was going to happen some day. What did you expect?"

Mom dropped her hands to her side. She sat, looking from Dad to me, and back to Dad again. She tried to speak, stopped, and tried again, and stopped again.

"You have to," Dad said. "I've been too easy on you. Jack needs to fit in."

Mom looked at him. "If I say 'love,' I feel here." She pointed to her lips. "If I say 'ai,' I feel here." She put her hand over her heart.

Dad shook his head. "You are in America."

Mom hunched down in her seat, looking like the water buffalo when Laohu used to pounce on him and squeeze the air of life out of him.

"And I want some real toys."

- -