4. Yi ê khiuⁿ-kháu hō͘ góa chin gāi-gio̍h
Pa bé hō͘ góa kui-thò ê Star Wars ē tāng ê bô͘-hêng. Góa kā Obi-Wan Kenobi hō͘ Mark.
Góa kā chóa tōng-bu̍t-á chng tī chi̍t-ê ê-a̍p-á, kā khǹg tī bîn-chhn̂g-kha.
Keh-kang chá-khí, chiah-ê tōng-bu̍t-á cháu chhut-lâi, chhut-hiān tī kòe-khì in tī pâng-keng siōng kah-ì ê só͘-chāi. Góa kā in lóng lia̍h khí-lâi, kā khǹg ji̍p ê-a̍p, kā kòa kō͘ ka-pò͘ liâm ân. M̄-koh, tōng-bu̍t-á tī a̍p-á nih iau-pá-chhá, lo̍h-bóe góa kā sat khì lâu-kông ê kak-lo̍h, lī góa ê pâng-keng lú hn̄g lú hó.
Ma nā kap góa kóng China-ōe, góa tō m̄ kā ìn. Kòe chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan, yi khai-sí sú-iōng khah chē Eng-gí. M̄-koh yi kóng ê khiuⁿ-kháu kap bô oân-chéng ê ōe-kù hō͘ góa chin gāi-gio̍h. Góa siūⁿ boeh kā kái-chèng. Lo̍h-bóe, tī góa bīn-chêng, yi oân-choân bô-ài kóng-ōe.
Nā ū siáⁿ mi̍h-kiāⁿ su-iàu hō͘ góa chai, Ma khai-sí kō͘ pí ê. Yi chhì kō͘ tī TV khòaⁿ tio̍h ê Bí-kok lāu-bú ê hong-sek lám góa. Góa kám-kak yi ê tōng-chok siuⁿ ké, bô chū-jiân, hàm-kó͘, bô khì-chit. Yi khòaⁿ góa bô kah-ì án-ne, tō bô koh chò.
"Lí m̄-thang án-ne tùi-thāi lín lāu-bú," Pa kóng. M̄-koh án-ne kóng ê sî, i m̄-káⁿ khòaⁿ góa ê ba̍k-chiu. Tī i ê sim-koaⁿ, i tiāⁿ-tio̍h ì-sek tio̍h, siūⁿ boeh chhōa chi̍t-ê China chng-kha ko͘-niû, kî-bōng yi ē sek-èng Connecticut kau-khu, che sī chi̍t-ê chhò-gō͘.
Ma o̍h chú Bí-kok chhài. Góa sńg tiān-tōng, o̍h Franse-gí.
Ū-sî-á, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tī chàu-kha toh-á gián-kiù pau-chong chóa ê lāi-té bīn. Jiân-āu, chi̍t-chiah sin ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t tō chhut-hiān tī góa ê chhn̂g-piⁿ kūi, siūⁿ boeh óa-kīn góa. Góa kā lia̍h kòe-lâi, kā teⁿ, it-ti̍t kàu in siau-hong, tō kā chiⁿ tī lâu-kông ê a̍p-á nih.
Góa tha̍k ko-tiong ê sî, Ma chóng-sǹg bô koh chò tōng-bu̍t ah. Hit-sî, yi ê Eng-gí í-keng ke chin hó, m̄-koh góa í-keng kàu hit-ê nî-kí, bô hèng-chhù só͘-ū yi kóng ê ōe, m̄-koán kō͘ siáⁿ-mih gí-giân.
Ū-sî, tńg kàu chhù, khòaⁿ yi he sè-sè sin-khu tī chàu-kha bô-êng chhih-chhih, ka-tī ná chhiùⁿ China-koa, góa bô-hoat-tō͘ siong-sìn, sī yi seⁿ góa. Goán bô sio-kāng ê só͘-chāi. Yi mā ū khó-lêng sī goe̍h-kiû lâi ê. Góa tō kín-kín tńg góa ê pâng-keng, tī hia góa ē-tàng kè-sio̍k tui-kiû choân Bí-kok-sek ê hēng-hok.
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Pa hām góa khiā tī tó tī pēⁿ-chhn̂g ê Ma ê nn̄g-pêng. Yi iáu bōe 40 hòe, m̄-koh khòaⁿ tio̍h ke chin lāu.
Kúi nî lâi, yi it-ti̍t m̄ khì hō͘ i-seng khòaⁿ yi thé-lāi ê thiàⁿ-thàng, yi kóng he m̄-sī siáⁿ tōa tāi-chì. M̄-koh, tán lo̍h-bóe kiù-hō͘-chhia lâi chài ê sî, gâm í-keng thòaⁿ kah chhiau-kòe chhiú-su̍t ê hoān-ûi.
Góa ê sim-koaⁿ bô tī pâng-keng. Hit-sî sī khì-gia̍p lâi tāi-ha̍k chio-lâng ê kùi-cheh, góa chù-sim tī kán-le̍k, sêng-chek-toaⁿ, an-pâi biān-tâm sî-kan ê chhek-lio̍k. Góa àn-sǹg boeh án-nóa khah ē-tàng hó͘-lān khì-gia̍p lâi ê chio-bō͘ jîn-oân, hō͘ in goān-ì chhut-kè bé góa. Góa bêng-pe̍k, tī lāu-bú tó tī pēⁿ-chhn̂g boeh sí ê chit-sî, su-khó chiah-ê sī bô eng-kai. M̄-koh, hit-ê bêng-pe̍k pèng bô kái-piàn góa ê siūⁿ-hoat.
Yi iáu ū ì-sek. Pa kō͘ siang-chhiú tēⁿ yi ê tò-chhiú. I àⁿ-sin chim yi ê hia̍h-thâu. I khòaⁿ khí-lâi hi koh lāu, hō͘ góa khí kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Góa hoat-hiān, góa tùi Pa ê liáu-kái chha-put-to hām tùi Ma ê liáu-kái pêⁿ chió.
Ma ǹg i chhiò-chhiò. "Góa bô tāi-chì."
Yi oa̍t ǹg góa, iáu sī chhiò-chhiò. "Góa chai lí tio̍h tńg-khì ha̍k-hāu." Yi ê siaⁿ chin sè, hō͘ khan kàu sin-khu ê ki-khì siaⁿ chhá kah thiaⁿ bē chin. "Kín khì, bián hoân-ló góa. Che m̄-sī siáⁿ tōa tāi-chì. Tī ha̍k-hāu hó-hó piáu-hiān."
Góa chhun-chhiú khì bong yi ê chhiú, in-ūi góa siūⁿ kóng góa tio̍h án-ne chò. Góa hòng-sim ah. Góa í-keng teh siūⁿ tńg khì ê pan-ki, siūⁿ California ê bêng-lóng ji̍t-kng.
Yi kap Pa kóng kúi-kù sè-siaⁿ ōe. I tìm-thâu, lī-khui pâng-keng.
"Jack, ká-sú..." yi hiông-hiông khí chi̍t-chūn sàu, bô hoat-tō͘ kóng-ōe. "Góa nā kham bē kòe, lí bián siong-sim, phah-pháiⁿ sin-thé. Hó-hó seng-oa̍h. Kā lâu-kông hit-ê a̍p-á siu hó, ta̍k-nî Chheng-bêng, kā the̍h chhut-lâi, kì-liām góa. Góa ē it-ti̍t pôe-phōaⁿ lí."
Chheng-bêng sī China-lâng kì-liām sí-lâng ê cheh-ji̍t. Góa iáu sè-hàn ê sî, Ma ē tī Chheng-bêng siá phe hō͘ yi tī China sí-khì ê pē-bú, kóng kòe-khì chi̍t-nî yi tī Bí-kok seng-oa̍h ê hó siau-sit. Yi ē tōa siaⁿ tha̍k phe hō͘ góa thiaⁿ, góa nā ū siáⁿ ì-kiàn, yi mā ē kā he siá tī phe nih. Jiân-āu, yi ē kā phe áu chò chi̍t-chiah ho̍h, ǹg sai pàng i poe. Án-ne, goán tō ē khòaⁿ tio̍h ho̍h, hop i he khin-khoài ê si̍t-kó͘, hiòng sai poe khì, hiòng Thài-pêng Iûⁿ, hiòng China, hiòng Ma ê ka-cho̍k ê bōng.
Siōng bóe-kái góa kap yi án-ne chò, í-keng sī chin chē nî í-chêng ah lah.
"China ê lông-le̍k góa siáⁿ to m̄-chai," góa kóng. "Hioh-khùn lah, Ma."
"Kan-ta kā a̍p-á chah tio̍h, ū-sî phah-khui tō ē-sái ah. Kan-ta phah-khui..." yi iū-koh teh sàu.
"Bô tāi-chì lah, Ma." góa chhâ-chhâ phok yi ê chhiú-kut.
"Haizi, mama ai ni..." Yi iū-koh sàu bē soah. Kúi-nî chêng ê chi̍t-ê ōe-bīn siám tī góa ê kì-tî: Ma ná kóng ai, ná kā chhiú bong tī sim-koaⁿ.
"Hó lah, Ma. Mài koh kóng ah."
Pa tńg-lâi, góa kóng góa tio̍h khah chá khì ki-tiûⁿ, bián-tit bē-hù pan-ki.
Yi sí khì ê sî, góa ê hui-ki tī Nevada khong-tiong bó͘ chi̍t-ê só͘-chāi.
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4. 她 ê 腔口予我真礙虐
Pa 買予我規套 ê Star Wars 會動 ê 模型. 我 kā Obi-Wan Kenobi 予 Mark.
我 kā 紙動物仔裝 tī 一个鞋盒仔, kā 囥 tī 眠床跤.
隔工早起, chiah-ê 動物仔走出來, 出現 tī 過去 in tī 房間上佮意 ê 所在. 我 kā in 攏掠起來, kā 囥入鞋盒, kā 蓋 kō͘ 膠布黏絚. 毋過, 動物仔 tī 盒仔 nih 枵飽吵, 落尾我 kā 塞去樓栱 ê 角落, 離我 ê 房間 lú 遠 lú 好.
Ma 若 kap 我講 China 話, 我 tō 毋 kā 應. 過一段時間, 她開始使用較濟英語. 毋過她講 ê 腔口 kap 無完整 ê 話句予我真礙虐. 我想欲 kā 改正. 落尾, tī 我面前, 她完全無愛講話.
若有啥物件需要予我知, Ma 開始 kō͘ 比 ê. 她試 kō͘ tī TV 看著 ê 美國老母 ê 方式攬我. 我感覺她 ê 動作 siuⁿ 假, 無自然, 譀古, 無氣質. 她看我無佮意 án-ne, tō 無 koh 做.
"你毋通 án-ne 對待恁老母," Pa 講. 毋過 án-ne 講 ê 時, 伊毋敢看我 ê 目睭. Tī 伊 ê 心肝, 伊定著意識著, 想欲娶一个 China 庄跤姑娘, 期望她會適應 Connecticut 郊區, 這是一个錯誤.
Ma 學煮美國菜. 我耍電動, 學 Franse 語.
有時仔, 我看著她 tī 灶跤桌仔研究包裝紙 ê 內底面. 然後, 一隻新 ê 拗紙動物 tō 出現 tī 我 ê 床邊櫃, 想欲倚近我. 我 kā 掠過來, kā 捏, 一直到 in 消風, tō kā 櫼 tī 樓栱 ê 盒仔 nih.
我讀高中 ê 時, Ma 總算無 koh 做動物 ah. 彼時, 她 ê 英語已經加真好, 毋過我已經到彼个年紀, 無興趣所有她講 ê 話, 毋管 kō͘ 啥物語言.
有時, 轉到厝, 看她彼細細身軀 tī 灶跤無閒 chhih-chhih, 家治 ná 唱 China 歌, 我無法度相信, 是她生我. 阮無相仝 ê 所在. 她 mā 有可能是月球來 ê. 我 tō 緊緊轉我 ê 房間, tī hia 我會當繼續追求全美國式 ê 幸福.
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Pa 和我徛 tī 倒 tī 病床 ê Ma ê 兩爿. 她猶未 40 歲, 毋過看著加真老.
幾年來, 她一直毋去予醫生看她體內 ê 疼痛, 她講彼毋是啥大代誌. 毋過, 等落尾救護車來載 ê 時, 癌已經湠 kah 超過手術 ê 範圍.
我 ê 心肝無 tī 房間. 彼時是企業來大學招人 ê 季節, 我注心 tī 簡歷, 成績單, 安排面談時間 ê 策略. 我按算欲按怎較會當 hó͘-lān 企業來 ê 招募人員, 予 in 願意出價買我. 我明白, tī 老母倒 tī 病床欲死 ê 這時, 思考 chiah-ê 是無應該. 毋過, 彼个明白並無改變我 ê 想法.
她猶有意識. Pa kō͘ 雙手捏她 ê 倒手. 伊 àⁿ 身唚她 ê 額頭. 伊看起來虛 koh 老, 予我起驚惶. 我發現, 我對 Pa ê 了解差不多和對 Ma ê 了解平少.
Ma ǹg 伊笑笑. "我無代誌."
她越 ǹg 我, 猶是笑笑. "我知你著轉去學校." 她 ê 聲真細, 予牽到身軀 ê 機器聲吵 kah 聽袂真. "緊去, 免煩惱我. 這毋是啥大代誌. Tī 學校好好表現."
我伸手去摸她 ê 手, 因為我想講我著 án-ne 做. 我放心 ah. 我已經 teh 想轉去 ê 班機, 想 California ê 明朗日光.
Yi kap Pa 講幾句細聲話. 伊頕頭, 離開房間.
"Jack, 假使..." 她雄雄起一陣嗽, 無法度講話. "我若堪袂過, 你免傷心, 拍歹身體. 好好生活. Kā 樓栱彼个盒仔收好, 逐年清明, kā 提出來, 紀念我. 我會一直陪伴你."
清明是 China 人紀念死人 ê 節日. 我猶細漢 ê 時, Ma 會 tī 清明寫批予她 tī China 死去 ê 爸母, 講過去一年她 tī 美國生活 ê 好消息. 她會大聲讀批予我聽, 我若有啥意見, 她 mā 會 kā 彼寫 tī 批 nih. 然後, 她會 kā 批拗做一隻鶴, ǹg 西放伊飛. Án-ne, 阮 tō 會看著鶴, hop 伊彼輕快 ê 翼股, 向西飛去, 向太平洋, 向 China, 向 Ma ê 家族 ê 墓.
上尾改我 kap 她 án-ne 做, 已經是真濟年以前 ah lah.
"China ê 農曆我啥 to 毋知," 我講. "歇睏 lah, Ma."
"干焦 kā 盒仔扎著, 有時拍開 tō 會使 ah. 干焦拍開..." 她又閣 teh 嗽.
"無代誌 lah, Ma." 我柴柴撲她 ê 手骨.
"Haizi, mama ai ni..." 她又閣嗽袂煞. 幾年前 ê 一个畫面閃 tī 我 ê 記持: Ma ná 講 ai, ná kā 手摸 tī 心肝.
"好 lah, Ma. 莫 koh 講 ah."
Pa 轉來, 我講我著較早去機場, 免得袂赴班機.
她死去 ê 時, 我 ê 飛機 tī Nevada 空中某一个所在.
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4.
Dad bought me a full set of Star Wars action figures. I gave the Obi-Wan Kenobi to Mark.
I packed the paper menagerie in a large shoebox and put it under the bed.
The next morning, the animals had escaped and took over their old favorite spots in my room. I caught them all and put them back into the shoebox, taping the lid shut. But the animals made so much noise in the box that I finally shoved it into the corner of the attic as far away from my room as possible.
If Mom spoke to me in Chinese, I refused to answer her. After a while, she tried to use more English. But her accent and broken sentences embarrassed me. I tried to correct her. Eventually, she stopped speaking altogether if I were around.
Mom began to mime things if she needed to let me know something. She tried to hug me the way she saw American mothers did on TV. I thought her movements exaggerated, uncertain, ridiculous, graceless. She saw that I was annoyed, and stopped.
"You shouldn't treat your mother that way," Dad said. But he couldn't look me in the eyes as he said it. Deep in his heart, he must have realized that it was a mistake to have tried to take a Chinese peasant girl and expect her to fit in the suburbs of Connecticut.
Mom learned to cook American style. I played video games and studied French.
Every once in a while, I would see her at the kitchen table studying the plain side of a sheet of wrapping paper. Later a new paper animal would appear on my nightstand and try to cuddle up to me. I caught them, squeezed them until the air went out of them, and then stuffed them away in the box in the attic.
Mom finally stopped making the animals when I was in high school. By then her English was much better, but I was already at that age when I wasn't interested in what she had to say whatever language she used.
Sometimes, when I came home and saw her tiny body busily moving about in the kitchen, singing a song in Chinese to herself, it was hard for me to believe that she gave birth to me. We had nothing in common. She might as well be from the moon. I would hurry on to my room, where I could continue my all-American pursuit of happiness.
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Dad and I stood, one on each side of Mom, lying on the hospital bed. She was not yet even forty, but she looked much older.
For years she had refused to go to the doctor for the pain inside her that she said was no big deal. By the time an ambulance finally carried her in, the cancer had spread far beyond the limits of surgery.
My mind was not in the room. It was the middle of the on-campus recruiting season, and I was focused on resumes, transcripts, and strategically constructed interview schedules. I schemed about how to lie to the corporate recruiters most effectively so that they'll offer to buy me. I understood intellectually that it was terrible to think about this while your mother lay dying. But that understanding didn't mean I could change how I felt.
She was conscious. Dad held her left hand with both of his own. He leaned down to kiss her forehead. He seemed weak and old in a way that startled me. I realized that I knew almost as little about Dad as I did about Mom.
Mom smiled at him. "I'm fine."
She turned to me, still smiling. "I know you have to go back to school." Her voice was very weak and it was difficult to hear her over the hum of the machines hooked up to her. "Go. Don't worry about me. This is not a big deal. Just do well in school."
I reached out to touch her hand, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was relieved. I was already thinking about the flight back, and the bright California sunshine.
She whispered something to Dad. He nodded and left the room.
"Jack, if — " she was caught up in a fit of coughing, and could not speak for some time. "If I don't make it, don't be too sad and hurt your health. Focus on your life. Just keep that box you have in the attic with you, and every year, at Qingming, just take it out and think about me. I'll be with you always."
Qingming was the Chinese Festival for the Dead. When I was very young, Mom used to write a letter on Qingming to her dead parents back in China, telling them the good news about the past year of her life in America. She would read the letter out loud to me, and if I made a comment about something, she would write it down in the letter too. Then she would fold the letter into a paper crane, and release it, facing west. We would then watch, as the crane flapped its crisp wings on its long journey west, towards the Pacific, towards China, towards the graves of Mom's family.
It had been many years since I last did that with her.
"I don't know anything about the Chinese calendar," I said. "Just rest, Mom. "
"Just keep the box with you and open it once in a while. Just open — " she began to cough again.
"It's okay, Mom." I stroked her arm awkwardly.
"Haizi, mama ai ni — " Her cough took over again. An image from years ago flashed into my memory: Mom saying ai and then putting her hand over her heart.
"Alright, Mom. Stop talking."
Dad came back, and I said that I needed to get to the airport early because I didn't want to miss my flight.
She died when my plane was somewhere over Nevada.
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