7. Góa boeh kā chim thàu-thàu
... I pàng chin khin-sang, ke-ke kiám-kiám, i siang-kha chhun-chhun, siang-kha hiòng gōa, m̄-koh tng i kám-kak góa ê chhùi-tûn tī kha-té ê sî, i ê sin-khu bán-ân, kā kha-té chhoah khui, góa tio̍h kā lia̍h-tio̍h koh kā giú tńg-lâi. Hia i mā kiaⁿ-ngiau, bô-ài lâng kha̍p hia. Che sī chá-chêng tō ōe ê chi̍t-tiâu sòaⁿ, hit-sî hián-sī, tī seks hong-bīn góa khah mō͘-chìn, hèng khah chē mi̍h-kiāⁿ; i chhiò-chhiò kóng: góa hi-bāng lí mài pìⁿ he, he chiâⁿ thái-ko, góa bô-ài lí chhòng he. Che sī goán bô-kāng ê só͘-chāi, hō͘ góa bē-sóng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ khah chió, tùi ū-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ góa ū khó-lêng bô iàu-ì, m̄-koh ūi tio̍h góa ê phōaⁿ-lū, góa iáu-sī goān-ì chhì. Góa ioh, he khó-lêng tō sī taⁿ i só͘ chò ê, tán i koh hō͘ góa kā i ê kha khiú tńg-lâi, siang-chhiú kā tēⁿ tio̍h, koh khì chim he kha-té, kha keng (arch), kha chéng-thâu-á té ê bah-thiap, chi̍t-ki chi̍t-ki, koh-lâi tō sī kha chéng-thâu-á pún-sin. Lí teh chhòng-siáⁿ ah, i kóng, góa bô hoat-tō͘ ìn, góa mā m̄-chai góa sī teh chhòng-siáⁿ, góa kan-ta sī koh siang-chhiú lia̍h i ê iáu chi̍t-ki kha, tiông-ho̍k tú-chiah góa tùi tē-it ki kha só͘ chò ê tōng-chok. Taⁿ góa bān-bān chò, pō͘-tiāu piàn ah; góa bô-ài pìⁿ kah i chhiò ah, góa m̄-chai góa boeh ài i án-nóa kám-kak. Koh-lâi, góa chim i ê kha-ba̍k, chim saⁿ ê ūi, ùi gōa-bīn hiòng lāi, ùi chiàⁿ-pêng hiòng tò-pêng, seng chim chiàⁿ-kha, chim tò-kha ê sî kái chò ùi tò-pêng hiòng chiàⁿ-pêng, pó-chhî góa ê hêng-sek. "Skups," R. kóng, che sī i mn̄g būn-tê ê hong-sek, i kiò góa a̍h sī goán hō͘-siong ê chheng-ho͘, che sī Bulgaria-gí ê ài-chheng. M̄-koh góa bô ìn, góa koh chò chi̍t-lûn hiah-ê kiss, pí thâu-chêng hiah-ê khah koân chi̍t-kóa, jiân-āu koh chi̍t-lûn; góa boeh kā chim thàu-thàu, góa tō sī boeh án-ne chò, góa ē kè-sio̍k chò, sui-bóng góa kám-kak tio̍h R. teh bô nāi-hoân, sui-bóng i koh kóng chi̍t-pái "Skups," jiân-āu, bián ké-sian, he sī i teh kéng-kò mài hiah to-chêng, kiò góa mài siuⁿ tāng kám-chêng. Góa bô chhap i, koh hiòng koân chi̍t inch. Góa ì-sek tio̍h, che tio̍h chiâⁿ tn̂g ê sî-kan; lí sióng-siōng chit-khoán tāi-chì ê sî, lí bē siūⁿ tio̍h he tio̍h gōa chē sî-kan, sin-khu sī gōa tōa, nn̄g-phìⁿ chhùi-tûn sī gōa sè. M̄-koh góa boeh chò, góa koat-tēng, góa ê sim-koaⁿ bô teh kóaⁿ, góa tîm-chùi tī chi̍t-chióng kî-koài ê nāi-sim lāi-té. Góa iân-lō͘ chim i, i ê kha-tó͘, kha-thâu-u, tōa-thúi, tiong-ng ê bah khah ân, siang-pêng ê bah khah nńg. Hiah-ê sī góa í-chêng m̄-bat bak kòe ê só͘-chāi, ū-ê só͘-chāi, án-ne hō͘ chit-ê sî-khek ū tiōng-le̍k, khah chē tiōng-le̍k; góa ná chim ná sè-siaⁿ kóng góa ài lí, koh chim nn̄g-ē liáu-āu góa iū-koh kóng, án-ne chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê sin ê hong-sek, chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái khin-siaⁿ kóng. Góa chim kàu-ūi ê sî, i ê ko̍k-ke nńg-nńg, góa ê mā án-ne, che sī kàu hit sî-chūn góa chiah chù-ì tio̍h. Góa kiông-boeh làng kòe hia, ná chim i chiàⁿ-pêng tōa-thúi ê téng-chat, koh-lâi boeh chim tò-pêng, m̄-koh góa bô kā làng kòe, góa mā ū kā chim, kap góa chim i ê pa̍t-ūi kāng-khoán, koh kóng-chhut hiah-ê ōe, taⁿ í-keng lú kóng lú chin. It-poaⁿ lâi kóng, ōe sī lú kóng lú ui, piàn kah bô te̍k-sek, piàn chhàu-phú, góa it-chài kā R. kóng ê ōe mā sī án-ne; sīm-chì tī goán iáu chiah-nī sin ê koan-hē tiong-kan, chiah-ê ōe mā í-keng sit khì in ê kháu-bī. Góa ē-kì-tit góa tē-it pái kā i kóng chiah-ê ōe ê sî só͘ kám-kak tio̍h ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, he sī tī kúi lé-pài í-chêng, hit-sî chiah-ê ōe iáu ū in ê le̍k-liōng; chin ê, nā kóng chiah-ê ōe bô tit-tio̍h hôe-tap hō͘ góa tio̍h-kiaⁿ (bô, tio̍h kòe kúi-ā kang i chiah ē tiông-ho̍k chiah-ê ōe), put-jû kóng góa khióng-kiaⁿ i ē hō͘ chiah-ê ōe heh cháu, i ē ná-chhiūⁿ góa kám-kak i sī iá-seng sió tōng-bu̍t án-ne tio̍h chheⁿ-kiaⁿ. M̄-koh taⁿ goán chhiâng-chāi án-ne kóng, tī goán lī-khui koh sio-kìⁿ ê sî (sīm-chì kan-ta boeh lī-khui pâng-keng, hun-khui bô kúi hun-cheng). M̄-koh tiông-ho̍k chiah-ê ōe taⁿ bē hō͘ in piàn chhàu-sng, tian-tò hō͘ goán chù-ì in, hō͘ in khí chok-iōng, hō͘ in koh chhut-hiān, hō͘ in khah khùn-lân koh kóng; góa hoat-hiān góa kiông-boeh bô hoat-tō͘ kóng chhut, tī R. tiām-tiām ê sî tùi i kóng sè-siaⁿ ōe, ná chim i pak-tó͘ ê nńg bah, i pín-á kut téng khah kiat-si̍t ê bah, i ê leng-thâu, i heng-chêng ê hit-chhok mo͘, i ê heng-kòa kut, i khì-kńg piⁿ peⁿ-ân ê phôe-hu. I ê chhiú-kut iáu sī gia̍h koân, m̄-koh i áu oan chhiú-khiau, chhiú ē-chat khòe tī bīn téng-koân. Góa koh chim i ê kòe-lâng kha, i hiàn chhut ê chhiú-kut ē-té bīn, koh-lâi (taⁿ góa sī kūi tio̍h, góa ê kha-thâu-u tī i ê nn̄g-pêng) góa siang-chhiú lia̍h i ê chhiú-kut lī-khui i ê bīn. I tī hit-tōaⁿ sî-kan bô chhut chi̍t-ê siaⁿ, tī hit 15-20 hun-cheng hō͘ góa pìⁿ i ê sin-khu, chū-chiông chit-mn̄g góa ê miâ, góa bô chhap i hit-ê kéng-kò í-lâi; i ê chhoán-khùi bô jīm-hô piàn-hòa, a̍h sī kóng, góa bô chù-ì tio̍h, só͘-í góa kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê bīn ū ba̍k-sái, nn̄g-chōa lâu kàu hīⁿ-á, i bô kā chhit tiāu. Góa sóa i ê chhiú-kut ê sî, i bô chhì boeh cha̍h in, a̍h chhì boeh kā bīn sió se̍h chi̍t-ē, ká-ná bô-ài góa sio tùi-siòng (sui-bóng i ê ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh, bô siáⁿ thang tùi siòng). Góa tòng-tiām chi̍t-ē, siūⁿ boeh kóng siáⁿ, boeh mn̄g i lâu ba̍k-sái ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h, m̄-koh góa chai, he sī ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h, só͘-í góa àⁿ tī i téng-bīn chi̍t-khùn, chiah koh kè-sio̍k chim i, chim i ê ē-hâi, chhùi-ē-tàu, i ê chhùi-phé, chhùi-tûn, i ê chhùi-tûn bô hoán-èng, kan-ta koai-koai hō͘ góa chim, góa chim i ê hīⁿ-á, ba̍k-sái ê jiah, i ê ba̍k-chiu. Che sī tùi i, tùi i ê sin-khu ê chi̍t-chióng piáu-sī, góa ài lí, góa chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái khin-siaⁿ kā kóng. Āu-lâi, tán góa tī i ê hia̍h-thâu khǹg lo̍h chòe-āu chi̍t-chōa -- góa siūⁿ, he sī hoe-khoân, góa kā i kat chi̍t-ê hoe-khoân -- Lí siōng súi, góa kā i kóng, lí sī góa ê súi gín-á, i gia̍h-khí i ê chhiú-kut, kā góa giú lo̍h-khì teh tī i téng-bīn, ân-ân kā góa lám tio̍h. Lí chiah sī, i khin-siaⁿ kā góa kóng, lí sī, lí chiah sī.
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7. 我欲 kā 唚透透
... 伊放真輕鬆, 加加減減, 伊雙跤伸伸, 雙跤向外, 毋過 tng 伊感覺我 ê 喙唇 tī 跤底 ê 時, 伊 ê 身軀挽絚, kā 跤底掣開, 我著 kā 掠著 koh kā 搝轉來. 遐伊 mā 驚 ngiau, 無愛人磕遐. 這是早前 tō 畫 ê 一條線, 彼時顯示, tī seks 方面我較冒進, 興較濟物件; 伊笑笑講: 我希望你莫 pìⁿ 彼, 彼誠癩哥, 我無愛你創彼. 這是阮無仝 ê 所在, 予我袂爽 ê 物件較少, 對有 ê 物件我有可能無要意, 毋過為著我 ê 伴侶, 我猶是願意試. 我臆, 彼可能就是今伊所做 ê, 等伊 koh 予我 kā 伊 ê 跤搝轉來, 雙手 kā 捏著, koh 去唚彼跤底, 跤弓 (arch), 跤指頭仔底 ê 肉跕, 一支一支, 閣來就是跤指頭仔本身. 你 teh 創啥 ah, 伊講, 我無法度應, 我 mā 毋知我是 teh 創啥, 我干焦是 koh 雙手掠伊 ê 猶一支跤, 重複拄才我對第一支跤所做 ê 動作. 今我慢慢做, 步調變 ah; 我無愛 pìⁿ 甲伊笑 ah, 我毋知我欲愛伊按怎感覺. 閣來, 我唚伊 ê 跤目, 唚三个位, ùi 外面向內, ùi 正爿向倒爿, 先唚正跤, 唚倒跤 ê 時改做 ùi 倒爿向正爿, 保持我 ê 形式. "Skups," R. 講, 這是伊問問題 ê 方式, 伊叫我 a̍h 是阮互相 ê 稱呼, 這是 Bulgaria 語 ê 愛稱. 毋過我無應, 我 koh 做一輪 hiah-ê kiss, 比頭前 hiah-ê 較懸一寡, 然後 koh 一輪; 我欲 kā 唚透透, 我就是欲 án-ne 做, 我會繼續做, 雖罔我感覺著 R. teh 無耐煩, 雖罔伊 koh 講一擺 "Skups," 然後, 免假仙, 彼是伊 teh 警告莫 hiah 多情, 叫我莫 siuⁿ 重感情. 我無 chhap 伊, koh 向懸一 inch. 我意識著, 這著誠長 ê 時間; 你想像這款代誌 ê 時, 你袂想著彼著偌濟時間, 身軀是偌大, 兩片喙唇是偌細. 毋過我欲做, 我決定, 我 ê 心肝無 teh 趕, 我沉醉 tī 一種奇怪 ê 耐心內底. 我沿路唚伊, 伊 ê 跤肚, 跤頭趺, 大腿, 中央 ê 肉較絚, 雙爿 ê 肉較軟. Hiah-ê 是我以前毋捌沐過 ê 所在, 有 ê 所在, án-ne 予這个時刻有重力, 較濟重力; 我 ná 唚 ná 細聲講我愛你, koh 唚兩下了後我又閣講, án-ne 成做一个新 ê 方式, 一改 koh 一改輕聲講. 我唚到位 ê 時, 伊 ê 咯雞軟軟, 我 ê mā án-ne, 這是到彼時陣我才注意著. 我強欲閬過遐, ná 唚伊正爿大腿 ê 頂節, 閣來欲唚倒爿, 毋過我無 kā 閬過, 我 mā 有 kā 唚, kap 我唚伊 ê 別位仝款, koh 講出 hiah-ê 話, 今已經 lú 講 lú 真. 一般來講, 話是 lú 講 lú ui, 變甲無特色, 變臭殕, 我一再 kā R. 講 ê 話 mā 是 án-ne; 甚至 tī 阮猶 chiah-nī 新 ê 關係中間, chiah-ê 話 mā 已經失去 in ê 口味. 我會記得我第一擺 kā 伊講 chiah-ê 話 ê 時所感覺著 ê 驚惶, 彼是 tī 幾禮拜以前, 彼時 chiah-ê 話猶有 in ê 力量; 真 ê, 若講 chiah-ê 話無得著回答予我著驚 (無, 著過幾若工伊才會重複 chiah-ê 話), 不如講我恐驚伊會予 chiah-ê 話嚇走, 伊會 ná 像我感覺伊是野生小動物 án-ne 著生驚. 毋過今阮常在 án-ne 講, tī 阮離開 koh 相見 ê 時 (甚至干焦欲離開房間, 分開無幾分鐘). 毋過重複 chiah-ê 話今袂予 in 變臭酸, 顛倒予阮注意 in, 予 in 起作用, 予 in koh 出現, 予 in 較困難 koh 講; 我發現我強欲無法度講出, tī R. 恬恬 ê 時對伊講細聲話, ná 唚伊腹肚 ê 軟肉, 伊箅仔骨頂較結實 ê 肉, 伊 ê 奶頭, 伊胸前 ê 彼簇毛, 伊 ê 胸掛骨, 伊氣管邊繃絚 ê 皮膚. 伊 ê 手骨猶是攑懸, 毋過伊拗彎手曲, 手下節蹶 tī 面頂懸. 我 koh 唚伊 ê 過人跤, 伊現出 ê 手骨下底面, 閣來 (今我是跪著, 我 ê 跤頭趺 tī 伊 ê 兩爿) 我雙手掠伊 ê 手骨離開伊 ê 面. 伊 tī 彼段時間無出一个聲, tī 彼 15-20 分鐘予我 pìⁿ 伊 ê 身軀, 自從質問我 ê 名, 我無 chhap 伊彼个警告以來; 伊 ê 喘氣無任何變化, a̍h 是講, 我無注意著, 所以我驚一趒看著伊 ê 面有目屎, 兩逝流到耳仔, 伊無 kā 拭掉. 我徙伊 ê 手骨 ê 時, 伊無試欲閘 in, a̍h 試欲 kā 面小踅一下, ká-ná 無愛我 sio 對相 (雖罔伊 ê 目睭瞌瞌, 無啥通對相). 我擋恬一下, 想欲講啥, 欲問伊流目屎為啥物, 毋過我知, 彼是為啥物, 所以我 àⁿ tī 伊頂面一睏, 才 koh 繼續唚伊, 唚伊 ê 下頦, 喙下斗, 伊 ê 喙䫌, 喙唇, 伊 ê 喙唇無反應, 干焦乖乖予我唚, 我唚伊 ê 耳仔, 目屎 ê 跡, 伊 ê 目睭. 這是對伊, 對伊 ê 身軀 ê 一種表示, 我愛你, 我一改 koh 一改輕聲 kā 講. 後來, 等我 tī 伊 ê 額頭囥落最後一逝 -- 我想, 彼是花環, 我 kā 伊結一个花環 -- 你上媠, 我 kā 伊講, 你是我 ê 媠囡仔, 伊攑起伊 ê 手骨, kā 我搝落去硩 tī 伊頂面, 絚絚 kā 我攬著. 你才是, 伊輕聲 kā 我講, 你是, 你才是.
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7.
... He was relaxed, more or less, his legs were outstretched, his feet splayed to either side, but his whole body tensed when he felt my lips on the sole of his foot, which he snatched away, I had to grab it and pull it back. He was ticklish there, too, he didn’t like to be touched there. It had been a line drawn early on, when it became clear I was more adventurous in sex, had a wider palette of things that turned me on; I hope you’re not into that, he had said, laughing, it’s gross, I don’t want you to be into that. It was a difference between us, that fewer things put me off, that I could be indifferent to something and still indulge it for my partner’s sake. That was what he did now, I guess, when he let me pull his foot back to me, holding it in both hands as I kissed the sole again, the arch and then the pads at the base of his toes, each of them, and then the toes themselves. What are you doing, he said, and I couldn’t answer, I wasn’t sure what I was doing as I took the other foot in my hands and repeated what I had done with the first. I was moving slowly now, the tone had changed; I didn’t want to make him laugh anymore, I didn’t know what I wanted him to feel. I kissed his ankles next, at three points, moving from the outside in, from right to left on his right leg, from left to right on his left, which would remain my pattern. Skups, R. said, a question in the way he said it, his name for me or our name for each other, a play on a Bulgarian endearment. But I didn’t answer, I made another band of these kisses, slightly higher than the first, and then another; I would cover him in kisses, that was what I wanted to do, and I would do it even though I could feel R.’s impatience, even as he said again Skups, and then, don’t be cheesy, which was his warning against too much affection, against my surfeit of feeling. I ignored it, moving up another inch. It would take a long time, I realized; when you imagine something like that you don’t think about how long it will take, how large a body is, how small a pair of lips. But I would do it, I decided, a kind of unhurriedness opened up in me, a weird wide patience I sank into. I strung kisses across him, his calves and knees, his thighs, the flesh firm in the center and giving at the sides. They were places I had never touched before, some of them, and this gave gravity to the moment, more gravity; I whispered I love you as I kissed him, and then two kisses later I whispered it again, which became a new pattern, to whisper it again and again. His cock was soft when I reached it, as mine was, I hadn’t noticed it until then. I almost passed over it, kissing his upper thigh on the right and then the left, but I didn’t skip it, I kissed it, too, as I had kissed the rest of him, and said again the words that somehow became more real with repetition. Usually words wear out the more you use them, they become featureless, rote, and more than any others this is true of the words I repeated to R.; even in our relationship that was still so new they had lost most of their flavor. I remembered the fear I had felt the first time I spoke them to him, weeks before, when they had had all their force; I had been terrified, really, not so much that they wouldn’t be answered (they weren’t, it would be days before he repeated them) as that they would scare him away, that he would startle like the wild thing I sometimes felt he was. But now we said them often, when we left each other and were reunited (even if it was only a room we left, only minutes we were separated). But repeating the words now didn’t dull them, it called them to attention somehow, to service, it restored them, so that they became difficult to say again; I found myself almost unable to speak as I whispered into R.’s silence, kissing the soft flesh of his stomach, the firmer flesh over his ribs, his nipples and the patch of hair at the center of his chest, his collarbone, the taut skin at his windpipe. His arms were still raised but he had folded them at the elbow, crossing his forearms over his face. I kissed his armpits again, the exposed undersides of his arms, and then (I was kneeling now, my knees on either side of him) I took his arms in my hands and moved them away from his face. He hadn’t uttered a sound in all that time, the fifteen or twenty minutes it had taken me to make my way up his body, not since the interrogative of my name, the admonition I ignored; there hadn’t been any change in his breath, or none I had noticed, and so I was surprised to see the tears on his face, two lines that fell toward his ears, he hadn’t wiped them away. He didn’t try to hide them when I moved his arm, or tried only by turning his face slightly, as if he didn’t want to meet my gaze (though his eyes were shut, there was no gaze to meet). I paused a moment, wanting to speak, to ask him what they were for, his tears, but I knew what they were for, and so I hung over him a moment before I continued kissing him, the line of his jaw, his chin, his cheek and lips, which didn’t answer mine, which suffered themselves to be kissed, his ears, the tracks of his tears, his eyes. It was a kind of blazon of him, of his body, I love you, I whispered again and again to him. And then, when I had laid the last line across his forehead—a garland, I thought, I had garlanded him—You are the most beautiful, I said to him, you are my beautiful boy, and he reached his arms up and pulled me down on top of him, clutching me tightly. You are, he whispered to me, you are, you are.
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