6. 明仔載伊著轉去

6. Bîn-á-chài i tio̍h tńg-khì

Thâu-khí-seng góa boeh lāng i chhiò, góa kā he tòng-chò chi̍t-ê chhiò-ōe. Goán su-iàu chhiò: Tī Italia hiah-ê ji̍t-chí liáu-āu, chin kan-khó͘ koh tńg lâi Sofia, seh lo̍h koh khah chē ah, goán kàu ê sî siâⁿ-chhī iū piàn-chò àm-phú, ká-kî kòe khì ah, lō͘ siōng ê chhia āu-lián ká chhut o͘-sek ê seh-kô͘. Taⁿ sī i siōng bóe àm tòa tī góa ê kong-gū; bîn-á chá-khí i tio̍h khêng i ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, tńg khì Studenski tāi-ha̍k siâⁿ, in pêng-iú bîn-á ē-po͘ tō ē kàu-ūi. Goán tō ē tńg kàu goán bô-khak-tēng ê an-pâi, e-mail a̍h iok-hōe i lóng ū khó-lêng tī chòe-āu chi̍t-khek chhú-siau, sīm-chì kin-pún bô thong-ti, chōng-hóng tō sī án-ne, bē chham-siông tit. I kóng, i thó-ià án-ne, i bô-ài tńg khì chhàng khí-lâi, kui-ji̍t i ê áu-ut lú tāng koh lú àm, sū-sū lóng kám-jiám tio̍h, kàu àm-sî, i chha-put-to bē kóng-ōe, i í-keng chhiūⁿ ū sî-chūn án-ne kui-sin kiu-kiu; góa bô hoat-tō͘ chiap-kīn i, kin-pún bô i ê hoat. Goán sio keh-piah chē phòng-í khòaⁿ chi̍t-chhut tiān-iáⁿ, góa bē-kì-tit he sī siáⁿ tiān-iáⁿ, sī khin-sang, romantik ê tiān-iáⁿ, m̄-koh i chha-put-to bô chhiò. Goán m̄-bat chò-hóe chin-chiàⁿ khòaⁿ tiān-iáⁿ, he chóng-sī chi̍t-ê chioh-kháu, goán ē tī hia sio-chim, hō͘-siong bong lâi bong khì, jiân-āu bē-kì-tit tiān-iáⁿ ián siáⁿ, m̄-koh taⁿ góa ē-tàng chò ê tō sī án-ne, hō͘ i kā góa chim tò-tńg lâi. Lo̍h-bóe, i hō͘ góa kā ùi phòng-í khiú khí-lâi, góa kā tiān-náu koaiⁿ tiāu, pòaⁿ thoa pòaⁿ tháⁿ kā chhōa kàu khùn-pâng. Kàu hia i khah bô hoán-khòng, khiā tī chhn̂g piⁿ, i chhùi khui--khui, hō͘ góa kā i khiú óa, kō͘ góa ê kut-pôaⁿ kēng i ê. I gia̍h chhiú hō͘ góa kā i ê shirts /siat-chuh/ liù koân, thǹg tiāu, góa kám-kak khì-hun í-keng khí piàn-hòa, i ê pī-tōng ká-ná piàn-chò chi̍t-chióng iû-hì, i pī-tōng, góa kian-chhî, góa pak i ê io-tòa khian-á, tháu i ê gû-á-khò͘ ê liú-á; góa chim i, í-keng kám-kak i teh chhiò, i mā kō͘ chim lâi hôe-èng, i ê chi̍h kā góa ê tū ân-ân. Góa kā i ê gû-á-khò͘ kap lāi-khò͘ liù lo̍h, góa chiām-thêng sio-chim, kūi-lo̍h liù hit nn̄g-niá khò͘ kàu i ê kha-ba̍k, hō͘ i khiu kha chhut-lâi, ná chim i ê ko̍k-ke, he iáu nńg-nńg, góa ê tú-tú koh ngē khí-lâi. I sóa-tāng lâi chim góa, m̄-koh góa àⁿ khui, koh kā sak khui, khin-khin-á, i ē-sái té-khòng, m̄-koh i bô, i hiòng āu tó lo̍h bîn-chhn̂g. Chiūⁿ goán ê bîn-chhn̂g, góa án-ne siūⁿ, chit kúi-kang lâi tāi-chì piàn chiâⁿ án-ne, chia m̄-sī ko͘-toaⁿ ê só͘-chāi, jî-sī sio̍k-tī goán nn̄g-lâng ê só͘-chāi, chi̍t-ê chhiong-móa ài ê só͘-chāi; chit-chiong tāi-chì góa kan-ta ē-tàng siūⁿ tī sim, bē-tàng tōa-siaⁿ kóng chhut. Góa kín-kín thǹg tiāu ka-tī ê saⁿ-khò͘, koh peh khí-lih siàng tī i téng-bīn, hāi i kiu chi̍t-ē soah khí ài-chhiò, kan-ta chi̍t-ē-á, ká-ná m̄-sī i ê pún-ì. Góa kō͘ siang-chhiú theⁿ ka-tī, hit-sî i chhun i ê siang-chhiú, thèⁿ góa ê heng, góa chi̍t-ki chi̍t-ki tēⁿ tī i ê chhiú-ba̍k, kā tèng tī i ê thâu-khak téng. I chhut chi̍t-ê siaⁿ, chi̍t-ê khin-khin ê hm̄-siaⁿ, ná teh hèng koh ná teh mn̄g, hit-sî góa teh kā bôa, i ê ko̍k-ke í-keng ū khah tēng, góa ê í-keng tēng khok-khok ah. Góa bīn pàng kē, koh siám khui i ê chim, án-ne kā i lāng, sóa khì chim i ê heng-kòa kut, seng chim chi̍t-pêng, koh sóa khì iáu chi̍t-pêng, koh-lâi chim i chhiú-khiau koh loeh ê lāi-bīn, góa chai hia i kiaⁿ-ngiau, āu-lâi góa chim i ê kòe-lâng kha, bān-bān chim, in-ūi góa kah-ì i ê chu-bī, seng chim chiàⁿ-pêng, koh-lâi chim tò-pêng, i koh chhut hm̄-siaⁿ. Taⁿ i piàn khah ngē ah, i kā kha-chhng-táu hiòng koân kēng góa, m̄-koh góa kā ka-tī kiu hiòng koân, hō͘ i kēng bē tio̍h. I haiⁿ chi̍t-ê sit-bōng ê siaⁿ, siūⁿ boeh thiu chhut i ê chhiú, m̄-koh góa kā tēⁿ ân-ân; "Koai-koai" góa kā i kóng, góa kā chi̍h chhun ji̍p i ê chhùi, i tōa-la̍t kā suh, teh chia̍h góa, mā teh chia̍h i ka-tī, che sī i só͘ kah-ì ê, chia̍h i tī góa chhùi nih ê kháu-bī. Góa phah-tn̄g sio-chim, kā thâu-khak tú tī i ê heng, seng chim kî-tiong chi̍t-lia̍p leng-thâu, koh chim iáu chi̍t-lia̍p, i bô kah-ì án-ne, m̄-koh i jím tio̍h, koh chìn chi̍t-pō͘, góa pàng khui i ê chhiú-oán, taⁿ bô iàu-kín ah, i mā koai-koai kā chhiú khǹg tī thâu-khak téng. Góa chim i ê pín-á-kut, koh chim i ê pak-tó͘, chóng-sī seng chi̍t-pêng, chiah koh iáu chi̍t-pêng, pó-chhî chi̍t-ê tùi-tâng ê hong-sek, mā án-ne chim i ê kut-pôaⁿ, seng kō͘ chhùi-tûn teh i ê chiàⁿ-pêng kha-chhng-táu, koh-lâi kín-kín khì tò-pêng, bô kha̍p i ê ko̍k-ke. I hoat chi̍t-ê bâi-oàn ê siaⁿ, m̄-koh chhiú-kut lâu tī góa kā pàng-khui ê só͘-chāi, kè-sio̍k sńg goán ê iû-hì. Tán góa chim i ê tōa-thúi lāi-bīn ê sî, i ka-lún-sún chi̍t-ē, hit-ūi i mā chin bín-kám, m̄-koh i bô chó͘-tòng góa, i chiâⁿ koai, i pàng góa chò góa boeh chò ê tāi-chì. M̄-koh, góa bô khak-tēng góa sī boeh chhòng-siáⁿ, a̍h sī kóng, góa boeh chò ê í-keng kái-piàn ah. Góa goân-pún siūⁿ boeh kā i pìⁿ hō͘ chhiò, siūⁿ kóng án-ne liáu-āu boeh chò-ài, m̄-koh taⁿ góa ì-sek tio̍h, góa bô boeh chò-ài, a̍h sī bô ài kan-ta chò-ài niā-niā. Sóa lú ē-bīn ê sî, góa ê kha-thâu-u í-keng lī-khui bîn-chhn̂g bóe, só͘-í góa sī kūi tī bîn-chhn̂g kha ê tē-pán téng-bīn...

- -

6. 明仔載伊著轉去

頭起先我欲弄伊笑, 我 kā 彼當做一个笑話. 阮需要笑: Tī Italia hiah-ê 日子了後, 真艱苦 koh 轉來 Sofia, 雪落閣較濟 ah, 阮到 ê 時城市又變做暗殕, 假期過去 ah, 路上 ê 車後輪絞出烏色 ê 雪糊. 今是伊上尾暗蹛 tī 我 ê 公寓; 明仔 chăi 伊著 khêng 伊 ê 物件, 轉去 Studenski 大學城, in 朋友明仔下晡 tō 會到位. 阮 tō 會轉到阮無確定 ê 安排, e-mail a̍h 約會伊攏有可能 tī 最後一刻取消, 甚至根本無通知, 狀況就是 án-ne, 袂參詳得. 伊講, 伊討厭 án-ne, 伊無愛轉去藏起來, 規日伊 ê 壓鬱 lú 重 koh lú 暗, 事事攏感染著, 到暗時, 伊差不多袂講話, 伊已經像有時陣 án-ne 規身勼勼; 我無法度接近伊, 根本無伊 ê 法. 阮相隔壁坐膨椅看一齣電影, 我袂記得彼是啥電影, 是輕鬆, romantik ê 電影, 毋過伊差不多無笑. 阮毋捌做伙真正看電影, 彼總是一个借口, 阮會 tī 遐相唚, 互相摸來摸去, 然後袂記得電影演啥, 毋過今我會當做 ê 就是 án-ne, 予伊 kā 我唚倒轉來. 落尾, 伊予我 kā ùi 膨椅搝起來, 我 kā 電腦關掉, 半拖半挺 kā chhōa 到睏房. 到遐伊較無反抗, 徛 tī 床邊, 伊喙開開, 予我 kā 伊搝倚, kō͘ 我 ê 骨盤 kēng 伊 ê. 伊攑手予我 kā 伊 ê shirts /siat-chuh/ liù 懸, 褪掉, 我感覺氣氛已經起變化, 伊 ê 被動 ká-ná 變做一種遊戲, 伊被動, 我堅持, 我剝伊 ê 腰帶圈仔, 敨伊 ê 牛仔褲 ê 鈕仔; 我唚伊, 已經感覺伊 teh 笑, 伊 mā kō͘ 唚來回應, 伊 ê 舌 kā 我 ê tū 絚絚. 我 kā 伊 ê 牛仔褲 kap 內褲 liù 落, 我暫停相唚, 跪落 liù 彼兩領褲到伊 ê 跤目, 予伊勼跤出來, ná 唚伊 ê 咯雞, 彼猶軟軟, 我 ê 拄拄 koh 硬起來. 伊徙動來唚我, 毋過我 àⁿ 開, koh kā 捒開, 輕輕仔, 伊會使抵抗, 毋過伊無, 伊向後倒落眠床. 上阮 ê 眠床, 我 án-ne 想, 這幾工來代誌變成 án-ne, 遮毋是孤單 ê 所在, 而是屬 tī 阮兩人 ê 所在, 一个充滿愛 ê 所在; 這種代誌我干焦會當想 tī 心, 袂當大聲講出. 我緊緊褪掉家治 ê 衫褲, koh peh 起 lih 摔 tī 伊頂面, 害伊勼一下煞起愛笑, 干焦一下仔, ká-ná 毋是伊 ê 本意. 我 kō͘ 雙手撐家治, 彼時伊伸伊 ê 雙手, 牚我 ê 胸, 我一支一支捏 tī 伊 ê 手目, kā 釘 tī 伊 ê 頭殼頂. 伊出一个聲, 一个輕輕 ê hm̄ 聲, ná teh 興 koh ná teh 問, 彼時我 teh kā 磨, 伊 ê 咯雞已經有較 tēng, 我 ê 已經 tēng 硞硞 ah. 我面放低, koh 閃開伊 ê 唚, án-ne kā 伊弄, 徙去唚伊 ê 胸掛骨, 先唚一爿, koh 徙去猶一爿, 閣來唚伊手曲 koh loeh ê 內面, 我知遐伊驚 ngiau, 後來我唚伊 ê 過人跤, 慢慢唚, 因為我佮意伊 ê 滋味, 先唚正爿, 閣來唚倒爿, 伊 koh 出 hm̄ 聲. 今伊變較硬 ah, 伊 kā 尻川斗向懸 kēng 我, 毋過我 kā 家治勼向懸, 予伊 kēng 袂著. 伊哼一个失望 ê 聲, 想欲抽出伊 ê 手, 毋過我 kā 捏絚絚; "乖乖" 我 kā 伊講, 我 kā 舌伸入伊 ê 喙, 伊大力 kā 欶, teh 食我, mā teh 食伊家治, 這是伊所佮意 ê, 食伊 tī 我喙 nih ê 口味. 我拍斷相唚, kā 頭殼拄 tī 伊 ê 胸, 先唚其中一粒奶頭, koh 唚猶一粒, 伊無佮意 án-ne, 毋過伊忍著, koh 進一步, 我放開伊 ê 手腕, 今無要緊 ah, 伊 mā 乖乖 kā 手囥 tī 頭殼頂. 我唚伊 ê 箅仔骨, koh 唚伊 ê 腹肚, 總是先一爿, 才 koh 猶一爿, 保持一个對同 ê 方式, mā án-ne 唚伊 ê 骨盤, 先 kō͘ 喙唇硩伊 ê 正爿尻川斗, 閣來緊緊去倒爿, 無磕伊 ê 咯雞. 伊發一个埋怨 ê 聲, 毋過手骨留 tī 我 kā 放開 ê 所在, 繼續耍阮 ê 遊戲. 等我唚伊 ê 大腿內面 ê 時, 伊 ka-lún-sún 一下, 彼位伊 mā 真敏感, 毋過伊無阻擋我, 伊誠乖, 伊放我做我欲做 ê 代誌. 毋過, 我無確定我是欲創啥, a̍h 是講, 我欲做 ê 已經改變 ah. 我原本想欲 kā 伊 pìⁿ 予笑, 想講 án-ne 了後欲做愛, 毋過今我意識著, 我無欲做愛, a̍h 是無愛干焦做愛 niā-niā. 徙 lú 下面 ê 時, 我 ê 跤頭趺已經離開眠床尾, 所以我是跪 tī 眠床跤 ê 地板頂面...

- -

6.

I wanted to make him laugh at first, I meant it almost as a joke. We needed to laugh: it had been hard to return to Sofia after our days in Italy, more snow had fallen but by the time we arrived the city had turned gray again, the holidays were over, the cars kicked black sludge from their tires. And now it was his last night in my apartment; in the morning he would gather his things and go back to Studenski grad, his friends would arrive in the afternoon. We would return to our uncertain arrangements, e-mails and dates that he might break at the last minute or without any notice at all, those were the conditions, they were non-negotiable. He hated it, he said, he didn’t want to go back to hiding, and throughout the day his dread had increased and darkened, coloring everything, until by nighttime he could barely speak, he had folded in on himself as he did sometimes; it was hard for me to reach him, to have any effect on him at all. We watched a movie sitting side by side on the couch, I don’t remember what it was, something lighthearted, romantic, though he hardly laughed. We never really watched movies together, it was always a pretense, we would kiss and touch each other and then forget the movie, but now it was all I could do to get him to kiss me back. Finally he let me pull him up from the couch, I folded the computer shut and led him half resisting into the bedroom. He resisted less there, standing beside the bed, he opened his mouth to me, he let me draw him close and press my pelvis against his. He raised his arms for me to pull his shirt up and off, and I felt the mood shifting already, it lightened as his passivity became a game almost, his passivity and my insistence as I struggled with the buckle of his belt, the button on his jeans; I could feel him almost smile as I kissed him, as he answered me back more in his kisses, his tongue pressing against mine. I pushed his jeans and underwear down, breaking our kiss to kneel and hold them at his ankles while he lifted his legs free, kissing his cock, which wasn’t hard yet, just once before I rose again. He moved to kiss me again but I leaned away, then shoved him back, not hard, he could have resisted but he didn’t, he fell backward onto the bed. Onto our bed, I thought, which was what it had become in those days, not a lonely place but a place that belonged to both of us, a loving place; it was something I could think to myself but not say out loud. I took off my own clothes quickly and then launched myself on top of him, which made him flinch and laugh, just once and as if against his will. I caught myself with my hands and when he reached out his own hands, bracing them against my chest, I grabbed them one by one at the wrist and pinned them above his head. He made a noise at this, a little growl, interested and interrogative, as I ground against him, his cock harder now, mine fully hard. I lowered my face but dodged his kiss again, teasing him, and instead kissed his collarbone, first one side and then the other, and then the inside of his arm, just below the elbow, where I knew he was ticklish, and then I licked the pit of his arm, slowly, because I loved the taste of him, first the right and then the left, and he growled again. He was harder now, he pressed his hips up against mine, but I lifted myself off him, beyond his reach. He moaned in frustration, he tried to pull his hands free but I held them firm; Porta-te bem, I said to him, and then I did kiss him, I put my tongue in his mouth and he sucked at it hard, tasting me but tasting himself, too, that was what he loved, the taste of himself in my mouth. I broke off the kiss and dipped my head to his chest, kissing first one nipple and then the other, which he didn’t really like, he tolerated it, and then to go further I had to let go of his wrists, which didn’t matter, he kept them obediently above his head. I kissed his ribs and then his stomach, always one side and then the other, keeping a symmetrical pattern, keeping it at his pelvis, too, pressing my lips to his right hip and his left but avoiding his cock, moving quickly. He made a noise of complaint but kept his arms where I had left them, still playing our game. He jerked a little when I kissed the inside of his thighs, he was sensitive there, too, but he didn’t try to stop me, he was being good, he let me do what I wanted. But I wasn’t sure what I wanted, or what I wanted had changed. I had thought I wanted to make him laugh, that after that I wanted sex, but I didn’t want sex, I realized, or not only sex. I had let my knees drop off the end of the bed as I moved lower, soon I was kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed...

- -