9. Ná-tio̍h su-iàu koh loân-ài?
Chit-ê tāi-chì liáu-āu chi̍t lé-pài, Gopal koan-chhat, Shaw Tt bô koh chhōa pa̍t-ê cha-po͘-lâng lâi yin chhù. I khì chham-ka bûn-hòa hia̍p-hōe ê lé-pài-ji̍t lí-sū-hōe, tī hia, i kō͘ ùi "Reader’s Digest" tha̍k tio̍h ê chhiò-khoe gô͘-lo̍k hōe-oân. I tī biō-sī chho͘-chhù kà gín-á Hindi-gí. I sái chhia khì pó-ióng. Gopal chò it-chhè chiah-ê tāi-chì. I chia̍h-pn̄g. i khùn. I sīm-chì koh hām Shaw Tt chò chi̍t-kái ài, it-ti̍t kàu yi kiò i lī-khui, i kiò-sī it-chhè lóng koh hó-sè ah.
Āu-lâi, ū chi̍t-àm, Gopal tī saⁿ-tiám gōa, hō͘ chi̍t-tâi ùi Shaw Tt ê chhia-tō chhut-lâi ê chhia phah chhéⁿ. He put-kò sī chi̍t-ê pêng-iú, i án-ne siūⁿ, ná khiā tī khùn-pâng ê thang-á piⁿ, khòaⁿ hit-tâi Toyota chiūⁿ-lō͘ khui cháu. Gopal chhì boeh koh khùn, m̄-koh khùn bē-khì, sui-bóng sim-koaⁿ bô teh te̍k-pia̍t siūⁿ siáⁿ. I ê thâu-khak khang-khang, m̄-koh khùn-sîn bô koh lâi.
Góa m̄ khà tiān-ōe hō͘ yi, thiⁿ-kng ê sî Gopal án-ne siūⁿ. M̄-koh, tng i teh khà tiān-ōe ê sî, i siūⁿ, tī hō-má bōe chhi̍h liáu chìn-chêng, i ē seng kā tiān-ōe kòa tiāu. I thiaⁿ tio̍h hit-thâu ê thiaⁿ-tâng gia̍h khí-lâi, Shaw Tt kóng "Halo." I tiām-tiām bô kóng-ōe. "M̄-thang án-ne chò, Gopal," yi jiû-jiû kóng. "M̄-thang siong-hāi góa."
"Hái," Gopal khin-siaⁿ kóng, siūⁿ boeh hó-hó siong-hāi yi. I kā thâu khò tī chàu-kha ê piah. Khin-siaⁿ kóng ê sî, i ê bīn teh kiù-kin, "Góa chin pháiⁿ-sè."
"M̄-thang án-ne. Góa ài lí. Góa bô-ài siong-hāi lí. Tō-sī án-ne, góa chiah kā lí kóng."
"Góa chai."
"Án-ne hó bô?"
"Hó." In tiām-tiām chin kú. Jiân-āu Gopal kòa tiān-ōe. I hòⁿ-kî, yi kám ē khà tò-tńg lâi. I teh tán, tán bô, i khai-sí tī goân-tē thiàu khí thiàu lo̍h.
Koh-lâi hit kúi lé-pài, Gopal chīn-liōng kiám-chió tī chhù nih ê sî-kan. I khì tô͘-su-koán tha̍k chá-sî ê pò-chóa, jiân-āu tī chi̍t-keng sió chhan-koán chia̍h-tàu, koh tńg khì tô͘-su-koán. Lé-pài-ji̍t, i kui-kang lóng tī siong-tiûⁿ. I tùi Shaw Tt ê khì chin kín tō siau-khì ah, in-ūi i jīn-ûi, yi ê lī-khui tio̍h koài i ka-tī. Put-jî-kò, Gopal kè-sio̍k tô-phiah tńg chhù, in-ūi i bô-ài keng-giām hit-chióng hō͘ i kui-mê khùn bē-khì ê oàn-tò͘. Kan-ta tán i chiok àm tńg lâi, koh chiok thiám, i chiah khùn ē-khì. Àm-thâu ê sî, Gopal khì biō-sī tàu kha-chhiú 7-tiám pài-sîn ê gî-sek, a̍h sī pài-hóng chi̍t-ê i sin se̍k-sāi ê pêng-iú. M̄-koh, kòe bô kúi lé-pài, i kā se̍k-sāi lâng ê hó-sim bôa chīn, koh hām bó͘-lâng ê bó͘ khí cheng-chip, i tō put-tek-í tńg chhù.
Tiàm-chhù ê thâu kúi-àm, Gopal jīn-ûi i ē tī choa̍t-bōng tiong koh tô-lī ka-tī ê chhù. I khùn bē chū-chāi, thang-á gōa sió-khóa ê si-sa siaⁿ tō hō͘ i chhéⁿ lâi, kiò sī ū chhia ùi Shaw Tt ê chhia-tō chhut-lâi. Ji̍t-sî pí àm-sî khah hó kòe, iû-kî sī Shaw Tt chhut-khì siōng-pan ê sî. Gopal tī àm-sî khùn kúi tiám-cheng, jiân-āu tī ji̍t-sî tuh-ku, m̄-koh án-ne hō͘ i chin thiám, thâu-hîn ba̍k-àm. E-po͘-sî, i kah-ì chē tī mn̂g-kháu ê khám-á tha̍k pò-chóa, ū-sî tō thêng lo̍h-lâi khòaⁿ yi ê chhù. I kah-ì khòaⁿ ji̍t-kng peh chiūⁿ yi ê piah. Ū sî-chūn, yi hā-pan sái-chhia tńg lâi ê sî, i tú-hó chē tī gōa-kháu. Ū chi̍t/nn̄g kái, Shaw Tt kā i ia̍t-chhiú, m̄-koh i bô hoán-èng, m̄-sī in-ūi siū-khì, sī in-ūi i kám-kak ka-tī khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tō giān-giān, bē ia̍t-chhiú, mā bē bî-chhiò.
In hun-chhiú chi̍t kò pòaⁿ goe̍h liáu, Gopal nā siūⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt ê chhia-tō ū nn̄g-tâi chhia, àm-sî i iáu-sī khùn bē-khì. Chi̍t-kái, keng-kòe kúi-ā mê bô-bîn, i kàu pòaⁿ-mê saⁿ-tiám iáu sī teh khòaⁿ Shaw Tt ê lí-hêng-chhia āu-bīn hit-ê o͘-iáⁿ. I bô lám bô ne tán tī khùn-pâng ê thang-á piⁿ, iā kiaⁿ iā hi-bāng, teh tán ū chhia keng-kòe Shaw Tt ê chhù, hō͘ chhia-teng chhiō tio̍h hit-ê hêng-iáⁿ. Kú-kú tán bô chhia keng-kòe, Gopal koat-tēng boeh ka-tī khì khòaⁿ-māi.
I khai-sí ku kē-kē tī i ê chháu-tiâⁿ cháu. Khong-khì un-loán, ū ba̍k-nī hoe ê phang-bī, Gopal thiám kah siūⁿ kóng i ē phak-tó tī thô͘-kha. Cháu bô kúi-pō͘, i tō thêng lo̍h-lâi, sin-khu khiā thêng. Thiⁿ chin chheng, ū móa-móa ê thiⁿ-chheⁿ, Gopal kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ i sī tī Indo chng-kha. Iân ke-lō͘ ê chhù àm-àm, kiu-kiu ku tī hia. I siūⁿ, sīm-chì tī Indo, chhim-iā ê chhù khòaⁿ tio̍h mā ná ài-khùn bīn. I siūⁿ khí, tong-chho͘ i lâi kàu chia ê sî, i tùi Bí-kok chhù ê siâ chhù-téng tio̍h chi̍t-kiaⁿ, hō͘ i siūⁿ boeh tńg-khì Indo, tī hia i ē-tàng khùn tī chhù-téng. I koh kiâⁿ kòe chháu-tiâⁿ. Gopal bān-bān kiâⁿ, i kám-kak ka-tī ká-ná kiâⁿ kòe chin hn̄g ê kī-lī.
Hit-tâi lí-hêng-chhia kū-àu kū-chhàu, ko͘-toaⁿ khiā tī hia, sió-khóa ū gasolín kap ji̍t-sî sio-tō͘ ê khì-bī. Gopal àⁿ hiòng i ê enjín kòa. Lí-hêng-chhia chin lāu-kū ah, i ê lí-têng-pió í-keng cháu oân chi̍t-lûn. I tō ná chhiūⁿ góa, i siūⁿ, mā chhiūⁿ Helen. Goán tō-sī seⁿ-chò án-ne -- khā eng-ia, àu-kó͘, hō͘ lō͘-tô͘ kho̍k kah li-li liap-liap, nn̄g-lia̍p m̄ jīn-su ê sim iáu tī lāi-bīn chùn-tāng. Eng-ia, àu-kó͘, lap-o hām m̄ jīn-su ê sim chō-sêng chit-chūn ê goán. I hòⁿ-kî, goán ná tio̍h su-iàu jīm-hô mi̍h koh loân-ài? Goán ha̍k-si̍p, kái-piàn, chiâⁿ-chò khah hó. I khò tī hit-tâi chhia chi̍t/nn̄g hun-cheng. Hóe-kim-ko͘ tī bî-hong nih siám-sih, phiau-tāng. Jiân-āu i kiâⁿ tńg chhù.
Gopal chin chá tō chhéⁿ, sé sin-khu, khau chhùi-chhiu, khoán chá-tǹg. Chia̍h-pá liáu, i sé-chhùi, bong i ê chhùi-phé, khsòaⁿ kám tio̍h koh siu-bīn, chit-pái tio̍h khau tò-hiòng. Káu tiám, i kiâⁿ-kòe i ê chháu-tiâⁿ, lâi chhi̍h Shaw Tt ê mn̂g-lêng. I chhi̍h kúi-ā kái chiah thiaⁿ tio̍h yi ê kha-pō͘ siaⁿ. Tán yi khui-mn̂g, khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê sî, Shaw Tt tò-thè chi̍t-pō͘, bē-su khì hō͘ kiaⁿ tio̍h. Gopal kám-kak sim-thiàⁿ, yi ná ē jīn-ûi i khó-lêng siong-hāi yi. "Góa ē-tàng ji̍p-lâi bô?" i mn̄g. Yi kim-kim lia̍h i khòaⁿ. I khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ê ba̍k-chiu ē ū ba̍k-mo͘ ko ê hûn-jiah, âng-thâu-mo͘ í-keng phùn pe̍h-si. I jīn-ûi, i m̄-bat khòaⁿ tio̍h chiah súi, chiah ióng-kám ê cha-bó͘.
(Soah)
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9. 那著需要 koh 戀愛?
這个代誌了後一禮拜, Gopal 觀察, Shaw Tt 無 koh chhōa 別个查埔人來姻厝. 伊去參加文化協會 ê 禮拜日理事會, tī 遐, 伊 kō͘ ùi "Reader’s Digest" 讀著 ê 笑詼娛樂會員. 伊 tī 廟寺初次教囡仔 Hindi 語. 伊駛車去保養. Gopal 做一切 chiah-ê 代誌. 伊食飯. 伊睏. 伊甚至 koh 和 Shaw Tt 做一改愛, 一直到她叫伊離開, 伊叫是一切攏 koh 好勢 ah.
後來, 有一暗, Gopal tī 三點外, 予一台 ùi Shaw Tt ê 車道出來 ê 車拍醒. 彼不過是一个朋友, 伊 án-ne 想, ná 徛 tī 睏房 ê 窗仔邊, 看彼台 Toyota 上路開走. Gopal 試欲 koh 睏, 毋過睏袂去, 雖罔心肝無 teh 特別想啥. 伊 ê 頭殼空空, 毋過睏神無閣來.
我毋敲電話予她, 天光 ê 時 Gopal án-ne 想. 毋過, 當伊 teh 敲電話 ê 時, 伊想, tī 號碼未揤了進前, 伊會先 kā 電話掛掉. 伊聽著彼頭 ê 聽筒攑起來, Shaw Tt 講 "Halo." 伊恬恬無講話. "毋通 án-ne 做, Gopal," 她柔柔講. "毋通傷害我."
"Hái," Gopal 輕聲講, 想欲好好傷害她. 伊 kā 頭靠 tī 灶跤 ê 壁. 輕聲講 ê 時, 伊 ê 面 teh 糾筋, "我真歹勢."
"毋通 án-ne. 我愛你. 我無愛傷害你. 就是 án-ne, 我才 kā 你講."
"我知."
"Án-ne 好無?"
"好." In 恬恬真久. 然後 Gopal 掛電話. 伊好奇, 她敢會敲倒轉來. 伊 teh 等, 等無, 伊開始 tī 原地跳起跳落.
閣來彼幾禮拜, Gopal 盡量減少 tī 厝 nih ê 時間. 伊去圖書館讀早時 ê 報紙, 然後 tī 一間小餐館食晝, koh 轉去圖書館. 禮拜日, 伊規工攏 tī 商場. 伊對 Shaw Tt ê 氣真緊 tō 消去 ah, 因為伊認為, 她 ê 離開著怪伊家治. 不而過, Gopal 繼續逃避轉厝, 因為伊無愛經驗彼種予伊規暝睏袂去 ê 怨妒. 干焦等伊足暗轉來, koh 足忝, 伊才睏會去. 暗頭 ê 時, Gopal 去廟寺鬥跤手 7 點拜神 ê 儀式, a̍h 是拜訪一个伊新熟似 ê 朋友. 毋過, 過無幾禮拜, 伊 kā 熟似人 ê 好心磨盡, koh 和某人 ê 某起爭執, 伊 tō 不得已轉厝.
踮厝 ê 頭幾暗, Gopal 認為伊會 tī 絕望中 koh 逃離家治 ê 厝. 伊睏袂自在, 窗仔外小可 ê si-sa 聲 tō 予伊醒來, 叫是有車 ùi Shaw Tt ê 車道出來. 日時比暗時較好過, 尤其是 Shaw Tt 出去上班 ê 時. Gopal tī 暗時睏幾點鐘, 然後 tī日時 tuh-ku, 毋過 án-ne 予伊真忝, 頭眩目暗. 下晡時, 伊佮意坐 tī 門口 ê 坎仔讀報紙, 有時 tō 停落來看她 ê 厝. 伊佮意看日光 peh 上她 ê 壁. 有時陣, 她下班駛車轉來 ê 時, 伊拄好坐 tī 外口. 有一兩改, Shaw Tt kā 伊擛手, 毋過伊無反應, 毋是因為受氣, 是因為伊感覺家治看著她 tō giān-giān, 袂擛手, mā 袂微笑.
In 分手一個半月了, Gopal 若想著 Shaw Tt ê 車道有兩台車, 暗時伊猶是睏袂去. 一改, 經過幾若暝無眠, 伊到半暝三點猶是 teh 看 Shaw Tt ê 旅行車後面彼个烏影. 伊無攬無拈等 tī 睏房 ê 窗仔邊, 也驚也希望, teh 等有車經過 Shaw Tt ê 厝, 予車燈炤著彼个形影. 久久等無車經過, Gopal 決定欲家治去看覓.
伊開始跔低低 tī 伊 ê 草埕走. 空氣溫暖, 有茉莉花 ê 芳味, Gopal 忝甲想講伊會仆倒 tī 塗跤. 走無幾步, 伊 tō 停落來, 身軀徛騰. 天真清, 有滿滿 ê 天星, Gopal 感覺若像伊是 tī Indo 庄跤. 沿街路 ê 厝暗暗, 勼勼 ku tī 遐. 伊想, 甚至 tī Indo, 深夜 ê 厝看著 mā ná 愛睏面. 伊想起, 當初伊來到遮 ê 時, 伊對美國厝 ê 斜厝頂著一驚, 予伊想欲轉去 Indo, tī 遐伊會當睏 tī 厝頂. 伊 koh 行過草埕. Gopal 慢慢行, 伊感覺家治 ká-ná 行過真遠 ê 距離.
彼台旅行車舊漚舊臭, 孤單徛 tī 遐, 小可有 gasolín kap 日時燒度 ê 氣味. Gopal àⁿ 向伊 ê enjín 蓋. 旅行車真老舊 ah, 伊 ê 里程表已經走完一輪. 伊 tō 若像我, 伊想, mā 像 Helen. 阮就是生做 án-ne -- khā 坱埃, 漚古, 予路途硞甲 li-li liap-liap, 兩粒毋認輸 ê 心猶 tī 內面顫動. 坱埃, 漚古, lap-o 和毋認輸 ê 心造成這陣 ê 阮. 伊好奇, 阮那著需要任何物 koh 戀愛? 阮學習, 改變, 成做較好. 伊靠 tī 彼台車一兩分鐘. 火金蛄 tī 微風 nih 閃爍, 飄動. 然後伊行轉厝.
Gopal 真早 tō 醒, 洗身軀, 剾喙鬚, 款早頓. 食飽了, 伊洗喙, 摸伊 ê 喙䫌, 看敢著 koh 修面, 這擺著剾倒向. 九點, 伊行過伊 ê 草埕, 來揤 Shaw Tt ê 門鈴. 伊揤幾若改才聽著她 ê 跤步聲. 等她開門, 看著伊 ê 時, Shaw Tt 倒退一步, 袂輸去予驚著. Gopal 感覺心疼, 她那會認為伊可能傷害她. "我會當入來無?" 伊問. 她金金掠伊看. 伊看著她 ê 目睭下有目毛膏 ê 痕跡, 紅頭毛已經噴白絲. 伊認為, 伊毋捌看著 chiah 媠, chiah 勇敢 ê 查某.
(煞)
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9.
For a week after this Gopal observed that Mrs. Shaw did not bring another man to her house. He went to the Sunday board meeting of the cultural association, where he regaled the members with jokes from Reader's Digest. He taught his first Hindi class to children at the temple. He took his car to be serviced. Gopal did all these things. He ate. He slept. He even made love to Mrs. Shaw once, and until she asked him to leave, he thought everything was all right again.
Then, one night, Gopal was awakened at a little after three by a car pulling out of Mrs. Shaw's driveway. It is just a friend, he thought, standing by his bedroom window and watching the Toyota move down the road. Gopal tried falling asleep again, but he could not, though he was not thinking of anything in particular. His mind was blank, but sleep did not come.
I will not call her, Gopal thought in the morning. And as he was dialing her, he thought he would hang up before all the numbers had been pressed. He heard the receiver being lifted on the other side and Mrs. Shaw saying "Hello." He did not say anything. "Don't do this, Gopal," she said softly. "Don't hurt me."
"Hi," Gopal whispered, wanting very much to hurt her. He leaned his head against the kitchen wall. His face twitched as he whispered, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be that way. I love you. I didn't want to hurt you. That's why I told you."
"I know."
"All right?"
"Yes." They were silent for a long time. Then Gopal hung up. He wondered if she would call back. He waited, and when she didn't, he began jumping up and down in place.
FOR the next few weeks Gopal tried to spend as little time as possible in his house. He read the morning papers in the library, and then had lunch at a diner, and then went back to the library. On Sundays he spent all day at the mall. His anger at Mrs. Shaw soon disappeared, because he thought that the blame for her leaving lay with him. Gopal continued, however, to avoid home, because he did not want to experience the jealousy that would keep him awake all night. Only if he arrived late enough and tired enough could he fall asleep. In the evening Gopal either went to the temple and helped at the seven o'clock service or visited one of his new acquaintances. But over the weeks he exhausted the kindheartedness of his acquaintances and had a disagreement with one man's wife, and he was forced to return home.
The first few evenings he spent at home Gopal thought he would have to flee his house in despair. He slept awkwardly, waking at the barest rustle outside his window, thinking that a car was pulling out of Mrs. Shaw's driveway. The days were easier than the nights, especially when Mrs. Shaw was away at work. Gopal would sleep a few hours at night and then nap during the day, but this left him exhausted and dizzy. In the afternoon he liked to sit on the steps and read the paper, pausing occasionally to look at her house. He liked the sun sliding up its walls. Sometimes he was sitting outside when she drove home from work. Mrs. Shaw waved to him once or twice, but he did not respond, not because he was angry but because he felt himself become so still at the sight of her that he could neither wave nor smile.
A month and a half after they separated, Gopal still could not sleep at night if he thought there were two cars in Mrs. Shaw's driveway. Once, after a series of sleepless nights, he was up until three watching a dark shape behind Mrs. Shaw's station wagon. He waited by his bedroom window, paralyzed with fear and hope, for a car to pass in front of her house and strike the shape with its headlights. After a long time in which no car went by, Gopal decided to check for himself.
He started across his lawn crouched over and running. The air was warm and smelled of jasmine, and Gopal was so tired that he thought he might spill to the ground. After a few steps he stopped and straightened up. The sky was clear, and there were so many stars that Gopal felt as if he were in his village in India. The houses along the street were dark and drawn in on themselves. Even in India, he thought, late at night the houses look like sleeping faces. He remembered how surprised he had been by the pitched roofs of American houses when he had first come here, and how this had made him yearn to return to India, where he could sleep on the roof. He started across the lawn again. Gopal walked slowly, and he felt as if he were crossing a great distance.
The station wagon stood battered and alone, smelling faintly of gasoline and the day's heat. Gopal leaned against its hood. The station wagon was so old that the odometer had gone all the way around. Like me, he thought, and like Helen, too. This is who we are, he thought -- dusty, corroded, and dented from our voyages, with our unflagging hearts rattling on inside. We are made who we are by the dust and corrosion and dents and unflagging hearts. Why should we need anything else to fall in love? he wondered. We learn and change and get better. He leaned against the car for a minute or two. Fireflies swung flickering in the breeze. Then he walked home.
Gopal woke early and showered and shaved and made breakfast. He brushed his teeth after eating and felt his cheeks to see whether he should shave again, this time against the grain. At nine he crossed his lawn and rang Mrs. Shaw's doorbell. He had to ring it several times before he heard her footsteps. When she opened the door and saw him, Mrs. Shaw drew back as if she were afraid. Gopal felt sad that she could think he might hurt her. "May I come in?" he asked. She stared at him. He saw mascara stains beneath her eyes and silver strands mingled with her red hair. He thought he had never seen a woman as beautiful or as gallant.
--
//
The Atlantic Monthly; January, 1997; Cosmopolitan; Volume 279, No. 1; pages 62 - 73.
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