8. Góa ài lí, m̄-koh bô ài-tio̍h lí
Shaw Tt tī i bōe khok-mn̂g chìn-chêng tō khui-mn̂g. Ū chi̍t-khùn, Gopal siáⁿ to bô kóng. Yi chhēng phah-thih-á kûn, hām chi̍t-niá bô-ńg ê pe̍h siatchuh. Yi tùi i bî-chhiò. Gopal hn̄g-hn̄g tō sīn-tiōng khui-chhùi. "Góa ài lí," i chho͘-chhù án-ne kā kóng. "Chin pháiⁿ-sè, góa bô iau-chhiáⁿ lí khì chham-ka tián-lám-hōe." I tán chi̍t-ē, hō͘ ōe tîm chi̍t-ē, tán yi kō͘ kāng-khoán ê chhin-jia̍t kā i ìn. Tán bô yi ê hôe-èng, i koh kóng chi̍t-piàn, "Góa ài lí."
Jiân-āu yi kóng, "To-siā lí," koh kiò i bián kòa-ì tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì. Yi chhiáⁿ i ji̍p-khì. Gopal siūⁿ bô yi ná-ē hiah tiām, soah kám-kak kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. I khai-sí tùi ka-tī ê thán-pe̍k kám-kak bē chū-chāi. In kán-té sio-chim chi̍t-ē, liáu-āu Gopal tō tńg-chhù.
Keh-kang àm-sî, in tī i ê kheh-thiaⁿ khòaⁿ tiān-sī ê sî, Shaw Tt hut-jiân oa̍t hiòng i, kóng, "Lí chin-chiàⁿ ū ài góa, kám m̄-sī?" Sui-bóng Gopal ū liāu tio̍h chit-ê būn-tê, chi̍t-sî i iáu-sī kám-kak put-an, in-ūi che hō͘ i hòⁿ-kî, ài tàu-té sī siáⁿ, i kám ū lêng-le̍k khì ài. M̄-koh, i kám-kak taⁿ m̄-sī gī-lūn gí-ì ê sî-chūn. Tī kú-kú tán chi̍t-khùn, piáu-sī i hām ka-tī ê jio̍k-tiám teh chhia-piàⁿ liáu-āu, Gopal kóng: sī, koh teh tán Shaw Tt ê hôe-èng. Koh chi̍t-kái, yi bô piáu-sī yi ê ài. Yi khin-jiû chim i ê hia̍h-thâu. Chit-chióng kám-chêng ê piáu-hiān hō͘ Gopal siū-khì, m̄-koh i bô kóng siáⁿ. M̄-koh tán Shaw Tt hit-àm lī-khui ê sî, Gopal iáu-sī chin hoaⁿ-hí.
Keh-kang, Gopal teh tán Shaw Tt hā-pan tńg-lâi. I í-keng koat-tēng, siang-lâng ê koan-hē í-keng lâi kàu chi̍t-ê khám-chām. Khòaⁿ tio̍h yi mo͘h chi̍t-tē chi̍t-tē ê ji̍t-iōng-phín sin-khó͘ kiâⁿ kàu mn̂g-kháu ê sî, Gopal tō khà tiān-ōe. I khiā tī i ê mn̂g-kháu kha-khám, ōe-tâng ê sòaⁿ phoa̍h tī chi̍t-pêng keng-thâu, ná teh khòaⁿ yin chhù hām yi hit-tâi seⁿ-sian koh khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin thiám ê lí-hêng chhia, che hō͘ i kiông-lia̍t koh jia̍t-lia̍t liân-siūⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt ê hái-phài seng-oa̍h. Tī yi gia̍h-khí tiān-ōe ê sî, Gopal hiám-á tō kóng, "Góa su-liām lí," m̄-koh i soah pháiⁿ-sè, kan-ta kóng, "Lí kin-á-ji̍t kòe liáu án-chóaⁿ?"
"Bē-bái," yi kóng, Gopal sióng-siōng yi tī chàu-kha teh bô-êng, siu-si̍p tú-chiah bé ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, khǹg tê-kó͘ tī lô͘-á téng, tī chàu-kha toh-á chéng-lí yi ê phe-sìn. Chit-chióng kò͘-ke kap to̍k-li̍p ê ìn-siōng hō͘ i chhim-chhim kám-tōng. "Ū chi̍t-ê hú-tō-oân tio̍h gâm í-keng chin siong-tiōng ah," yi kóng, "in pêng-iú boeh ūi i pān chi̍t-ê party, só͘-í in kòa chi̍t-ki pâi-á, téng-bīn siá ‘Taⁿ sûi kià-hù lâi hôe-ho̍k! Henry kip boeh chham-ka chit-ê party!’" Gopal hām Shaw Tt lóng chhiò chhut-lâi.
"Lán lâi chò kóa siáⁿ," i kóng.
"Siáⁿ-mi̍h?"
Gopal iáu-bōe siūⁿ kàu hia. I siūⁿ boeh chò romantik ê tāi-chì, thang î-chhî kàu boeh khùn ê sî, án-ne i ē-tàng pek yi lâu lo̍h-lâi kòe-mê. "Lí boeh chia̍h-àm bô?"
"Tong-jiân," yi kóng. Gopal chin hoaⁿ-hí. Kúi-kang chêng, i ū khì sio-chiú tiàm bé chiú, hó-tit ū ki-hōe ê sî, thang kā Shaw Tt koàn-chùi, hō͘ yi khùn tī i ê sin-piⁿ.
In ná teh chia̍h i chú ê Italia píⁿ-mī (linguine) ê sî, Gopal chi̍t-lō͘ kā Shaw Tt koàn chiú. In chē tī chàu-kha, m̄-koh i koaiⁿ-tiāu ji̍t-kong-teng, tiám la̍h-chek. Lim kàu tē-saⁿ poe ê sî, Gopal kám-kak chin chāi-táⁿ; i kā chhiú chhun kàu yi ê tōa-thúi lāi-té bīn.
"Goán lāu-bú hām lāu-pē," chia̍h kàu chi̍t-pòaⁿ ê sî, Shaw Tt kóng, kō͘ chhiám-á kí hiòng i, sī hit-chióng chiú-chùi ê lâng ûn-ûn-á ê kháu-khì, "hō͘ góa siong-sìn, lâng bô eng-kai tn̂g-kî tòa chò-hóe." Yi án-ne kóng, sī teh hôe-èng tú-chiah Gopal ê àm-sī, kóng, tio̍h chò-hóe seng-oa̍h, lâng chiah ē-tàng chin-chiàⁿ hō͘-siong liáu-kái. "Nā hiah-nī liáu-kái chi̍t-ê lâng, lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē sit-bōng."
"Hoān-sè he sī in-ūi lí bô tú-tio̍h ha̍p-sek ê lâng." Gopal ìn, kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè, tī siūⁿ boeh piáu-hiān ka-tī chhùi-jio̍k ê sî, soah kóng-chhut chit-chióng khó-lêng hō͘ lâng kám-kak sáng-sè ê ōe.
"Góa bô jīn-ûi ē ū ha̍p-sek ê lâng. Tùi góa lâi kóng, bô. Boeh tūi-lo̍h ài-hô, góa siūⁿ, lí bē-sái ū jīm-hô hoâi-gî, góa siūⁿ, he góa chò bē-kàu."
Gopal hòⁿ-kî, Shaw Tt kám chin-chiàⁿ siong-sìn yi só͘ kóng ê, a̍h sī kiaⁿ thàu-lāu bô tùi i ê ài, ē siong-hāi tio̍h i, chiah án-ne kóng. I thêng lo̍h-lâi, bô koh chia̍h.
Shaw Tt kim-kim khòaⁿ i. Yi khǹg lo̍h chhiám-á, kóng, "Góa ài lí. Góa ài lí tùi góa ê koan-sim hām lí ê un-jiû."
Gopal chhùi gi chi̍t-ē. I siūⁿ, hoān-sè yi hit-kù ōe ê thâu-chêng pō͘-hūn sī chi̍t-ê piáu-pe̍k ê chîan-chàu, in-ūi i sī hiah-nī tiōng-iàu, yi khéng kā i tòng-chò lē-gōa. "Góa mā ài lí," Gopal kóng. "Góa ài lí ê khoe-hâi, chhong-bêng, kap láu-si̍t. Lí si̍t-chāi ū-kàu súi." I sió-khóa àⁿ-sin, àm-sī boeh chim yi, m̄-koh Shaw Tt bô hoán-èng.
Yi ê bīn ngē-chiaⁿ. "Góa ài lí," yi koh kóng, Gopal soah khai-sí kín-tiuⁿ. "M̄-koh, góa pēng bô ài-tio̍h lí." Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, kim-kim khòaⁿ Gopal.
Gopal kám-kak bū sà-sà. "Ū siáⁿ chha-pia̍t ah?"
"Teh loân-ài ê sî, lí bē khó-lī ka-tī, in-ūi lí oân-choân teh ài tùi-hong. Góa oa̍h siuⁿ kú ah, bô jīn-ûi ū lâng hiah-nī oân-bí." Gopal iáu sī bē bêng-pe̍k hit-ê chha-pia̍t, m̄-koh i pháiⁿ-sè koh mn̄g. I ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn án-ne siūⁿ, i kóaⁿ-cháu bó͘-kiáⁿ hō͘ Sîn án-ne kā chhú-hoa̍t, án-ne sī kong-pêng ê. Ná khó-lêng ū lâng ē ài i neh?
Shaw Tt kā i ê chhiú tēⁿ tī yi ê chhiú nih. "Góa siūⁿ, lán siang-lâng tio̍h hō͘-siong sió hioh-khùn chi̍t-ē, án-ne góa chiah bē hoe khì. Hām lí chò-hóe, góa mā lú lâi lú hoe. Lán lóng tio̍h koh chhōe pa̍t-lâng."
"Oh," Gopal sim-koaⁿ chiâⁿ thiàⁿ, sui-bóng i chai-iáⁿ teh hoat-seng ê tāi-chì sī ha̍p tī chèng-gī.
"Góa bô boeh ún-môa siáⁿ-mi̍h. Góa ài lí. Góa chin-chiàⁿ ài lí. Lí sī góa m̄-bat tú kòe, siōng siān-liông ê ài-jîn."
"Oh."
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8. 我愛你, 毋過無愛著你
Shaw Tt tī 伊未硞門進前 tō 開門. 有一睏, Gopal 啥 to 無講. 她穿拍鐵仔裙, 和一領無䘼 ê 白 siatchuh. 她對伊微笑. Gopal 遠遠 tō 慎重開喙. "我愛你," 伊初次 án-ne kā 講. "真歹勢, 我無邀請你去參加展覽會." 伊等一下, 予話沉一下, 等她 kō͘ 仝款 ê 親熱 kā 伊應. 等無她 ê 回應, 伊閣講一遍, "我愛你."
然後她講, "多謝你," koh 叫伊免掛意展覽會 ê 代誌. 她請伊入去. Gopal 想無她那會 hiah 恬, 煞感覺驚惶. 伊開始對家治 ê 坦白感覺袂自在. In 簡短相唚一下, 了後 Gopal tō 轉厝.
隔工暗時, in tī 伊 ê 客廳看電視 ê 時, Shaw Tt 忽然越向伊, 講, "你真正有愛我, 敢毋是?" 雖罔 Gopal 有料著這个問題, 一時伊猶是感覺不安, 因為這予伊好奇, 愛到底是啥, 伊敢有能力去愛. 毋過, 伊感覺今毋是議論語意 ê 時陣. Tī 久久等一睏, 表示伊和家治 ê 弱點 teh 捙拚了後, Gopal 講: 是, 閣 teh 等 Shaw Tt ê 回應. 閣一改, 她無表示她 ê 愛. 她輕柔唚伊 ê 額頭. 這種感情 ê 表現予 Gopal 受氣, 毋過伊無講啥. 毋過等 Shaw Tt 彼暗離開 ê 時, Gopal 猶是真歡喜.
隔工, Gopal teh 等 Shaw Tt 下班轉來. 伊已經決定, 雙人 ê 關係已經來到一个坎站. 看著她 mo͘h 一袋一袋 ê 日用品辛苦行到門口 ê 時, Gopal tō 敲電話. 伊徛 tī 伊 ê 門口跤坎, 話筒 ê 線袚 tī 一爿肩頭, ná teh 看姻厝和她彼台生鉎 koh 看起來真忝 ê 旅行車, 這予伊強烈 koh 熱烈連想著 Shaw Tt ê 海派生活. Tī 她攑起電話 ê 時, Gopal 險仔 tō 講, "我思念你," 毋過伊煞歹勢, 干焦講, "你今仔日過了按怎?"
"袂䆀," 她講, Gopal 想像她 tī 灶跤 teh 無閒, 收拾拄才買 ê 物件, 囥茶鈷 tī 爐仔頂, tī 灶跤桌仔整理她 ê 批信. 這種顧家 kap 獨立 ê 印象予伊深深感動. "有一个輔導員著癌已經真傷重 ah," 她講, "in 朋友欲為伊辦一个 party, 所以 in 掛一支牌仔, 頂面寫 ‘今隨寄付來回復! Henry 急欲參加這个 party!’" Gopal 和 Shaw Tt 攏笑出來.
"咱來做寡啥," 伊講.
"啥物?"
Gopal 猶未想到遐. 伊想欲做 romantik ê 代誌, 通維持到欲睏 ê 時, án-ne 伊會當迫她留落來過暝. "你欲食暗無?"
"當然," 她講. Gopal 真歡喜. 幾工前, 伊有去燒酒店買酒, 好得有機會 ê 時, 通 kā Shaw Tt 灌醉, 予她睏 tī 伊 ê 身邊.
In ná teh 食伊煮 ê Italia 扁麵 (linguine) ê 時, Gopal 一路 kā Shaw Tt 灌酒. In 坐 tī 灶跤, 毋過伊關掉日光燈, 點蠟燭. 啉到第三杯 ê 時, Gopal 感覺真在膽; 伊 kā 手伸到她 ê 大腿內底面.
"阮老母和老爸," 食到一半 ê 時, Shaw Tt 講, kō͘ 攕仔指向伊, 是彼種酒醉 ê 人勻勻仔 ê 口氣, "予我相信, 人無應該長期蹛做伙." 她 án-ne 講, 是 teh 回應拄才 Gopal ê 暗示, 講, 著做伙生活, 人才會當真正互相了解. "若 hiah-nī 了解一个人, 你定著會失望."
"凡勢彼是因為你無拄著合適 ê 人." Gopal 應, 感覺歹勢歹勢, tī 想欲表現家治脆弱 ê 時, 煞講出這種可能予人感覺聳勢 ê 話.
"我無認為會有合適 ê 人. 對我來講, 無. 欲墜落愛河, 我想, 你袂使有任何懷疑, 我想, 彼我做袂到."
Gopal 好奇, Shaw Tt 敢真正相信她所講 ê, a̍h 是驚透漏無對伊 ê 愛, 會傷害著伊, 才 án-ne 講. 伊停落來, 無 koh 食.
Shaw Tt 金金看伊. 她囥落攕仔, 講, "我愛你. 我愛你對我 ê 關心和你 ê 溫柔."
Gopal 喙 gi 一下. 伊想, 凡勢她彼句話 ê 頭前部份是一个表白 ê 前奏, 因為伊是 hiah-nī 重要, 她肯 kā 伊當做例外. "我 mā 愛你," Gopal 講. "我愛你 ê 詼諧, 聰明, kap 老實. 你實在有夠媠." 伊小可 àⁿ 身, 暗示欲唚她, 毋過 Shaw Tt 無反應.
她 ê 面硬 chiaⁿ. "我愛你," 她 koh 講, Gopal 煞開始緊張. "毋過, 我並無愛著你." 她停落來, 金金看 Gopal.
Gopal 感覺霧 sà-sà. "有啥差別 ah?"
"Teh 戀愛 ê 時, 你袂考慮家治, 因為你完全 teh 愛對方. 我活 siuⁿ 久 ah, 無認為有人 hiah-nī 完美." Gopal 猶是袂明白彼个差別, 毋過伊歹勢 koh 問. 伊 ê 一部份 án-ne 想, 伊趕走某囝予神 án-ne kā 處罰, án-ne 是公平 ê. Ná 可能有人會愛伊 neh?
Shaw Tt kā 伊 ê 手捏 tī 她 ê 手 nih. "我想, 咱雙人著互相小歇睏一下, án-ne 我才袂花去. 和你做伙, 我 mā lú 來 lú 花. 咱攏著 koh 揣別人."
"Oh," Gopal 心肝誠疼, 雖罔伊知影 teh 發生 ê 代誌是合 tī 正義.
"我無欲隱瞞啥物. 我愛你. 我真正愛你. 你是我毋捌拄過, 上善良 ê 愛人."
"Oh."
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8.
Mrs. Shaw opened the door before he could knock. For a moment Gopal did not say anything. She was wearing a denim skirt and a sleeveless white shirt. She smiled at him. Gopal spoke solemnly and from far off. "I love you," he said to her for the first time. "I am sorry I didn't invite you to the fair." He waited a moment for his statement to sink in and for her to respond with a similar endearment. When she did not, he repeated, "I love you."
Then she said, "Thank you," and told him not to worry about the fair. She invited him in. Gopal was confused and flustered by her reticence. He began feeling awkward about his confession. They kissed briefly, and then Gopal went home.
The next night, as they sat together watching TV in his living room, Mrs. Shaw suddenly turned to Gopal and said, "You really do love me, don't you?" Although Gopal had expected the question, he was momentarily disconcerted by it, because it made him wonder what love was and whether he was capable of it. But he did not think that this was the time to quibble over semantics. After being silent long enough to suggest that he was struggling with his vulnerability, Gopal said yes and waited for Mrs. Shaw's response. Again she did not confess her love. She kissed his forehead tenderly. This show of sentiment made Gopal angry, but he said nothing. He was glad, though, when Mrs. Shaw left that night.
The next day Gopal waited for Mrs. Shaw to return home from work. He had decided that the time had come for the next step in their relationship. As soon as he saw her struggle through her doorway, hugging sacks of groceries, Gopal phoned. He stood on the steps to his house, with the extension cord trailing over one shoulder, and looked at her house and at her rusted and exhausted-looking station wagon, which he had begun to associate strongly and warmly with the broad sweep of Mrs. Shaw's life. Gopal nearly said, "I missed you" when she picked up the phone, but he became embarrassed and asked, "How was your day?"
"Fine," she said, and Gopal imagined her moving about the kitchen, putting away whatever she had bought, placing the tea kettle on the stove, and sorting her mail on the kitchen table. This image of domesticity and independence moved him deeply. "There's a guidance counselor who is dying of cancer," she said, "and his friends are having a party for him, and they put up a sign saying 'RSVP with your money now! Henry can't wait for the party!'" Gopal and Mrs. Shaw laughed.
"Let's do something," he said.
"What?"
Gopal had not thought this part out. He wanted to do something romantic that would last until bedtime, so that he could pressure her to spend the night. "Would you like to have dinner?"
"Sure," she said. Gopal was pleased. He had gone to a liquor store a few days earlier and bought wine, just in case he had an opportunity to get Mrs. Shaw drunk and get her to fall asleep beside him.
Gopal plied Mrs. Shaw with wine as they ate the linguine he had cooked. They sat in the kitchen, but he had turned off the fluorescent lights and lit a candle. By the third glass Gopal was feeling very brave; he placed his hand on her inner thigh.
"My mother and father," Mrs. Shaw said halfway through the meal, pointing at him with her fork and speaking with the deliberateness of the drunk, "convinced me that people are not meant to live together for long periods of time." She was speaking in response to Gopal's hint earlier that only over time and through living together could people get to know each other properly. "If you know someone that well, you are bound to be disappointed."
"Maybe that's because you haven't met the right person," Gopal answered, feeling awkward for saying something that could be considered arrogant when he was trying to appear vulnerable.
"I don't think there is a right person. Not for me. To fall in love I think you need a certain suspension of disbelief, which I don't think I am capable of."
Gopal wondered whether Mrs. Shaw believed what she was saying or was trying not to hurt his feelings by revealing that she couldn't love him. He stopped eating.
Mrs. Shaw stared at him. She put her fork down and said, "I love you. I love how you care for me and how gentle you are."
Gopal smiled. Perhaps, he thought, the first part of her statement had been a preface to a confession that he mattered so much that she was willing to make an exception for him. "I love you too," Gopal said. "I love how funny and smart and honest you are. You are very beautiful." He leaned over slightly to suggest that he wanted to kiss her, but Mrs. Shaw did not respond.
Her face was stiff. "I love you," she said again, and Gopal became nervous. "But I am not in love with you." She stopped and stared at Gopal.
Gopal felt confused. "What's the difference?"
"When you are in love, you never think about yourself, because you love the other person so completely. I've lived too long to think anyone is that perfect." Gopal still didn't understand the distinction, but he was too embarrassed to ask more. It was only fair, a part of him thought, that God would punish him this way for driving away his wife and child. How could anyone love him?
Mrs. Shaw took his hands in hers. "I think we should take a little break from each other, so we don't get confused. Being with you, I'm getting confused too. We should see other people."
"Oh." Gopal's chest hurt despite his understanding of the justice of what was happening.
"I don't want to hide anything. I love you. I truly love you. You are the kindest lover I've ever had."
"Oh."
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