2. To̍k-chū chai-iáⁿ che, chin ko͘-toaⁿ
"Oke lah, kau hō͘ góa," i kóng. Ōe kóng kah chin khin, ná chhiūⁿ chin hoaⁿ-hí, m̄-koh góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, che sī i só͘ kóng kòe siōng khùn-lân ê gō͘ ê jī. Góa chiù-chōa, bē koh chek-pī Tem bô-táⁿ. Góa mā o-ló ka-tī, in-ūi góa ti̍t-chiap ùi koaⁿ-thiaⁿ pān-kong-sek cháu khì ūn-hô, in-ūi góa khiā tī sí le̍k ê chúi siōng, in-ūi góa koh chi̍t-kái gán hit-tiuⁿ chóa, in-ūi góa kā liah kah chīn-liōng sè-sè phìⁿ, sui-bóng khí-thâu he tō sī sió-sió chi̍t-phìⁿ niā-niā, in-ūi góa kā phiaⁿ tī ū kang-chhióng khì-bī ê bî-hong nih. Hit-sî, góa jīn-ûi tio̍h án-ne chò, taⁿ, góa chai án-ne chò bô m̄-tio̍h. Tem bô su-iàu hām hit-tiuⁿ chóa seng-oa̍h tī kāng chi̍t-ê chhù-khak-ē.
"Góa bô," góa bêng-pe̍k kā kóng.
"Lí bô?" i chhoán chi̍t-ē khùi, khā tī hoaⁿ-hí kap bē hun-bêng tiong-kan. "Lí sī kóng, lí kái-piàn lí ê..."
Khó-liân ê Tem.
"Góa ū the̍h-tio̍h," góa kóng, bián tán i kóng liáu siuⁿ hn̄g. "Góa ū the̍h-tio̍h, jiân-āu góa kā hiat-tiāu."
I kim-kim khòaⁿ góa, teh tán.
"Góa sī kóng, tán góa kì-tiâu liáu, tong-jiân."
Góa khòaⁿ i teh siau-hong.
"Lín-niâ leh," i kóng. "Chin pháiⁿ-sè, lín-niâ leh."
"Hó lah," góa tông-chêng kóng. "Góa chai lah."
"Lí tong-jiân chai!" i khì phut-phut, lia̍h góa ê ōe. "Lí chai! Lí chai!"
I lia̍h chheⁿ-kông, khì phut-phut, kā góa lia̍h tio̍h, ná khàu, ná phak tī góa ê sin-khu. Góa thoa i iân thiaⁿ-kháu lâi kàu hit-chō kū phòng-í.
Tán i chēng lo̍h-lâi, i piàn ah. Piàn kah hoān-sè hām í-chêng lóng bô kāng ah.
"Kóng hō͘ góa chai," i léng-chēng hā-lēng. I ê siaⁿ sè kah góa kiông boeh thiaⁿ bē tio̍h.
"Lí khak-tēng?" góa mn̄g. Góa ê siaⁿ thiaⁿ tio̍h siuⁿ hiáng, siuⁿ ngē. Tī hit-ê sî-chūn, góa hoat-hiān góa ka-tī, góa tùi boeh-ài chai-iáⁿ ê kian-chhî chhim-chhim hō͘ lâng thó-ià. Góa khòaⁿ bô ka-tī, tō ná-chhiūⁿ Tem ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā khòaⁿ góa bô kāng-khoán. Hut-jiân, ká-ná chin khó-lêng góa í-keng hoān tio̍h tōa chai-lān ah. Hit-chióng chhò-ngō͘ khó-lêng húi-tiāu góa ê āu pòaⁿ sì-lâng.
Tem tìm-thâu, sì-sì chiàⁿ-chiàⁿ siòng góa.
Góa khí kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ; hiah-nī tōa-táⁿ khì tui-kiû tì-sek ê góa, taⁿ soah m̄-káⁿ kóng chhut chi̍t-ê ji̍t-chí.
Tem koh tìm-thâu, khòng-chè hó ka-tī, kan-khó͘ chē-kòa. Kóng hō͘ chai sī góa ê chek-jīm.
"Sì-goe̍h 17..." góa khai-sí kóng, iáu-bōe kóng nî-tō͘.
M̄-koh, góa bōe kóng-liáu, Tem tō hoah-siaⁿ. "Tòng leh!" i tōa kiò, kō͘ chéng-thâu-á that hīⁿ-khang, sit-khì i ê léng-chēng. "Tòng-tiām, tòng-tiām, tòng-tiām! Mài kóng ah! Góa bô-ài thiaⁿ! Bô-ài! Boaih, boaih, boaih!"
"OKE!" Góa kō͘ jiáng ê, tōa-siaⁿ kah thàng-kòe i ê chéng-thâu-á hō͘ i thiaⁿ tio̍h. To̍k-chū chai-iáⁿ chit-ê tì-sek chin ko͘-toaⁿ -- it-ti̍t lóng sī hiah ko͘-toaⁿ. 2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17: góa thâu-náu nih ê chi̍t-ê chhiah-chheⁿ. M̄-koh, he iáu-sī chiàu-siông án-ne. He sī góa ê soán-te̍k. Tem hi-bāng mài ū khan-liân, góa mā bē khì khan-liân i.
He sǹg sī bē-bái ê hòe-siū. Bô-kàu tn̂g -- kám bat ū-kàu? -- m̄-koh í-keng ū-kàu kòe it-seng; ū-kàu chia̍h thâu-lō͘, chhiâⁿ kiáⁿ-jî, hoān-sè koh tú ē-tio̍h chi̍t/nn̄g ê sun. Tong-jiân ū khah sok-té, khah té kòe pêng-kin sò͘; tio̍h, siuⁿ té; m̄-koh mā bē té kah siuⁿ pi-chhám.
Só͘-í, tī kok hong-bīn góa ē-tàng chhiūⁿ jīm-hô kî-thaⁿ ê lâng kāng-khoán kòe seng-oa̍h. Ná chhiūⁿ Tem án-ne. Góa ē-tàng khin-khin sang-sang oa̍h lo̍h, tîm-chùi tī ka-tī ê ū-ê bô-ê, bián khòaⁿ siuⁿ hn̄g, tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ bē-kì-tit lâng lóng tio̍h sí. M̄-koh, nā kóng góa ta̍k-kang lóng kòe kah bô khì siūⁿ tio̍h 2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17, he mā sī pe̍h-chha̍t.
Tī khah chá ê nî-tō͘, múi-kái ê sì-goe̍h tiong-sûn, góa chóng hām-lo̍h chi̍t-ê o͘-sek ê chêng-sū. Góa ē kúi-ā kang tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, phōe-toaⁿ lia̍h tiâu-tiâu, sim-koaⁿ chéng oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. Tem ho̍k-sāi góa chia̍h be̍h-phìⁿ, lim tê. M̄-koh, tán gín-á chhut-sì, góa tō bô sî-kan án-ne théng-sēng ka-tī, góa tō khai-sí kā sì-goe̍h 17 kòe hō͘ khah sè, khah chhin-chhiat. Ē ka-tī bé chi̍t-ê sió lé-mi̍h, chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng chi̍t tiâu o͘-chokolet, a̍h chi̍t-sok chúi-sian hoe. Tòe sî-kan teh kòe, góa ín-chún ka-tī ū sió-khóa khah iù-lō͘ ê oa̍h-tāng -- chi̍t-niá sin saⁿ, tī bó͘ chi̍t-keng an-chēng ê chiú-pa lim ē-tàu sî ê champagne /siam-phén/. Tī sì-goe̍h 17, góa chóng-sī kám-kak chin phok-sóng; góa lâu 25% ê sió-hùi, sàng chi̍t-tiuⁿ 5-kho͘ bí-kim hō͘ góa tú tio̍h ê liû-lōng-hàn. Chîⁿ téng-téng, lán sī chah bē cháu.
- -
2. 獨自知影這, 真孤單
"Oke lah, 交予我," 伊講. 話講甲真輕, 若像真歡喜, 毋過我看會出, 這是伊所講過上困難 ê 五个字. 我咒誓, 袂 koh 責備 Tem 無膽. 我 mā o-ló 家己, 因為我直接 ùi 官廳辦公室走去運河, 因為我徛 tī 死綠 ê 水上, 因為我 koh 一改眼彼張紙, 因為我 kā liah 甲盡量細細片, 雖罔起頭 he 就是小小一片 niā-niā, 因為我 kā 抨 tī 有工廠氣味 ê 微風 nih. 彼時, 我認為著 án-ne 做, 今, 我知 án-ne 做無毋著. Tem 無需要和彼張紙生活 tī 仝一个厝殼下.
"我無," 我明白 kā 講.
"你無?" 伊喘一下氣, khā tī 歡喜 kap 袂分明中間. "你是講, 你改變你 ê..."
可憐 ê Tem.
"我有提著," 我講, 免等伊講了 siuⁿ 遠. "我有提著, 然後我 kā 㧒掉."
伊金金看我, teh 等.
"我是講, 等我記牢了, 當然."
我看伊 teh 消風.
"恁娘 leh," 伊講. "真歹勢, 恁娘 leh."
"好 lah," 我同情講. "我知 lah."
"你當然知!" 伊氣怫怫, 掠我 ê 話. "你知! 你知!"
伊掠青狂, 氣怫怫, kā 我掠著, ná 哭, ná 仆 tī 我 ê 身軀. 我拖伊沿廳口來到彼座舊膨椅.
等伊靜落來, 伊變 ah. 變甲凡勢和以前攏無仝 ah.
"講予我知," 伊冷靜下令. 伊 ê 聲細甲我強欲聽袂著.
"你確定?" 我問. 我 ê 聲聽著 siuⁿ 響, siuⁿ 硬. Tī 彼个時陣, 我發現我家己, 我對欲愛知影 ê 堅持深深予人討厭. 我看無家己, tō 若像 Tem ê 一部份定著 mā 看我無仝款. 忽然, 敢若真可能我已經犯著大災難 ah. 彼種錯誤可能毀掉我 ê 後半世人.
Tem 頕頭, 四四正正相我.
我起驚惶; hiah-nī 大膽去追求智識 ê 我, 今煞毋敢講出一个日子.
Tem koh 頕頭, 控制好家己, 艱苦罪過. 講予知是我 ê 責任.
"四月 17..." 我開始講, 猶未講年度.
毋過, 我未講了, Tem tō 喝聲. "擋 leh!" 伊大叫, kō͘ 指頭仔窒耳空, 失去伊 ê 冷靜. "擋恬, 擋恬, 擋恬! 莫講 ah! 我無愛聽! 無愛! Boaih, boaih, boaih!"
"OKE!" Góa kō͘ 嚷 ê, 大聲甲迵過伊 ê 指頭仔予伊聽著. 獨自知影這个智識真孤單 -- 一直攏是 hiah 孤單. 2043 年四月 17: 我頭腦 nih ê 一个刺青. 毋過, 彼猶是照常 án-ne. 彼是我 ê 選擇. Tem 希望莫有牽連, 我 mā 袂去牽連伊.
彼算是袂䆀 ê 歲壽. 無夠長 -- 敢捌有夠? -- 毋過已經有夠過一生; 有夠食頭路, 晟囝兒, 凡勢 koh 拄會著一兩个孫. 當然有較縮短, 較短過平均數; 著, siuⁿ 短; 毋過 mā 袂短甲 siuⁿ 悲慘.
所以, tī 各方面我會當像任何其他 ê 人仝款過生活. 若像 Tem án-ne. 我會當輕輕鬆鬆活落, 沉醉 tī 家己 ê 有 ê 無 ê, 免看 siuⁿ 遠, 定定袂記得人攏著死. 毋過, 若講我逐工攏過甲無去想著 2043 年四月 17, 彼 mā 是白賊.
Tī 較早 ê 年度, 每改 ê 四月中旬, 我總陷落一个烏色 ê 情緒. 我會幾若工倒 tī 眠床, 被單掠牢牢, 心肝腫 oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. Tem 服侍我食麥片, 啉茶. 毋過, 等囡仔出世, 我 tō 無時間 án-ne 寵倖家己, 我 tō 開始 kā 四月 17 過予較細, 較親切. 會家己買一个小禮物, 親像講一條烏 chokolet, a̍h 一束水仙花. 綴時間 teh 過, 我允准家己有小可較幼路 ê 活動 -- 一領新衫, tī 某一間安靜 ê 酒吧啉下晝時 ê champagne /siam-phén/. Tī 四月 17, 我總是感覺真博爽; 我留 25% ê 小費, 送一張 5 箍美金予我拄著 ê 流浪漢. 錢等等, 咱是扎袂走.
- -
2.
“Okay, lay it on me,” he said. The words were light, almost jovial, but I could tell they were the five hardest words he’d ever uttered. I swore to never again accuse Tem of being less than courageous. And I applauded myself for going straight from the bureaucratic office to the canal, for standing there above the sickly greenish water, for glancing once more at the piece of paper, for tearing it into as many scraps as possible though it was essentially a scrap to begin with, for dropping it into the factory-scented breeze. I’d thought it was the right thing to do, and now I knew it was. Tem should not have to live under the same roof with that piece of paper.
“I don’t have it,” I said brightly.
“You don’t?” he gasped, suspended between joy and confusion. “You mean you changed your — ”
Poor Tem.
“I got it,” I said, before he could go too far down that road. “I got it, and then I got rid of it.”
He stared at me, waiting.
“I mean, after memorizing it, of course.”
I watched him deflate.
“Fuck you,” he said. “I’m sorry, but fuck you.”
“Yeah,” I said sympathetically. “I know.”
“You do know!” he raged, seizing upon the word. “You know! You know!”
He was thrashing about, he was so pissed, he was grabbing me, he was weeping, he half-collapsed upon me. I navigated us down the hallway to the old couch.
When he finally quieted, he was different. Maybe different than he’d ever been.
“Tell me,” he calmly commanded. His voice just at the threshold of my hearing.
“Are you sure?” I said. My voice sounded too loud, too hard. In that moment I found myself, my insistence on knowing, profoundly annoying. I despised myself as part of Tem surely despised me then. Suddenly it seemed quite likely that I’d made a catastrophic error. The kind of error that could ruin the rest of my life.
Tem nodded, gazed evenly at me.
I became wildly scared; I who’d so boldly sought knowledge now did not even dare give voice to a date.
Tem nodded again, controlled, miserable. It was my responsibility to inform him.
“April 17 — ” I began.
But Tem shrieked before I could finish. “Stop!” he cried, shoving his fingers into his ears, his calmness vanished. “Stop stop stop stop! Never mind! I don’t want to know! Don’t! Don’t don’t don’t!”
“OKAY!” I screamed, loud enough that he could hear it through his fingers. It was lonely — ever so lonely — to hold this knowledge alone. April 17, 2043: a tattoo inside my brain. But it was as it should be. It was the choice I had made. Tem wished to be spared, and spare him I would.
It was an okay lifespan. Not enough — is it ever enough? — but enough to have a life; enough to work a job, to raise children, perhaps to meet a grandchild or two. Certainly abbreviated, though; shorter than average; too short, yes; but not tragically short.
And so in many ways I could live a life like any other. Like Tem’s. I could go blithely along, indulging my petty concerns, lacking perspective, frequently forgetting I wasn’t immortal. Yet it would be a lie if I said a single day passed without me thinking about April 17, 2043.
In those early years, I’d sink into a black mood come mid-April. I’d lie in bed for a couple of days, clinging to the sheets, my heart a big swollen wound. Tem would bring me cereal, tea. But after the kids were born I had no time for such self-indulgence, and I began to mark April 17 in smaller, kinder ways. Would buy myself a tiny gift, a bar of dark chocolate or a clutch of daffodils. As time went on, I permitted myself slightly more elaborate gestures — a new dress, an afternoon champagne at some hushed bar. I always felt extravagant on April 17; I’d leave a tip of twenty-five percent, hand out a five-dollar bill to any vagrant who happened to cross my path. You can’t take it with you and all that.
- -
No comments:
Post a Comment