The Knowers /by Helen Phillips
https://electricliterature.com/the-knowers-helen-phillips/
Chai-iáⁿ-chiá | 知影者
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1. Góa siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ
Ū lâng siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ, mā ū lâng bô-ài chai-iáⁿ. Thâu-khí-seng, tī góa kóng góa siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ ê sî, Tem kō͘ i he ké-gâu ê hong-sek chok-lōng góa (tiak góa ê leng-thâu, kō͘ pô-tô tìm góa ê phīⁿ); tán i chai-iáⁿ góa m̄-sī kóng-chhiò, i khai-sí kín-tiuⁿ, tán i khak-tēng góa khak-si̍t hit-ê ì-sù, i ê kín-tiuⁿ piàn-chò khióng-pò͘.
"Ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h?" pòaⁿ-mê i ba̍k-sái lâu ba̍k-sái tih án-ne mn̄g. "Ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h, siáⁿ-mi̍h, siáⁿ-mi̍h?"
Góa bô hoat-tō͘ kā ìn. Góa mā bô tap-àn.
"Che m̄-nā kan-ta lí, lí chai lah," i án-ne mē. "He mā éng-hióng tio̍h góa. Kai-sí, hoān-sè he tùi góa ê éng-hióng khah tōa kòe tùi lí. Góa bô-ài kúi-nā cha̍p nî chē tī hia, teh tán it-seng tiong siōng bái ê ji̍t-chí."
Siū tio̍h kám-tōng, góa tī o͘-àm tiong chhun-chhiú tēⁿ i ê chhiú. I bô-chêng bô-goān tēⁿ tò-tńg chi̍t-ē. Góa kam-goān chhiūⁿ Tem án-ne, chin ê, góa kam-goān! Góa nā chá tō chai-iáⁿ, ū khó-lêng ē-sái chai-iáⁿ, iá mài chai-iáⁿ mā bē án-nóa, án-ne tō chiâⁿ hó. M̄-koh, taⁿ ê kho-ki hiah-nī chìn-pō͘, múi chi̍t-ê kong-bîn kan-ta khai chi̍t-sut-á chîⁿ tō ē-tàng tit-tio̍h hit-ê tì-sek.
Góa teh liú i sàng ê nâ-sek mô͘ tōa-i ê sî, Tem khiā tī mn̂g-kháu, he sī kúi-nî chêng, góa siūⁿ, sī kiat-hun sì-chiu-nî ê lé-mi̍h.
"Góa bô-ài chai-iáⁿ lí boeh khì tó-ūi," i kóng, ba̍k-chiu kim sih-sih.
"Án-ne hó," góa kóng, ná léng-chēng kiám-cha chhiú-thê-pau nih ê só-sî, ba̍k io̍h-chúi. "Góa m̄ kā lí kóng."
"Góa kìm-chí lí lī-khui kong-gū," i kóng.
"Oh, chhin-ài-ê," góa thò͘ chi̍t-kháu khùi. Góa bô siū-khì. "Che m̄-sī lí ê kò-sèng neh."
I ka-lún-sún chi̍t-ē, ùi mn̂g-kháu kiâⁿ khui, niū góa kòe. I phēng tī piah, siang-chhiú sio-lám, kim-kim khòaⁿ góa, ba̍k-chiu tâm-tâm, o͘ sìm-sìm. Hó kioh-siàu ê Tem.
Kiâⁿ chhut-khì liáu, góa thiaⁿ tio̍h koaiⁿ mn̂g-chhòaⁿ ê siaⁿ.
"Án-nóa?" tán góa khui mn̂g-chhòaⁿ, kiâⁿ ji̍p-lâi ê sî, Tem kóng. I khiā tī thiaⁿ-kháu, ba̍k-chiu koh-khah o͘, koh-khah lak-soe. Góa káⁿ siong-sìn, tī góa lī-khui ê 127 hun-cheng nih, i lóng tī hia bô sóa-ūi.
"Sī án-ne," góa chhut-la̍t kā ìn. Góa sêng-jīn góa sim-sîn bē tiāⁿ, m̄-koh góa kī-choa̍t kō͘ góa ê sim-chêng lâi éng-hióng i ê.
"Lí...?" i nauh chi̍t-ē, bô kā būn-tê kóng chhut-lâi.
Góa kán-tan tìm chi̍t-ē thâu. Góa bē kā i kóng hit-ê koaⁿ-thiaⁿ pān-kong-sek, he n̂g piah nā m̄-sī phīⁿ tio̍h chhàu jiō-hiam, tō sī siūⁿ khí-lâi tō sán-seng hit-ê khì-bī. Hō͘ góa tio̍h kiaⁿ ê sī, lán ê kok-ka kō͘ kok-chióng hō͘ lâng ba̍k-hoe ê siat-pī kap ki-su̍t kiâⁿ hiòng bī-lâi, lāu-kū ê ki-chhó͘ kiàn-siat soah tī lán ê kha-ē nōa khì, chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng: jîn-hêng-tō, thih-lō͘, ha̍k-hāu, hām Kàm-lí-chām. M̄-koán án-nóa, Tem éng-oán bē chai-iáⁿ kin-á-ji̍t góa khì ê só͘-chāi, bē chai hit-tâi hiⁿ-hiⁿ kiò, khòaⁿ tio̍h ná-chhiūⁿ sio̍k-hòe ê ATM (niá-chîⁿ-ki) (in kám bē-sái kā chò khah hó leh?), bē chai he khí-pôaⁿ peng-léng ê kim-sio̍k botán, kō͘ he góa su-ji̍p góa ê siā-hōe an-choân hō-má, án-ne chìn-chêng góa tio̍h pâi-tūi chhiau-kòe 45 hun-cheng, tòe tī kî-thaⁿ tit-boeh chiâⁿ-chò Chai-iáⁿ-chiá ê lâng āu-bīn. Goán tiong-kan ū tiām-tiām, kian-tēng ê kek-bēng chêng-kám; tong-jiân m̄-sī kan-ta góa án-ne kám-kak. M̄-koh, tī in lī-khui ki-tâi, kiâⁿ chhut pâng-keng ê sî, góa sió-sim, thiau-kang, piàⁿ-miā pī-bián khì khòaⁿ in ê bīn. Pi-siong? kái-thoat? -- góa bô-ài chai-iáⁿ. Góa pit-su chò góa boeh chò ê tāi-chì. Góa hòⁿ-kî, tī góa àⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ ki-tâi thò͘ chhut hō͘ góa ê chóa-tiâu ê sî, tī góa kā chóa áu hó koh ùi ki-tâi kiâⁿ khui ê sî, góa ê bīn sī seⁿ-chò siáⁿ-khoán?
Tem chhun chhiú chhut-lâi, chéng-thâu-á khui-khui, chhiú-pôaⁿ khu̍h-khu̍h chùn, hoan-gêng góa tńg-lâi.
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1. 我想欲知影
有人想欲知影, mā 有人無愛知影. 頭起先, tī 我講我想欲知影 ê 時, Tem kō͘ 伊 he 假 gâu ê 方式作弄我 (擉我 ê 奶頭, kō͘ 葡萄 tìm 我 ê 鼻); 等伊知影我毋是講笑, 伊開始緊張, 等伊確定我確實彼个意思, 伊 ê 緊張變做恐怖.
"為啥物?" 半暝伊目屎流目屎滴 án-ne 問. "為啥物, 啥物, 啥物?"
我無法度 kā 應. 我 mā 無答案.
"這毋但干焦你, 你知 lah," 伊 án-ne 罵. "彼 mā 影響著我. 該死, 凡勢 he 對我 ê 影響較大過對你. 我無愛幾若十年坐 tī 遐, teh 等一生中上䆀 ê 日子."
受著感動, 我 tī 烏暗中伸手捏伊 ê 手. 伊無情無願捏倒轉一下. 我甘願像 Tem án-ne, 真 ê, 我甘願! 我若早就知影, 有可能會使知影, iá 莫知影 mā 袂按怎, án-ne tō 誠好. 毋過, 今 ê 科技 hiah-nī 進步, 每一个公民干焦開一屑仔錢 tō 會當得著彼个智識.
我 teh 鈕伊送 ê 藍色毛大衣 ê 時, Tem 徛 tī 門口, 彼是幾年前, 我想, 是結婚四週年 ê 禮物.
"我無愛知影你欲去佗位," 伊講, 目睭金爍爍.
"Án-ne 好," 我講, ná 冷靜檢查手提包 nih ê 鎖匙, 目藥水. "我毋 kā 你講."
"我禁止你離開公寓," 伊講.
"Oh, 親愛 ê," 我吐一口氣. 我無受氣. "這毋是你 ê 個性 neh."
伊交懍恂一下, ùi 門口行開, 讓我過. 伊並 tī 壁, 雙手相攬, 金金看我, 目睭澹澹, 烏 sìm-sìm. 好腳數 ê Tem.
行出去了, 我聽著關門閂 ê 聲.
"按怎?" 等我開門閂, 行入來 ê 時, Tem 講. 伊徛 tī 廳口, 目睭閣較烏, 閣較落衰. 我 káⁿ 相信, tī 我離開 ê 127 分鐘 nih, 伊攏 tī 遐無徙位.
"是 án-ne," 我出力 kā 應. 我承認我心神袂定, 毋過我拒絕 kō͘ 我 ê 心情來影響伊 ê.
"你...?" 伊喃一下, 無 kā 問題講出來.
我簡單頕一下頭. 我袂 kā 伊講彼个官廳辦公室, he 黃壁若毋是鼻著臭尿薟, 就是想起來 tō 產生彼个氣味. 予我著驚 ê 是, 咱 ê 國家 kō͘ 各種予人目花 ê 設備 kap 技術行向未來, 老舊 ê 基礎建設煞 tī 咱 ê 跤下爛去, 親像講: 人行道, 鐵路, 學校, 和監理站. 毋管按怎, Tem 永遠袂知影今仔日我去 ê 所在, 袂知彼台 hiⁿ-hiⁿ 叫, 看著若像俗貨 ê ATM (領錢機) (in 敢袂使 kā 做較好 leh?), 袂知 he 齒盤冰冷 ê 金屬 botán, kō͘ he 我輸入我 ê 社會安全號碼, án-ne 進前我著排隊超過 45 分鐘, 綴 tī 其他得欲成做 "知影者" ê 人後面. 阮中間有恬恬, 堅定 ê 革命情感; 當然毋是干焦我 án-ne 感覺. 毋過, tī in 離開機台, 行出房間 ê 時, 我小心, 刁工, 拚命避免去看 in ê 面. 悲傷? 解脫? -- 我無愛知影. 我必須做我欲做 ê 代誌. 我好奇, tī 我 àⁿ 頭看機台吐出予我 ê 紙條 ê 時, tī 我 kā 紙拗好 koh ùi 機台行開 ê 時, 我 ê 面是生做啥款?
Tem 伸手出來, 指頭仔開開, 手盤 khu̍h-khu̍h 顫, 歡迎我轉來.
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1.
There are those who wish to know, and there are those who don’t wish to know. At first Tem made fun of me in that condescending way of his (a flick of my nipple, a grape tossed at my nose) when I claimed to be among the former; when he realized I meant it, he grew anxious, and when he realized I really did mean it, his anxiety morphed into terror.
“Why?” he demanded tearfully in the middle of the night. “Why why why?”
I couldn’t answer. I had no answer.
“This isn’t only about you, you know,” he scolded. “It affects me too. Hell, maybe it affects me more than it affects you. I don’t want to sit around for a bunch of decades awaiting the worst day of my life.”
Touched, I reached out to squeeze his hand in the dark. Grudgingly, he squeezed back. I would have preferred to be like Tem, of course I would have! If only I could have known it was possible to know and still have been fine with ignorance. But now that the technology had been mastered, the knowledge was available to every citizen for a nominal fee.
Tem stood in the doorway as I buttoned the blue wool coat he’d given me for, I think, our four-year anniversary a couple years back.
“I don’t want to know where you’re going,” he said. He glared.
“Fine,” I said, matter-of-factly checking my purse for my keys, my eye-drops. “I won’t tell you.”
“I forbid you to leave this apartment,” he said.
“Oh honey,” I sighed. I did feel bad. “That’s just not in your character.”
With a tremor, he fell away from the doorway to let me pass. He slouched against the wall, arms crossed, staring at me, his eyes wet and so very dark. Splendid Tem.
After I stepped out, I heard the deadbolt sliding into place.
“So?” Tem said when I unlocked the deadbolt, stepped back inside. He was standing right there in the hallway, his eyes darker than ever, his slouch more pronounced. I was willing to believe he hadn’t moved in the 127 minutes I’d been gone.
“So,” I replied forcefully. I was shaken, I’ll admit it, but I refused to shake him with my shakenness.
“You …?” He mouthed the question more than spoke it.
I nodded curtly. No way was I going to tell him about the bureaucratic office with its pale yellow walls that either smelled like urine or brought it so strongly to mind that one’s own associations created the odor. It never ceases to amaze me that, even as our country forges into the future with ever more bedazzling devices and technologies, the archaic infrastructure rots away beneath our feet, the pavement and the rails, the schools and the DMV. In any case: Tem would not know, today or ever, about the place I’d gone, about the humming machine that looked like a low-budget ATM (could they really do no better?), about the chilly metal buttons of the keypad into which I punched my social security number after waiting in line for over forty-five minutes behind other soon-to-be Knowers. There was a silent, grim camaraderie among us; surely I was not the only one who felt it. Yet carefully, deliberately, desperately, I avoided looking at their faces as they stepped away from the machine and exited the room. Grief, relief — I didn’t want to know. I had to do what I’d come to do. And what did my face look like, I wonder, as I glanced down at the paper the slot spat out at me, as I folded it up and stepped away from the machine?
Tem held his hand out, his fingers spread wide, his palm quivering but receptive.
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