2. Yi chhùi kā ân-ân, piàⁿ-miā hoán-khòng
Tāng to bô tāng. Sīm-chì yi ê piáu-chêng mā bô piàn-hòa. M̄-koh, yi chhoán-khùi lú lâi lú kín. Chū án-ne, chiàn-tàu khai-sí, góa tio̍h án-ne chò. Ūi tio̍h pó-hō͘ yi, góa tio̍h ū yi ê nâ-âu pôe-ióng. M̄-koh, góa seng kā pē-bú kóng, che oân-choân iû in koat-tēng. Góa kái-soeh hit-ê hong-hiám, m̄-koh góa kóng, chí-iàu in goān-ì taⁿ chek-jīm, góa bē kian-chhî chò kiám-cha.
Lí nā m̄ thiaⁿ sin-seⁿ kóng, lí tio̍h khì pēⁿ-īⁿ, lāu-bú án-ne giâm-lē kā yi kéng-kò.
Sī án-ne oh? Góa ka-tī khí ài-chhiò. Chóng-kóng, góa í-keng ài tio̍h chit-ê iá-bân ê sió-kiáⁿ, yin pē-bú tian-tò hō͘ góa tò-tōaⁿ. Tī koh-lâi ê chhia-piàⁿ tiong-kan, in lú lâi lú bô-hāu, lú sit-pāi, lú thiám-thâu, in chă-kiáⁿ in-ūi sim-lāi kiaⁿ góa, tong-jiân tō piàⁿ-miā lia̍h-kông kàu chòe-koân ê thêng-tō͘.
Lāu-pē í-keng chīn-la̍t ah, i seⁿ-chò tōa-chhāi, m̄-koh in-ūi he sī in chă-kiáⁿ, i tùi yi ê hêng-ûi kiàn-siàu, iū kiaⁿ siong tio̍h yi, tī kúi-kái góa hiám-á sêng-kong ê koan-kiān sî-khek, i soah pàng khui yi, pìⁿ kah góa siūⁿ boeh kā thâi. M̄-koh, i mā kiaⁿ yi tio̍h pe̍h-âu, tō kiò góa kè-sio̍k, kè-sio̍k, sui-bóng i ka-tī kiông boeh hūn-tó, iá hit-ê lāu-bú tī goán āu-bīn lâi-lâi khì-khì, chhiú liâm-mi gia̍h liâm-mi pàng, kui-bīn ê iu-chhiû.
Kā khǹg tī lí ê kha-thâu-u, góa bēng-lēng, kā yi siang-chhiú lia̍h tio̍h.
M̄-koh, i tú án-ne chò, gín-á sûi tōa-siaⁿ ki. Mài án-ne, góa ē thiàⁿ. Pàng khui góa ê chhiú. Góa kiò lí, kă pàng khui. Jiân-āu yi iū khióng-pò͘ koh sit-sim tōa-siaⁿ kiò. Tòng-tiām! Tòng-tiām! Lí boeh hāi sí góa!
Sin-seⁿ, lí khòaⁿ yi kám ē-kham-tit! lāu-bú kóng.
Lí chhut-khì, ang kā in bó͘ kóng. Lí ài yi tio̍h pe̍h-âu sí sioh?
Taⁿ koh lâi, kā lia̍h tio̍h, góa kóng.
Jiân-āu góa kō͘ tò-chhiú lia̍h gín-á ê thâu, chhì boeh kā chhâ ê chi̍h-ah sat ji̍p yi ê chhùi-khí tiong-kan. Yi chhùi kā ân-ân, piàⁿ-miā hoán-khòng! Taⁿ góa mā hóe-to̍h ah -- tùi chi̍t-ê gín-á. Góa chīn-la̍t khòng-chè ka-tī ê chêng-sū, m̄-koh chò bē-kàu. Góa chai-iáⁿ án-nóa hō͘ lâng peh-chhùi thang kiám-cha. Góa chīn góa ê lêng-le̍k. Lo̍h-bóe, góa kā chi̍h-ah chhun kàu siōng āu-bīn ê chhùi-khí, ùi hia kā thâu-chat long ji̍p chhùi-khang, yi chhùi sió khui chi̍t-ē, m̄-koh góa iáu-bōe khòaⁿ tio̍h siáⁿ, yi tō koh ha̍p-chhùi, góa bē-hù thiu chhut-lâi, chhâ-phìⁿ í-keng hō͘ yi ê tōa-chan kā kah phòa kê-kê.
Lí bē kiàn-siàu ah? lāu-bú tōa-siaⁿ tùi yi hoah. Tī sin-seⁿ bīn-chêng án-ne chò, lí bē kiàn-siàu ah?
Hō͘ góa chi̍t-ki pèⁿ khah iu ê thng-sî-á, góa tùi lāu-bú kóng. Lán tio̍h kō͘ che kā oân-sêng. Gín-á ê chhùi í-keng teh lâu-hoeh. Yi ê chi̍h phòa-khang, ti̍t-ti̍t teh sit-sim tōa-siaⁿ ki. Hoān-sè góa thâu-seng tō eng-kai pàng-chhiú, kòe chi̍t/nn̄g tiám-cheng chiah koh-lâi. Tong-jiân án-ne ē khah hó. M̄-koh, góa í-keng khòaⁿ kòe siōng-chió nn̄g-ê kāng-khoán chêng-hêng ê gín-á, in-ūi bô tit-tio̍h tī-liâu, sí tī bîn-chhn̂g, góa kám-kak taⁿ góa tio̍h kā chín-toàn, nā bô tō bô ki-hōe. Góa koh tāng-chhiú ah. Siōng pháiⁿ pháng ê sī, góa ka-tī mā sit-khì lí-tì ah. Góa khì-náu kah siūⁿ boeh kā gín-á thiah-chia̍h lo̍h-pak. Tùi yi chìn-kong sī chi̍t-chióng lo̍k-thiòng. Góa ê bīn hèng kah sio hōng-hōng.
Tī chit-chióng chêng-hêng, lâng-lâng ē tùi ka-tī kóng, chit-ê khó-òⁿ ê sió-kiáⁿ sui-jiân bû-ti, mā su-iàu kā pó-hō͘. Mā tio̍h pó-hō͘ pa̍t-lâng mài hō͘ yi òe tio̍h. Che sī siā-hōe ê su-iàu. Chiah-ê lóng bô m̄-tio̍h. M̄-koh, bo̍k-bêng ê hùn-nō͘, tōa-lâng ê kiàn-siàu kám-kak, kap kî-thāi boeh tháu-pàng kin-bah ê khùi-la̍t, chiah sī chin-chiàⁿ ê tiōng-tiám.
Chòe-āu chi̍t-pái ê chhia-piàⁿ, lia̍h tiâu gín-á ê ām-kún hām ē-hâi. Góa tōa-la̍t kā tāng hoaiⁿh-hoaiⁿh ê gîn thng-sî ùi yi chhùi-khí āu tōng ji̍p, lo̍h nâ-âu, kàu yi kéⁿ tio̍h. Khòaⁿ tio̍h ah -- nn̄g-ê píⁿ-thô-sòaⁿ lóng khàm chi̍t-iân mo̍͘h. Yi it-tit piàⁿ-miā m̄ hō͘ góa chai yi ê pì-bi̍t. Nâ-âu thiàⁿ chit-ê pì-bi̍t yi siōng-bô í-keng am-khàm saⁿ-kang, khi-phiàn yin pē-bú, ūi-tio̍h tô-pī chit-ê kiat-kio̍k.
Taⁿ yi chin-chiàⁿ sī khì phut-phut ah. Tú-chiah yi teh hông-siú, taⁿ yi boeh chìn-kong ah. Sit-pāi ê ba̍k-sái im kah ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ bô, yi chhì boeh liòng lo̍h lāu-pē ê kha-thúi, boeh chhiong hiòng góa.
(Soah)
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2. 她喙咬絚絚, 拚命反抗!
動 to 無動. 甚至她 ê 表情 mā 無變化. 毋過, 她喘氣愈來愈緊. 自 án-ne, 戰鬥開始, 我著 án-ne 做. 為著保護她, 我著有她 ê 嚨喉培養. 毋過, 我先 kā 爸母講, 這完全由 in 決定. 我解說彼个風險, 毋過我講, 只要 in 願意擔責任, 我袂堅持做檢查.
你若毋聽先生講, 你著去病院, 老母 án-ne 嚴厲 kā 她警告.
是 án-ne oh? 我家己起愛笑. 總講, 我已經愛著這个野蠻 ê 小囝, 姻爸母顛倒予我倒彈. Tī 閣來 ê 捙拚中間, in 愈來愈無效, 愈失敗, 愈忝頭, in chă 囝因為心內驚我, 當然 tō 拚命掠狂到最懸 ê 程度.
老爸已經盡力 ah, 伊生做大 chhāi, 毋過因為彼是 in chă 囝, 伊對她 ê 行為見笑, 又驚傷著她, tī 幾改我險仔成功 ê 關鍵時刻, 伊煞放開她, pìⁿ 甲我想欲 kā 刣. 毋過, 伊 mā 驚她著白喉, tō 叫我繼續, 繼續, 雖罔伊家己強欲昏倒, 也彼个老母 tī 阮後面來來去去, 手連鞭攑連鞭放, 規面 ê 憂愁.
Kā 囥 tī 你 ê 跤頭趺, 我命令, kā 她雙手掠著.
毋過, 伊拄 án-ne 做, 囡仔隨大聲吱. 莫 án-ne, 我會疼. 放開我 ê 手. 我叫你, kă 放開. 然後她又恐怖 koh 失心大聲叫. 擋恬! 擋恬! 你欲害死我!
先生, 你看她敢會堪得! 老母講.
你出去, 翁 kā in 某講. 你愛她著白喉死 sioh?
今閣來, kā 掠著, 我講.
然後我 kō͘ 倒手掠囡仔 ê 頭, 試欲 kā 柴 ê 舌壓塞入她 ê 喙齒中間. 她喙咬絚絚, 拚命反抗! 今我 mā 火 to̍h ah -- 對一个囡仔. 我盡力控制家己 ê 情緒, 毋過做袂到. 我知影按怎予人擘喙通檢查. 我盡我 ê 能力. 落尾, 我 kā 舌壓伸到上後面 ê 喙齒, ùi 遐 kā 頭節 long 入喙空, 她喙小開一下, 毋過我猶未看著啥, 她 tō koh 合喙, 我袂赴抽出來, 柴片已經予她 ê 大齻咬甲破 kê-kê.
你袂見笑 ah? 老母大聲對她喝. Tī 先生面前 án-ne 做, 你袂見笑 ah?
予我一支柄較 iu ê 湯匙仔, 我對老母講. 咱著 kō͘ 這 kā 完成. 囡仔 ê 喙已經 teh 流血. 她 ê 舌破空, 直直 teh 失心大聲吱. 凡勢我頭先 tō 應該放手, 過一兩點鐘才閣來. 當然 án-ne 會較好. 毋過, 我已經看過上少兩个仝款情形 ê 囡仔, 因為無得著治療, 死 tī 眠床, 我感覺今我著 kā 診斷, 若無 tō 無機會. 我 koh 動手 ah. 上歹紡 ê 是, 我家己 mā 失去理智 ah. 我氣惱甲想欲 kā 囡仔拆食落腹. 對她進攻是一種樂暢. 我 ê 面興甲燒烘烘.
Tī 這種情形, 人人會對家己講, 這个可惡 ê 小囝雖然無知, mā 需要 kā 保護. Mā 著保護別人莫予她穢著. 這是社會 ê 需要. Chiah-ê 攏無毋著. 毋過, 莫名 ê 憤怒, 大人 ê 見笑感覺, kap 期待欲敨放筋肉 ê 氣力, 才是真正 ê 重點.
最後一擺 ê 捙拚, 掠牢囡仔 ê 頷頸和下頦. 我大力 kā 重 hoaiⁿh-hoaiⁿh ê 銀湯匙 ùi 她喙齒後撞入, 落嚨喉, 到她哽著. 看著 ah -- 兩个扁桃腺攏崁一沿膜. 她一直拚命毋予我知她 ê 祕密. 嚨喉疼這个祕密她上無已經掩崁三工, 欺騙姻爸母, 為著逃避這个結局.
今她真正是氣怫怫 ah. 拄才她 teh 防守, 今她欲進攻 ah. 失敗 ê 目屎淹甲目睭看無, 她試欲躘落老爸 ê 跤腿, 欲衝向我.
(煞)
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2.
Not a move. Even her expression hadn't changed. Her breaths however were coming faster and faster. Then the battle began I had to do it. I had to have a throat culture for her own protection. But first I told the parents that it was entirely up to them. I explained the danger but said I would not insist on an examination so long as they would take the responsibility.
If you don't do what the doctor says you'll have to go to the hospital, the mother admonished her severely.
Oh yeah? I had to smile to myself. After all, I had already fallen in love with the savage brat, the parents were contempable to me. In the ensuing struggle they grew more and more abject, crushed, exhausted while she surely rose to magnificent heights of insane fury of effort bred of her terror of me.
The father tried his best, and he was a big man but the fact that she was his daughter, his shame at her behavior and his dread of hurting her made him release her just at the critical moment several times when I almost had achieved success, till I wanted to kill him. But his dread also that she might have diphtheria made him tell me to go on, go on though he himself was almost fainting, while the mother moved back and forth behind us raising and lowering her hands in an agony of apprehension.
Put her in front of you on your lap, I ordered, and hold both her wrists.
But as soon as he did the child let out a scream. Don't, you're hurting me. Let go of my hands. Let them go I tell you. Then she shrieked terrifyingly, hysterically. Stop it! Stop it! You re killing me!
Do you think she can stand it, doctor! said the mother.
You get out, said the husband to his wife. Do you want her to die of diphtheria?
Come on now, hold her, I said.
Then I grasped the child's head with my left hand and tried to get the wooden tongue depressor between her teeth. She fought, with clenched teeth, desperately! But now I also had grown furious - at a child. I tried to hold myself down but I couldn't. I know how to expose a throat for inspection. And I did my best. When finally I got the wooden spatula behind the last teeth and just the point of it into the mouth cavity, she opened up for an instant but before I could see anything she came down again and gripping the wooden blade between her molars she reduced it to splinters before I could get it out again.
Aren't you ashamed, the mother yelled at her. Aren't you ashamed to act like that in front of the doctor?
Get me a smooth-handled spoon of some sort, I told the mother. We're going through with this. The child's mouth was already bleeding. Her tongue was cut and she was screaming in wild hysterical shrieks. Perhaps I should have desisted and come back in an hour or more. No doubt it would have been better. But I have seen at least two children lying dead in bed of neglect in such cases, and feeling that I must get a diagnosis now or never. I went at it again. But the worst of it was that I too had got beyond reason. I could have torn the child apart in my own fury and enjoyed it. It was a pleasure to attack her. My face was burning with it.
The damned little brat must be protected against her own idiocy, one says to one's self at such times. Others must be protected against her. It is social necessity. And all these things are true. But a blind fury, a feeling of adult shame, bred of a longing for muscular release are the operatives. One goes on to the end.
In a final unreasoning assault I overpowered the child's neck and jaws. I forced the heavy silver spoon back of her teeth and down her throat till she gagged. And there it was - both tonsils covered with membrane. She had fought valiantly to keep me from knowing her secret. She had been hiding that sore throat for three days at least and lying to her parents in order to escape just such an outcome as this.
Now truly she was furious. She had been on the defensive before but now she attacked. Tried to get off her father's lap and fly at me while tears of defeat blinded her eyes.
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//
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