C28b 咱 ê 囡仔是國家 ê

2. Lán ê gín-á sī Kok-ka ê

Kî-thaⁿ ê lí-kheh būn-būn khòaⁿ i. Hit-ê in kiáⁿ tī chiàn-cheng tē-it kang tō khì chiân-sòaⁿ ê lâng thó͘-khùi kóng: "Lí bô m̄-tio̍h, Lán ê gín-á m̄-sī lán ê, in sī kok-ka ê..."

"Hô͘-soat," tōa-kho͘ lí-kheh hoán-pok. "Teh chè-chō gín-á ê sî lán kám ū siūⁿ tio̍h kok-ka? Lán ê gín-á chhut-sì, sī in-ūi... hmh, in-ūi in tio̍h ài lâi chhut-sì, in ê sèⁿ-miā hâm-tài tio̍h lán ê sèⁿ-miā. Che sī sū-si̍t. Lán sī in ê, iá in chiông-lâi m̄-sī lán ê. Kàu 20 hòe, in tō ná-chhiūⁿ 20 hòe hit-sî ê lán. Hit-sî lán mā ū pē ū bú, mā ū kài chē chióng-chióng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ... chhit-á, hun, hoàn-sióng, sin nekutái... tong-jiân iáu ū Kok-ka, lán nā í-keng 20, i ê tiàu-chi̍p lán tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē chiap-siū -- sīm-chì sui-bóng pē-bú bô án-ne siūⁿ. Kàu taⁿ chit-ê nî-kí, lán tùi Kok-ka ê ài tong-jiân iáu-sī chin tōa, m̄-koh tùi gín-á ê ài soah koh-khah tōa. Tī chia, nā chò ē-kàu, kám ū lâng bē hoaⁿ-hí thè in kiáⁿ khì chiân-sòaⁿ?"

Sì-kho͘-liàn-tńg tiām chiù-chiù, ta̍k-lâng lóng tìm-thâu piáu-sī chàn-sêng.

"Nā án-ne," tōa-kho͘-ê kè-sio̍k kóng, "sī án-nóa lán tio̍h khó-lī lán ê gín-á 20 hòe ê sî ê siūⁿ-hoat? Kám m̄-sī chin chū-jiân, tī hit-ê nî-hòe in ē kám-kak tùi Kok-ka ê ài (tong-jiân góa sī kóng chèng-phài ê cha-po͘ gín-á) khah tōa kòe tùi lán ê ài? Kám m̄-sī chin chū-jiân, tāi-chì tō sī án-ne, in chóng tio̍h kā lán khòaⁿ chò lāu cha-po͘, í-keng kiâⁿ bē-tāng, tio̍h lâu tī chhù? Kok-ka nā chhin-chhiūⁿ pháng án-ne, sī ta̍k-lâng lóng tio̍h chia̍h chiah bē iau sí ê chū-jiân su-kiû, he tio̍h su-iàu ū lâng khì kā pó-hō͘. Chū án-ne, lán ê kiáⁿ khì, in 20 hòe ah, in bô ài ba̍k-sái, in-ūi in nā sí, sí kah kong-êng koh hoaⁿ-hí (tong-jiân, góa sī kóng chèng-phài ê cha-po͘ gín-á). Taⁿ, chi̍t-ê lâng nā sí tī siàu-liân sî koh hoaⁿ-hí, bô sèⁿ-miā ê o͘-àm bīn, bô seng-oa̍h ê ut-būn, pi-phí, bô hoàn-biat ê khó͘-siap... lán iáu ē-tàng tùi i iau-kiû siáⁿ ah? Ta̍k-ê lóng tio̍h mài khàu; ta̍k-ê lóng tio̍h chhiò, chhiūⁿ góa án-ne... a̍h sī, siōng-bô tio̍h kám-siā Sîn -- chhiūⁿ góa án-ne -- in-ūi goán kiáⁿ tī sí chìn-chêng, siá chi̍t-ê sìn-sit hō͘ góa, kóng i sí kah chin móa-ì, sī chiàu i ê hi-bāng, kō͘ siōng-hó ê hong-sek kiat-sok i ê sèⁿ-miā. In-ūi án-ne, lí khòaⁿ, góa bô tòa-hà..."

I kā hit-niá chhián tê-sek ê tōa-i lāng chi̍t-ē hông khòaⁿ; i he khàm tī kiám nn̄g-ki thâu-chêng khí ê o͘-lái sek chhùi-tûn teh chùn, i ê ba̍k-chiu tâm-tâm, sí-sí bô tāng, chi̍t-ē-á liáu, i sûi pàng-siaⁿ tōa chhiò, he goân-pún ū khó-lêng sī thî-khàu...

"Bô m̄-tio̍h... bô m̄-tio̍h..." pa̍t-lâng lóng tông-ì.

Hit-ê cha-bó͘, pau tōa-i chē tī kak-á teh thiaⁿ, kòe-khì saⁿ kò goe̍h yi it-tit chhì boeh ùi yin ang hām yin pêng-iú hia, chhōe ōe thang an-ùi yi chhim-chhim ê pi-siong, chhōe mi̍h-kiāⁿ thang chi-chhî lāu-bú tio̍h án-nóa niū-pō͘, hó-thang kā kiáⁿ, mài kóng sàng khì sí, kan-ta sī sàng khì tùi sèⁿ-miā khó-lêng ū hûi-hiám ê só͘-chāi. M̄-koh ùi hiah chē ōe tiong-kan, yi bô thiaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-kù... yi ê pi-siong oa̍t-lú tōa -- yi án-ne siūⁿ -- in-ūi yi bô khòaⁿ-e ū-lâng ē-tàng pun-pheⁿ yi ê kám-siū.

M̄-koh, taⁿ, chit-ê lí-kheh ê ōe ín-khí yi chù-ì, sīm-chì hō͘ yi tio̍h-kiaⁿ. Hut-jiân-kan yi lí-kái, m̄-sī pa̍t-lâng m̄-tio̍h, bô liáu-kái yi, sī yi ka-tī bô hoat-tō͘ peh kàu hiah-ê goān-ì niū-pō͘ ê pē-bú ê hit-ê koân-tō͘, in bô khàu, m̄-nā tī kiáⁿ-jî lī-khui ê sî, sīm-chì tī gín-á sí-bông ê sî.

Yi taⁿ-thâu, ùi yi hit-ê kak-lo̍h àⁿ-io chù-ì thiaⁿ, thiaⁿ hit-ê tōa-kho͘ lâng kóng hō͘ kî-thaⁿ lí-kheh thiaⁿ ê sè-chiat, in kiáⁿ sī án-nóa ūi Kok-ông, ūi Kok-ka ná eng-hiông án-ne tó-lo̍h, hoaⁿ-hí, bô hiō-hóe. Chāi yi khòaⁿ, yi ká-ná chông-ji̍p chi̍t-ê m̄-bat bāng kòe ê sè-kài, chi̍t-ê yi chiâⁿ chheⁿ-so͘ ê sè-kài, yi chin hoaⁿ-hí thiaⁿ tio̍h ta̍k-ê lóng chiok-hok hit-ê ióng-kám ê lāu-pē, i ū hoat-tō͘ hiah tìn-chēng kóng khí in kiáⁿ ê sí-bông.

Jiân-āu, hut-jiân-kan, bē-su yi bô thiaⁿ lâng tú-chiah kóng ê ōe kāng-khoán, bē-su yi tú-tú ùi bāng tiong chhéⁿ lâi, yi oa̍t-thâu hiòng hit-ê lāu-lâng, mn̄g i:

"Án-ne... lín kiáⁿ chèng-keng sí khì ah sioh?"

Ta̍k-lâng lóng lia̍h yi khòaⁿ. Lāu-lâng mā oa̍t-sin khòaⁿ yi, kō͘ i he tōa koh phok, ba̍k-kîⁿ tâm kô͘-kô͘ ê pe̍h-phú ba̍k-chiu kim-kim siòng yi ê bīn. Ū chi̍t-khùn, i chhì boeh kā ìn, m̄-koh chhōe bô ōe. I lia̍h yi siòng koh siòng, chha-put-to ká-ná tú-tú tī hit-ê sî-chūn -- tú tio̍h hit-ê sam-pat koh bô sek-tòng ê būn-tê -- i chiah hut-jiân ì-sek tio̍h in kiáⁿ chin-chiàⁿ sí khì -- éng-oán, éng-oán bô--khì ah. I ê bīn kiù-kin, piàn kah oai-ko koh khó-phà, chū án-ne, i kín ùi lak-tē-á the̍h-chhut chi̍t-tiâu chhiú-kin, hō͘ chiòng-lâng siūⁿ bē-kàu, i piàng-chhut pi-chhám, koah-sim, khòng-chè bē-tiâu ê thî-khàu.

(Soah)

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2. 咱 ê 囡仔是國家 ê

其他 ê 旅客悶悶看伊. 彼个 in 囝 tī 戰爭第一工 tō 去前線 ê 人吐氣講: "你無毋著, 咱 ê 囡仔毋是咱 ê, in 是國家 ê..."

"胡說," 大箍旅客反駁. "Teh 製造囡仔 ê 時咱敢有想著國家? 咱 ê 囡仔出世, 是因為... hmh, 因為 in 著愛來出世, in ê 性命含帶著咱 ê 性命. 這是事實. 咱是 in ê, iá in 從來毋是咱 ê. 到 20 歲, in tō 若像 20 歲彼時 ê 咱. 彼時咱 mā 有爸有母, mā 有蓋濟種種 ê 物件... 姼仔, 薰, 幻想, 新 nekutái... 當然猶有國家, 咱若已經 20, 伊 ê 召集咱定著會接受 -- 甚至雖罔爸母無 án-ne 想. 到今這个年紀, 咱對國家 ê 愛當然猶是真大, 毋過對囡仔 ê 愛煞閣較大. Tī 遮, 若做會到, 敢有人袂歡喜替 in 囝去前線?"

四箍輾轉恬 chiù-chiù, 逐人攏頕頭表示贊成.

"若 án-ne," 大箍 ê 繼續講, "是按怎咱著考慮咱 ê 囡仔 20 歲 ê 時 ê 想法? 敢毋是真自然, tī 彼个年歲 in 會感覺對國家 ê 愛 (當然我是講正派 ê 查埔囡仔) 較大過對咱 ê 愛? 敢毋是真自然, 代誌 tō 是 án-ne, in 總著 kā 咱看做老查埔, 已經行袂動, 著留 tī 厝? 國家若親像 pháng án-ne, 是逐人攏著食才袂枵死 ê 自然需求, 彼著需要有人去 kā 保護. 自 án-ne, 咱 ê 囝去, in 20 歲 ah, in 無愛目屎, 因為 in 若死, 死甲光榮 koh 歡喜 (當然, 我是講正派 ê 查埔囡仔). 今, 一个人若死 tī 少年時 koh 歡喜, 無性命 ê 烏暗面, 無生活 ê 鬱悶, 卑鄙, 無幻滅 ê 苦澀... 咱猶會當對伊要求啥 ah? 逐个攏著莫哭; 逐个攏著笑, 像我 án-ne... a̍h 是, 上無著感謝神 -- 像我 án-ne -- 因為阮囝 tī 死進前, 寫一个信息予我, 講伊死甲真滿意, 是照伊 ê 希望, kō͘ 上好 ê 方式結束伊 ê 性命. 因為 án-ne, 你看, 我無帶孝..."

伊 kā 彼領淺茶色 ê 大衣弄一下 hông 看; 伊彼崁 tī 減兩支頭前齒 ê o͘-lái 色喙唇 teh 顫, 伊 ê 目睭澹澹, 死死無動, 一下仔了, 伊隨放聲大笑, 彼原本有可能是啼哭...

"無毋著... 無毋著..." 別人攏同意.

彼个查某, 包大衣坐 tī 角仔 teh 聽, 過去三個月她一直試欲 ùi 姻翁和姻朋友遐, 揣話通安慰她深深 ê 悲傷, 揣物件通支持老母著按怎讓步, 好通 kā 囝, 莫講送去死, 干焦是送去對性命可能有危險 ê 所在. 毋過 ùi hiah 濟話中間, 她無聽著一句... 她 ê 悲傷越愈大 -- 她 án-ne 想 -- 因為她無看 e 有人會當分伻她 ê 感受.

毋過, 今, 這个旅客 ê 話引起她注意, 甚至予她著驚. 忽然間她理解, 毋是別人毋著, 無了解她, 是她家己無法度 peh 到 hiah-ê 願意讓步 ê 爸母 ê 彼个懸度, in 無哭, 毋但 tī 囝兒離開 ê 時, 甚至 tī 囡仔死亡 ê 時.

她 taⁿ 頭, ùi 她彼个角落 àⁿ 腰注意聽, 聽彼个大箍人講予其他旅客聽 ê 細節, in 囝是按怎為國王, 為國家 ná 英雄 án-ne 倒落, 歡喜, 無後悔. 在她看, 她敢若傱入一个毋捌夢過 ê 世界, 一个她誠生疏 ê 世界, 她真歡喜聽著逐个攏祝福彼个勇敢 ê 老爸, 伊有法度 hiah 鎮靜講起 in 囝 ê 死亡.

然後, 忽然間, 袂輸她無聽人拄才講 ê 話仝款, 袂輸她拄拄 ùi 夢中醒來, 她越頭向彼个老人, 問伊:

"Án-ne... 恁囝正經死去 ah sioh?"

逐人攏掠她看. 老人 mā 越身看她, kō͘ 伊彼大 koh phok, 目墘澹糊糊 ê 白殕目睭金金相她 ê 面. 有一睏, 伊試欲 kā 應, 毋過揣無話. 伊掠她相 koh 相, 差不多敢若拄拄 tī 彼个時陣 -- 拄著彼个三八 koh 無適當 ê 問題 -- 伊才忽然意識著 in 囝真正死去 -- 永遠, 永遠無--去 ah. 伊 ê 面糾筋, 變甲歪哥 koh 可怕, 自 án-ne, 伊緊 ùi 橐袋仔提出一條手巾, 予眾人想袂到, 伊迸出悲慘, 割心, 控制袂牢 ê 啼哭.

(煞)

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2.

The other travelers stared at him in distress.  The one who had had his son at the front since the first day of the war sighed:  “You are right.  Our children do not belong to us, they belong to the country…”

“Bosh,” retorted the fat traveler.  “Do we think of the country when we give life to our children?  Our sons are born because…well, because they must be born and when they come to life they take our own life with them.  This is the truth.  We belong to them but they never belong to us.  And when they reach twenty they are exactly what we were at their age.  We too had a father and mother, but there were so many other things as well…girls, cigarettes, illusions, new ties…and the Country, of course, whose call we would have answered—when we were twenty—even if father and mother had said no.  Now, at our age, the love of our Country is still great, of course, but stronger than it is the love of our children.  Is there any one of us here who wouldn’t gladly take his son’s place at the front if he could?”

There was a silence all round, everybody nodding as to approve.

“Why then,” continued the fat man, “should we consider the feelings of our children when they are twenty?  Isn’t it natural that at their age they should consider the love for their Country (I am speaking of decent boys, of course) even greater than the love for us?  Isn’t it natural that it should be so, as after all they must look upon us as upon old boys who cannot move any more and must sit at home?  If Country is a natural necessity like bread of which each of us must eat in order not to die of hunger, somebody must go to defend it.  And our sons go, when they are twenty, and they don’t want tears, because if they die, they die inflamed and happy (I am speaking, of course, of decent boys).  Now, if one dies young and happy, without having the ugly sides of life, the boredom of it, the pettiness, the bitterness of disillusion…what more can we ask for him?  Everyone should stop crying; everyone should laugh, as I do…or at least thank God—as I do—because my son, before dying, sent me a message saying that he was dying satisfied at having ended his life in the best way he could have wished.  That is why, as you see, I do not even wear mourning…”

He shook his light fawn coat as to show it; his livid lip over his missing teeth was trembling, his eyes were watery and motionless, and soon after he ended with a shrill laugh which might well have been a sob.

“Quite so…quite so…” agreed the others.

The woman who, bundled in a corner under her coat, had been sitting and listening had—for the last three months—tried to find in the words of her husband and her friends something to console her in her deep sorrow, something that might show her how a mother should resign herself to send her son not even to death but to a probable danger of life.  Yet not a word had she found amongst the many that had been said…and her grief had been greater in seeing that nobody—as she thought—could share her feelings.

But now the words of the traveler amazed and almost stunned her.  She suddenly realized that it wasn’t the others who were wrong and could not understand her but herself who could not rise up to the same height of those fathers and mothers willing to resign themselves, without crying, not only to the departure of their sons but even to their death.

She lifted her head, she bent over from her corner trying to listen with great attention to the details which the fat man was giving to his companions about the way his son had fallen as a hero, for his King and his Country, happy and without regrets.  It seemed to her that she had stumbled into a world she had never dreamt of, a world so far unknown to her, and she was so pleased to hear everyone joining in congratulating that brave father who could so stoically speak of his child’s death.

Then suddenly, just as if she had heard nothing of what had been said and almost as if waking up from a dream, she turned to the old man, asking him:

“Then…is your son really dead?”

Everyone stared at her.  The old man, too, turned to look at her, fixing his great, bulging, horribly watery light gray eyes, deep in her face.  For some time he tried to answer, but words failed him.  He looked and looked at her, almost as if only then—at that silly, incongruous question—he had suddenly realized at last that his son was really dead—gone for ever—for ever.  His face contracted, became horribly distorted, then he snatched in haste a handkerchief from his pocket and, to the amazement of everyone, broke into harrowing, heart-breaking, uncontrollable sobs.

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// 2021-1-15