C32b He 聲是一个生份人

2. He siaⁿ sī chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn lâng

"M̄-koh, nā sī kóng, lán ū sio-tú, góa koh sī o͘-lâng neh?"

"Nā án-ne, lí khó-lêng í-keng hām chi̍t-ê o͘-lâng cha-po͘ teh kiâⁿ ah." I the̍h khí chhiâng-chúi-thâu chōaⁿ gîn-khì. chúi sio kah kim-sio̍k piàn-chò chhián-nâ-sek, āu-lâi koh piàn tńg-lâi gîn-sek.

"Ká-sú góa m̄-sī án-ne," yi kóng. "Ká-sú góa sī o͘-lâng, bô hām lâng teh kiâⁿ, jiân-āu lán sio-tú, lán sio-ài."

I lia̍h yi khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē. Yi kim-kim khòaⁿ i, bak-chiu kim sih-sih. "Góa kā lí kóng," i kóng, kō͘ chi̍t-chióng lí-sèng ê siaⁿ-tiāu, "án-ne chin gōng. Lí nā sī o͘-lâng, lí tō m̄-sī lí ah." Ná án-ne kóng ê sî, i ì-sek tio̍h che choa̍t-tùi sī sū-si̍t. Yi nā sī o͘-lâng, yi tō m̄-sī yi ah, che sī bián sio-chèⁿ ê sū-si̍t. Chū án-ne, i koh kóng: "Lí nā sī o͘-lâng, lí tō m̄-sī lí ah."

"Góa chai lah," yi kóng, "m̄-koh lán tō án-ne lâi kóng khòaⁿ-māi."

I suh chi̍t-ê tōa-khùi. I í-keng chèⁿ iâⁿ ah, m̄-koh iáu-sī kám-kak siám bē-lī. "Kóng siáⁿ?" i mn̄g.

"Kóng, góa sī o͘-lâng, m̄-koh iáu-sī góa ka-tī, iá lán sio-ài. Lí ē boeh chhōa góa bô?"

I siūⁿ chi̍t-khùn.

"Án-nóa?" yi kóng, kiâⁿ óa i.

"Góa teh siūⁿ," i kóng.

"Lí bē lah, góa ē-sái kā lí kóng. Lí tit-boeh kóng bē."

"Kì-jiân lí án-ne kóng..."

"Mài koh siūⁿ, ē a̍h bē?"

"Thiⁿ ah, Ann. Hó lah. Bē."

Yi kóng chi̍t-siaⁿ "To-siā," tō ùi chàu-kha kiâⁿ khì kheh-thiaⁿ. Kòe chi̍t-khùn, i thiaⁿ tio̍h yi teh hian cha̍p-chì ê siaⁿ. I chai, yi khì kah bô chin-chiàⁿ teh tha̍k he, m̄-koh yi m̄-sī chhiūⁿ i kín-hian ê hit-chióng hian hoat. Yi hian bān-bān ah, bē-su yi teh gián-kiù múi chi̍t-ê jī. Yi teh tián-sī yi tùi i léng-tām, án-ne hō͘ i chai-iáⁿ yi boeh ài ê hāu-kó. Che hō͘ i thiàⁿ-sim.

I bô siáⁿ hoat-tō͘, chí-hó mā tián-sī tùi yi ê léng-tām. Chēng-chēng, thiat-té-te̍k, i kā chhun ê óaⁿ-pôaⁿ sé hó. Jiân-āu i kā in chhit-ta, siu hó-sè. I koh chhit kūi-tâi, lô͘-á, koh kā tih-lo̍h tē-pán ê hoeh lù chheng-khì. Teh án-ne chò ê sî, i koat-tēng, kui-khi kā kui-ê tē-pán lóng lù-lù leh. Tán i oân-sêng, chàu-kha khòaⁿ tio̍h ná sin ê, ná chhiūⁿ in chho͘-chhù khòaⁿ chhù hit-sî ê khoán, he sī in iáu-bōe lâi tòa chia chìn-chêng.

I the̍h-khí pùn-sò-tháng kiâⁿ chhut-khì. Àm-iā ê thiⁿ chheng-chheng, i ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h sai-pêng ê chi̍t-kóa chheⁿ, hit-hiòng ê thiⁿ khah bô hō͘ siâⁿ-tìn ê teng-kng iāⁿ tio̍h. El Camino Lō͘ ê kau-thong ún-tēng, khin-khó, pêng-hô kah ná-chhiūⁿ khe-lâu. Ín-khí bó͘ hām i ka-tī sio-chiàn, i kám-kak kiàn-siàu. Koh liōng-iok 30 nî in tō lóng í-keng sí ah. Kàu hit-sî, chit-lō tāi-chì ū siáⁿ ì-gī ah? I siūⁿ-khí tâng-chê tō͘-kòe ê chit kúi-nî, in sī gōa-nī chhin-kīn, gōa-nī hō͘-siong liáu-kái, i ê nâ-âu tīⁿ-tīⁿ, kiông boeh bē chhoán-khùi. I ê bīn hām ām-kún khai-sí bán-ân. Heng-khám chi̍t-chūn sio. I tī hia khiā chi̍t-khùn, hiáng-siū chit-chióng kám-kak, jiân-āu koh the̍h-khí pùn-sò-tháng, chhut āu-tiâⁿ ê mn̂g.

Ke-lō͘ ê hit nn̄g-chiah cha̍p-chéng káu iū-koh lâi tī pùn-sò tui hia. Kî-tiong chi̍t-chiah thán-chhiò tó tī thô͘-kha nòa, lēng-gōa chi̍t-chiah chhùi nih kā chi̍t-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Ná chhut-siaⁿ, yi ná kā mi̍h-kiāⁿ hiù hiòng thiⁿ, thiàu khí-lâi koh kā sîn tio̍h, koh chhut-siaⁿ, thâu-khak hiòng siang-pêng hàiⁿ. Tán in khòaⁿ tio̍h i chhut-hiān, in sûi kín ta̍h sió-pō͘ cháu khui. Pêng-sî i lóng ē kā in tìm chio̍h-thâu, m̄-koh chit-pái i pàng in cháu.

Tńg kàu chhù ê sî, lāi-bīn àm-àm. Yi tī e̍k-sek. I khiā tī mn̂g-kháu, kiò yi ê miâ. I thiaⁿ tio̍h kan-á sio-kho̍k ê siaⁿ, m̄-koh yi bô ìn siaⁿ. "Ann, góa chin-chiàⁿ phō-khiam," i kóng. "Góa ē pó͘-sióng lí, góa pó-chèng."

"Án-nóa pó͘-sióng?" yi mn̄g.

I bô siūⁿ tio̍h che. M̄-koh ùi yi ê siaⁿ-sàu, he sī i chheⁿ-hūn ê siaⁿ-tiāu kap kháu-khì, i chai, i tio̍h the̍h-chhut chèng-khak ê tap-àn. I phēng tī mn̂g. "Góa boeh chhōa lí," i khin-siaⁿ kóng.

"Lán chiah khòaⁿ-māi leh," yi kóng. "Lí seng khì khùn. Góa liâm-mi tō chhut-lâi."

I thǹg hó saⁿ-khò͘, khàm tī mî-phōe lāi. Lo̍h-bóe i thiaⁿ tio̍h e̍k-sek ê mn̂g khui koh koaiⁿ.

"Kā tiān-hóe koaiⁿ tiāu," yi ùi kòe-tō kóng.

"Siáⁿ?"

"Kā tiān-hóe koaiⁿ tiāu."

I chhut-chhiú khiú chhn̂g-piⁿ teng ê khai-koan. Pâng-keng piàn àm. "Hó ah," i kóng. I tó tī hia, m̄-koh siáⁿ to bô hoat-seng. "Hó ah," i koh kóng chi̍t-piàn. Jiân-āu i thiaⁿ tio̍h pâng-keng lāi tín-tāng ê siaⁿ. I chē khí-lâi, m̄-koh siáⁿ to bô khòaⁿ tio̍h. Pâng-keng lāi chēng-chēng. I ê sim thiàu kah ná-chhiūⁿ in chò-tīn ê thâu chi̍t-mê, mā thiàu kah ná-chhiūⁿ tī o͘-àm tiong thiaⁿ tio̍h siaⁿ chhéⁿ-lâi, i tán boeh koh thiaⁿ ê sî-chūn -- he siaⁿ sī ū-lâng tī chhù-lāi kiâⁿ-tāng, sī chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn-lâng.

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2. He 聲是一个生份人

"毋過, 若是講, 咱有相拄, 我 koh 是烏人 neh?"

"若 án-ne, 你可能已經和一个烏人查埔 teh 行 ah." 伊提起沖水頭濺銀器. 水燒甲金屬變做淺藍色, 後來 koh 變轉來銀色.

"假使我毋是 án-ne," 她講. "假使我是烏人, 無和人 teh 行, 然後咱相拄, 咱相愛."

伊掠她看一下. 她金金看伊, 目睭金 sih-sih. "我 kā 你講," 伊講, kō͘ 一種理性 ê 聲調, "án-ne 真戇. 你若是烏人, 你 tō 毋是你 ah." Ná án-ne 講 ê 時, 伊意識著這絕對是事實. 她若是烏人, 她 tō 毋是她 ah, 這是免相諍 ê 事實. 自 án-ne, 伊 koh 講: "你若是烏人, 你 tō 毋是你 ah."

"我知 lah," 她講, "毋過咱 tō án-ne 來講看覓."

伊欶一个大氣. 伊已經諍贏 ah, 毋過猶是感覺閃袂離. "講啥?" 伊問.

"講, 我是烏人, 毋過猶是我家己, iá 咱相愛. 你會欲娶我無?"

伊想一睏.

"按怎?" 她講, 行倚伊.

"我 teh 想," 伊講.

"你袂 lah, 我會使 kā 你講. 你得欲講袂."

"既然你 án-ne 講..."

"莫 koh 想, 會 a̍h 袂?"

"天 ah, Ann. 好 lah. 袂."

她講一聲 "多謝," tō ùi 灶跤行去客廳. 過一睏, 伊聽著她 teh 掀雜誌 ê 聲. 伊知, 她氣甲無真正 teh 讀彼, 毋過她毋是像伊緊掀 ê 彼種掀法. 她掀慢慢 ah, 袂輸她 teh 研究每一个字. 她 teh 展示她對伊冷淡, án-ne 予伊知影她欲愛 ê 效果. 這予伊疼心.

伊無啥法度, 只好 mā 展示對她 ê 冷淡. 靜靜, 徹底 te̍k, 伊 kā 賰 ê 碗盤洗好. 然後伊 kā in 拭焦, 收好勢. 伊 koh 拭櫃台, 爐仔, koh kā 滴落地板 ê 血鑢清氣. Teh án-ne 做 ê 時, 伊決定, 規氣 kā 規个地板攏鑢鑢 leh. 等伊完成, 灶跤看著 ná 新 ê, 若像 in 初次看厝彼時 ê 款, 彼是 in 猶未來蹛遮進前.

伊提起糞埽桶行出去. 暗夜 ê 天清清, 伊會當看著西爿 ê 一寡星, hit 向 ê 天較無予城鎮 ê 燈光焱著. El Camino 路 ê 交通穩定, 輕可, 平和甲 ná 像溪流. 引起某和伊家己相戰, 伊感覺見笑. Koh 量約 30 年 in tō 攏已經死 ah. 到彼時, chit-lō 代誌有啥意義 ah? 伊想起同齊度過 ê 這幾年, in 是 gōa-nī 親近, gōa-nī 互相了解, 伊 ê 嚨喉滇滇, 強欲袂喘氣. 伊 ê 面和頷頸開始挽絚. 胸坎一陣燒. 伊 tī 遐徛一睏, 享受這種感覺, 然後 koh 提起糞埽桶, 出後埕 ê 門.

街路 ê 彼兩隻雜種狗又閣來 tī 糞埽堆遐. 其中一隻坦笑倒 tī 塗跤 nòa, 另外一隻喙 nih 咬一个物件. Ná 出聲, 她 ná kā 物件 hiù 向天, 跳起來 koh kā 承著, koh 出聲, 頭殼向雙爿幌. 等 in 看著伊出現, in 隨緊踏小步走開. 平時伊攏會 kā in 頕石頭, 毋過這擺伊放 in 走.

轉到厝 ê 時, 內面暗暗. 她 tī 浴室. 伊徛 tī 門口, 叫她 ê 名. 伊聽著矸仔相硞 ê 聲, 毋過她無應聲. "Ann, 我真正抱歉," 伊講. "我會補償你, 我保證."

"按怎補償?" 她問.

伊無想著這. 毋過 ùi 她 ê 聲嗽, 彼是伊生份 ê 聲調 kap 口氣, 伊知, 伊著提出正確 ê 答案. 伊 phēng tī 門. "我欲娶你," 伊輕聲講.

"咱才看覓 leh," 她講. "你先去睏. 我 liâm-mi tō 出來."

伊褪好衫褲, 崁 tī 棉被內. 落尾伊聽著浴室 ê 門開 koh 關.

"Kā 電火關掉," 她 ùi 過道講.

"啥?"

"Kā 電火關掉."

伊出手搝床邊燈 ê 開關. 房間變暗. "好 ah," 伊講. 伊倒 tī 遐, 毋過啥 to 無發生. "好 ah," 伊 koh 講一遍. 然後伊聽著房間內振動 ê 聲. 伊坐起來, 毋過啥 to 無看著. 房間內靜靜. 伊 ê 心跳甲 ná 像 in 做陣 ê 頭一暝, mā 跳甲 ná 像 tī 烏暗中聽著聲醒來, 伊等欲 koh 聽 ê 時陣 -- he 聲是有人 tī 厝內 kiâⁿ-tāng, 是一个生份人.

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2.

"But if we had met, and I'd been black?"

"Then you probably would have been going out with a black guy." He picked up the rinsing nozzle and sprayed the silverware. The water was so hot that the metal darkened to pale blue, then turned silver again.

"Let's say I wasn't," she said. "Let's say I am black and unattached and we meet and fall in love."

He glanced over at her. She was watching him and her eyes were bright. "Look," he said, taking a reasonable tone, "this is stupid. If you were black you wouldn't be you." As he said this he realized it was absolutely true. There was no possible way of arguing with the fact that she would not be herself if she were black. So he said it again: "If you were black you wouldn't be you."

"I know," she said, "but let's just say."

He took a deep breath. He had won the argument but he still felt cornered. "Say what?" he asked.

"That I'm black, but still me, and we fall in love. Will you marry me?"

He thought about it.

"Well?" she said, and stepped close to him. Her eyes were even brighter. "Will you marry me?"

"I'm thinking," he said.

"You won't, I can tell. You're going to say no."

"Since you put it that way—"

"No more considering, Yes or no."

"Jesus, Ann. All right. No."

She said "Thank you," and walked from the kitchen into the living room. A moment later he heard her turning the pages of a magazine. He knew that she was too angry to be actually reading it, but she didn't snap through the pages the way he would have done. She turned them slowly, as if she were studying every word. She was demonstrating her indifference to him, and it had the effect he knew she wanted it to have. It hurt him.

He had no choice but to demonstrate his indifference to her. Quietly, thoroughly, he washed the rest of the dishes. Then he dried them and put them away. He wiped the counters and the stove and scoured the linoleum where the drop of blood had fallen. While he was at it, he decided, he might as well mop the whole floor. When he was done the kitchen looked new, the way it looked when they were first shown the house, before they had ever lived here.

He picked up the garbage pail and went outside. The night was clear and he could see a few stars to the west, where the lights of the town didn't blur them out. On El Camino the traffic was steady and light, peaceful as a river. He felt ashamed that he had let his wife get him into a fight. In another thirty years or so they would both be dead. What would all that stuff matter then? He thought of the years they had spent together, and how close they were, and how well they knew each other, and his throat tightened so that he could hardly breathe. His face and neck began to tingle. Warmth flooded his chest. He stood there for a while, enjoying these sensations, then picked up the pail and went out the back gate.

The two mutts from down the street had pulled over the garbage can again. One of them was rolling around on his back and the other had something in her mouth. Growling, she tossed it into the air, leaped up and caught it, growled again and whipped her head from side to side. When they saw him coming they trotted away with short, mincing steps. Normally he would heave rocks at them, but this time he let them go.

The house was dark when he came back inside. She was in the bathroom. He stood outside the door and called her name. He heard bottles clinking, but she didn't answer him. "Ann, I'm really sorry," he said. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"How?" she asked.

He wasn't expecting this. But from a sound in her voice, a level and definite note that was strange to him, he knew that he had to come up with the right answer. He leaned against the door. "I'll marry you," he whispered.

"We'll see," she said. "Go on to bed. I'll be out in a minute."

He undressed and got under the covers. Finally he heard the bathroom door open and close.

"Turn off the light," she said from the hallway.

"What?"

"Turn off the light."

He reached over and pulled the chain on the bedside lamp. The room went dark. "All right," he said. He lay there, but nothing happened. "All right," he said again. Then he heard a movement across the room. He sat up, but he couldn't see a thing. The room was silent. His heart pounded the way it had on their first night together, the way it still did when he woke at a noise in the darkness and waited to hear it again - the sound of someone moving through the house, a stranger.

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// 2022-01-28