2. Ū chū-chun ê ko͘-to̍k pēng bē ko͘-toaⁿ
Chiàu i só͘ èng-ún ê, i ū lâi thê-chhin. Hit-sî, yi í-keng sêng-se̍k kàu chi̍t-ê thêng-tō͘, ē-tàng liáu-kái ka-tī ê pi-ai chhú-kéng. Yi hoat-hiān ka-tī tùi i pēng bô ài, mā bô chun-kèng, i lī yi ê bāng-sióng chin hn̄g, mā m̄-sī yi lí-sióng tiong siú tō-tek ê lâng. Án-ne boeh án-nóa hó? Yin lāu-pē tī nn̄g-nî chêng í-keng kòe-sin, yin lāu-bú tùi chit-ê cha-po͘ ê chek-ke̍k kám-kak tio̍h-kiaⁿ. Put-jî-kò, yi án-ne kā yi kóng, "Góa chai lí kian-chhî kò-jîn ê to̍k-li̍p, só͘-í góa kau hō͘ lí ka-tī khì koat-tēng."
Yi í-keng ì-sek tio̍h só͘ bīn-tùi ê koan-kiān chhú-kéng. Yi nā m̄-sī chiap-siū, tō-sī éng-oán kā chit-sìⁿ mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi. Che kā yi pek kàu yi siōng thó-ià ê chōng-hóng. Yi sī hó-gia̍h súi ko͘-niû, tī Abbaiyya che sī phín-keh ko-sióng ê tāi-miâ-sû, m̄-koh, taⁿ yi soah tio̍h piàⁿ-miā tī chi̍t-ê kè-bô͘ ê hām-chéⁿ nih kún-ká, soah hō͘ i kō͘ iau-sâi ê léng-gán teh khòaⁿ yi. Ná-chhiūⁿ yi oàn-hūn i ê khùi-la̍t, yi mā oàn-chheh ka-tī ê loán-jio̍k. Phiⁿ yi ê thian-chin sī chi̍t-hôe sū, iá taⁿ, tī yi í-keng pá-ak ka-tī lêng-le̍k, koh hō͘ i chiàm-koân he sī lēng-gōa chi̍t-hôe sū. I án-ne kóng, "Taⁿ góa lâi ah, chun-siú góa ê èng-ún, in-ūi góa ài lí." I mā án-ne kóng, "Góa bêng-pe̍k lí tùi kàu-ha̍k ê jia̍t-chêng, iá lí mā boeh oân-sêng Lí-ha̍k-īⁿ ê ha̍k-gia̍p."
Yi kám-kak m̄-bat ū kòe ê hùn-nō͘. Yi kī-choa̍t kiông-pek, tō ná-chhiūⁿ yi kī-choa̍t bái-kâu. Tùi yi lâi kóng, hi-seng hun-in mā bô iàu-kín. Yi hoan-gêng kiâⁿ ka-tī ê lō͘, in-ūi ū chū-chun ê ko͘-to̍k pēng bē ko͘-toaⁿ. Yi sīm-chì ioh, i sī ūi-tio̍h yi ê chîⁿ. Yi ti̍t-tú-ti̍t kā yin lāu-bú kóng, "M̄," lāu-bú án-ne kā ìn, "Hō͘ góa kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, lí m̄-sī chi̍t khai-sí tō án-ne koat-tēng."
Hit-lâng tòng yi chhut-khì ê lō͘, kóng, "Lí ná-ē kī-choa̍t? Lí kám m̄-chai kiat-kio̍k ē án-chóaⁿ?" Iá yi kō͘ ka-tī to ì-gōa ê chho͘-ló͘ thài-tō͘ kā ìn, "Tùi góa lâi-kóng, siáⁿ-mih kiat-kio̍k lóng pí kè hō͘ lí khah hó."
Oân-sêng ha̍k-gia̍p liáu-āu, yi siūⁿ boeh chò kóa siáⁿ lâi thiⁿ-pó͘ yi ê êng-kang, só͘-í yi khì chò lāu-su. Chē-chē kiat-hun ê ki-hōe, m̄-koh yi lóng kā in kī-choa̍t.
"Bô lí kah-ì ê lâng sioh?" lāu-bú mn̄g yi.
"Góa chai góa teh chhòng-siáⁿ," yi khin-khin án-ne kóng.
"M̄-koh sî-kan it-ti̍t teh kòe."
"Boeh kòe tō hō͘ i kòe, góa chin boán-chiok."
Chi̍t-kang chi̍t-kang yi teh piàn lāu. Yi siám-phiah ài-chêng, kiaⁿ ài-chêng. Kō͘ só͘-ū khùi-la̍t, yi hi-bāng seng-oa̍h an-chēng, pêng-hô, m̄-bián khoài-lo̍k. Yi sòe-ho̍k kaa-tī, hēng-hok bô hān-tiāⁿ tī ài-chêng kap kiáⁿ-jî. Yi m̄-bat hoán-hóe ka-tī ê kian-koat koat-tēng. Siáng chai-iáⁿ, bîn-á-chài ē án-nóa? M̄-koh, yi tiāⁿ-tio̍h chin bô hoaⁿ-hí, in-ūi bîn-á-chài i khó-lêng koh chhut-hiān tī yi ê seng-oa̍h tiong, yi tio̍h chi̍t-kang koh chi̍t-kang kap i chih-chiap, kiaⁿ i ē kā kòe-khì piàn-sêng oa̍h-thiàu koh thòng-khó͘ ê hiān-chāi.
Āu-lâi, tē-it pái i tī pān-kong-sek hām yi tan-to̍k kìⁿ-bīn ê sî, i mn̄g yi, "Lí hó bô?"
Yi léng-chēng kā ìn, "Góa chin hó."
I sió-khóa tiû-tû chi̍t-ē, jiân-āu mn̄g, "Lí kám bô... Góa sī kóng, lí kiat-hun boē?"
Kō͘ chi̍t-ê boeh kín kiat-sok tâm-ōe ê kháu-khì, yi kóng, "Góa kóng kòe, góa chin hó."
(Soah)
--
2. 有自尊 ê 孤獨並袂孤單
照伊所應允 ê, 伊有來提親. 彼時, 她已經成熟到一个程度, 會當了解家己 ê 悲哀處境. 她發現家己對伊並無愛, mā 無尊敬, 伊離她 ê 夢想真遠, mā 毋是她理想中守道德 ê 人. Án-ne 欲按怎好? 姻老爸 tī 兩年前已經過身, 姻老母對這个查埔 ê 積極感覺著驚. 不而過, 她 án-ne kā 她講, "我知你堅持個人 ê 獨立, 所以我交予你家己去決定."
她已經意識著所面對 ê 關鍵處境. 她若毋是接受, 就是永遠 kā 這扇門關起來. 這 kā 她迫到她上討厭 ê 狀況. 她是好額媠姑娘, tī Abbaiyya 這是品格高尚 ê 代名詞, 毋過, 今她煞著拚命 tī 一个計謀 ê 陷阱 nih 滾絞, 煞予伊 kō͘ 枵饞 ê 冷眼 teh 看她. Ná 像她怨恨伊 ê 氣力, 她 mā 怨慼家己 ê 軟弱. Phiⁿ 她 ê 天真是一回事, iá 今, tī 她已經把握家己能力, koh 予伊佔懸彼是另外一回事. 伊 án-ne 講, "今我來 ah, 遵守我 ê 應允, 因為我愛你." 伊 mā án-ne 講, "我明白你對教學 ê 熱情, iá 你 mā 欲完成理學院 ê 學業."
她感覺毋捌有過 ê 憤怒. 她拒絕強迫, tō ná 像她拒絕䆀猴. 對她來講, 犧牲婚姻 mā 無要緊. 她歡迎行家己 ê 路, 因為有自尊 ê 孤獨並袂孤單. 她甚至臆, 伊是為著她 ê 錢. 她直拄直 kā 姻老母講, "毋," 老母 án-ne kā 應, "予我驚一趒, 你毋是一開始 tō án-ne 決定."
彼人擋她出去 ê 路, 講, "你那會拒絕? 你敢毋知結局會按怎?" Iá 她 kō͘ 家己 to 意外 ê 粗魯態度 kā 應, "對我來講, 啥物結局攏比嫁予你較好."
完成學業了後, 她想欲做寡啥來添補她 ê 閒工, 所以她去做老師. 濟濟結婚 ê 機會, 毋過她攏 kā in 拒絕.
"無你佮意 ê 人 sioh?" 老母問她.
"我知我 teh 創啥," 她輕輕 án-ne 講.
"毋過時間一直 teh 過."
"欲過 tō 予伊過, 我真滿足."
一工一工她 teh 變老. 她閃避愛情, 驚愛情. Kō͘ 所有氣力, 她希望生活安靜, 平和, 毋免快樂. 她說服家己, 幸福無限定 tī 愛情 kap 囝兒. 她毋捌反悔家己 ê 堅決決定. Siáng 知影, 明仔載會按怎? 毋過, 她定著真無歡喜, 因為明仔載伊可能 koh 出現 tī 她 ê 生活中, 她著一工 koh 一工 kap 伊 chih 接, 驚伊會 kā 過去變成活跳 koh 痛苦 ê 現在.
後來, 第一擺伊 tī 辦公室和她單獨見面 ê 時, 伊問她, "你好無?"
她冷靜 kā 應, "我真好."
伊小可躊躇一下, 然後問, "你敢無... 我是講, 你結婚未?"
Kō͘ 一个欲緊結束談話 ê 口氣, 她講, "我講過, 我真好."
(煞)
--
2.
And he had kept his promise and had come to ask for her hand. By then she had attained a degree of maturity that gave her an understanding of the dimensions of her tragic position. She had found that she had no love or respect for him and that he was as far as he could be from her dreams and from the ideas she had formed of what constituted an ideal and moral person. But what was to be done? Her father had passed away two years ago, and her mother had been taken aback by the forwardness of the man. However, she had said to her, "I know your attachment to your personal independence, so I leave the decision to you."
She had been conscious of the critical position she was in. She had either to accept or to close the door forever. It was the sort of situation that could force her into something she detested. She was the rich beautiful girl, a byword in Abbaiyya for her nobility of character, and now here she was struggling helplessly in a well-sprung trap, while he looked down at her with rapacious eyes. Just as she had hated his strength, so too she hated her own weakness. To have abused her innocence was one thing, but for him to have the upper hand now that she was fully in possession of her faculties was something else. He had said, "So here I am, making good my promise because I love you." He had also said, "I know of your love of teaching, and you will complete your studies at the College of Science."
She had felt such anger as she had never felt before. She had rejected coercion in the same way as she rejected ugliness. It had meant little to her to sacrifice marriage. She had welcomed being on her own, for solitude accompanied by self-respect was not loneliness. She had also guessed he was after her money. She had told her mother quite straightforwardly, "No," to which her mother had replied, "I am astonished you did not make this decision from the first moment."
The man had blocked her way outside and said, "How can you refuse? Don't you realize the outcome?" And she had replied with an asperity he had not expected, "For me any outcome is preferable to being married to you."
After finishing her studies, she had wanted something to do to fill her spare time, so she had worked as a teacher. Chances to marry had come time, but she had turned her back on them all.
"Does no one please you?" her mother asked her.
"I know what I am doing," she had said gently.
"But time is going by."
"Let it go as it pleases, I am content."
Day by day she becomes older. She avoids love, fears it. With all her strength she hopes that life will pass calmly, peacefully, rather than happily. She goes on persuading herself that happiness is not confined to love and motherhood. Never has she regretted her firm decision. Who knows what the morrow holds? But she was certainly unhappy that he could again make his appearance in her life, that she would be dealing with him day after day, and that he would be making of the past a living and painful present.
Then, the first time he was alone with her in his room, he asked her, "How are you?"
She answered coldly, "I'm fine."
He hesitated slightly before inquiring, " Have you not...I mean, did you get married"
In the tone of someone intent on cutting short a conversation, she said "I told you, I am fine."
--
// 2022-3-6
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