2. Che m̄-si in lāu-pē siá ê
Chi̍t-tōaⁿ tn̂g sî-kan keng-kòe, in khiā khí-lâi, khòaⁿ hit-ê óng-seng ê lâng. Kì-tî ah, hiah-ê iâu-oán ê kì-tî, cha-hng iáu hiah chhin-chhiat, kin-á-ji̍t soah hiah chiat-bôa, taⁿ, chah tio̍h hiah-ê bē-kì-tit ê sè-chiat koh lâi-kàu in sim-lāi, hiah-ê sè-hāng ê chhin-bi̍t, se̍k-sāi ê sè-chiat, hō͘ í-keng lī-khui ê lâng iū-koh oa̍h khí-lâi. In hō͘-siong siūⁿ-khí hit-ê í-keng bē koh hām in kóng-ōe ê lāu-bú ê chióng-chióng chêng-hóng, ōe-kù, bî-chhiò hām kháu-khì. In koh khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ê hoaⁿ-hí hām léng-chēng. In siūⁿ-khí yi kóng-kòe ê ōe, hām boeh kiông-tiāu tiōng-iàu tāi-chì ê sî, yi he chhiú ná phah phek-á ê sió tōng-chok.
Taⁿ in ài yi, in-ūi kòe-khì in m̄-bat ài kòe yi. In kó͘-sǹg in ê pi-siong ū gōa chhim, soah hoat-hiān in ka-tī sī gōa-nī ko͘-toaⁿ.
Siau-sit khì ê, sī in ê óa-khò, in ê chhōa-lō͘, in kui-ê chheng-chhun, in sèⁿ-miā tiong siōng súi ê pō͘-hūn. In tit-boeh sit-khì ê, sī in sèⁿ-miā ê liân-kiat, in lāu-bú, in mama, in hām chó͘-sian ê khan-liân. Taⁿ in piàn-chiâⁿ ko͘-to̍k, hi-bî ê lâng; in bē-tàng koh hôe-thâu khòaⁿ.
Siu-lú tùi yin hiaⁿ-ko kóng: "Lí ē-kì-tit kòe-khì mama chóng-sī tha̍k yi ê kū phe; in lóng tī hit-ê thoah-á nih. Taⁿ, ōaⁿ lán lâi tha̍k hiah-ê; e-àm tī yi sin-piⁿ, lán lâi tō͘-kòe yi kui-ê it-seng! Che tō ná kiâⁿ hiòng si̍p-jī-kè ê lō͘, ná jīn-bat yin lāu-bú, jīn-bat lán chó͘-sian, hiah-ê lâng í-chá lán lóng m̄-bat, m̄-koh in ê phe lóng tī hia, yi chhiâng-chāi kóng-khí in, lí ē-kì-tit bô?"
Ùi thoah-á in the̍h-chhut liōng-iok 10 ê pa̍k kah hó-sè hó-sè koh an-pâi chéng-chê ê n̂g-sek sió-pau. In kā chiah-ê chhiú-bóe-mi̍h khǹg tī chhn̂g téng, kéng kî-tiong chi̍t-ê, téng-bīn siá "Lāu-pē". In kā phah-khui lâi tha̍k.
Che sī lāu-sek ka-têng chheh-toh thoah-á nih chhōe tio̍h ê, sàn-hoat chêng sè-kí ê khì-bī ê kó͘-chá phe-sìn. Tē-it hong án-ne khai-sí: "Góa chhin-ài ê," koh chi̍t-hong: "Góa bí-lē ê sió ko͘-niû," kî-thaⁿ ê: "Góa chhin-ài ê gín-á," a̍h: "Góa chhin-ài ê cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ*." Hut-jiân siu-lú khai-sí tōa-siaⁿ liām, hō͘ hit-ê óng-seng ê cha-bó͘ thiaⁿ ē-tio̍h yi choân-pō͘ ê le̍k-sú, it-chhè yi ê un-jiû kì-tî. Hoat-koaⁿ, chhiú-khiau khòe tī bîn-chhn̂g, ná teh thiaⁿ, ba̍k-chiu ná kim-kim khòaⁿ lāu-bú. Hit-ê tiām-tiām bô tāng ê sin-khu, khòaⁿ khí-lâi ká-ná mā chin hoaⁿ-hí. [* Eng-e̍k goân-bûn sī "My dear (laughter)"]
Eulalie Siu-lú phah-tn̄g ka-tī ê ōe, hut-jiân kóng:
"Chiah-ê mi̍h eng-kai tòe yi khǹg tī bōng-á lāi; chiah-ê eng-kai the̍h-lâi chò khàm-si-pò͘, tâng-chê hām yi tâi chò-hóe." Yi koh the̍h iáu chi̍t-pau, téng-bīn bô siá miâ. Yi khai-sí kō͘ kian-tēng ê siaⁿ-tiāu tha̍k: "Góa só͘ ài-bō͘ ê lâng, góa ài lí kah boeh siáu. Cha-hng í-lâi, góa it-ti̍t cho-siū ná tio̍h-siâ ê chiat-bôa, hō͘ tùi lí ê su-liām só͘ iⁿ-tîⁿ. Góa kám-kak lí ê chhùi-tûn tú góa ê chhùi-tûn, lí ê ba̍k-chiu siòng góa ê ba̍k-chiu, lí ê heng-khám tah góa ê heng-khám. Góa ài lí, góa ài lí! Lí hō͘ góa kiông boeh khí-siáu. Góa siang-chhiú thián-khui, góa chhim-chhim suh khùi, kui-sim khí-kông siūⁿ boeh koh lám lí. Góa kui-ê lêng-hûn hām sin-khu ūi lí teh âu-kiò, teh boeh ài lí. Hām lí sio-chim ê chu-bī, góa kā pó-chûn tī chhùi lāi..."
Hoat-koaⁿ í-keng khiā-thêng khí-lâi. Siu-lú bô koh tha̍k. I ùi yi ê chhiú-tiong kā phe chhiúⁿ kòe-lâi, teh chhōe chhiam-miâ. Bô chhiam-miâ, kan-ta tī "Ài-bō͘ lí ê lâng" chiah-ê jī ē-bīn, ū siá chi̍t-ê miâ "Henry." In lāu-pē ê miâ sī Rene. Nā án-ne, che m̄-sī in lāu-pē siá ê. Hau-seⁿ sûi koh kín-kín chhiau hit-pau phe, sa chi̍t-hong chhut-lâi, kā tha̍k: "Bô lí ê tîⁿ-mî kap thiàⁿ-sioh, góa bô hoat-tō͘ koh oa̍h lo̍h-khì." I khiā thêng-thêng, bē-su chē tī tn̂g-í hiah-nī giâm-siok, bīn bô piáu-chêng, ti̍t-ti̍t khòaⁿ hit-ê óng-seng ê cha-bó͘. Siu-lú mā thêng kah ná chi̍t-sian tiau-siōng, ba̍k-sái kâm ba̍k-kîⁿ, kim-kim khòaⁿ a-hiaⁿ, án-ne teh tán. Lo̍h-bóe, i bān-bān kiâⁿ kòe pâng-keng, lâi kàu thang-á piⁿ, khiā tī hia khòaⁿ chhut-khì gōa-kháu ê àm-mê.
Tán i koh oa̍t-sin hiòng Eulalie Siu-lú, yi ê ba̍k-chiu í-keng ta-ta, iáu khiā tī bîn-chhn̂g piⁿ, thâu-khak lê-lê.
I kiâⁿ hiòng chêng, kín-sok kā hiah-ê phe sa khí-lâi, kā phiaⁿ ji̍p thoah-á lāi. Jiân-āu i kā bîn-chhn̂g ê kòa-lî ûi hó-sè.
Tán thiⁿ-kng ê sî, toh-téng la̍h-chek hóe í-keng sit-sek, hāu-seⁿ bān-bān lī-khui i ê kau-í, bô koh khòaⁿ lāu-bú, i í-keng kā yi soan-phòaⁿ, chhiat-tn̄g yi hām hau-seⁿ kap cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ tiong-kan ê liân-hē, i bān-bān-á kóng: "Sió-mōe, taⁿ lán hó-thang lī-khui chia."
(Soah)
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2. 這毋是 in 老爸寫 ê
一段長時間經過, in 徛起來, 看彼个往生 ê 人. 記持 ah, hiah-ê 遙遠 ê 記持, 昨昏猶 hiah 親切, 今仔日煞 hiah 折磨, 今, 扎著 hiah-ê 袂記得 ê 細節 koh 來到 in 心內, hiah-ê 細項 ê 親密, 熟似 ê 細節, 予已經離開 ê 人又閣活起來. In 互相想起彼个已經袂 koh 和 in 講話 ê 老母 ê 種種情況, 話句, 微笑和口氣. In koh 看著她 ê 歡喜和冷靜. In 想起她講過 ê 話, 和欲強調重要代誌 ê 時, 她彼手 ná 拍拍仔 ê 小動作.
今 in 愛她, 因為過去 in 毋捌愛過她. In 估算 in ê 悲傷有偌深, 煞發現 in 家己是 gōa-nī 孤單.
消失去 ê, 是 in ê 倚靠, in ê chhōa-lō͘, in 規个青春, in 性命中上媠 ê 部份. In 得欲失去 ê, 是 in 性命 ê 連結, in 老母, in mama, in 和祖先 ê 牽連. 今 in 變成孤獨, 稀微 ê 人; in 袂當 koh 回頭看.
修女對姻兄哥講: "你會記得過去 mama 總是讀她 ê 舊批; in 攏 tī 彼个屜仔 nih. 今, 換咱來讀 hiah-ê; 下暗 tī 她身邊, 咱來度過她規个一生! 這 tō ná 行向十字架 ê 路, ná 認捌姻老母, 認捌咱祖先, hiah-ê 人以早咱攏毋捌, 毋過 in ê 批攏 tī 遐, 她常在講起 in, 你會記得無?"
Ùi 屜仔 in 提出量約 10 个縛甲好勢好勢 koh 安排整齊 ê 黃色小包. In kā chiah-ê 手尾物囥 tī 床頂, 揀其中一个, 頂面寫 "老爸". In kā 拍開來讀.
這是老式家庭冊桌屜仔 nih 揣著 ê, 散發前世紀 ê 氣味 ê 古早批信. 第一封 án-ne 開始: "我親愛 ê," koh 一封: "我美麗 ê 小姑娘," 其他 ê: "我親愛 ê 囡仔," a̍h: "我親愛 ê 查某囝*." 忽然修女開始大聲念, 予彼个往生 ê 查某聽會著她全部 ê 歷史, 一切她 ê 溫柔記持. 法官, 手曲蹶 tī 眠床, ná teh 聽, 目睭 ná 金金看老母. 彼个恬恬無動 ê 身軀, 看起來敢若 mā 真歡喜. [* Eng-e̍k goân-bûn sī "My dear (laughter)"]
Eulalie 修女拍斷家己 ê 話, 忽然講:
"Chiah-ê 物應該綴她囥 tī 墓仔內; chiah-ê 應該提來做崁屍布, 同齊和她埋做伙." 她 koh 提猶一包, 頂面無寫名. 她開始 kō͘ 堅定 ê 聲調讀: "我所愛慕 ê 人, 我愛你甲欲痟. 昨昏以來, 我一直遭受 ná 著邪 ê 折磨, 予對你 ê 思念所纓纏. 我感覺你 ê 喙唇拄我 ê 喙唇, 你 ê 目睭相我 ê 目睭, 你 ê 胸坎貼我 ê 胸坎. 我愛你, 我愛你! 你予我強欲起痟. 我雙手展開, 我深深欶氣, 規心起狂想欲 koh 攬你. 我規个靈魂和身軀為你 teh 喉叫, teh 欲愛你. 和你相唚 ê 滋味, 我 kā 保存 tī 喙內..."
法官已經徛騰起來. 修女無 koh 讀. 伊 ùi 她 ê 手中 kā 批搶過來, teh 揣簽名. 無簽名, 干焦 tī "愛慕你 ê 人" chiah-ê 字下面, 有寫一个名 "Henry." In 老爸 ê 名是 Rene. 若 án-ne, 這毋是 in 老爸寫 ê. 後生隨 koh 緊緊搜彼包批, 捎一封出來, kā 讀: "無你 ê 纏棉 kap 疼惜, 我無法度 koh 活落去." 伊徛騰騰, 袂輸坐 tī 長椅 hiah-nī 嚴肅, 面無表情, 直直看彼个往生 ê 查某. 修女 mā 騰甲 ná 一仙雕像, 目屎含目墘, 金金看阿兄, án-ne teh 等. 落尾, 伊慢慢行過房間, 來到窗仔邊, 徛 tī 遐看出去外口 ê 暗暝.
等伊 koh 越身向 Eulalie 修女, 她 ê 目睭已經焦焦, 猶徛 tī 眠床邊, 頭殼犁犁.
伊行向前, 緊速 kā hiah-ê 批捎起來, kā 抨入屜仔內. 然後伊 kā 眠床 ê 掛簾圍好勢.
等天光 ê 時, 桌頂蠟燭火已經失色, 後生慢慢離開伊 ê 交椅, 無 koh 看老母, 伊已經 kā 她宣判, 切斷她和後生 kap 查某囝中間 ê 連繫, 伊慢慢仔講: "小妹, 今咱好通離開遮."
(煞)
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2.
A rather long time passed and they arose and looked at their dead. And the memories, those distant memories, yesterday so dear, to-day so torturing, came to their minds with all the little forgotten details, those little intimate familiar details which bring back to life the one who has left. They recalled to each other circumstances, words, smiles, intonations of the mother who was no longer to speak to them. They saw her again happy and calm. They remembered things which she had said, and a little motion of the hand, like beating time, which she often used when emphasizing something important.
And they loved her as they never had loved her before. They measured the depth of their grief, and thus they discovered how lonely they would find themselves.
It was their prop, their guide, their whole youth, all the best part of their lives which was disappearing. It was their bond with life, their mother, their mamma, the connecting link with their forefathers which they would thenceforth miss. They now became solitary, lonely beings; they could no longer look back.
The nun said to her brother: “You remember how mamma used always to read her old letters; they are all there in that drawer. Let us, in turn, read them; let us live her whole life through tonight beside her! It would be like a road to the cross, like making the acquaintance of her mother, of our grandparents, whom we never knew, but whose letters are there and of whom she so often spoke, do you remember?”
Out of the drawer they took about ten little packages of yellow paper, tied with care and arranged one beside the other. They threw these relics on the bed and chose one of them on which the word “Father” was written. They opened and read it.
It was one of those old-fashioned letters which one finds in old family desk drawers, those epistles which smell of another century. The first one started: “My dear,” another one: “My beautiful little girl,” others: “My dear child,” or: “My dear (laughter)*.” And suddenly the nun began to read aloud, to read over to the dead woman her whole history, all her tender memories. The judge, resting his elbow on the bed, was listening with his eyes fastened on his mother. The motionless body seemed happy.
Sister Eulalie, interrupting herself, said suddenly:
“These ought to be put in the grave with her; they ought to be used as a shroud and she ought to be buried in it.” She took another package, on which no name was written. She began to read in a firm voice: “My adored one, I love you wildly. Since yesterday I have been suffering the tortures of the damned, haunted by our memory. I feel your lips against mine, your eyes in mine, your breast against mine. I love you, I love you! You have driven me mad. My arms open, I gasp, moved by a wild desire to hold you again. My whole soul and body cries out for you, wants you. I have kept in my mouth the taste of your kisses—”
The judge had straightened himself up. The nun stopped reading. He snatched the letter from her and looked for the signature. There was none, but only under the words, “The man who adores you,” the name “Henry.” Their father's name was Rene. Therefore this was not from him. The son then quickly rummaged through the package of letters, took one out and read: “I can no longer live without your caresses.” Standing erect, severe as when sitting on the bench, he looked unmoved at the dead woman. The nun, straight as a statue, tears trembling in the corners of her eyes, was watching her brother, waiting. Then he crossed the room slowly, went to the window and stood there, gazing out into the dark night.
When he turned around again Sister Eulalie, her eyes dry now, was still standing near the bed, her head bent down.
He stepped forward, quickly picked up the letters and threw them pell-mell back into the drawer. Then he closed the curtains of the bed.
When daylight made the candles on the table turn pale the son slowly left his armchair, and without looking again at the mother upon whom he had passed sentence, severing the tie that united her to son and daughter, he said slowly: “Let us now retire, sister.”
// 2022-5-2
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