2. Put-kò sī teh kiâⁿ pháiⁿ-ūn
Jiân-āu, iáu-koh ū chit-ê Korea ko͘-jî, thàng-kòe "Pang-chān Gín-á" kè-ōe, goán pan jīn-ióng i, choân-pan kià-hù múi kò goe̍h sì-hun-chi̍t ê kim-gia̍h, kài-liām tō sī án-ne. Ū-kàu hiau-hēng, hit-ê gín-á hō-chò Kim, hoān-sè sī in-ūi goán siuⁿ bān jīn-ióng a̍h sī án-nóa. Goán chiap tio̍h ê phe bô kóng sí-bông goân-in, in kiàn-gī goán ōaⁿ jīn-ióng pa̍t-ê gín-á, koh kià chi̍t-kóa chhù-bī ê àn-kiāⁿ, m̄-koh goán í-keng bô hit-lō sim-chiâⁿ. Choân-pan ê sim lóng teh thiàⁿ, in khai-sí (góa án-ne siūⁿ, bô-lâng ti̍t-chiap khui-chhùi kā góa kóng siáⁿ) siūⁿ-kóng, ha̍k-hāu sī-m̄-sī ū tó-ūi m̄-tú-hó. M̄-koh, góa bô jīn-ûi ha̍k-hāu ū siáⁿ te̍k-pia̍t ê būn-tê, góa bat khòaⁿ kòe khah hó ê, mā bat khòaⁿ kòe koh khah chha ê. Che put-kò sī teh kiâⁿ pháiⁿ-ūn. Pí-lūn kóng, góa tú-tio̍h bē-chió ūi ka-tiúⁿ kòe-sin. Góa ē-kì-tit ū nn̄g-ê sim-chōng-pēⁿ hoat-chok, nn̄g-ê chū-sat, chi̍t-ê hō͘ chúi im-sí, iáu-ū sì-ê tâng-chê chhut chhia-hō. Chi̍t-ê tiòng-hong. A-kong, a-má ê sí-bông, goán mā tú bē-chió, a̍h-sī kóng, khòaⁿ khí-lâi kin-nî ká-ná koh-khah chē. Lo̍h-bóe, pi-kio̍k lâi kàu-ūi.
Pi-kio̍k hoat-seng ê sî, Matthew Wein hām Tony Mavrogordo tng-teh tī lâng óe tē boeh khí sin liân-pang pān-kong tōa-lâu ê só͘-chāi hū-kīn sńg. Tī hia, chò êⁿ-á ê só͘-ū tōa chhâ-kho͘, lí chai lah, tui tī óe tē ê piⁿ-á. Ūi tio̍h che, ū chi̍t-ê hoat-têng àn-kiāⁿ teh sím-lí, ka-tiúⁿ chú-tiuⁿ kóng, hiah-ê êⁿ-á bô tui hó-sè. Góa m̄-chai siáⁿ sī chin, siáⁿ m̄-sī chin. Kin-nî si̍t-chāi ū-kàu koài-kî.
Góa bē-kì-tit thê-khí Billy Brandt in lāu-pē, i tī chhù nih, in-ūi hām chi̍t-ê bông-bīn ê chhim-ji̍p-chiá chhia-piàⁿ, khì hō͘ thâi kah bô-miā.
Ū chi̍t-kang, goán tī khò-tn̂g ū chi̍t-ê thó-lūn. In mn̄g góa, in tó-ūi khì ah? Chhiū-á, thô͘-liông, jia̍t-tài hî, Edgar, papa hām mama, Matthew hām Tony, in khì tó-ūi? Góa kóng, góa m̄-chai, góa mā m̄-chai. In tō kóng, siáng chai-iáⁿ? góa tō kóng, bô-lâng chai. Koh-lâi, in kóng, kám sī sí-bông hō͘ sèⁿ-miā ū ì-gī? Góa tō kóng, m̄-sī, hō͘ sèⁿ-miā ū ì-gī ê sī oa̍h-miā. Jiân-āu, in kóng, m̄-koh, kám m̄-sī sí-bông, chò-ûi chi̍t-ê ki-pún sò͘-kì, chiah-sī chi̍t-chióng chhiú-tōaⁿ, kō͘ chit-ê chhiú-tōaⁿ, hō͘ lán jīn-ûi tong-jiân ê ji̍t-siông pêng-hoân tāi-chì ē-tit chhiau-thoat kiâⁿ hiòng...
Góa kóng, sī ah, ū khó-lêng.
In kóng, goán bô kah-ì án-ne.
Góa kóng, chiâⁿ hó.
In kóng, che sī lâu-hoeh lâu tih ê bē-kiàn-siàu!
Góa kóng, tio̍h.
In kóng, taⁿ lí kám boeh hām Helen (goán ê chō͘-kàu) chò-ài, án-ne goán chiah chai-iáⁿ he sī án-chóaⁿ chò? Goán lóng chai, lí kah-ì Helen.
Góa khak-si̍t kah-ì Helen, m̄-koh góa m̄.
In kóng, he goán thiaⁿ kòe chin chē ah, m̄-koh m̄-bat khòaⁿ tio̍h.
Góa kóng, góa ē hông thâi-thâu, koh kóng, he m̄-bat, a̍h chha-put-to m̄-bat, the̍h-lâi chò sī-hoān. Helen khòaⁿ ǹg thang-á gōa-kháu khì.
In kóng, pài-thok, pài-thok lí hām Helen chò-ài, goán su-iàu kè-ta̍t ê khak-jīn, goán lóng chin tio̍h-kiaⁿ.
Góa kóng, in m̄-thang tio̍h-kiaⁿ (sui-bóng góa tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ tio̍h-kiaⁿ), koh kóng, sì-kè lóng ū kè-ta̍t. Helen kiâⁿ óa góa, kā góa lám tio̍h. Góa chim yi ê ba̍k-bâi kúi-ā ē. Goán sio-lám chò-hóe. Gín-á lóng khí-tiô. Jiân-āu, ū-lâng khok-mn̂g, góa khui mn̂g, jiân-āu sin ê soa-chhí kiâⁿ ji̍p-lâi. Gín-á hoah-hiu kah ná khí-siáu.
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2. 不過是 teh 行歹運
然後, 猶閣有這个 Korea 孤兒, 迵過 "幫贊囡仔" 計畫, 阮班認養伊, 全班寄付每個月四分一 ê 金額, 概念就是 án-ne. 有夠僥倖, 彼个囡仔號做 Kim, 凡勢是因為阮 siuⁿ 慢認養抑是按怎. 阮接著 ê 批無講死亡原因, in 建議阮換認養別个囡仔, koh 寄一寡趣味 ê 案件, 毋過阮已經無彼號心情. 全班 ê 心 lóng teh 疼, in 開始 (我 án-ne 想, 無人直接開喙 kā 我講啥) 想講, 學校是毋是有佗位毋拄好. 毋過, 我無認為學校有啥特別 ê 問題, 我 bat 看過較好 ê, mā bat 看過閣較差 ê. 這不過是 teh 行歹運. 比論講, 我拄著袂少位家長過身. 我會記得有兩个心臟病發作, 兩个自殺, 一个予水淹死, 猶有四个同齊出車禍. 一个中風. 阿公, 阿媽 ê 死亡, 阮 mā 拄袂少, 抑是講, 看起來今年 ká-ná 閣較濟. 落尾, 悲劇來到位.
悲劇發生 ê 時, Matthew Wein 和 Tony Mavrogordo tng-teh tī 人挖地欲起新聯邦辦公大樓 ê 所在附近耍. Tī 遐, 做楹仔 ê 所有大柴箍, 你知 lah, 堆 tī 挖地 ê 邊仔. 為著這, 有一个法庭案件 teh 審理, 家長主張講, hiah-ê 楹仔無堆好勢. 我毋知啥是真, 啥毋是真. 今年實在有夠怪奇.
我袂記得提起 Billy Brandt in 老爸, 伊 tī 厝 nih, 因為和一个蒙面 ê 侵入者捙拚, 去予刣甲無命.
有一工, 阮 tī 課堂有一个討論. In 問我, in 佗位去 ah? 樹仔, 塗龍, 熱帶魚, Edgar, papa 和 mama, Matthew 和 Tony, in 去佗位? 我講, 我毋知, 我 mā 毋知. In tō 講, siáng 知影? 我 tō 講, 無人知. 閣來, in 講, 敢是死亡予性命有意義? 我 tō 講, 毋是, 予性命有意義 ê 是活命. 然後, in 講, 毋過, 敢毋是死亡, 做為一个基本數據, 才是一種手段, kō͘ 這个手段, 予咱認為當然 ê 日常平凡代誌會得超脫行向...
我講, 是 ah, 有可能.
In 講, 阮無佮意 án-ne.
我講, 誠好.
In 講, 這是流血流滴 ê 袂見笑!
我講, 著.
In 講, 今你敢欲和 Helen (阮 ê 助教) 做愛, án-ne 阮才知影彼是按怎做? 阮 lóng 知, 你佮意 Helen.
我確實佮意 Helen, 毋過我 m̄.
In 講, he 阮聽過真濟 ah, 毋過 m̄-bat 看著.
我講, 我會 hông 刣頭, koh 講, he m̄-bat, a̍h 差不多 m̄-bat, 提來做示範. Helen 看 ǹg 窗仔外口去.
In 講, 拜託, 拜託你和 Helen 做愛, 阮需要價值 ê 確認, 阮 lóng 真著驚.
我講, in 毋通著驚 (雖罔我定定著驚), koh 講, 四界 lóng 有價值. Helen 行倚我, kā 我攬著. 我唚她 ê 目眉幾若下. 阮相攬做伙. 囡仔 lóng 起趒. 然後, 有人硞門, 我開門, 然後新 ê 沙鼠行入來. 囡仔喝咻甲 ná 起痟.
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2.
And then there was this Korean orphan that the class adopted through the Help the Children program, all the kids brought in a quarter a month, that was the idea. It was an unfortunate thing, the kid’s name was Kim and maybe we adopted him too late or something. The cause of death was not stated in the letter we got, they suggested we adopt another child instead and sent us some interesting case histories, but we didn’t have the heart. The class took it pretty hard, they began (I think, nobody ever said anything to me directly) to feel that maybe there was something wrong with the school. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the school, particularly, I’ve seen better and I’ve seen worse. It was just a run of bad luck. We had an extraordinary number of parents passing away, for instance. There were I think two heart attacks and two suicides, one drowning, and four killed together in a car accident. One stroke. And we had the usual heavy mortality rate among the grandparents, or maybe it was heavier this year, it seemed so. And finally the tragedy.
The tragedy occurred when Matthew Wein and Tony Mavrogordo were playing over where they’re excavating for the new federal office building. There were all these big wooden beams stacked, you know, at the edge of the excavation. There’s a court case coming out of that, the parents are claiming that the beams were poorly stacked. I don’t know what’s true and what’s not. It’s been a strange year.
I forgot to mention Billy Brandt’s father who was knifed fatally when he grappled with a masked intruder in his home.
One day, we had a discussion in class. They asked me, where did they go? The trees, the salamander, the tropical fish, Edgar, the poppas and mommas, Matthew and Tony, where did they go? And I said, I don’t know, I don’t know. And they said, who knows? and I said, nobody knows. And they said, is death that which gives meaning to life? And I said no, life is that which gives meaning to life. Then they said, but isn’t death, considered as a fundamental datum, the means by which the taken-for-granted mundanity of the everyday may be transcended in the direction of —
I said, yes, maybe.
They said, we don’t like it.
I said, that’s sound.
They said, it’s a bloody shame!
I said, it is.
They said, will you make love now with Helen (our teaching assistant) so that we can see how it is done? We know you like Helen.
I do like Helen but I said that I would not.
We’ve heard so much about it, they said, but we’ve never seen it.
I said I would be fired and that it was never, or almost never, done as a demonstration. Helen looked out of the window.
They said, please, please make love with Helen, we require an assertion of value, we are frightened.
I said that they shouldn’t be frightened (although I am often frightened) and that there was value everywhere. Helen came and embraced me. I kissed her a few times on the brow. We held each other. The children were excited. Then there was a knock on the door, I opened the door, and the new gerbil walked in. The children cheered wildly.
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// 2022-6-10
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