2. I kā chiàⁿ-chhiú tòng-chò tò-chhiú
Hit-sî Crimea chiàn-cheng tú-tú po̍k-hoat. Tong-jiân tio̍h ài ū chiàn-cheng, góa án-ne kā ka-tī kóng: lán bē-sái ū hô-pêng, koh hō͘ chit-chiah lî-á tī i hông hoat-hiān chìn-chêng ū ki-hōe sí. Góa teh tán tē-tāng. Taⁿ he lâi ah. He chin-chiàⁿ lâi ê sî, góa kám-kak tio̍h-kiaⁿ. I soah hông jīm-bēng chò chi̍t-ê hêng-kun thoân ê siōng-ùi! It-poaⁿ khah gâu ê lâng tio̍h chò kah lāu, chò kah thâu-chang pe̍h chiah peh kàu hiah koân. Siáng liāu ē-kàu, in ē kā chiah tāng ê chek-jīm teh hō͘ chit-lō chheⁿ-siap koh bô sek-ha̍p ê keng-thâu? In nā hō͘ i chò siáu-ùi, góa bián-kióng ē-tàng chiap-siū; m̄-koh sī siōng-ùi neh -- lí siūⁿ khòaⁿ-māi leh! Góa siūⁿ góa ê thâu-chang boeh piàn pe̍h ah-lah.
Siūⁿ khòaⁿ góa án-chóaⁿ chò -- góa sī kah-ì chheng-êng koh bô chok-ûi ê lâng. Góa án-ne kā ka-tī kóng, ūi tio̍h che, góa tùi kok-ka ū chek-jīm, góa tio̍h hām i tâng-chê, chīn-liōng pó-hō͘ kok-ka bián siū i ê éng-hióng. Só͘-tì, góa the̍h góa kúi-nî lâi kang-chok hām khîn-khiām chiat-séng ê chi̍t-tiám-á khó-liân ê chu-pún, thó͘ chi̍t-ê tn̂g-khùi, tī in thoân nih bé chi̍t-ê siáu-ùi ê kai-kip, jiân-āu goán tō chiūⁿ chiàn-tiûⁿ khì.
Kàu hia liáu -- oh, thiⁿ ah, chin-chiàⁿ khó-phà. Sit-gō͘? Ai-ah, tî-liáu sit-gō͘, i siáⁿ to bô chò. M̄-koh, lí khòaⁿ, bô lâng chai-iáⁿ chit-kho͘ ê pì-bi̍t -- ta̍k-ê lóng khòaⁿ m̄-tio̍h i ê tiōng-tiám, koh pit-jiân ta̍k-pái lóng gō͘-kái i ê piáu-hiān -- chū án-ne, in kā i hàu-tai ê sit-gō͘ tòng-chò i thian-châi ê lêng-kám; in khak-si̍t sī án-ne, chin ê! I siōng khin ê sit-gō͘ tō ū-kàu hō͘ thâu-khak chèng-siông ê lâng khàu; he chin-chiàⁿ ū hō͘ góa khàu -- mā su-té-hā iū khì iū nō͘. Iá hō͘ góa it-ti̍t kiaⁿ kah sìm-kōaⁿ ê tāi-chì sī, i ê múi chi̍t-ê sit-gō͘ lóng hō͘ i ê miâ-siaⁿ koh-khah hiáng-liāng! Góa tiu-tiu án-ne kā ka-tī kóng, i ē peh kah siuⁿ koân, it-tàn hông hoat-hiān, he tō ná ji̍t-thâu poa̍h lo̍h thiⁿ.
I it-ti̍t peh koân, chi̍t kai-kip koh chi̍t kai-kip, ta̍h-kòe téng-si ê sí-thé, ti̍t kàu siōng-bóe, tī bó͘-bó͘ só͘-chāi chiàn kah siōng-jia̍t ê sî, goán siōng-hāu tó lo̍h-khì, góa ê sim kiông boeh thiàu chhut-lâi, in-ūi Scoresby sī tī koh loeh hit-ê kai-kip! Taⁿ, hāi ah, góa án-ne kóng; koh 10 hun-cheng lán lóng tio̍h lo̍h tē-ga̍k ah, khak-tēng.
Chiàn-tàu hui-siông kek-lia̍t; bêng-kun tī chiàn-tiûⁿ put-toān thè-niū. Goán thoân chiàm tī tiōng-iàu ê só͘-chāi; chit-sî nā chhut chha-chhò tāi-chì tō hāi liáu-liáu. Tī chit-ê koan-kiān sî-khek, chit-kho͘ gōng sian kèng-jiân kā goán thoân tiàu-lī chit-ê só͘-chāi, koh bēng-lēng khì chìn-kong hū-kīn ê chi̍t-ê soaⁿ-thâu, hia kin-pún to bô te̍k-kun ê iáⁿ-jiah! "Taⁿ khì ah!" góa án-ne kā ka-tī kóng; "che tō sī chòe-āu ê kiat-kio̍k ah."
Goán chin-chiàⁿ khì, tī chit-chióng hong-kông ê oa̍h-tāng pī hoat-hiān koh chó͘-tòng chìn-chêng, goán í-keng peh kòe soaⁿ io. Goán hoat-hiān siáⁿ? Chi̍t-tūi oân-choân bô liāu-tio̍h ê Rusia ī-pī kun! Āu-lâi án-chóaⁿ ah? Goán hông chia̍h khì? He sī 100-hun-99 tiāⁿ-tio̍h án-ne hoat-seng ê tāi-chì. M̄-koh, bô, hiah-ê Rusia lâng jīn-ûi, tī chit-chióng sî-chūn, tan-to̍k ê thoân bē lâi chit hū-kīn koan-chhat. He tek-khak sī kui-ê Eng-kok kun-tūi, í-keng hoat-hiān koh chó͘-tòng kan-khá ê Rusia kúi-kè; só͘-í in hoan-thâu tō cháu, li-li lak-lak án-ne lī-khui hit só͘-chāi, pôaⁿ kòe soaⁿ, lo̍h pêⁿ-iûⁿ khì, chi̍t-phiàn tōa hūn-loān, hō͘ goán jiok tī in āu-bīn; in ka-tī kā tī pêⁿ-iûⁿ, kian-kò͘ ê Rusia tiong-sim lòng khui, koh liah chhng kòe, chek-sî chhut-hiān lí m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe ê ke̍k-tāi khùi-pāi, bêng-kun ê chiàn-pāi mā choán-piàn chò hoâiⁿ-sàu it-chhè ê hui-hông sèng-lī! Canrobert Goân-sòe khòaⁿ tio̍h che, kiaⁿ-gî, khim-phòe koh hoaⁿ-hí kah khí-gông; chek-sî phài lâng kiò Scoresby lâi, i kā lám leh, tī chiàn-tiûⁿ, tī só͘-ū kun-tūi bīn-chêng, pan-hoat hun-chiong hō͘ i.
Scoresby chit-pái ê sit-gō͘ sī siáⁿ-mi̍h? Put-kò sī kā i ê chiàⁿ-chhiú tòng-chò tò-chhiú -- kan-ta án-ne niā-niā. Hō͘ i ê bēng-lēng sī thiat-thè khì chi-oān goán ê chiàⁿ-pêng; m̄-koh i soah tó hiòng chêng, hoan-soaⁿ khì tò-pêng. M̄-koh, i hit-kang tit-tio̍h ê, kóng i sī kun-sū thian-châi ê miâ-siaⁿ, hō͘ i ê êng-iāu chhiong-móa sè-kài, iá chit-chióng êng-iāu tī le̍k-sú chheh nih éng-oán tō bē siau-sit.
I ê siān-liông, tah-sim, khó-ài, phok-si̍t, kap it-poaⁿ lâng bô cheng-chha, m̄-koh lo̍h-hō͘ ê sî, i m̄-chai thang ji̍p-lâi. Che choa̍t-tùi sī sū-si̍t. I sī ú-tiū tang-tiong tē-it iu-siù ê lî-á; pòaⁿ tiám-cheng chêng, tî liáu i ka-tī hām góa í-gōa, bô-lâng bat i. Chi̍t-kang koh chi̍t-kang, chi̍t-nî koh chi̍t-nî, i hō͘ siōng kî-miāu, siōng kiaⁿ-lâng ê hó-ūn tòe tiâu-tiâu. Tī lán chit-tē-lâng só͘-ū ê chiàn-cheng tang-tiong, i sī chi̍t-ê kim sih-sih ê kun-jîn; i ê kun-jîn seng-oa̍h tang-tiong chhiong-móa sit-gō͘, m̄-koh, kî-tiong bô chi̍t-hāng m̄-sī hō͘ i chiâⁿ-chò khî-sū, lâm-chiok a̍h niá-chú a̍h siáⁿ-mi̍h. Lí khòaⁿ i ê heng-chêng; ai-ah, i kan-ta kòa pún-kok kap kok-gōa ê hun-chiong. Hmh, sian-siⁿ, he múi chi̍t-ê lóng sī bó͘-chióng tōa gû-gōng ê kì-lo̍k; kā tàu chò-hóe, án-ne mā ē-sái chèng-bêng, tī sè-kài siōng, tùi chi̍t-ê lâng siōng hó ê tāi-chì tō sī thian-seng hó-ūn. Góa koh kóng chi̍t-piàn, tō ná chhiūⁿ góa tī iàn-hōe só͘ kóng ê, Scoresby choa̍t-tùi sī chi̍t-ê gōng-tai.
(Soah)
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2. 伊 kā 正手當做倒手
彼時 Crimea 戰爭拄拄爆發. 當然著愛有戰爭, 我 án-ne kā 家己講: 咱袂使有和平, koh 予這隻驢仔 tī 伊 hông 發現進前有機會死. 我 teh 等地動. 今彼來 ah. 彼真正來 ê 時, 我感覺著驚. 伊煞 hông 任命做一个行軍團 ê 上尉! 一般較 gâu ê 人著做甲老, 做甲頭鬃白才 peh 到 hiah 懸. Siáng 料會到, in 會 kā chiah 重 ê 責任硩予 chit-lō 生澀 koh 無適合 ê 肩頭? In 若予伊做少尉, 我勉強會當接受; 毋過是上尉 neh -- 你想看覓 leh! 我想我 ê 頭鬃欲變白 ah-lah.
想看我按怎做 -- 我是佮意清閒 koh 無作為 ê 人. 我 án-ne kā 家己講, 為著這, 我對國家有責任, 我著和伊同齊, 盡量保護國家免受伊 ê 影響. 所致, 我提我幾年來工作和勤儉節省 ê 一點仔可憐 ê 資本, 吐一个長氣, tī in 團 nih 買一个少尉 ê 階級, 然後阮 tō 上戰場去.
到遐了 -- oh, 天 ah, 真正可怕. 失誤? Ai-ah, 除了失誤, 伊啥 to 無做. 毋過, 你看, 無人知影這箍 ê 祕密 -- 逐个 lóng 看毋著伊 ê 重點, koh 必然逐擺 lóng 誤解伊 ê 表現 -- 自 án-ne, in kā 伊孝呆 ê 失誤當做伊天才 ê 靈感; in 確實是 án-ne, 真 ê! 伊上輕 ê 失誤 tō 有夠予頭殼正常 ê 人哭; 彼真正有予我哭 -- mā 私底下又氣又怒. Iá 予我一直驚甲沁汗 ê 代誌是, 伊 ê 每一个失誤 lóng 予伊 ê 名聲閣較響亮! 我 tiu-tiu án-ne kā 家己講, 伊會 peh 甲 siuⁿ 懸, 一旦 hông 發現, 彼 tō ná 日頭跋落天.
伊一直 peh 懸, 一階級 koh 一階級, 踏過頂司 ê 死體, 直到上尾, tī 某某所在戰甲上熱 ê 時, 阮上校倒落去, 我 ê 心強欲跳出來, 因為 Scoresby sī tī koh loeh 彼个階級! 今, 害 ah, 我 án-ne 講; koh 10 分鐘咱 lóng 著落地獄 ah, 確定.
戰鬥非常激烈; 盟軍 tī 戰場不斷退讓. 阮團佔 tī 重要 ê 所在; 這時若出差錯代誌 tō 害了了. Tī 這个關鍵時刻, 這箍戇仙竟然 kā 阮團調離這个所在, koh 命令去進攻附近 ê 一个山頭, hia 根本 to 無敵軍 ê 影跡! "今去 ah!" 我 án-ne kā 家己講; "這 tō 是最後 ê 結局 ah."
阮真正去, tī 這種慌狂 ê 活動被發現 koh 阻擋進前, 阮已經 peh 過山腰. 阮發現啥? 一隊完全無料著 ê Rusia 預備軍! 後來按怎 ah? 阮 hông 食去? 彼是 100 分 99 定著 án-ne 發生 ê 代誌. 毋過, 無, hiah-ê Rusia 人認為, tī 這種時陣, 單獨 ê 團袂來這附近觀察. He 的確是規个英國軍隊, 已經發現 koh 阻擋奸巧 ê Rusia 詭計; 所以 in 翻頭 tō 走, li-li lak-lak án-ne 離開彼所在, 盤過山, 落平陽去, 一遍大混亂, 予阮逐 tī in 後面; in 家己 kā tī 平陽, 堅固 ê Rusia 中心挵開, koh 裂穿過, 即時出現你毋捌看過 ê 極大潰敗, 盟軍 ê 戰敗 mā 轉變做橫掃一切 ê 輝煌勝利! Canrobert 元帥看著這, 驚疑, 欽佩 koh 歡喜甲起 gông; 即時派人叫 Scoresby 來, 伊 kā 攬 leh, tī 戰場, tī 所有軍隊面前, 頒發勳章予伊.
Scoresby 這擺 ê 失誤是啥物? 不過是 kā 伊 ê 正手當做倒手 -- 干焦 án-ne niā-niā. 予伊 ê 命令是撤退去支援阮 ê 正爿; 毋過伊煞倒向前, 翻山去倒爿. 毋過, 伊彼工得著 ê, 講伊是軍事天才 ê 名聲, 予伊 ê 榮耀充滿世界, iá 這種榮耀 tī 歷史冊 nih 永遠 tō 袂消失.
伊 ê 善良, 搭心, 可愛, 樸實, kap 一般人無精差, 毋過落雨 ê 時, 伊毋知通入來. 這絕對是事實. 伊是宇宙當中第一優秀 ê 驢仔; 半點鐘前, 除了伊家己和我以外, 無人捌伊. 一工 koh 一工, 一年 koh 一年, 伊予上奇妙, 上驚人 ê 好運綴牢牢. Tī 咱這代人所有 ê 戰爭當中, 伊是一个金 sih-sih ê 軍人; 伊 ê 軍人生活當中充滿失誤, 毋過, 其中無一項毋是予伊成做騎士, 男爵 a̍h 領主 a̍h 啥物. 你看伊 ê 胸前; ai-ah, 伊干焦掛本國 kap 國外 ê 勳章. Hmh, 先生, he 每一个 lóng 是某種大愚戇 ê 記錄; kā 鬥做伙, án-ne mā 會使證明, tī 世界上, 對一个人上好 ê 代誌 tō 是天生好運. 我 koh 講一遍, tō ná 像我 tī 宴會所講 ê, Scoresby 絕對是一个戇呆.
(煞)
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2.
The Crimean war had just broken out. Of course there had to be a war, I said to myself: we couldn't have peace and give this donkey a chance to die before he is found out. I waited for the earthquake. It came. And it made me reel when it did come. He was actually gazetted to a captaincy in a marching regiment! Better men grow old and gray in the service before they climb to a sublimity like that. And who could ever have foreseen that they would go and put such a load of responsibility on such green and inadequate shoulders? I could just barely have stood it if they had made him a cornet; but a captain—think of it! I thought my hair would turn white.
Consider what I did—I who so loved repose and inaction. I said to myself, I am responsible to the country for this, and I must go along with him and protect the country against him as far as I can. So I took my poor little capital that I had saved up through years of work and grinding economy, and went with a sigh and bought a cornetcy in his regiment, and away we went to the field.
And there—oh dear, it was awful. Blunders? Why, he never did anything but blunder. But, you see, nobody was in the fellow's secret—everybody had him focused wrong, and necessarily misinterpreted his performance every time—consequently they took his idiotic blunders for inspirations of genius; they did, honestly! His mildest blunders were enough to make a man in his right mind cry; and they did make me cry—and rage and rave too, privately. And the thing that kept me always in a sweat of apprehension was the fact that every fresh blunder he made increased the luster of his reputation! I kept saying to myself, he'll get so high, that when discovery does finally come, it will be like the sun falling out of the sky.
He went right along up, from grade to grade, over the dead bodies of his superiors, until at last, in the hottest moment of the battle of ------- down went our colonel, and my heart jumped into my mouth, for Scoresby was next in rank! Now for it, said I; we'll all land in Sheol in ten minutes, sure.
The battle was awfully hot; the allies were steadily giving way all over the field. Our regiment occupied a position that was vital; a blunder now must be destruction. At this crucial moment, what does this immortal fool do but detach the regiment from its place and order a charge over a neighboring hill where there wasn't a suggestion of an enemy! "There you go!" I said to myself; "this is the end at last."
And away we did go, and were over the shoulder of the hill before the insane movement could be discovered and stopped. And what did we find? An entire and unsuspected Russian army in reserve! And what happened? We were eaten up? That is necessarily what would have happened in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred. But no, those Russians argued that no single regiment would come browsing around there at such a time. It must be the entire English army, and that the sly Russian game was detected and blocked; so they turned tail, and away they went, pell-mell, over the hill and down into the field, in wild confusion, and we after them; they themselves broke the solid Russian center in the field, and tore through, and in no time there was the most tremendous rout you ever saw, and the defeat of the allies was turned into a sweeping and splendid victory! Marshal Canrobert looked on, dizzy with astonishment, admiration,and delight; and sent right off for Scoresby, and hugged him, and decorated him on the field, in presence of all the armies!
And what was Scoresby's blunder that time? Merely the mistaking his right hand for his left—that was all. An order had come to him to fall back and support our right; and instead, he fell forward and went over the hill to the left. But the name he won that day as a marvelous military genius filled the world with his glory, and that glory will never fade while history books last.
He is just as good and sweet and lovable and unpretending as a man can be, but he doesn't know enough to come in when it rains. Now that is absolutely true. He is the supremest ass in the universe; and until half an hour ago nobody knew it but himself and me. He has been pursued, day by day and year by year, by a most phenomenal and astonishing luckiness. He has been a shining soldier in all our wars for a generation; he has littered his whole military life with blunders, and yet has never committed one that didn't make him a knight or a baronet or a lord or something. Look at his breast; why, he is just clothed in domestic and foreign decorations. Well, sir, every one of them is the record of some shouting stupidity or other; and taken together, they are proof that the very best thing in all this world that can befall a man is to be born lucky. I say again, as I said at the banquet, Scoresby's an absolute fool.
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// 2022-7-4
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