2. He tō sī ài lah!
"Thiⁿ ah!" Alan kóng, kek chi̍t-ê kap kho-ha̍k bô tī-tāi ê piáu-chêng. "Chiâⁿ chhù-bī!"
"M̄-koh, lí tio̍h khó-lī cheng-sîn hit hong-bīn," lāu-lâng kóng.
"Góa ē, tek-khak ē," Alan kóng.
"Tùi léng-tām," lāu-lâng kóng, "tio̍h kō͘ khiân-sêng tāi-thè. Tùi biáu-sī, kō͘ chông-pài. Kā sió-liōng ê che hō͘ hit-ê siàu-liân lú-sū -- tī kam-á chiap, thng, a̍h ke-bóe-chiú nih, che kháu-bī kak-chhat bē chhut-lâi -- m̄-koán yi gōa hèng-sńg a̍h khin-phû, yi ē kui-ê kái-piàn. Yi ē kan-ta ài ko͘-to̍k a̍h ài lí niā-niā."
"Góa lân-tit siong-sìn neh," Alan kóng. "Yi hiah-nī hèng party."
"Yi bē koh hèng he ah-lah," lāu-lâng kóng. "Yi ē kiaⁿ lí khó-lêng tú-tio̍h súi ko͘-niû-á."
"Yi chin-chiàⁿ ē chia̍h-chhò͘?" Alan thiòng kah kiò chhut-siaⁿ. "Ūi tio̍h góa?"
"Tio̍h, yi ē boeh ài chiâⁿ-chò lí só͘ su-iàu ê lâng."
"Yi í-keng sī ah. Chí-sī, yi tùi che bô iàu-ì."
"Yi ē, ho̍k-iōng liáu-āu. Yi ē chhim-chhim iàu-ì. Lí ē chiâⁿ-chò yi seng-oa̍h ê ûi-it tiōng-sim"
"Chán lah!" Alan hoah siaⁿ.
"Yi ē siūⁿ boeh chai lí ê it-chhè," lāu-lâng kóng. "Kui-kang hoat-seng tī lí ê tāi-chì. Múi chi̍t-kù ōe. Yi ē siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ lí teh siūⁿ siáⁿ, sī án-chóaⁿ lí hut-jiân teh chhiò, sī án-chóaⁿ lí khòaⁿ khí-lâi pi-siong."
"He tō sī ài lah!" Alan án-ne hoah.
"Tio̍h," lāu-lâng kóng. "Yi ē chiâⁿ sió-sim chiàu-kò͘ lí! Yi ē m̄-chún lí siuⁿ thiám, m̄-chún lí siàn léng hong, m̄-chún lí làng-tǹg bô chia̍h. Lí nā òaⁿ chi̍t tiám-cheng, yi ē khí chheⁿ-kiaⁿ. Yi ē siūⁿ-kóng lí hông thâi, a̍h sī hō͘ iau-chiaⁿ lia̍h khì."
"Góa àm-siūⁿ mā siūⁿ bē-kàu Diana ē chhin-chhiūⁿ án-ne!" Alan hoah-siaⁿ, thiòng kah boeh poa̍h-tó.
"Lí m̄-bián àm-siūⁿ lah," lāu-lâng kóng. "Hoán tò-tńg lâi kóng, sì-kè lóng mā ū iau-chiaⁿ, í-āu lí nā ū siáⁿ ki-hōe, sió-khóa oai-ko chi̍t-ē, lí mā bián kòa-ì. Chiong-kî-bóe, yi mā ē goân-liōng lí. Tong-jiân, yi ē siū tio̍h tōa-tōa ê siong-hāi, m̄-koh, yi mā ē goân liōng lí -- chiong-kî-bóe."
"He bē hoat-seng lah," Alan jia̍t-sim kóng,
"Tong-jiân bē," lāu-lâng kóng. "M̄-koh, bān-it he hoat-seng, lí mā bián hoân-ló. Yi éng-oán to bē kap lí lī-hun. Oh, bē! Iáu-ū, tong-jiân, yi mā bē hō͘ lí ū chi̍t sut-á, ū chi̍t sut-sut-á li̍p-tiûⁿ khì -- put-an."
"Iá taⁿ, chit-chióng sian-tan," Alan kóng, "án-chóaⁿ bē ah?"
"Che bô kài kùi," lāu-lâng kóng, "bô chhiūⁿ chhiú-thò chheng-kiat-che, a̍h ū-sî góa kā kiò chò seng-oa̍h chheng-kiat-che, hiah kùi. He tio̍h 5000 kho͘, chi̍t-sén to bē kiám-tit. Tio̍h nî-hòe khah tōa kòe lí ê lâng, chiah ē bê-chùi hit-lō mi̍h. In tio̍h hó-hó-á khiām-chîⁿ chiah lâi bé."
"Iá he ài-chêng io̍h-chúi neh?" Alan kóng.
"Oh, he ah," lāu-lâng kóng, thoah khui chàu-kha toh ê thoah-á, the̍h chhut chi̍t-ê sè-sè, thái-ko thái-ko ê po-lê koàn-á. "He kan-ta bē chi̍t kho͘."
"Góa m̄-chai án-chóaⁿ piáu-ta̍t góa ê kám-kek," Alan kóng, ná khòaⁿ i thîn tīⁿ hit-ê koàn-á.
"Góa ê êng-hēng," lāu-lâng kóng. "Án-ne kò͘-kheh chiah ē koh tńg-lâi, tī í-āu ê seng-oa̍h tiong, tán in khah ū-chîⁿ, siūⁿ boeh khah kùi ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. The̍h khì. Lí ē hoat-hiān, che put-chí-á ū-hāu."
"Koh-chài kám-siā lí," Alan kóng. "Chài-hōe."
"Bye-bye," hit-lâng kóng.
(Soah)
--
2. 彼 tō 是愛 lah!
"天 ah!" Alan 講, 激一个 kap 科學無 tī-tāi ê 表情. "誠趣味!"
"毋過, 你著考慮精神彼方面," 老人講.
"我會, 的確會," Alan 講.
"對冷淡," 老人講, "著 kō͘ 虔誠代替. 對藐視, kō͘ 崇拜. Kā 小量 ê 這予彼个少年女士 -- tī 柑仔汁, 湯, a̍h 雞尾酒 nih, 這口味覺察袂出來 -- 毋管她偌興耍 a̍h 輕浮, 她會規个改變. 她會干焦愛孤獨 a̍h 愛你 niā-niā."
"我難得相信 neh," Alan 講. "她 hiah-nī 興 party."
"她袂 koh 興彼 ah-lah," 老人講. "她會驚你可能拄著媠姑娘仔."
"她真正會食醋?" Alan 暢甲叫出聲. "為著我?"
"著, 她會欲愛成做你所需要 ê 人."
"她已經是 ah. 只是, 她對這無要意."
"她會, 服用了後. 她會深深要意. 你會成做她生活 ê 唯一重心"
"讚 lah!" Alan 喝聲.
"她會想欲知你 ê 一切," 老人講. "規工發生 tī 你 ê 代誌. 每一句話. 她會想欲知影你 teh 想啥, 是按怎你忽然 teh 笑, 是按怎你看起來悲傷."
"彼 tō 是愛 lah!" Alan án-ne 喝.
"著," 老人講. "她會誠小心照顧你! 她會毋准你 siuⁿ 忝, 毋准你搧冷風, 毋准你閬頓無食. 你若晏一點鐘, 她會起生驚. 她會想講你 hông 刣, a̍h 是予妖精掠去."
"我暗想 mā 想袂到 Diana 會親像 án-ne!" Alan 喝聲, 暢甲欲跋倒.
"你毋免暗想 lah," 老人講. "反倒轉來講, 四界 lóng mā 有妖精, 以後你若有啥機會, 小可歪哥一下, 你 mā 免掛意. 終其尾, 她 mā 會原諒你. 當然, 她會受著大大 ê 傷害, 毋過, 她 mā 會原諒你 -- 終其尾."
"彼袂發生 lah," Alan 熱心講,
"當然袂," 老人講. "毋過, 萬一彼發生, 你 mā 免煩惱. 她永遠 to 袂 kap 你離婚. Oh, 袂! 猶有, 當然, 她 mā 袂予你有一屑仔, 有一屑屑仔立場去 -- 不安."
"Iá 今, 這種仙丹," Alan 講, "按怎賣 ah?"
"這無 kài 貴," 老人講, "無像手套清潔劑, a̍h 有時我 kā 叫做生活清潔劑, hiah 貴. 彼著 5000 kho͘, 一 sén to 袂減得. 著年歲較大過你 ê 人, 才會迷醉彼號物. In 著好好仔儉錢才來買."
"Iá 彼愛情藥水 neh?" Alan 講.
"Oh, 彼 ah," 老人講, 挩開灶跤桌 ê 屜仔, 提出一个細細, thái-ko thái-ko ê 玻璃罐仔. "彼干焦賣一 kho͘."
"我毋知按怎表達我 ê 感激," Alan 講, ná 看伊斟滇彼个罐仔.
"我 ê 榮幸," 老人講. "Án-ne 顧客才會 koh 轉來, tī 以後 ê 生活中, 等 in 較有錢, 想欲較貴 ê 物件. 提去. 你會發現, 這不止仔有效."
"閣再感謝你," Alan 講. "再會."
"Bye-bye," 彼人講.
(煞)
--
2.
"Dear me!" said Alan, attempting a look of scientific detachment. "How very interesting!"
"But consider the spiritual side," said the old man.
"I do, indeed," said Alan.
"For indifference," said the old man, they substitute devotion. For scorn, adoration. Give one tiny measure of this to the young lady--its flavour is imperceptible in orange juice, soup, or cocktails--and however gay and giddy she is, she will change altogether. She will want nothing but solitude and you."
"I can hardly believe it," said Alan. "She is so fond of parties."
"She will not like them any more," said the old man. "She will be afraid of the pretty girls you may meet."
"She will actually be jealous?" cried Alan in a rapture. "Of me?"
"Yes, she will want to be everything to you."
"She is, already. Only she doesn't care about it."
"She will, when she has taken this. She will care intensely. You will be her sole interest in life."
"Wonderful!" cried Alan.
"She will want to know all you do," said the old man. "All that has happened to you during the day. Every word of it. She will want to know what you are thinking about, why you smile suddenly, why you are looking sad."
"That is love!" cried Alan.
"Yes," said the old man. "How carefully she will look after you! She will never allow you to be tired, to sit in a draught, to neglect your food. If you are an hour late, she will be terrified. She will think you are killed, or that some siren has caught you."
"I can hardly imagine Diana like that!" cried Alan, overwhelmed with joy.
"You will not have to use your imagination," said the old man. "And, by the way, since there are always sirens, if by any chance you should, later on, slip a little, you need not worry. She will forgive you, in the end. She will be terribly hurt, of course, but she will forgive you--in the end."
"That will not happen," said Alan fervently.
"Of course not," said the old man. "But, if it did, you need not worry. She would never divorce you. Oh, no! And, of course, she will never give you the least, the very least, grounds for--uneasiness."
"And how much," said Alan, "is this wonderful mixture?"
"It is not as dear," said the old man, "as the glove-cleaner, or life-cleaner, as I sometimes call it. No. That is five thousand dollars, never a penny less. One has to be older than you are, to indulge in that sort of thing. One has to save up for it."
"But the love potion?" said Alan.
"Oh, that," said the old man, opening the drawer in the kitchen table, and taking out a tiny, rather dirty-looking phial. "That is just a dollar."
"I can't tell you how grateful I am," said Alan, watching him fill it.
"I like to oblige," said the old man. "Then customers come back, later in life, when they are better off, and want more expensive things. Here you are. You will find it very effective."
"Thank you again," said Alan. "Good-bye."
"Au revoir," said the man.
--
// 2022-7-6
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