2. Boán-chiok i tùi kui-sio̍k ê goān-bōng
Jiân-āu, Bloemfontein Siā-hōe Hok-lī Kio̍k hôe-phe kóng, Vlak Ke 48-Hō ê Betty Maarman Tt sī chin-si̍t ê lâng, yi ū 4-ê gín-á, Richard hām Dickie, Anna hām Mina, m̄-koh Ha'penny m̄-sī yi ê gín-á, yi kan-ta chai i sī ke-lō͘ ê liû-lōng-jî. Yi m̄-bat kā i hôe-phe, in-ūi i tī phe-nih kiò yi "A-bú," m̄-koh yi m̄-sī i ê lāu-bú, iū-koh yi mā bô-ài poaⁿ chit-khoán kak-sek. Yi sī chi̍t-ê chèng-phài ê cha-bó͘, khiân-sêng ê kàu-tô͘, yi m̄-bat siūⁿ tio̍h hō͘ chhù-lāi-lâng khan-liân tio̍h chit-ê gín-á, khì pāi-hāi yi ê ka-têng.
M̄-koh, chāi góa khòaⁿ, Ha'penny m̄-sī it-poaⁿ ê siàu-liân hoān; i tùi ka-têng ê io̍k-bōng chin kiông, i tī kiáu-chèng-só͘ ê kì-lo̍k mā bô thang hiâm, i koh jia̍t-chhiat ài-boeh tit-lâng thiàⁿ, khéng thiaⁿ-ōe, tì-sú góa khai-sí kám-kak tùi i ū tōa chek-jīm. Chū án-ne, góa mn̄g i iú-koan in "lāu-bú" ê tāi-chì.
I tùi yi ê hó kóng bē-soah, o-ló kah tak-chi̍h. Yi jîn-chû, tiong-hō͘, giâm-keh. Yin tau chin chheng-khì. Yi tùi só͘-ū yi ê gín-á lóng tāng kám-chêng. Chin chheng-chhó, chit-ê bô-chhù ê gín-á, tō kóng i kah-ì tī góa sin-piⁿ, i mā ē kah-ì tī yi sin-piⁿ; i chhiūⁿ koan-chhat góa án-ne koan-chhat yi, m̄-koh bô pì-koat khì phah-khui yi ê sim-koaⁿ, thang hō͘ yi chiap-siū i, kā i ùi ko͘-to̍k seng-oa̍h tiong chín-kiù chhut-lâi.
"Lí ū chiah hó ê lāu-bú, sī án-chóaⁿ lí thau mi̍h-kiāⁿ?" góa mn̄g.
I bô ōe thang ìn; i ê thâu-náu, i ê ióng-khì lóng bô hoat-tō͘ chhōe tio̍h būn-tê ê tap-àn, in-ūi i chai-iáⁿ, nā ū chit-khoán lāu-bú, i kin-pún to bē thau mi̍h-kiāⁿ.
"Hit-ê cha-po͘ gín-á kiò Dickie," góa kóng, "m̄-sī Tickie."
Chū án-ne, i chai-iáⁿ phiàn-kio̍k piak-khang ah. Pa̍t-ê gín-á hoān-sè ē kóng, "Góa pún-chiâⁿ tō kóng, i sī Dickie," m̄-koh i ū-kàu khiáu; i chai, góa nā í-keng khak-tēng hit-ê gín-á ê miâ, góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā í-keng khak-tēng kî-thaⁿ ê tāi-chì ah. Góa hō͘ ka-tī ê hêng-tōng ê chek-khek koh khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h ê hāu-kó kiaⁿ tio̍h. I kui-ê kian-kiông ê sìn-sim siau khì, kui-sin liù-liù khiā tī hia, m̄-sī chi̍t-ê pe̍h-chha̍t, sī chi̍t-ê kō͘ bô chûn-chāi ê lāu-bú, hiaⁿ-tī, chí-mōe lâi pau-chong ka-tī ê bô-chhù ê gín-á. Góa thiat-té phah-phòa i ê chun-giâm, phah-phòa i tùi jîn-seng ì-gī ê ì-sek ki-chhó͘.
* * *
I sûi tō phòa-pēⁿ, i-seng kóng he sī hì-lô. Góa sûi siá-phe hō͘ Maarman Tt, kā yi kóng kui-ê kò͘-sū, kóng chit-ê sè-hàn gín-á án-chóaⁿ koan-chhat yi, koh koat-tēng yi tō sī i ì-ài ê lāu-bú. M̄-koh, yi hôe-phe kóng, yi bô hoat-tō͘ tùi i hū-chek. Ū chi̍t-ê goân-in. Ha'penny sī Mosuto lâng, iá yi sī chi̍t-ê ū-sek ê cha-bó͘; lēng-gōa, yi m̄-bat tú tio̍h ū mâ-hoân ê gín-á, ná ū khó-lêng chiap-siū chit-khoán gín-á?
Hì-lô sī chi̍t-ê kî-koài ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ; ū-sî i tī siōng bô khó-lêng ê chú-lâng sin-khu chhut-hiān, koh chin kín tō sàu soah. Ha'penny hòng-khì sè-kài, pàng-khui hāu-tiúⁿ, lāu-bú téng-téng, i-seng kóng hi-bāng chin sè. Choa̍t-bāng tiong, góa kià chîⁿ chhiáⁿ Maarman Tt lâi.
Yi sī chi̍t-ê chèng-phài ê ka-têng chú-hū, khòaⁿ tio̍h tāi-chì chiah giâm-tiōng, bô the-sî, mā bô kò͘ bīn-chú, yi sûi chiap-la̍p Ha'penny, kā tòng-chò ka-tī ê. Kui kiáu-chèng-só͘ mā kā yi tòng-chò sī in lāu-bú. Yi kui-kang hām i chē chò-hóe, hām i kóng-khí Richard hām Dickie, Anna hām Mina ê tāi-chì, kóng in lóng teh tán i tńg-chhù. Yi kā kám-chêng ak hō͘ i, bô kiaⁿ i ê pēⁿ, mā put-chún che pēⁿ chó͘-gāi yi khì boán-chiok i tùi kui-sio̍k ê goān-bōng.
Yi kap i kóng-khí tán in tńg-khì boeh chò ê tāi-chì, kóng i tio̍h khì ha̍k-hāu, kóng Guy Fawkes [cheh-ji̍t] àm-mê in boeh bé siáⁿ-mi̍h.
I mā kā it-chhè ê chù-ì khǹg tī yi, góa khì khòaⁿ i ê sî, i chin hoaⁿ-hí, m̄-koh góa í-keng bô tī i ê sè-kài. Góa kám-kak, i tùi góa ê phòaⁿ-toàn sī, góa kan-ta kám-kak tio̍h i ê chûn-chāi, m̄-koh bô lí-kái i io̍k-bōng ê thêng-tō͘. Góa hi-bāng, góa nā ū khah-kín, khah khiáu, khah tōa chhut-chhiú khì chò tō hó ah. Goán kā i tâi tī kiáu-chèng-só͘ ê lông-tiûⁿ, Maarman Tt kā góa kóng, "Lí chhāi si̍p-jī-kè ê sî, kā i tòng-chò góa ê kiáⁿ. Góa chin kiàn-siàu," yi kóng, "tong-chho͘ góa bô chiap-siū i."
"Che pēⁿ," góa kóng, "pēⁿ goân-pún tō ē lâi."
"Bē," yi ná kóng, ná chin khak-tēng iô-thâu, "Pēⁿ bē lâi. Tō kóng tī chhù lāi phòa-pēⁿ, tāi-chì mā chin bô kāng-khoán."
Jiân-āu, tī lâi kiáu-chèng-só͘ chò chit-ê kî-koài ê hóng-būn liáu-āu, yi tńg-khì Bloemfontein. Góa mā lī-khui chia, koat-sim boeh khah tōa chhut-chhiú khì chhú-lí Kok-ka kau-tāi hō͘ góa ê jīm-bū, sui-bóng bûn-jī siōng bô siá hiah-chē.
(Soah)
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2. 滿足伊 tùi 歸屬 ê 願望
然後, Bloemfontein 社會福利局回批講, Vlak 街 48 號 ê Betty Maarman Tt 是真實 ê 人, 她有 4 个囡仔, Richard 和 Dickie, Anna 和 Mina, 毋過 Ha'penny 毋是她 ê 囡仔, 她干焦知伊是街路 ê 流浪兒. 她 m̄-bat kā 伊回批, 因為伊 tī 批 nih 叫她 "阿母," 毋過她毋是伊 ê 老母, 又閣 她 mā 無愛搬這款角色. 她是一个正派 ê 查某, 虔誠 ê 教徒, 她 m̄-bat 想著 hō͘ 厝內人牽連著這个囡仔, 去敗害她 ê 家庭.
毋過, 在我看, Ha'penny 毋是一般 ê 少年犯; 伊 tùi 家庭 ê 慾望真強, 伊 tī 矯正所 ê 記錄 mā 無通嫌, 伊 koh 熱切愛欲得人疼, 肯聽話, 致使我開始感覺 tùi 伊有大責任. 自 án-ne, 我問伊有關 in "老母" ê 代誌.
伊 tùi 她 ê 好講袂煞, o-ló kah 觸舌. 她仁慈, 忠厚, 嚴格. 姻兜真清氣. 她 tùi 所有她 ê 囡仔 lóng 重感情. 真清楚, 這个無厝 ê 囡仔, tō 講伊佮意 tī 我身邊, 伊 mā ē 佮意 tī 她身邊; 伊像觀察我 án-ne 觀察她, 毋過無祕訣去拍開她 ê 心肝, 通 hō͘ 她接受伊, kā 伊 ùi 孤獨生活中拯救出來.
"你有 chiah 好 ê 老母, 是按怎你偷物件?" 我問.
伊無話通應; 伊 ê 頭腦, 伊 ê 勇氣 lóng 無法度揣著問題 ê 答案, 因為伊知影, 若有這款老母, 伊根本 to 袂偷物件.
"彼个查埔囡仔叫 Dickie," 我講, "毋是 Tickie."
自 án-ne, 伊知影騙局煏空 ah. 別个囡仔凡勢 ē 講, "我本成 tō 講, 伊是 Dickie," 毋過伊有夠巧; 伊知, 我若已經確定彼个囡仔 ê 名, 我定著 mā 已經確定其他 ê 代誌 ah. 我 hō͘ 家己 ê 行動 ê 即刻 koh 看會著 ê 效果驚著. 伊規个堅強 ê 信心消去, 規身 liù-liù 徛 tī hia, 毋是一个白賊, 是一个 kō͘ 無存在 ê 老母, 兄弟, 姊妹來包裝家己 ê 無厝 ê 囡仔. 我徹底拍破伊 ê 尊嚴, 拍破伊 tùi 人生意義 ê 意識基礎.
* * *
伊隨 tō 破病, 醫生講 he 是肺癆. 我隨寫批 hō͘ Maarman Tt, kā 她講規个故事, 講這个細漢囡仔按怎觀察她, koh 決定她 tō 是伊意愛 ê 老母. 毋過, 她回批講, 她無法度 tùi 伊負責. 有一个原因: Ha'penny 是 Mosuto 人, iá 她是一个有色 ê 查某; 另外, 她 m̄-bat 拄著有麻煩 ê 囡仔, 那有可能接受這款囡仔?
肺癆是一个奇怪 ê 物件; 有時伊 tī 上無可能 ê 主人身軀出現, koh 真緊 tō 掃煞. Ha'penny 放棄世界, 放開校長, 老母等等, 醫生講希望真細. 絕望中, 我寄錢請 Maarman Tt 來.
她是一个正派 ê 家庭主婦, 看著代誌 chiah 嚴重, 無推辭, mā 無顧面子, 她隨接納 Ha'penny, kā 當做家己 ê. 規矯正所 mā kā 她當做是 in 老母. 她規工和伊坐做伙, 和伊講起 Richard 和 Dickie, Anna 和 Mina ê 代誌, 講 in lóng teh 等伊轉厝. 她 kā 感情渥 hō͘ 伊, 無驚伊 ê 病, mā 不准 che 病阻礙她去滿足伊 tùi 歸屬 ê 願望.
她 kap 伊講起等 in 轉去欲做 ê 代誌, 講伊著去學校, 講 Guy Fawkes [節日] 暗暝 in 欲買啥物.
伊 mā kā 一切 ê 注意囥 tī 她, 我去看伊 ê 時, 伊真歡喜, 毋過我已經無 tī 伊 ê 世界. 我感覺, 伊 tùi 我 ê 判斷是, 我干焦感覺著伊 ê 存在, 毋過無理解伊慾望 ê 程度. 我希望, 我若有較緊, 較巧, 較大出手去做 tō 好 ah. 阮 kā 伊埋 tī 矯正所 ê 農場, Maarman Tt kā 我講, "你祀十字架 ê 時, kā 伊當做我 ê 囝. 我真見笑," 她講, "當初我無接受伊."
"Che 病," 我講, "病原本 tō ē 來."
"袂," 她 ná 講, ná 真確定搖頭, "病袂來. Tō 講 tī 厝內破病, 代誌 mā 真無仝款."
然後, tī 來矯正所做這个奇怪 ê 訪問了後, 她轉去 Bloemfontein. 我 mā 離開 chia, 決心欲較大出手去處理國家交代 hō͘ 我 ê 任務, 雖罔文字上無寫 hiah 濟.
(煞)
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2.
Then the letter came from the Social Welfare Officer in Bloemfontein, saying that Mrs Betty Maarman of 48 Vlak Street was a real person, and that she had four children, Richard and Dickie, Anna and Mina, but that Ha'penny was no child of hers, and she knew him only as a derelict of the streets. She had never answered his letters, because he wrote to her as 'Mother', and she was no mother of his, nor did she wish to play any such role. She was a decent woman, a faithful member of the church, and she had no thought of corrupting her family by letting them have anything to do with such a child.
But Ha'penny seemed to me anything but the usual delinquent; his desire to have a family was so strong, and his reformatory record was so blameless, and his anxiety to please and obey so great, that I began to feel a great duty towards him. Therefore I asked him about his 'mother'.
He could not speak enough of her, or with too high praise. She was loving, honest, and strict. Her home was clean. She had affection for all her children. It was clear that the homeless child, even as he had attached himself to me, would have attached himself to her; he had observed her even as he had observed me, but did not know the secret of how to open her heart, so that she would take him in, and save him from the lonely life that he led.
“Why did you steal when you had such a mother?" I asked.
He could not answer that; not all his brains nor his courage could find an answer to such a question, for he knew that with such a mother he would not have stolen at all.
“The boy's name is Dickie," I said, “not Tickie."
And then he knew the deception was revealed. Another boy might have said, “I told you it was Dickie", but he was too intelligent for that; he knew that if I had established that the boy's name was Dickie, I must have established other things too. I was shocked by the immediate and visible effect of my action. His whole brave assurance died within him, and he stood there exposed, not as a liar, but as a homeless child who had surrounded himself with mother, brothers, and sisters, who did not exist. I had shattered the very foundations of his pride, and his sense of human significance.
* * *
He fell sick at once, and the doctor said it was tuberculosis. I wrote at once to Mrs Maarman, telling her the whole story, of how this small boy had observed her, and had decided that she was the person he desired for his mother. But she wrote back saying that she could take no responsibility for him. For one thing. Ha'penny was a Mosuto, and she was a coloured woman; for another, she had never had a child in trouble, and how could she take such a boy?
Tuberculosis is a strange thing; sometimes it manifests itself suddenly in the most unlikely host, and swiftly sweeps to the end. Ha'penny withdrew himself from the world, from all Principals and mothers, and the doctor said there was little hope. In desperation I sent money for Mrs Maarman to come.
She was a decent, homely woman, and seeing that the situation was serious, she, without fuss or embarrassment adopted Ha'penny for her own. The whole reformatory accepted her as his mother. She sat the whole day with him, and talked to him of Richard and Dickie, Anna and Mina, and how they were all waiting for him to come home. She poured out her affection on him, and had no fear of his sickness, nor did she allow it to prevent her from satisfying his hunger to be owned.
She talked to him of what they would do when he came back, and how he would go to the school and what they would buy for Guy Fawkes night.
He in his turn gave his whole attention to her, and when I visited him he was grateful, but I had passed out of his world. I felt judged in that I had sensed only the existence and not the measure of his desire. I wished I had done something sooner, more wise, more prodigal. We buried him on the reformatory farm, and Mrs Maarman said to me, “When you put up the cross, put he was my son. I'm ashamed," she said, “that I wouldn't take him.'
“The sickness," I said, “the sickness would have come.”
"No,' she said, shaking her head with certainty. “It wouldn't have come. And if it had come at home, it would have been different."
So she left for Bloemfontein, after her strange visit to a reformatory. And I was left too, with the resolve to be more prodigal in the task that the State, though not in so many words, had enjoined on me.
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// 2022-7-27
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