2. Kám bô thong-hiòng seng-oa̍h ê ōe-gí?
Chit-ê bīn chhut-hiān tī góa ê sim-tiong, iū chhut-khì -- bīn phû tī góa ê sim-lāi. Pit í-keng ùi góa ê chéng-thâu-á lak-lo̍h. Chhù lāi tiām chiuh-chiuh. Hit-ê phû bīn ê ba̍k-chiu ùi góa chia sóa-khui.
Goán khan-chhiú sī chi̍t-ê chă gín-á, yi ùi Ohio lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê sió-tìn lâi chia, lâi chit-ê sió-tìn. Goán ū chhiàⁿ chi̍t-ê lú-po̍k, m̄-koh goán khan-chhiú tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ ka-tī sàu thô͘-kha, ū-sî mā ka-tī chéng-lí goán chò-hóe khùn ê bîn-chhn̂g. Àm-sî, goán chē chò-hóe, m̄-koh góa bô liáu-kái yi. Góa ka-tī mā lia̍h bē chún ka-tī sī siáⁿ. Góa chhēng chi̍t-niá chang-sek ê gōa-thò, m̄-koh góa cháu bē chhut chit-niá gōa-thò. Góa cháu bē chhut góa ka-tī. Goán khan-chhiú chin un-jiû, yi khin-siaⁿ kóng-ōe, m̄-koh yi cháu bē chhut yi ka-tī.
Goán khan-chhiú í-keng chhut-mn̂g khì. Yi m̄-chai, góa chai-iáⁿ yi seng-oa̍h tiong ê múi chi̍t-ê sió siūⁿ-hoat. Góa chai-iáⁿ, yi tī gín-á sî, kiâⁿ tī Ohio chi̍t-ê sió-tìn hit-sî ê siūⁿ-hoat. Góa í-keng thiaⁿ tio̍h yi sim-lāi ê siaⁿ-im. Góa thiaⁿ tio̍h hiah-ê sió-sió siaⁿ-im. Tē-it pái yi chhiong-móa kek-chêng, phak tī góa heng-chêng ê sî, góa thiaⁿ tio̍h khióng-pò͘ ê siaⁿ teh háu. Tán goán kiat-hun liáu-āu, poaⁿ lâi chit-keng chhù, tē-it àm goán chē chò-hóe, yi khui-chhùi kóng ióng-kám ê ōe, hit-sî góa iū-koh thiaⁿ tio̍h khióng-pò͘ ê siaⁿ-im.
Góa nā ē-tàng chhiūⁿ taⁿ án-ne chē tī chia, iá góa ka-tī ê bīn phû tī n̂g-chhù hām thang-á cho͘-sêng ê tô͘ téng-bīn, he tō chiâⁿ kî-koài. Góa nā ē-tàng kìⁿ tio̍h goán khan-chhiú, lâi kàu yi bīn-chêng, he tō súi koh kî.
Tú-chiah, bīn chhut-hiān tī góa ê tô͘ ê hit-ê cha-bó͘, yi tùi góa chi̍t-sut-á to bô liáu-kái. Góa mā tùi yi bô liáu-kái. Yi í-keng chhut-khì, iân chi̍t-tiâu ke-lō͘ khì. Yi sim-lāi ê siaⁿ-im teh kóng-ōe. Góa tī chit-ê pâng-keng, chhiūⁿ Sîn chhòng-chō ê múi chi̍t-lâng chū-lâi án-ne hiah-nī ko͘-to̍k.
Góa ê bīn nā ē-tàng phû-kòe góa ê tô͘, he tō súi koh kî. Góa phû-tāng ê bīn nā ē-tàng kàu yi bīn-chêng, he nā ē-tàng kàu jīm-hô cha-po͘ a̍h jīm-hô cha-bó͘ ê bīn-chêng -- he tō sī chi̍t-kiāⁿ súi koh kî ê tāi-chì.
«
Napoleon khiâ-bé chiūⁿ chiàn-tiûⁿ.
Grant Chiong-kun ji̍p-khì chi̍t-ê chhiū-nâ.
Alexander khiâ-bé chiūⁿ chiàn-tiûⁿ.
»
Góa boeh kā lí kóng -- ū-sî-chūn, chit-ê sè-kài ê kui-ê sèⁿ-miā tī góa sim-lāi phû-hiān chi̍t-ê lâng ê bīn. Sè-kài bô ì-sek ê bīn tòng-tiām koh tiām-tiām khiā tī góa bīn-chêng.
Sī án-chóaⁿ góa m̄ tùi pa̍t-lâng kóng-chhut chi̍t-kù góa ka-tī ê ōe? Sī án-chóaⁿ, tī goán chò-hóe seng-oa̍h tiong-kan, góa bē-tàng phah-phòa hit-tó͘ chhiûⁿ, kiâⁿ-hiòng goán khan-chhiú?
Góa í-keng siá saⁿ-/sì-cha̍p bān jī ah. Kám bô thong-hiòng seng-oa̍h ê ōe-gí? Ū chi̍t-kang, góa boeh chò ka-tī ê kan-chèng.
--
2. 敢無通向生活 ê 話語?
這个面出現 tī 我 ê 心中, 又出去 -- 面浮 tī 我 ê 心內. 筆已經 ùi 我 ê 指頭仔 lak 落. 厝內恬 chiuh-chiuh. 彼个浮面 ê 目睭 ùi 我 chia 徙開.
阮牽手是一个 chă 囡仔, 她 ùi Ohio 另外一个小鎮來 chia, 來這个小鎮. 阮有倩一个女僕, 毋過阮牽手定定家己掃塗跤, 有時 mā 家己整理阮做伙睏 ê 眠床. 暗時, 阮坐做伙, 毋過我無了解她. 我家己 mā 掠袂準家己是啥. 我穿一領棕色 ê 外套, 毋過我走袂出這領外套. 我走袂出我家己. 阮牽手真溫柔, 她輕聲講話, 毋過她走袂出她家己.
阮牽手已經出門去. 她毋知, 我知影她生活中 ê 每一个小想法. 我知影, 她 tī 囡仔時, 行 tī Ohio 一个小鎮彼時 ê 想法. 我已經聽著她心內 ê 聲音. 我聽著 hiah-ê 小小聲音. 第一擺她充滿激情, 仆 tī 我胸前 ê 時, 我聽著恐怖 ê 聲 teh 吼. 等阮結婚了後, 搬來這間厝, 第一暗阮坐做伙, 她開喙講勇敢 ê 話, 彼時我又閣聽著恐怖 ê 聲音.
我若會當像今 án-ne 坐 tī chia, iá 我家己 ê 面浮 tī 黃厝和窗仔組成 ê 圖頂面, 彼 tō 誠奇怪. 我若會當見著阮牽手, 來到她面前, 彼 tō 媠 koh 奇.
拄才, 面出現 tī 我 ê 圖 ê 彼个查某, 她 tùi 我一屑仔 to 無了解. 我 mā tùi 她無了解. 她已經出去, 沿一條街路去. 她心內 ê 聲音 teh 講話. 我 tī 這个房間, 像神創造 ê 每一人自來 án-ne hiah-nī 孤獨.
我 ê 面若會當浮過我 ê 圖, 彼 tō 媠 koh 奇. 我浮動 ê 面若會當到她面前, 彼若會當到任何查埔 a̍h 任何查某 ê 面前 -- 彼 tō 是一件媠 koh 奇 ê 代誌.
«
Napoleon 騎馬上戰場.
Grant 將軍入去一个樹林.
Alexander 騎馬上戰場.
»
我欲 kā 你講 -- 有時陣, 這个世界 ê 規个性命 tī 我心內浮現一个人 ê 面. 世界無意識 ê 面擋恬 koh 恬恬徛 tī 我面前.
是按怎我 m̄ tùi 別人講出一句我家己 ê 話? 是按怎, tī 阮做伙生活中間, 我袂當拍破彼堵牆, 行向阮牽手?
我已經寫三四十萬字 ah. 敢無通向生活 ê 話語? 有一工, 我欲做家己 ê 干證.
--
2.
The face comes into my mind and goes out--the face floats in my mind. The pen has fallen from my fingers. The house is silent. The eyes of the floating face are turned away from me.
My wife is a girl who came here to this town from another town in the state of Ohio. We keep a servant but my wife often sweeps the floors and she sometimes makes the bed in which we sleep together. We sit together in the evening but I do not know her. I cannot shake myself out of myself. I wear a brown coat and I cannot come out of my coat. I cannot come out of myself. My wife is very gentle and she speaks softly but she cannot come out of herself.
My wife has gone out of the house. She does not know that I know every little thought of her life. I know what she thought when she was a child and walked in the streets of an Ohio town. I have heard the voices of her mind. I have heard the little voices. I heard the voice of fear crying when she was first overtaken with passion and crawled into my arms. Again I heard the voices of fear when her lips said words of courage to me as we sat together on the first evening after we were married and moved into this house.
It would be strange if I could sit here, as I am doing now, while my own face floated across the picture made by the yellow house and the window. It would be strange and beautiful if I could meet my wife, come into her presence.
The woman whose face floated across my picture just now knows nothing of me. I know nothing of her. She has gone off, along a street. The voices of her mind are talking. I am here in this room, as alone as ever any man God made.
It would be strange and beautiful if I could float my face across my picture. If my floating face could come into her presence, if it could come into the presence of any man or any woman--that would be a strange and beautiful thing to have happen.
=
Napoleon went down into a battle riding on a horse.
General Grant went into a wood.
Alexander went down into a battle riding on a horse.
=
I'll tell you what--sometimes the whole life of this world floats in a human face in my mind. The unconscious face of the world stops and stands still before me.
Why do I not say a word out of myself to the others? Why, in all our life together, have I never been able to break through the wall to my wife?
Already I have written three hundred, four hundred thousand words. Are there no words that lead into life? Some day I shall speak to myself. Some day I shall make a testament unto myself.
--
// 2022-7-30
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