2. Sió ú-tiū ê kak-lo̍h éng-oán bē koh tit-tio̍h ah
Hit-kang lâi ah. Chòe-āu, ūn-choán ki-su ùi hóe-chhia ta̍h-lo̍h hit nn̄g-ê cha-bó͘ tòa ê sió-tìn ê chhia-thâu goa̍t-tâi. I ê thih-lō͘ sòe-goa̍t í-keng kiat-sok. I sī kong-si ê thè-hiu oân-kang, bián koh chò khang-khòe. Ki-su bān-bān kiâⁿ-kòe chhia-thâu, chhut kàu sió-tìn ê ke-lō͘. Sū-sū hāng-hāng tùi i lâi kóng lóng chin chheⁿ-hūn, bē-su i kòe-khì m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe chit-ê sió-tìn. I lú hiòng-chêng kiâⁿ, i ê bê-bâng hām khùn-he̍k ê kám-kak oa̍t-lú chhim. Che kám ū khó-lêng sī i keng-kòe chi̍t-bān pái ê sió-tìn? Chiah-ê chhù kám sī i chhiâng-chāi ùi kà-sú chō ê koân-thang só͘ khòaⁿ ê chhù? Che it-chhè lóng chin chheⁿ-hūn, tō ná chhiūⁿ bāng tiong ê siâⁿ-chhī hiah-nī hō͘ lâng put-an, i cheng-sîn siōng ê khùn-he̍k mā tòe i lú kiâⁿ lú cheng-ka.
Chit-sî, lâi-kàu sió-tìn gōa-ûi chhù chiām-chiām piàn chió, ke-lō͘ piàn-sêng chng-kha lō͘ -- óng hit nn̄g-ê cha-bó͘ tòa ê lō͘. Hit-ê lâng tī joa̍h koh eng-ia ê lō͘ bān-bān kè-sio̍k kiâⁿ. Lo̍h-bóe, i khiā tī hit-keng i teh chhōe ê chhù ê bīn-thâu-chêng. I chi̍t-ē tō chai-iáⁿ, i í-keng lâi-kàu chèng-khak ê só͘-chāi. I khòaⁿ tio̍h chhù thâu-chêng khì-phài ê chhiūⁿ-chhiū, hoe tôaⁿ, hoe-hn̂g hām pô-tô kè, iáu ū koh khòaⁿ tio̍h hn̄g-hn̄g hia ū thih-ki-lō͘ teh siám-kng.
Tio̍h, che tō sī i boeh chhōe ê chhù, sī i bat chē-chē kái keng-kòe ê só͘-chāi, sī i kui-sim hoaⁿ-hí só͘ kî-bōng boeh kàu ê tē-tiám. M̄-koh, taⁿ i í-keng chhōe tio̍h, í-keng lâi-kàu chia, sī án-chóaⁿ i ê chhiú tī gōa-mn̂g tiû-tû; sī án-chóaⁿ chit-ê sió-tìn, chit-tiâu lō͘, che thó͘-tē, chìn-ji̍p i só͘ ài ê só͘-chāi ê ji̍p-kháu piàn kah chiah-nī chheⁿ-so͘, ná chhiūⁿ sī ok-bāng lāi-bīn ê kéng-tì? Sī án-chóaⁿ taⁿ i kám-kak chit-chióng khùn-he̍k, giâu-gî koh bô-bāng? Lo̍h-bóe, i chìn-ji̍p gōa-mn̂g, bān-bān iân sió-lō͘ kiâⁿ, kòe chi̍t-ē-á koh peh saⁿ-ê kē khám-á lâi-kàu gîm-chîⁿ-kha, taⁿ tng-teh khok mn̂g. Chit-sî, i thiaⁿ tio̍h lāi-bīn ê thiaⁿ-tn̂g ū kha-pō͘ siaⁿ, mn̂g khui--khui, chi̍t-ê hū-jîn lâng khiā tī i ê bīn-thâu-chêng.
Chek-sî, kám-kak thòng-khó͘ ê sit-lo̍h hām pi-siong, i hoán-hóe lâi chia. I má-siōng chai-iáⁿ, khiā tī hia kō͘ giâu-gî ba̍k-sek siòng i ê hit-ê cha-bó͘ tō sī hit-ê bat ǹg i ia̍t-chhiú kúi-ā chheng-pái ê cha-bó͘. M̄-koh, yi ê bīn bái-khòaⁿ, kiù-kat, koh ta-sán; bīn-bah jiâu-jiâu bô-sîn, sè-lúi ba̍k-chiu kiaⁿ-gî koh put-an, lia̍h i kim-kim siòng. It-chhè hiah-ê i ùi yi ê chhiú-sè só͘ tha̍k tio̍h ê ióng-kám chū-iû, un-loán hām chêng-ì, lóng tī i khòaⁿ tio̍h koh thiaⁿ tio̍h yi he bô iú-siān ê ōe-gí hit-khek phò-bia̍t, siau-sit.
Taⁿ, tng i chhì boeh kái-soeh ka-tī ê chhut-hiān, kā yi kóng i sī siáng, sī án-chóaⁿ boeh lâi chia ê sî, i ka-tī ê siaⁿ thiaⁿ-tio̍h bô chin-si̍t, chin khó-phà. M̄-koh, i iáu-sī ti-ti tū-tū kè-sio̍k kóng, hām giâ-khí tī sim-lāi ê khióng-pò͘ kian-kiông chhia-piàⁿ, he khióng-pò͘ sī in-ūi hoán-hóe, khùn-he̍k, bô sìn-sim, tng-teh im-khàm i chá-chêng ê hoaⁿ-hí, hō͘ chit-ê hi-bāng hām un-jiû ê kí-tōng hō͘ ka-tī khòaⁿ tio̍h chiâⁿ kiàn-siàu.
Lo̍h-bóe, chit-ê cha-bó͘ ē-sái kóng bô chin chêng-goān chiah chhiáⁿ i ji̍p chhù-lāi, koh kō͘ chi̍t-ê chhò-hīⁿ ê chho͘ siaⁿ kiò yin cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ. Jiân-āu, tī chi̍t-tōaⁿ té-chām ê thòng-khó͘ sî-kan nih, tī hit nn̄g-ê cha-bó͘ kō͘ chi̍t-chióng im-thim, khùn-he̍k ê te̍k-ì, chi̍t-chióng bē sóng koh kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ ê ah-ut kim-kim siòng i ê sî, hit-ê lâng chē tī chi̍t-ê bái koh sè ê kheh-thiaⁿ, tī hia chhì-tô͘ hām yin kóng-ōe.
Kàu chòe-āu, ti-ti tū-tū kóng chhut kò-pia̍t ê ōe, i tō lī-khui. I kiâⁿ sió-lō͘ chhut-khì, jiân-āu iân chng-kha lō͘ kiâⁿ hiòng sió-tìn; hut-jiân, i chai-iáⁿ, taⁿ i sī chi̍t-ê lāu-lâng. I ê sim, kòe-khì iân se̍k-sāi ê thih-ki-lō͘ khòaⁿ chhut-khì ê sî, sī ióng-kám koh ū chū-sìn, taⁿ in-ūi giâu-gî hām kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, soah khí-ùi, in-ūi i khòaⁿ tio̍h hiat chio̍h-thâu ē-kàu hoān-ûi lāi tē-bīn ê kî-koài koh ì-gōa ê bīn-bo̍k, he sī kòe-khì i só͘ m̄-bat khòaⁿ tio̍h mā m̄ chai-iáⁿ. Taⁿ i chai-iáⁿ, hit-tiâu bêng-liāng, bô koh chûn-chāi ê lō͘ ê kî-miāu, hit-ê kim sih-sih sòaⁿ-lō͘ ê sī-iá, hit-ê io̍k-bōng ê sió ú-tiū só͘ sióng-siōng ê kak-lo̍h, éng-oán lóng bē koh tit-tio̍h ah.
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2. 小宇宙 ê 角落永遠袂 koh 得著 ah
彼工來 ah. 最後, 運轉技師 ùi 火車踏落彼兩个查某蹛 ê 小鎮 ê 車頭月台. 伊 ê 鐵路歲月已經結束. 伊是公司 ê 退休員工, 免 koh 做工課. 技師慢慢行過車頭, 出到小鎮 ê 街路. 事事項項對伊來講 lóng 真生份, 袂輸伊過去 m̄-bat 看過這个小鎮. 伊 lú 向前行, 伊 ê 迷茫和困惑 ê 感覺越愈深. 這敢有可能是伊經過一萬擺 ê 小鎮? Chiah-ê 厝敢是伊常在 ùi 駕駛座 ê 懸窗所看 ê 厝? 這一切 lóng 真生份, tō ná 像夢中 ê 城市 hiah-nī 予人不安, 伊精神上 ê 困惑 mā 綴伊 lú 行 lú 增加.
這時, 來到小鎮外圍厝漸漸變少, 街路變成庄跤路 -- 往彼兩个查某蹛 ê 路. 彼个人 tī 熱 koh 坱埃 ê 路慢慢繼續行. 落尾, 伊徛 tī 彼間伊 teh 揣 ê 厝 ê 面頭前. 伊一下 tō 知影, 伊已經來到正確 ê 所在. 伊看著厝頭前氣派 ê 橡樹, 花壇, 花園和葡萄架, 猶有 koh 看著遠遠 hia 有鐵支路 teh 閃光.
著, 這 tō 是伊欲揣 ê 厝, 是伊 bat 濟濟改經過 ê 所在, 是伊規心歡喜所期望欲到 ê 地點. 毋過, 今伊已經揣著, 已經來到 chia, 是按怎伊 ê 手 tī 外門躊躇; 是按怎這个小鎮, 這條路, 這土地, 進入伊所愛 ê 所在 ê 入口變 kah chiah-nī 生疏, ná 像是惡夢內面 ê 景致? 是按怎今伊感覺這種困惑, 憢疑 koh 無望? 落尾, 伊進入外門, 慢慢沿小路行, 過一下仔 koh peh 三个低坎仔來到砛簷跤, 今 tng-teh 硞門. 這時, 伊聽著內面 ê 廳堂有跤步聲, 門開--開, 一个婦人 lâng 徛 tī 伊 ê 面頭前.
即時, 感覺痛苦 ê 失落和悲傷, 伊反悔來 chia. 伊馬上知影, 徛 tī hia kō͘ 憢疑目色相伊 ê 彼个查某 tō 是彼个 bat ǹg 伊擛手幾若千擺 ê 查某. 毋過, 她 ê 面䆀看, 糾結, koh 焦瘦; 面肉皺皺無神, 細蕊目睭驚疑 koh 不安, 掠伊金金相. 一切 hiah-ê 伊 ùi 她 ê 手勢所讀著 ê 勇敢自由, 溫暖和情意, lóng tī 伊看著 koh 聽著她 he 無友善 ê 話語彼刻破滅, 消失.
今, tng 伊試欲解說 ka-tī ê 出現, kā 她講伊是 siáng, 是按怎欲來 chia ê 時, 伊 ka-tī ê 聲聽著無真實, 真可怕. 毋過, 伊猶是 ti-ti tū-tū 繼續講, 和夯起 tī 心內 ê 恐怖堅強捙拚, he 恐怖是因為反悔, 困惑, 無信心, tng-teh 淹崁伊早前 ê 歡喜, 予這个希望和溫柔 ê 舉動予 ka-tī 看著誠見笑.
落尾, 這个查某會使講無真情願才請伊入厝內, koh kō͘ 一个噪耳 ê 粗聲叫姻查某囝. 然後, tī 一段短站 ê 痛苦時間 nih, tī 彼兩个查某 kō͘ 一種陰鴆, 困惑 ê 敵意, 一種袂爽 koh 驚驚 ê 壓鬱金金相伊 ê 時, 彼个人坐 tī 一个䆀 koh 細 ê 客廳, tī hia 試圖和姻講話.
到最後, ti-ti tū-tū 講出告別 ê 話, 伊 tō 離開. 伊行小路出去, 然後沿庄跤路行向小鎮; 忽然, 伊知影, 今伊是一个老人. 伊 ê 心, 過去沿熟似 ê 鐵支路看出去 ê 時, 是勇敢 koh 有自信, 今因為憢疑和驚惶, 煞起畏, 因為伊看著㧒石頭會到範圍內地面 ê 奇怪 koh 意外 ê 面目, 彼是過去伊所毋捌看著 mā 毋知影. 今伊知影, 彼條明亮, 無閣存在 ê 路 ê 奇妙, 彼个金 sih-sih 線路 ê 視野, 彼个慾望 ê 小宇宙所想像 ê 角落, 永遠 lóng 袂 koh 得著 ah.
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2.
That day came. At last the engineer stepped from a train onto the station platform of the town where these two women lived. His years upon the rail had ended. He was a pensioned servant of his company, with no more work to do. The engineer walked slowly through the station and out into the streets of the town. Everything was as strange to him as if he had never seen this town before. As he walked on, his sense of bewilderment and confusion grew. Could this be the town he had passed ten thousand times? Were these the same houses he had seen so often from the high windows of his cab? It was all as unfamiliar, as disquieting as a city in a dream, and the perplexity of his spirit increased as he went on.
Presently the houses thinned into the straggling outposts of the town, and the street faded into a country road—the one on which the women lived. And the man plodded on slowly in the heat and dust. At length he stood before the house he sought. He knew at once that he had found the proper place. He saw the lordly oaks before the house, the flower beds, the garden and the arbor, and farther off, the glint of rails.
Yes, this was the house he sought, the place he had passed so many times, the destination he had longed for with such happiness. But now that he had found it, now that he was here, why did his hand falter on the gate; why had the town, the road, the earth, the very entrance to this place he loved turned unfamiliar as the landscape of some ugly dream? Why did he now feel this sense of confusion, doubt and hopelessness? At length he entered by the gate, walked slowly up the path and in a moment more had mounted three short steps that led up to the porch, and was knocking at the door. Presently he heard steps in the hall, the door was opened, and a woman stood facing him.
And instantly, with a sense of bitter loss and grief, he was sorry he had come. He knew at once that the woman who stood there looking at him with a mistrustful eye was the same woman who had waved to him so many thousand times. But her face was harsh and pinched and meager; the flesh sagged wearily in sallow folds, and the small eyes peered at him with timid suspicion and uneasy doubt. All the brave freedom, the warmth and the affection that he had red into her gesture, vanished in the moment that he saw her and heard her unfriendly tongue.
And now his own voice sounded unreal and ghastly to him as he tried to explain his presence, to tell her who he was and the reason he had come. But he faltered on, fighting stubbornly against the horror of regret, confusion, disbelief that surged up in his spirit, drowning all his former joy and making his act of hope and tenderness seem shameful to him.
At length the woman invited him almost unwillingly into the house, and called her daughter in a harsh shrill voice. Then, for a brief agony of time, the man sat in an ugly little parlor, and he tried to talk while the two women stared at him with a dull, bewildered hostility, a sullen, timorous restraint.
And finally, stammering a crude farewell, he departed. He walked away down the path and then along the road toward town, and suddenly he knew that he was an old man. His heart, which had been brave and confident when it looked along the familiar vista of the rails, was now sick with doubt and horror as it saw the strange and unsuspected visage of the earth which had always been within a stone’s throw of him, and which he had never seen or known. And he knew that all the magic of that bright lost way, the vista of that shining line, the imagined corner of that small good universe of hope’s desire, could never be got again.
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// 2022-8-16
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