6. 你總是講 ‘彼誠趣味’

6. Lí chóng-sī kóng ‘He chiâⁿ chhù-bī’

Samantha hiat chi̍t-pau hun hō͘ góa. Góa khǹg chi̍t-ki tī chhùi, m̄-koh bô tiám-to̍h. Hām Samantha chò-hóe, góa chin khin-sang, chin kín kap yi ū kám-kak. Kám-kak góa sī yi ê chi̍t-pòaⁿ, á yi sī góa ê chi̍t-pòaⁿ. Kî-thaⁿ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ lóng khai-sí àm-tām, góa ná-ū ná-bô siūⁿ tio̍h Ivan, lâu tī pâng-keng, teh hian tha̍k bûn-kiāⁿ. Góa ná-ū ná-bô siūⁿ tio̍h siang-seⁿ-á gián-kiù-oân, teh siah in ê iân-pit, tán bîn-á chá-khí hóng-būn goán. Būn-tê: Lí kóng-ōe, pa̍t-lâng thiaⁿ ū bô? Tap-àn: Kan-ta goán sió-mōe.

"Lí khòaⁿ-māi leh, tī tò-pêng," yi kóng. "Thâu-mo͘ siâu (Hair sperm)."

He sī chi̍t-lông bē-tiûⁿ, ū chi̍t-keng chián-thâu-mo͘ tiàm kiò-chò "Thâu-mo͘ k Setto (Hair & Perm)" tī lō͘-piⁿ; chiâⁿ hāi, hit-ê ‘&’ hû-hō siá siuⁿ óa hit-jī "perm."

"He chiâⁿ chhù-bī."

"Lí chóng-sī kóng ‘He chiâⁿ chhù-bī’, m̄-koh bô chhiò."

"Góa chai, in-ūi lí chóng-sī bâi-oàn góa chhiò."

Góa phēng tī chhia-mn̂g, khòaⁿ Samantha. Yi ê thâu-mo͘ pí góa ê khah kim-n̂g, che sī sin ê tāi-chì, mā khah tōa-khò͘ ah. Yi chhēng phah-thih-á kho͘ hām kah-á, góa chhēng ê sī ū-phín-bī ê a-môa-pò͘ se-chong. Kāng-khoán, yi ū goán lóng ū ê tn̂g kha-thúi, ba̍t koh cha̍t ê thâu-mo͘, kim-n̂g ê phôe-hu pha̍k kah piàn chang-sek. Goán lóng sī chin hó-khòaⁿ ê cha-bó͘ -- che sī bē hut m̄-tio̍h khì ê. Sui-jiân ū kúi-nî Samantha ká-ná chīn-la̍t teh án-ne chò. Yi ê ba̍k-chiu teh khòaⁿ lō͘. Góa kiám-cha yi ê chhiú-kut, ká-ná ū khah kiat-si̍t. Bē-bái, kap téng-pái kāng-khoán, ū o͘-chheⁿ ê hûn-jiah.

"Lí siūⁿ-kóng, kì-jiân kau-khu bô bí-ha̍k ê kui-ōe, bô chhiūⁿ Haussmann ê Pairs a̍h Vienna a̍h tó-ūi hit-chióng kui-ōe, chit-chióng bô-kui-ōe sī chi̍t-chióng Siân (Zen), sī bô?" Samantha kā chhiū-leng-thn̂g tàn chhut chhia-thang. "Lí siūⁿ-kóng kau-khu, in-ūi bô jîn-lūi ê siat-kè, só͘-í sī Sîn ê kui-ōe ê chi̍t-chióng piáu-hiān?"

"Hmh, chin chē kau-khu lóng ū kui-ōe. Ū bē-chió ū chóng-thé kui-ōe ê siā-khu, chhin-chhiūⁿ Brasilia kap só͘-ū hiah-ê tī Ji̍t-kng-tòa ê thè-hiu sió-tìn."

"Góa lêng-khó sī chi̍t-ê lô͘-lē tòa tī ū chóng-thé kui-ōe ê siā-khu."

"He khó-lêng tùi lí ū hó-chhù."

"Góa ē-sái thoat-khui góa ê phôe lāi-khò͘." Samantha í-keng chhōa goán lī-khui Fresno boeh sí m̄-oa̍h ê chhī-khu, lâi kàu i ê heng-ōng ê chiu-ûi. Chia ê kau-khu khòaⁿ khí-lâi kap choân-kok kok-tē ê kau-khu lóng kāng-khoán -- kāng-khoán ê siong-tiàm, kāng-khoán ê liân-só chhan-thiaⁿ, thê-kiong kāng-khoán ê chia̍h-mi̍h. Goán m̄-sī ûi-it ê ho̍k-chè-phín.

"Lí kám chai, góa chin-chiàⁿ hi-bāng ê sī sáⁿ?" Samantha ê siaⁿ-im ē chùn. "Góa hi-bāng góa seng-oa̍h tī bô-lâng chai-iáⁿ án-nóa kám-kak tāi-chì ê sè-kài."

"Chin ê? He chiâⁿ kî-koài. Bô kám-kak ê sè-kài sī seⁿ-chò sáⁿ-khoán?"

"M̄-sī bô kám-kak ê sè-kài," Samantha kái-soeh kóng, "he sī chi̍t-ê bô-lâng chai-iáⁿ án-nóa kám-kak ê sè-kài. Bô hoán-séng. Bô chū-ngó͘ hoán-séng."

"Bô bē-sóng ê kám-kak."

"Bô chōe-ok-kám," Samantha kóng. "Lâng-lâng kan-ta chò tāi-chì, chū án-ne lâng-lâng tùi ka-tī chiâⁿ boán-chiok."

*

6. 你總是講 ‘彼誠趣味’

Samantha 㧒一包薰予我. 我囥一支 tī 喙, m̄-koh 無點 to̍h. 和 Samantha 做伙, 我真輕鬆, 真緊 kap 她有感覺. 感覺我是她 ê 一半, á 她是我 ê 一半. 其他 ê 物件 lóng 開始暗淡, 我那有那無想著 Ivan, 留 tī 房間, teh 掀讀文件. 我那有那無想著雙生仔研究員, teh 削 in ê 鉛筆, 等明仔早起訪問阮. 問題: 你講話, 別人聽有無? 答案: 干焦阮小妹.

"你看覓 leh, tī 倒爿," 她講. "頭毛潲 (Hair sperm)."

彼是一 lông 賣場, 有一間剪頭毛店叫做 "頭毛 k Setto (Hair & Perm)" tī 路邊; 誠害, 彼个 ‘&’ 符號寫 siuⁿ 倚彼字 "perm."

"彼誠趣味."

"你總是講 ‘彼誠趣味’, m̄-koh 無笑."

"我知, 因為你總是埋怨我笑."

我 phēng tī 車門, 看 Samantha. 她 ê 頭毛比我 ê 較金黃, 這是新 ê 代誌, mā 較大箍 ah. 她穿拍鐵仔褲和䘥仔, 我穿 ê 是有品味 ê 亞麻布西裝. 仝款, 她有阮 lóng 有 ê 長跤腿, 密 koh cha̍t ê 頭毛, 金黃 ê 皮膚曝 kah 變棕色. 阮 lóng 是真好看 ê 查某 -- 這是袂拂毋著去 ê. 雖然有幾年 Samantha ká-ná 盡力 teh án-ne 做. 她 ê 目睭 teh 看路. 我檢查她 ê 手骨, ká-ná 有較結實. 袂䆀, kap 頂擺仝款, 有烏青 ê 痕跡.

"你想講, 既然郊區無美學 ê 規劃, 無像 Haussmann ê Pairs a̍h Vienna a̍h 佗位彼種規劃, 這種無規劃是一種禪 (Zen), 是無?" Samantha kā 樹奶糖擲出車窗. "你想講郊區, 因為無人類 ê 設計, 所以是神 ê 規劃 ê 一種表現?"

"Hmh, 真濟郊區 lóng 有規劃. 有袂少有總體規劃 ê 社區, 親像 Brasilia kap 所有 hiah-ê tī 日光帶 ê 退休小鎮."

"我寧可是一个奴隸蹛 tī 有總體規劃 ê 社區."

"彼可能對你有好處."

"我會使脫開我 ê 皮內褲." Samantha 已經 chhōa 阮離開 Fresno 欲死毋活 ê 市區, 來到伊 ê 興旺 ê 周圍. Chia ê 郊區看起來 kap 全國各地 ê 郊區 lóng 仝款 -- 仝款 ê 商店, 仝款 ê 連鎖餐廳, 提供仝款 ê 食物. 阮毋是唯一 ê 複製品.

"你敢知, 我真正希望 ê 是啥?" Samantha ê 聲音會顫. "我希望我生活 tī 無人知影 án-nóa 感覺代誌 ê 世界."

"真 ê? 彼誠奇怪. 無感覺 ê 世界是生做啥款?"

"毋是無感覺 ê 世界," Samantha 解說講, "彼是一个無人知影 án-nóa 感覺 ê 世界. 無反省. 無自我反省."

"無袂爽 ê 感覺."

"無罪惡感," Samantha 講. "人人干焦做代誌, 自 án-ne 人人對 ka-tī 誠滿足."

*

6.

Samantha tosses me a pack of cigarettes. I put one in my mouth but don't light it. It feels so easy, to just fall into things with Samantha. It feels so easy to just be half of her and let her be half of me. Everything else begins to get dimmer. I half-think of Ivan, back in the room, leafing through papers. I half-think of the twin researchers, sharpening their pencils, waiting to interview us in the morning. Question: Do people understand you when you speak? Answer: Only my sister.

"Check this out, up here on the left," she says. "Hair sperm."

There's a strip mall with a haircutting place called "Hair & Perm" beside the road; the ampersand has been placed unfortunately close to the word "perm."

"That's really funny."

"You always say 'That's really funny' instead of laughing."

"I know, because you always complain about it."

I lean against the car door and look over at Samantha. She's blonder than I am, which is new, and certainly grubbier, wearing jeans and a tank top vs. my tasteful little linen suit. As always, she has our long legs and thick hair and golden skin that tans out to a flat brown. We are nice-looking girls -- it's hard to mess that up. Though some years it seems like Samantha is trying her best to. She keeps her eyes on the road. I check her arms. They look muscular. Not bad, like they were last time, bruised with track marks.

"Do you think, since there's no aesthetic plan in the suburbs, like there was in Haussmann's Paris or Vienna or wherever, that this planlessness is Zen?" Samantha chucks her gum out the window. "Do you think the suburbs, with their lack of human design, are an expression of God's plan?"

"Well, a lot of suburbs are planned. There are master-planned communities, like Brasilia and all those retirement towns in the Sunbelt."

"I would like to be a slave in a master-planned community."

"That might be good for you."

"I could break out my leather underwear." Samantha has piloted us out of Fresno's dying downtown and into its thriving sprawl. The suburbs here look the same as the suburbs anywhere in the country -- the same stores, the same chain restaurants serving the same chain food. We're not the only clones.

"You know what I really wish?" There's a tremor to Samantha's voice. "I wish I lived in a world where nobody knew how they felt about anything."

"Really? That's weird. What would a world without feeling be like?"

"It wouldn't be a world without feeling," Samantha explains, "it would be a world where no one knew how they felt. No reflection. No self-reflection."

"No unhappy feelings."

"No guilt," says Samantha. "People would just do things and then feel really satisfied with themselves."

*