7. 阮 kā 她號做 Him

7. Goán kā yi hō-chò Him

Góa siūⁿ tio̍h Ivan, keng-kòe chi̍t-ji̍t piàⁿ-sí piàⁿ-oa̍h ê koaⁿ-si liáu-āu, i ê ba̍k-thâu pêng-chēng. "Lí chai, lí tú tio̍h bó͘-lâng gō͘-hun-cheng, lí tō chai-iáⁿ in kui-sì-lâng m̄-bat ū chōe-ok-kám."

"Hó kiáⁿ!" yi kóng.

"Sī ah, ū chi̍t-ê hó kiáⁿ. I sī tōa-lâng. In lóng hoaⁿ-hí chò pháiⁿ-lâng."

"Á lán lóng sī ‘Pháiⁿ-sè lah, góa chiâⁿ pháiⁿ-sè! Chin pháiⁿ-sè, tāi-chì bô oân-boán. Pháiⁿ-sè góa m̄-sī Shirley kln* Temple, kō͘ góa ê sió-bīn-chú hō͘ ta̍k-lâng hoaⁿ-hí.’" Chit-sî Samantha chin ū hèng-thâu, chi̍t-chhiú khui-chhia, chi̍t-chhiú pok-hun. [* kln = kàn-lín-niâ; Shirley Temple sī tiān-iáⁿ bêng-seng]

"Án-ne chin pi-ai."

"Góa hi-bāng góa ū chi̍t-ki lān-chiáu. Góa ū tha̍k chi̍t-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ kóng, Sylvia Plath* sī khì hō͘ PMS** hāi-sí ê." [* Sylvia Plath: lú si-jîn; ** PMS: goe̍h-keng chêng ê chèng-thâu]

"Lí tio̍h sêng-jīn, sī Sylvia Plath hāi-sí Sylvia Plath."

"Oh, bián. Góa m̄-bián sêng-jīn sáⁿ-mih." Samantha khui-chhùi ǹg góa chhiò chi̍t-ē, chhiò kah chhùi khui-khui. Ū tāi-chì tng-teh hoat-tián. Goán chìn-ji̍p chi̍t-ê Samantha Sî-kan. Samantha kah-ì hì-kio̍k, tōa-sè lóng kah-ì. Goán iáu sī gín-á ê sî, yi chóng-sī kiû góa seng kiâⁿ, m̄-koh tán sî-kan kàu ê sî, yi tō chhun-chhiú cha̍h góa, ka-tī hiòng chêng chhiong chhut-khì, kip boeh chò bó͘-chióng tōa-táⁿ, gōng-tai, a̍h kî-koài ê tāi-chì. Taⁿ, yi thêng tī chi̍t-ê kau-gōa siā-khu tiong-kan, tī chi̍t-pâi kāng-khoán kāng-khoán ê chhù thâu-chêng, he chhù khàm-hiā, sī tián-hêng ê Taco-Bell sek-iūⁿ ê kiàn-bu̍t. Góa chù-ì tio̍h, Samantha ê chhiú the̍h chi̍t-tiuⁿ chóa. Téng-bīn siá:

KHIOH-TIO̍H: HAPA KÁU (PUG)

Jiân-āu ū chi̍t-ê tē-chí.

"Lí boeh tòe góa lâi bô?"

"Góa siūⁿ, sī lah."

Samantha chhōa-lō͘ lâi kàu chhù mn̂g-kháu. Yi chhi̍h mn̂g-lêng, chi̍t-ê tiong-liân cha-bó͘ lâi ìn-mn̂g, chhēng hiān-tāi-pán ê ûi-kûn: chi̍t-su ūn-tōng-saⁿ. Samantha chhiò chi̍t-ē, khai-sí kóng-ōe. Chāi góa thiaⁿ, yi kóng kah chin sêng-khún. Che chū-lâi sī yi ê thian-hūn -- soeh-ho̍k pa̍t-lâng. Jīm-hô chōng-hóng yi lóng kóng kah chin chhim-ji̍p, mā chin gâu thiu-thè. Góa siūⁿ, tō sī án-ne, yi bián kò͘-tēng ê chū-só͘, a̍h ún-tēng ê chit-gia̍p tō chin hó kòe-ji̍t, sui-bóng góa si̍t-chāi mā m̄-chai kīn-lâi yi sī án-nóa kòe-ji̍t.

"Goán tāi-khài sì-kang chêng phah-m̄-kiàn i (him) ê," Samantha kóng, chiàⁿ-bīn tùi hit-ê cha-bó͘, kim-kim khòaⁿ yi ê ba̍k-chiu. "Ū lâng-kheh lâi, in bô kā tōa-mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi."

"Goán gō͘-kang chêng hoat-hiān chit-chiah káu," hit-ê cha-bó͘ kóng. Yi bô hòa-chong, ū chi̍t-ê phó͘-thong ê Tiong-se-pō͘ ê bīn; sī tiōng si̍t-chāi ê bīn, bē liáu sî-kan chò gōng-sū."

"Pài-it?"

"Sī ah."

"He tō sī goán kā i (him) phah-m̄-kiàn ê sî-kan."

Hit-ê cha-bó͘ ká-ná tùi Samantha ū gî-sim, m̄-koh yi kā sio-mo͘h ê siang-chhiú pàng lo̍h, pòaⁿ chhiò -- yi goān-ì siong-sìn. Yi boeh chiap-siū yi ê kóng-hoat. "Goán siūⁿ-kóng he sī bó-ê." 

"Tio̍h," Samantha pe̍h-chha̍t ê sî chóng-sī khin-sang koh bē làu-khùi. "Góa chai, he hō͘ lâng khùn-jiáu. Goán tit-tio̍h yi ê sî, goán chí-á chóng-sī kóng yi khòaⁿ khí-lâi ná sī kang-ê, só͘-í āu-lâi goán tō kā yi hō-chò Him*." Samantha chhiò chhut-lâi. [* him = lâm-sèng tē-3 jîn-cheng 'i' ê siū-ke.]

"Ta̍k-ê lóng ē hut m̄-tio̍h khì."

*

7. 阮 kā 她號做 Him

我想著 Ivan, 經過一日拚死拚活 ê 官司了後, 伊 ê 目頭平靜. "你知, 你拄著某人五分鐘, 你 tō 知影 in 規世人 m̄-bat 有罪惡感."

"好囝!" 她講.

"是 ah, 有一个好囝. 伊是大人. In lóng 歡喜做歹人."

"Á 咱 lóng 是 ‘歹勢 lah, 我誠歹勢! 真歹勢, 代誌無圓滿. 歹勢我毋是 Shirley kln* Temple, kō͘ 我 ê 小面子予逐人歡喜.’" 這時 Samantha 真有興頭, 一手開車, 一手噗薰. [* kln = kàn-lín-niâ; Shirley Temple 是電影明星]

"Án-ne 真悲哀."

"我希望我有一支 lān-chiáu. 我有讀一篇文章講, Sylvia Plath* 是去予 PMS** 害死 ê." [* Sylvia Plath: 女詩人; ** PMS: 月經前 ê 症頭]

"你著承認, 是 Sylvia Plath 害死 Sylvia Plath."

"Oh, 免. 我毋免承認啥物." Samantha 開喙 ǹg 我笑一下, 笑 kah 喙開開. 有代誌當 teh 發展. 阮進入一个 Samantha 時間. Samantha 佮意戲劇, 大細 lóng 佮意. 阮猶是囡仔 ê 時, 她總是求我先行, m̄-koh 等時間到 ê 時, 她 tō 伸手閘我, ka-tī 向前衝出去, 急欲做某種大膽, 戇呆, a̍h 奇怪 ê 代誌. 今, 她停 tī 一个郊外社區中間, tī 一排仝款仝款 ê 厝頭前, he 厝崁瓦, 是典型 ê Taco-Bell 式樣 ê 建物. 我注意著, Samantha ê 手提一張紙. 頂面寫:

抾著: HAPA 狗 (PUG)

然後有一个地址.

"你欲綴我來無?"

"我想, 是 lah."

Samantha chhōa 路來到厝門口. 她揤門鈴, 一个中年查某來應門, 穿現代版 ê 圍裙: 一軀運動衫. Samantha 笑一下, 開始講話. 在我聽, 她講 kah 真誠懇. 這自來是她 ê 天份 -- 說服別人. 任何狀況她 lóng 講 kah 真深入, mā 真 gâu 抽退. 我想, tō 是 án-ne, 她免固定 ê 住所, a̍h 穩定 ê 職業 tō 真好過日, 雖罔我實在 mā 毋知近來她是 án-nóa 過日.

"阮大概四工前拍毋見伊 (him) ê," Samantha 講, 正面對彼个查某, 金金看她 ê 目睭. "有人客來, in 無 kā 大門關起來."

"阮五工前發現這隻狗," 彼个查某講. 她無化妝, 有一个普通 ê 中西部 ê 面; 是重實在 ê 面, 袂了時間做戇事."

"拜一?"

"是 ah."

"彼 tō 是阮 kā 伊 (him) 拍毋見 ê 時間."

彼个查某 ká-ná 對 Samantha 有疑心, m̄-koh 她 kā sio-mo͘h ê 雙手放落, 半笑 -- 她願意相信. 她欲接受她 ê 講法. "阮想講彼是母 ê." 

"著," Samantha 白賊 ê 時總是輕鬆 koh 袂落氣. "我知, he 予人困擾. 阮得著她 ê 時, 阮姊仔總是講她看起來 ná 是公 ê, 所以後來阮 tō kā 她號做 Him*." Samantha 笑出來. [* him = 男性第 3 人稱 '伊' ê 受格.]

"逐个 lóng 會拂毋著去."

*

7.

I think of Ivan, his brow serene after a day of cutthroat litigation. "You know how you just meet some people, and after five minutes you can tell they've never felt guilty their whole lives?"

"Boys!" she says.

"Yeah, for one, boys. Grown men. They're happy being jerks."

"And then we're all, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm sorry everything isn't perfect. I'm sorry I'm not Shirley fucking Temple making everyone happy with my little face.'" Samantha is excited now, steering with one hand and smoking with the other.

"It's pathetic."

"I wish I had a cock. I read an article that said PMS killed Sylvia Plath."

"You've gotta admit, Sylvia Plath killed Sylvia Plath."

"Oh no. I don't gotta admit anything." Samantha grins at me, a too-big grin. Something is going on. We are in for a Samantha Moment. Samantha loves dramas, big, small, whatever. When we were kids, Samantha would always beg me to go first, but when it came time she'd throw an arm across me and bolt forward, itching to do something daring or stupid or just strange. Now she stops in the middle of a suburban neighborhood, in front of a row of identical houses with tiled roofs, typical Taco Bell-style architecture. I notice that Samantha has a piece of paper in her hand. It says:

FOUND: PUG

And then there's an address.

"Are you coming with me?"

"I guess."

Samantha leads the way to the front door of the house. She rings the bell and a middle-aged woman answers wearing the modern-day version of the apron: a sweat suit. Samantha smiles and begins to speak. Even to me, she sounds sincere. This has always been her great talent -- convincing people. She can talk her way into and then back out of any situation. I think it's what enables her to live without any fixed address or steady job, though I'm not really sure how Samantha lives these days.

"We lost him about four days ago," Samantha says, facing the woman squarely, looking her in the eye. "We had guests and they left the gate open."

"We found the dog five days ago," the woman says. She has a plain Midwestern face, no makeup; a practical face without time for foolishness.

"Monday?"

"Yes."

"That's when we lost him."

The woman seems suspicious of Samantha, but then she uncrosses her arms and half smiles -- she wants to believe. She wants to be taken in. "We thought it was a female."

"Yes," Samantha is loose, seamless when she lies, "I know, it's confusing. When we got her my sister kept saying she looked like a him, so finally we just named her Him." Samantha laughs. "Everyone gets mixed up."

*