8. Kevin 是我 ê 內應

8. Kevin sī góa ê lāi-èng

Tùi che, chit-ê cha-bó͘ ē-tàng kóng sáⁿ ah? Chiâⁿ hó-chhiò, góa kî-thāi yi tng-bīn tōa-la̍t kā mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi. M̄-koh Samantha ū bó͘-chióng góa só͘ bô ê mi̍h, bó͘-chióng gián-kiù-oân bô-hoat-tō͘ liōng-hòa ê mi̍h -- bī-le̍k. Goán kám-kak he ē hō͘ lâng lia̍h-kông.

Hit-ê cha-bó͘ kiâⁿ ji̍p-khì, koh chhut-lâi ê sî chhiú khan âng-tòa-á, liân chi̍t-chiah teh chhoán ê hapa káu.

"Him!" Samantha hiàm chi̍t-siaⁿ. Hit-chiah kàu cháu kòe-lâi, chīⁿ yi ê chhiú.

Yi kā hit-ê cha-bó͘ soeh-siā, tō oa̍t-sin chhōa hapa káu kiâⁿ chhut-lâi. Káu oàiⁿ lâi kàu chhia, hut-leh tō ná-chhiūⁿ se̍k-chhiú thiàu chiūⁿ thâu-chêng ūi. Góa tō kā sóa kòe-lâi chē góa piⁿ-á. Káu koai-koai sì-kè khòaⁿ, i ê kap-á ba̍k phok-phok, káu-phôe sang-sang kòa tī sok-kiat ê sin-khu. I khai-sí teh chhoán.

"Lí khòaⁿ," yi kóng, "chit-chióng káu sin-bé-ê chi̍t-chiah tio̍h chha-put-to chi̍t-chheng kho͘ bí-kim."

"Che kám chin-chiàⁿ sī lí ê káu?"

Samantha khòaⁿ góa, kóng, "Che chiâⁿ chhù-bī."

"Bô chhù-bī, chin ê."

"Che sī lí ê káu," yi kóng. "Góa ūi lí khoán ê."

"Góa bô ài."

"Sī án-nóa?"

"Góa tō sī bô-ài ah."

"Oke, hó. Nā án-ne, he sī góa ê káu." Chū án-ne, yi kō͘ siang-chhiú am bīn, khai-sí teh chhīⁿ-chhn̄g."

Tāi-khài 80% -- hián-jiân che mā sī góa tit-tio̍h ê ki-lu̍t -- m̄-koán Samantha tit-tio̍h sáⁿ-mih pēⁿ, siang-ke̍k chêng-kám chiòng-gāi a̍h pian-iân-hêng jîn-keh chiòng-gāi a̍h cheng-sîn hun-lia̍t-chèng a̍h iu-ut-chèng a̍h jia̍t-kông-chèng. Tî-hui, yi lóng bô chiah-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. M̄-sī án-ne, mā m̄-sī tián-hêng án-ne, kin-kì gián-kiù-oân ê kóng-hoat -- kin-kì chi̍t-ê te̍k-pia̍t ê gián-kiù-oân Kevin, sī chi̍t-ê lâu-chhùi-chhiu ê siā-hōe-ha̍k kàu-siū, i tī chêng kúi-pái chi̍p-hōe ê bó͘-chi̍t-àm tī lí-koán chiu-pa hō͘ góa saⁿh-tio̍h. Chi̍t-ê hô-hó ê chi̍t-iā-chêng tō ū chit-lō hāu-kó, si̍t-chāi chin kiaⁿ-lâng. Chū hit-chūn khí, i tō sī góa ê lāi-èng, ún-tēng ê chêng-pò lâi-goân. Tong-jiân sī iú-koan góa ê, m̄-koh tōa-pō͘-hūn sī iú-koan Samantha ê.

"Samantha phû-phû," Kevin tī téng-kái ê chi̍p-hōe kái-soeh kóng. Hit-sî góa iáu-bōe kiat-hun, m̄-koh i kiat ah; i chheng-chhó kā góa kóng, goán ê "romans" í-keng kòe khì ah. Che hō͘ góa ài chhiò. "He mā hoān-sè sī chi̍t-chióng pēⁿ."

"M̄-koh, sī án-nóa yi ē phû-phû, á góa bē án-ne?"

"Hmh," i ná liàm chhùi-chhiu, "goán hoat-hiān ê chhù-bī tāi-chì sī, hun-khui chhiâⁿ-tōa ê tan-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á -- tī bô kāng ê khoân-kéng -- iáu ū tāi-khài 50% ê jîn-keh te̍k-teng sī kāng-khoán ê."

"Chin hó." Góa chóng-sī bô nāi-sim thiaⁿ i he ha̍k-chiá ê kháu-khì -- i sī gián-kiù-chiá, góa sī gián-kiù ê tùi-siōng, án-ne pēng bô tāi-piáu i sī thian-châi, góa sī gōng-tai. "Nā án-ne, tī kāng-khoán khoân-kéng tōa-hàn ê siang-seⁿ-á it-tēng ū koh-khah chē."

"Bê-lâng ê só͘-chāi tō sī tī chia. Chò-hóe chhiâⁿ-tōa ê siang-seⁿ-á mā ū tāi-khài 50% ê jîn-keh te̍k-teng sī kāng-khoán ê." I ê ba̍k-bâi giâ chi̍t-ê -- chi̍t-ê ū ì-gī ê piáu-chêng.

"Oke, kàu-siū. Ì-sù sī sáⁿ-mih?"

"Hmh, tōa-pō͘-hūn kāng-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á bô kah-ì thiaⁿ che, m̄-koh goán kā chit 50% ê piàn-hòa kui-in tī in tâng-chê tōa-hàn chit-ê sū-si̍t." "Oh, góa chai ah. Hit 50% sī goán siūⁿ boeh hō͘ ka-tī kap tùi-hong bô-kāng."

"Chiàⁿ sī án-ne. Tī bó͘-chióng thêng-tō͘ siōng, khì-tô͘ án-ne."

"Goán kò͘-tēng ka-tī ê ūi-tì. Góa sī hó ê siang-seⁿ-á. Samantha sī siâ-ok ê siang-seⁿ-á."

"Góa kò-jîn bē kóng Samantha siâ-ok. Yi khah ē loān-iōng io̍h-bu̍t. Samantha khah ū chhòng-chō-le̍k."

*

8. Kevin 是我 ê 內應

對這, 這个查某會當講啥 ah? 誠好笑, 我期待她當面大力 kā 門關起來. M̄-koh Samantha 有某種我所無 ê 物, 某種研究員無法度量化 ê 物 -- 魅力. 阮感覺 he 會予人掠狂.

彼个查某行入去, koh 出來 ê 時手牽紅帶仔, 連一隻 teh 喘 ê hapa 狗.

"Him!" Samantha hiàm 一聲. 彼隻狗走過來, 舐她 ê 手.

她 kā 彼个查某說謝, tō 越身 chhōa hapa 狗行出來. 狗 oàiⁿ 來到車, hut-leh tō ná 像熟手跳上頭前位. 我 tō kā 徙過來坐我邊仔. 狗乖乖四界看, 伊 ê 蛤仔目 phok-phok, 狗皮鬆鬆掛 tī 束結 ê 身軀. 伊開始 teh 喘.

"你看," 她講, "這種狗新買 ê 一隻著差不多一千箍美金."

"這敢真正是你 ê 狗?"

Samantha 看我, 講, "這誠趣味."

"無趣味, 真 ê."

"這是你 ê 狗," 她講. "我為你款 ê."

"我無愛."

"是 án-nóa?"

"我 tō 是無愛 ah."

"Oke, 好. 若 án-ne, 彼是我 ê 狗." 自 án-ne, 她 kō͘ 雙手掩面, 開始 teh chhīⁿ-chhn̄g."

大概 80% -- 顯然這 mā 是我得著 ê 機率 -- 毋管 Samantha 得著啥物病, 雙極情感障礙 a̍h 邊緣型人格障礙 a̍h 精神分裂症 a̍h 憂鬱症 a̍h 熱狂症. 除非, 她 lóng 無 chiah-ê 物件. 毋是 án-ne, mā 毋是典型 án-ne, 根據研究員 ê 講法 -- 根據一个特別 ê 研究員 Kevin, 是一个留喙鬚 ê 社會學教授, 伊 tī 前幾擺集會 ê 某一暗 tī 旅館酒吧 hō͘ 我 saⁿh 著. 一个和好 ê 一夜情 tō 有 chit-lō 效果, 實在真驚人. 自彼陣起, 伊 tō 是我 ê 內應, 穩定 ê 情報來源. 當然是有關我 ê, m̄-koh 大部份是有關 Samantha ê.

"Samantha 浮浮," Kevin tī 頂改 ê 集會解說講. 彼時我猶未結婚, m̄-koh 伊結 ah; 伊清楚 kā 我講, 阮 ê "romans" 已經過去 ah. 這予我愛笑. "彼 mā 凡勢是一種病."

"M̄-koh, 是 án-nóa 她會浮浮, á 我袂 án-ne?"

"Hmh," 伊 ná 捻喙鬚, "阮發現 ê 趣味代誌是, 分開晟大 ê 單卵雙生仔 -- tī 無仝 ê 環境 -- 猶有大概 50% ê 人格特徵是仝款 ê."

"真好." 我總是無耐心聽伊 he 學者 ê 口氣 -- 伊是研究者, 我是研究 ê 對象, án-ne 並無代表伊是天才, 我是戇呆. "若 án-ne, tī 仝款環境大漢 ê 雙生仔一定有 koh 較濟."

"迷人 ê 所在 tō 是 tī chia. 做伙晟大 ê 雙生仔 mā 有大概 50% ê 人格特徵是仝款 ê." 伊 ê 目眉夯一个 -- 一个有意義 ê 表情.

"Oke, 教授. 意思是啥物?"

"Hmh, 大部份仝卵雙生仔無佮意聽這, m̄-koh 阮 kā chit 50% ê 變化歸因 tī in 同齊大漢這个事實." "Oh, 我知 ah. Hit 50% 是阮想欲予 ka-tī kap 對方無仝."

"正是 án-ne. Tī 某種程度上, 企圖 án-ne."

"阮固定 ka-tī ê 位置. 我是好 ê 雙生仔. Samantha 是邪惡 ê 雙生仔."

"我個人袂講 Samantha 邪惡. 她較會亂用藥物. Samantha 較有創造力."

*

8.

What can the woman say to this? It's so ridiculous, I expect her to slam the door in our faces. But Samantha has something I don't have, something the researchers can't quantify -- charisma. I find it maddening.

The woman goes inside and comes back with a pug dog wheezing on the end of a red leash.

"Him!" exclaims Samantha. The dog trots over and licks her hand.

She thanks the woman and turns to usher the pug down the walk. It waddles to the car and hops in the front seat like an old hand. I have to shove it over to sit down. The dog looks around placidly, its froggy eyes bulging, its skin hanging around its compact body. It starts to pant.

"Check it out," she says, "these things cost about a thousand dollars new."

"Is that really your dog?"

Samantha looks at me and says, "That's really funny."

"No, really."

"It's your dog," she says. "I got it for you."

"I don't want it."

"Why not?"

"I just don't."

"Okay, fine. Then it's my dog." Then she puts her face in her hands and begins to sob.

Around 80 percent -- apparently that's my chance of having it too -- whatever Samantha has, bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia or depression or mania. Except she doesn't seem to have any of these things. Not really, not typically, according to the researchers -- well, according to a particular researcher, Kevin, a bearded sociology professor I captivated one evening at the hotel bar a couple of meetings ago. It's truly amazing, what an amicable one-night stand can accomplish. He's been my man on the inside ever since, a steady source of information. About me, of course, but mostly about Samantha.

"Samantha is just volatile," Kevin explained, at the last meeting. I wasn't married yet but he was; he had made it clear that our "romance" was over. That made me laugh. "It's not necessarily an illness."

"But how can she be so volatile when I'm not?"

"Well," he stroked his little beard, "the interesting thing we've learned is that monozygotic twins raised apart -- in different environments -- still have about 50 percent of their personality traits in common."

"Fine." I'm always impatient with Kevin's professorial tone -- just because he's the researcher and I'm the subject doesn't mean he's a genius and I'm a dolt. "Then twins raised in the same environment must have even more."

"That's the fascinating thing. Twins raised together also have about 50 percent of their personality traits in common." He raised his eyebrows -- a significant look.

"Okay, professor. Meaning what?"

"Well, most identical twins don't like to hear this, but we attribute the 50 percent variation to the fact that they were raised together." "Oh, I see. That 50 percent is us trying to be different from one another."

"Exactly. Trying, on some level."

"We stake our spot. I'm the good twin. Samantha's the evil twin."

"I wouldn't call Samantha evil, personally. She's prone to substance abuse. You may be too. She's more creative."

*