⑭. 我 ê 頭殼頂有一个位 hàng-hàng

14. Góa ê thâu-khak-téng ū chi̍t-ê ūi hàng-hàng

Bô-lâng bat mn̄g góa tùi California Siang-seⁿ-á Gián-kiù ê ì-kiàn, m̄-koh nā ū-lâng mn̄g, góa ē kóng, in tio̍h thêng-chí chò hiah-ê hō͘ goán kám-kak ná-chhiūⁿ niáu-chhí-á ê tāi-chì. Cháu-lông ê chhái-tòa kā goán ùi chi̍t-ê pâng-keng chhōa kàu lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê pâng-keng te̍k-pia̍t bô-ì-sù, iû-kî tī bó͘ chi̍t-kóa chhek-giām liáu-āu hō͘ goán tiⁿ-kho͘-á pháng -- ná m̄ hō͘ goán chi̍t-tè chhiz? M̄-koh, tī chiah-ê chhek-giām tiong-kan lóng ū chi̍t-ê ki-pún ê lí-liām, hō͘ goán ê jīm-hô sìn-sit lóng sī siuⁿ-kòe-chē ê sìn-sit. Chū án-ne, góa kiâⁿ ji̍p chi̍t-ê pâng-keng, tó tī ū chhu-thiap ê tâi-á téng, chi̍t-ê pe̍h-saⁿ ê cha-bó͘ kō͘ léng-peng-peng ê tiān-ke̍k-tòa tah góa ê thâu-khak. Góa mn̄g yi kóng, he boeh chhòng-sáⁿ, yi kóng, "Boeh chhek-liông." Góa mn̄g yi sī sáⁿ-khoán ê chhek-liông, yi kóng, "Tiōng-iàu ê chhek-liông." Jiân-āu, yi lâu góa tī pòaⁿ-àm ê pâng-keng nih, kiò góa tio̍h pàng khin-sang. M̄-koh, góa chai-iáⁿ in teh pìⁿ sáⁿ: teh chhek-liông góa ê náu-pho, khòaⁿ sī-m̄-sī hām Samantha ê sio-kāng.

Ū chi̍t-khùn, góa chhì boeh siūⁿ ka-tī te̍k-iú ê siūⁿ-hoat; m̄-koh he ná siuⁿ-kòe chhin-chhiūⁿ Samantha, chū án-ne, góa khì chhōe chi̍t-kóa khah phú, khah phó͘-thong ê siūⁿ-hoat, chit-sî góa liáu-kái, che sī góa teh chò jîn-keh chhek-giām ê sî kiâⁿ kòe ê kāng-tiâu lō͘. Hoâiⁿ-ti̍t chiah-ê góa mā lóng bô hut chheng-chhó. Góa m̄-chai, bô-lūn-jî-hô góa ū gōa-chē sī yi ê chi̍t-pō͘-hūn. Goán chò-hóe tōa-hàn. Goán tī ki-in-siōng sī kāng-khoán ê. Hoān-sè, siūⁿ boeh to̍k-it-bô-jī mā sī lēng-gōa chi̍t-hāng goán sio-kāng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ; tī bó͘ chi̍t-ê só͘-chāi, tī lēng-gōa bó͘ chi̍t-ê pâng-keng, Samantha mā tó leh, thâu-khak liân tiān-sòaⁿ, chhì teh siūⁿ góa bē khì siūⁿ tio̍h ê siūⁿ-hoat. Lo̍h-bóe, góa hòng-khì siūⁿ goân-chhòng ê siūⁿ-hoat, tī tâi-á téng khùn khì. Chha-put-to kāng hit-sî, góa khai-sí bîn-bāng: hái-iûⁿ tiùⁿ-tōa, tōa-éng tī ji̍t-kng-ē siám-kng, tī hái-po͘ giâ-khí. Āu-lâi, kui-ê hái-hōaⁿ khì hō͘ thun lo̍h -- chhù, chhia, hái-kak, hái-than ê jia-ji̍t-sòaⁿ -- lóng khì hō͘ sé cháu, chhun lo̍h-lâi ê kan-ta sī chi̍t tōa-phiàn ê nâ-sek hái-chúi: lóng bô ah. Ta̍k-hāng lóng bô.

Hit-chiat kiat-sok liáu-āu, góa hoat-hiān Samantha chē tī kî-tiong chi̍t-ê tn̂g-tn̂g cháu-lông ê tē-thán, un tī chi̍t-tiâu n̂g-sek ê tòa-á téng. Yi teh khàu.

Góa chhoán chi̍t-ê tōa-khùi. "Taⁿ sī án-nóa lah?"

"Lí kiat-hun ah." yi kā bīn-siōng ê phīⁿ-chúi chhit tiāu. Che sī hó-khòaⁿ bīn, kám-kak tī Samantha sin-siōng khah hó-khòaⁿ (góa sīm-chì hō͘ Kevin sêng-jīn che), khah thàu-bêng, khah khoan-khoah. Tī góa ê sin-siōng, he tō khah peng-léng, ba̍k-bâi tiong-kan ū chi̍t-ê kat.

"Án-ne sī án-nóa?"

"Lí chí-sī... khah chèng-siông ah-lah."

"Lí án-ne kóng, bē-su he sī hó-sū."

"He sī hó-sū. Lí sī hó ê hit-ê, ē-kì-tit bô?"

Góa chhiò chhut-lâi. "Oke, lán kā che kóng-kóng chhut-lâi, kóng hō͘ khui, kóng hō͘ lī. Chin a̍h ké: góa ê thâu-khak-téng ū chi̍t-ê ūi hàng-hàng."

"Chin!" Samantha bong yi ka-tī ê ūi. "Tī chia. He hō͘ góa kiông boeh khí-siáu."

Góa bong góa ka-tī ê thâu, kiaⁿ-chi̍t-tiô hoat-hiān góa tī hia mā ū chi̍t-ê hàng-hàng ê tiám. Góa koh chhì lēng-gōa chi̍t-hāng. "Chin a̍h ké: góa tong-jiân siūⁿ boeh tī pián-á ê pá-hì nih kā i phah-pāi."

"Chin! Lí kám bē?"

"Tio̍h. Lí kám lóng chiàu-si̍t hôe-tap in?"

"Tong-jiân." Samantha phīⁿ suh chi̍t-ē. "Lí án-nóa?"

"Góa chīn-liōng soán lí bē soán ê lâi tap."

*

14. 我 ê 頭殼頂有一个位 hàng-hàng

無人 bat 問我對 California 雙生仔研究 ê 意見, m̄-koh 若有人問, 我會講, in 著停止做 hiah-ê 予阮感覺 ná 像鳥鼠仔 ê 代誌. 走廊 ê 彩帶 kā 阮 ùi 一个房間 chhōa 到另外一个房間特別無意思, 尤其 tī 某一寡測驗了後予阮甜箍仔 pháng -- 那毋予阮一塊 chhiz? M̄-koh, tī chiah-ê 測驗中間 lóng 有一个基本 ê 理念, 予阮 ê 任何信息 lóng 是 siuⁿ 過濟 ê 信息. 自 án-ne, 我行入一个房間, 倒 tī 有苴 thiap ê 台仔頂, 一个白衫 ê 查某 kō͘ 冷冰冰 ê 電極帶貼我 ê 頭殼. 我問她講, 彼欲創啥, 她講, "欲測量." 我問她是啥款 ê 測量, 她講, "重要 ê 測量." 然後, 她留我 tī 半暗 ê 房間 nih, 叫我著放輕鬆. M̄-koh, 我知影 in teh pìⁿ 啥: teh 測量我 ê 腦波, 看是毋是和 Samantha ê 相仝.

有一睏, 我試欲想 ka-tī 特有 ê 想法; m̄-koh 彼 ná siuⁿ 過親像 Samantha, 自 án-ne, 我去揣一寡較殕, 較普通 ê 想法, 這時我了解, 這是我 teh 做人格測驗 ê 時行過 ê 仝條路. 橫直 chiah-ê 我 mā lóng 無 hut 清楚. 我毋知, 無論如何我有偌濟是伊 ê 一部份. 阮做伙大漢. 阮 tī 基因上是仝款 ê. 凡勢, 想欲獨一無二 mā 是另外一項阮相仝 ê 物件; tī 某一个所在, tī 另外某一个房間, Samantha mā 倒 leh, 頭殼連電線, 試 teh 想我袂去想著 ê 想法. 落尾, 我放棄想原創 ê 想法, tī 台仔頂睏去. 差不多仝彼時, 我開始眠夢: 海洋脹大, 大湧 tī 日光下閃光, tī 海埔夯起. 後來, 規个海岸去予吞落 -- 厝, 車, 海角, 海灘 ê 遮日傘 -- lóng 去予洗走, 賰落來 ê 干焦是一大遍 ê 藍色海水: lóng 無 ah. 逐項 lóng 無.

彼節結束了後, 我發現 Samantha 坐 tī 其中一个長長走廊 ê 地毯, un tī 一條黃色 ê 帶仔頂. 她 teh 哭.

我喘一个大氣. "今是 án-nóa lah?"

"你結婚 ah." 她 kā 面上 ê 鼻水拭掉. 這是好看面, 感覺 tī Samantha 身上較好看 (我甚至予 Kevin 承認這), 較透明, 較寬闊. Tī 我 ê 身上, 彼 tō 較冰冷, 目眉中間有一个結.

"Án-ne 是 án-nóa?"

"你只是... 較正常 ah-lah."

"你 án-ne 講, 袂輸彼是好事."

"彼是好事. 你是好 ê 彼个, 會記得無?"

我笑出來. "Oke, 咱 kā 這講講出來, 講予開, 講予離. 真 a̍h 假: 我 ê 頭殼頂有一个位 hàng-hàng."

"真!" Samantha 摸她 ka-tī ê 位. "Tī chia. He 予我強欲起痟."

我摸我 ka-tī ê 頭, 驚一趒發現我 tī hia mā 有一个 hàng-hàng ê 點. 我 koh 試另外一項. "真 a̍h 假: 我當然想欲 tī 諞仔 ê 把戲 nih kā 伊拍敗."

"真! 你敢袂?"

"著. 你敢 lóng 照實回答 in?"

"當然." Samantha 鼻欶一下. "你 án-nóa?"

"我盡量選你袂選 ê 來答."

*

14.

No one has asked for my opinion of the California Twin Study, but if anyone did I'd say they should stop doing all the things that make us feel like rats. The lines of colored tape in the hallways that usher us from room to room are especially inane, and after certain tests we are offered doughnuts -- why not lumps of cheese? Then there is the underlying philosophy to all this testing, that any information we may be given is too much information. So I go into a room, I lie on a padded table, and a woman in a white coat tapes ice-cold electrodes to my head. When I ask her what they're for, she says, "Taking measurements." When I ask what kind of measurements, she says, "Important." Then she leaves me in the half-darkened room, with instructions to relax. But I know what they're doing: measuring my brainwaves to see if they match Samantha's.

For a while I try to think my own, idiosyncratic thoughts; then that seems too Samantha-like, so I go for some dull, average thoughts; then I realize this is the same road I went down with the personality test. I don't have any of this figured out anyway. I don't know how much of me is a part of her no matter what. We grew up together. We're the same genetically. Maybe the desire to be singular is just another thing we share, and somewhere, in some other room, Samantha is lying with wires attached to her head trying to think thoughts that I wouldn't think. Finally, I give up trying to be original and fall asleep on the table. Almost immediately I begin to have the dream: The ocean swells, enormous waves sparkle in the sun and rise above the beach. Then, the entire shoreline is swallowed up -- houses, cars, cliffs, beach umbrellas -- they're all washed away, and all that's left is a great expanse of blue water: nothing. Everything.

After the session, I find Samantha sitting on the carpet in one of the long hallways, slumped over a line of yellow tape. She's crying.

I sigh. "What's wrong now?"

"You're married." She wipes the snot off her face. It's a nice face, somehow prettier on Samantha (I even got Kevin to admit this), more transparent and broad. It's a little icier on me, with a knot between the eyebrows.

"So what?"

"You're just ... normaller."

"You say that like it's a good thing."

"It is good. You're the good one, remember?"

I laugh. "Okay, let's get this out in the open once and for all. True or false: I have a tender spot on the top of my head."

"True!" Samantha touches her part. "Right here. It drives me crazy!"

I touch my own head and am surprised to find I have a tender spot there too. I try another. "True or false: I would certainly like to beat a crook at his own game."

"True! Wouldn't you?"

"Yes. Do you always answer them truthfully?"

"Of course." Samantha sniffs. "How about you?"

"I try to pick whatever one I think you wouldn't."

*