⑮. Samantha 有身 ah

15. Samantha ū-sin ah

Yi thiaⁿ tio̍h tōa-chhiò. "Nā án-ne, lí tio̍h kái kòe-lâi."

"Sī ah." Góa kám-kak sit-chì. Tong-jiân, Samantha liáu-kái góa kap góa ê chhut-thâu.

"Lí chóng-sī ài pe̍h-chha̍t." yi kóng.

"Lí pàng káu hō͘ góa."

"Góa kám ū?"

"Góa bô boeh chhī."

"Góa chai."

Góa khòaⁿ yi, yi ê bīn khàu kah âng-âng. Góa bē kì-tit téng-kái khàu sī tang-sî. Sīm-chì Ivan, tī goán kiat-hun ê sî, i mā sió-khóa lâu ba̍k-sái. M̄-koh góa bô khàu. Góa sī ún-tiōng ê lâng.

- - -

Hit-kang lo̍h-bóe, Kevin chhōe tio̍h góa, kă hōe-sit-lé. I ê ba̍k-bâi bô hiah giàng ah, piáu-chêng pháiⁿ-sè. Khang-khòe siuⁿ chē, i kái-soeh kóng, siang-chhiú chhah ji̍p lak-tē-á. Kapi lim siuⁿ chē. Koh-lâi, ūi tio̍h piáu-sī an-tah, i kă kóng i só͘ chai ê Samantha: yi ū-sin ah. M̄-koh, tī úi-tāi California Siang-seⁿ-á Gián-kiù ê thoân-thóng tiong-kan, bô-lâng kā yi kóng-khí chit-ê tāi-chì.

I m̄-chai, yi sī-m̄-sī chai-iáⁿ.

Chia̍h-àm kap liáu-āu tī pâng-keng nih, góa ti̍t-ti̍t teh siūⁿ chit-ê tāi-chì; sui-bóng Jason tī pâng-keng bô chi̍t-sî thêng. Ivan kā kóng, i ē-sái kiò kheh-pâng ho̍k-bū, i ē-sái kō͘ iâu-khòng sńg Nintendo, m̄-koh i it-ti̍t ná sè-hàn gín-á, tī bîn-chhn̂g-téng thiàu, á Ivan kan-ta kō͘ ui-hia̍p ê kháu-khì ti̍t-ti̍t hoah "Jason!"

"Á, lí án-nóa khòaⁿ Samantha?" Góa mn̄g, khò tī nn̄g-ê pâng-keng tiong-kan ê mn̂g-kheng. "Yi ká-ná siuⁿ chhìn-chhái, kám m̄-sī?"

"Yi bô sáⁿ lah," Ivan kóng. "Jason!" Jason thiàu koh-khah koân ah. Thâu-khak téng iû-sé-sé ê thâu-chang chhok hiòng koân thiàu-tāng. Ivan khòaⁿ i ê sî-pió-á. "Yi bô lí kóng ê hiah pháiⁿ-tàu-tīn."

"Góa" -- Jason múi chi̍t-ê sû lóng thiàu chi̍t-ē -- "kah-ì, yi, khah, iâⁿ" -- i ê bīn hoán âng -- "lín, nn̄g-ê."

"Khòaⁿ Sîn ê bīn-chú, mài koh án-ne ah-lah," Ivan kóng.

"Lí eng-kai kìⁿ-kòe yi. Yi í-keng ū kái-piàn a̍h sī án-nóa. Yi í-chêng khah, án-nóa kóng, kāu chhau-hoân. Yi ē chia̍h to̍k."

"Chāi góa khòaⁿ, yi bô hiah kāu chhau-hoân," Ivan kóng.

Jason taⁿ múi thiàu chi̍t-ē tō chhut chi̍t-ê "va" siaⁿ, ká-ná chi̍t-tâi tńg bē-kòe ê chhia.

"M̄-koh, lí khòaⁿ ē-chhut, yi oân-choân bô sêng góa, kám m̄-sī?"

Ivan chhiò chhut-lâi. "Hmh, ū chhin-chhiūⁿ ê só͘-chāi."

"Góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut," Jason kō͘ chhiùⁿ ê.

"Pháiⁿ-sè, góa sī teh mn̄g lín pă."

"Aih, góa kám ē."

"Oke Jason. Góa teh mn̄g lín pă."

"Jason, má-siōng mài koh án-ne." Ivan kō͘ hoah ê.

"I m̄ tòng-tiām lah."

"Jason!"

"I m̄ tòng-tiām lah, tî-hui lí mài koh kiò i tòng-tiām."

"Jason! Góa kóng taⁿ!"

Góa tńg kàu goán pâng-keng, khui tiān-sī. Lo̍h-bóe, Ivan ji̍p-lâi, kā keh-keng ê mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi, koh kā chhòaⁿ tio̍h. Ū chi̍t-khùn, góa ē-tàng thiaⁿ tio̍h Jason thiàu bîn-chhn̂g ki-ki koāiⁿ-koāiⁿ ê siaⁿ, sīm-chì Ivan kā góa pàng tó tī goán ka-tī ê bîn-chhn̂g, khai-sí thǹg góa ê saⁿ. I tó tī góa sin-piⁿ, pak-khui góa ê leng-phè-á. Jason í-keng chēng lo̍h-lâi, m̄-koh hit-sî i khai-sí khok-mn̂g. Tú khai-sí, khin-khin-á, āu-lâi kō͘ kòng ê, koh kō͘ tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê siaⁿ kiò "Pă." Góa siūⁿ 13-hòe iáu bô-kàu tōa-hàn. Nn̄g/saⁿ-tang chêng, nā bô chhiàⁿ lâng chhōa, sī bē-sái pàng i ka-tī chi̍t-ê. Góa siūⁿ, góa tio̍h thè i kám-kak khó-liân. M̄-koh chú-iàu góa sī kám-kak chiâⁿ hoân.

*

15. Samantha 有身 ah

她聽著大笑. "若 án-ne, 你著改過來."

"是 ah." 我感覺失志. 當然, Samantha 了解我 kap 我 ê 齣頭.

"你總是愛白賊." 她講.

"你放狗予我."

"我敢有?"

"我無欲飼."

"我知."

我看她, 她 ê 面哭 kah 紅紅. 我袂記得頂改哭是 tang 時. 甚至 Ivan, tī 阮結婚 ê 時, 伊 mā 小可流目屎. M̄-koh 我無哭. 我是穩重 ê 人.

- - -

彼工落尾, Kevin 揣著我, kă 會失禮. 伊 ê 目眉無 hiah giàng ah, 表情歹勢. 工課 siuⁿ 濟, 伊解說講, 雙手 chhah 入 lak 袋仔. Kapi 啉 siuⁿ 濟. Koh 來, 為著表示安搭, 伊 kă 講伊所知 ê Samantha: 她有身 ah. M̄-koh, tī 偉大 California 雙生仔研究 ê 傳統中間, 無人 kā 她講起這个代誌.

伊毋知, 她是毋是知影.

食暗 kap 了後 tī 房間 nih, 我直直 teh siūⁿ 這个代誌; 雖罔 Jason tī 房間無一時停. Ivan kā 講, 伊會使叫客房服務, 伊會使 kō͘ 遙控耍 Nintendo, m̄-koh 伊一直 ná 細漢囡仔, tī 眠床頂跳, á Ivan 干焦 kō͘ 威脅 ê 口氣直直喝 "Jason!"

"Á, 你 án-nóa 看 Samantha?" 我問, 靠 tī 兩个房間中間 ê 門框. "她 ká-ná siuⁿ 凊彩, 敢毋是?"

"她無啥 lah," Ivan 講. "Jason!" Jason 跳 koh 較懸 ah. 頭殼頂油洗洗 ê 頭鬃簇向懸跳動. Ivan 看伊 ê 時錶仔. "她無你講 ê hiah 歹鬥陣."

"我" -- Jason 每一个詞 lóng 跳一下 -- "佮意, 她, 較, 贏" -- 伊 ê 面反紅 -- "恁, 兩个."

"看神 ê 面子, 莫 koh án-ne ah-lah," Ivan 講.

"你應該見過她. 她已經有改變 a̍h 是 án-nóa. 她以前較, án-nóa 講, 厚操煩. 她會食毒."

"在我看, 她無 hiah 厚操煩," Ivan 講.

Jason 今每跳一下 tō 出一个 "va" 聲, ká-ná 一台轉袂過 ê 車.

"M̄-koh, 你看會出, 她完全無成我, 敢毋是?"

Ivan 笑出來. "Hmh, 有親像 ê 所在."

"我看會出," Jason kō͘ 唱 ê.

"歹勢, 我是 teh 問恁 pă."

"Aih, 我敢會."

"Oke Jason. 我 teh 問恁 pă."

"Jason, 馬上莫 koh án-ne." Ivan kō͘ 喝 ê.

"伊毋擋恬 lah."

"Jason!"

"伊毋擋恬 lah, 除非你莫 koh 叫伊擋恬."

"Jason! 我講今!"

我轉到阮房間, 開電視. 落尾, Ivan 入來, kā 隔間 ê 門關起來, koh kā 閂著. 有一睏, 我會當聽著 Jason 跳眠床 ki-ki koāiⁿ-koāiⁿ ê 聲, 甚至 Ivan kā 我放倒 tī 阮 ka-tī ê 眠床, 開始褪我 ê 衫. 伊倒 tī 我身邊, 剝開我 ê 奶帕仔. Jason 已經靜落來, m̄-koh 彼時伊開始硞門. 拄開始, 輕輕仔, 後來 kō͘ 摃 ê, koh kō͘ 著驚 ê 聲叫 "Pă." 我想 13 歲猶無夠大漢. 兩三冬前, 若無倩人 chhōa, 是袂使放伊 ka-tī 一个. 我想, 我著替伊感覺可憐. M̄-koh 主要我是感覺誠煩.

*

15.

She laughs at this. "Then you must switch it."

"Yes." I feel dispirited. Of course Samantha knows all about me and my ways.

"You always did love to lie," she says.

"You left the dog with me."

"I did?"

"I'm not keeping it."

"I know."

I look at her, her face red from crying. I can't remember the last time I cried. Even Ivan, when we got married, became a little teary. But not me. I'm the stable one.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

At the end of the day, Kevin locates me and apologizes. His eyebrows are smoother and he looks embarrassed. Too much work, he explains, shoving his hands into his pockets. Way too much coffee. Then, as a peace offering, he tells me what it is he's learned about Samantha: she's pregnant. And, in the grand tradition of the California Twin Study, no one has mentioned this to her.

He doesn't know if she knows.

I think about this through dinner and afterward, in our rooms, where Jason refuses to settle down. Ivan tells him he can call for room service, he can order Nintendo with the remote, but he keeps jumping on his bed like a little boy while Ivan repeats "Jason" in a threatening tone.

"So what do you think about Samantha?" I lean up against the doorjamb between our rooms. "She's kind of a loose cannon, isn't she?" 

"She's okay," Ivan says. "Jason!" Jason jumps higher. Hanks of greasy hair stream upward from his head. Ivan looks at his watch. "She's not as unpleasant as you described."

"I" -- Jason jumps once on each word -- "like, her, more, than" -- his face is turning red -- "either, of, you."

"For God's sake, stop that," Ivan says.

"You should have seen her before. She's reformed or something. She used to be even more, I don't know, disturbed. She took drugs."

"She didn't seem that disturbed to me," says Ivan.

Jason is now making a va sound with each jump, like a car that won't turn over.

"You can tell she's nothing like me, though, can't you?"

Ivan laughs. "Well, there are similarities."

"I can tell," Jason chants.

"Excuse me, I was asking your dad."

"Boy, can I."

"Okay Jason. I'm asking your dad."

"Jason, stop that right now," Ivan roars.

"He isn't going to stop."

"Jason!"

"He isn't going to stop until you quit telling him to."

"Jason! I said now!"

I go back to our room and turn on the TV. Finally, Ivan comes in, shuts the door to the adjoining room, and bolts it. I can hear the squeak squeak of Jason jumping on the bed for a while, even as Ivan eases me down on our own bed and starts pulling off my blouse. He lies beside me and unclasps my bra. Jason has quieted down, but then he starts knocking at the door. Lightly, at first, but then he's pounding and crying "Dad" in a scared voice. I guess thirteen isn't really that old. Two or three years ago, he would have been too young to leave without a babysitter. I guess I should feel sorry for him. But mostly I feel annoyed.

*