16. Ivan bô hiah bái lah
"Thiⁿ ah," Ivan kóng. I hōe sit-lé liáu, liu ji̍p Jason ê pâng-keng. Góa chún-pī hó sin chi̍t-lûn ê tōa-sè-siaⁿ, m̄-koh kú-kú lóng bô thiaⁿ tio̍h sáⁿ-mih. Āu-lâi, góa thiaⁿ tio̍h Ivan ê siaⁿ, khin-khin ê siaⁿ, ùi mn̂g-phāng thoân kòe-lâi. I m̄-sī kō͘ hoah ê. I teh chhiùⁿ-koa.
- - -
Che sī góa só͘ chai ê: Seng-oa̍h chin pêng-hoân. Bîn-bāng, phòa-pēⁿ, hoaⁿ-hí, pi-siong, thiàⁿ ka-tī ê gín-á -- lâng-lâng ū chiah-ê keng-giām.
Lâng-lâng lóng ū siān-liông kap o͘-àm ê ǹg-bāng. Lán lóng ū hoat-tō͘ hi-seng, hoán-pōe, hóng-tōng. Lâng-lâng lóng bat tī chá-khí chhéⁿ-lâi, kā ka-tī kóng, góa boeh ài it-chhè ê it-chhè, taⁿ, chit-chūn tō boeh, m̄-koh lán lóng ē tōa-hàn. Tāi-chì lóng ē kòe khì; ǹg bāng kā sè-kài khǹg ji̍p lán ê sin-khu, ǹg-bāng ta̍k bió-cheng lóng kòe liáu ū ì-gī, ǹg-bāng kòe kok-chióng ê seng-oa̍h. Lán tī oa̍h-tāng tiong-kan tō͘ kòe lán ê ji̍t-chí. Lán kè hō͘ hó-gia̍h-lâng, in éng-oán bē-tit oân-choân liáu-kái lán, á lán soah kah-ì chit-ê siūⁿ-hoat. A̍h-sī -- sáⁿ-mih? kiat-kio̍k lán ná-chhiūⁿ Samantha -- lán ê kám-chêng ná chhiūⁿ chúi-éng phah lâi, chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái, kiông boeh kā lán im sí, lóng bô ki-hōe o̍h siû-chúi, lóng bô khiáu kah ē-hiáu lī-khui chúi. Góa chai, he mā ū khó-lêng sī góa.
Góa mn̄g Kevin, góa kám koh sī án-ne.
"Góa m̄-chai lí ê ì-sù," i kóng. I chē tī chi̍t-ê sì-kè lóng sī bûn-kiāⁿ, būn-koàn, tóng-àn siuⁿ ê só͘-chāi -- i tio̍h lī-iōng chit-nî chhun ê sî-kan gián-kiù chit-ê chiu-boat ê sò͘-kì.
"Góa ê ì-sù sī, góa kám ē chhin-chhiūⁿ Samantha? Góa kám ē phû-phû? Góa kám ē sì-kè cháu khì jīn-niá m̄-sī góa-ê ê káu, tùi ta̍k-hāng sū lóng khàu, kám ē bê tio̍h 13-hòe ê cha-po͘ gín-á, góa kám ē chia̍h chheⁿ-bah -- téng-téng chit-lō tāi-chì."
"Hmh," Kevin kóng, "lí ū chhin-chhiūⁿ Samantha. Nā-kóng sáng ē sêng yi, he tō sī lí lah. M̄-koh..."
"M̄-koh sáⁿ?"
"Lí m̄-sī yi."
"Chit-má m̄-sī. M̄-koh góa bat sī."
- - -
Lé-pài àm-sî, tī goán chò liáu chòe-āu chi̍t-hāng chhek-giām liáu-āu, Samantha, Diego hām góa koh chi̍t-kái chē yi ê Impala. Goán khui-chhia kàu chhân-hn̂g nih, lō͘ ê nn̄g-pêng lóng sī chi̍t-pâi chi̍t-pâi ê chheⁿ-chhài, ū oe-á-chhài, oán-tāu, tomato, mî-hoe, cheh-koe (squash), n̂g-tāu, lóng tī Ka-chhiu ê ji̍t-kng nih tōa kah chin kàu-hun. Chiah-ê si̍t-bu̍t khòaⁿ khí-lâi lóng chin súi, m̄-koh in lóng ū chōaⁿ tio̍h ū-to̍k ê hòa-ha̍k-phín. Tī hia chò-sit ê gōa-lâi-kang (外來工) ē tì-pēⁿ a̍h án-nóa, che sī góa só͘ tha̍k tio̍h ê.
Góa kiò yi kā chhia thêng tī chi̍t-khu eng-thô tomato hn̂g piⁿ-á. In ná-chhiūⁿ chheⁿ chin-chu kòa tī koáiⁿ-tîn téng, khong-khì chhiong-móa tio̍h kim-koe ê khì-bī. Só͘-ū chiah-ê lông-sán-phín, chiah-ê teh sêng-se̍k ê -- che sī lân-tit siong-sìn ê hong-siu, che hō͘ góa kám-kak pak-tó͘ iau. Goán chēng-chēng chē tī hia, enjín chiām-chiām léng khì.
"Ivan bô hiah hó, kám m̄-sī?" Samantha thàu-kòe jia-hong po-lê khòaⁿ hiah-ê tomato. "Jason kóng i sī chi̍t-ê àu kha-siàu."
"Jason chiah 13-hòe."
"Tio̍h, m̄-koh i m̄-sī gōng-á."
Góa siūⁿ chi̍t-ē. "Ivan bô hiah bái lah. Tong-jiân i ū khó-lêng sī àu kha-siàu. I bē chiap-siū jīm-hô pùn-sò. I chin hó-gia̍h, chin sêng-kong, kám-kak i eng-kai tit-tio̍h só͘-ū hiah-ê, sīm-chì koh-khah chē."
*
16. Ivan 無 hiah 䆀 lah
"天 ah," Ivan 講. 伊會失禮了, 溜入 Jason ê 房間. 我準備好新一輪 ê 大細聲, m̄-koh 久久 lóng 無聽著啥物. 後來, 我聽著 Ivan ê 聲, 輕輕 ê 聲, ùi 門縫傳過來. 伊毋是 kō͘ 喝 ê. 伊 teh 唱歌.
- - -
這是我所知 ê: 生活真平凡. 眠夢, 破病, 歡喜, 悲傷, 疼 ka-tī ê 囡仔 -- 人人有 chiah-ê 經驗.
人人 lóng 有善良 kap 烏暗 ê 向望. 咱 lóng 有法度犧牲, 反背, 放蕩. 人人 lóng bat tī 早起醒來, kā ka-tī 講, 我欲愛一切 ê 一切, 今, 這陣 tō 欲, m̄-koh 咱 lóng 會大漢. 代誌 lóng 會過去; 向望 kā 世界囥入咱 ê 身軀, 向望逐秒鐘 lóng 過了有意義, 向望過各種 ê 生活. 咱 tī 活動中間度過咱 ê 日子. 咱嫁予好額人, in 永遠袂得完全了解咱, á 咱煞佮意這个想法. A̍h 是 -- 啥物? 結局咱 ná 像 Samantha -- 咱 ê 感情 ná 像水湧拍來, 一改 koh 一改, 強欲 kā 咱淹死, lóng 無機會學泅水, lóng 無巧 kah 會曉離開水. 我知, 彼 mā 有可能是我.
我問 Kevin, 我敢 koh 是 án-ne.
"我毋知你 ê 意思," 伊講. 伊坐 tī 一个四界 lóng 是文件, 問卷, 檔案箱 ê 所在 -- 伊著利用這年賰 ê 時間研究這个週末 ê 數據.
"我 ê 意思是, 我敢會親像 Samantha? 我敢會浮浮? 我敢會四界走去認領毋是我 ê ê 狗, 對逐項事 lóng 哭, 敢會迷著 13 歲 ê 查埔囡仔, 我敢會食生肉 -- 等等 chit-lō 代誌."
"Hmh," Kevin 講, "你有親像 Samantha. 若講 sáng 會成她, 彼 tō 是你 lah. M̄-koh..."
"M̄-koh 啥?"
"你毋是她."
"Chit-má 毋是. M̄-koh 我 bat 是."
- - -
禮拜暗時, tī 阮做了最後一項測驗了後, Samantha, Diego 和我 koh 一改坐她 ê Impala. 阮開車到田園 nih, 路 ê 兩爿 lóng 是一排一排 ê 青菜, 有萵仔菜, 宛豆, tomato, 棉花, 節瓜 (squash), 黃豆, lóng tī California ê 日光 nih 大 kah 真到分. Chiah-ê 植物看起來 lóng 真媠, m̄-koh in lóng 有濺著有毒 ê 化學品. Tī hia 做穡 ê gōa-lâi-kang (外來工) 會致病 a̍h án-nóa, 這是我所讀著 ê.
我叫她 kā 車停 tī 一坵櫻桃 tomato 園邊仔. In ná 像青真珠掛 tī 稈藤頂, 空氣充滿著金瓜 ê 氣味. 所有 chiah-ê 農產品, chiah-ê teh 成熟 ê -- 這是難得相信 ê 豐收, 這予我感覺腹肚枵. 阮靜靜坐 tī hia, enjín 漸漸冷去.
"Ivan 無 hiah 好, 敢毋是?" Samantha 透過遮風玻璃看 hiah-ê tomato. "Jason 講伊是一个漚跤數."
"Jason 才 13 歲."
"著, m̄-koh 伊毋是戇仔."
我想一下. "Ivan 無 hiah 䆀 lah. 當然伊有可能是漚跤數. 伊袂接受任何糞埽. 伊真好額, 真成功, 感覺伊應該得著所有 hiah-ê, 甚至 koh 較濟."
*
16.
"Jesus," says Ivan. He excuses himself and slips into Jason's room. I brace myself for another round of screaming but don't hear anything for a long time. Then I hear Ivan's voice, very faintly, coming through the door. He's not yelling. He's singing.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Here's what I know: life is ordinary. Dreams, sickness, joy, grieving, loving our children -- everybody experiences these things. Everyone is full of goodness and dark longings. We all have the capacity for sacrifice, for betrayal, for wildness. Everybody has woken up one morning and said to themselves, I want everything, everything, now, now, but we grow up. It goes away; the longing to take the whole world inside ourselves, to make every second count, to live many lives. We spend our days lost in activity. We marry rich men who can never fully know us, and we like the idea. Or -- what? We end up like Samantha -- with our feelings smacking us like waves, over and over, half-drowning us, never getting a chance to learn to swim, never even being smart enough to get out of the water. I know. That could have been me.
I ask Kevin if it could be me again.
"I'm not sure what you mean," he says. He's sitting surrounded by papers, questionnaires, file boxes -- he'll spend the rest of the year working on this weekend's data.
"I mean could I be like Samantha? Could I be volatile? Could I run around claiming dogs that aren't mine and crying at everything, could I charm thirteen-year-old boys, could I eat raw meat -- that kind of thing."
"Well," Kevin says, "you are like Samantha. If anyone could, it would be you. But ..."
"But what?"
"You aren't her."
"Not right now. But I have been."
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Sunday evening, after we've finished the last of the tests, Samantha and Diego and I take another ride in her Impala. We drive out into the farmland, through rows of vegetables fanning out from the road, lettuce and peas and tomatoes and cotton, squash and soybeans, all growing fat in the California sun. The plants look beautiful, but they're all sprayed down with toxic chemicals. The migrant workers get sick from working with them, or so I've read.
I ask her to pull over beside a field of cherry tomatoes. They're hanging off the stalks like green pearls, and the air is spiked with their pumpkin smell. All that produce, all that ripening -- it's an incredible abundance, and it fills me with hunger. We sit there in silence as the engine cools down.
"Ivan's not that nice, is he?" Samantha gazes through the windshield at the tomatoes. "Jason says he's an asshole."
"Jason's thirteen."
"Yeah, but he's not an idiot."
I consider this. "Ivan's not that bad. He can be an asshole, obviously. He doesn't take any shit. He's rich and successful and feels he deserves all that and more."
*
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