17. Kòe-khì goán chhiâng-chāi án-ne chò
"He án-nóa?"
"Chin ún-tēng. Hui-siông pêng-chēng."
"Thiaⁿ khí-lâi chiâⁿ chán."
Diego ê thâu khòe tī góa ê tōa-thúi. Yi teh kô͘ⁿ. Góa í-keng chai-iáⁿ Samantha hām góa siūⁿ tio̍h kāng chi̍t-ê tāi-chì.
"I chóng-sī boah hit-ê thì-chhiu-chúi?"
"Ta̍k-kang."
"Góa kah-ì he."
"Góa mā sī."
Góa ná chhiò ná kā saⁿ ùi thâu-khak liù-khui. Samantha khòaⁿ góa, chha-put-to bô piáu-chêng -- kan-ta tī yi ê ba̍k-kak ū chi̍t-sut-á bô siong-sìn. In-ūi thong-siông sī yi, kō͘ yi ê Samantha Sî-khek, kái-piàn it-chhè. M̄-koh, chit-kái m̄-sī. Góa thǹg-tiāu góa ê leng-phè-á hām khò͘-boe̍h-á, kau hō͘ yi.
Samantha khai-sí ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò. Jiân-āu yi thǹg-tiāu yi ê bikini saⁿ, phòa-khang ê phah-thih-á khò͘, kā in kau kòe-lâi. Yi kā hun kau hō͘ góa. Yi kā thâu-chang loa̍h-loa̍h leh, chhēng góa ê a-môa-pò͘ iûⁿ-chong, hām bí-sek tô-chiáu-phôe sandál. Chit-má goán nn̄g-lâng lóng ki-ki chhiò. Kòe-khì goán chhiâng-chāi án-ne chò, tng goán ū kāng-khoán ê bōng-sióng ê sî. Ū-sî-chūn, goán kan-ta chò kúi-tiám-cheng, m̄-koh ū-sî goán mā bat chò kúi-ā kang, sīm-chì kúi-ā kò goe̍h. Góa taⁿ-pān chò Samantha, yi chò Amanda. Góa tio̍h ū chhòng-chō-le̍k, chū-hoat-sèng, yi tio̍h chiàu-pō͘-lâi koh léng-chēng. Góa ē the̍h yi ê chheh, khó yi ê chhì, iōng yi ê khí-bín-á, khùn yi ê bîn-chhn̂g. Lóng bô-lâng chai-iáⁿ. Liân goán pē-bú mā hō͘ goán hó͘-lāng kòe. Goán jīn-ûi in eng-kai lah, in-ūi in kā goán chhēng kāng-khoán, thâu-chang ka kāng-khoán, chhōa goán khì chhōe kāng chi̍t-ê piáno lāu-su, i kà goán tī kāng chi̍t-ê ián-chàu-hōe tôaⁿ kāng-khoán ê ga̍k-khek. Kú-nî lâi, ū kúi-ā kái, góa sīm-chì hoâi-gî, goán sī-m̄-sī bat tiàu-ōaⁿ kòe-khì, soah bē-kì-tit tiàu-ōaⁿ tńg-lâi.
Hoān-sè góa chiah sī hit-ê phû-phû ê lâng.
"Góa su-iàu chai-iáⁿ sáⁿ?" Samantha mn̄g.
Góa lóng an-pâi hó ah: góa phah-khui góa ê tô-chiáu phôe-pau. "Chiah-ê sī góa ê sìn-iōng-khah," góa kóng. "Che sī goán pò-kéng-khì ê bi̍t-má, chiah-ê sī chhù ê só-sî, che sī góa ê kà-sú chip-chiàu. Che sī góa ê tē-chí-phō͘, téng-bīn ū phiau goán pêng-iú ê miâ-sèⁿ, hām góa ê ji̍t-chì, ū phiau-kì seⁿ-ji̍t hām kì-liām-ji̍t. Che sī góa liān yoga ê só͘-chāi," góa kau hō͘ yi chi̍t-tiuⁿ thoân-toaⁿ. "It-poaⁿ sī tī pài-jī kap pài-sì. Che sī góa ê peng-soa phah-khang khah (smoothie punch card). Góa kah-ì Femme Boost."
"Iáu ū sáⁿ?"
"Kevin kā góa kóng, lí ū-sin ah."
Samantha chhiò chhut-lâi. Góa siūⁿ bô, he tāi-piáu sáⁿ. Chit-kái, góa kám-kak thâu-hîn, m̄-chai goán sió-mōe teh siūⁿ sáⁿ. Góa mā bô ài chai-iáⁿ.
M̄-koh yi soah kóng, "Lí bô su-iàu ūi góa án-ne chò."
"Góa bô."
Goán ōaⁿ ūi, góa chài goán sió-mōe tńg khì lí-koán. Yi theⁿ tī hù-kà-sú-chō, chi̍t-ki chhiú chhun chhut thang-á, pí hiòng un-loán California ê thiⁿ-téng. Góa kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, hoat-hiān yi chhēng góa ê a-môa iûⁿ-chong si̍t-chāi ū-kàu hó-khòaⁿ. Thoân-thóng hong-keh hián-jiân chin sek-ha̍p yi. Yi khòaⁿ tio̍h khah pêng-chēng, khah tek-tiāⁿ, chit-má yi tòa tī góa ê phôe-hu lāi-bīn. Lí m̄-bián khó-lī yi ê leng. Bô-lâng ē chai-iáⁿ. Tong-jiân, tî-hui sī Jason.
Góa kā chhia thêng tī tōa-thiaⁿ mn̂g-kháu. Samantha oan sin kis Diego, án-ne góa khòaⁿ tio̍h yi thâu-khak-téng hàng-hàng hit-ê ūi.
"Chài-kiàn, Amanda," góa kóng.
"Chài-kiàn, Samantha," yi ìn. Chū án-ne, yi bô oa̍t-thâu tō kā mn̂g koaiⁿ leh, kiâⁿ khui, kha-āu-teⁿ sió-khóa ē oaiⁿh, it-ti̍t kàu yi siau-sit tī se̍h-liàn ê bū-po-lê mn̂g āu-bīn.
Góa kā chhia ji̍p gí-á, se̍h-thâu, Diego chē tī piⁿ-á; góa ná khàu ná kā chhia sái ji̍p hit-phiàn chhài hái.
[Soah]
*
17. 過去阮常在 án-ne 做
"彼 án-nóa?"
"真穩定. 非常平靜."
"聽起來誠讚."
Diego ê 頭 khòe tī 我 ê 大腿. 她 teh kô͘ⁿ. 我已經知影 Samantha 和我想著仝一个代誌.
"伊總是抹彼个剃鬚水?"
"逐工."
"我佮意彼."
"我 mā 是."
我 ná 笑 ná kā 衫 ùi 頭殼 liù 開. Samantha 看我, 差不多無表情 -- 干焦 tī 她 ê 目角有一屑仔無相信. 因為通常是她, kō͘ 她 ê Samantha 時刻, 改變一切. M̄-koh, 這改毋是. 我褪掉我 ê 奶帕仔和褲襪仔, 交予她.
Samantha 開始 ko̍k-ko̍k 笑. 然後她褪掉她 ê bikini 衫, 破空 ê 拍鐵仔褲, kā in 交過來. 她 kā 薰交予我. 她 kā 頭鬃 loa̍h-loa̍h leh, 穿我 ê 亞麻布洋裝, 和米色鴕鳥皮 sandál. Chit-má 阮兩人 lóng ki-ki 笑. 過去阮常在 án-ne 做, 當阮有仝款 ê 夢想 ê 時. 有時陣, 阮干焦做幾點鐘, m̄-koh 有時阮 mā bat 做幾 ā 工, 甚至幾 ā 個月. 我打扮做 Samantha, 她做 Amanda. 我著有創造力, 自發性, 她著照步來 koh 冷靜. 我會提她 ê 冊, 考她 ê 試, 用她 ê 齒抿仔, 睏她 ê 眠床. Lóng 無人知影. 連阮爸母 mā 予阮唬弄過. 阮認為 in 應該 lah, 因為 in kā 阮穿仝款, 頭鬃鉸仝款, chhōa 阮去揣仝一个 piáno 老師, 伊教阮 tī 仝一个演奏會彈仝款 ê 樂曲. 久年來, 有幾 ā 改, 我甚至懷疑, 阮是毋是 bat 調換過去, 煞袂記得調換轉來.
凡勢我才是彼个浮浮 ê 人.
"我需要知影啥?" Samantha 問.
我 lóng 安排好 ah: 我拍開我 ê 駝鳥皮包. "Chiah-ê 是我 ê 信用卡," 我講. "這是阮報警器 ê 密碼, chiah-ê 是厝 ê 鎖匙, 這是我 ê 駕駛執照. 這是我 ê 地址簿, 頂面有標阮朋友 ê 名姓, 和我 ê 日誌, 有標記生日和紀念日. 這是我練 yoga ê 所在," 我交予她一張傳單. "一般是 tī 拜二 kap 拜四. 這是我 ê 冰沙拍空卡 (smoothie punch card). 我佮意 Femme Boost."
"猶有啥?"
"Kevin kā 我講, 你有身 ah."
Samantha 笑出來. 我想無, 彼代表啥. 這改, 我感覺頭眩, 毋知阮小妹 teh 想啥. 我 mā 無愛知影.
M̄-koh 她煞講, "你無需要為我 án-ne 做."
"我無."
阮換位, 我載阮小妹轉去旅館. 她撐 tī 副駕駛座, 一支手伸出窗仔, 比向溫暖 California ê 天頂. 我驚一趒, 發現她穿我 ê 亞麻洋裝實在有夠好看. 傳統風格顯然真適合她. 她看著較平靜, 較得定, chit-má 她蹛 tī 我 ê 皮膚內面. 你毋免考慮她 ê 奶. 無人會知影. 當然, 除非是 Jason.
我 kā 車停 tī 大廳門口. Samantha 彎身 kis Diego, án-ne 我看著伊頭殼頂 hàng-hàng 彼个位.
"再見, Amanda," 我講.
"再見, Samantha," 她應. 自 án-ne, 她無越頭 tō kā 門關 leh, 行開, 跤後蹬小可會 oaiⁿh, 一直到她消失 tī 踅輾 ê 霧玻璃門後面.
我 kā 車入 gí-á, 踅頭, Diego 坐 tī 邊仔; 我 ná 哭 ná kā 車駛入彼遍菜海.
[煞]
*
17.
"How is that?"
"It's steady. It's very calming."
"It sounds kind of great."
Diego's head is in my lap. She's snoring. Already I know Samantha and I are thinking the same thing.
"Does he always wear that aftershave?"
"Every day."
"I like it."
"So do I."
I smile and pull my dress off over my head. Samantha watches me with almost no expression -- just a little disbelief around the corners of her eyes. Because usually she's the one, with her Samantha Moments, who changes everything. But not this time. I take off my bra and pantyhose and hand them to her.
Samantha starts to giggle. Then she takes off her bikini top and ripped jeans and passes them over. She hands me her cigarettes. She smoothes down her hair and puts on my linen sundress, my beige ostrich sandals. Now we're both giggling. We used to do this all the time, back when we had the same dreams. Sometimes we'd do it for just a few hours, but other times we kept it up for days, months even. I would be Samantha, and she would be Amanda. I would be creative and spontaneous, and she would be methodical and calm. I'd carry her books and take her tests and use her toothbrush and sleep in her bed. No one knew. Even our parents were utterly fooled. We thought they deserved it for dressing us alike, cutting our hair the same, taking us to the same piano teacher, who taught us the same pieces to play at the same recitals. There have been times, over the years, when I've even wondered if we ever switched once and forgot to switch back.
Maybe I've been the volatile one all along.
"What do I need to know?" Samantha asks.
I have it all laid out: I open the ostrich purse. "Here are my credit cards," I say. "This is the code to our alarm, these are the keys to the house, here's my driver's license. This is my address book, with our friends' names highlighted, and my calendar with birthdays and anniversaries indicated. This is where I take yoga," I hand her a flyer, "usually on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This is my smoothie punch card. I like the Femme Boost."
"What else?"
"Kevin told me you're pregnant."
Samantha laughs. I have no idea what this means. For once, I have the giddy sensation of having absolutely no idea what my sister is thinking. And I don't want to know.
But she does say, "You don't have to do this for me."
"I'm not."
We switch places and I drive my sister back to the hotel. She leans back in the passenger seat, an arm hanging out the window into the warm California sky. I'm surprised to see how good she looks in my linen dress. Conventionalism suits her remarkably well. She looks calmer, more focused, now that she's inhabiting my skin. You don't miss the breasts, either. No one will ever know. Except Jason, of course.
I stop the car in front of the lobby. Samantha bends over and kisses Diego so that I'm staring at the tender spot on the top of her head.
"Goodbye, Amanda," I say.
"Goodbye, Samantha," she replies. And then without a glance back she slams the door and walks off, wobbling slightly on her heels, until she's swallowed up by the revolving smoked-glass doors.
I put the car in gear and turn it around, Diego at my side, and drive off, crying, into the vegetable sea.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
*
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