3. Goán ê bi̍t-goa̍t khì Europa lí-hêng
Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū, kóng chi̍t-ê chă gín-á kap tông-phōaⁿ sio-su yi káⁿ tī thiⁿ-àm liáu khì chi̍t-ê chāi-tē ê bōng-hn̂g mō͘-hiám. Che sī yi ê gōng: yin kā kóng, tī àm-sî khiā tī bōng-á téng, ē-bīn tòa--ê ē chhut-lâi kā giú loeh, yi thí-chhiò. Thí-chhiò sī chă lâng khó-lêng hoān ê tē-it ê chhò-gō͘.
Góa lâi chèng-bêng hō͘ lín khòaⁿ, yi kóng.
Hong-sîn sī tē-jī ê chhò-gō͘.
Yin hō͘ yi chah chi̍t-ki to khì chha̍k tī léng-peng-peng ê thô͘-kha, kō͘ án-ne chèng-bêng yi ū khì hia, chèng-bêng yi ê lūn-tiám.
Yi khì kàu hit-ê bōng-hn̂g. Ū-ê kóng-kó͘ ê lâng kóng, yi sûi-ì kéng bōng-á. Góa siūⁿ yi kéng chi̍t-ê chin kū ê bōng; chit-ê soán-te̍k piáu-sī yi bô chū-sìn, kiaⁿ bān-it yi chhò-gō͘, sin sí-thé bōe nōa ê kin-bah pí kúi pah nî chêng ê khah hûi-hiám.
Yi kūi tī bōng-á téng, kā to-bah chhim-chhim chhah lo̍h. Boeh khiā khí-lâi cháu khui ê sî, yi hoat-hiān yi cháu bē khui. Ū mi̍h-kiāⁿ kā yi ê saⁿ-ki la̍k tiâu-tiâu. Yi tōa siaⁿ khàu, tó lo̍h-khì.
Thiⁿ kng liáu, yin pêng-iú lâi kàu bōng-hn̂g. In hoat-hiān yi sí tī bōng-á téng, to-bah kā yi kiat-si̍t ê iûⁿ-mo͘-saⁿ tèng tī thô͘-kha. Kiaⁿ--sí a̍h sī kôaⁿ--sí, pē-bú lâi kàu-ūi kám ū khah-choa̍h? Yi pēng bô m̄-tio̍h, m̄-koh í-keng bô iàu-kín ah. Āu-lâi, ta̍k-ê lóng siong-sìn, yi ka-tī siūⁿ boeh sí, sui-bóng yi ê sí chèng-bêng yi ē-tàng oa̍h.
Sū-si̍t ê chèng-bêng, "bô m̄-tio̍h" sī tē-saⁿ ê, mā sī siōng chha ê chhò-gō͘.
*
Goán pē-bú tùi chit-kiāⁿ hun-in chin móa-ì. Goán Abú kóng, sui-bóng tong-kim ê chă gín-á khai-si bān-hun, yi tī 19 hòe hām goán Apa kiat-hun, chin hoaⁿ-hí yi ū án-ne chò.
Teh kéng sin-niû lé-ho̍k ê sî, góa siūⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū: chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ hi-bāng hām ài-jîn khì thiàu-bú, m̄-koh bô chîⁿ bé sin-saⁿ. Yi ùi jī-chhiú-tiàm bé chi̍t-niá khó-ài ê iûⁿ-chong, āu-lâi yi soah phòa-pēⁿ koh lī-khui sè-kan. Giām-si-koaⁿ hoat-hiān yi sī sí tī chiap-chhiok tio̍h sí-thé hông-nōa ê io̍h-chúi. Kiat-lūn sī, chi̍t-ê bē-kiàn-siàu ê pin-gî-koán chō͘-lí ùi chi̍t-ê sin-niû ê sí-thé thau hit-niá saⁿ.
Chit-ê kò͘-sū ê ì-gī, góa siūⁿ sī, sàn-chhiah hāi sí lâng. A̍h sī kóng, hoān-sè i ê ì-gī sī, kò͘-sū lāi-bīn ê sin-niû lóng bô hó-bóe, só͘-í lán tio̍h m̄-thang chò sin-niû, a̍h sī m̄-thang chhut-hiān tī kò͘-sū lāi-té. Chóng-kóng, kò͘-sū hông kám-kak hēng-hok koh ná la̍h-chek án-ne kā pûn hoa.
Goán tī sì-goe̍h kiat-hun, tī chi̍t-ê hoán-siông hân-léng ê ē-po͘. I tī hun-lé chêng khòaⁿ tio̍h góa chhēng sin-niû saⁿ, tō kian-chhî boeh chhim-chêng chim góa, koh chhun-chhiú ji̍p góa ê saⁿ. I khí ngē, góa kā kóng, góa kah-ì i kō͘ i jīn-ûi sek-ha̍p ê hong-sek sú-iōng góa ê sin-thé. In-ūi án-ne, góa chhú-siau góa ê tē-it tiâu kui-chek. I kā góa lu kàu piah, i ê chhiú tháⁿ góa ām-kún piⁿ ê chng-á, ún-tēng i ka-tī. I kō͘ tōa-pû-ong so góa ê si-tòa. I ê chhiú bô tāng, I tī góa lāi-té ka-tī teh hut ê sî, ná kóng góa ài lí, góa ài lí, góa ài lí. Góa m̄-chai, góa sī-m̄-sī tē-it ê cha-bó͘, teh kiâⁿ St George kàu-tn̂g thong-tō ê sî, kha-phāng ná teh lâu cheng-chiap, m̄-koh góa kah-ì siong-sìn góa sī.
*
Goán ê bi̍t-goa̍t, goán khì chi̍t-ê góa kî-thāi chin kú ê hêng-têng: Europa ê lí-hêng. Goán m̄-sī hó-gia̍h, m̄-koh goán chò ē kàu. Goán ùi hoân-hôa, kó͘-ló ê tōa to͘-chhī khì kàu ài-khùn ê chng-kha, kàu Alpis soaⁿ ê tō͘-ká-chhun, koh tńg-lâi, ná lim sio-chiú, ná kō͘ chhùi-khí liah kut-thâu téng ê hang-bah, ná chia̍h Tek-kok spaetzle [ná mī-hún kóe-á ê chia̍h-mi̍h], chhó-kan-ná, Italia ravioli [ná pián-si̍t ê chia̍h-mi̍h], hām chi̍t-chióng góa m̄-bat ê ko-ko ê môe, ta̍k-chái lóng giàn chia̍h. Goán bé bē khí hóe-chhia ê khùn-pho͘, m̄-koh goán ang o͘-se chi̍t-ê ho̍k-bū-oân hō͘ goán chi̍t tiám-cheng ê sî-kan tī chi̍t-ê khang keng, choăn goán tī Rhine Hô téng pān-sū.
(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, ē-sái kō͘ áu-thia̍p thih í-á ê āu-liú lâi chè-chō hóe-chhia lí-hêng hām chò-ài ê kín-tiuⁿ khì-hun hit-sî ê bîn-chhn̂g siaⁿ. Tán lí pìⁿ kah bô khùi-la̍t ê sî, ē-sái hiòng lī lí siōng-kīn ê lâng chhiùⁿ bô-siáⁿ ē-kì-tit koa-sû ê lāu-koa, sim-koaⁿ ná siūⁿ gín-á ê iô-nâ-khek.)
*
Góa ê goe̍h-keng tī lí-hêng tńg-lâi bô kú tō thêng-khùn ah. Chi̍t-àm, tī goán hut kah thiám oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ, hoâiⁿ-tó ti̍t-ke̍h tó tī bîn-chhn̂g ê sî, góa kā goán ang kóng. I hoaⁿ-hí kah ba̍k-chiu hoat-kng.
-- Ū gín-á ah, i kóng. I tó leh, siang-chhiú khǹg tī thâu-khak ē. Ū gín-á. I kú-kú it-ti̍t tiām-tiām, góa kiò-sī i khùn khì ah, m̄-koh góa khòaⁿ kòe, i ê ba̍k-chiu kim-kim, lia̍h thian-pông teh khòaⁿ. I hoan khi-sin, lia̍h góa khòaⁿ.
-- Chit-ê gín-á ē ū si-tòa bô?
Góa kám-kak chhùi-khí kā ân. Góa ê sim-koaⁿ siūⁿ chē-chē tap-àn, lo̍h-bóe góa kéng chi̍t-ê siōng bē hō͘ góa siū-khì ê.
-- Taⁿ, bô siáⁿ hó kóng ê, góa chòe-āu án-ne kā ìn.
I kō͘ chhiú bong góa ê ām-kún, che hō͘ góa kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô. Góa chhut chhiú kā tòng, m̄-koh i iōng-kiông, chi̍t-chhiú lia̍h góa ê nn̄g-ki chhiú-chat, lēng-gōa hit-chhiú khì bong góa ê si-tòa. I kō͘ tōa-pû-ong chhut-la̍t sūn si-tòa loa̍h. I khin-khin bong ia̍h-á kat, ná chhiūⁿ i teh masachì góa ê seks hit-ūi.
-- Pài-thok, góa kóng. Pài-thok mài án-ne.
I bô teh thiaⁿ. Pài-thok, góa koh kóng chi̍t-piàn, kóng khah tōa-siaⁿ, m̄-koh sió-khóa khê-âu.
I nā siūⁿ boeh, i ē-sái chò, ē-sái tháu-khui ia̍h-á kat. M̄-koh i pàng-khui góa, hoan tńg khùn thán-chhiò. Góa ê chhiú-ba̍k ē thiàⁿ, góa so chhiú-ba̍k.
-- Góa su-iàu chi̍t-poe chúi, góa kóng. Góa khí-sin, khì e̍k-keng. Góa chūn chúi-tō-thâu pàng-chúi, jiân-āu kiám-cha góa ê si-tòa, ba̍k-sái kâm kàu ba̍k-chiah-mo͘. Ia̍h-á-kat iáu kat hó-hó.
*
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3. 阮 ê 蜜月去 Europa 旅行
有一个故事, 講一个 chă 囡仔 kap 同伴相輸她敢 tī 天暗了去一个在地 ê 墓園冒險. 這是她 ê 戇: 姻 kā 講, tī 暗時徛 tī 墓仔頂, 下面蹛 ê 會出來 kā 搝 loeh, 她恥笑. 恥笑是 chă 人可能犯 ê 第一个錯誤.
我來證明予恁看, 她講.
風神是第二个錯誤.
姻予她扎一支刀去鑿 tī 冷冰冰 ê 塗跤, kō͘ án-ne 證明她有去 hia, 證明她 ê 論點.
她去到彼个墓園. 有 ê 講古 ê 人講, 她隨意揀墓仔. 我想她揀一个真舊 ê 墓; 這个選擇表示她無自信, 驚萬一她錯誤, 新死體未爛 ê 筋肉比幾百年前 ê 較危險.
她跪 tī 墓仔頂, kā 刀肉深深插落. 欲徛起來走開 ê 時, 她發現她走袂開. 有物件 kā 她 ê 衫裾 la̍k 牢牢. 她大聲哭, 倒落去.
天光了, 姻朋友來到墓園. In 發現她死 tī 墓仔頂, 刀肉 kā 她結實 ê 羊毛衫釘 tī 塗跤. 驚死 a̍h 是寒死, 爸母來到位敢有 khah-choa̍h? 她並無毋著, m̄-koh 已經無要緊 ah. 後來, 逐个 lóng 相信, 她 ka-tī 想欲死, 雖罔她 ê 死證明她會當活.
事實 ê 證明, "無毋著" 是第三个, mā 是上差 ê 錯誤.
*
阮爸母對這件婚姻真滿意. 阮 Abú 講, 雖罔當今 ê chă 囡仔開始慢婚, 她 tī 19 歲和阮 Apa 結婚, 真歡喜她有 án-ne 做.
Teh 揀新娘禮服 ê 時, 我想著一个故事: 一个查某希望和愛人去跳舞, m̄-koh 無錢買新衫. 她 ùi 二手店買一領可愛 ê 洋裝, 後來她煞破病 koh 離開世間. 驗屍官發現她是死 tī 接觸著死體防爛 ê 藥水. 結論是, 一个袂見笑 ê 殯儀館助理 ùi 一个新娘 ê 死體偷彼領衫.
這个故事 ê 意義, 我想是, 散赤害死人. A̍h 是講, 凡勢伊 ê 意義是, 故事內面 ê 新娘 lóng 無好尾, 所以咱著毋通做新娘, a̍h 是毋通出現 tī 故事內底. 總講, 故事 hông 感覺幸福 koh ná 蠟燭 án-ne kā 歕 hoa.
阮 tī 四月結婚, tī 一个反常寒冷 ê 下晡. 伊 tī 婚禮前看著我穿新娘衫, tō 堅持欲深情唚我, koh 伸手入我 ê 衫. 伊起硬, 我 kā 講, 我佮意伊 kō͘ 伊認為適合 ê 方式使用我 ê 身體. 因為 án-ne, 我取消我 ê 第一條規則. 伊 kā 我 lu 到壁, 伊 ê 手挺我頷頸邊 ê 磚仔, 穩定伊 ka-tī. 伊 kō͘ 大垺翁挲我 ê 絲帶. 伊 ê 手無動, 伊 tī 我內底 ka-tī teh 拂 ê 時, ná 講我愛你, 我愛你, 我愛你. 我毋知, 我是毋是第一个查某, teh 行 St George 教堂通道 ê 時, 跤縫 ná teh 流精汁, m̄-koh 我佮意相信我是.
*
阮 ê 蜜月, 阮去一个我期待真久 ê 行程: Europa ê 旅行. 阮毋是好額, m̄-koh 阮做會到. 阮 ùi 繁華, 古老 ê 大都市去到愛睏 ê 庄跤, 到 Alpis 山 ê 渡假村, koh 轉來, ná 啉燒酒, ná kō͘ 喙齒裂骨頭頂 ê 烘肉, ná 食德國 spaetzle [ná 麵粉粿仔 ê chia̍h-mi̍h], 草橄欖, Italia ravioli [ná 扁食 ê chia̍h-mi̍h], 和一種我 m̄-bat ê 膏膏 ê 糜, 逐 chái lóng 癮食. 阮買袂起火車 ê 睏鋪, m̄-koh 阮翁烏西一个服務員予阮一點鐘 ê 時間 tī 一个空 keng , choăn 阮 tī Rhine 河頂辦事.
(你若大聲讀這个故事, 會使 kō͘ 拗疊鐵椅仔 ê 後鈕來製造火車旅行和做愛 ê 緊張氣氛彼時 ê 眠床聲. 等你 pìⁿ kah 無氣力 ê 時, 會使向離你上近 ê 人唱無啥會記得歌詞 ê 老歌, 心肝 ná 想囡仔 ê 搖籃曲.)
*
我 ê 月經 tī 旅行轉來無久 tō 停睏 ah. 一暗, tī 阮拂 kah 忝 oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ, 橫倒直扴倒 tī 眠床 ê 時, 我 kā 阮翁講. 伊歡喜 kah 目睭發光.
-- 有囡仔 ah, 伊講. 伊倒 leh, 雙手囥 tī 頭殼下. 有囡仔. 伊久久一直恬恬, 我叫是伊睏去 ah, m̄-koh 我看過, 伊 ê 目睭金金, 掠天篷 teh 看. 伊翻起身, 掠我看.
-- 這个囡仔會有絲帶無?
我感覺喙齒咬絚. 我 ê 心肝想濟濟答案, 落尾我揀一个上袂予我受氣 ê.
-- 今, 無啥好講 ê, 我最後 án-ne kā 應.
伊 kō͘ 手摸我 ê 頷頸, 這予我驚一趒. 我出手 kā 擋, m̄-koh 伊用強, 一手掠我 ê 兩支手節, 另外彼手去摸我 ê 絲帶. 伊 kō͘ 大垺翁出力順絲帶捋. 伊輕輕摸蝶仔結, ná 像伊 teh masachì 我 ê seks 彼位.
-- 拜託, 我講. 拜託莫 án-ne.
伊無 teh 聽. 拜託, 我 koh 講一遍, 講較大聲, m̄-koh 小可 khê 喉.
伊若想欲, 伊會使做, 會使敨開蝶仔結. M̄-koh 伊放開我, 翻轉睏坦笑. 我 ê 手目會疼, 我挲手目.
-- 我需要一杯水, 我講. 我起身, 去浴間. 我捘水道頭放水, 然後檢查我 ê 絲帶, 目屎含到目睫毛. 蝶仔結猶結好好.
*
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3.
There is a story they tell, about a girl dared by her peers to venture to a local graveyard after dark. This was her folly: when they told her that standing on someone’s grave at night would cause the inhabitant to reach up and pull her under, she scoffed. Scoffing is the first mistake a woman can make.
I will show you, she said.
Pride is the second mistake.
They gave her a knife to stick into the frosty earth, as a way of proving her presence and her theory.
She went to that graveyard. Some storytellers say that she picked the grave at random. I believe she selected a very old one, her choice tinged by self-doubt and the latent belief that if she were wrong, the intact muscle and flesh of a newly dead corpse would be more dangerous than one centuries gone.
She knelt on the grave and plunged the blade deep. As she stood to run she found she couldn’t escape. Something was clutching at her clothes. She cried out and fell down.
When morning came, her friends arrived at the cemetery. They found her dead on the grave, the blade pinning the sturdy wool of her skirt to the ground. Dead of fright or exposure, would it matter when the parents arrived? She was not wrong, but it didn’t matter any more. Afterwards, everyone believed that she had wished to die, even though she had died proving that she could live.
As it turns out, being right was the third, and worst, mistake.
*
My parents are pleased about the marriage. My mother says that even though girls nowadays are starting to marry late, she married father when she was nineteen, and was glad that she did.
When I select my wedding gown, I am reminded of the story of the young woman who wished to go to a dance with her lover, but could not afford a dress. She purchased a lovely white frock from a secondhand shop, and then later fell ill and passed from this earth. The coroner who performed her autopsy discovered she had died from exposure to embalming fluid. It turned out that an unscrupulous undertaker’s assistant had stolen the dress from the corpse of a bride.
The moral of that story, I think, is that being poor will kill you. Or perhaps the moral is that brides never fare well in stories, and one should avoid either being a bride, or being in a story. After all, stories can sense happiness and snuff it out like a candle.
We marry in April, on an unseasonably cold afternoon. He sees me before the wedding, in my dress, and insists on kissing me deeply and reaching inside of my bodice. He becomes hard, and I tell him that I want him to use my body as he sees fit. I rescind my first rule, given the occasion. He pushes me against the wall and puts his hand against the tile near my throat, to steady himself. His thumb brushes my ribbon. He does not move his hand, and as he works himself in me he says I love you, I love you, I love you. I do not know if I am the first woman to walk up the aisle of St George’s with semen leaking down her leg, but I like to imagine that I am.
*
For our honeymoon, we go on a trip I have long desired: a tour of Europe. We are not rich but we make it work. We go from bustling, ancient metropolises to sleepy villages to alpine retreats and back again, sipping spirits and pulling roasted meat from bones with our teeth, eating spaetzle and olives and ravioli and a creamy grain I do not recognize but come to crave each morning. We cannot afford a sleeper car on the train, but my husband bribes an attendant to permit us one hour in an empty room, and in that way we couple over the Rhine.
(If you are reading this story out loud, make the sound of the bed under the tension of train travel and lovemaking by straining a metal folding chair against its hinges. When you are exhausted with that, sing the half remembered lyrics of old songs to the person closest to you, thinking of lullabies for children.)
*
My cycle stops soon after we return from our trip. I tell my husband one night, after we are spent and sprawled across our bed. He glows with delight.
– A child, he says. He lies back with his hands beneath his head. A child. He is quiet for so long that I think that he’s fallen asleep, but when I look over his eyes are open and fixed on the ceiling. He rolls on his side and gazes at me.
– Will the child have a ribbon?
I feel my jaw tighten. My mind skips between many answers, and I settle on the one that brings me the least amount of anger.
– There is no saying, now, I tell him finally.
He startles me, then, by running his hand around my throat. I put up my hands to stop him but he uses his strength, grabbing my wrists with one hand as he touches the ribbon with the other. He presses the silky length with his thumb. He touches the bow delicately, as if he is massaging my sex.
– Please, I say. Please don’t.
He does not seem to hear. Please, I say again, my voice louder, but cracking in the middle.
He could have done it then, untied the bow, if he’d chosen to. But he releases me and rolls back on his back. My wrists ache, and I rub them.
– I need a glass of water, I say. I get up and go to the bathroom. I run the tap and then frantically check my ribbon, tears caught in my lashes. The bow is still tight.
*
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