4. Góa ê pak-tó͘ lú lâi lú phòng
Ū chi̍t-ê góa kah-ì ê kò͘-sū, sī iú-koan chi̍t-tùi khì thok-hong ê ang-á-bó͘ khì hō͘ iá-lông kā sí. Chhù-piⁿ hoat-hiān in ê sí-thé liah-phòa, sòaⁿ phún-phún tī chhâ-chhù sì-chiu, m̄-koh lóng bô chhōe tio̍h in ê sè-hàn chă eⁿ-á, m̄-chai seⁿ a̍h sí. Āu-lâi, ū lâng kóng, ū khòaⁿ tio̍h chă gín-á hām lông-tīn tâng-chê teh cháu, ná chhiūⁿ iá-lông án-ne iá koh béng pha-cháu tī hong-iá.
Iú-koan yi ê siau-sit tī tong-tē thoân-khui. Yi bat tī chi̍t-ê kôaⁿ-thiⁿ tī chhiū-nâ ui-hia̍p chi̍t-ê phah-la̍h-ê -- khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê bô chhēng-saⁿ ê sè-hàn chă gín-á tùi i giàng-gê koh âu-kiò, hoān-sè i ê tio̍h-kiaⁿ khah tōa kòe siū ui-hia̍p. Chi̍t-ê siàu-liân cha-bó͘ kong-kek chi̍t-chiah bé. Ū lâng sīm-chì khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tī ke-mo͘ sì-sòaⁿ tiong-kan thiah-chia̍h chi̍t-chiah ke.
Kúi-nî liáu-āu, thiaⁿ kóng ū lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tī khe-hōaⁿ ê koaⁿ-bang tiong-kan hioh-khùn, teh kā nn̄g-chiah iù-kiáⁿ chhī-leng. Góa kah-ì án-ne siūⁿ, he sī yi seⁿ ê, lông ê hiat-thóng chit-kái thàu-lām tio̍h lâng ê. In tong-jiân ē kā kah yi ê leng lâu-hoeh, m̄-koh yi bē kòa-ì, in-ūi in sī yi ê kiáⁿ, m̄-sī pa̍t-lâng ê.
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Góa ê pak-tó͘ lú lâi lú phòng. Goán ê gín-á tī hia tōa-la̍t iû-tāng, koh that koh sak koh jiàu. Chi̍t-kái tī kong-hn̂g sàn-pō͘, its goán ang tī chi̍t-nî chêng kā góa kiû-hun hit-ê kong-hn̂g, góa ná teh chhoán, ná phiân kàu chi̍t-piⁿ, chhiú mo͘h pak-tó͘, ná ùi chhiù-khí phāng hoah Sió-kiáⁿ (góa án-ne kā chheng-ho͘) tòng-tiām. Góa kūi lo̍h, chhoán phīⁿ-phēⁿ, kiông boeh khàu chhut-lâi. Ū chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘-lâng keng-kòe, hû góa khí-lâi koh hō͘ góa lim-chúi, kā góa kóng, tē-it thai chóng-sī siōng kan-khó͘.
Góa ê sin-thé hoat-seng góa siūⁿ bē-kàu ê piàn-hòa -- góa ê leng tiùⁿ koh sio, góa ê pak-tó͘ ū chi̍t-sûn chi̍t-sûn ê pe̍h-pan, chhiūⁿ hó͘-phôe ê tian-tò-péng. Góa kám-kak ná koài-bu̍t, m̄-koh goán ang ná chhiūⁿ ū sin ê giàn, bē-su chit-ê sin ê thé-hêng ē-tàng chhòng-chō goán ê sin koài-chiau. Góa ê sin-thé chò-chhut hoán-èng: tī chhiau-kip chhī-tiûⁿ pâi-tūi, tī kàu-tn̂g niá sèng-chhan, góa chhut-hiān sin koh béng ê giàn, sió-khóa tāng tio̍h, tō tâm koh chéng. Ta̍k-kang kàu chhù ê sî, goán ang sim-lāi ū chi̍t-kōaⁿ giàn boeh ùi góa tit-tio̍h ê tāi-chì, góa mā goān-ì boán-chiok i, sīm-chì khah chē.
-- Góa sī siōng hó-ūn ê lâng, i kóng, chhiú ná so góa ê pak-tó͘.
Chá-khí, i chim góa, bong góa, ū-sî tī lim kapi phòe sio̍k-pháng chìn-chêng seng iōng góa kòe-giàn. I ta̍h chhun-thiⁿ ê kha-pō͘ khì siōng-pan. Tńg-lâi ê sî, i tit tio̍h thê-seng, āu-lâi iū chi̍t-kái. I kóng, tio̍h ūi ka-têng thàn khah chē chîⁿ. Ūi lán ê hēng-hok thàn khah chē chîⁿ.
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Góa tán boeh seⁿ 20 tiám-cheng. Góa kiông boeh khiú tn̄g goán ang ê chhiú, ai pē kiò bú, án-ne hō͘-sū ká-ná mā bô iàu bô kín. Góa khak-tēng góa ê chhùi-khí bôa kah boeh piàn hún ah. I-seng khòaⁿ góa ê kha-phāng-ē, i ê pe̍h ba̍k-bâi tī hia̍h-thâu niàu chi̍t-ê góa khòaⁿ bô ê àm-hō.
-- Tàu-té sī án-nóa ah? góa mn̄g.
-- Góa khòaⁿ che m̄-sī móa-ì ê chū-jiân seng-sán, i-seng kóng. Khó-lêng su-iàu chhiú-su̍t.
-- Oh, m̄-thang, góa kóng. Góa bô hi-bāng án-ne, pài-thok.
-- Nā koh bô tōng-chēng, goán tō ài lâi chò. i-seng kóng. Án-ne khó-lêng tùi ta̍k-lâng lóng hó. I gia̍h thâu, góa chha-put-to ē-tàng khak-tēng, i kā goán ang sái chi̍t-ê ba̍k-sek. Teh thiàⁿ hō͘ lâng khòaⁿ mi̍h-kiāⁿ kap pêng-siông bô kāng.
Góa tī sim-lāi kap Sió-kiáⁿ chò chi̍t-ê kau-ōaⁿ. Sió-kiáⁿ ah, góa án-ne siūⁿ, che sī lí kap góa sio-liâm ê chòe-āu chi̍t-kái. Chhiaⁿ m̄-thang hō͘ in kā lí ùi góa chia koah lo̍h-lâi.
20 hun-cheng liáu-āu, Sió-kiáⁿ chhut-sì ah. In iáu sī su-iàu koah-khui, m̄-koh m̄-sī góa só͘ kiaⁿ ê án-ne koah góa ê pak-tó͘. I-seng koah lo̍h, m̄-koh góa bô siáⁿ kám-kak, kan-ta kám-kak teh thoa, hoān-sè he sī in chò hō͘ góa ê kám-kak. Gín-á khǹg tī góa ê chhiú ê sî, góa ùi thâu kàu kha chéng-thâu-á siông-sè khòaⁿ i he jiâu-jiâu ê sin-khu, he ji̍t-lo̍h âng-hê, ū âng-sek tiâu-bûn ê phôe-hu.
Bô si-tòa. Chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ gín-á. Góa khai-sí háu, kā bōe chò kì-hō ê eⁿ-á ân-ân phō tī heng-chêng.
(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ kau hō͘ thiaⁿ-chiòng chi̍t-ki siah-phôe to, chhiáⁿ in chhiat-khui lí ê kí-cháiⁿ kap tōa-pû-ong tiong-kan ê chhiú-lia̍h-phôe. Jiân-āu, kā in soeh-siā.)
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Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ khai-sí seⁿ-kiáⁿ ê sî, yi ê chú-tī i-su chin thiám. Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê pún-sin í-chá tō sī chá-sán ê gín-á. Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ kā gín-á phō siuⁿ ân, in soah tio̍h kā chhiat-khui lâi chhú gín-á. Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ thiaⁿ tio̍h, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ thau-thau seⁿ lông ê iù-kiáⁿ ê kò͘-sū. Chiah-ê kò͘-sū án-ne cháu chò-hóe, ná chhiūⁿ hō͘-chúi tih lo̍h chúi-tî. In kok-chū ùi hûn chhut-sì, m̄-koh it-tàn in cháu chò-hóe, lán bô hoat-tō͘ koh kā hun-khui.
(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ kā thang-á-lî sak khui, kā in soeh-bêng chòe-āu chit-tiám. Ē lo̍h-hō͘, góa pó-chèng.)
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4. 我 ê 腹肚 lú 來 lú 膨
有一个我佮意 ê 故事, 是有關一對去拓荒 ê 翁仔某去予野狼咬死. 厝邊發現 in ê 死體裂破, 散翸翸 tī 柴厝四周, m̄-koh lóng 無揣著 in ê 細漢 chă 嬰仔, 毋知生 a̍h 死. 後來, 有人講, 有看著 chă 囡仔和狼陣同齊 teh 走, ná 像野狼 án-ne 野 koh 猛拋走 tī 荒野.
有關她 ê 消息 tī 當地傳開. 她 bat tī 一个寒天 tī 樹林威脅一个拍獵 ê -- 看著彼个無穿衫 ê 細漢 chă 囡仔對伊齴牙 koh âu 叫, 凡勢伊 ê 著驚較大過受威脅. 一个少年查某攻擊一隻馬. 有人甚至看著她 tī 雞毛四散中間拆食一隻雞.
幾年了後, 聽講有人看著她 tī 溪岸 ê 菅芒中間歇睏, teh kā 兩隻幼囝飼奶. 我佮意 án-ne 想, 彼是她生 ê, 狼 ê 血統這改透濫著人 ê. In 當然會咬 kah 她 ê 奶流血, m̄-koh 她袂掛意, in-ūi in 是她 ê 囝, 毋是別人 ê.
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我 ê 腹肚 lú 來 lú 膨. 阮 ê 囡仔 tī hia 大力游動, koh 踢 koh 捒 koh jiàu. 一改 tī 公園散步, its 阮翁 tī 一年前 kā 我求婚彼个公園, 我 ná teh 喘, ná 蹁到一邊, 手 mo͘h 腹肚, ná ùi 喙齒縫喝小囝 (我 án-ne kā 稱呼) 擋恬. 我跪落, 喘 phīⁿ-phēⁿ, 強欲哭出來. 有一个查某人經過, 扶我起來 koh 予我啉水, kā 我講, 第一胎總是上艱苦.
我 ê 身體發生我想袂到 ê 變化 -- 我 ê 奶脹 koh 燒, 我 ê 腹肚有一巡一巡 ê 白斑, 像虎皮 ê 顛倒 péng. 我感覺 ná 怪物, m̄-koh 阮翁 ná 像有新 ê 癮, 袂輸這个新 ê 體型會當創造阮 ê 新怪招. 我 ê 身體做出反應: tī 超級市場排隊, tī 教堂領聖餐, 我出現新 koh 猛 ê 癮, 小可動著, tō 澹 koh 腫. 逐工到厝 ê 時, 阮翁心內有一捾癮欲 ùi 我得著 ê 代誌, 我 mā 願意滿足伊, 甚至較濟.
-- 我是上好運 ê 人, 伊講, 手 ná 挲我 ê 腹肚.
早起, 伊唚我, 摸我, 有時 tī 啉 kapi 配俗 pháng 進前先用我過癮. 伊踏春天 ê 跤步去上班. 轉來 ê 時, 伊得著提升, 後來又一改. 伊講, 著為家庭趁較濟錢. 為咱 ê 幸福趁較濟錢.
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我等欲生 20 點鐘. 我強欲搝斷阮翁 ê 手, 哀爸叫母, án-ne 護士 ká-ná mā 無要無緊. 我確定我 ê 喙齒磨 kah 欲變粉 ah. 醫生看我 ê 跤縫下, 伊 ê 白目眉 tī 額頭 niàu 一个我看無 ê 暗號.
-- 到底是 án-nóa ah? 我問.
-- 我看這毋是滿意 ê 自然生產, 醫生講. 可能需要手術.
-- Oh, 毋通, 我講. 我無希望 án-ne, 拜託.
-- 若 koh 無動靜, 阮 tō 愛來做. 醫生講. Án-ne 可能對逐人 lóng 好. 伊攑頭, 我差不多會當確定, 伊 kā 阮翁使一个目色. Teh 疼予人看物件 kap 平常無仝.
我 tī 心內 kap 小囝做一个交換. 小囝 ah, 我 án-ne 想, 這是你 kap 我相黏 ê 最後一改. 請毋通予 in kā 你 ùi 我 chia 割落來.
20 分鐘了後, 小囝出世 ah. In 猶是需要割開, m̄-koh 毋是我所驚 ê án-ne 割我 ê 腹肚. 醫生割落, m̄-koh 我無啥感覺, 干焦感覺 teh 拖, 凡勢彼是 in 做予我 ê 感覺. 囡仔囥 tī 我 ê 手 ê 時, 我 ùi 頭到跤指頭仔詳細看伊 he 皺皺 ê 身軀, he 日落紅霞, 有紅色條紋 ê 皮膚.
無絲帶. 一个查埔囡仔. 我開始吼, kā 未做記號 ê 嬰仔絚絚抱 tī 胸前.
(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請交予聽眾一支削皮刀, 請 in 切開你 ê kí-cháiⁿ kap 大垺翁中間 ê chhiú-lia̍h 皮. 然後, kā in 說謝.)
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有一个故事講, 一个查某開始生囝 ê 時, 她 ê 主治醫師真忝. 有一个故事講, 一个本身以早 tō 是早產 ê 囡仔. 有一个故事講, 一个查某 kā 囡仔抱 siuⁿ 絚, in 煞著 kā 切開來取囡仔. 有一个故事講, 一个查某聽著, 一个查某偷偷生狼 ê 幼囝 ê 故事. Chiah-ê 故事 án-ne 走做伙, ná 像雨水滴落水池. In 各自 ùi 雲出世, m̄-koh 一旦 in 走做伙, 咱無法度 koh kā 分開.
(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請 kā 窗仔簾捒開, kā in 說明最後這點. 會落雨, 我保證.)
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4.
There is a story I love about a pioneer husband and wife killed by wolves. Neighbours found their bodies torn open and strewn around their tiny cabin, but never located their infant daughter, alive or dead. People claimed they saw the girl running with a wolf pack, loping over the terrain as wild and feral as any of her companions.
News of her would ripple through the local settlements. She menaced a hunter in a winter forest – though perhaps he was less menaced than startled at a tiny naked girl baring her teeth and howling. A young woman trying to take down a horse. People even saw her ripping open a chicken in an explosion of feathers.
Many years later, she was said to be seen resting in the rushes along a riverbank, suckling two wolf cubs. I like to imagine that they came from her body, the lineage of wolves tainted human just the once. They certainly bloodied her breasts, but she did not mind because they were hers and only hers.
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My stomach swells. Inside of me, our child is swimming fiercely, kicking and pushing and clawing. On a walk in the park, the same park where my husband had proposed to me the year before, I gasp and stagger to the side, clutching my belly and hissing through my teeth to Little One, as I call it, to stop. I go to my knees, breathing heavily and near weeping. A woman passing by helps me to sit up and gives me some water, telling me that the first pregnancy is always the worst.
My body changes in ways I do not expect – my breasts are large, swollen and hot, my stomach lined with pale marks, the inverse of a tiger’s. I feel monstrous, but my husband seems renewed with desire, as if my novel shape has refreshed our list of perversities. And my body responds: in the line at the supermarket, receiving communion in church, I am marked by a new and ferocious want, leaving me slippery and swollen at the slightest provocation. When he comes home each day, my husband has a list in his mind of things he desires from me, and I am willing to provide them and more.
– I am the luckiest man alive, he says, running his hands across my stomach.
In the mornings, he kisses me and fondles me and sometimes takes me before his coffee and toast. He goes to work with a spring in his step. He comes home with one promotion, and then another. More money for my family, he says. More money for our happiness.
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I am in labour for twenty hours. I nearly wrench off my husband’s hand, howling obscenities that do not seem to shock the nurse. I am certain I will crush my own teeth to powder. The doctor peers down between my legs, his white eyebrows making unreadable Morse code across his forehead.
– What’s happening? I ask.
– I’m not satisfied this will be a natural birth, the doctor says. Surgery may be necessary.
– No, please, I say. I don’t want that, please.
– If there’s no movement soon, we’re going to do it, the doctor says. It might be best for everyone. He looks up and I am almost certain he winks at my husband, but pain makes the mind see things differently than they are.
I make a deal with Little One, in my mind. Little One, I think, this is the last time that we are going to be just you and me. Please don’t make them cut you out of me.
Little One is born twenty minutes later. They do have to make a cut, but not across my stomach as I had feared. The doctor cuts down, and I feel little, just tugging, though perhaps it is what they have given me. When the baby is placed in my arms, I examine the wrinkled body from head to toe, the colour of a sunset sky, and streaked in red.
No ribbon. A boy. I begin to weep, and curl the unmarked baby into my chest.
(If you are reading this story out loud, give a paring knife to the listener and ask them to cut the tender flap of skin between your index finger and thumb. Afterwards, thank them.)
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There is a story about a woman who goes into labour when the attending physician is tired. There is a story about a woman who herself was born too early. There is a story about a woman whose body clung to her child so hard they cut her to retrieve him. There is a story about a woman who heard a story about a woman who birthed wolf cubs in secret. Stories have this way of running together like raindrops in a pond. They are each borne from the clouds separately, but once they have come together, there is no way to tell them apart.
(If you are reading this story out loud, move aside the curtain to illustrate this final point to your listeners. It’ll be raining, I promise.)
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