5. Goán kiáⁿ sī chi̍t-ê koai pó-pòe
In kā eⁿ-á phō cháu, hó-thang hoa̍t-lo̍h góa ê khang-chhùi. In kō͘ bīn-khak khin-khin am góa ê chhùi kap phīⁿ, hō͘ góa khí ài-khùn. Goán ang ná khan góa ê chhiú, ná hām i-seng kóng sńg-chhiò.
-- Ke thīⁿ chi̍t-chiam tio̍h gōa chē chîⁿ? i mn̄g. Lí ū chit-ê ho̍k-bū, kám bô?
-- Pài-thok, góa kā kóng. M̄-koh góa ê ōe-siaⁿ hâm-hô͘ bē chheng, khó-lêng kan-ta sī chi̍t-ê hiⁿ siaⁿ. Nn̄g-lâng lóng bô oa̍t-thâu ǹg góa.
I-seng ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò. Lí m̄-sī tē-it ê...
Góa liu lo̍h chi̍t-ê tn̂g-tn̂g ê pōng-khang, āu-lâi koh phû chhut-lâi, m̄-koh khàm chi̍t-iân tāng koh àm ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, ná chhiūⁿ sī iû. Góa kám-kak siūⁿ boeh thò͘.
-- iâu-giân sī án-ne...
-- ná chhiūⁿ sī pēⁿ...
Hit-sî, góa chhéⁿ lâi, chin chheng-chhéⁿ, goán ang bô tī hia, i-seng mā bô tī hia. Eⁿ-á, tī toh...
Hō͘-sū chhun thâu ji̍p mn̂g.
-- Lín sian-siⁿ khì lim chi̍t-poe kapi, eⁿ-á tī iô-nâ nih khùn.
I-seng tòe yi āu-bīn ji̍p-lâi, kō͘ pò͘ teh chhit chhiú.
-- Lóng thīⁿ hó ah, bián chhau-sim, i kóng. Thīⁿ kah hó koh ân, ta̍k-ê lóng hoaⁿ-hí. Hō͘-sū ē hām lí thó-lūn ho̍k-goân ê tāi-chì. Lí su-iàu hó-hó hioh-khùn chi̍t-ē.
Eⁿ-á chhéⁿ lâi. Hō͘-sū ùi phōe-kin kā phō lâi khǹg tī góa ê heng-chêng. I ū kàu súi ê, góa thê-chhéⁿ ka-tī tio̍h chhoán-khùi.
*
Goán kiáⁿ sī chi̍t-ê koai pó-pòe. I tōa chin kín. Goán bô koh ū gín-á, m̄-sī goán bô chhì. Góa hoâi-gî, Sió-kiáⁿ tī góa ê pak-tó͘ lāi chō sêng siuⁿ tōa ê phò-hāi, hō͘ góa ê sin-khu bē kham koh té pa̍t-ê gín-á.
-- Sió-kiáⁿ, lí sī chi̍t-ê bái pâng-kheh, góa kā i kóng, ná kō͘ sé-hoat-chúi jiû i he iù-iù ê chang-sek thâu-mo͘, góa boeh chhú-siau lí ê ah-kim.
I tī chúi-chô phah chúi-hoe, hoaⁿ-hí kah ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò.
Goán kiáⁿ bong góa ê si-tòa, m̄-koh he bē hō͘ góa khí-kiaⁿ. I kā he tòng-chò góa ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn, i tùi-thāi he kap tùi-thāi hīⁿ-á a̍h chéng-thâu-á bô siáⁿ chha-pia̍t.
Hā-pan tńg-lâi, goán ang tī mn̂g-tiâⁿ hām goán kiáⁿ sńg, sńg cháu kap jiok. I iáu siuⁿ sè-hàn, bē-hiáu sîn kiû, m̄-koh goán ang tī chháu-tē téng nāi-sim kā kiû liàn hō͘ i, goán kiáⁿ tō khì khioh kiû, koh kā pàng lo̍h, goán ang pí chhiú-sè hō͘ góa, hoah: khòaⁿ, khòaⁿ! Lí ū khòaⁿ e bô? Chin kín i tō boeh ē-hiáu tìm kiû ah.
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Tī góa só͘ chai ê iú-koan lāu-bú ê kò͘-sū tiong-kan, chit-ê siōng chin. Chi̍t-ê Bí-kok súi ko͘-niû hām lāu-bú hóng-būn Paris ê sî, yin lāu-bú kám-kak sin-thé bô hó-sè. Yin koat-tēng tī lí-koán tòa--kúi-kang, hō͘ lāu-bú thang hioh-khùn, chă-kiáⁿ chhiáⁿ i-seng lâi kā lāu-bú khòaⁿ-pēⁿ.
Kán-té kiám-cha liáu, i-seng kā chă-kiáⁿ kóng, yin lāu-bú chí su-iàu ho̍k kóa io̍h-á. I chhōa chă-kiáⁿ khì chē taksi, kō͘ Franse-gí kau-tài ūn-choán-chhiú, koh kā chă-kiáⁿ kái-soeh kóng, kàu in tau, in bó͘ ē ūi yi chún-pī sek-tòng ê io̍h-á. Taksi sái lâi sái khì sái chiâⁿ kú, ko͘-niû kàu-ūi ê sî, yi kiông boeh lia̍h-kông, in-ūi i-seng niû ê tōng-chok bān kah hō͘ lâng jím bē-tiâu, yi khoaⁿ-khoaⁿ-á kā io̍h-hún kap chò io̍h-oân. Yi tńg kàu taksi ê sî, ūn-choán-chhiú iū koh tī ke-lō͘ se̍h lâi se̍h khì, ū-sî iū tī kāng chi̍t-tiâu tōa-ke kiâⁿ hoan-thâu. Ko͘-niû lo̍h taksi, kiâⁿ-lō͘ tńg lí-koán. Tán yi chòe-āu lâi kàu lí-koán, lí-koán ê chit-oân kā kóng, i m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe yi. Yi cháu tńg yin lāu-bú hioh-khùn ê pâng-keng ê sî, yi hoat-hiān pâng-keng piah ê sek-chhái bô kāng, chong-hông mā kap yi só͘ kì-tit ê bô kāng, yin lāu-bú mā bô khòaⁿ e iáⁿ.
Chit-ê kò͘-sū ū chin chē bô kāng ê kiat-bóe. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê sī, ko͘-niû chin chiàⁿ-bīn, yi kian-chhî koh khak-tēng, tī hū-kīn cho͘ chi̍t-ê pâng-keng, kàm-sī hit-keng hotel, chiong-kî-bóe kau-ín chi̍t-ê sé-saⁿ-keng ê siàu-liân-ke, hoat-hiān chin-siòng: yin lāu-bú sí tī chi̍t-chióng tì-miā ê thoân-jiám-pēⁿ, tī i-seng sàng chă-kiáⁿ chhut hotel bô kú tō lī-khui sè-kan. Ūi tio̍h mài chō sêng choân-siâⁿ-te̍k ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, lí-koán ê lâng kā lāu-bú siu-bâi, kā pâng-keng chhat kòe koh chong-hông kòe, koh o͘-se só͘-ū chai-chêng ê lâng tio̍h m̄-jīn in bat kìⁿ kòe chit nn̄g-lâng.
Chit-ê kò͘-sū ê lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê pán-pún sī, ko͘-niû tī Paris ke-lō͘ liû-lōng kúi-ā nî, siong-sìn ka-tī í-keng khí-siáu, sī ka-tī ê siáu-sîn-keng pian-chō chhut yi ū chi̍t-ê lāu-bú kap yi hām lāu-bú ê seng-oa̍h chióng-chióng. Chă-kiáⁿ chông kòe chi̍t-keng chi̍t-keng ê hotel, bê-bông koh pi-siong, sui-bóng yi mā m̄-chai tàu-té sī ūi tio̍h siáng.
Góa bô su-iàu kā lí kóng chit-ê kò͘-sū ê ì-gī. Góa siūⁿ lí í-keng chai he sī siáⁿ-mi̍h ah.
*
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5. 阮囝是一个乖寶貝
In kā 嬰仔抱走, 好通發落我 ê 空喙. In kō͘ 面殼輕輕掩我 ê 喙 kap 鼻, 予我起愛睏. 阮翁 ná 牽我 ê 手, ná 和醫生講耍笑.
-- 加紩一針著偌濟錢? 伊問. 你有這个服務, 敢無?
-- 拜託, 我 kā 講. M̄-koh 我 ê 話聲含糊袂清, 可能干焦是一个 hiⁿ 聲. 兩人 lóng 無越頭 ǹg 我.
醫生 ko̍k-ko̍k 笑. 你毋是第一个...
我溜落一个長長 ê 磅空, 後來 koh 浮出來, m̄-koh 崁一沿重 koh 暗 ê 物件, ná 像是油. 我感覺想欲吐.
-- 謠言是 án-ne...
-- ná 像是病...
彼時, 我醒來, 真清醒, 阮翁無 tī hia, 醫生 mā 無 tī hia. 嬰仔, tī 佗...
護士伸頭入門.
-- 恁先生去啉一杯 kapi, 嬰仔 tī 搖籃 nih 睏.
醫生綴她後面入來, kō͘ 布 teh 拭手.
-- Lóng 紩好 ah, 免操心, 伊講. 紩 kah 好 koh 絚, 逐个 lóng 歡喜. 護士會和你討論復原 ê 代誌. 你需要好好歇睏一下.
嬰仔醒來. 護士 ùi 被巾 kā 抱來囥 tī 我 ê 胸前. 伊有夠媠 ê, 我提醒 ka-tī 著喘氣.
*
阮囝是一个乖寶貝. 伊大真緊. 阮無 koh 有囡仔, 毋是阮無試. 我懷疑, 小囝 tī 我 ê 腹肚內造成 siuⁿ 大 ê 破害, 予我 ê 身軀袂堪 koh 貯別个囡仔.
-- 小囝, 你是一个䆀房客, 我 kā 伊講, ná kō͘ 洗髮水揉伊彼幼幼 ê 棕色頭毛, 我欲取消你 ê 押金.
伊 tī 水槽拍水花, 歡喜 kah ko̍k-ko̍k 笑.
阮囝摸我 ê 絲帶, m̄-koh 彼袂予我起驚. 伊 kā 彼當做我 ê 一部份, 伊對待彼 kap 對待耳仔 a̍h 指頭仔無啥差別.
下班轉來, 阮翁 tī 門埕和阮囝耍, 耍走 kap 逐. 伊猶 siuⁿ 細漢, 袂曉 sîn 球, m̄-koh 阮翁 tī 草地頂耐心 kā 球輾予伊, 阮囝 tō 去抾球, koh kā 放落, 阮翁比手勢予我, 喝: 看, 看! 你有看 e 無? 真緊伊 tō 欲會曉 tìm 球 ah.
*
Tī 我所知 ê 有關老母 ê 故事中間, 這个上真. 一个美國媠姑娘和老母訪問 Paris ê 時, 姻老母感覺身體無好勢. 姻決定 tī 旅館蹛幾工, 予老母通歇睏, chă 囝請醫生來 kā 老母看病.
簡短檢查了, 醫生 kā chă 囝講, 姻老母只需要服寡藥仔. 伊 chhōa chă 囝去坐 taksi, kō͘ Franse 語交代運轉手, koh kā chă 囝解說講, 到 in 兜, in 某會為她準備適當 ê 藥仔. Taksi 駛來駛去駛誠久, 姑娘到位 ê 時, 她強欲掠狂, 因為醫生娘 ê 動作慢 kah 予人忍袂牢, 她寬寬仔 kā 藥粉敆做藥丸. 她轉到 taksi ê 時, 運轉手又 koh tī 街路踅來踅去, 有時又 tī 仝一條大街行翻頭. 姑娘落 taksi, 行路轉旅館. 等她最後來到旅館, 旅館 ê 職員 kā 講, 伊 m̄-bat 看過她. 她走轉姻老母歇睏 ê 房間 ê 時, 她發現房間壁 ê 色彩無仝, 裝潢 mā kap 她所記得 ê 無仝, 姻老母 mā 無看 e 影.
這个故事有真濟無仝 ê 結尾. 其中一个是, 姑娘真正面, 她堅持 koh 確定, tī 附近租一个房間, 監視彼間 hotel, 終其尾勾引一个洗衫間 ê 少年家, 發現真相: 姻老母死 tī 一種致命 ê 傳染病, tī 醫生送 chă 囝出 hotel 無久 tō 離開世間. 為著莫造成全城 te̍k ê 驚惶, 旅館 ê 人 kā 老母收埋, kā 房間漆過 koh 裝潢過, koh 烏西所有知情 ê 人著毋認 in bat 見過這兩人.
這个故事 ê 另外一个版本是, 姑娘 tī Paris 街路流浪幾若年, 相信 ka-tī 已經起痟, 是 ka-tī ê 痟神經編造出她有一个老母 kap 她和老母 ê 生活種種. Chă 囝傱過一間一間 ê hotel, 迷茫 koh 悲傷, 雖罔她 mā 毋知到底是為著 siáng.
我無需要 kā 你講這个故事 ê 意義. 我想你已經知彼是啥物 ah.
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5.
They take the baby so that they may fix me where they cut. They give me something that makes me sleepy, delivered through a mask pressed gently to my mouth and nose. My husband jokes around with the doctor as he holds my hand.
– How much to get that extra stitch? he asks. You offer that, right?
– Please, I say to him. But it comes out slurred and twisted and possibly no more than a small moan. Neither man turns his head toward me.
The doctor chuckles. You aren’t the first –
I slide down a long tunnel, and then surface again, but covered in something heavy and dark, like oil. I feel like I am going to vomit.
– the rumor is something like –
– like a vir–
And then I am awake, wide awake, and my husband is gone and the doctor is gone. And the baby, where is –
The nurse sticks her head in the door.
– Your husband just went to get a coffee, she says, and the baby is asleep in the bassinet.
The doctor walks in behind her, wiping his hands on a cloth.
– You’re all sewn up, don’t you worry, he said. Nice and tight, everyone’s happy. The nurse will speak with you about recovery. You’re going to need to rest for a while.
The baby wakes up. The nurse scoops him from his swaddle and places him in my arms again. He is so beautiful I have to remind myself to breathe.
*
My son is a good baby. He grows and grows. We never have another child, though not for lack of trying. I suspect that Little One did so much ruinous damage inside of me that my body couldn’t house another.
– You were a poor tenant, Little One, I say to him, rubbing shampoo into his fine brown hair, and I shall revoke your deposit.
He splashes around in the sink, cackling with happiness.
My son touches my ribbon, but never in a way that makes me afraid. He thinks of it as a part of me, and he treats it no differently than he would an ear or finger.
Back from work, my husband plays games in the yard with our son, games of chase and run. He is too young to catch a ball, still, but my husband patiently rolls it to him in the grass, and our son picks it up and drops it again, and my husband gestures to me and cries Look, look! Did you see? He is going to throw it soon enough.
*
Of all the stories I know about mothers, this one is the most real. A young American girl is visiting Paris with her mother when the woman begins to feel ill. They decide to check into a hotel for a few days so the mother can rest, and the daughter calls for a doctor to assess her.
After a brief examination, the doctor tells the daughter that all her mother needs is some medicine. He takes the daughter to a taxi, gives the driver directions in French, and explains to the girl that, at his home, his wife will give her the appropriate remedy. They drive and drive for a very long time, and when the girl arrives, she is frustrated by the unbearable slowness of this doctor’s wife, who meticulously assembles the pills from powder. When she gets back into the taxi, the driver meanders down the streets, sometimes doubling back on the same avenue. The girl gets out of the taxi to return to the hotel on foot. When she finally arrives, the hotel clerk tells her that he has never seen her before. When she runs up to the room where her mother had been resting, she finds the walls a different colour, the furnishings different than her memory, and her mother nowhere in sight.
There are many endings to the story. In one of them, the girl is gloriously persistent and certain, renting a room nearby and staking out the hotel, eventually seducing a young man who works in the laundry and discovering the truth: that her mother had died of a contagious and fatal disease, departing this plane shortly after the daughter was sent from the hotel by the doctor. To avoid a citywide panic, the staff removed and buried her body, repainted and furnished the room, and bribed all involved to deny that they had ever met the pair.
In another version of this story, the girl wanders the streets of Paris for years, believing that she is mad, that she invented her mother and her life with her mother in her own diseased mind. The daughter stumbles from hotel to hotel, confused and grieving, though for whom she cannot say.
I don’t need to tell you the moral of this story. I think you already know what it is.
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