6. Góa pò-miâ chham-ka châi-gē pan
Goán kiáⁿ 5 hòe ji̍p-o̍h, góa ē-kì-tit in lāu-su, hit-kang tī thêng-chhia-tiûⁿ, yi khû lo̍h-lâi pang-bâng góa.Yi mā ē-kì-tit góa. Góa kā yi kóng, goán kiáⁿ liáu-āu, goán bô kî-thaⁿ ê gín-á, iá taⁿ i í-keng khai-sí ji̍p-o̍h, góa ê ji̍t-chí tō piàn-chò lán-si koh bô-liâu. Yi chin chhin-chhiat. Yi kă kóng, góa nā boeh chhōe seng-oa̍h ê gī-niū, chāi-tē ê ha̍k-īⁿ ū chi̍t-ê chin hó ê lú-chú châi-gē pan.
Hit-àm, tī goán kiáⁿ chiūⁿ-chhn̂g liáu-āu, goán ang kā chhiú chhun-kòe phòng-í, liu kàu góa ê tōa-thúi.
-- Kòe lâi góa chia, i kóng, góa tō thiòng kah gì-gì chun. Góa ùi phòng-í liu lo̍h-lâi, kā kûn póe pêⁿ-pêⁿ súi-súi, kō͘ kha-thâu-u kiâⁿ kàu i hia. Góa chim i ê kha-thúi, chhiú chhun kàu i ê phôe-tòa, kā i tháu-pàng, jiân-āu kui-ki kā kâm lo̍h. I ê chhiú loa̍h góa ê thâu-mo͘, ná phok góa ê thâu-khak, ná haiⁿ siaⁿ ná kēng óa góa. Góa bô ì-sek tio̍h i ê chhiú liu kàu góa ê ām-kún āu-niā, it-ti̍t kàu i ê chéng-thâu-á boeh kau ji̍p góa ê si-tòa. Góa suh chi̍t-ē tōa khùi, kín-kín thiu cháu, ná tò-siàng-hiàⁿ ná hiong-kông kiám-cha góa ê ia̍h-á kat. I iáu sī chē tī hia, kô͘ móa góa ê chhùi-nōa.
-- Tńg-lâi chia, i kóng.
-- M̄, góa kóng.
I khiā khí-lâi, kiu-ji̍p khò͘ nih, kā thoah-liān giú hó.
-- Chi̍t-ê hū-jîn-lâng, i kóng, bē sái tùi yin ang ū pì-bi̍t.
-- Góa bô siáⁿ pì-bi̍t, góa kā kóng.
-- Si-tòa.
-- Si-tòa m̄-sī pì-bi̍t, he sī góa ê.
-- Lí kám seⁿ lâi tō ū he? Sī án-nóa sī lí ê nâ-âu? Sī án-nóa sī le̍k-sek ê?
Góa bô ìn.
I tiām-tiām chin kú. Jiân-āu,
-- Chò lâng ê bó͘ bē-sái ū pì-bi̍t.
Góa ê phīⁿ khí sio. Góa jím m̄ khàu.
-- Góa í-keng hō͘ lí só͘ boeh ài ê it-chhè, góa kóng. Góa kám bē-sái pó-liû chit-hāng mi̍h?
-- Góa siūⁿ boeh chai.
-- Lí siūⁿ kóng lí siūⁿ boeh chai, góa kóng, m̄-koh lí m̄-sī.
-- Lí ná boeh kā góa am-khàm he?
-- Góa bô am-khàm. Che m̄-sī lí ê.
I chē lo̍h-lâi chin óa góa, he bourbon chiú hiàn hō͘ góa tò thè. Góa thiaⁿ tio̍h khiak chi̍t-siaⁿ, goán tâng-chê gia̍h-thâu, khòaⁿ tio̍h goán kiáⁿ ê kha siau-sit tī lâu-thui thâu.
Hit-àm goán ang khì khùn ê sî, i hóe to̍h koh siū-khì, it-ti̍t kàu i khai-sí bîn-bāng chiah siau khì. Góa kám-kak tio̍h i ê tháu-pàng, kàu hit-sî góa chiah ū hoat-tō͘ khùn.
Keh tńg kang, goán kiáⁿ bong góa ê nâ-âu, mn̄g khí góa ê si-tòa. I siūⁿ boeh kā giú. Goân-pún i siūⁿ-kóng án-ne góa ē thiàⁿ, góa chiah ē kìm-chí i. Kìⁿ nā i chhun-chhiú boeh bong, góa tō iô chi̍t-ê ū chē-chē gîn-kak-á ê thih-koán-á. He sán-seng khi̍h-khia̍k kiò ê koài siaⁿ, i tō kiu chhiú, koh khàu. Goán tiong-kan sit-khì bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ, góa bô koh chhōe tio̍h he.
(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ chún-pī chi̍t-ê té móa gîn-kak-á ê khì-chúi koàn-á. Kóng kàu chia ê sî, kā he hiòng siōng óa-kīn lí ê lâng iô-tāng. Chhiaⁿ koan-chhat in khióng-pò͘ koh hoán-pōe ê piáu-chêng. Chù-ì tī koh lâi ê ji̍t-chí, in bē koh kō͘ kāng-khoán ê hong-sek khòaⁿ lí.)
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Góa pò-miâ chham-ka lú-chú châi-gē pan. Goán ang khì siōng-pan, goán kiáⁿ khì ha̍k-hāu liáu, góa tō sái-chhia kàu sì-kè chheⁿ-chháu ê hāu-hn̂g, kàu châi-gē pan siōng-khò ê hit-tòng é koh khoah ê phú-sek kiàn-bu̍t.
Ūi tio̍h chun-tiōng lé-gî, goân-chek siōng goán bē khòaⁿ lâm-sèng ê lō͘-thé, m̄-koh chit-ê pan ū i ka-tī ê lêng-liōng -- ū chē-chē kî-koài lú-sèng lō͘-thé ê hêng-thài, tī lí tńg-se̍h thòaⁿ-pit a̍h kiáu gân-liāu ê sî, ū chē-chē thang hō͘ lí su-khó. Góa khòaⁿ put-chí chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ tī yi ê chē-ūi chêng-āu piàn-tōng lâi têng hun-phòe yi ê hoeh-lō͘.
Te̍k-pia̍t ū chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘, chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái tńg-lâi. Yi ê si-tòa sī âng ê, kat tī yi ê kha-ba̍k. Yi ê phôe-hu sī chhó-kan-á sek, chi̍t-chhok o͘-sek ê mo͘ ùi yi ê tō͘-châi iân kàu yi ê im-pō͘. Góa chai, góa bô eng-kai kah-ì yi, m̄-sī in-ūi yi sī cha-bó͘ ê, mā m̄-sī in-ūi yi sī chheⁿ-hūn lâng, sū-si̍t sī in-ūi thǹg-saⁿ sī yi ê khang-khòe, góa kám-kak kiàn-siàu lī-iōng chit-lō to͘-ha̍p. M̄-koh, góa ê iân-pit ná biô yi ê gōa-hêng, góa ê chhiú mā tī góa sim-tiong ê su-bi̍t khang-phāng teh biô. Góa sīm-chì m̄-chai, sī án-nóa chit-lō tāi-chì ē hoat-seng, m̄-koh chiah-ê khó-lêng-sèng jiá kah góa kiông boeh khí-siáu.
Chi̍t-kang ē-tàu hā-khò liáu, góa kiâⁿ kòe cháu-lông ê oat-kak, tú tio̍h yi tī hia, hit-ê cha-bó͘. Ū chhēng saⁿ, moa chi̍t-niá hō͘-i. Yi ê ba̍k-kng hō͘ góa tio̍h-bê, kīn kah góa ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ang-á-jîn sì-chiu-ûi ê kim-sòaⁿ, bē-su yi ê ba̍k-chiu sī nn̄g-lia̍p ji̍t-si̍t. Yi kā góa phah chio-ho͘, góa mā kā ìn.
Goán tâng-chê khì hū-kīn chi̍t-keng chhan-thiaⁿ, chē tī khah-chō, ū-sî goán ê kha-thâu-u koh ē tī toh-á-ē sio-kho̍k tio̍h. Yi lim o͘ kapi. Góa mn̄g yi kám ū gín-á. Yi ū, yi kóng, ū chi̍t-ê chă gín-á, sī chi̍t-ê 11 hòe ê súi ko͘-niû-á.
-- 11 hòe sī chi̍t-ê khó-phà ê nî-lêng, yi kóng. Góa bē-kì-tit 11 hòe chìn-chêng ê tāi-chì ah, koh-lâi-ê tō ē-kì-tit ah, chhái-sek koh chiâⁿ khióng-pò͘. Kî-miāu ê sò͘-jī, yi kóng, mā sī kî-miāu ê piáu-hiān. Jiân-āu, yi ê bīn oa̍t ǹg pa̍t-ê hong-hiòng chi̍t-khùn, bē-su yi sī chìm tī o͘-chúi ē-bīn.
Goán bô thó-lūn chhiâⁿ chă-kiáⁿ ê kū-thé khióng-pò͘. Láu-si̍t-kóng, góa m̄-káⁿ mn̄g. Góa mā bô mn̄g yi sī-m̄-sī ū hun-in, yi mā bô chú-tōng thê-kiong chit-ê sìn-sit, sui-bóng yi pēng bô kòa chhiú-chí. Góa kóng tio̍h goán kiáⁿ, kóng châi-gē pan. Góa chiok siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ, sī siáⁿ-mih su-iàu hō͘ yi tī goán bīn-chêng thǹg-saⁿ, m̄-koh siōng-hó góa sī mài mn̄g, in-ūi tap-àn tō ná chhiūⁿ chheng-chhun-kî hiah kiaⁿ-lâng, hō͘ lâng bē bē-kì-tit.
Góa khì hō͘ saⁿh tio̍h ah, góa m̄-chai án-nóa hêng-iông. Yi chū-chū chāi-chāi, m̄-koh kap góa kòe-khì ê chū-chāi bô kāng -- sī góa taⁿ ê chū-chāi. Yi ná chhiūⁿ sī mī-chhè (dough), tī jiû-nóa ê chhiú ē-bīn, i ê sūn-sèng am-khàm tio̍h i ê kian-jūn, i ê chiâm-lêng. Góa ê ba̍k-chiu sóa khui, koh oa̍t tńg-lâi khòaⁿ yi ê sî, yi ká-ná í-keng koh tōa chi̍t-pōe.
Hoān-sè lán í-āu ē-sái koh khai-káng, góa kā yi kóng. Che sī chi̍t-ê chiâⁿ jû-khoài ê ē-po͘.
Yi ǹg góa tìm thâu. Góa hù yi ê kapi chîⁿ.
Góa bô-ài kā goán ang kóng khí yi, m̄-koh i kám-kak ē chhut ū bōe sek-hòng ê io̍k-bōng. Chi̍t-àm, i mn̄g góa thé-lāi sī siáⁿ teh tîⁿ, góa tō kā thán-pe̍h. Góa sīm-chì kóng-khí yi ê si-tòa ê sè-chiat, sek-hòng chhut bē-chió ê kiàn-siàu-sim.
I tùi chit-ê hoat-tián chiâⁿ hoaⁿ-hí, i khai-sí i-i ū-ū, it-ti̍t nauh i ê hoàn-sióng, ná thǹg-khò͘, ná tōng ji̍p góa. Góa kám-kak góa ká-ná ū kā yi chhut-bē, choăn góa m̄-bat koh tńg-khì siōng-khò.
(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ kiông-pek chi̍t-ê thiaⁿ-chiòng kóng-chhut chi̍t-ê pì-bi̍t, jiân-āu phah-khui siōng-kīn ê thang-á, chīn-liōng tōa-siaⁿ kā pì-bi̍t kóng chhut-lâi.)
*
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6. 我報名參加女子才藝班
阮囝 5 歲入學, 我會記得 in 老師, 彼工 tī 停車場, 她跍落來幫忙我. 她 mā 會記得我. 我 kā 她講, 阮囝了後, 阮無其他 ê 囡仔, iá 今伊已經開始入學, 我 ê 日子 tō 變做懶屍 koh 無聊. 她真親切. 她 kă 講, 我若欲揣生活 ê 議量, 在地 ê 學院有一个真好 ê 女子才藝班.
彼暗, tī 阮囝上床了後, 阮翁 kā 手伸過膨椅, 溜到我 ê 大腿.
-- 過來我 chia, 伊講, 我 tō 暢 kah gì-gì chun. 我 ùi 膨椅溜落來, kā 裙 póe 平平媠媠, kō͘ 跤頭趺行到伊 hia. 我唚伊 ê 跤腿, 手伸到伊 ê 皮帶, kā 伊敨放, 然後規支 kā kâm 落. 伊 ê 手捋我 ê 頭毛, ná 撲我 ê 頭殼, ná 哼聲 ná kēng 倚我. 我無意識著伊 ê 手溜到我 ê 頷頸後陵, 一直到伊 ê 指頭仔欲勾入我 ê 絲帶. 我欶一下大氣, 緊緊抽走, ná 倒摔向 ná 兇狂檢查我 ê 蝶仔結. 伊猶是坐 tī hia, 糊滿我 ê 喙瀾.
-- 轉來 chia, 伊講.
-- 毋, 我講.
伊徛起來, 勼入褲 nih, kā 挩鍊搝好.
-- 一个婦人 lâng, 伊講, 袂使對姻翁有祕密.
-- 我無啥祕密, 我 kā 講.
-- 絲帶.
-- 絲帶毋是祕密, 彼是我 ê.
-- 你敢生來 tō 有彼? 是按怎是你 ê 嚨喉? 是按怎是綠色 ê?
我無應.
伊恬恬真久. 然後,
-- 做人 ê 某袂使有祕密.
我 ê 鼻起燒. 我忍毋哭.
-- 我已經予你所欲愛 ê 一切, 我講. 我敢袂使保留這項物?
-- 我想欲知.
-- 你想講你想欲知, 我講, m̄-koh 你毋是.
-- 你那欲 kā 我掩崁彼?
-- 我無掩崁. 這毋是你 ê.
伊坐落來真倚我, 彼 bourbon 酒羶予我倒退. 我聽著 khiak 一聲, 阮同齊攑頭, 看著阮囝 ê 跤消失 tī 樓梯頭.
彼暗阮翁去睏 ê 時, 伊火 to̍h koh 受氣, 一直到伊開始眠夢才消去. 我感覺著伊 ê 敨放, 到彼時我才有法度睏.
隔轉工, 阮囝摸我 ê 嚨喉, 問起我 ê 絲帶. 伊想欲 kā 搝. 原本伊想講 án-ne 我會疼, 我才會禁止伊. 見若伊伸手欲摸, 我 tō 搖一个有濟濟銀角 仔 ê 鐵罐仔. 彼產生 khi̍h-khia̍k 叫 ê 怪聲, 伊 tō 勼手, koh 哭. 阮中間失去某種物件, 我無 koh 揣著 he.
(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請準備一个貯滿銀角仔 ê 汽水罐仔. 講到 chia ê 時, kā he 向上倚近你 ê 人搖動. 請觀察 in 恐怖 koh 反背 ê 表情. 注意 tī koh 來 ê 日子, in 袂 koh kō͘ 仝款 ê 方式看你.)
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我報名參加女子才藝班. 阮翁去上班, 阮囝去學校了, 我 tō 駛車到四界青草 ê 校園, 到才藝班上課 ê 彼棟矮 koh 闊 ê 殕色建物.
為著尊重禮儀, 原則上阮袂看男性 ê 露體, m̄-koh 這个班有伊 ka-tī ê 能量 -- 有濟濟奇怪女性露體 ê 形態, tī 你轉踅炭筆 a̍h 攪顏料 ê 時, 有濟濟通予你思考. 我看不止一个查某 tī 她 ê 坐位前後變動來重分配她 ê 血路.
特別有一个查某, 一改 koh 一解轉來. 她 ê 絲帶是紅 ê, 結 tī 她 ê 跤目. 她 ê 皮膚是草橄仔色, 一撮烏色 ê 毛 ùi 她 ê 肚臍延到她 ê 陰部. 我知, 我無應該佮意她, 毋是因為她是查某 ê, mā 毋是因為她是生份人, 事實是因為褪衫是她 ê 工課, 我感覺見笑利用 chit-lō 都合. M̄-koh, 我 ê 鉛筆 ná 描她 ê 外形, 我 ê 手 mā tī 我心中 ê 私密空縫 teh 描. 我甚至毋知, 是按怎 chit-lō 代誌會發生, m̄-koh chiah-ê 可能性惹 kah 我強欲起痟.
一工下晝下課了, 我行過走廊 ê 斡角, 拄著她 tī hia, 彼个查某. 有穿衫, 幔一領雨衣. 她 ê 目光予我著迷, 近 kah 我會當看著她尪仔仁四周圍 ê 金線, 袂輸她 ê 目睭是兩粒日食. 她 kā 我拍招呼, 我 mā kā 應.
阮同齊去附近一間餐廳, 坐 tī 卡座, 有時阮 ê 跤頭趺 koh 會 tī 桌仔下相硞著. 她啉烏 kapi. 我問她敢有囡仔. 她有, 她講, 有一个 chă 囡仔, 是一个 11 歲 ê 媠姑娘仔.
-- 11 歲是一个可怕 ê 年齡, 她講. 我袂記得 11 歲進前 ê 代誌 ah, koh 來 ê tō 會記得 ah, 彩色 koh 誠恐怖. 奇妙 ê 數字, 她講, mā 是奇妙 ê 表現. 然後, 她 ê 面越 ǹg 別个方向一睏, 袂輸她是浸 tī 烏水下面.
阮無討論晟 chă 囝 ê 具體恐怖. 老實講, 我毋敢問. 我 mā 無問她是毋是有婚姻, 她 mā 無主動提供這个信息, 雖罔她並無掛手指. 我講著阮囝, 講才藝班. 我足想欲知影, 是啥物需要予她 tī 阮面前褪衫, 毋過上好我是莫問, 因為答案 tō ná 像青春期 hiah 驚人, 予人袂袂記得.
我去予 saⁿh 著 ah, 我毋知 án-nóa 形容. 她自自在在, m̄-koh kap 我過去 ê 自在無仝 -- 是我今 ê 自在. 她 ná 像是麵 chhè (dough), tī 揉撋 ê 手下面, 伊 ê 順性掩崁著伊 ê 堅韌, 伊 ê 潛能. 我 ê 目睭徙開, koh 越轉來看她 ê 時, 她 ká-ná 已經 koh 大一倍.
凡勢咱以後會使 koh 開講, 我 kā 她講. 這是一个誠愉快 ê 下晡.
她 ǹg 我 tìm 頭. 我付她 ê kapi 錢.
我無愛 kā 阮翁講起她, m̄-koh 伊感覺會出有未釋放 ê 慾望. 一暗, 伊問我體內是啥 teh 纏, 我 tō kā 坦白. 我甚至講起她 ê 絲帶 ê 細節, 釋放出袂少 ê 見笑心.
伊對這个發展誠歡喜, 伊開始 i-i ū-ū, 一直 nauh 伊 ê 幻想, ná 褪褲, ná tōng 入我. 我感覺我 ká-ná 有 kā 她出賣, choăn 我 m̄-bat koh 轉去上課.
(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請強迫一个聽眾講出一个祕密, 然後拍開上近 ê 窗仔, 盡量大聲 kā 祕密講出來.)
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6.
Our son enters school when he is five, and I remember his teacher from that day in the park, when she had crouched to help me. She remembers me as well. I tell her that we have had no more children since our son, and now that he has started school, my days will be altered toward sloth and boredom. She is kind. She tells me that if I am looking for a way to occupy my time, there is a wonderful women’s art class at a local college.
That night, after my son is in bed, my husband reaches his hand across the couch and slides it up my leg.
– Come to me, he says, and I twinge with pleasure. I slide off the couch, smoothing my skirt very prettily as I walk over to him on my knees. I kiss his leg, running my hand up to his belt, tugging him from his bonds before swallowing him whole. He runs his hands through my hair, stroking my head, groaning and pressing into me. And I don’t realize that his hand is sliding down the back of my neck until he is trying to loop his fingers through the ribbon. I gasp and pull away quickly, falling back and frantically checking my bow. He is still sitting there, slick with my spit.
– Come back here, he says.
– No, I say.
He stands up and tucks himself into his pants, zipping them up.
– A wife, he says, should have no secrets from her husband.
– I don’t have any secrets, I tell him.
– The ribbon.
– The ribbon is not a secret, it’s just mine.
– Were you born with it? Why your throat? Why is it green?
I do not answer.
He is silent for a long minute. Then,
– A wife should have no secrets.
My nose grows hot. I do not want to cry.
– I have given you everything you have ever asked for, I say. Am I not allowed this one thing?
– I want to know.
– You think you want to know, I say, but you do not.
– Why do you want to hide it from me?
– I am not hiding it. It is not yours.
He gets down very close to me, and I pull back from the smell of bourbon. I hear a creak, and we both look up to see our son’s feet vanishing up the staircase.
When my husband goes to sleep that night, he does so with a hot and burning anger that falls away only when he starts dreaming. I sense its release, and only then can I sleep, too.
The next day, our son touches my throat and asks about my ribbon. He tries to pull at it. And though it pains me, I have to make it forbidden to him. When he reaches for it, I shake a can full of pennies. It crashes discordantly, and he withdraws and weeps. Something is lost between us, and I never find it again.
(If you are reading this story out loud, prepare a soda can full of pennies. When you arrive at this moment, shake it loudly in the face of the person closest to you. Observe their expression of startled fear, and then betrayal. Notice how they never look at you in exactly the same way for the rest of your days.)
*
I enroll in the art class for women. When my husband is at work and my son is in school, I drive to the sprawling green campus and the squat grey building where the art classes are held.
Presumably, the male nudes are kept from our eyes in some deference to propriety, but the class has its own energy – there is plenty to see on a strange woman’s naked form, plenty to contemplate as you roll charcoal and mix paints. I see more than one woman shifting forwards and back in her seat to redistribute blood flow.
One woman in particular returns over and over. Her ribbon is red, and is knotted around her slender ankle. Her skin is the colour of olives, and a trail of dark hair runs from her belly button to her mons. I know that I should not want her, not because she is a woman and not because she is a stranger, but because it is her job to disrobe, and I feel shame taking advantage of such a state. But as my pencil traces her contours so does my hand in the secret recesses of my mind. I am not even certain how such a thing would happen, but the possibilities incense me to near madness.
One afternoon after class, I turn a hallway corner and she is there, the woman. Clothed, wrapped in a raincoat. Her gaze transfixes me, and this close I can see a band of gold around each of her pupils, as though her eyes are twin solar eclipses. She greets me, and I her.
We sit down together in a booth at a nearby diner, our knees occasionally bushing up against each other beneath the Formica. She drinks a cup of black coffee. I ask her if she has any children. She does, she says, a daughter, a beautiful little girl of eleven.
– Eleven is a terrifying age, she says. I remember nothing before I was eleven, but then there it was, all colour and horror. What a number, she says, what a show. Then her face slips somewhere else for a moment, as if she has dipped beneath the surface of a lake.
We do not discuss the specific fears of raising a girl-child. Truthfully, I am afraid to ask. I also do not ask her if she’s married, and she does not volunteer the information, though she does not wear a ring. We talk about my son, about the art class. I desperately want to know what state of need has sent her to disrobe before us, but perhaps I do not ask because the answer would be, like adolescence, too frightening to forget.
I am captivated by her, there is no other way to put it. There is something easy about her, but not easy the way I was – the way I am. She’s like dough, how the give of it beneath kneading hands disguises its sturdiness, its potential. When I look away from her and then look back, she seems twice as large as before.
Perhaps we can talk again sometime, I say to her. This has been a very pleasant afternoon.
She nods to me. I pay for her coffee.
I do not want to tell my husband about her, but he can sense some untapped desire. One night, he asks what roils inside of me and I confess it to him. I even describe the details of her ribbon, releasing an extra flood of shame.
He is so glad of this development he begins to mutter a long and exhaustive fantasy as he removes his pants and enters me. I feel as if I have betrayed her somehow, and I never return to the class.
(If you are reading this story out loud, force a listener to reveal a secret, then open the nearest window to the street and scream it as loudly as you are able.)
*
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