7. Góa kā kóng khah chiap-kīn sū-si̍t ê kò͘-sū
Ū chi̍t-ê góa kah-ì ê kò͘-sū, sī iú-koan chi̍t-ê lāu hū-jîn kap yin ang -- chi̍t-ê ná pài-it hiah khek-po̍k ê cha-po͘, pháiⁿ sèng-tē koh gâu pìⁿ-koài, hō͘ yi sim tám-tám. yi chí ē-tàng kō͘ chú-chia̍h ê chhiú-gē lâi boán-chiok i, i mā chia̍h kah chiâⁿ móa-ì. Chi̍t-kang, i bé chi̍t-hù pûi-pûi ê koaⁿ hō͘ yi chú, yi kō͘ io̍h-chháu kap bah-thng loeh kā kûn. M̄-koh, hit-ê chhiú-gē chú chhut-lâi ê hó khì-bī hō͘ yi ka-tī tio̍h-bê, chip nn̄g-chhùi liáu koh khè nn̄g-chhùi, chin kín kui-ê koaⁿ chia̍h liáu-liáu. Yi bô chîⁿ thang koh bé chi̍t-hù koaⁿ, yi koh kiaⁿ yin ang chai-iaⁿ koaⁿ í-keng bô ah ê hoán-èng. Só͘-í yi sô khì keh-piah ê kàu-tn̂g, tī hia chòe-kīn ū an-hioh chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘. Yi sô óa hit-ê khàm pò͘ ê sin-si, kō͘ tû-pâng ka-to chián khui sí-thé, thau koaⁿ-chōng.
Hit-àm, hit-ê hū-jîn yin ang ná kō͘ chhan-kin chhit chhùi, ná o-ló kóng, che sī i só͘ chia̍h kòe siōng hó-chia̍h ê chi̍t-tǹg. In khì khùn liáu, lāu hū-jîn thiaⁿ tio̍h chêng-mn̂g phah-khui, chi̍t-ê khin-khin ê siaⁿ sì-kè teh hiⁿ. Siáng the̍h góa ê koaⁿ? Siáng the̍h góa ê koaⁿ...?
Lāu hū-jîn thiaⁿ he siaⁿ lī khùn-pâng lú lâi lú kīn. Sssiú chi̍t-siaⁿ, mn̂g phah khui. Sí khì ê cha-bó͘ koh-chài mn̄g.
Lāu hū-jîn hian-khui yin ang ê thán-á.
-- Sī i the̍h khì! Yi án-ne sèng-lī soan-pò͘.
Jiân-āu, yi khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê sí cha-bó͘ ê bīn, ē-jīn-tit he sī yi ka-tī ê chhùi kap ba̍k-chiu. Yi koh áⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ ka-tī ê pak-tó͘, taⁿ, ē-kì-tit, yi koah ka-tī ê pak-tó͘ ê tāi-chì. He hoeh ná teh tin lo̍h chhn̂g-thiap ê sî, yin ang tī yi piⁿ-á iáu khùn kah kōⁿ-kōⁿ kiò.
Che khó-lêng m̄-sī lí só͘ se̍k-sāi ê kò͘-sū ê pán-pún. M̄-koh, góa kā lí pó-chèng, che tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī lí su-iàu chai ê kò͘-sū.
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Halowin (Kúi-á Cheh) hit-kang, goán ang chhut-kî ê hèng chhih-chhih. Goán kiáⁿ í-keng tōa kah ē-sái kiâⁿ-lō͘, chah chi̍t-ê nâ-á khì thó thn̂g-á. Góa kō͘ goán ang ê kū la̍h-chong kái chò chi̍t-niá gōa-thò hō͘ goán kiáⁿ chhēng, kā i táⁿ-pān chò chi̍t-ê sió kàu-siū a̍h sī siáⁿ kó͘-pán ha̍k-chiá. Goán ang sīm-chì hō͘ i chi̍t-ki hun-chhoe thang kā. Goán kiáⁿ chhùi-khí kā hun-chhoe ê khoán, khòaⁿ tio̍h chiok ū tōa-lâng pān.
-- Mă, goán kiáⁿ kóng, lí sī siáⁿ-mi̍h?
Góa bô táⁿ-pān, só͘-í góa kā kóng, góa sī lín Mama.
Hun-chhoe ùi i ê sió chhùi lak lo̍h thô͘-kha, i tōa siaⁿ khàu. Goán ang chông khì kā phō khí-lâi, sè-siaⁿ kā ko͘-chiâⁿ, tī i chheh-khùi tiong-kan tiu-tiu kiò i ê miâ.
Tán i chhoán-khùi hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông, góa chiah hoat-hiān góa ê m̄-tio̍h. I iáu siuⁿ sè, bô hoat-tō͘ lí-kái thó boeh sńg kó͘ ê chă gín-á ê kò͘-sū, hiah-ê chă gín-á lô kah yin lāu-bú cháu khì, ōaⁿ lâi chi̍t-ê āu-bú -- chi̍t-ê tàu po-lê ba̍k-chiu kap tàu sàu-se bóe ê cha-bó͘. M̄-koh góa bô-ì-tiong kā i kóng pa̍t-ê kò͘-sū -- chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ gín-á tī Halowin hit-kang, ta̍k-ê lóng kòa bīn-khak, i chiah hoat-hiān in lāu-bú m̄-sī i ê lāu-bú. Hiō-hóe hō͘ góa nâ-âu sio koh tīⁿ. Góa chhì boeh phō i, chim i, m̄-koh i kan-ta siūⁿ boeh chhut-khì ke-lō͘, gōa-kháu í-keng ji̍t lo̍h, o͘-iáⁿ chhiong-móa hân-léng.
Tńg chhù ê sî, i teh chhiò, ngauh chi̍t-tè thn̂g-á, ní kah chhùi piàn lí-á sek. Góa khì goán ang. Góa hi-bāng tio̍h tán tńg kàu chhù chiah chún i chia̍h tit-tio̍h ê mi̍h. I kám m̄-bat thiaⁿ kòe hiah-ê kò͘-sū? Chokolet nih ê chiam, língò nih ê to-phìⁿ? Góa kiám-cha goán kiáⁿ ê chhùi, m̄-koh bô kim-sio̍k chhah tī i ê téng-kiuⁿ (頂顎, palate). I ná chhiò ná se̍h chhù-lāi, hō͘ thn̂g-á thiòng kah má-se má-se. I mo͘h góa ê kha-thúi, í-keng bē-kì-tit chá-chêng ê tāi-chì. Jiâu-sià ê chu-bī khah tiⁿ jīm-hô mn̂g-kháu ê thn̂g-á. I peh lâi góa ê kha-thúi téng ê sî, góa ūi i chhiùⁿ-koa, it-ti̍t kàu i khùn khì.
*
Goán kiáⁿ 8 hòe, 10 hòe. Thâu-khí-seng, góa kā i kóng gín-á-kó͘ -- kó͘-chá kó͘-chá ê kò͘-sū, thòng-khó͘, sí-bông, kiông-pek ê hun-in, ná chhiūⁿ ta-hio̍h án-ne chi̍t-hio̍h chi̍t-hio̍h lut. Bí-jîn-hî seⁿ kha, kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ sī chhiò-khoe. Gia̍t-thiok ti-á cháu lī tōa iàn-hōe, kái-kò chū-sin, bô hông chia̍h khì. Siâ-ok ê ang-î lī-khui siâⁿ-pó, poaⁿ khì tòa sió chhâ-chhù, tī hia khò ōe lîm-tē tōng-bu̍t ê ōe-siōng kòe-ji̍t.
M̄-koh, i teh tōa-hàn, i khai-sí mn̄g būn-tê. In hiah iau, hiah siâ-ok, in ná m̄ chia̍h hit-chiah ti-á? Ang-î chò kòe hiah chē pháiⁿ tāi-chì, lâng ná ē pàng i cháu? Hō͘ ka-to ka tio̍h chhiú liáu-āu, i koh khah hoán-tùi hî-kî liah chò kha ê kám-kak bē an-nóa thòng-khó͘.
-- Án-ne chin ó, i kóng, i iáu bô hoat-tō͘ hoat ‘hó’ ê im.
Góa tông-ì i ê koan-tiám. Án-ne hó. Koh lâi, góa tō kā i kóng khah chiap-kīn sū-si̍t ê kò͘-sū: gín-á tī bó͘ chi̍t-tōaⁿ thih-ki-lō͘ sit-chong, hō͘ m̄-chai óng tó-ūi ê iu-lêng hóe-chhia siaⁿ siâⁿ khì; bó͘-lâng boeh sí chêng saⁿ kang, chi̍t-chiah kàu chhut-hiān tī i ê mn̂g-kháu; Saⁿ-chiah kap-á tī làm-tē kā li pek kàu chi̍t-ê kak-lo̍h, kā lí khioh chîⁿ sǹg-miā.
Ha̍k-hāu kí-pān chi̍t-tiûⁿ "Khàu-thòa Sió-kiáⁿ" ê piáu-ián, i sī chú-kak, sī hit-ê khàu-tòa sió-kiáⁿ, iá góa chham-ka chi̍t-ê bú-chhin-hōe, ūi chiah-ê gín-á chò hì-ho̍k. Góa sī chit-tīn cha-bó͘-lâng tiong-kan ê chhōa-thâu ho̍k-chong-su, góa ūi hoa-tông thīⁿ si-á hoe-pān, ūi hái-chha̍t chò sè-niá pe̍h tn̂g-khò͘. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê lāu-bú ê chéng-thâu-á ū chhián-n̂g ê si-tòa, he chhiâng-chāi tîⁿ tio̍h sòaⁿ. Yi kàn-kiāu koh hiu-kiò. Chi̍t-kang, góa tio̍h kō͘ châi-hông chián-á khì ngiáu sio-tîⁿ ê sòaⁿ. Góa chin sió-sim. Góa kā yi ùi bó͘-tan tháu-khui ê sî, yi iô-thâu.
-- Chóng-sī chiâⁿ hùi-khì, kám m̄-sī? yi kóng.
Góa tìm thâu. Gín-á tī thang-á gōa sńg -- sak tùi-hong ùi hāu-tiâⁿ siat-pī lo̍h-lâi, that lo̍h sió-kim-eng (dandelion) ê hoe-thâu. Hì-kio̍k chìn-hêng kah chin sūn-lī. Khai-ián hit-àm, goán kiáⁿ ê to̍k-kak-hì kng koh jia̍t. Siaⁿ-tiāu kap chiat-chàu lóng tú-tú hó. M̄-bat ū-lâng ián kah hiah hó.
Goán kiáⁿ kin-nî 12 hòe. I ti̍t-tú-ti̍t mn̄g góa si-tòa ê tāi-chì. Góa kā i kóng, lán lâng lóng bô sio-kāng, ū-sî lí bē-sái mn̄g būn-tê. Góa kā kóng, tán lí tōa-hàn tō ē bêng-pe̍k. Góa kō͘ bô si-tòa ê kò͘-sū lâi hun-sòaⁿ i ê chù-ì: siūⁿ boeh chiâⁿ-chò lâng ê thiⁿ-sài, m̄-chai ka-tī í-keng sí ê kúi, piàn-chò hóe-hu ê gín-á. I ê sin-khu í-keng bô gín-á bī -- tiⁿ-leng ê bī í-keng ōaⁿ-chò chhak-phīⁿ koh hóe-sio bī, ná thâu-chang tī lô͘-á téng chir-chir chhut-siaⁿ.
Goán kiáⁿ 13 hòe, 14 hòe. Khì ha̍k-hāu ê lō͘-téng, i tán chi̍t-ê kiâⁿ-lō͘ pí pa̍t-lâng khah bān ê chhù-piⁿ cha-po͘ gín-á. I piáu-hiān chhut bî-miāu ê tông-chêng-sim, goán kiáⁿ. Bô chân-jím ê pún-sèng, chhin-chhiūⁿ ū-kóa lâng ū.
-- Sè-kài ū siuⁿ chē ok-pà, góa it-chài án-ne kā kóng.
Kin-nî i bô koh thó boeh thiaⁿ kò͘-sū.
Goán kiáⁿ 15 hòe, 16 hòe, 17 hòe. I khai-sí tui-kiû i ko-tiong ê chi̍t-ê súi chă gín-á, yi ê chhiò-iông chhàn-lān, sèng-chêng un-loán. Góa chin hoaⁿ-hí kap yi sio-kìⁿ, m̄-koh, siūⁿ-tio̍h góa ka-tī ê chheng-chhun sî, góa bē kian-chhî goán tio̍h tán kàu in tńg-lâi.
Goán kiáⁿ kă kóng i í-keng tit-tio̍h chi̍t-keng tāi-ha̍k lo̍k-chhú tha̍k kang-têng-ha̍k ê sî, góa thiòng kah bô-tè-kóng. Goán tī chhù nih chàm kha-pō͘, ná chhiùⁿ-koa ná chhiò. Tán goán ang tńg-lâi ê sî, i mā chham-ka khèng-chiok, goán sái-chhia khì chāi-tē ê chi̍t-keng hái-sán chhan-thiaⁿ. Ná chia̍h píⁿ-hî (halibut) ê sî, in lāu-pē kā kóng, goán lóng ūi lí kám-kak kiau-ngō͘. Goán kiáⁿ chhiò-chhiò, kóng i mā hi-bāng kap in lú-pêng-iú kiat-hun. Goán siang-chhiú sio-tēⁿ, kám-kak koh khah hoaⁿ-hí. Chiah koai ê hāu-seⁿ. Chiah ta̍t-tit kî-thāi ê bí-hó seng-oa̍h.
Sīm-chì siōng hēng-ūn ê cha-bó͘ mā m̄-bat tú-tio̍h chit-chióng hí-lo̍k.
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7. 我 kā 伊講較接近事實 ê 故事
有一个我佮意 ê 故事, 是有關一个老婦人 kap 姻翁 -- 一个 ná 拜一 hiah 刻薄 ê 查埔, 歹性地 koh gâu pìⁿ 怪, 予她心膽膽. 她只會當 kō͘ 煮食 ê 手藝來滿足伊, 伊 mā 食 kah 誠滿意. 一工, 伊買一付肥肥 ê 肝予她煮, 她 kō͘ 藥草 kap 肉湯 loeh kā kûn. M̄-koh, 彼个手藝煮出來 ê 好氣味予她 ka-tī 著迷, chip 兩喙了 koh 齧兩喙, 真緊規个肝食了了. 她無錢通 koh 買一付肝, 她 koh 驚姻翁知影肝已經無 ah ê 反應. 所以她趖去隔壁 ê 教堂, tī hia 最近有安歇一个查某. 她趖倚彼个崁布 ê 身屍, kō͘ 廚房鉸刀剪開死體, 偷肝臟.
彼暗, 彼个婦人姻翁 ná kō͘ 餐巾拭喙, ná o-ló 講, 這是伊所食過上好食 ê 一頓. In 去睏了, 老婦人聽著前門拍開, 一个輕輕 ê 聲四界 teh hiⁿ. Siáng 提我 ê 肝? Siáng 提我 ê 肝...?
老婦人聽 he 聲離睏房 lú 來 lú 近. Sssiú 一聲, 門拍開. 死去 ê 查某 koh 再問.
老婦人掀開姻翁 ê 毯仔.
-- 是伊提去! 她 án-ne 勝利宣布.
然後, 她看著彼个死查某 ê 面, 會認得彼是她 ka-tī ê 喙 kap 目睭. 她 koh áⁿ 頭看 ka-tī ê 腹肚, 今, 會記得, 她割 ka-tī ê 腹肚 ê 代誌. 彼血 ná teh 津落床疊 ê 時, 姻翁 tī 她邊仔猶睏 kah kōⁿ-kōⁿ 叫.
這可能毋是你所熟似 ê 故事 ê 版本. M̄-koh, 我 kā 你保證, 這定著是你需要知 ê 故事.
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Halowin (鬼仔節) 彼工, 阮翁出奇 ê 興 chhih-chhih. 阮囝已經大 kah 會使行路, 扎一个籃仔去討糖仔. 我 kō͘ 阮翁 ê 舊獵裝改做一領外套予阮囝穿, kā 伊打扮做一个小教授 a̍h 是啥古板學者. 阮翁甚至予伊一支薰吹通咬. 阮囝喙齒咬薰吹 ê 款, 看著足有大人 pān.
-- Mă, 阮囝講, 你是啥物?
我無打扮, 所以我 kā 講, 我是恁 Mama.
薰吹 ùi 伊 ê 小喙 lak 落塗跤, 伊大聲哭. 阮翁傱去 kā 抱起來, 細聲 kā 姑情, tī 伊 chheh 氣中間 tiu-tiu 叫伊 ê 名.
等伊喘氣回復正常, 我才發現我 ê 毋著. 伊猶 siuⁿ 細, 無法度理解討欲耍鼓 ê chă 囡仔 ê 故事, hiah-ê chă 囡仔 lô kah 姻老母走去, 換來一个後母 -- 一个鬥玻璃目睭 kap 鬥掃梳尾 ê 查某. M̄-koh 我無意中 kā 伊講別个故事 -- 一个查埔囡仔 tī Halowin 彼工, 逐个 lóng 掛面殼, 伊才發現 in 老母毋是伊 ê 老母. 後悔予我嚨喉燒 koh 滇. 我試欲抱伊, 唚伊, m̄-koh 伊干焦想欲出去街路, 外口已經日落, 烏影充滿寒冷.
轉厝 ê 時, 伊 teh 笑, ngauh 一塊糖仔, 染 kah 喙變李仔色. 我氣阮翁. 我希望著等轉到厝才准伊食得著 ê 物. 伊敢 m̄-bat 聽過 hiah-ê 故事? Chokolet nih ê 針, língò nih ê 刀片? 我檢查阮囝 ê 喙, m̄-koh 無金屬插 tī 伊 ê téng-kiuⁿ (頂顎, palate). 伊 ná 笑 ná 踅厝內, 予糖仔暢 kah má-se má-se. 伊 mo͘h 我 ê 跤腿, 已經袂記得早前 ê 代誌. 饒赦 ê 滋味較甜任何門口 ê 糖仔. 伊 peh 來我 ê 跤腿頂 ê 時, 我為伊唱歌, 一直到伊睏去.
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阮囝 8 歲, 10 歲. 頭起先, 我 kā 伊講囡仔古 -- 古早古早 ê 故事, 痛苦, 死亡, 強迫 ê 婚姻, ná 像焦葉 án-ne 一葉一葉 lut. 美人魚生跤, 感覺 ná 像是笑詼. Gia̍t-thiok 豬仔走離大宴會, 改過自新, 無 hông 食去. 邪惡 ê 尪姨離開城堡, 搬去蹛小柴厝, tī hia 靠畫林地動物 ê 畫像過日.
M̄-koh, 伊 teh 大漢, 伊開始問問題. In hiah 枵, hiah 邪惡, in 那毋食彼隻豬仔? 尪姨做過 hiah 濟歹代誌, 人那會放伊走? 予鉸刀鉸著手了後, 伊 koh 較反對魚鰭裂做跤 ê 感覺袂 an-nóa 痛苦.
-- Án-ne 真 ó, 伊講, 伊猶無法度發 ‘hó’ ê 音.
我同意伊 ê 觀點. Án-ne 好. Koh 來, 我 tō kā 伊講較接近事實 ê 故事: 囡仔 tī 某一段鐵支路失蹤, 予毋知往佗位 ê 幽靈火車聲唌去; 某人欲死前三工, 一隻狗出現 tī 伊 ê 門口; 三隻蛤仔 tī 湳地 kā 你迫到一个角落, kā 你抾錢算命.
學校舉辦一場 "扣帶小囝" ê 表演, 伊是主角, 是彼个扣帶小囝, iá 我參加一个母親會, 為 chiah-ê 囡仔做戲服. 我是這陣查某人中間 ê chhōa 頭服裝師, 我為花童紩絲仔花瓣, 為海賊做細領白長褲. 其中一个老母 ê 指頭仔有淺黃 ê 絲帶, 彼常在纏著線. 她 kàn-kiāu koh 咻叫. 一工, 我著 kō͘ 裁縫剪仔去 ngiáu 相纏 ê 線. 我真小心. 我 kā 她 ùi 牡丹敨開 ê 時, 她搖頭.
-- 總是誠費氣, 敢毋是? 她講.
我 tìm 頭. 囡仔 tī 窗仔外耍 -- 捒對方 ùi 校庭設備落來, 踢落小金英 (dandelion) ê 花頭. 戲劇進行 kah 真順利. 開演彼暗, 阮囝 ê 獨角戲光 koh 熱. 聲調 kap 節奏 lóng 拄拄好. M̄-bat 有人演 kah hiah 好.
阮囝今年 12 歲. 伊直拄直問我絲帶 ê 代誌. 我 kā 伊講, 咱人 lóng 無相仝, 有時你袂使問問題. 我 kā 講, 等你大漢 tō 會明白. 我 kō͘ 無絲帶 ê 故事來分散伊 ê 注意: 想欲成做人 ê 天使, 毋知 ka-tī 已經死 ê 鬼, 變做火烌 ê 囡仔. 伊 ê 身軀已經無囡仔味 -- 甜奶 ê 味已經換做鑿鼻 koh 火燒味, ná 頭鬃 tī 爐仔頂 chir-chir 出聲.
阮囝 13 歲, 14 歲. 去學校 ê 路頂, 伊等一个行路比別人較慢 ê 厝邊查埔囡仔. 伊表現出微妙 ê 同情心, 阮囝. 無殘忍 ê 本性, 親像有寡人有.
-- 世界有 siuⁿ 濟惡霸, 我一再 án-ne kā 講.
今年伊無 koh 討欲聽故事.
阮囝 15 歲, 16 歲, 17 歲. 伊開始追求伊高中 ê 一个媠 chă 囡仔, 她 ê 笑容燦爛, 性情溫暖. 我真歡喜 kap 她相見, m̄-koh, 想著我 ka-tī ê 青春時, 我袂堅持阮著等到 in 轉來.
阮囝 kă 講伊已經得著一間大學錄取讀工程學 ê 時, 我暢 kah 無地講. 阮 tī 厝 nih 蹔跤步, ná 唱歌 ná 笑. 等阮翁轉來 ê 時, 伊 mā 參加慶祝, 阮駛車去在地 ê 一間海產餐廳. Ná 食扁魚 (halibut) ê 時, in 老爸 kā 講, 阮 lóng 為你感覺驕傲. 阮囝笑笑, 講伊 mā 希望 kap in 女朋友結婚. 阮雙手相捏, 感覺 koh 較歡喜. Chiah 乖 ê 後生. Chiah 值得期待 ê 美好生活.
甚至上幸運 ê 查某 mā m̄-bat 拄著這種喜樂.
*
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7.
One of my favourite stories is about an old woman and her husband – a man mean as Mondays, who scared her with the violence of his temper and the shifting nature of his whims. She was only able to keep him satisfied with her unparalleled cooking, to which he was a complete captive. One day, he bought her a fat liver to cook for him, and she did, using herbs and broth. But the smell of her own artistry overtook her, and a few nibbles became a few bites, and soon the liver was gone. She had no money with which to purchase a second one, and she was terrified of her husband’s reaction should he discover that his meal was gone. So she crept to the church next door, where a woman had been recently laid to rest. She approached the shrouded figure, then cut into it with a pair of kitchen shears and stole the liver from her corpse.
That night, the woman’s husband dabbed his lips with a napkin and declared the meal the finest he’d ever eaten. When they went to sleep, the old woman heard the front door open, and a thin wail wafted through the rooms. Who has my liver? Whooooo has my liver?
The old woman could hear the voice coming closer and closer to the bedroom. There was a hush as the door swung open. The dead woman posed her query again.
The old woman flung the blanket off her husband.
– He has it! She declared triumphantly.
Then she saw the face of the dead woman, and recognized her own mouth and eyes. She looked down at her abdomen, remembering, now, how she carved into her own belly. Next to her, as the blood seeped into the very heart of the mattress, her husband slumbered on.
That may not be the version of the story you’re familiar with. But I assure you, it’s the one you need to know.
*
My husband is strangely excited for Halloween. Our son is old enough that he can walk and carry a basket for treats. I take one of my husband’s old tweed coats and fashion one for our son, so that he might be a tiny professor, or some other stuffy academic. My husband even gives him a pipe on which to gnaw. Our son clicks it between his teeth in a way I find unsettlingly adult.
– Mama, my son says, what are you?
I am not in costume, so I tell him I am his mother.
The pipe falls from his little mouth onto the floor, and he screams. My husband swoops in and picks him up, talking to him in a low voice, repeating his name between his sobs.
It is only as his breathing returns to normal that I am able to identify my mistake. He is not old enough to know the story of the naughty girls who wanted the toy drum, and were wicked toward their mother until she went away and was replaced with a new mother – one with glass eyes and thumping wooden tail. But I have inadvertently told him another one – the story of the little boy who only discovered on Halloween that his mother was not his mother, except on the day when everyone wore a mask. Regret sluices hot up my throat. I try to hold him and kiss him, but he only wishes to go out onto the street, where the sun has dipped below the horizon and a hazy chill is bruising the shadows.
He comes home laughing, gnawing on a piece of candy that has turned his mouth the color of a plum. I am angry at my husband. I wish he had waited to come home before permitting the consumption of the cache. Has he never heard the stories? The pins pressed into the chocolates, the razor blades sunk in the apples? I examine my son’s mouth, but there is no sharp metal plunged into his palate. He laughs and spins around the house, dizzy and electrified from the treats and excitement. He wraps his arms around my legs, the earlier incident forgotten. The forgiveness tastes sweeter than any candy that can be given at any door. When he climbs into my lap, I sing to him until he falls asleep.
*
Our son is eight, ten. First, I tell him fairy tales – the very oldest ones, with the pain and death and forced marriage pared away like dead foliage. Mermaids grow feet and it feels like laughter. Naughty pigs trot away from grand feasts, reformed and uneaten. Evil witches leave the castle and move into small cottages and live out their days painting portraits of woodland creatures.
As he grows, though, he asks questions. Why would they not eat the pig, hungry as they were and wicked as he had been? Why was the witch permitted to go free after her terrible deeds? And the sensation of fins splitting to feet being anything less than agonizing he rejects outright after cutting his hand with a pair of scissors.
– It would huight, he says, for he is struggling with his r’s.
I agree with him. It would. So then I tell him stories closer to true: children who go missing along a particular stretch of railroad track, lured by the sound of a phantom train to parts unknown; a black dog that appears at a person’s doorstep three days before their passing; a trio of frogs that corner you in the marshlands and tell your fortune for a price.
The school puts on a performance of Little Buckle Boy, and he is the lead, the buckle boy, and I join a committee of mothers making costumes for the children. I am lead costume maker in a room full of women, all of us sewing together little silk petals for the flower children and making tiny white pantaloons for the pirates. One of the mothers has a pale yellow ribbon on her finger, and it constantly tangles in her thread. She swears and cries. One day I have to use the sewing shears to pick at the offending threads. I try to be delicate. She shakes her head as I free her from the peony.
– It’s such a bother, isn’t it? she says.
I nod. Outside the window, the children play – knocking each other off the playground equipment, popping the heads off dandelions. The play goes beautifully. Opening night, our son blazes through his monologue. Perfect pitch and cadence. No one has ever done better.
Our son is twelve. He asks me about the ribbon, point-blank. I tell him that we are all different, and sometimes you should not ask questions. I assure him that he’ll understand when he is grown. I distract him with stories that have no ribbons: angels who desire to be human and ghosts who don’t realize they’re dead and children who turn to ash. He stops smelling like a child – milky sweetness replaced with something sharp and burning, like a hair sizzling on the stove.
Our son is thirteen, fourteen. He waits for the neighbour boy on his way to school, who walks more slowly than the others. He exhibits the subtlest compassion, my son. No instinct for cruelty, like some.
– The world has enough bullies, I’ve told him over and over.
This is the year he stops asking for my stories.
Our son is fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. He begins to court a beautiful girl from his high school, who has a bright smile and a warm presence. I am happy to meet her, but never insist that we should wait up for their return, remembering my own youth.
When he tells us that he has been accepted at a university to study engineering, I am overjoyed. We march through the house, singing songs and laughing. When my husband comes home, he joins in the jubilee, and we drive to a local seafood restaurant. Over halibut, his father tells him, we are so proud of you. Our son laughs and says that he also wishes to marry his girl. We clasp hands and are even happier. Such a good boy. Such a wonderful life to look forward to.
Even the luckiest woman alive has not seen joy like this.
*
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