8. Ia̍h-á kat bān-bān tháu-khui
Ū chi̍t-ê keng-tián, chin-chiàⁿ ê keng-tián, góa iáu-bōe kā lí kóng.
Chi̍t-ê lú-pêng-iú hām lâm-pêng-iú khì thêng-chhia. Ū-lâng kóng he ì-sù tō sī tī chhia-téng sio-chim, m̄-koh góa chai chit-ê kò͘-sū. In thêng-chhia tī chi̍t-ê ô͘-piⁿ. In tī chhia āu-chō chhia-péng, bē-su sè-kài tit-boeh kiat-sok ah. Hoān-sè chin-chiàⁿ sī án-ne. Yi hiàn-chhut ka-tī, i mā bô sè-jī kā chiap-siū, tāi-chì pān hó-sè liáu, in chūn lajíoh lâi thiaⁿ.
Lajíoh pò-sàng kóng, chi̍t-ê hong-kông ê thih-kau chhiú sat-jîn-hoān í-keng ùi chāi-tē ê siáu-lâng pēⁿ-īⁿ tô-cháu. Lâm-pêng-iú ná ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò ná ōaⁿ kòe im-ga̍k-tâi. Koa chhiùⁿ liáu ê sî, lú-pêng-iú thiaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê ná chhiūⁿ kō͘ hôe-bûn-chiam koeh po-lê ê siaⁿ. Yi lia̍h lâm-pêng-iú khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē, tō giú yi ê iûⁿ-mô͘-saⁿ khàm bô chhēng-saⁿ ê keng-kah-thâu, koh kō͘ chi̍t-ki chhiú-kut khàm yi ê nn̄g-lia̍p leng.
-- Lán hó lâi-khì ah, yi kóng.
-- Bān-chhiáⁿ, koai, lâm-pêng-iú kóng, lán koh lâi chi̍t-piàn.
-- Sat-jîn-hoān nā lâi chia, boeh án-nóa? chă gín-á mn̄g. Siáu-lâng pēⁿ-īⁿ lī chia chin kīn.
-- Lán bô tāi-chì, koai, lâm-pêng-iú kóng. Lí kám bē sìn-jīm góa?
Lú-pêng-iú tìm-thâu, bô chin chêng-goān.
-- Án-ne tō hó, i kóng, he thoa tn̂g-tn̂g ê siaⁿ yi í-keng thiaⁿ kah chin koàn-sì ah. I kā yi ê chhiú ùi heng-chêng sóa lâi ka-tī ê sin-khu. Án-ne yi chóng-sǹg kā ba̍k-kng ùi ô͘-piⁿ sóa khui.
Gōa-bīn, goe̍h-kng hoán-siā siám-sih ê thih-kau. Sat-jîn-hoān hiòng yi ia̍t-chhiú, chhùi gi-gi.
Pháiⁿ-sè, góa í-keng bē kì-tit chit-ê kò͘-sū ê kî-thaⁿ pō͘-hūn ah.
*
Bô goán kiáⁿ tī leh, chhù nih chiâⁿ chēng. Góa kiâⁿ tī chhù-lāi, chia bong hia bong. Góa chin hoaⁿ-hí, m̄-koh sim-koaⁿ sóa khì chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn ê sin só͘-chāi.
Hit-àm, goán ang mn̄g góa kám boeh kā chiah-ê sin ê khang pâng pān sé-lé. Chū-chiông goán kiáⁿ bōe chhut-sì í-lâi, góa m̄-bat ū chiah kek-lia̍t ê liân-kiat. Phak tī chàu-kha ê toh-á téng, góa ê thé-lāi tiám-to̍h chi̍t-kóa kū mi̍h, góa siūⁿ khí kòe-khì goán kòe-giàn ê hong-sek, goán án-nóa tī só͘-ū mi̍h-kiāⁿ téng-bīn lâu lo̍h goán ê ài. Góa 17 hòe hit-nî, tī hit-ê iàn-hōe góa ē-sái tú tio̍h jīm-hô lâng -- pì-sù ê cha-po͘ gín-á a̍h chho͘-ló͘ ê cha-po͘ gín-á. Sìn-kàu ê cha-po͘ gín-á chiong ē chhōa góa kàu iâu-oán ê kok-ka, khì hia ǹg hia ê ki-bîn thoân-kàu. Góa ū khó-lêng keng-giām tio̍h sǹg bē-chheng ê pi-siong kap put-boán. M̄-koh, tī tē-pán siōng khiâ tī i téng-koân, góa chai hit-nî góa chò ê sī chèng-khak ê koat-tēng.
Goán thiám kah khùn khì, chhiah-sin-lō͘-thé tó tī bîn-chhn̂g. Tán góa chhéⁿ lâi ê sî, goán ang teh chim góa ê ām-kún āu-niā, kō͘ i ê chi̍h teh nā si-tòa. Góa ê sin-thé ke̍k-le̍k té-khòng, sui-bóng iáu ū khoài-lo̍k kì-tî ê chùn-tāng, khiok in-ūi i ê hoán-pōe teh kún-liòng. Góa kiò i ê miâ, m̄-koh i bô hoán-èng. Góa koh kiò chi̍t-pái, i kā góa lia̍h óa i, koh kè-sio̍k. Góa kō͘ chhiú āu-khiau kēng i ê pak-tó͘-piⁿ, i tio̍h-kiaⁿ, kā góa pàng-khui. Góa chē chiàⁿ, bīn tùi i. I khòaⁿ tio̍h gông-ngia̍h, siū tio̍h siong-hāi, ná chhiūⁿ goán-kiáⁿ tī góa iô té gîn-kak-á ê tâng-kóng-á hit-kái án-ne.
Góa hā koat-sim. Góa chhun-chhiú khì bong si-tòa. Góa khòaⁿ goán ang ê bīn, i ê io̍k-bōng ê khai-sí a̍h kiat-sok lóng tī hia khek kah bêng-bêng. I m̄-sī chi̍t-ê pháiⁿ-lâng, hut-jiân góa mā lí-kái, he tō sī góa thiàⁿ-sim ê kin-goân. I kin-pún m̄-sī siáⁿ pháiⁿ-lâng. M̄-koh...
-- Lí boeh tháu-khui si-tòa sī-m̄? Góa mn̄g i. Í-keng kòe chiah chē nî, lí iáu sī ài boeh án-ne chò?
I ê bīn chhiò hi-hi, koh lâi hèng chhih-chhih, i ê chhiú tī góa heng-khám loān bong, koh bong kàu góa ê ia̍h-á kat.
-- Sī, i kóng, sī.
-- Nā án-ne, góa kóng, chiàu lí ê ì-sù khì chò.
Kō͘ ē chhoah ê chéng-thâu-á, i tēⁿ chi̍t-thâu. Ia̍h-á kat bān-bān tháu-khui, tn̂g-tn̂g ê tòa-á in-ūi koàn-sèng koh kńg khí-lâi. Goán ang iⁿ-iⁿ ūⁿ-ūⁿ chhut-siaⁿ, m̄-koh góa jīn-ûi i bô chù-ì tio̍h chit-tiám. I se̍h chéng-thâu-á kòe chòe-āu ê oat-kak, jiân-āu kā giú. Si-tòa lak khui. I phiau lo̍h, koh tī góa ê kha kǹg khí-lâi, a̍h sī kóng, góa siūⁿ sī án-ne, in-ūi góa bô hoat-tō͘ àⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ i lak lo̍h.
Goán ang niàu ba̍k-bâi, jiân-āu i ê bīn chhut-hiān lēng-gōa chi̍t-chióng piáu-chêng -- pi-siong, a̍h sī thê-chá ê sit-lo̍h. Góa ê chhiú tī bīn-chêng hiù koân -- chi̍t-ê put-chū-kak ê tōng-chok, ūi-tio̍h pêng-hêng a̍h kî-thaⁿ bô-hāu ê sū-hāng -- án-ne liáu, góa tō bô khòaⁿ e i ê hêng-iáⁿ ah.
-- Góa ài lí, góa kā pó-chèng, pí lí só͘ siūⁿ ê khah chē.
-- M̄-thang, i kóng, m̄-koh góa m̄-chai i teh ìn siáⁿ.
Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, lí khó-lêng siūⁿ boeh chai, góa ê si-tòa pó-hō͘ ê hit-ê só͘-chāi sī-m̄-sī siàm hoeh koh ū khang-chhùi, a̍h sī chhiūⁿ pò͘-ang-á ê kha-thúi tiong-kan, kng-ku̍t koh sio-liâm. Khióng-kiaⁿ góa bē-tàng kā lí kóng, in-ūi góa mā m̄-chai. Ūi tio̍h chiah-ê būn-tê kap kî-thaⁿ būn-tê bô hoat-tō͘ kái-koat, góa chin pháiⁿ-sè.
Góa ê tiōng-sim kái-piàn ah, in-ūi án-ne, góa siū tio̍h ín-le̍k ê khiú-lia̍h. Goán ang ê bīn cháu khui, koh lâi góa khòaⁿ tio̍h thian-pông, kap góa āu-bīn ê piah. Tán góa tn̄g khì ê thâu ǹg ām-kún āu-bīn hiàⁿ koh liàn-lo̍h bîn-chhn̂g ê sî, góa kám-kak tio̍h m̄-bat ū kòe ê ko͘-toaⁿ.
[Soah]
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8. 蝶仔結慢慢敨開
有一个經典, 真正 ê 經典, 我猶未 kā 你講.
一个女朋友和男朋友去停車. 有人講 he 意思 tō 是 tī 車頂相唚, m̄-koh 我知這个故事. In 停車 tī 一个湖邊. In tī 車後座 chhia-péng, 袂輸世界得欲結束 ah. 凡勢真正是 án-ne. 她獻出 ka-tī, 伊 mā 無細膩 kā 接受, 代誌辦好勢了, in 捘 lajíoh 來聽.
Lajíoh 播送講, 一个瘋狂 ê 鐵勾手殺人犯已經 ùi 在地 ê 痟人病院逃走. 男朋友 ná ko̍k-ko̍k 笑 ná 換過音樂台. 歌唱了 ê 時, 女朋友聽著一个 ná 像 kō͘ 回紋針刮玻璃 ê 聲. 她掠男朋友看一下, tō 搝她 ê 羊毛衫崁無穿衫 ê 肩胛頭, koh kō͘ 一支手骨崁她 ê 兩粒奶.
-- 咱好來去 ah, 她講.
-- 慢且, 乖, 男朋友講, 咱 koh 來一遍.
-- 殺人犯若來 chia, 欲 án-nóa? chă 囡仔問. 痟人病院離 chia 真近.
-- 咱無代誌, 乖, 男朋友講. 你敢袂信任我?
女朋友 tìm 頭, 無真情願.
-- Án-ne tō 好, 伊講, he 拖長長 ê 聲她已經聽 kah 真慣勢 ah. 伊 kā 她 ê 手 ùi 胸前徙來 ka-tī ê 身軀. Án-ne 她總算 kā 目光 ùi 湖邊徙開.
外面, 月光反射閃爍 ê 鐵勾. 殺人犯向她擛手, 喙 gi-gi.
歹勢, 我已經袂記得這个故事 ê 其他部份 ah.
*
無阮囝 tī leh, 厝 nih 誠靜. 我行 tī 厝內, chia 摸 hia 摸. 我真歡喜, m̄-koh 心肝徙去一个生份 ê 新所在.
彼暗, 阮翁問我敢欲 kā chiah-ê 新 ê 空房辦洗禮. 自從阮囝未出世以來, 我 m̄-bat 有 chiah 激烈 ê 連結. 仆 tī 灶跤 ê 桌仔頂, 我 ê 體內點著一寡舊物, 我想起過去阮過癮 ê 方式, 阮 án-nóa tī 所有物件頂面留落阮 ê 愛. 我 17 歲彼年, tī 彼个宴會我會使拄著任何人 -- 閉思 ê 查埔囡仔 a̍h 粗魯 ê 查埔囡仔. 信教 ê 查埔囡仔將會 chhōa 我到遙遠 ê 國家, 去 hia ǹg hia ê 居民傳教. 我有可能經驗著算袂清 ê 悲傷 kap 不滿. M̄-koh, tī 地板上騎 tī 伊頂懸, 我知彼年我做 ê 是正確 ê 決定.
阮忝 kah 睏去, 赤身露體倒 tī 眠床. 等我醒來 ê 時, 阮翁 teh 唚我 ê 頷頸後陵, kō͘ 伊 ê 舌 teh 吶絲帶. 我 ê 身體極力抵抗, 雖罔猶有快樂記持 ê 顫動, 卻因為伊 ê 反背 teh 滾躘. 我叫伊 ê 名, m̄-koh 伊無反應. 我 koh 叫一擺, 伊 kā 我掠倚伊, koh 繼續. 我 kō͘ 手後曲 kēng 伊 ê 腹肚邊, 伊著驚, kā 我放開. 我坐正, 面對伊. 伊看著 gông-ngia̍h, 受著傷害, ná 像阮囝 tī 我搖貯銀角仔 ê 銅管仔彼改 án-ne.
我下決心. 我伸手去摸絲帶. 我看阮翁 ê 面, 伊 ê 慾望 ê 開始 a̍h 結束 lóng tī hia 刻 kah 明明. 伊毋是一个歹人, 忽然我 mā 理解, 彼 tō 是我疼心 ê 根源. 伊根本毋是啥歹人. M̄-koh...
-- 你欲敨開絲帶是毋? 我問伊. 已經過 chiah 濟年, 你猶是愛欲 án-ne 做?
伊 ê 面笑 hi-hi, koh 來興 chhih-chhih, 伊 ê 手 tī 我胸坎亂摸, koh 摸到我 ê 蝶仔結.
-- 是, 伊講, 是.
-- 若 án-ne, 我講, 照你 ê 意思去做.
Kō͘ 會掣 ê 指頭仔, 伊捏一頭. 蝶仔結慢慢敨開, 長長 ê 帶仔因為慣性 koh 卷起來. 阮翁 iⁿ-iⁿ ūⁿ-ūⁿ 出聲, m̄-koh 我認為伊無注意著這點. 伊踅指頭仔過最後 ê 斡角, 然後 kā 搝. 絲帶 lak 開. 伊飄落, koh tī 我 ê 跤卷起來, a̍h 是講, 我想是 án-ne, 因為我無法度 àⁿ 頭看伊 lak 落.
阮翁 niàu 目眉, 然後伊 ê 面出現另外一種表情 -- 悲傷, a̍h 是提早 ê 失落. 我 ê 手 tī 面前 hiù 懸 -- 一个不自覺 ê 動作, 為著平衡 a̍h 其他無效 ê 事項 -- án-ne 了, 我 tō 無看 e 伊 ê 形影 ah.
-- 我愛你, 我 kā 保證, 比你所想 ê 較濟.
-- 毋通, 伊講, m̄-koh 我毋知伊 teh 應啥.
你若大聲讀這个故事, 你可能想欲知, 我 ê 絲帶保護 ê 彼个所在是毋是滲血 koh 有空喙, a̍h 是像布尪仔 ê 跤腿中間, 光滑 koh 相黏. 恐驚我袂當 kā 你講, 因為我 mā 毋知. 為著 chiah-ê 問題 kap 其他問題無法度解決, 我真歹勢.
我 ê 重心改變 ah, 因為 án-ne, 我受著引力 ê 搝掠. 阮翁 ê 面走開, koh 來我看著天篷, kap 我後面 ê 壁. 等我斷去 ê 頭 ǹg 頷頸後面 hiàⁿ koh 輾落眠床 ê 時, 我感覺著 m̄-bat 有過 ê 孤單.
[煞]
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8.
There’s a classic, a real classic, that I haven’t told you yet.
A girlfriend and a boyfriend went parking. Some people say that means kissing in a car, but I know the story. I was there. They were parked on the edge of a lake. They were turning around in the back seat as if the world was moments from ending. Maybe it was. She offered herself and he took it, and after it was over, they turned on the radio.
The voice on the radio announced that a mad, hook-handed murderer had escaped from a local insane asylum. The boyfriend chuckled as he flipped to a music station. As the song ended, the girlfriend heard a thin scratching sound, like a paperclip over glass. She looked at her boyfriend and then pulled her cardigan over her bare shoulders, wrapping one arm around her breasts.
– We should go, she said.
– No, baby, the boyfriend said. Let’s go again.
– What if the killer comes here? The girl asked. The insane asylum is very close.
– We’ll be fine, baby, the boyfriend said. Don’t you trust me?
The girlfriend nodded reluctantly.
– Well then, he said, his voice trailing off in that way she would come to know so well. He took her hand off her chest and placed it onto himself. She finally looked away from the lakeside.
Outside, the moonlight glinted off the shiny steel hook. The killer waved at her, grinning.
I’m sorry. I’ve forgotten the rest of the story.
*
The house is so silent without our son. I walk through it, touching all the surfaces. I am happy but something inside of me is shifting into a strange new place.
That night, my husband asks if I wish to christen the newly empty rooms. We have not coupled so fiercely since before our son was born. Bent over the kitchen table, something old is lit within me, and I remember the way we had desired before, how we had left love streaked on all of the surfaces. I could have met anyone at that party when I was seventeen – prudish boys or violent boys. Religious boys who would have made me move to some distant country to convert its denizens. I could have experienced untold numbers of sorrows or dissatisfactions. But as I straddle him on the floor, riding him and crying out, I know that I made the right choice.
We fall asleep exhausted, sprawled naked in our bed. When I wake up, my husband is kissing the back of my neck, probing the ribbon with his tongue. My body rebels wildly, still throbbing with the memories of pleasure but bucking hard against betrayal. I say his name, and he does not respond. I say it again, and he holds me against him and continues. I wedge my elbows in his side, and when he loosens from me in surprise, I sit up and face him. He looks confused and hurt, like my son the day I shook the can of pennies.
Resolve runs out of me. I touch the ribbon. I look at the face of my husband, the beginning and end of his desires all etched there. He is not a bad man, and that, I realize suddenly, is the root of my hurt. He is not a bad man at all. And yet –
– Do you want to untie the ribbon? I ask him. After these many years, is that what you want of me?
His face flashes gaily, and then greedily, and he runs his hand up my bare breast and to my bow.
– Yes, he says. Yes.
– Then, I say, do what you want.
With trembling fingers, he takes one of the ends. The bow undoes, slowly, the long-bound ends crimped with habit. My husband groans, but I do not think he realizes it. He loops his finger through the final twist and pulls. The ribbon falls away. It floats down and curls at my feet, or so I imagine, because I cannot look down to follow its descent.
My husband frowns, and then his face begins to open with some other expression – sorrow, or maybe pre-emptive loss. My hand flies up in front of me – an involuntary motion, for balance or some other futility – and beyond it his image is gone.
– I love you, I assure him, more than you can possibly know.
– No, he says, but I don’t know to what he’s responding.
If you are reading this story out loud, you may be wondering if that place my ribbon protected was wet with blood and openings, or smooth and neutered like the nexus between the legs of a doll. I’m afraid I can’t tell you, because I don’t know. For these questions and others, and their lack of resolution, I am sorry.
My weight shifts, and with it, gravity seizes me. My husband’s face falls away, and then I see the ceiling, and the wall behind me. As my lopped head tips backwards off my neck and rolls off the bed, I feel as lonely as I have ever been.
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