Q. Chiáu-á Koa | 鳥仔歌 - 1. 我袂 kā 你阻擋

Birdsong /by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (September 13, 2010)
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/09/20/birdsong-2

Chiáu-á Koa | 鳥仔歌

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1. Góa bē kā lí chó͘-tòng

Hit-ê cha-bó͘, chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn lâng, teh khòaⁿ góa. Tī sio hōng-hōng ê ē-tàu, tī otobái tīn kap hoàn-á ê tiong-kan, yi ùi yi ê jeep /jì-pù/ ê āu-chō ǹg-ē khòaⁿ góa. Yi ê ba̍k-kng ti̍t-chiap, bô làng-phāng. Yi m̄-sī chhiūⁿ lâng tha-chhia tī Lagos ê sî án-ne, kan-ta khòaⁿ sin-piⁿ ê chhia; yi ti̍t-tú-ti̍t teh khòaⁿ góa. Thâu-khí-seng, góa khòaⁿ pa̍t-ūi khì, āu-lâi góa mā lia̍h yi khòaⁿ, khòaⁿ yi he chhàng-chhàng ê thâu-mo͘-si phi tī keng-thâu, he kiò-chò Brazil Hoat-hêng, sī khai Bí-kim tī Victoria Tó ê hoat-lông chò ê; khòaⁿ yi ê chhián-sek phôe-hu, siám-sih tio̍h ko-kip krimù ê sok-ka-kám kim-ku̍t; khòaⁿ yi he kí-cháiⁿ kòa chu-pó ê chhiú, yi ia̍t-chhiú kóaⁿ chi̍t-ê bē cha̍p-chì ê hoàn-á, sī koàn-sì ia̍t-chhiú kóaⁿ lâng ê chu-sè. Yi súi, a̍h sī kóng, yi ê iông-māu put-hoân, bēng-siōng ê nn̄g-lúi tōa ba̍k-chiu chhim-chhim, "súi" sī tùi yi siōng kán-tan ê hêng-iông. Yi tō sī góa só͘ sióng-siōng ê goán ài-jîn ê khan-chhiú hit-chióng cha-bó͘, sī tāi-chì ū-lâng thè yi pān ê hit-chióng cha-bó͘.

Goán ài-jîn. Che thiaⁿ tio̍h sió-khóa phòng-hong, m̄-koh góa chèng-keng m̄-chai án-chóaⁿ kā chheng-ho͘. "Lâm-pêng-iú" ká-ná bô sek-ha̍p chi̍t-ê 45 hòe ê thé-biān cha-po͘, tī chiap-chhiok góa chìn-chêng, i sió-sim pak-lo̍h kiat-hun chhiú-chí. Chikwado kiò i "lín cha-po͘-lâng," kòa chi̍t-ê khin-khin ê gio̍h-chhiò, ká-ná goán nn̄g-lâng lóng teh kún-chhiò: tong-jiân i m̄-sī góa ê. "Ah, lí chóng-sī ūi tio̍h chit-ê lín cha-po͘-lâng chiah kín-kín kóaⁿ boeh lī-khui," yi ē án-ne kóng, tò-theⁿ tī í-á, ná kō͘ chhiú phah ka-tī ê thâu, chi̍t-piàn koh chi̍t-piàn. Yi thâu-chang ē-bīn ê phôe teh chiūⁿ, chí-hó kō͘ chit-chiau jiàu-chiūⁿ. "Hó-hó hiáng-siū oh, chí-iàu lí ê cheng-sîn chiap-siū he, m̄-koh nā sī góa, góa bô khó-lêng peh tōa-thúi hō͘ ū-bó͘ ê cha-po͘-lâng." Tī góa hā-pan chêng chéng-lí bûn-kiāⁿ koh koaiⁿ tiān-náu ê sî, yi tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ án-ne kóng, kek chi̍t-ê bêng-hián ê tō-tek koân-tō͘.

Goán sī hō͘-siong su-iàu ê pêng-iú, in-ūi goán lóng ùi Enugu Hāu-hn̂g chhut-gia̍p, chòe-āu lâi Lagos ê Celnet Tiān-sìn chia̍h-thâu-lō͘, sī siā-khu koan-hē pō͘-mn̂g ûi-jī ê lú-sèng. Nā m̄-sī án-ne, goán tō bē chò pêng-iú ah. Góa thó-ià yi he kòe-thâu kán-hòa ê toàn-tēng, góa mā chai, yi jīn-ûi góa ê hêng-ûi tō ná chhiūⁿ jīm-sèng, bē-su gōa-kok ê chheng-siàu-liân: lâu thian-jiân, bô án-nóa chián ê thâu-chang, tī tōa-lâu chiàⁿ-bīn lâng-lâng khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h ê só͘-chāi pok-hun, kī-choa̍t chham-ka láu-pán chú-chhî ê pài-it meeting /mí-tèng/ liáu-āu ê kî-tó. Góa pún-chiâⁿ bē kā kóng goán ài-jîn ê tāi-chì -- góa m̄-bat kā kóng góa ê su-seng-oa̍h -- m̄-koh i tē-it pái lâi góa ê pān-kong-sek hit-sî, yi tú-hó tī hia, chi̍t-ê sán-thiu, o͘-bah ê cha-po͘, kat kiô-sek nekutái, chin ū-chîⁿ ê khoán. I chhiong-móa hit-chióng bô iàu-ì ka-tī tē-ūi, soah oa̍t-lú hián-sī tē-ūi ê lâm-sèng chiah ū ê kim sih-sih ê chū-chun. Goán láu-pán kō͘ siang-chhiú kap i at-chhiú, kóng, "Hoan-gêng, sian-siⁿ, khòaⁿ tio̍h lí chiâⁿ hó, sian-siⁿ, lí hó bô, sian-siⁿ, chhiáⁿ kòe-lâi chia chē, sian-siⁿ." Chikwado mā tī hia, hit-sî i khòaⁿ góa, góa mā khòaⁿ i, i tō chhiò chi̍t-ē, tùi só͘-ū ê mi̍h, chóng-sī chi̍t-ê un-loán, hoaⁿ-hí ê bî-chhiò. Yi thiaⁿ tio̍h i kā goán láu-pán kóng, "Góa ê ka-têng tòa tī Bí-kok," ūi tio̍h hō͘ góa mā thiaⁿ tio̍h, i kóng liáu sió-khóa siuⁿ tōa-siaⁿ, tài chi̍t-ê kìⁿ-kòe sè-bīn ê Nigeria lâng ê gōa-kok khiuⁿ, āu-lâi góa hoat-hiān, tng i chin-chiàⁿ teh hèng mi̍h-kiāⁿ ê sî, chit-lō khiuⁿ-kháu tō bô khì ah. Yi khòaⁿ tio̍h i kiâⁿ kòe-lâi, hō͘ góa i ê miâ-phìⁿ. Kòe kúi-kang, i ê su-ki sàng chi̍t-pau lé-mi̍h ê sî, yi mā tī hia. In-ūi yi khòaⁿ tio̍h, iū in-ūi góa siū-tio̍h chi̍t-ê bêng-chai bô sek-ha̍p góa ê cha-po͘ ê bo̍k-bêng ê chêng-kám só͘ pau-ûi, góa tō hō͘ yi khòaⁿ he phang-chúi kap hit-tiuⁿ khah-phìⁿ, téng-koân siá, "Góa teh siūⁿ lí."

"Óa-seh! Khòaⁿ lí ê ba̍k-chiu ūi chi̍t-ê ū-bó͘ ê cha-po͘ lâng siám-sih kah chit-khoán. Lí su-iàu kái-thoat ê kî-tó," Chikwado pòaⁿ kún-chhiò án-ne kóng. Yi chhiâng-chāi khì bô-kāng ê kàu-tn̂g chham-ka thiat-iā-tó (徹夜禱), m̄-koh chú-tê lóng sī Chhōe Thian-sù Phōaⁿ-lū; keh-kang chá-khí yi lâi siōng-pan tō ài-khùn-sîn, ba̍k-chiu khan âng-si, iū koh teh an-pâi lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê oa̍h-tāng. Yi kin-nî 32, í-keng hō͘ ǹg-bāng an-tēng ê ap-le̍k teh kah kho̍k-kho̍k phîn. Yi kóng ê chiâu sī chiah-ê. Só͘-ū goán cha-bó͘ tông-sū tī si̍t-tn̂g chia̍h-tàu ê sî, mā lóng sī kóng chiah-ê. Yewande teh lōng-hùi sî-kan kap hit-ê cha-po͘ kiâⁿ -- i iáu bōe boeh an-tēng lo̍h-lâi. Lí tio̍h mn̄g i oh, i nā bô khòaⁿ tio̍h bī-lâi ê hun-in, lí siōng-hó khì pa̍t-ūi chhōe; lâng sī bē koh chheng-chhun. Ekaete chin hó-ūn, kan-ta la̍k kò goe̍h, yi í-keng tēng-hun ah. Yin ná teh kóng, góa ná khòaⁿ thang-á gōa, koân-koân tī Lagos téng-bīn, khòaⁿ kui-phiàn ê seⁿ-sian chhù-téng, khòaⁿ chit-ê móa-móa sī ū-o͘-tiám ê thiⁿ-sài ê to͘-chhī, khòaⁿ i ê hi-bāng ê khí kap lo̍h.

Sīm-chì góa ê ài-jîn mā kóng-khí chit-ê goān-bāng. "Chin kín lí tō ē boeh an-tēng lo̍h-lâi," i kóng. "Góa chí-sī boeh hō͘ lí chai, góa bē kā lí chó͘-tòng." Goán lō͘-thé tó tī bîn-chhn̂g; che sī goán ê tē-it kái. I ê thâu-mo͘ kiap tio̍h chi̍t-si chím-thâu ke-mo͘, góa thè i khioh, koh hō͘ i khòaⁿ. Góa lân-tit siong-sìn, tī  tú-chiah ê pān-sū liáu, goán nn̄g-lâng to iáu in-ūi tùi-hong ê un-loán ē bīn-âng, hit-kù ōe i soah kóng kah hiah chū-jiân. "Góa kap kî-thaⁿ cha-po͘ bô kāng, in lia̍h-chún ē-tàng khòng-chè lí ê seng-oa̍h, m̄-chún lí hiòng chêng," i kè-sio̍k kóng, ná kō͘ chhiú āu-khiau thèⁿ koân ka-tī, ná khòaⁿ góa. I teh kóng ê sī, i pí pa̍t-lâng khah gâu sńg, iá góa liân boeh sńg siáⁿ mā iáu m̄-chai. Chū-chiông góa tú tio̍h i hit-khek khai-sí, góa kám-kak ū khó-lêng-sèng, m̄-koh tùi i lâi kóng, lō͘ í-keng koaiⁿ, sū-si̍t-siōng, lō͘ m̄-bat khui; bô khong-kan thang hō͘ mi̍h-kiāⁿ ji̍p-khì sàu, ji̍p-khì loān.

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1. 我袂 kā 你阻擋

彼个查某, 一个生份人, teh 看我. Tī 燒烘烘 ê 下晝, tī otobái 陣 kap 販仔 ê 中間, 她 ùi 她 ê jeep /jì-pù/ ê 後座 ǹg 下看我. 她 ê 目光直接, 無閬縫. 伊毋是像人窒車 tī Lagos ê 時 án-ne, 干焦看身邊 ê 車; 她直拄直 teh 看我. 頭起先, 我看別位去, 後來我 mā 掠她看, 看她彼聳聳 ê 頭毛絲披 tī 肩頭, 彼叫做 Brazil 髮型, 是開美金 tī Victoria 島 ê 髮廊做 ê; 看她 ê 淺色皮膚, 閃爍著高級 krimù ê 塑膠感金滑; 看她 he kí-cháiⁿ 掛珠寶 ê 手, 她擛手趕一个賣雜誌 ê 販仔, 是慣勢擛手趕人 ê 姿勢. 她媠, a̍h 是講, 她 ê 容貌不凡, 面上 ê 兩蕊大目睭深深, "媠" 是對她上簡單 ê 形容. 她 tō 是我所想像 ê 阮愛人 ê 牽手彼種查某, 是代誌有人替她辦 ê 彼種查某.

阮愛人. 這聽著小可膨風, m̄-koh 我正經毋知按怎 kā 稱呼. "男朋友" ká-ná 無適合一个 45 歲 ê 體面查埔, tī 接觸我進前, 伊小心剝落結婚手只. Chikwado 叫伊 "恁查埔人," 掛一个輕輕 ê 謔笑, ká-ná 阮兩人攏 teh 滾笑: 當然伊毋是我 ê. "Ah, 你總是為著這个恁查埔人 chiah 緊緊趕欲離開," 她會 án-ne 講, 倒撐 tī 椅仔, ná kō͘ 手拍 ka-tī ê 頭, 一遍 koh 一遍. 她頭鬃下面 ê 皮 teh 癢, 只好 kō͘ 這招抓癢. "好好享受 oh, 只要你 ê 精神接受 he, m̄-koh 若是我, 我無可能 peh 大腿予有某 ê 查埔人." Tī 我下班前整理文件 koh 關電腦 ê 時, 她定定 án-ne 講, 激一个明顯 ê 道德懸度.

阮是互相需要 ê 朋友, 因為阮攏 ùi Enugu 校園出業, 最後來 Lagos ê Celnet 電信食頭路, 是社區關係部門唯二 ê 女性. 若毋是 án-ne, 阮 tō 袂做朋友 ah. 我討厭她 he 過頭簡化 ê 斷定, 我 mā 知, 她認為我 ê 行為 tō ná 像任性, 袂輸外國 ê 青少年: 留天然, 無 án-nóa 剪 ê 頭鬃, tī 大樓正面人人看會著 ê 所在噗薰, 拒絕參加老板主持 ê 拜一 meeting /mí-tèng/ 了後 ê 祈禱. 我本成袂 kā 講阮愛人 ê 代誌 -- 我 m̄-bat kā 講我 ê 私生活 -- m̄-koh 伊第一擺來我 ê 辦公室彼時, 她拄好 tī hia, 一个瘦抽, 烏肉 ê 查埔, 結茄色 nekutái, 真有錢 ê 款. 伊充滿彼種無要意 ka-tī 地位, 煞越愈顯示地位 ê 男性才有 ê 金 sih-sih ê 自尊. 阮老板 kō͘ 雙手 kap 伊握手, 講, "歡迎, 先生, 看著你誠好, 先生, 你好無, 先生, 請過來 chia 坐, 先生." Chikwado mā tī hia, 彼時伊看我, 我 mā 看伊, 伊 tō 笑一下, 對所有 ê 物, 總是一个溫暖, 歡喜 ê 微笑. 她聽著伊 kā 阮老板講, "我 ê 家庭蹛 tī 美國," 為著予我 mā 聽著, 伊講了小可 siuⁿ 大聲, 帶一个見過世面 ê Nigeria 人 ê 外國腔, 後來我發現, tng 伊真正 teh 興物件 ê 時, chit-lō 腔口 tō 無去 ah. 她看著伊行過來, 予我伊 ê 名片. 過幾工, 伊 ê 司機送一包禮物 ê 時, 她 mā tī hia. 因為她看著, 又因為我受著一个明知無適合我 ê 查埔 ê 莫名 ê 情感所包圍, 我 tō 予她看 he 芳水 kap 彼張卡片, 頂懸寫, "我 teh 想你."

"Óa-seh! 看你 ê 目睭為一个有某 ê 查埔人閃爍 kah 這款. 你需要解脫 ê 祈禱," Chikwado 半滾笑 án-ne 講. 她常在去無仝 ê 教堂參加 thiat-iā-tó (徹夜禱), m̄-koh 主題攏是揣天賜伴侶; 隔工早起她來上班 tō 愛睏神, 目睭牽紅絲, 又 koh teh 安排另外一个活動. 她今年 32, 已經予 ǹg 望安定 ê 壓力硩 kah kho̍k-kho̍k phîn. 她講 ê chiâu 是 chiah-ê. 所有阮查某同事 tī 食堂食晝 ê 時, mā 攏是講 chiah-ê. Yewande teh 浪費時間 kap 彼个查埔行 -- 伊猶未欲安定落來. 你著問伊 oh, 伊若無看著未來 ê 婚姻, 你上好去別位揣; 人是袂 koh 青春. Ekaete 真好運, 干焦六個月, 她已經訂婚 ah. 姻 ná teh 講, 我 ná 看窗仔外, 懸懸 tī Lagos 頂面, 看規遍 ê 生鉎厝頂, 看這个滿滿是有烏點 ê 天使 ê 都市, 看伊 ê 希望 ê 起 kap 落.

甚至我 ê 愛人 mā 講起這个願望. "真緊你 tō 會欲安定落來," 伊講. "我只是欲予你知, 我袂 kā 你阻擋." 阮露體倒 tī 眠床; 這是阮 ê 第一改. 伊 ê 頭毛夾著一絲枕頭雞毛, 我替伊抾, koh 予伊看. 我難得相信, tī 拄才 ê 辦事了, 阮兩人 to 猶因為對方 ê 溫暖會面紅, 彼句話伊煞講 kah hiah 自然. "我 kap 其他查埔無仝, in 掠準會當控制你 ê 生活, 毋准你向前," 伊繼續講, ná kō͘ 手後曲牚懸 ka-tī, ná 看我. 伊 teh 講 ê 是, 伊比別人較 gâu 耍, iá 我連欲耍啥 mā 猶毋知. 自從我拄著伊彼刻開始, 我感覺有可能性, m̄-koh 對伊來講, 路已經關, 事實上, 路 m̄-bat 開; 無空間通予物件入去掃, 入去亂.

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1.

The woman, a stranger, was looking at me. In the glare of the hot afternoon, in the swirl of motorcycles and hawkers, she was looking down at me from the back seat of her jeep. Her stare was too direct, not sufficiently vacant. She was not merely resting her eyes on the car next to hers, as people often do in Lagos traffic; she was looking at me. At first, I glanced away, but then I stared back, at the haughty silkiness of the weave that fell to her shoulders in loose curls, the kind of extension called Brazilian Hair and paid for in dollars at Victoria Island hair salons; at her fair skin, which had the plastic sheen that comes from expensive creams; and at her hand, forefinger bejewelled, which she raised to wave a magazine hawker away, with the ease of a person used to waving people away. She was beautiful, or perhaps she was just so unusual-looking, with wide-set eyes sunk deep in her face, that “beautiful” was the easiest way of describing her. She was the kind of woman I imagined my lover’s wife was, a woman for whom things were done.

My lover. It sounds a little melodramatic, but I never knew how to refer to him. “Boyfriend” seemed wrong for an urbane man of forty-five who carefully slipped off his wedding ring before he touched me. Chikwado called him “your man,” with a faintly sneering smile, as though we were both in on the joke: he was not, of course, mine. “Ah, you are always rushing to leave because of this your man,” she would say, leaning back in her chair and smacking her head with her hand, over and over. Her scalp was itchy beneath her weave, and this was the only way she could come close to scratching it. “Have fun oh, as long as your spirit accepts it, but as for me, I cannot spread my legs for a married man.” She said this often, with a clear-eyed moral superiority, as I packed my files and shut down my computer for the day.

We were friends out of necessity, because we had both graduated from Enugu Campus and ended up working for Celnet Telecom, in Lagos, as the only females in the community-relations unit. Otherwise, we would not have been friends. I was irritated by how full of simplified certainties she was, and I knew that she thought I behaved like an irresponsible, vaguely foreign teen-ager: wearing my hair in a natural low-cut, smoking cigarettes right in front of the building, where everyone could see, and refusing to join in the prayer sessions our boss led after Monday meetings. I would not have told her about my lover—I did not tell her about my personal life—but she was there when he first walked into our office, a lean, dark man with a purple tie and a moneyed manner. He was full of the glossy self-regard of men who shrugged off their importance in a way that only emphasized it. Our boss shook his hand with both hands and said, “Welcome, sir, it is good to see you, sir, how are you doing, sir, please come and sit down, sir.” Chikwado was there when he looked at me and I looked at him and then he smiled, of all things, a warm, open smile. She heard when he said to our boss, “My family lives in America,” a little too loudly, for my benefit, with that generic foreign accent of the worldly Nigerian, which, I would discover later, disappeared when he became truly animated about something. She saw him walk over and give me his business card. She was there, a few days later, when his driver came to deliver a gift bag. Because she had seen, and because I was swamped with emotions that I could not name for a man I knew was wrong for me, I showed her the perfume and the card that said, “I am thinking of you.”

“Na wa! Look at how your eyes are shining because of a married man. You need deliverance prayers,” Chikwado said, half joking. She went to night-vigil services often, at different churches, but all with the theme Finding Your God-Given Mate; she would come to work the next morning sleepy, the whites of her eyes flecked with red, but already planning to attend another service. She was thirty-two and tottering under the weight of her desire: to settle down. It was all she talked about. It was all our female co-workers talked about when we had lunch at the cafeteria. Yewande is wasting her time with that man—he is not ready to settle down. Please ask him oh, if he does not see marriage in the future then you better look elsewhere; nobody is getting any younger. Ekaete is lucky, just six months and she is already engaged. While they talked, I would look out the window, high up above Lagos, at the acres of rusted roofs, at the rise and fall of hope in this city full of tarnished angels.

Even my lover spoke of this desire. “You’ll want to settle down soon,” he said. “I just want you to know I’m not going to stand in your way.” We were naked in bed; it was our first time. A feather from the pillow was stuck in his hair, and I had just picked it out and showed it to him. I could not believe, in the aftermath of what had just happened, both of us still flush from each other’s warmth, how easily the words rolled out of his mouth. “I’m not like other men, who think they can dominate your life and not let you move forward,” he continued, propping himself up on his elbow to look at me. He was telling me that he played the game better than others, while I had not yet conceived of the game itself. From the moment I met him, I had had the sensation of possibility, but for him the path was already closed, had indeed never been open; there was no room for things to sweep in and disrupt.

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