5. Ma sí liáu, Pa lāu chin kín
Ma sí liáu, Pa lāu kah chin kín. Chhù tùi i siuⁿ tōa, tio̍h kā bē tiāu. Goán lú-pêng-iú Susan hām góa lâi pang i khoán-pau, piàⁿ-sàu.
Susan tī lâu-kông hoat-hiān ê-a̍p-á. Hiah-ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t-á chhàng tī bô keh-joa̍h ê lâu-kông o͘-àm tiong hiah kú, í-keng piàn kah chin chhè, chhiⁿ-chhioh ê pau-chong chóa tô͘-iūⁿ í-keng thè-sek.
"Góa m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe chit-khoán ê origami," Susan kóng. "Lín mama sī chi̍t-ê liáu-put-khí ê gē-su̍t-ka."
Chiah-ê chóa tōng-bu̍t bē tín-tāng. Hoān-sè tī Ma sí liáu, hō͘ in oa̍h-thiàu ê bó͘-chióng mô͘-hoat thêng-chí ah. A̍h sī, hoān-sè he chí-sī góa ê sióng-siōng, siūⁿ-kóng chiah-ê chóa ê ki-koan sī oa̍h ê. Gín-á sî ê kì-tî bē-sìn-tit.
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He sī sì-goe̍h tē-it ê chiu-boa̍t, Ma kòe-sin 2 nî āu. Susan chhut siâⁿ chò yi he koán-lí kò͘-būn kiâⁿ bē-liáu ê hêng-têng, góa tī chhù, lán-lán teh se̍h TV pîn-tō.
Góa thêng tī chi̍t-ê iú-koan soa-hî ê kì-lo̍k phìⁿ. Hut-jiân, tī sim-nih góa khòaⁿ tio̍h Ma ê siang-chhiú teh áu siah-chóa, áu chi̍t-bóe soa-hî hō͘ góa, Laohu hām góa tī piⁿ-á khòaⁿ.
Chi̍t-chūn sa-sa ê siaⁿ. Góa gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-oân pau-chong chóa kap liah-khui ê ka-pò͘ tī chheh-tû piⁿ ê tē-pán téng. Góa kiâⁿ kòe, boeh kā khioh-ji̍p pùn-sò tháng.
Chóa-oân liàn chi̍t-ē, ka-tī thián-khui, góa hoat-hiān he sī Laohu, góa í-keng chin kú bô siūⁿ tio̍h i ah. "Rawrr-sa." Ma tiāⁿ-tio̍h tī góa hòng-khì liáu koh kā kô͘ hó-sè.
I pí góa kì-tî tiong ê khah sè. A̍h sī, hoān-sè in-ūi hit-sî góa ê kûn-thâu-bú khah sè.
Susan kā chiah-ê chóa tōng-bu̍t khǹg tī goán ê kong-gū chò chong-sek. Yi hoān-sè kā Laohu khǹg tī chi̍t-ê khah iap-thiap ê só͘-chāi, in-ūi i khòaⁿ tio̍h chin làu-chhē.
Góa chē lo̍h tē-pán, chhun chhut chi̍t-ki chéng-thâu-á. Laohu ê bóe tiuh chi̍t-ē, hèng chhih-chhih pà kòe-lâi. Góa chhiò chhut-lâi, ná phok i ê kha-chiah-phiaⁿ. Laohu tī góa ê chhiú-ē chhut hm̄-siaⁿ.
"Lí kīn-lâi hó bô, lāu-hiaⁿ?"
Laohu thêng-chí chò-sńg. I khiā khí-lâi, kō͘ niau-á ê iu-ngá chu-sè thiàu kàu góa ê kha-thúi téng, koh thián-khui ka-tī."
Tī góa ê kha-thúi téng sī chi̍t-tiuⁿ jiâu-jiâu ê pau-chong chóa, té-bīn hiòng téng-koân. Hit-bīn ū ba̍t-ba̍t ê Hàn-jī. Góa m̄-bat o̍h Hàn-jī, m̄-koh góa ē-jīn-tit "koai-kiáⁿ" chit nn̄g jī, siá tī siōng téng-koân, tō ná-chhiūⁿ lí chiap tio̍h ê phe siá lí ê miâ ê ūi, he sī Ma siá ê jī, oai-oai chhōa-chhōa ná chhiūⁿ gín-á siá ê.
Góa khì kō͘ tiān-náu chhâ Internet. Kin-á-ji̍t sī Chheng-bêng.
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Góa chah hit-tiuⁿ phe khì chhī tiong-sim, góa chai hia ū thêng China lâi ê lí-hêng-thoân bus. Tú tio̍h iû-kheh, góa tō kā mn̄g, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" Lí ē-hiáu tha̍k China-bûn bô? Góa í-keng chin kú bô kóng China-ōe, góa bô khak-tēng in kám thiaⁿ-ū.
Chi̍t-ê siàu-liân cha-bó͘ goān-ì tàu saⁿ-kāng. Goán tâng-chê chē tī chi̍t-tè tn̂g-í, yi tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k phe hō͘ góa thiaⁿ. Kúi-nî lâi góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh kā pàng bē-kì ê gí-giân koh tńg-lâi ah, góa kám-kak hiah-ê ōe tîm-ji̍p góa ê thé-lāi, thàu-kòe góa ê phôe-hu, thàu-kòe góa ê kut-thâu, it-ti̍t kàu in ân-ân chiⁿ tī góa ê sim-koaⁿ.
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Koai-kiáⁿ,
Lán chin kú bô kóng-ōe ah. Kìⁿ nā góa boeh bong lí, lí tō hiah-nī siū-khì, hō͘ góa ē kiaⁿ. Góa siūⁿ, góa it-ti̍t kám-kak ê thòng-khó͘ hoān-sè sī chin giâm-tiōng ah.
Só͘-í, góa koat-tēng kō͘ siá ê hō͘ lí chai. Góa boeh kā siá tī góa chò hō͘ lí ê chóa tōng-bu̍t nih, he lí kòe-khì chin kah-ì.
Góa tn̄g-khùi liáu, chiah-ê tōng-bu̍t mā bē koh tín-tāng. M̄-koh, góa nā choân-sim siá hō͘ lí, góa tō ē-tàng lâu chi̍t pō͘-hūn ê góa tī chit-tiuⁿ chóa, tī chiah-ê jī. Chū án-ne, lí nā tī Chheng-bêng siūⁿ tio̍h góa, hit-sî sí-chiá ê lêng-hûn ē-tit thàm-bōng chhù-nih ê lâng, lí tō ē-tàng hō͘ góa lâu hō͘ lí ê hit pō͘-hūn koh oa̍h khí-lâi. Góa chò hō͘ lí ê tōng-bu̍t tō ē koh oa̍h-thiàu, cháu-tāng, hop-phok, hit-sî hoān-sè lí tio̍h ē khòaⁿ tio̍h chiah-ê jī ah.
In-ūi góa tio̍h kō͘ choân-sim lâi siá, góa su-iàu kō͘ China-bûn siá hō͘ lí.
Chiah kú í-lâi, góa iáu m̄-bat kā lí kóng góa ê sin-sè. Lí sè-hàn ê sî, góa it-ti̍t teh siūⁿ, tán lí khah tōa-hàn, chiah kā lí kóng chit-ê kò͘-sū, án-ne lí tō ē liáu-kái. M̄-koh, hit-ê ki-hoe it-ti̍t bô lâi.
Góa chhut-sì tī 1957 nî, tī Hebei Séng ê Sigulu Chhun. Lín akong amá lóng chhut-sin sàn-chhiah ka-têng, chhin-chiâⁿ chin chió. Góa chhut-sì bô kúi tang, China tú tio̍h tōa ki-hng, sí-bông 3,000 bān lâng. Góa ê tē-it ê kì-tî sī, chhéⁿ lâi khòaⁿ tio̍h lāu-bú teh chia̍h thô͘ chí-iau, thang kā chi̍t-sut-á mī-hún lâu hō͘ góa.
Āu-lâi, tāi-chì ū khah hó. Sigulu ê áu-chóa gē-su̍t chin ū-miâ, goán lāu-bú kà góa chò áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t, koh hù hō͘ in sèⁿ-miā. Che sī chng-nih ê si̍t-iōng mô͘-hoat. Goán kō͘ chóa chò chiáu-á khì kóaⁿ chhân nih ê chháu-meh, mā chò chóa hó͘ khì kóaⁿ niáu-chhí. Kòe China Sin-nî ê sî, góa hām gín-á phōaⁿ chò âng-sek ê chóa liông. Góa éng-oán ē-kì-tit hiah-ê sè-sè ê liông tī thâu-khak téng poe, kòa chi̍t-kōaⁿ chi̍t-kōaⁿ teh pōng ê phàu-á, kā kòe-khì hit-nî só͘-ū ê pháiⁿ kì-tî kóaⁿ cháu. Lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā ē kah-ì che.
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5. Ma 死了, Pa 老真緊
Ma 死了, Pa 老 kah 真緊. 厝對伊 siuⁿ 大, 著 kā 賣掉. 阮女朋友 Susan 和我來幫伊款包, 拚掃.
Susan tī 樓栱發現鞋盒仔. Hiah-ê 拗紙動物仔藏 tī 無隔熱 ê 樓栱烏暗中 hiah 久, 已經變 kah 真脆, 鮮沢 ê 包裝紙圖樣已經退色.
"我毋捌看過這款 ê origami," Susan 講. "恁 mama 是一个了不起 ê 藝術家."
Chiah-ê 紙動物袂振動. 凡勢 tī Ma 死了, 予 in 活跳 ê 某種魔法停止 ah. A̍h 是, 凡勢彼只是我 ê 想像, siūⁿ 講 chiah-ê 紙 ê 機關是活 ê. 囡仔時 ê 記持袂信得.
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彼是四月第一个週末, Ma 過身 2 年後. Susan 出城做她 he 管理顧問袂了 ê 行程, 我 tī 厝, 懶懶 teh 踅 TV 頻道.
我停 tī 一个有關鯊魚 ê 紀錄片. 忽然, tī 心 nih 我看著 Ma ê 雙手 teh 拗錫紙, 拗一尾鯊魚予我, Laohu 和我 tī 邊仔看.
一陣 sa-sa ê 聲. 我攑目看著一丸包裝紙 kap 裂開 ê 膠布 tī 冊櫥邊 ê 地板頂. 我行過, 欲 kā 抾入糞埽桶.
紙丸輾一下, 家治展開, 我發現彼是 Laohu, 我已經真久無想著伊 ah. "Rawrr-sa." Ma 定著 tī 我放棄了 koh kā 糊好勢.
伊比我記持中 ê 較細. A̍h 是, 凡勢因為彼時我 ê 拳頭母較細.
Susan kā chiah-ê 紙動物囥 tī 阮 ê 公寓做裝飾. 她凡勢 kā Laohu 囥 tī 一个較揜貼 ê 所在, 因為伊看著真 làu-chhē.
我坐落地板, 伸出一支指頭仔. Laohu ê 尾搐一下, 興 chhih-chhih 霸過來. 我笑出來, ná 撲伊 ê 尻脊骿. Laohu tī 我 ê 手下出 hm̄ 聲.
"你近來好無, 老兄?"
Laohu 停止做耍. 伊徛起來, kō͘ 貓仔 ê 優雅姿勢跳到我 ê 跤腿頂, koh 展開家治."
Tī 我 ê 跤腿頂是一張皺皺 ê 包裝紙, 底面向頂懸. 彼面有密密 ê 漢字. 我毋捌學漢字, 毋過我會認得 "乖囝" 這兩字, 寫 tī 上頂懸, tō ná 像你接著 ê 批寫你 ê 名 ê 位, 彼是 Ma 寫 ê 字, 歪歪 chhoa̍h-chhoa̍h ná 像囡仔寫 ê.
我去 kō͘ 電腦查 Internet. 今仔日是清明.
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我扎彼張批去市中心, 我知 hia 有停 China 來 ê 旅行團 bus. 拄著遊客, 我 tō kā 問, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" 你會曉讀 China 文無? 我已經真久無講 China 話, 我無確定 in 敢聽有.
一个少年查某願意鬥相共. 阮同齊坐 tī 一塊長椅, 她大聲讀批予我聽. 幾年來我一直想欲 kā 放袂記 ê 語言 koh 轉來 ah, 我感覺 hiah-ê 話沉入我 ê 體內, 透過我 ê 皮膚, 透過我 ê 骨頭, 一直到 in 絚絚櫼 tī 我 ê 心肝.
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乖囝,
咱真久無講話 ah. 見若我欲摸你, 你 tō hiah-nī 受氣, 予我會驚. 我想, 我一直感覺 ê 痛苦凡勢是真嚴重 ah.
所以, 我決定 kō͘ 寫 ê 予你知. 我欲 kā 寫 tī 我做予你 ê 紙動物 nih, 彼你過去真佮意.
我斷氣了, chiah-ê 動物 mā 袂 koh 振動. 毋過, 我若全心寫予你, 我 tō 會當留一部份 ê 我 tī 這張紙, tī chiah-ê 字. 自 án-ne, 你若 tī 清明想著我, 彼時死者 ê 靈魂會得探望厝 nih ê 人, 你 tō 會當予我留予你 ê 彼部份 koh 活起來. 我做予你 ê 動物 tō 會 koh 活跳, 走動, 欱撲, 彼時凡勢你著會看著 chiah-ê 字 ah.
因為我著 kō͘ 全心來寫, 我需要 kō͘ China 文寫予你.
Chiah 久以來, 我猶毋捌 kā 你講我 ê 身世. 你細漢 ê 時, 我一直 teh 想, 等你較大漢, 才 kā 你講這个故事, án-ne 你 tō 會了解. 毋過, 彼个機會一直無來.
我出世 tī 1957 年, tī Hebei 省 ê Sigulu 村. 恁阿公阿媽攏出身散赤家庭, 親情真少. 我出世無幾冬, China 拄著大飢荒, 死亡 3,000 萬人. 我 ê 第一个記持是, 醒來看著老母 teh 食塗止枵, 通 kā 一屑仔麵粉留予我.
後來, 代誌有較好. Sigulu ê 拗紙藝術真有名, 阮老母教我做拗紙動物, koh 賦予 in 性命. 這是庄 nih ê 實用魔法. 阮 kō͘ 紙做鳥仔去趕田 nih ê 草蜢, mā 做紙虎去趕鳥鼠. 過 China 新年 ê 時, 我和囡仔伴做紅色 ê 紙龍. 我永遠會記得 hiah-ê 細細 ê 龍 tī 頭殼頂飛, 掛一捾一捾 teh 碰 ê 炮仔, kā 過去彼年所有 ê 歹記持趕走. 你定著 mā 會佮意這.
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5.
Dad aged rapidly after Mom died. The house was too big for him and had to be sold. My girlfriend Susan and I went to help him pack and clean the place.
Susan found the shoebox in the attic. The paper menagerie, hidden in the uninsulated darkness of the attic for so long, had become brittle and the bright wrapping paper patterns had faded.
"I've never seen origami like this," Susan said. "Your Mom was an amazing artist."
The paper animals did not move. Perhaps whatever magic had animated them stopped when Mom died. Or perhaps I had only imagined that these paper constructions were once alive. The memory of children could not be trusted.
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It was the first weekend in April, two years after Mom's death. Susan was out of town on one of her endless trips as a management consultant and I was home, lazily flipping through the TV channels.
I paused at a documentary about sharks. Suddenly I saw, in my mind, Mom's hands, as they folded and refolded tin foil to make a shark for me, while Laohu and I watched.
A rustle. I looked up and saw that a ball of wrapping paper and torn tape was on the floor next to the bookshelf. I walked over to pick it up for the trash.
The ball of paper shifted, unfurled itself, and I saw that it was Laohu, who I hadn't thought about in a very long time. "Rawrr-sa." Mom must have put him back together after I had given up.
He was smaller than I remembered. Or maybe it was just that back then my fists were smaller.
Susan had put the paper animals around our apartment as decoration. She probably left Laohu in a pretty hidden corner because he looked so shabby.
I sat down on the floor, and reached out a finger. Laohu's tail twitched, and he pounced playfully. I laughed, stroking his back. Laohu purred under my hand.
"How've you been, old buddy?"
Laohu stopped playing. He got up, jumped with feline grace into my lap, and proceeded to unfold himself.
In my lap was a square of creased wrapping paper, the plain side up. It was filled with dense Chinese characters. I had never learned to read Chinese, but I knew the characters for son, and they were at the top, where you'd expect them in a letter addressed to you, written in Mom's awkward, childish handwriting.
I went to the computer to check the Internet. Today was Qingming.
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I took the letter with me downtown, where I knew the Chinese tour buses stopped. I stopped every tourist, asking, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" Can you read Chinese? I hadn't spoken Chinese in so long that I wasn't sure if they understood.
A young woman agreed to help. We sat down on a bench together, and she read the letter to me aloud. The language that I had tried to forget for years came back, and I felt the words sinking into me, through my skin, through my bones, until they squeezed tight around my heart.
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Son,
We haven't talked in a long time. You are so angry when I try to touch you that I'm afraid. And I think maybe this pain I feel all the time now is something serious.
So I decided to write to you. I'm going to write in the paper animals I made for you that you used to like so much.
The animals will stop moving when I stop breathing. But if I write to you with all my heart, I'll leave a little of myself behind on this paper, in these words. Then, if you think of me on Qingming, when the spirits of the departed are allowed to visit their families, you'll make the parts of myself I leave behind come alive too. The creatures I made for you will again leap and run and pounce, and maybe you'll get to see these words then.
Because I have to write with all my heart, I need to write to you in Chinese.
All this time I still haven't told you the story of my life. When you were little, I always thought I'd tell you the story when you were older, so you could understand. But somehow that chance never came up.
I was born in 1957, in Sigulu Village, Hebei Province. Your grandparents were both from very poor peasant families with few relatives. Only a few years after I was born, the Great Famines struck China, during which thirty million people died. The first memory I have was waking up to see my mother eating dirt so that she could fill her belly and leave the last bit of flour for me.
Things got better after that. Sigulu is famous for its zhezhi papercraft, and my mother taught me how to make paper animals and give them life. This was practical magic in the life of the village. We made paper birds to chase grasshoppers away from the fields, and paper tigers to keep away the mice. For Chinese New Year my friends and I made red paper dragons. I'll never forget the sight of all those little dragons zooming across the sky overhead, holding up strings of exploding firecrackers to scare away all the bad memories of the past year. You would have loved it.
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