6. Koai-kiáⁿ, lí ná m̄ hām góa kóng-ōe?
Āu-lâi, tī 1966 nî hoat-seng Bûn-hòa Tōa Kek-bēng. Chhù-piⁿ piàⁿ chhù-piⁿ, hiaⁿ-tī hāi hiaⁿ-tī. Ū-lâng kì-khí goán lāu-bú ê sió-tī chá tī 1946 nî khì Hong Kong, tī hia chò seng-lí. Ū chhin-chiâⁿ tī Hong Kong, tāi-piáu goán sī kàn-tia̍p, sī jîn-bîn ê te̍k-jîn, goán tio̍h bīn-tùi kok-chióng ê tàu-cheng. Lín khó-liân ê amá -- bē kham-tit siū ge̍k-thāi, tō thiàu-chéⁿ chū-sat. Āu-lâi, kúi-ê chah la̍h-chhèng ê siàu-liân-ke thoa lín akong ji̍p chhiū-nâ, choăn i bô koh tńg-lâi.
Chū án-ne, góa chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê 10 hòe ê ko͘-jî. Góa tī sè-kài siōng ûi-it ê chhin-chiâⁿ tō sī tī Hong Kong ê akū. Chi̍t-àm, góa liu chhut-lâi, peh chiūⁿ óng-lâm ê chi̍t-lia̍t hòe-bu̍t-á hóe-chhia.
Kúi-kang liáu-āu, lâi kàu Guangdong Séng, kúi-ê lâng lia̍h tio̍h góa thau chia̍h hn̂g-nih ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Thiaⁿ kóng góa boeh khì Hong Kong, in lóng chhiò chhut-lâi. "Lí chiâⁿ hó-ūn. Goán choan-bûn chò chhōa chă gín-á khì Hong Kong ê seng-lí."
In kā góa chhàng tī chi̍t-tâi traku ē-té, hām kî-thaⁿ cha-bó͘ gín-á, kā goán cháu-su chhut pian-kài.
Goán hông chhōa lâi chi̍t-ê tē-hā-sek, kiò goán khiā khí-lâi, tio̍h hō͘ lâi bé ê lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h kiāⁿ koh khiáu. Chi̍t-kóa ka-têng hù-chîⁿ hō͘ chhng-khò͘, ji̍p-lâi khòaⁿ goán, ùi goán tiong-kan kéng chi̍t-ê khì "niá-ióng."
Chin ka kéng góa lâi khòaⁿ-kò͘ in nn̄g-ê kiáⁿ. Góa ta̍k-kang 4 tiám khí-lâi khoán chá-tǹg. Góa kā hit nn̄g-ê gín-á chhī-pn̄g, sé sin-khu. Góa khì bé chhài. Góa sé-saⁿ, sàu thô͘-kha. Góa kā gín-á tòe tiâu-tiâu, thiaⁿ in ê hoan-hù. Àm-sî, góa hông só tī chàu-kha ê chi̍t-ê tû-á nih khùn. Góa nā siuⁿ bān, a̍h sī chò m̄-tio̍h, góa ē hông phah. Nn̄g-ê gín-á nā ū chò siáⁿ m̄-tio̍h, hông phah ê sī góa. Góa nā hông lia̍h tio̍h siūⁿ boeh o̍h Eng-gí, tō ē hông phah.
"Sī án-nóa lí siūⁿ boeh o̍h Eng-gí?" Chin Ss mn̄g. "Lí siūⁿ boeh chhōe kéng-chhat? Goán ē kā kéng-chhat kóng lí sī hui-hoat lâi Hong Kong ê tāi-lio̍k lâng. In tio̍h ē kā lí koaiⁿ ji̍p kàm-ga̍k."
Góa án-ne seng-oa̍h 6-nî. Chi̍t-kang, chi̍t-ê tī chá-chhī bē hî hō͘ góa ê lāu cha-bó͘-lâng kā góa khiú kàu piⁿ-á.
"Góa chai lí chit-khoán chă gín-á. Lí taⁿ kúi-hòe ah, 16? Ū chi̍t-kang, lín thâu-ke ē lim chiú-chùi, i ē kim-kim khòaⁿ lí, kā lí khiú kòe khì, lí bô hoat-tō͘ kā chó͘-tòng. In bó͘ ē hoat-hiān, chū án-ne lí ē kám-kak ka-tī lâi kàu tē-ga̍k. Lí tio̍h lī-khui chit-chióng seng-oa̍h. Góa chai ū-lâng ē-tàng tàu saⁿ-kāng."
Yi kóng, ū chi̍t-kóa Bí-kok cha-po͘ siūⁿ boeh chhōa Asia cha-bó͘. Chí-iàu góa ē-hiáu chú-chia̍h, piàⁿ-sàu, kap chiàu-kò͘ goán ê Bi-kok ang, i tō ē-tàng hō͘ góa chi̍t-ê chin hó ê seng-oa̍h. Che sī góa ûi-it ê hi-bāng. Tō sī án-ne, góa chham tio̍h hiah-ê pe̍h-chha̍t-ōe chhut-hiān tī hit-ê bo̍k-lo̍k, koh tú tio̍h lín lāu-pē. Che m̄-sī siáⁿ romantic kò͘-sū, m̄-koh sī góa chin-si̍t ê kò͘-sū.
Tī Connecticut ê kau-gōa, góa chin ko͘-toaⁿ. Lín lāu-pē tùi góa chin jîn-chû, un-hô, góa chin kám-siā i. M̄-koh, bô lâng liáu-kái góa, góa siáⁿ lóng m̄-chai.
Lo̍h-bóe, lí chhut-sì ah! Góa khòaⁿ lí ê bīn, khòaⁿ tio̍h goán lāu-bú, goán lāu-pē, kap góa ka-tī ê iáⁿ, góa chin-chiàⁿ hoaⁿ-hí. Góa í-keng sit-khì góa choân-pō͘ ê ka-têng, sit-khì kui-ê Sigulu, sit-khì góa só͘ chai-iáⁿ, só͘ ài ê it-chhè. M̄-koh, ū lí tī leh, lí ê bīn chèng-bêng hiah-ê sī chin-si̍t ê. Hiah-ê m̄-sī góa pian chhut-lâi ê.
Taⁿ, góa ū chi̍t-ê kóng-ōe ê tùi-siōng. Góa ē kà lí góa ê gí-giân, lán ē-tàng chò-hóe kā góa só͘ kah-ì ê kap só͘ sit-khì ê ta̍k-hāng sió mi̍h-kiāⁿ koh chò tńg-lâi. Lí tùi góa kóng-chhut lí ê tē-it kù ōe, kō͘ hām goán lāu-bú mā hām góa kāng siaⁿ-tiāu ê China-ōe, góa kám-sim kah háu kúi-ā tiám-cheng. Góa chò tē-it ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t hō͘ lí ê sî, lí chhiò chhut-lâi, góa kám-kak sè-kài bô siáⁿ su-iàu chhau-hoân ah lah.
Lí khah tōa-hàn ah, taⁿ lí sīm-chì ē-tàng tàu kha-chhiú hō͘ lín lāu-pē hām góa hō͘-siong kau-tâm. Taⁿ góa kám-kak che sī chin-chiàⁿ ê ka-têng ah. Góa chin-chiàⁿ ū chhōe-tio̍h hó ê seng-oa̍h. Góa siūⁿ, goán pē-bú nā ē-tàng tī chia, góa tō ē-tàng ūi in chú-pn̄g, mā hō͘ in ū hó ê seng-oa̍h lah. M̄-koh, góa pē-bú í-keng bô tī-leh ah. Lí kám chai-iáⁿ, China-lâng jīn-ûi sè-kài siōng tē-it siong-sim ê tāi-chì sī siáⁿ? He tō sī, gín-á chiong-kî-bóe ū ì-goān boeh chiàu-kò͘ pē-bú, soah hoat-hiān pē-bú chá tō bô tī sè-kan ah lah.
Koai-kiáⁿ, góa chai lí bô kah-ì lí ê China ba̍k-chiu, he mā sī góa ê ba̍k-chiu. Góa chai, lí bô kah-ì lí ê China thâu-chang, he mā sī góa ê thâu-chang. M̄-koh, lí kám ē-tàng liáu-kái, lí só͘ chûn-chāi ê it-chhè, hō͘ góa gōa tōa ê hoaⁿ-hí bô? Lí kám ē-tàng liáu-kái, lí m̄ koh kap góa kóng-ōe, mā m̄-chún góa hām lí kóng China-ōe, góa ê kám-kak sī án-nóa? Góa kám-kak, góa iū-koh teh sit-khì it-chhè ah lah.
Koai-kiáⁿ, lí ná m̄ hām góa kóng-ōe? Chit-chióng thòng-khó͘ hō͘ góa siá bē lo̍h-pit ah.
==
#
Hit-ê sió-chiá kā chóa koh hêng góa. Góa bô-bīn gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ yi.
Ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ-kē, góa chhiáⁿ yi tī Ma ê phe ē-bīn siá ai chit-ê Hàn-jī. Góa chi̍t-piàn koh chi̍t-piàn tī chóa téng-bīn o̍h siá hit-ê jī, kā góa ê jī kap yi siá ê ōe kau-chhap chò-hóe.
Hit-ê sió-chiá chhun-chhiú phok góa ê keng-thâu. Jiân-āu yi khiā khí-lâi, lī-khui, lâu góa ka-tī hām goán lāu-bú tī hia.
Tòe goân-lâi ê áu-hûn, góa koh kā chóa áu tò-tńg Laohu. Góa kā phō tī chhiú-khiau, i ná teh chhut hm̄ siaⁿ ê sî, góa khai-sí kiâⁿ tńg chhù.
(Soah)
--
6. 乖囝, 你那 m̄ 和我講話?
後來, tī 1966 年發生文化大革命. 厝邊拚厝邊, 兄弟害兄弟. 有人記起阮老母 ê 小弟早 tī 1946 年去 Hong Kong, tī hia 做生理. 有親情 tī Hong Kong, 代表阮是間諜, 是人民 ê 敵人, 阮著面對各種 ê 鬥爭. 恁可憐 ê 阿媽 -- 袂堪得受虐待, tō 跳井自殺. 後來, 幾个扎獵銃 ê 少年家拖恁阿公入樹林, choăn伊無 koh 轉來.
自 án-ne, 我成做一个 10 歲 ê 孤兒. 我 tī 世界上唯一 ê 親情就是 tī Hong Kong ê 阿舅. 一暗, 我溜出來, peh 上往南 ê 一列貨物仔火車.
幾工了後, 來到 Guangdong 省, 幾个人掠著我偷食園 nih ê 物件. 聽講我欲去 Hong Kong, in 攏笑出來. "你誠好運. 阮專門做 chhōa chă 囡仔去 Hong Kong ê 生理."
In kā 我藏 tī 一台 traku 下底, 和其他查某囡仔, kā 阮走私出邊界.
阮 hông chhōa 來一个地下室, 叫阮徛起來, 著予來買 ê 人看著健 koh 巧. 一寡家庭付錢予倉庫, 入來看阮, ùi 阮中間揀一个去 "領養."
Chin 家揀我來看顧 in 兩个囝. 我逐工 4 點起來款早頓. 我 kā 彼兩个囡仔飼飯, 洗身軀. 我去買菜. 我洗衫, 掃塗跤. 我 kā 囡仔綴牢牢, 聽 in ê 吩咐. 暗時, 我 hông 鎖 tī 灶跤 ê 一个櫥仔 nih 睏. 我若 siuⁿ 慢, a̍h 是做毋著, 我會 hông 拍. 兩个囡仔若有做啥毋著, hông 拍 ê 是我. 我若 hông 掠著想欲學英語, tō 會 hông 拍.
"是按怎你想欲學英語?" Chin Ss 問. "你想欲揣警察? 阮會 kā 警察講你是非法來 Hong Kong ê 大陸人. In 著會 kā 你關入監獄."
我 án-ne 生活 6 年. 一工, 一个 tī 早市賣魚予我 ê 老查某人 kā 我搝到邊仔.
"我知你這款 chă 囡仔. 你今幾歲 ah, 16? 有一工, 恁頭家會啉酒醉, 伊會金金看你, kā 你搝過去, 你無法度 kā 阻擋. In 某會發現, 自 án-ne 你會感覺家治來到地獄. 你著離開這種生活. 我知有人會當鬥相共."
她講, 有一寡美國查埔想欲娶 Asia 查某. 只要我會曉煮食, 拚掃, kap 照顧阮 ê 美國翁, 伊 tō 會當予我一个真好 ê 生活. 這是我唯一 ê 希望. 就是 án-ne, 我參著 hiah-ê 白賊話出現 tī 彼个目錄, koh 拄著恁老爸. 這毋是啥 romantic 故事, 毋過是我真實 ê 故事.
Tī Connecticut ê 郊外, 我真孤單. 恁老爸對我真仁慈, 溫和, 我真感謝伊. 毋過, 無人了解我, 我啥攏毋知.
落尾, 你出世 ah! 我看你 ê 面, 看著阮老母, 阮老爸, kap 我家治 ê 影, 我真正歡喜. 我已經失去我全部 ê 家庭, 失去規个 Sigulu, 失去我所知影, 所愛 ê 一切. 毋過, 有你 tī leh, 你 ê 面證明 hiah-ê 是真實 ê. Hiah-ê 毋是我編出來 ê.
今, 我有一个講話 ê 對象. 我會教你我 ê 語言, 咱會當做伙 kā 我所佮意 ê kap 所失去 ê 逐項小物件 koh 做轉來. 你對我講出你 ê 第一句話, kō͘ 和阮老母 mā 和我仝聲調 ê China 話, 我感心 kah 吼幾若點鐘. 我做第一个拗紙動物予你 ê 時, 你笑出來, 我感覺世界無啥需要操煩 ah lah.
你較大漢 ah, 今你甚至會當鬥跤手予恁老爸和我互相交談. 今我感覺這是真正 ê 家庭 ah. 我真正有揣著好 ê 生活. 我想, 阮爸母若會當 tī chia, 我 tō 會當為 in 煮飯, mā 予 in 有好 ê 生活 lah. 毋過, 我爸母已經無 tī-leh ah. 你敢知影, China 人認為世界上第一傷心 ê 代誌是啥? 彼 tō 是, 囡仔終其尾有意願欲照顧爸母, 煞發現爸母早 tō 無 tī 世間 ah lah.
乖囝, 我知你無佮意你 ê China 目睭, 彼 mā 是我 ê 目睭. 我知, 你無佮意你 ê China 頭鬃, 彼 mā 是我 ê 頭鬃. 毋過, 你敢會當了解, 你所存在 ê 一切, 予我偌大 ê 歡喜無? 你敢會當了解, 你毋 koh kap 我講話, mā 毋准我和你講 China 話, 我 ê 感覺是按怎? 我感覺, 我又閣 teh 失去一切 ah lah.
乖囝, 你那 m̄ 和我講話? 這種痛苦予我寫袂落筆 ah.
==
#
彼个小姐 kā 紙 koh 還我. 我無面攑目看她.
目睭看低, 我請她 tī Ma ê 批下面寫 ai 這个漢字. 我一遍 koh 一遍 tī 紙頂面學寫彼个字, kā 我 ê 字 kap 她寫 ê 話交插做伙.
彼个小姐伸手撲我 ê 肩頭. 然後她徛起來, 離開, 留我家治和阮老母 tī hia.
綴原來 ê 拗痕, 我 koh kā 紙拗倒轉 Laohu. 我 kā 抱 tī 手曲, 伊 ná teh 出 hm̄ 聲 ê 時, 我開始行轉厝.
(煞)
--
6.
Then came the Cultural Revolution in 1966. Neighbor turned on neighbor, and brother against brother. Someone remembered that my mother's brother, my uncle, had left for Hong Kong back in 1946, and became a merchant there. Having a relative in Hong Kong meant we were spies and enemies of the people, and we had to be struggled against in every way. Your poor grandmother — she couldn't take the abuse and threw herself down a well. Then some boys with hunting muskets dragged your grandfather away one day into the woods, and he never came back.
There I was, a ten-year-old orphan. The only relative I had in the world was my uncle in Hong Kong. I snuck away one night and climbed onto a freight train going south.
Down in Guangdong Province a few days later, some men caught me stealing food from a field. When they heard that I was trying to get to Hong Kong, they laughed. "It's your lucky day. Our trade is to bring girls to Hong Kong."
They hid me in the bottom of a truck along with other girls, and smuggled us across the border.
We were taken to a basement and told to stand up and look healthy and intelligent for the buyers. Families paid the warehouse a fee and came by to look us over and select one of us to "adopt."
The Chin family picked me to take care of their two boys. I got up every morning at four to prepare breakfast. I fed and bathed the boys. I shopped for food. I did the laundry and swept the floors. I followed the boys around and did their bidding. At night I was locked into a cupboard in the kitchen to sleep. If I was slow or did anything wrong I was beaten. If the boys did anything wrong I was beaten. If I was caught trying to learn English I was beaten.
"Why do you want to learn English?" Mr. Chin asked. "You want to go to the police? We'll tell the police that you are a mainlander illegally in Hong Kong. They'd love to have you in their prison."
Six years I lived like this. One day, an old woman who sold fish to me in the morning market pulled me aside.
"I know girls like you. How old are you now, sixteen? One day, the man who owns you will get drunk, and he'll look at you and pull you to him and you can't stop him. The wife will find out, and then you will think you really have gone to hell. You have to get out of this life. I know someone who can help."
She told me about American men who wanted Asian wives. If I can cook, clean, and take care of my American husband, he'll give me a good life. It was the only hope I had. And that was how I got into the catalog with all those lies and met your father. It is not a very romantic story, but it is my story.
In the suburbs of Connecticut, I was lonely. Your father was kind and gentle with me, and I was very grateful to him. But no one understood me, and I understood nothing.
But then you were born! I was so happy when I looked into your face and saw shades of my mother, my father, and myself. I had lost my entire family, all of Sigulu, everything I ever knew and loved. But there you were, and your face was proof that they were real. I hadn't made them up.
Now I had someone to talk to. I would teach you my language, and we could together remake a small piece of everything that I loved and lost. When you said your first words to me, in Chinese that had the same accent as my mother and me, I cried for hours. When I made the first zhezhi animals for you, and you laughed, I felt there were no worries in the world.
You grew up a little, and now you could even help your father and I talk to each other. I was really at home now. I finally found a good life. I wished my parents could be here, so that I could cook for them, and give them a good life too. But my parents were no longer around. You know what the Chinese think is the saddest feeling in the world? It's for a child to finally grow the desire to take care of his parents, only to realize that they were long gone.
Son, I know that you do not like your Chinese eyes, which are my eyes. I know that you do not like your Chinese hair, which is my hair. But can you understand how much joy your very existence brought to me? And can you understand how it felt when you stopped talking to me and won't let me talk to you in Chinese? I felt I was losing everything all over again.
Why won't you talk to me, son? The pain makes it hard to write.
==
#
The young woman handed the paper back to me. I could not bear to look into her face.
Without looking up, I asked for her help in tracing out the character for ai on the paper below Mom's letter. I wrote the character again and again on the paper, intertwining my pen strokes with her words.
The young woman reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. Then she got up and left, leaving me alone with my mother.
Following the creases, I refolded the paper back into Laohu. I cradled him in the crook of my arm, and as he purred, we began the walk home.
--
//
Copyright (c) 2011 Ken Liu, first published in THE MAGAZINE OF FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION, Mar/Apr. 2011.
No comments:
Post a Comment