5. 我欲予你一个驚喜

5. Góa boeh hō͘ lí chi̍t-ê kiaⁿ-hí

Góa khòaⁿ khì pa̍t-ūi, hòⁿ-kî chit-ê kò͘-sū goán ài-jîn ē án-nóa siūⁿ. I khì Bí-kok thàm-chhin nn̄g lé-pài. Hit-àm, i kià chi̍t-ê té-sìn hō͘ góa. "Hām bó͘ tī im-ga̍k-hōe. Hó-thiaⁿ. Koh 10 hun khà hō͘ lí, tiān-ōe mài koaiⁿ, án-ne lí mā ē-tàng thiaⁿ. ūLCêC." Góa tha̍k nn̄g-piàn, sui-bóng góa chóng-sī pó-liû i kî-thaⁿ ê té-sìn, góa kā thâi tiāu, án-ne chò tō ná chhiūⁿ chit-ê té-sìn bô kià kàu-ūi. Tán i koh khà, góa hō͘ tiān-ōe it-ti̍t hiáng. Góa sim-siūⁿ in tī im-ga̍k-hōe, in bó͘ chhun-chhiú khan i, in-ūi góa bô hoat-tō͘ jím-siū siūⁿ tio̍h khó-lêng sī i chhun-chhiú. Hit-sî góa chai-iáⁿ, i bô khó-lêng khòaⁿ tio̍h góa, khòaⁿ tio̍h góa ê bô lī-piān hiān-si̍t; i só͘ khòaⁿ tio̍h ê, tian-tò sī i ka-tī tī chi̍t-tiûⁿ chhì-kek ê sài-kio̍k.

I lí-hêng tńg lâi, chhēng góa m̄-bat ê ê, kō͘ pá-tīⁿ ê chang-sek phôe chò, pí i kî-thaⁿ ê ê khah e̍h, chiam kah ná chhiò-khoe. I ê hèng-thâu koân, sio-siâm ê sî kā góa se̍h chi̍t-liàn, ná bong góa ām-kún āu tîⁿ ân-ân ê thâu-chang, ná kóng, "Chiah-nī jiû-nńg." I kóng i boeh chhut-khì chia̍h-pn̄g, in-ūi i boeh hō͘ góa chi̍t-ê kiaⁿ-hí, tī i khì piān-só͘ ê sî, i ê chi̍t-ki tiān-ōe hiáng. Góa gia̍h khí i ê chhiú-ki-á, khòaⁿ i ê té-sìn. Kòe-khì góa m̄-bat siūⁿ boeh án-ne chò, taⁿ góa hut-jiân kám-kak, tio̍h án-ne chò. Tī i ê "kià-chhut" sìn-siuⁿ lāi-té, chi̍t-tiâu chi̍t-tiâu ê té-sìn sī hō͘ Baby. Siōng kīn ê hit-tiâu kóng i í-keng pêng-an kàu-ūi. Góa tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê m̄-sī i gōa chia̍p siá hō͘ in bó͘, a̍h he té-sìn sī gōa té -- "that chhia," "su-liām lí," "boeh kàu ah" -- m̄-koh he chhiam-miâ lóng sī "ūLCêC." Góa ê sim chhē loeh. I sī-m̄-sī pian-pâi chi̍t-ê tùi-ōe, kap yi kóng-khí "ū lān-chiáu ê chiáu" ê chhiò-khoe, koh chhōe chi̍t-ê hong-hoat kā he piàn-chiâⁿ nn̄g-lâng ê àm-hō? Góa siūⁿ tio̍h án-ne chò tio̍h ài gōa phah-piàⁿ. Góa kā chhiú-ki-á khǹg lo̍h, khòaⁿ kiàⁿ, pòaⁿ-sìn pòaⁿ-gî boeh khòaⁿ góa ka-tī teh piàn-sêng chi̍t-ê nńg siô-siô, koh bô sòaⁿ ê chhâ-ang-á. 

Tī chhia téng, i mn̄g, "Án-nóa sioh? Lí kám-kak hó bô?"

"Góa m̄-káⁿ siong-sìn, lí ū khà tiān-ōe hō͘ góa thang thiaⁿ lí kap lín bó͘ teh thiaⁿ ê im-ga̍k."

"Góa án-ne chò, sī in-ūi góa chin su-liām lí," i kóng. "Góa chin-chiàⁿ siūⁿ boeh kap lí chò-hóe."

"M̄-koh lí bô kap góa chò-hóe." 

"Lí ê sim-chêng bô hó."

"Lí kám bē bêng-pe̍k? Lí bô kap góa chò-hóe."

I chhun chhiú lâi khan góa ê chhiú, kō͘ tōa-pû-ong so góa ê chhiú-té. Góa khòaⁿ gōa-kháu teng-kong àm-tām ê ke-lō͘. Goán tī óng chhiâng-chāi khì ê chhan-thiaⁿ ê lō͘ nih, hia ê chhài-toaⁿ téng ê ta̍k-hāng mi̍h góa to chia̍h 100 piàn ah. Chi̍t-chiah báng chia̍h góa ê hoeh chia̍h kah gông-khì, tòe chiūⁿ chhia-téng. Góa boeh kā phah soah khì pa tio̍h ka-tī.

"Àm-an, sensé" goán chē tiāⁿ liáu, ho̍k-bū-oân án-ne kóng. "Bián kheh-khì, sensé."

"Lí kám ū chù-ì tio̍h, in m̄-bat kap góa chio-ho͘?" góa mn̄g goán ài-jîn.

"Hmh..." i kóng, ná tiâu-chéng i ê ba̍k-kiàⁿ.

Ho̍k-bū-oân tńg lâi, i sī chi̍t-ê bīn-iông chheng-chhéⁿ, kí-chí un-hô ê lâng; góa tán i phah-khui âng-chiú liáu, chiah kā mn̄g, "Sī án-chóaⁿ lí bô kap góa phah chio-ho͘?"

Ho̍k-bū-oân gán goán ài-jîn chi̍t-ē, ká-ná teh tán i chí-tō, án-ne koh khah hō͘ góa hóe-to̍h. "Khòaⁿ góa sī khong-khì sioh? Mn̄g lí būn-tê ê sī góa. Sī án-chóaⁿ tī Lagos lín chiah-ê ho̍k-bū-oân, kò͘-mn̂g--ê, hām su-ki kī-choa̍t kap góa phah chio-ho͘? Lí kám bô khòaⁿ-e góa?"

"Cha̍p hun-cheng liáu chiah koh lâi," goán ài-jîn kō͘ i he lé-māu ê kē-im kā ho̍k-bū-oân kóng. "Lí su-iàu léng-chēng chi̍t-ē," i kă kóng. "Lí kám boeh ài lán lī-khui?"

"In ná m̄ kap góa phah chio-ho͘?" góa mn̄g, koh koàn pòaⁿ poe chiú.

"Góa boeh hō͘ lí chi̍t-ê kiaⁿ-hí. Góa bé chi̍t-tâi sin chhia hō͘ lí."

Góa bâng-bâng khòaⁿ i.

"Lí ū thiaⁿ tio̍h bô?" i mn̄g. 

"Góa ū thiaⁿ tio̍h." Góa pún-chiâⁿ tio̍h khí-sin khì lám i, koh kā kóng, le̍k-sú ē kì-tit i sī chi̍t-ê úi-tāi ê lâng. Chi̍t-tâi sin chhia. Góa koh lim khah chē chiú.

"Góa kám ū kā lí kóng kòe 6-nî chêng góa lâi Lagos tē-it kái chē basuh ê tāi-chì?" góa mn̄g. "Góa tú chiūⁿ-chhia ê sî, chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ gín-á kiaⁿ kah tōa kiò, in-ūi chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn-lâng hoat-hiān i ê chîⁿ-pau, koh hêng hō͘ i. Hit-ê gín-á tō ná chhiūⁿ góa, sī chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-siap, jia̍t-sim ê chhōe thâu-lō͘ lâng, i tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā sī tú ùi kò͘-hiong lâi, sim-nih ū móa-móa ê kéng-kak. In kā lí kóng só͘-ū chiah-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ: m̄-thang  hiat-chîⁿ hō͘ lō͘ nih ê khit-chia̍h, in-ūi in put-kò sī ké pái-kha; chhiau-chhut hoàn-á chhàng tī kui-tui ē-bīn ê nōa tomato; m̄-thang pang-bâng chhia pháiⁿ-khì ê lâng, in-ūi in sū-si̍t sī bú-chong ê chhiúⁿ-kiap. Taⁿ, ū-lâng khioh tio̍h lí ê chîⁿ-pau, boeh hêng lí."

Goán ài-jîn khòaⁿ khí-lâi gông-ngia̍h.

"Gî-sim," góa kóng. "Che piáu-sī lâng ê koan-hē kiàn-li̍p tī gî-sim. Lí chai, ka-iû ê sî góa sī gōa-nī chù-ì khòaⁿ iû-pió, ūi-tio̍h khak-pó ho̍k-bū-oân bô chhòng-pō͘? Goán chai-iáⁿ kui-chek, góa mā chun-siú kui-chek, goán m̄-káⁿ lâu ki-hōe hō͘ siūⁿ bē kàu ê tāi-chì. Goán siuⁿ kín tō kā mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi." Góa kám-kak ka-tī gōng, kóng chi̍t-kóa góa chai i bē liáu-kái, mā bē siūⁿ boeh liáu-kái ê tāi-chì, koh sió-khóa sim kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ, kō͘ góa chit-chióng hong-sek kā kóng chhut-lâi. I kā chhiú-khiau ki tī toh-bīn, ná khòaⁿ góa, góa chai, i só͘ boeh khòaⁿ ê sī góa ê kek-tōng, góa ê kám-kek, góa iú-koan tang-sî ē-sái khòaⁿ sin chhia ê būn-tê. Góa khai-sí khàu, iá i óa kòe-lâi, lám góa ê io. Góa ê phīⁿ teh lâu, góa ê ba̍k-chiu sio-sio chiūⁿ-chiūⁿ, góa kō͘ chhan-kin kā ì, kā chhit. Góa m̄-bat khàu kah chiah iu-ngá, góa siūⁿ in bó͘ ê khàu tō sī án-ne; yi hoān-sè sī chi̍t-ê ē-tàng hō͘ ba̍k-sái iân chhùi-phóe lâu-lo̍h, bē gāi tio̍h hòa-chong, phīⁿ iû-goân ta-ta hit-chióng cha-bó͘. 

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5. 我欲予你一个驚喜

我看去別位, 好奇這个故事阮愛人會 án-nóa 想. 伊去美國探親兩禮拜. 彼暗, 伊寄一个短信予我. "和某 tī 音樂會. 好聽. Koh 10 分敲予你, 電話莫關, án-ne 你 mā 會當聽. ūLCêC." 我讀兩遍, 雖罔我總是保留伊其他 ê 短信, 我 kā 刣掉, án-ne 做 tō ná 像這个短信無寄到位. 等伊 koh 敲, 我予電話一直響. 我心想 in tī 音樂會, in 某伸手牽伊, 因為我無法度忍受想著可能是伊伸手. 彼時我知影, 伊無可能看著我, 看著我 ê 無利便現實; 伊所看著 ê, 顛倒是伊 ka-tī tī 一場刺激 ê 賽局.

伊旅行轉來, 穿我 m̄-bat ê 鞋, kō͘ 飽滇 ê 棕色皮做, 比伊其他 ê 鞋較狹, 尖 kah ná 笑詼. 伊 ê 興頭懸, 相尋 ê 時 kā 我踅一輾, ná 摸我頷頸後纏絚絚 ê 頭鬃, ná 講, "Chiah-nī 柔軟." 伊講伊欲出去食飯, 因為伊欲予我一个驚喜, tī 伊去便所 ê 時, 伊 ê 一支電話響. 我攑起伊 ê 手機仔, 看伊 ê 短信. 過去我 m̄-bat 想欲 án-ne 做, 今我忽然感覺, 著 án-ne 做. Tī 伊 ê "寄出" 信箱內底, 一條一條 ê 短信是予 Baby. 上近 ê 彼條講伊已經平安到位. 我著驚 ê 毋是伊偌 chia̍p 寫予 in 某, a̍h he 短信是偌短 -- "窒車," "思念你," "欲到 ah" -- m̄-koh he 簽名攏是 "ūLCêC." 我 ê 心 chhē loeh. 伊是毋是編排一个對話, kap 她講起 "有膦鳥 ê 鳥" ê 笑詼, koh 揣一个方法 kā he 變成兩人 ê 暗號? 我想著 án-ne 做著愛偌拍拚. 我 kā 手機仔囥落, 看鏡, 半信半疑欲看我 ka-tī teh 變成一个軟 siô-siô, koh 無線 ê 柴尪仔. 

Tī 車頂, 伊問, "Án-nóa sioh? 你感覺好無?"

"我毋敢相信, 你有敲電話予我通聽你 kap 恁某 teh 聽 ê 音樂."

"我 án-ne 做, 是因為我真思念你," 伊講. "我真正想欲 kap 你做伙."

"M̄-koh 你無 kap 我做伙." 

"你 ê 心情無好."

"你敢袂明白? 你無 kap 我做伙."

伊伸手來牽我 ê 手, kō͘ 大垺翁挲我 ê 手底. 我看外口燈光暗淡 ê 街路. 阮 tī 往常在去 ê 餐廳 ê 路 nih, hia ê 菜單頂 ê 逐項物我 to 食 100 遍 ah. 一隻蠓食我 ê 血食 kah gông 去, 綴上車頂. 我欲 kā 拍煞去巴著 ka-tī.

"暗安, sensé" 阮坐定了, 服務員 án-ne 講. "免客氣, sensé."

"你敢有注意著, in m̄-bat kap 我招呼?" 我問阮愛人.

"Hmh..." 伊講, ná 調整伊 ê 目鏡.

服務員轉來, 伊是一个面容清醒, 舉止溫和 ê 人; 我等伊拍開紅酒了, 才 kā 問, "是按怎你無 kap 我拍招呼?"

服務員眼阮愛人一下, ká-ná teh 等伊指導, án-ne koh 較予我火 to̍h. "看我是空氣 sioh? 問你問題 ê 是我. 是按怎 tī Lagos 恁 chiah-ê 服務員, 顧門 ê, 和司機拒絕 kap 我拍招呼? 你敢無看 e 我?"

"十分鐘了才 koh 來," 阮愛人 kō͘ 伊 he 禮貌 ê 低音 kā 服務員講. "你需要冷靜一下," 伊 kă 講. "你敢欲愛咱離開?"

"In 那毋 kap 我拍招呼?" 我問, koh 灌半杯酒.

"我欲予你一个驚喜. 我買一台新車予你."

我茫茫看伊.

"你有聽著無?" 伊問. 

"我有聽著." 我本成著起身去攬伊, koh kā 講, 歷史會記得伊是一个偉大 ê 人. 一台新車. 我 koh 啉較濟酒.

"我敢有 kā 你講過 6 年前我來 Lagos 第一改坐 basuh ê 代誌?" 我問. "我拄上車 ê 時, 一个查埔囡仔驚 kah 大叫, 因為一个生份人發現伊 ê 錢包, koh 還予伊. 彼个囡仔 tō ná 像我, 是一个生澀, 熱心 ê 揣頭路人, 伊定著 mā 是拄 ùi 故鄉來, 心 nih 有滿滿 ê 警覺. In kā 你講所有 chiah-ê 物件: 毋通㧒錢予路 nih ê 乞食, 因為 in 不過是假跛跤; 搜出販仔藏 tī 規堆下面 ê 爛 tomato; 毋通幫忙車歹去 ê 人, 因為 in 事實是武裝 ê 搶劫. 今, 有人抾著你 ê 錢包, 欲還你."

阮愛人看起來 gông-ngia̍h.

"疑心," 我講. "這表示人 ê 關係建立 tī 疑心. 你知, 加油 ê 時我是 gōa-nī 注意看油錶, 為著確保服務員無創步? 阮知影規則, 我 mā 遵守規則, 阮毋敢留機會予想袂到 ê 代誌. 阮 siuⁿ 緊 tō kā 門關起來." 我感覺 ka-tī 戇, 講一寡我知伊袂了解, mā 袂想欲了解 ê 代誌, koh 小可心驚驚, kō͘ 我這種方式 kā 講出來. 伊 kā 手曲支 tī 桌面, ná 看我, 我知, 伊所欲看 ê 是我 ê 激動, 我 ê 感激, 我有關 tang 時會使看新車 ê 問題. 我開始哭, iá 伊倚過來, 攬我 ê 腰. 我 ê 鼻 teh 流, 我 ê 目睭燒燒癢癢, 我 kō͘ 餐巾 kā ì, kā 拭. 我 m̄-bat 哭 kah chiah 優雅, 我想 in 某 ê 哭就是 án-ne; 她凡勢是一个會當予目屎沿喙䫌流落, 袂礙著化妝, 鼻猶原焦焦彼種查某. 

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5.

I looked away and wondered what my lover would make of this story. He was visiting his family in America for two weeks. That evening, he sent me a text. “At a concert with my wife. Beautiful music. Will call you in ten minutes and leave phone on so you can listen in. CwithaD.” I read it twice and then, even though I had saved all his other texts, I deleted it, as though my doing so would mean that it had never been sent. When he called, I let my phone ring and ring. I imagined them at the concert, his wife reaching out to hold his hand, because I could not bear the thought that it might be he who would reach out. I knew then that he could not possibly see me, the inconvenient reality of me; instead, all he saw was himself in an exciting game.

He came back from his trip wearing shoes I did not recognize, made of rich brown leather and much more tapered than his other shoes, almost comically pointy. He was in high spirits, twirling me around when we hugged, caressing the tightly coiled hair at the nape of my neck and saying, “So soft.” He wanted to go out to dinner, he said, because he had a surprise for me, and when he went into the bathroom one of his phones rang. I took it and looked at his text messages. It was something I had never thought of doing before, and yet I suddenly felt compelled to do it. Text after text in his “sent” box were to Baby. The most recent said he had arrived safely. What struck me was not how often he texted his wife, or how short the texts were—“stuck in traffic,” “missing you,” “almost there”—but that all of them were signed “CwithaD.” Inside me, something sagged. Had he choreographed a conversation with her, nimbly made the joke about a “cock with a dick” and then found a way to turn it into a shared endearment for the two of them? I thought of the effort it would take to do that. I put the phone down and glanced at the mirror, half expecting to see myself morphing into a slack, stringless marionette.

In the car, he asked, “Is something wrong? Are you feeling well?”

“I can’t believe you called me so that I could listen to the music you and your wife were listening to.”

“I did that because I missed you so much,” he said. “I really wanted to be there with you.”

“But you weren’t there with me.”

“You’re in a bad mood.”

“Don’t you see? You weren’t there with me.”

He reached over and took my hand, rubbing his thumb on my palm. I looked out at the dimly lit street. We were on our way to our usual hidden restaurant, where I had eaten everything on the menu a hundred times. A mosquito, now sluggish with my blood, had got in the car. I slapped myself as I tried to hit it.

“Good evening, sah,” the waiter said when we were seated. “You are welcome, sah.”

“Have you noticed that they never greet me?” I asked my lover.

“Well . . .” he said, and adjusted his glasses.

The waiter came back, a sober-faced man with a gentle demeanor, and I waited until he had opened the bottle of red wine before I asked, “Why don’t you greet me?”

The waiter glanced at my lover, as though seeking guidance, and this infuriated me even more. “Am I invisible? I am the one who asked you a question. Why do all of you waiters and gatemen and drivers in this Lagos refuse to greet me? Do you not see me?”

“Come back in ten minutes,” my lover said to the waiter in his courteous, deep-voiced way. “You need to calm down,” he told me. “Do you want us to go?”

“Why don’t they greet me?” I asked, and gulped down half my glass of wine.

“I have a surprise for you. I’ve bought you a new car.”

I looked at him blankly.

“Did you hear me?” he asked.

“I heard you.” I was supposed to get up and hug him and tell him that history would remember him as a great man. A new car. I drank more wine.

“Did I tell you about my first bus ride when I arrived in Lagos, six years ago?” I asked. “When I got on the bus, a boy was screaming in shock because a stranger had found his lost wallet and given it back to him. The boy looked like me, a green, eager job seeker, and he, too, must have come from his home town armed with warnings. You know all the things they tell you: don’t give to street beggars because they are only pretending to be lame; look through tomato pyramids for the rotten ones the hawkers hide underneath; don’t help people whose cars have broken down, because they are really armed robbers. And then somebody found his wallet and gave it back to him.”

My lover looked puzzled.

“Rituals of distrust,” I said. “That is how we relate to one another here, through rituals of distrust. Do you know how carefully I watch the fuel gauge when I buy petrol just to make sure the attendant hasn’t tampered with it? We know the rules and we follow them, and we never make room for things we might not have imagined. We close the door too soon.” I felt a little silly, saying things I knew he did not understand and did not want to understand, and also a little cowardly, saying them the way I did. He was resting his elbows on the table, watching me, and I knew that all he wanted was my excitement, my gratitude, my questions about when I could see the new car. I began to cry, and he came around and cradled me against his waist. My nose was running and my eyes itched as I dabbed them with my napkin. I never cried elegantly, and I imagined that his wife did; she was probably one of those women who could just have the tears trail down her cheeks, leaving her makeup intact, her nose dry.

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