U. Tó-sū | 島嶼 - 1. Tī Jamaica 欶一下仔大麻

Island /by Alexia Arthurs
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/alexiaarthurs/fiction-being-the-only-queer-woman-at-a-very-straight

Tó-sū | 島嶼

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1. Tī Jamaica suh chi̍t-ê-á tōa-môa

Goán tī hái soa-po͘, hit-ê lâng ǹg goán kiâⁿ lâi, ná ùi chi̍t-ê thè-sek ê JanSport o͘ phāiⁿ-pau the̍h chhut chi̍t-ki tōa-môa. Góa chhiò chhut-lâi. He tō ná chhiūⁿ Jamaica tiān-iáⁿ ê chi̍t-ê hó-chhiò ê manga tiûⁿ-kéng -- thǹg pak-theh ê Rasta lâng ùi tē-á giú chhut kui-châng ê tōa-môa, bē-su 20 hun-cheng chêng, i chiah the̍h chhut he kòa tī in tau piah-tû hō͘ ta ê tōa-môa. Goán tō tī hiān-tiûⁿ, tāi-chì khak-si̍t tng-teh án-ne hoat-seng. I kō͘ Jamaica seng-lí lâng ê mî-nōa hong-sek thui-siau hō͘ goán, sui-bóng goán tùi i ê sán-phín bô piáu-sī jīm-hô hèng-chhù, i iáu sī ùi tē-á kā the̍h chhut-lâi, koh mn̄g goán gōa-chē boeh bé. Andrea hām Tracy hiàn chhut pún-sèng, thiàu chhut-lâi koh kiâⁿ lī-khui. Góa sī hi-bāng yin tī chit-chōa lí-tô͘ ē-tàng pàng khin-sang. Kám ū lâng bô boeh tī Jamaica suh chi̍t-ē-á tōa-môa? Taⁿ chit-ê mi̍h lâng tō boeh kau hō͘ lán ah.

Góa kō͘ ba̍k-kak í-keng koan-chhat tio̍h chē tī hū-kīn ê hit-tīn lú tông-chì (dyke: kāng-sèng-loân ê cha-bó͘). Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê ū nâ-sek thâu-chang pīⁿ, hō͘ góa siūⁿ khí tī New York góa tah tio̍h ê cha-bó͘, ū húi-chhùi sek thâu-chang ê Jessica. Jessica hō͘ góa tio̍h-bê ê sī, sui-bóng sī Hôa-è Bí-kok lâng, yi kóng-ōe ná chhiūⁿ o͘-lâng cha-bó͘, kóng kah chiâⁿ chū-jiân. Goán tī iu-chit-hòa Brooklyn ê chi̍t-keng kapi thiaⁿ phēng-keng chē, it-ti̍t kàu yi khí-sin boeh lī-khui chiah khai-sí kóng-ōe, kàu hit-sî sîn-keng í-keng peⁿ kah ân-ân. Seks seng-oa̍h lóng chin pêng-hoân. Tî-liáu hit-ê nâ thau-chang-pīⁿ ê cha-bó͘, iáu ū saⁿ lâng -- yin lóng ū chhiah-chheⁿ, kǹg-khang, thì chi̍t pō͘-hūn thâu-khak, che sī pe̍h-lâng lú tông-chì ê sím-bí koan. Góa chù-ì tio̍h kî-tiong siōng súi hit-ê -- in-ūi yi ê chang-sek tn̂g thâu-chang kap o͘-sek bikini, khòaⁿ khí-lâi yi sī chi̍t-ê un-jiû ê téng (頂, butch) -- khòaⁿ tio̍h góa teh khòaⁿ yi, yi khòaⁿ tùi pa̍t-ūi khì. Koh chi̍t-hāng góa chai ê tāi-chì sī, chiah-ê lú tông-chì sī teh tòe hit-ê Rasta lâng, iá góa hām Andrea kap Tracy í-keng boeh lī-khui ah; āu-lâi, tī ji̍t-thâu boeh lo̍h ê sî, goán iū chò-hóe tī hái-than phiah-chēng ê só͘-chāi lûn-liû pok chi̍t-ki tōa-môa cigar /sigá/ (blunt). Góa taⁿ chai-iáⁿ, yin sī ùi Chicago lâi ê gián-kiù seng.

"Goán pêng-iú kòe-khì sī tông-chì, taⁿ boeh hām cha-po͘ lâng kiat-hun," nâ thâu-chang hit-ê kái-soeh. Yin pêng-iú lóng teh chhiò, m̄-koh góa kám siūⁿ ē-kàu, sui-bóng yi chhiò, āu-bīn ū koh khah o͘-àm ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ?

"Góa mā sī lâi chia chham-ka chi̍t-tiûⁿ chèng-siông ê hun-lé," góa kā yin kóng. "Tia kòe-khì hām góa kô chò-tīn, m̄-koh yi choa̍t-tùi bē sêng-jīn yi ê sin-khu nih ū tông-chì kut-thâu."

Yin thiaⁿ chhut ì-sù, ki-ki chhiò.

Yin siūⁿ boeh thiaⁿ góa tī New York ê seng-oa̍h, hō͘ góa kám-kak bē chū-chāi. Góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh ū hó ìn-siōng hō͘ ī-lú (異女, queer women: lú tông-chì), m̄-koh lâng-lâng chóng-sī tùi New York ū thian-chin ê kî-thāi. Góa khai-sí kóng góa bat chham-ka ê chi̍t-ê club. Góa tī Tinder bat ê chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ teh chò DJ (im-ga̍k chú-pò͘), in-ūi án-ne góa chìn-ji̍p VIP (tiōng-iàu jîn-bu̍t) miâ-toaⁿ. Kui-àm, lâng-lâng kóng koa-chhiú Shirley lóng tī bú-tî, ká-ná tî-liáu góa ta̍k-ê lóng khòaⁿ tio̍h yi, it-ti̍t kàu góa khì piān-só͘, yi ūi góa khui-mn̂g. Hit-ê nâ thau-chang pīⁿ ê cha-bó͘ si̍t-chè-siōng sī Meksiko-è Bí-kok lâng, só͘-í góa goân-liōng yi thâu-chang ê hiau-pai, it-ti̍t kàu yi kóng, "Shirley sī siáng? Pháiⁿ-sè, góa bô thiaⁿ liû-hêng im-ga̍k."

Kóng kàu yin ê lūn-bûn hām Carib ji̍t-thâu ê sî, góa khai-sí kám-kak bô-liâu, tō khí-sin boeh lī-khui. M̄-koh, ū chi̍t-ê chhiau-thoat ê sî-khek, tōa-môa cigar tī góa ê chhiú-tiong ê sî, góa khòaⁿ kî-thaⁿ sì-ê bōe 30 hòe ê cha-bó͘, ká-ná bē hoán-kám tùi kî-thaⁿ cha-bó͘ ê io̍k-bōng chit-chióng goân-sí koh ū cheng-gī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Góa chin hoaⁿ-hí, góa sī tông-chì, tī góa sin-siōng, chit nn̄g-ê tāi-chì ē-tàng tâng-chê hoat-seng. "Lia̍t-ūi sió-chiá, lán hôe-thâu chiah saⁿ-kìⁿ," góa kóng, m̄-koh góa lia̍h o͘-sek bikini hit-ê kim-kim khòaⁿ. Yi hō-chò Jen.

Góa hoat-hiān Andrea hām Tracy tī chhan-thiaⁿ chia̍h-pn̄g. Andrea ê bīn-chêng sī kui-bóe ê hî, iá Tracy tng-teh lim ko koh phang ê thng. Sui-jiân góa bô lí-iû chek-pī yin, m̄-koh yin khì chia̍h-pn̄g bô chio góa, hō͘ góa chin hóe tōa. Góa kan-ta lī-khui tāi-khài 30 hun-cheng, yin tō í-keng chò tāi-chì bô chio góa ah. Góa chai-iáⁿ, jû-kó sī yin kî-tiong chi̍t-lâng tam-gō͘ tio̍h, goán lóng ē sio-tán. M̄-koh, tùi-thāi góa, tāi-chì m̄-sī chóng-sī án-ne. Góa khì chò chi̍t-hāng tông-chì ê tāi-chì, tán góa tńg-lâi, yin nn̄g-lâng ê bīn lóng kek kah chin sù-siông, m̄-koh siáng chai, tī góa ê pōe-āu yin sī án-nóa teh kóng góa.

"Lí kau tio̍h chi̍t-kóa sin pêng-iú," Tracy kóng, bīn chhiò-chhiò, m̄-koh góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, yi teh sió-sim gián-kiù góa.

"Sī ah, yin ùi Chicago lâi ê -- sī gián-kiù seng," góa kái-soeh. "Yin mā lâi chham-ka hun-lé."

"Jamaica ê tông-chì hun-lé?" Andrea ká-ná ū khùn-jiáu.

"M̄-sī lah, sī chèng-siông ê hun-lé."

"Oh, án-ne khah ha̍p-lí."

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1. Tī Jamaica 欶一下仔大麻

阮 tī 海沙埔, 彼个人 ǹg 阮行來, ná ùi 一个退色 ê JanSport 烏揹包提出一支大麻. 我笑出來. 彼 tō ná 像 Jamaica 電影 ê 一个好笑 ê manga 場景 -- 褪腹裼 ê Rasta 人 ùi 袋仔搝出規叢 ê 大麻, 袂輸 20 分鐘前, 伊才提出 he 掛 tī in 兜壁櫥予焦 ê 大麻. 阮 tō tī 現場, 代誌確實 tng-teh án-ne 發生. 伊 kō͘ Jamaica 生理人 ê 綿爛方式推銷予阮, 雖罔阮對伊 ê 產品無表示任何興趣, 伊猶是 ùi 袋仔 kā 提出來, koh 問阮偌濟欲買. Andrea 和 Tracy 現出本性, 跳出來 koh 行離開. 我是希望姻 tī 這逝旅途會當放輕鬆. 敢有人無欲 tī Jamaica 欶一下仔大麻? 今這个物人 tō 欲交予咱 ah.

我 kō͘ 目角已經觀察著坐 tī 附近 ê 彼陣女同志 (dyke: 仝性戀 ê 查某). 其中一个有藍色頭鬃辮, 予我想起 tī New York 我搭著 ê 查某, 有翡翠色頭鬃 ê Jessica. Jessica 予我著迷 ê 是, 雖罔是華裔美國人, 她講話 ná 像烏人查某, 講 kah 誠自然. 阮 tī 優質化 Brooklyn ê 一間 kapi 廳並肩坐, 一直到她起身欲離開才開始講話, 到彼時神經已經繃 kah 絚絚. Seks 生活攏真平凡. 除了彼个藍頭鬃辮 ê 查某, 猶有三人 -- 姻攏有刺青, 貫空, 剃一部份頭殼, 這是白人女同志 ê 審美觀. 我注意著其中上媠彼个 -- 因為她 ê 棕色長頭鬃 kap 烏色 bikini, 看起來她是一个溫柔 ê téng (頂, butch) -- 看著我 teh 看她, 她看對別位去. Koh 一項我知 ê 代誌是, chiah-ê 女同志是 teh 綴彼个 Rasta 人, iá 我和 Andrea kap Tracy 已經欲離開 ah; 後來, tī 日頭欲落 ê 時, 阮又做伙 tī 海灘僻靜 ê 所在輪流噗一支大麻 cigar /sigá/ (blunt). 我今知影, 姻是 ùi Chicago 來 ê 研究生.

"阮朋友過去是同志, 今欲和查埔人結婚," 藍頭鬃彼个解說. 姻朋友攏 teh 笑, 毋過我敢想會到, 雖罔她笑, 後面有 koh 較烏暗 ê 物件?

"我 mā 是來 chia 參加一場正常 ê 婚禮," 我 kā 姻講. "Tia 過去和我 kô 做陣, 毋過她絕對袂承認她 ê 身軀 nih 有同志骨頭."

姻聽出意思, ki-ki 笑.

姻想欲聽我 tī New York ê 生活, 予我感覺袂自在. 我一直想欲有好印象予 ī-lú (異女, queer women: 女同志), 毋過人人總是對 New York 有天真 ê 期待. 我開始講我 bat 參加 ê 一个 club. 我 tī Tinder 捌 ê 一个查某 teh 做 DJ (音樂主播), 因為 án-ne 我進入 VIP (重要人物) 名單. 規暗, 人人講歌手 Shirley 攏 tī 舞池, ká-ná 除了我逐个攏看著她, 一直到我去便所, 她為我開門. 彼个藍頭鬃辮 ê 查某實際上是 Meksiko 裔美國人, 所以我原諒她頭鬃 ê 囂俳, 一直到她講, "Shirley 是 siáng? 歹勢, 我無聽流行音樂."

講到姻 ê 論文和 Carib 日頭 ê 時, 我開始感覺無聊, tō 起身欲離開. 毋過, 有一个超脫 ê 時刻, 大麻 cigar tī 我 ê 手中 ê 時, 我看其他四个未 30 歲 ê 查某, ká-ná 袂反感對其他查某 ê 慾望這種原始 koh 有爭議 ê 物件. 我真歡喜, 我是同志, tī 我身上, 這兩个代誌會當同齊發生. "列位小姐, 咱回頭才相見," 我講, 毋過我掠烏色 bikini 彼个金金看. 她號做 Jen.

我發現 Andrea 和 Tracy tī 餐廳食飯. Andrea ê 面前是規尾 ê 魚, iá Tracy tng-teh 啉膏 koh 芳 ê 湯. 雖然我無理由責備姻, 毋過姻去食飯無招我, 予我真火大. 我干焦離開大概 30 分鐘, 姻 tō 已經做代誌無招我 ah. 我知影, 如果是姻其中一人耽誤著, 阮攏會相等. 毋過, 對待我, 代誌毋是總是 án-ne. 我去做一項同志 ê 代誌, 等我轉來, 姻兩人 ê 面攏激 kah 真四常, 毋過 siáng 知, tī 我 ê 背後姻是按怎 teh 講我.

"你交著一寡新朋友," Tracy 講, 面笑笑, 毋過我看會出, 她 teh 小心研究我.

"是 ah, 姻 ùi Chicago 來 ê -- 是研究生," 我解說. "姻 mā 來參加婚禮."

"Jamaica ê 同志婚禮?" Andrea ká-ná 有困擾.

"毋是 lah, 是正常 ê 婚禮."

"Oh, án-ne 較合理."

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1.

We were on the beach when the man approached us, pulling a marijuana plant out of a faded black JanSport backpack. I started to laugh. It seemed like just the kind of ridiculous caricature of a scene from a film set in Jamaica — a bare-chested Rasta man pulling the entire plant out of his bag as though only twenty minutes ago he’d lifted it from where it hung drying in an unused closet in his house. But there we were, and it was really happening. He wanted to sell to us in the aggressive way of Jamaican merchants, so that even though we hadn’t shown any interest in his product, he was pulling it out of his bag and asking how much we wanted. Andrea and Tracy, true to themselves, jumped up and backed away. I’d hoped they’d relax on this trip. Who wouldn’t want to smoke bud in Jamaica? And it was basically being handed to us.

I’d observed from the corner of my eyes the group of dykes sitting close by. One of them had blue dreadlocks, reminding me of a woman I’d hooked up with in New York, Jessica with the emerald hair. But what had fascinated me about her was that though she was Chinese-American, she spoke like a black woman, and it seemed to come naturally to her. We’d sat next to each other at a coffee shop in gentrified Brooklyn and hadn’t talked until she was getting up to leave, and by then there was all this built-up tension. The sex had been mediocre. Besides the woman with blue dreadlocks, there were three others — they were all tattooed and pierced with partially shaved heads, that aesthetic of gay white women. I’d noticed the prettiest one among them — soft butch because of her long brown hair and black bikini — and she had looked away when she saw me looking. The next thing I knew, the dykes were crowded around the Rasta man and me, Andrea, and Tracy were leaving, and afterwards, we were passing a blunt around on a secluded area of the beach as the sun went down. I learned that they were graduate students from Chicago.

“Our friend who used to be gay is getting married to a man,” the one with blue hair explained. Her friends chuckled, but had I imagined that though she smiled, there was something darker behind it?

“I’m here for a straight wedding, too,” I told them. “Tia and I fooled around, but she would never admit that there is a gay bone in her body.”

They clucked knowingly.

They wanted to hear about my life in New York, which made me feel self-conscious. I always wanted to impress queer women, and people tend to have naïve expectations of life in New York. I started talking about a club I’d been to. A woman I’d met on Tinder was DJing, which was how I made it onto the VIP list. All night long, people were saying that the singer Shirley was on the dance floor and it seemed that everyone but me had seen her, until I went to use the bathroom and she held the door open for me. The woman with the blue dreadlocks was actually Mexican-American, so I’d forgiven her the hair offense, until she said, “Who’s Shirley? Sorry, I don’t listen to pop music.”

When the talk of their dissertations and the bliss of the Caribbean sun started to bore me, I got up to leave. But there had been a transcendent moment when the blunt had been in my hand, and I looked around at four other women who were not yet thirty and seemed at peace with something as primal and contentious as desire for other women. I was happy and I was gay, and it occurred to me that both of these things could happen at the same time. “I’ll see you ladies later,” I said, but I was looking at the one in the black bikini. Her name was Jen.

I found Andrea and Tracy eating in the dining room. Andrea had an entire fish laid out in front of her, and Tracy was sipping a thick, fragrant soup. Even though I couldn’t reasonably hold it against them, I was annoyed that they’d gone to dinner without me. I’d only been away for maybe thirty minutes and they were already carrying on without me. I knew that if it had been one of them who was delayed, we’d have waited. But this wasn’t always the case for me. I would do a gay thing, and when I came back both of their faces were posed at me in an ordinary way, but I couldn’t help wondering what they had said about me behind my back.

“You made some new friends,” Tracy said, smiling, but I could see that she was studying me carefully.

“Yeah, they’re from Chicago — they’re graduate students,” I explained. “They’ve also come for a wedding.”

“A gay wedding in Jamaica?” Andrea looked confused.

“No, it’s a straight wedding.”

“Oh, that makes more sense.”

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