9. 笑聲變做目屎

9. Chhiò-siaⁿ piàn-chò ba̍k-sái

Eva chhōa goán chhut-khì, tián-sī yi sī án-chóaⁿ chò: Thoa thui chhut-lâi, peh thui kàu mikro-sòaⁿ ê chi̍t-thâu, pàng lo̍h tò-pêng ê EzyReleese koaiⁿ, koh thoa thui kàu iáu chi̍t-thâu, pàng chiàⁿ-pêng ê EzyReleese. Kàu hit-sî, mikro-sòaⁿ oân-choân sang lo̍h, SK khiā tī thô͘-kha.

SK kán-té thó-lūn chi̍t-ē.

Choăn SK chhut-khì.

Góa chiâⁿ khì. Eva pìⁿ chi̍t-ê tōa chhut-thâu. Che tùi goán sī tōa mâ-hoân, bô m̄-tio̍h, m̄-koh mā sī SK ê tōa mâ-hoân. Taⁿ SK tī tó-ūi? Tī hó ê só͘-chāi? Hui-hoat tô-bông-chiá tī chheⁿ-hūn só͘-chāi, bô chîⁿ, bô chia̍h-mi̍h, bô chúi, iū tio̍h bih tī chhiū-nâ, làm-tē, tt ê só͘-chāi, hō͘ mikro-sòaⁿ khan chò-hóe, ná chhiūⁿ hoān-lâng liān-á kat kat sio-liâm, án-ne tùi yin kám hó?

Kì hō͘ bī-lâi ê sè-tāi: Tī goán chit-ê sî-tāi, ū-sî ka-têng ē lak-lo̍h o͘-àm. Ka-têng ê kám-kak: goán sī sit-pāi chiá, goán chò ê ta̍k-hāng to m̄-tio̍h. Pē-bú tōa-siaⁿ jiáng, ūi chai-lān chōng-hóng hō͘-siong chí-chek. Lāu-pē that piah, tī peng-siuⁿ piⁿ-á ê piah lòng chi̍t-ê khang. Kui ke-hóe bô chia̍h-tàu. Sim-chêng kín-tiuⁿ kah bô hoat-tō͘ chē kāng toh.  Che chiâⁿ bē kham-tit. Án-ne hō͘ lâng (Lāu-pē) hoâi-gî phah-piàⁿ ê kè-ta̍t, its hō͘ Lāu-pē (góa) hoâi-gî, lâng sī-m̄-sī kòe ko͘-tok seng-oa̍h khah hó, ka-tī chi̍t-ê tòa tī chhiū-nâ, chiàu-kò͘ ka-tī ê phang-siū, mài ài jīm-hô lâng.

Kin-á-ji̍t, góa tō ná chhiūⁿ sī án-ne.

Chông chhut-mn̂g khì chhia-khò͘. Hit-ê sam-pat phòng-chhí/niáu-chhí jiah keng-kòe chit kúi lé-pài iáu sī tī hia. Kō͘ phiò-pe̍h-chúi + chúi kóng kā chheng-sé. Án-ne tit-tio̍h pêng-chēng liáu, chē tī lu-chhia (wheelbarrow), soah teh ài-chhiò chit-chióng chōng-hóng. Khau-kah-sóng tio̍h-chióng, sī sèⁿ-miā tiong siōng-tōa ê hó-ūn, chiah kín tō kā tōa hó-ūn pìⁿ chiâⁿ sèⁿ-miā tiong ê tōa chai-lān.

Chhiò-siaⁿ piàn-chò ba̍k-sái.

Pam chhut-lâi, mn̄g góa sī-m̄-sī teh khàu? Góa kóng bô, sī piàⁿ-sàu chhia-khò͘, ba̍k-chiu tio̍h eng-ia. Pam bô teh sìn. Pam khin-khin tī sin-piⁿ lám + phok kha-chhng-phé, kóng, Lí tú-chiah teh khàu, án-ne O.K., sī khùn-lân sî-chūn, góa chai.

Pam: Lán ji̍p-khì. Lán kā tāi-chì hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông. Che lán ē tō͘ kòe. Gín-á lóng tī hia bô-lám bô-ne, in lóng kám-kak kan-khó͘.

Ji̍p chhù lāi.

Gín-á chē tī chàu-kha toh-á.

Siang-chhiú khui-khui. Thomas kap Lilly chông kòe lâi.

Eva chē tio̍h bô tāng.

Eva iáu sè ê sî, thâu-mo͘ phòng koh o͘ koh khiû. Yi ē khiā phòng-í téng, kō͘ kapi poe chia̍h be̍h-phìⁿ, tòe náu-tiong ê koa thiàu-bú, póe-tāng thang-á lî ê soh-á.

Taⁿ sī án-ne: Eva chē leh, chhiú mo͘h thâu, ná chhiūⁿ siong-sim ê lāu a-pô teh oàn-thàn sit-khì chheng-chhun oa̍h-le̍k ê hoe-lúi, tt, tt.

Góa kiâⁿ kòe, kā Eva phō khí-lâi.

Chit-ê khó-liân mi̍h tī góa heng-chêng khu̍h-khu̍h chùn.

Eva (sè-siaⁿ): Góa m̄-chai lán ē sit-khì chhù.

Góa: Lán bē -- lán bē sit-khì chhù. Mă hām góa ē kái-koat chit-ê būn-tê.

Kiò gín-á khì khòaⁿ TV.

Pam: Án-nóa, lí boeh góa khà tiān-ōe hō͘ Apa bô?

Góa bô-ài Pam khà hō͘ yin Apa.

Pam Apa ê sèⁿ = Rich ("hó-gia̍h" ê ì-sù). Si̍t-chè siōng i kiò ka-tī "Farmer Rich" (Chò-sit-lâng Rich). Chin sim-sek, in-ūi i sī hó-gia̍h ê chò-sit-lâng. Chāi góa khòaⁿ, i bô kah-ì góa. Chē-chē kái kóng góa 1) chò tāi-chì bô phah-piàⁿ, 2) tio̍h chù-ì ka-tī ê thé-tāng, 3) tio̍h chù-ì ka-tī ê sìn-iōng khah.

Farmer Rich sin-châi hó, bô iōng sìn-iōng khah.

Farmer Rich bô ì-ài SK. Kám-kak ū SK = "hong-sîn khì." Jīn-ûi jīm-hô sim-sek mi̍h = hong-sîn khì. Khì hông sé-chhia, its bô tī lō͘-piⁿ ka-tī sé = hong-sîn khì.  Chi̍t-kái, góa khì in hia ê sî, góa kóng tio̍h chò kin-kóng tī-liâu ê sî, i kō͘ giâu-gî khòaⁿ góa. Hăⁿ, góa teh siūⁿ, kin-kóng tī-liâu = hong-sîn khì? Kiat-kó m̄-sī: kan-ta bô tông-ì góa só͘ soán ê khí-kho, in-ūi i bat khòaⁿ hit-ê khí-kho ê TV kóng-kò, kám-kak TV kóng-kò = hong-sîn khì.

Só͘-tì, góa bô-ài Pam khà tiān-ōe hō͘ Farmer Rich.

Kā Pam kóng, tāi-chì lán tio̍h chīn-la̍t ka-tī chhú-lí.

The̍h-chhut siàu-toaⁿ, bô͘-gí la̍p-chîⁿ ê an-pâi: Goán nā la̍p té-ah, sio-khì, AmEx, koh ke téng-kái iân ê $200 siàu-toaⁿ, tō chhun chha-put-to 0 (chhun $12.78). Goán nā iân AmEx + Visa, án-ne tō chhun $880. Nā koh iân té-ah, sio-khì, jîn-siū pó-hiám, án-ne, chóng-sò͘ mā kan-ta chhun chió-chió ê $3,100.

Góa: Kai-sí.

Pam: Hoān-sè góa lâi siá email kià hō͘ i. Lí chai lah hoⁿh. Khòaⁿ i án-nóa kóng.

Góa sía ji̍t-kì ê sî, Pam tī lâu-téng siá email hō͘ Farmer Rich.

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9. 笑聲變做目屎

Eva chhōa 阮出去, 展示她是按怎做: 拖梯出來, peh 梯到 mikro 線 ê 一頭, 放落倒爿 ê EzyReleese 杆, koh 拖梯到猶一頭, 放正爿 ê EzyReleese. 到彼時, mikro 線完全鬆落, SK 徛 tī 塗跤.

SK 簡短討論一下.

Choăn SK 出去.

我誠氣. Eva pìⁿ 一个大齣頭. 這對阮是大麻煩, 無毋著, 毋過 mā 是 SK ê 大麻煩. 今 SK tī 佗位? Tī 好 ê 所在? 非法逃亡者 tī 生份所在, 無錢, 無食物, 無水, 又著覕 tī 樹林, 湳地, tt ê 所在, 予 mikro 線牽做伙, ná 像犯人鍊仔結結相連, án-ne 對姻敢好?

記予未來 ê 世代: Tī 阮這个時代, 有時家庭會 lak 落烏暗. 家庭 ê 感覺: 阮是失敗者, 阮做 ê 逐項 to 毋著. 爸母大聲嚷, 為災難狀況互相指責. 老爸踢壁, tī 冰箱邊仔 ê 壁挵一个空. 規家伙無食晝. 心情緊張 kah 無法度坐仝桌.  這誠袂堪得. Án-ne 予人 (老爸) 懷疑拍拚 ê 價值, its 予老爸 (我) 懷疑, 人是毋是過孤獨生活較好, ka-tī 一个蹛 tī 樹林, 照顧 ka-tī ê 蜂岫, 莫愛任何人.

今仔日, 我 tō ná 像是 án-ne.

傱出門去車庫. 彼个三八膨鼠/鳥鼠跡經過這幾禮拜猶是 tī hia. Kō͘ 漂白水 + 水管 kā 清洗. Án-ne 得著平靜了, 坐 tī lu 車 (wheelbarrow), 煞 teh 愛笑這種狀況. 剾 kah 爽著獎, 是性命中上大 ê 好運, chiah 緊 tō kā 大好運變成性命中 ê 大災難.

笑聲變做目屎.

Pam 出來, 問我是毋是 teh 哭? 我講無, 是拚掃車庫, 目睭著坱埃. Pam 無 teh 信. Pam 輕輕 tī 身邊攬 + 撲尻川䫌, 講, 你拄才 teh 哭, án-ne O.K., 是困難時陣, 我知.

Pam: 咱入去. 咱 kā 代誌回復正常. 這咱會度過. 囡仔攏 tī hia 無攬無拈, in 攏感覺艱苦.

入厝內.

囡仔坐 tī 灶跤桌仔.

雙手開開. Thomas kap Lilly 傱過來.

Eva 坐著無動.

Eva 猶細 ê 時, 頭毛膨 koh 烏 koh 虯. 她會徛膨椅頂, kō͘ kapi 杯食麥片, 綴腦中 ê 歌跳舞, 掰動窗仔簾 ê 索仔.

今是 án-ne: Eva 坐 leh, 手 mo͘h 頭, ná 像傷心 ê 老阿婆 teh 怨嘆失去青春活力 ê 花蕊, tt, tt.

我行過, kā Eva 抱起來.

這个可憐物 tī 我胸前 khu̍h-khu̍h 顫.

Eva (細聲): 我毋知咱會失去厝.

我: 咱袂 -- 咱袂失去厝. Mă 和我會解決這个問題.

叫囡仔去看 TV.

Pam: 按怎, 你欲我敲電話予 Apa 無?

我無愛 Pam 敲予姻 Apa.

Pam Apa ê 姓 = Rich ("好額" ê 意思). 實際上伊叫 ka-tī "Farmer Rich" (做穡人 Rich). 真心適, 因為伊是好額 ê 做穡人. 在我看, 伊無佮意我. 濟濟改講我 1) 做代誌無拍拚, 2) 著注意 ka-tī ê 體重, 3) 著注意 ka-tī ê 信用卡.

Farmer Rich 身材好, 無用信用卡.

Farmer Rich 無意愛 SK. 感覺有 SK = "風神氣." 認為任何心適物 = 風神氣. 去 hông 洗車, its 無 tī 路邊 ka-tī 洗 = 風神氣.  一改, 我去 in hia ê 時, 我講著做根管治療 ê 時, 伊 kō͘ 憢疑看我. Hăⁿ, 我 teh 想, 根管治療 = 風神氣? 結果毋是: 干焦無同意我所選 ê 齒科, 因為伊 bat 看彼个齒科 ê TV 廣告, 感覺 TV 廣告 = 風神氣.

所致, 我無愛 Pam 敲電話予 Farmer Rich.

Kā Pam 講, 代誌咱著盡力 ka-tī 處理.

提出數單, 模擬納錢 ê 安排: 阮若納抵押, 燒氣, AmEx, koh 加頂改延 ê $200 數單, tō 賰差不多 0 (賰 $12.78). 阮若延 AmEx + Visa, án-ne tō 賰 $880. 若 koh 延抵押, 燒氣, 人壽保險, án-ne, 總數 mā 干焦賰少少 ê $3,100.

我: 該死.

Pam: 凡勢我來寫 email 寄予伊. 你知 lah hoⁿh. 看伊按怎講.

我寫日記 ê 時, Pam tī 樓頂寫 email 予 Farmer Rich.

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9.

Eva leads us outside, shows us how she did: Dragged out stepladder, stood on stepladder at end of microline, released left-hand EzyReleese lever, then dragged stepladder to other end, released right-hand EzyReleese. At that point, microline completely loose, SGs standing on ground.

SGs briefly confer.

And off they go.

Am so mad. Eva has made huge mess here. Huge mess for us, yes, but also for SGs. Where are SGs now? In good place? Is it good when illegal fugitives in strange land have no money, no food, no water, are forced to hide in woods, swamp, etc., connected via microline, like chain gang?

Note to future generations: Sometimes, in our time, families get into dark place. Family feels: we are losers, everything we do is wrong. Parents fight at high volume, blaming each other for disastrous situation. Father kicks wall, puts hole in wall near fridge. Family skips lunch. Tension too high for all to sit at same table. This unbearable. This makes person (Father) doubt value of whole enterprise, i.e., makes Father (me) wonder if humans would not be better off living alone, individually, in woods, minding own beeswax, not loving anyone.

Today like that for us.

Stormed out to garage. Stupid squirrel/mouse stain still there after all these weeks. Used bleach + hose to eradicate. In resulting calm, sat on wheelbarrow, had to laugh at situation. Won ScratchOff, greatest luck of life, quickly converted greatest luck of life into greatest fiasco of life.

Laughter turned to tears.

Pam came out, asked had I been crying? I said no, just got dust in eyes from cleaning garage. Pam not buying. Pam gave me little side hug + hip nudge, to say, You were crying, is O.K., is difficult time, I know.

Pam: Come on inside. Let’s get things back to normal. We’ll get through this. The kids are dying in there, they feel so bad.

Went inside.

Kids at kitchen table.

Opened arms. Thomas and Lilly rushed over.

Eva stayed sitting.

When Eva tiny, had big head of black curls. Would stand on couch, eating cereal from coffee mug, dancing to song in head, flicking around cord from window blinds.

Now this: Eva sitting w/ head in hands like heartbroken old lady mourning loss of vigorous flower of youth, etc., etc.

Went over, scooped Eva up.

Poor thing shaking in my arms.

Eva (in whisper): I didn’t know we would lose the house.

Me: We’re not—we’re not going to lose the house. Mommy and I are going to figure this out.

Sent kids off to watch TV.

Pam: So. You want me to call Dad?

Did not want Pam calling Pam’s dad.

Pam’s dad’s first name = Rich. Actually calls self “Farmer Rich.” Is funny because he is rich farmer. In terms of me, does not like me. Has said at various times that I (1) am not hard worker, and (2) had better watch self in terms of weight, and (3) had better watch self in terms of credit cards.

Farmer Rich in very good shape, with no credit cards.

Farmer Rich not fan of SGs. Feels having SGs = “showoffy move.” Thinks anything fun = showoffy move. Even going to movie = showoffy move. Going to car wash, i.e., not doing self, in driveway = showoffy move. Once, when visiting, looked dubiously at me when I said I had to get root canal. What, I was thinking, root canal = showoffy move? But no: just disapproved of dentist I had chosen, due to he had seen dentist’s TV ad, felt dentist having TV ad = showoffy move.

So did not want Pam calling Farmer Rich.

Told Pam we must try our best to handle this ourselves.

Got out bills, did mock payment exercise: If we pay mortgage, heat bill, AmEx, plus $200 in bills we deferred last time, would be down near zero ($12.78 remaining). If we defer AmEx + Visa, that would free up $880. If, in addition, we skip mortgage payment, heat bill, life-insurance premium, that would still only free up measly total of $3,100.

Me: Shit.

Pam: Maybe I’ll e-mail him. You know. Just see what he says.

Pam upstairs e-mailing Farmer Rich as I write.

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//

Published in the print edition of the October 15, 2012, issue.

George Saunders won the 2017 Man Booker Prize for “Lincoln in the Bardo.” He is the author of, most recently, “A Swim in a Pond in the Rain.”