2. Kō͘ iû-kheh ê sin-hūn khì Jamaica
Góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh kō͘ iû-kheh ê sin-hūn khì Jamaica -- kō͘ gōa-lâng ê sin-hūn lâi khòaⁿ chit-ê tó. Siáⁿ-lâng bô ài, tī bó͘ chi̍t-ê sî-chūn, tī ka-tī chhù-lāi hō͘ lâng ho̍k-sāi? Góa hoâi-gî, tō sī in-ūi án-ne, goán lāu-bú koàn-sì kiò goán thîn chi̍t-poe chúi hō͘ yi, sui-bóng chàu-kha tō tī keh-piah, mā sī in-ūi án-ne, yi tī bô-êng chi̍t-kang ê khang-khòe liáu-āu, chē tī e̍k-kng nih, kiò goán tiong-kan ê chi̍t-ê kā yi lù kha-chiah-phiaⁿ. M̄-koh, tī góa kā goán lāu-bú kóng-khí, góa boeh khì Jamaica chham-ka chi̍t-ê gōa-tē hun-lé (destination wedding), ūi hit-tùi góa tha̍k hoat-lu̍t ha̍k-īⁿ tī Madison bat ê sin-lâng khai-tiāu só͘-ū hiah-ê chîⁿ ê sî, yi kā-gê chhiat-khí, mn̄g góa he chîⁿ kám bô khah hó ê iōng-tô͘. Goán lī-khui Jamaica ê sî, góa iáu sī gín-á, goán kan-ta bat tńg-khì thàm-bōng chhin-chiâⁿ.
M̄-koh góa chin lo̍k-koan -- chia sī góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh hām pêng-iú tâng-chê khì ê lí-hêng, taⁿ tit-boeh si̍t-hiān ah. Jî-chhiáⁿ góa su-iàu lí-hêng. Góa bô pàng bē-kì-tit Allison. Góa pit-gia̍p liáu-āu, yi hām góa tâng-chê poaⁿ tńg New York, m̄-koh tùi yi lâi kóng, he sī hì-kio̍k-sèng ê, sio liân-sòa ê gas-teng hāu-èng (gaslighting), yi chóng-sī siū-hāi-chiá, koh bô lâng, sīm-chí liân piáu-sī ài yi ê góa, mā bē-tàng liáu-kái yi ê thiàⁿ-thàng. Chò chi̍t-ê chă gín-á, keh-piah tòa chi̍t-ê cha-po͘, i jia̍t-chêng iau-chhiáⁿ yi kòe khì, koh lâi iū kiông-pek iau-chhiáⁿ yi, án-ne í-keng kòe kúi-ā nî ah. Tán yi soan-pò kóng yi boeh poaⁿ tńg Midwest (Bí-kok tiong-se pō͘), Brooklyn ê seng-oa̍h pō͘-tiāu bô ha̍h yi, koh kóng góa hō͘ yi siūⁿ khí yin lāu-bú, in-ūi goán ê seng-chō sio-kāng ê sî, góa bô kiû yi lâu lo̍h-lâi. Góa teh loân-ài, m̄-koh góa thiám ah.
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Tracy hām Andrea lóng tùi goán ê lí-hêng hèng chhih-chhih. Yin lóng iáu tòa tī Midwest tha̍k ha̍k-ūi, góa ē ùi góa tòa ê Brooklyn kong-ú khà tiān-ōe, yin ē kā góa kóng tāi-ha̍k siâⁿ bô siáⁿ kái-piàn -- tāi-ha̍k-pō͘ ha̍k-seng iáu chin chē, kàu pài-la̍k àm tō lim kah chùi bâng-bâng, ha̍p-keh ê o͘-lâng cha-po͘ chin chió -- sòa-lo̍h yin tō o-ló góa tòa tī New York chin-chiàⁿ hó-ūn. Choăn, goán lóng ū sûi-lâng ê lí-iû cháu khì Jamaica. Goán kî-thāi jia̍t-tài chúi-kó chū-chō͘-chhan -- goán pó-chèng, mango chi̍t-tǹg siōng-chió tio̍h chia̍h la̍k-lia̍p. Goán boeh chē tī Carib hái-piⁿ, thǹg chhiah-kha phak ji̍t-thâu. Goán kóng tio̍h Andrea chhù-bī ê chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ -- chi̍t-ê yin hē nih sàng hō͘ yi hūn-ha̍p sìn-hō ê cha-po͘. Goán mā kóng tio̍h chi̍t-ê iau-chhiáⁿ Tracy chia̍h-pn̄g, m̄-koh yi bô khak-tēng ka-tī kám tùi i ū hèng-chhù ê cha-po͘. Góa thê-kiong kiàn-gī. Yin bô-lâng mn̄g góa ê romantic seng-oa̍h. Ū-sî, góa siūⁿ kóng yin tùi goán ê iú-chêng í-keng bô chhù-bī ah, m̄-koh, góa koh thê-chhéⁿ ka-tī, yin ū kóng-khí tio̍h koh liân-lo̍k. Iū-koh, tī góa lám yin ê sî, góa hòⁿ-kî, yin kám ē kám-kak ak-chak. Góa hoâi-gî, yin kám ē siūⁿ-kóng, góa chù-tiāⁿ lo̍h tē-ga̍k, a̍h sī siūⁿ-kóng, kō͘ bó͘-chióng hong-sek góa ū phah-khui yin ê su-sióng, hō͘ yin liáu-kái kî-thaⁿ ê seng-oa̍h hong-sek. Kóng chin ê, góa m̄-chai án-nóa siūⁿ chiah hó.
Goán kàu hotel pâng-keng ê sî, sui-bóng goán m̄-bat thó-lūn bîn-chhn̂g ê an-pâi, góa chù-ì tio̍h, tī góa chē lo̍h-lâi su-khó àm-sî ê kè-ōe ê sî, góa ka-tī chē chi̍t-téng chhn̂g, iá yin nn̄g-ê chē tī lēng-gōa hit-téng chhn̂g. Hit-àm, yin nn̄g-lâng tâng-chê peh chhiūⁿ chhn̂g, m̄-koh hit-sî góa kan-ta má-se má-se, it-ti̍t kàu keh-kang chá-khí chiah kám-kak sim chha̍k-thiàⁿ.
*
Âng-sek chhì-á-hoe ûi tī hotel sì-chiu tē-bīn, he hoe chhiong-móa hong-sîn khì; kāng hit-sî, phōaⁿ-lông Brian, phôe-hu chhián-sek koh iân-tâu, tī thâu-náu kiò-sī góa tùi i ū chhù-bī. Góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, i sī hit-chióng siong-sìn ka-tī ū khip-ín-la̍t ê o͘-lâng, in-ūi i ū tāi-ha̍k kàu-io̍k, m̄-bat chē-kaⁿ a̍h tī ke-lō͘ bē to̍k, iá nā kóng-tio̍h sè-kài, i sī ī-lūi (異類), i hit-ki chiok tōa ki. Chit-chióng cha-po͘ bē pàng o͘-lâng cha-bó͘ bē-kì-tit i sī yi ê lí-sióng, sū-si̍t-siōng, i bat té-chām tēng-hun ê chêng lú-pêng-iú sī chi̍t-ê pe̍h-lâng cha-bó͘. Lim-chiú ê sî, i kóng i siū Ivy League (Siông-chhun-tîn Liân-bêng) kàu-io̍k, ho̍k-bū tī kim-iông-kài, kóng ê sî koh put-sî khòaⁿ góa sī-m̄-sī ìn-siōng chhim-khek. Só͘-ū chham-ka hun-lé ê lâng lóng tī pa-tâi sio-hōe, m̄-sī koh sio-bat, tō sī chho͘-chhù kìⁿ-bīn. Lóng-chóng 30 chhut-thâu lâng, lâng-lâng lóng cheng-sîn hó, in-ūi chia sī thian-tông. Brian tng-teh kóng khí chi̍t-keng i bat hām chi̍t-ê chêng lú-iú khì kòe ê chhan-thiaⁿ, kòe bô kúi hun-cheng, Beyoncé hām Jay Z kéng piⁿ-á ê toh-á chē lo̍h-lâi. Tracy hām Andrea, iáu ū boeh kiat-hun ê nn̄g-ê pêng-iú Isaiah hām Tia, hām chē-chē ûi tio̍h ê lâng lóng hián-tit ìn-siōng chhim-khek, m̄-koh góa kiông boeh péng pe̍h-kâiⁿ. Góa kiâⁿ khui koh khì the̍h chiú ê sî, Wall-Ke Ss chhut-hiān tī góa sin-piⁿ, chhùi-khí pe̍h siak-siak, góa soah hòⁿ-kî, i tàu-té sī boeh ài góa ê siáⁿ. Góa ioh, i sī boeh ài sió-sió ê kà-kî seks, in-ūi i put-hēng tī tām-kùi lâi kàu bí-lē ê só͘-chāi lí-hêng, chia bô lú-pêng-iú, iá hit-ê i tī New York khùn ê cha-bó͘, chi̍t-ê súi koh chhián-sek phôe-hu ê sió ko͘-niû a̍h thian-chin ê pe̍h ko͘-niû, nā bô chìn chi̍t-pō͘ ê piáu-sī iū bē-tàng chhōa lâi lí-hêng.
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2. Kō͘ 遊客 ê 身份去 Jamaica
我一直想欲 kō͘ 遊客 ê 身份去 Jamaica -- kō͘ 外人 ê 身份來看這个島. 啥人無愛, tī 某一个時陣, tī 家治厝內予人服侍? 我懷疑, 就是因為 án-ne, 阮老母慣勢叫阮斟一杯水予她, 雖罔灶跤 tō tī 隔壁, mā 是因為 án-ne, 她 tī 無閒一工 ê 工課了後, 坐 tī 浴缸 nih, 叫阮中間 ê 一个 kā 她 lù 尻脊骿. 毋過, tī 我 kā 阮老母講起, 我欲去 Jamaica 參加一个外地婚禮 (destination wedding), 為 hit 對我讀法律學院 tī Madison 捌 ê 新人開掉所有 hiah-ê 錢 ê 時, 她咬牙切齒, 問我 he 錢敢無較好 ê 用途. 阮離開 Jamaica ê 時, 我猶是囡仔, 阮干焦 bat 轉去探望親情.
毋過我真樂觀 -- chia 是我一直想欲和朋友同齊去 ê 旅行, 今得欲實現 ah. 而且我需要旅行. 我無放袂記得 Allison. 我畢業了後, 她和我同齊搬轉 New York, 毋過對她來講, 彼是戲劇性 ê, 相連紲 ê gas 燈效應 (gaslighting), 她總是受害者, koh 無人, 甚至連表示愛她 ê 我, mā 袂當了解她 ê 疼痛. 做一个 chă 囡仔, 隔壁蹛一个查埔, 伊熱情邀請她過去, 閣來又強迫邀請她, án-ne 已經過幾若年 ah. 等她宣布講她欲搬轉 Midwest (美國中西部), Brooklyn ê 生活步調無合她, koh 講我予她想起姻老母, 因為阮 ê 星座相仝 ê 時, 我無求她留落來. 我 teh 戀愛, 毋過我忝 ah.
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Tracy 和 Andrea 攏對阮 ê 旅行興 chhih-chhih. 姻攏猶蹛 tī Midwest 讀學位, 我會 ùi 我蹛 ê Brooklyn 公寓敲電話, 姻會 kā 我講大學城無啥改變 -- 大學部學生猶真濟, 到拜六暗 tō 啉 kah 醉茫茫, 合格 ê 烏人查埔真少 -- 紲落姻 tō o-ló 我蹛 tī New York 真正好運. Choăn, 阮攏有隨人 ê 理由走去 Jamaica. 阮期待熱帶水果自助餐 -- 阮保證, mango 一頓上少著食六粒. 阮欲坐 tī Carib 海邊, 褪赤跤曝日頭. 阮講著 Andrea 趣味 ê 一个查埔 -- 一个姻系 nih 送予她混合信號 ê 查埔. 阮 mā 講著一个邀請 Tracy 食飯, 毋過她無確定家治敢對伊有興趣 ê 查埔. 我提供建議. 姻無人問我 ê romantic 生活. 有時, 我想講姻對阮 ê 友情已經無趣味 ah, 毋過, 我 koh 提醒家治, 姻有講起著 koh 連絡. 又閣, tī 我攬姻 ê 時, 我好奇, 姻敢會感覺齷齪. 我懷疑, 姻敢會想講, 我註定落地獄, a̍h 是想講, kō͘ 某種方式我有拍開姻 ê 思想, 予姻了解其他 ê 生活方式. 講真 ê, 我毋知按怎想才好.
阮到 hotel 房間 ê 時, 雖罔阮毋捌討論眠床 ê 安排, 我注意著, tī 我坐落來思考暗時 ê 計畫 ê 時, 我家治坐一頂床, iá 姻兩个坐 tī 另外彼頂床. 彼暗, 姻兩人同齊 peh 上床, 毋過彼時我干焦馬西馬西, 一直到隔工早起才感覺心鑿疼.
*
紅色刺仔花圍 tī hotel 四周地面, he 花充滿風神氣; 仝彼時, 伴郎 Brian, 皮膚淺色 koh 緣投, tī 頭腦叫是我對伊有趣味. 我看會出, 伊是彼種相信家治有吸引力 ê 烏人, 因為伊有大學教育, 毋捌坐監 a̍h tī 街路賣毒, iá 若講著世界, 伊是 ī-lūi (異類), 伊彼支足大支. 這種查埔袂放烏人查某袂記得伊是她 ê 理想, 事實上, 伊 bat 短站訂婚 ê 前女朋友是一个白人查某. 啉酒 ê 時, 伊講伊受 Ivy League (常春藤聯盟) 教育, 服務 tī 金融界, 講 ê 時 koh 不時看我是毋是印象深刻. 所有參加婚禮 ê 人攏 tī 吧台相會, 毋是 koh 相捌, 就是初次見面. 攏總 30 出頭人, 人人攏精神好, 因為 chia 是天堂. Brian tng-teh 講起一間伊 bat 和一个前女友去過 ê 餐廳, 過無幾分鐘, Beyoncé 和 Jay Z 揀邊仔 ê 桌仔坐落來. Tracy 和 Andrea, 猶有欲結婚 ê 兩个朋友 Isaiah 和 Tia, 和濟濟圍著 ê 人攏顯得印象深刻, 毋過我強欲反白睚. 我行開 koh 去提酒 ê 時, Wall 街 Ss 出現 tī 我身邊, 喙齒白 siak-siak, 我煞好奇, 伊到底是欲愛我 ê 啥. 我臆, 伊是欲愛小小 ê 假期 seks, 因為伊不幸 tī 淡季來到美麗 ê 所在旅行, chia 無女朋友, iá 彼个伊 tī New York 睏 ê 查某, 一个媠 koh 淺色皮膚 ê 小姑娘 a̍h 天真 ê 白姑娘, 若無進一步 ê 表示又袂當 chhōa 來旅行.
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2.
I’d always wanted to go to Jamaica as a tourist — to see the island as an outsider. Who doesn’t want to, at a certain point, be pampered in her own home? It’s why, I suspect, my mother used to ask us to bring her a glass of water even though the kitchen was the next room over, and why she would sit in the bathtub after a long day at work and call one of us to scrub her back. Yet when I told my mother that I was going to a destination wedding in Jamaica, spending all that money for a couple I’d known in Madison when I was in law school, she hissed her teeth and asked if I didn’t have better use for my money. We’d left Jamaica when I was a child, and we’d gone back only to visit family.
But I was optimistic — here was the trip I’d always wanted to take with my friends, and finally it was happening. And I needed to travel. I wasn’t over Allison. After I graduated, she’d moved back to New York with me, but it was all drama with her, the persistent gaslighting and the fact that she was always the victim as no one, not even I, who claimed to love her, could understand her trauma. As a girl, there’d been a man who lived next door, who invited her over affectionately and then forcefully, and it had gone on for years. When she announced that she was moving back to the Midwest, that Brooklyn wasn’t her speed, and that I reminded her of her mother since we shared the same horoscope sign, I hadn’t begged her to stay. I was in love but I was tired.
*
Tracy and Andrea were both excited about our trip. They were still living in the Midwest pursuing their degrees, and I would call from my apartment in Brooklyn and they would tell me how the college town hadn’t changed — the undergraduates were still plentiful and boozy on a Saturday night, the black eligible men were few — and then they would gush over how lucky I was to be living in New York. And so we all had our separate reasons for fleeing to Jamaica. We looked forward to the buffets of tropical fruit — we would, we pledged, eat mangoes by the half dozen. We wanted to sit by the Caribbean Sea, our legs naked and warmed by the sun. We talked about a man Andrea was interested in — a man in her department who was giving her mixed signals. We talked about a man who’d asked Tracy to dinner but she was unsure whether she was interested. I offered advice. Neither of them asked about my romantic life. Sometimes, I thought they were just no longer interested in our friendship, but then I reminded myself that they’d made a point of keeping in touch. Still, when I hugged them, I would wonder if they felt uncomfortable. I questioned whether they thought I was destined for hell or if I had, in some way, opened up their minds to other ways of living. But really, I had no idea what to think.
When we arrived at the hotel room, although we’d never discussed sleeping arrangements, I noticed that when we sat down to figure out our evening plans, I was sitting on one bed by myself and they were sitting on the other bed. Later that night, they crawled into bed together but I only registered this through tipsy eyes, and so it wasn’t until the next morning that it stung.
*
Red bougainvillea framed the grounds of the hotel, those prideful flowers, and meanwhile Brian, the best man, lightskinned and pretty, decided in his head that I was interested in him. I could tell that he was the species of black man who believed that he was a catch because he was college educated, hadn’t ever been to jail or sold drugs in the hood, and as far as the world was concerned and fuck the fact that it exoticized him, he had a big dick. A man like that wasn’t about to let a black woman forget that he was her ideal and the fact that his ex-girlfriend, who he had been briefly engaged to, had been a white woman. Over drinks, he tossed his Ivy League education and job in finance my way, mentioning it casually but making eye contact with me every now and then to see whether this information impressed me. All of us who had come for the wedding had met in the bar, reacquainting or meeting for the first time. There were a little over thirty of us, and energy was high because here we were in paradise. Brian was talking about a restaurant he had gone to with an ex-girlfriend, and a few minutes later, Beyoncé and Jay Z were seated at the table next to them. Tracy and Andrea, and Isaiah and Tia, our two friends to be married, as well as everyone else gathered around looked impressed, but I almost rolled my eyes. When I left to get another drink, Mr. Wall Street showed up next to me, flashing his well-attended teeth, and meanwhile I was wondering exactly what it was that he wanted from me. I assumed that it was a little vacation sex because he had the misfortune of traveling to a beautiful locale during the off-season, that he was without a girlfriend, and that the woman he was sleeping with in New York, a pretty little young light-skinned thing or a naïve white girl, couldn’t be taken on the trip without assuming that it meant something more than it was.
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