2. 阮 mā 訂上俗 ê hotel

2. Goán mā tēng siōng sio̍k ê hotel

Chi̍t-ê boeh-àm góa bô ì-tiong hoat-hiān hit-châng chhiū-á. Goán lâi kàu chi̍t-ê góa m̄-bat kìⁿ kòe ê siâⁿ-tìn pō͘-hūn, tī chhī tiong-sim ê iáu chi̍t-pêng, teh chhōe chi̍t-keng Tek-kok chhiau-kip chhī-tiûⁿ, tī Sai-Europa chin phó͘-phiàn ê liân-só tiàm, m̄-koh tī Sofia kan-ta chi̍t-keng. He kóng sī tiàm, tian-tò khah sêng chhng-khò͘, chin ê, bô hòe-kè, kan-ta ū tōa kha tháng-á, hō͘ lâng tī hia chhiau, mi̍h-kiāⁿ lām kah jû-chháng-chháng, chi̍t-tháng sī cha̍p-kúi chióng chokolet, lēng-gōa chi̍t-tháng sī khí-ko kap siu-bīn krím. Liân-só tiàm ū ka-tī ê phín-pâi, R. giàn boeh chia̍h i tī Lisbon seng-oa̍h ê bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ, léng-tòng ê lasagna /la-zá-nià/ (chheng-chân-mī 千層麵), tán goán tī chi̍t-tâi chhiau-tōa ê léng-tòng khò͘ hoat-hiān ê sî, i hoaⁿ-hí kah kui-ê kā mo͘h tī heng-chêng. Ùi tiàm kiâⁿ chiok kú chiah kàu metro (chia̍t-ūn, 捷運), in-ūi jîn-hêng-tō khàm chi̍t-iân peng-seh, kiâⁿ tio̍h koh khah bān; goán ná kiâⁿ R. ná liām, kiò góa chhiú mài chhah lak-tē-á nih, bián-tit ku̍t-tó, in-ūi góa chhiâng-chāi tāng-tio̍h tō ku̍t-tó; nā tī àm-sî, i tō ē kō͘ chhiú-kut kau góa ê chhiú-kut, hō͘ góa khiā khah chāi. R. tāi-seng khòaⁿ tio̍h chhiū-á, tī chi̍t-keng móa-móa sī Kitok-Seⁿ chng-thāⁿ mi̍h ê sè-keng tiàm-á ê tián-sī thang nih. Sīm-chì ùi gōa-kháu khòaⁿ, lí mā khòaⁿ ē-chhut he sī chho͘-sio̍k mi̍h, chiâu sī kim-sio̍k sòaⁿ kap sok-ka chang, m̄-koh R. kian-chhî kóng goán su-iàu bé chi̍t-châng, hām chng-thāⁿ mi̍h, koh chi̍t-a̍p teng; i kóng, góa boeh ài ū chi̍t-ê chin ê Kitok-Seⁿ. He chha-put-to 3 chhioh koân, khin báng-báng, m̄-koh seⁿ-chò pūn-chhiâng, goán kiâⁿ-lō͘ ê sî, góa tio̍h kō͘ siang-chhiú ná chhiūⁿ gín-á án-ne kā phō tio̍h. Góa kám-kak chē hóe-chhia chah che sió-khóa hó-chhiò, m̄-koh R. khòaⁿ tio̍h chin hong-sîn khì, i it-ti̍t kō͘ chi̍t-ki chhiú kā i hû tī goán nn̄g-lâng tiong-kan ê chē-ūi. Chi̍t-ē kàu chhù, sûi siūⁿ boeh kā chhiū-á chhāi khí-lâi, koh phah-khui hit-a̍p chhái-tòa, hoat-hiān he siuⁿ tōa, goán bô chù-ì tio̍h he sī hō͘ khah tōa châng ê chhiū-á iōng ê. I ná chhiò ná kā chi̍t-liàn koh chi̍t-liàn tān tī chhiū-oe; i kóng, taⁿ góa kā yi tān hó-sè, án-ne yi tō bē kôaⁿ ah. Yi, góa hòⁿ-kî tòe i kóng chi̍t-piàn, koh sió-khóa kā gio̍h-chhiò, che hō͘ i chi̍t-ê siūⁿ-hoat: yi tio̍h hō chi̍t-ê miâ, i kóng, tō koat-tēng kā hō-chò Madeleine, góa siūⁿ bô he sī ùi tó lâi, m̄-koh i kah-ì án-ne kiò. I kah-ì kā mi̍h-á hō-miâ, góa siūⁿ án-ne sī chi̍t-chióng chiàm-ū hong-sek, ta̍k-kái kiâⁿ kòe, i lóng kā yi kiò: Madeleine, Madeleine. I kā hit-a̍p chng-thāⁿ mi̍h khǹg kàu Kitok-Seⁿ hit-mê, sè-lia̍p po-lê chu goán kā kòa tī chhiū-oe ê kau-á, that tī chhái-tòa tiong-kan. Goán kūi tio̍h teh an-chng, tán hó-sè ê sî, R. tò-thè chē tī kha āu-teⁿ. Ná khan góa ê chhiú, i kóng, án-ne yi kám m̄-sī chin súi, m̄-koh i sûi ka-tī án-ne ìn: Yi chin súi, kám m̄-sī, góa siūⁿ, yi chin súi.

Goán khì Bologna, hia sī goán poe ē-kàu, siōng sio̍k ê só͘-chāi: ū 40 euro ê phiò, goán hù ē-khí. Goán múi-lâng chah chi̍t-kha sûi-sin hêng-lí, nā ke chah tio̍h khioh-chîⁿ, goán tah taksi khì ki-tiûⁿ ê kū hâng-chām, chia sī sio̍k-kè hâng-khong kong-si teh iōng. Che sī góa chho͘-chhù lī-khui chit-ê kok-ka. Tī hòng-ká ê sî, kî-thaⁿ ê Bí-kok lāu-su hun-hun khì pa̍t-ūi, hn̄g a̍h kīn -- Istanbul, Tangier, St. Petersburg -- góa lâu lo̍h-lâi; góa bô ài lí-hêng, góa kóng, góa ài an-ki tī kò͘-tēng ê só͘-chāi. Góa o̍h Bulgaria-gí, góa tha̍k-chheh, góa se̍h chhī tiong-sim ê ke-lō͘. M̄-koh góa ài hām R. chò-hóe lī-khui Sofia khì lí-hêng, tī Sofia sui-bóng in pêng-iú bô tī hia mā ū chi̍t-chióng pó-bi̍t ê ap-le̍k, tī hia ê ke-lō͘ sio khan-chhiú, tī kong-kiōng tiûⁿ-só͘ sio-chim, lóng siuⁿ gûi-hiám, m̄-koán gōa sûn-kiat, tī hia bô-lūn khì tó-ūi goán lóng tio̍h pó-chhî chi̍t-ê sûi-ki ê kī-lī; góa boeh ài hām i khì chi̍t-ê só͘-chāi, tī hia goán hō͘-siong ē-tàng khah chū-iû, khì chi̍t-ê Se-hong ê só͘-chāi. Che sī góa sàng i ê lé-mi̍h, chi̍t-kái tō͘-ká, chi̍t-tiap-á románs. Goán chá-chá lâi-kàu ki-tiûⁿ, pâi tē-it ê kéng chū-iû chō, chē thâu-chêng pâi, hia khah ū khǹg kha ê khong-kan. Kóng sī án-ne, góa ê kha-thâu-u mā kiông-boeh kha̍p tio̍h chē tùi-bīn, pa̍k tī áu-thia̍p-í ê tan-to̍k ho̍k-bū-oân ê. Yi kóng Eng-gí, góa kóng bē-chhut sī tó-ūi ê khiuⁿ-kháu, m̄-sī Bulgaria, sī sio̍k Tang Europa, yi khin-khin bî-chhiò, góa kám-kak chhin-chhiat, tán hui-ki khai-sí lo̍h kàu pháu-tō, goán lóng hō͘ sak kah tò-siàng hiàⁿ, R. sóa i ê chhiú khàm góa khǹg tī kha-thâu-u ê chhiú.

Goán mā tēng siōng sio̍k ê hotel, chi̍t-keng lī chhī tiong-sim put-chí-á hn̄g ê liân-só tiàm, gōa-kháu ū bus chām, ē-tit khì siâⁿ nih. Goán kàu í-keng siuⁿ òaⁿ, bē-tit chò siáⁿ thàm-hóng, tio̍h tán kàu chá-khí chiah ē-tàng khòaⁿ chit-ê siâⁿ-chhī. Goán ê pâng-keng chin oh bē hông kám-kak ah-ut, in-ūi chit-khoán só͘-chāi chóng-sī bē tháu-khùi, bô jīm-hô ū jîn-chêng-bī ê so͘-sóng. I tī jī-lâu, khòaⁿ chhut-khì sī thêng-chhia tiûⁿ. Che bô sêng chi̍t-ê Italia bāng, góa kóng, ì-sù sī teh hōe sit-lé, m̄-koh R. chhiò chhut-lâi, i kā pò͘-lî khiú kòe po-lê thang, koh kā góa sak kàu bîn-chhn̂g. Siáng koan-sim kéng-tì ah, chhn̂g chin hó, che siōng tiōng-iàu, lí tio̍h iàu-ì bîn-chhn̂g, chū án-ne goán nn̄g-lâng lóng chhiò, chi̍t-ê teh tī iáu chi̍t-ê téng-bīn.

Chit-keng hotel ê chi̍t-ê chhia-chhí sī goán keh-kang chá-khí hoat-hiān ê chá-tǹg, chū-chō͘ chhan ū nn̄g, bah-phìⁿ, yogurt hām chúi-kó, toh-á téng móa-móa sī ke-nn̄g-ko kap tart. Hit-sî iáu chá -- góa ū seng kià nāu-cheng, goán siūⁿ boeh kui-ji̍t tah-tah iû-siâⁿ -- góa su-iàu seng lim kapi, án-ne tio̍h tāng tio̍h ū sò͘-jī êng-bō͘ ê ho̍k-cha̍p ki-khì, koh tán chóa-poe thîn tīⁿ. Tán góa tńg lâi, góa hoat-hiān R. í-keng kā toh-á téng pâi móa pôaⁿ-á, ta̍k-hāng tiⁿ-liāu lóng chi̍t-pôaⁿ. I bô lâu ūi hō͘ góa khǹg kapi, góa khiā chi̍t-khùn tán i khêng ūi, kā pôaⁿ-á sóa lâi sóa khì, pìⁿ kah hiám-á hián-lo̍h thô͘-kha, ka-chài i ū chih-tio̍h. Góa chhut chi̍t-ê siaⁿ, hó khì koh hó chhiò, i taⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ góa, keng-thâu giâ chi̍t-ē. Ta̍k-pôaⁿ i lóng chia̍h chi̍t-chhùi, tō kā sóa kàu chit-pêng a̍h hit-pêng, kéng chhut i kah-ì ê mi̍h. Góa kú-kú khòaⁿ i chi̍t-khùn, jiân-āu góa kóng, Chin-chiàⁿ sī, góa ê kháu-khì pòaⁿ gî-būn, pòaⁿ m̄-sìn, kō͘ chhiú pí hit-toh pôaⁿ-á, thiaⁿ nih kap chia̍h-pn̄g ê lâng-lâng. I koh kā keng-thâu giâ chi̍t-ē, sì-bīn khòaⁿ kok-chióng lí-kheh, tōa pō͘-hūn sī seng-lí lâng, kap kúi-ā tùi ang-bó͘. Siáng koán hiah chē, i kóng, ná kō͘ chhiám-á ó͘ lēng-gōa chi̍t-phìⁿ mi̍h, in m̄-bat góa, lán mā bē koh tú-tio̍h in, góa ná tio̍h hoân-ló in án-nóa siūⁿ?

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2. 阮 mā 訂上俗 ê hotel

一个欲暗我無意中發現彼叢樹仔. 阮來到一个我毋捌見過 ê 城鎮部份, tī 市中心 ê 猶一爿, teh 揣一間德國超級市場, tī 西 Europa 真普遍 ê 連鎖店, 毋過 tī Sofia 干焦一間. 彼講是店, 顛倒較成倉庫, 真 ê, 無貨架, 干焦有大跤桶仔, 予人 tī hia 搜, 物件濫 kah 挐氅氅, 一桶是十幾種 chokolet, 另外一桶是齒膏 kap 修面 krím. 連鎖店有家治 ê 品牌, R. 癮欲食伊 tī Lisbon 生活 ê 某種物件, 冷凍 ê lasagna /la-zá-nià/ (chheng-chân-mī 千層麵), 等阮 tī 一台超大 ê 冷凍庫發現 ê 時, 伊歡喜 kah 規个 kā mo͘h tī 胸前. Ùi 店行足久才到 metro (chia̍t-ūn, 捷運), 因為人行道崁一沿冰雪, 行著閣較慢; 阮 ná 行 R. ná 念, 叫我手莫插橐袋仔 nih, 免得滑倒, 因為我常在動著 tō 滑倒; 若 tī 暗時, 伊 tō 會 kō͘ 手骨勾我 ê 手骨, 予我徛較在. R. 代先看著樹仔, tī 一間滿滿是基督生妝 thāⁿ 物 ê 細間店仔 ê 展示窗 nih. 甚至 ùi 外口看, 你 mā 看會出彼是粗俗物, 齊是金屬線 kap 塑膠鬃, 毋過 R. 堅持講阮需要買一叢, 和妝 thāⁿ 物, koh 一盒燈; 伊講, 我欲愛有一个真 ê 基督生. 彼差不多 3 尺懸, 輕 báng-báng, 毋過生做笨 chhiâng, 阮行路 ê 時, 我著 kō͘ 雙手 ná 像囡仔 án-ne kā 抱著. 我感覺坐火車扎這小可好笑, 毋過 R. 看著真風神氣, 伊一直 kō͘ 一支手 kā 伊扶 tī 阮兩人中間 ê 坐位. 一下到厝, 隨想欲 kā 樹仔 chhāi 起來, koh 拍開彼盒彩帶, 發現 he siuⁿ 大, 阮無注意著彼是予較大叢 ê 樹仔用 ê. 伊 ná 笑 ná kā 一輾 koh 一輾 tān tī 樹椏; 伊講, 今我 kā 她 tān 好勢, án-ne 她 tō 袂寒 ah. 她, 我好奇綴伊講一遍, koh 小可 kā 謔笑, 這予伊一个想法: 她著號一个名, 伊講, tō 決定 kā 號做 Madeleine, 我想無彼是 ùi 佗來, 毋過伊佮意 án-ne 叫. 伊佮意 kā 物仔號名, 我想 án-ne 是一種佔有方式, 逐改行過, 伊攏 kā 她叫: Madeleine, Madeleine. 伊 kā 彼盒妝 thāⁿ 物囥到基督生彼暝, 細粒玻璃珠阮 kā 掛 tī 樹椏 ê 勾仔, 窒 tī 彩帶中間. 阮跪著 teh 安裝, 等好勢 ê 時, R. 倒退坐 tī 跤後蹬. Ná 牽我 ê 手, 伊講, án-ne 她敢毋是真媠, 毋過伊隨家治 án-ne 應: 她真媠, 敢毋是, 我想, 她真媠.

阮去 Bologna, hia 是阮飛會到, 上俗 ê 所在: 有 40 euro ê 票, 阮付會起. 阮每人扎一跤隨身行李, 若加扎著抾錢, 阮搭 taksi 去機場 ê 舊航站, chia 是俗價航空公司 teh 用. 這是我初次離開這个國家. Tī 放假 ê 時, 其他 ê 美國老師紛紛去別位, 遠 a̍h 近 -- Istanbul, Tangier, St. Petersburg -- 我留落來; 我無愛旅行, 我講, 我愛安居 tī 固定 ê 所在. 我學 Bulgaria 語, 我讀冊, 我踅市中心 ê 街路. 毋過我愛和 R. 做伙離開 Sofia 去旅行, tī Sofia 雖罔 in 朋友無 tī hia mā 有一種保密 ê 壓力, tī hia ê 街路相牽手, tī 公共場所相唚, 攏 siuⁿ 危險, 毋管偌純潔, tī hia 無論去佗位阮攏著保持一个隨機 ê 距離; 我欲愛和伊去一个所在, tī hia 阮互相會當較自由, 去一个西方 ê 所在. 這是我送伊 ê 禮物, 一改渡假, 一 tiap 仔 románs. 阮早早來到機場, 排第一个揀自由座, 坐頭前排, hia 較有囥跤 ê 空間. 講是 án-ne, 我 ê 跤頭趺 mā 強欲磕著坐對面, 縛 tī 拗疊椅 ê 單獨服務員 ê. 她講英語, 我講袂出是佗位 ê 腔口, 毋是 Bulgaria, 是屬東 Europa, 她輕輕微笑, 我感覺親切, 等飛機開始落到跑道, 阮攏予捒 kah 倒摔向, R. 徙伊 ê 手崁我囥 tī 跤頭趺 ê 手.

阮 mā 訂上俗 ê hotel, 一間離市中心不止仔遠 ê 連鎖店, 外口有 bus 站, 會得去城 nih. 阮到已經 siuⁿ 晏, 袂得做啥探訪, 著等到早起才會當看這个城市. 阮 ê 房間真僫袂 hông 感覺壓鬱, 因為這款所在總是袂敨氣, 無任何有人情味 ê 蘇爽. 伊 tī 二樓, 看出去是停車場. 這無成一个 Italia 夢, 我講, 意思是 teh 會失禮, 毋過 R. 笑出來, 伊 kā 布簾搝過玻璃窗, koh kā 我捒到眠床. Siáng 關心景致 ah, 床真好, 這上重要, 你著要意眠床, 自 án-ne 阮兩人攏笑, 一个硩 tī 猶一个頂面.

這間 hotel ê 一个奢侈是阮隔工早起發現 ê 早頓, 自助餐有卵, 肉片, yogurt 和水果, 桌仔頂滿滿是雞卵糕 kap tart. 彼時猶早 -- 我有先寄鬧鐘, 阮想欲規日貼貼遊城 -- 我需要先啉 kapi, án-ne 著動著有數字螢幕 ê 複雜機器, koh 等紙杯斟滇. 等我轉來, 我發現 R. 已經 kā 桌仔頂排滿盤仔, 逐項甜料攏一盤. 伊無留位予我囥 kapi, 我徛一睏等伊 khêng 位, kā 盤仔徙來徙去, pìⁿ kah 險仔 hián 落塗跤, 佳哉伊有 chih 著. 我出一个聲, 好氣 koh 好笑, 伊 taⁿ 頭看我, 肩頭夯一下. 逐盤伊攏食一喙, tō kā 徙到這爿 a̍h 彼爿, 揀出伊佮意 ê 物. 我久久看伊一睏, 然後我講, 真正是, 我 ê 口氣半疑問, 半毋信, kō͘ 手比彼桌盤仔, 廳 nih kap 食飯 ê 人人. 伊 koh kā 肩頭夯一下, 四面看各種旅客, 大部份是生理人, kap 幾若對翁某. Siáng 管 hiah 濟, 伊講, ná kō͘ 攕仔挖另外一片物, in 毋捌我, 咱 mā 袂 koh 拄著 in, 我那著煩惱 in 按怎想?

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2.

We found the tree by chance one late afternoon. We were in a part of town I’d never seen before, on the other side of the city center, looking for a German supermarket, a chain that was popular in Western Europe but that had only the single store in Sofia. It was less a store than a warehouse, really, there weren’t shelves but huge bins people pawed through, so that everything was mixed together, a dozen kinds of chocolate bar in one bin, toothpaste and shaving cream in another. The chain had its own brand of food, and R. was craving something from his life in Lisbon, a frozen lasagna, and when we found it in an oversized freezer case he clutched it to his chest with happiness. It was a long walk from the store to the metro, longer because the sidewalks were caked with ice; R. scolded me as we walked, telling me to take my hands out of my pockets, to keep them free in case I slipped, as for whatever reason I did often enough; if it had been night he would have passed his arm through mine to keep me upright. R. saw the trees first, in the window of a little shop that was full of Christmas decorations. Even from outside you could see how cheap they were, all metal wire and plastic bristles, but R. insisted that we needed one, and ornaments, a box of lights; I want to have a real Christmas, he said. It was maybe three feet tall, it hardly weighed anything but it was cumbersome, I held it in both arms like a child as we walked. I felt a little ridiculous sitting with it on the train but R. seemed proud, he kept one arm around it to hold it steady on the seat between us. When we got home, he wanted to trim the tree right away, and he opened the box of tinsel to find that it was far too large, we hadn’t been paying attention, it was meant for a much bigger tree. He laughed as he wrapped it again and again around the branches; she was swaddled now, he said, it would keep her warm. Her, I repeated back to him, inquisitive, mocking him a little, and this gave him an idea: she needed a name, he said, and he decided to call her Madeleine, I don’t have any idea where it came from but he loved to say it. He liked to give things names, I think it was a way of laying claim to them, and he called out to her every time he passed, almost singing it, Madeleine, Madeleine. He saved the box of ornaments for Christmas Eve, little glass balls we hung from hooks on the branches, tucked among the tinsel. We knelt to arrange them, and when we finished R. sat back on his heels. Isn’t she beautiful, he said, taking my hand in his, but he answered the question himself: She is, isn’t she, I think she’s beautiful.

We went to Bologna because it was the cheapest place we could fly: there were tickets for forty euros, a price I could afford. We packed a single carry-on each, anything else would have meant a fee, and rode in a cab to the airport’s old terminal, which the budget airlines used. It was my first time leaving the country. During breaks, when the other American teachers left for places near or far—Istanbul, Tangier, St. Petersburg—I stayed behind; I didn’t want to travel, I said, I wanted to be settled in a single place. I studied Bulgarian, I read, I wandered the streets downtown. But I did want to travel with R., to leave Sofia, where even when his friends were gone there was a pressure of secrecy, where it was too dangerous to hold hands in the streets, to kiss in public, however chastely, where everywhere we had to keep a casual distance; I wanted to be with him in a place where we could be freer with each other, a place in the West. It was my gift to him, a getaway, a bit of romance. We arrived at the airport early enough to be first in line for the unassigned seats, and sat in the front row, where there was extra room for our legs. Even so, my knees almost touched those of the single attendant who sat facing us, strapped into her foldout seat. She spoke English with an accent I couldn’t place, not Bulgarian but something Eastern European, and she smiled slightly, kindly I thought, when the plane started down the runway, thrusting us all back, and R. moved his hand to cover mine where it lay on my knee.

We booked the cheapest hotel, too, a chain a good way from the city center, with a bus stop outside for getting to town. We arrived too late for any exploring, we’d have to wait until morning to see the city. It was hard not to feel depressed by our room, which had the corporate airlessness of such places, comfort sterilized of any human touch. It was on the second floor, overlooking the parking lot. It’s not exactly a dream of Italy, I said, meaning it as an apology, but R. laughed, he drew the curtain across the glass and pulled me to the bed. Who cares about the view, he said, the bed is nice, that’s all that matters, you should care about the bed, and then we were both laughing, one on top of the other.

The hotel’s one luxury was the breakfast we found the next morning, a buffet of eggs and sliced meats, yogurt and fruit, a table overloaded with cakes and tarts. It was early still—we had set our alarms, we wanted the whole day for the city—and I needed coffee first, which meant a complicated machine with a digital screen, then waiting for the paper cup to fill. When I turned back, I saw that R. had covered our table with little plates, a sample from each of the sweets. He hadn’t left any room for me, I stood for a moment while he tried to clear a space for my coffee, shifting the plates around until one almost tipped onto the floor, he caught it just in time. I made a little noise, exasperated and amused, and he looked up at me and shrugged. He would take a single bite from each plate, then move it to one side or the other, sorting out the things he liked. I watched him for a while, and then, Really, I said, my tone half question, half disbelief, making a gesture that took in the table with its plates, the room, the other people eating. He shrugged again, glancing around at the assortment of other travellers, businessmen mostly, a few couples. Who cares, he said, using his fork to dig into another piece of something, they don’t know me, we’ll never see them again, why should I care what they think?

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