V. Kap-á Ông | 蛤仔王 - 1. 伊初次看著雪

The Frog King /by Garth Greenwell
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/11/26/the-frog-king
November 19, 2018

Kap-á Ông | 蛤仔王

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1. I chho͘-chhù khòaⁿ tio̍h seh

Iáu siuⁿ chá, bô khó-lêng ū hiah kng, só͘-í chhéⁿ lâi ê sî, góa seng siūⁿ tio̍h ê sī seh. Boeh khùn chìn-chêng goán ū khiú thang-á lî, m̄-koh he bô-hoat-tō͘ kā pâng-keng cha̍h-àm, seh kā lō͘-teng hām neon teng chi̍t-pō͘-hūn ê kng hoán-siā kòe lâi. Ū kàu kng, khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h R. tī góa sin-piⁿ iáu teh khùn, kiu tī thán-á nih, he sī goán tē-it pái chò-hóe kòe-mê liáu góa chiah bé ê; hit-kang góa chhéⁿ lâi, khu̍h-khu̍h chùn, khòaⁿ tio̍h i kō͘ goán kong-ke ê mî-phōe pa̍k ân-ân, tān chò chi̍t-pau khùn tī góa sin-piⁿ. Hit-kang, i it-ti̍t bô thâu bô bóe kóng hit-ê sû, tān chò chi̍t-pau, tān chò chi̍t-pau, í-chêng i m̄-bat thiaⁿ kòe, hit-ê siaⁿ hō͘ i khí ài-chhiò. I ē koh khùn kúi-ā tiám-cheng, góa nā hō͘ khùn, i ē khùn kui-kang. I hit-chióng khùn hoat, góa bô kah-ì, ū ki-hōe i tō khùn, bē-su khùn sī i ê pún-sèng, nā góa neh, góa chóng-sī khùn bē lo̍h-bîn, bē sù-sī, lo̍h-bóe chhéⁿ-lâi tian-tò kám-kak khin-sang. Góa nā kā kiò chhéⁿ, i tō bâi-oàn, kóng i teh tō͘-ká, hō͘ i khùn lah, m̄-koh, góa nā kì-chāi i khùn, i koh khah ē bâi-oàn. Goán kan-ta ū 10-kang thang chò-hóe, i ê hân-ká i koat-tēng boeh lâi Sofia, sui-bóng in pêng-iú lóng tńg-chhù. Chá-khí sî sī góa kang-chok ê sî-chūn, tha̍k-chheh, siá-chok, sī góa tan-to̍k ê sî-kan; góa chin kín tō boeh khí-chhn̂g, m̄-koh chit-sî góa ti̍t-ti̍t khòaⁿ i, i ê bīn ū chhùi-chhiu, o͘-o͘, khùn kah bīn pêⁿ-pêⁿ. Góa kiông boeh tòng bē-tiâu mài kā bong, tī i chheng-chhéⁿ ê sî, góa chhiâng-chāi kā bong, kō͘ chhiú-té phô͘ i ê ē-hâi a̍h chhun-chhiú so i ê thâu-khak óaⁿ. Ha̍k-kî kiat-sok ê sî, i khì thì-thâu, góa kah-ì kō͘ chhiú kā so lâi so khì, it-ti̍t kàu i kiu-cháu, kiò góa tòng-tiām, àu-náu m̄-koh mā ná teh chhiò; sīm-chì jiá tùi-hong àu-náu mā hō͘ goán tit-tio̍h khoài-lo̍k, goán chin chá tō loân-ài ah.

Oat ji̍p-khì tōa-thiaⁿ ê sî, góa iáu sī ài-khùn-sîn, góa khiā tī hia chi̍t-khùn sa bô cháng-thâu, chiah hoat-kiàn sī R. cha-mê kā mi̍h-kiāⁿ têng-sin pò͘-tì. I kā toh-á poaⁿ kàu pâng-keng tiong-ng, góa ê seh-hia (雪靴) tī téng-bīn, khǹg tī goán hit lé-pài chho͘ bé ê sió chhiū piⁿ-á. Thóng-chhut seh-hia ū pò-chóa pau ê pau-kó, he sī i sàng góa ê Kitok-Seⁿ (Christmas) lé-mi̍h; i tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī kàu-tè liáu-āu kā he iap tī tó-ūi, tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī cha-mê khí-chhn̂g, neh-kha kiâⁿ bián-tit phah-chhéⁿ góa, poaⁿ ka-kū mā tiām chiuh-chiuh. Góa khòaⁿ kah thêng-khùi, kám-kak nâ-âu chi̍t-chūn ân-ân sio-sio ê ngiáu-tāng. Góa kám-kak sim-koaⁿ boeh po̍k-chah, kō͘ chhàu-sng-ōe tō sī án-ne kóng, m̄-koh góa iáu-sī kám-siā chit-ê kóng-hoat, in-ūi che ē-tàng sîn tio̍h góa ê kám-kak, chèng-bêng i ê phó͘-phiàn sèng. Góa mā kám-siā góa ê kám-kak ê phó͘-phiàn sèng, góa kám-kak bó͘-chióng sin-siōng ê kú-nî chheⁿ-hūn kám tit-tio̍h tháu-pàng, góa kám-kak ka-tī sī jîn-lūi ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn.

Hit-ê kôaⁿ-thiⁿ, i chho͘-chhù khòaⁿ tio̍h seh, i kah-ì chhut-khì tī seh nih, kah-ì tī lo̍h-seh ê sî siang-chhiu thián-khui, chhùi khui-khui ǹg thiⁿ. Hit ē-po͘ goán chhut-khì, seh í-keng ū kha-jiah, m̄-koh iáu sī chin súi; ká-kî ê ke-lō͘ chin chēng, só͘-ū ê tiàm lóng koaiⁿ-mn̂g. Goán ê ûi-kin sī góa phah-khui khǹg tī chhiū-kha ê lé-mi̍h, tn̂g-tn̂g, chhiah kāng-khoán ê hoe-chháu, chi̍t-tiâu n̂g-sek, iáu chi̍t-tiâu nâ-sek; R. kóng, lán mài chiâⁿ-chò chhēng kāng-khoán saⁿ ê lâm-pêng-iú, m̄-koh ē-sái ū chi̍t-hāng sio-kāng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, chi̍t-hāng sio-kāng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ mā bē-bái. Goán kiâⁿ bô hn̄g, kan-ta kiâⁿ ke-khu ê chi̍t-pòaⁿ, tī hia góa kho͘ su̍t-á, chi̍t-ê té koh tiàu koân ê siaⁿ-tiāu, kho͘ saⁿ-kái, he sī chi̍t-ê sìn-hō. Yi hoān-sè bô tī hia, góa pún-chiâⁿ ū án-ne kóng, yi m̄-sī it-ti̍t tī hia, yi ē khì pa̍t-ūi, a̍h sī ū lâng siu-liû ah, m̄-koh chin kín, yi tō ùi lâu-pâng āu-piah hit-ê lāu só͘-chāi chhut-hiān. Yi ū ka-tī ê súi khoán, chhián chang-sek, tiong-téng sin-châi, hām tōa pō͘-hūn Sofia ê ke-lō͘ káu kāng-khoán, siuⁿ sán, sin-khu chi̍t-pêng ū thái-ko. Góa siūⁿ, khòaⁿ tio̍h goán yi chin hoaⁿ-hí, siū tio̍h chù-ì yi chóng-sī hoaⁿ-hí, sui-bóng yi bô chhiūⁿ kî-thaⁿ ê káu hiah ū chū-sìn; yi khiā óa tī piah-piⁿ, bóe ná iô, tú khai-sí bô kiâⁿ siuⁿ óa. Sīm-chì hō͘ goán kā phok, yi iáu sī pó-chhî kī-lī, kiu-kiu kā sin-khu thán-hoâiⁿ hō͘ goán chhun ē-kàu, m̄-koh yi ê thâu pó-chhî chi̍t-ê kak-tō͘ oa̍t hiòng pa̍t-ūi, sī chi̍t-chióng iū ì-ài iū kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ ê hūn-ha̍p-thé. Ū-lâng kā kà kòe, góa siūⁿ, bat ū-lâng a̍h chē-chē lâng kā phah kòe, m̄-koh m̄-sī tī chit kho͘-lē-á, chia ê lâng lóng tùi yi chin hó, yi sī chèng-lâng ê thióng-bu̍t. Yi khah bô hiah pì-sù ah, khòaⁿ tio̍h R. ùi tōa-i lak-tē-á thiu chhut chi̍t-pau chia̍h-mi̍h, in-ūi kòa chhiú-thò bē liú-lia̍h, i tio̍h seng thǹg chhiú-thò chiah ū hoat-tō͘ liah-khui pau-chong, giú-chhut chi̍t-tiâu bah-phìⁿ. Khòaⁿ tio̍h he, yi khai-sí hiⁿ-hiⁿ kiò, chhia̍k-chhia̍k-tiô óa lâi, iá i khin siaⁿ kho͘ yi ê miâ, Lilliyana, m̄-koh he tùi yi bô siáⁿ ì-gī, put-kò sī i hoat-bêng ê miâ, i jīn-ûi chit-ê miâ sek-ha̍p yi. I kóng, "Ela tuka", che sī góa kà i ê ōe: lâi chia, i chhun chhut chia̍h-mi̍h, hō͘ yi the̍h, yi tō chhun ām-kún, chhùi-tûn giú āu, kō͘ mn̂g-gê kā chia̍h-mi̍h, ná chhiūⁿ lo̍k-á tiah chhiū-hio̍h án-ne. I tī chêng-àm goán khì khoán keh-kang ê mi̍h ê sî bé hiah-ê chia̍h-mi̍h; i kóng, Kitok-Seⁿ yi mā tio̍h chia̍h chi̍t-tǹg hó-liāu. Jiân-āu yi hō͘ goán koh khah tōa-la̍t phok, kiâⁿ khah óa, sīm-chì kā sin-khu khò tī i ê kha, boeh ài koh chi̍t-tè, i koh hō͘ yi, sui-bóng kin-á-ji̍t lóng-chóng kan-ta án-ne, i kā kóng, bîn-á-chài ū khah chē. Góa siūⁿ, yi ū tông-ì, goán oa̍t-sin kiâⁿ-khui, yi bô chhiūⁿ tōa pō͘-hūn ê káu án-ne koh lâi tîⁿ; yi siau-sit tī lâu-pâng āu-bīn, tńg khì yi ē-tit an-sin ê só͘-chāi.

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1. 伊初次看著雪

猶 siuⁿ 早, 無可能有 hiah 光, 所以醒來 ê 時, 我先想著 ê 是雪. 欲睏進前阮有搝窗仔簾, 毋過彼無法度 kā 房間閘暗, 雪 kā 路燈和 neon 燈一部份 ê 光反射過來. 有夠光, 看會著 R. tī 我身邊猶 teh 睏, 勼 tī 毯仔 nih, 彼是阮第一擺做伙過暝了我才買 ê; 彼工我醒來, khu̍h-khu̍h 顫, 看著伊 kō͘ 阮公家 ê 棉被縛絚絚, tān 做一包睏 tī 我身邊. 彼工, 伊一直無頭無尾講彼个詞, tān 做一包, tān 做一包, 以前伊毋捌聽過, 彼个聲予伊起愛笑. 伊會 koh 睏幾若點鐘, 我若予睏, 伊會睏規工. 伊彼種睏法, 我無佮意, 有機會伊 tō 睏, 袂輸睏是伊 ê 本性, 若我 neh, 我總是睏袂落眠, 袂四序, 落尾醒來顛倒感覺輕鬆. 我若 kā 叫醒, 伊 tō 埋怨, 講伊 teh 渡假, 予伊睏 lah, 毋過, 我若據在伊睏, 伊閣較會埋怨. 阮干焦有 10 工通做伙, 伊 ê 寒假伊決定欲來 Sofia, 雖罔 in 朋友攏轉厝. 早起時是我工作 ê 時陣, 讀冊, 寫作, 是我單獨 ê 時間; 我真緊 tō 欲起床, 毋過這時我直直看伊, 伊 ê 面有喙鬚, 烏烏, 睏 kah 面平平. 我強欲擋袂牢莫 kā 摸, tī 伊清醒 ê 時, 我常在 kā 摸, kō͘ 手底 phô͘ 伊 ê 下頦 a̍h 伸手挲伊 ê 頭殼碗. 學期結束 ê 時, 伊去剃頭, 我佮意 kō͘ 手 kā 挲來挲去, 一直到伊勼走, 叫我擋恬, 懊惱毋過 mā ná teh 笑; 甚至惹對方懊惱 mā 予阮得著快樂, 阮真早 tō 戀愛 ah.

斡入去大廳 ê 時, 我猶是愛睏神, 我徛 tī hia 一睏捎無摠頭, 才發見是 R. 昨暝 kā 物件重新布置. 伊 kā 桌仔搬到房間中央, 我 ê seh-hia (雪靴) tī 頂面, 囥 tī 阮 hit 禮拜初買 ê 小樹邊仔. 捅出雪靴有報紙包 ê 包裹, he 是伊送我 ê 基督生禮物; 伊定著是到地了後 kā he iap tī 佗位, 定著是昨暝起床, 躡跤行免得拍醒我, 搬家具 mā 恬 chiuh-chiuh. 我看 kah 停氣, 感覺嚨喉一陣絚絚燒燒 ê 撓動. 我感覺心肝欲爆炸, kō͘ 臭酸話就是 án-ne 講, 毋過我猶是感謝這个講法, 因為這會當承著我 ê 感覺, 證明伊 ê 普遍性. 我 mā 感謝我 ê 感覺 ê 普遍性, 我感覺某種身上 ê 久年生份感得著敨放, 我感覺家治是人類 ê 一部份.

彼个寒天, 伊初次看著雪, 伊佮意出去 tī 雪 nih, 佮意 tī 落雪 ê 時雙手展開, 喙開開 ǹg 天. 彼下晡阮出去, 雪已經有跤跡, 毋過猶是真媠; 假期 ê 街路真靜, 所有 ê 店攏關門. 阮 ê 圍巾是我拍開囥 tī 樹跤 ê 禮物, 長長, 刺仝款 ê 花草, 一條黃色, 猶一條藍色; R. 講, 咱莫成做穿仝款衫 ê 男朋友, 毋過會使有一項相仝 ê 物件, 一項相仝 ê 物件 mā 袂䆀. 阮行無遠, 干焦行街區 ê 一半, tī hia 我 kho͘ su̍t-á, 一个短 koh 吊懸 ê 聲調, kho͘ 三改, 彼是一个信號. 她凡勢無 tī hia, 我本成有 án-ne 講, 她毋是一直 tī hia, 她會去別位, 抑是有人收留 ah, 毋過真緊, 她 tō ùi 樓房後壁彼个老所在出現. 她有家治 ê 媠款, 淺棕色, 中等身材, 和大部份 Sofia ê 街路狗仝款, siuⁿ 瘦, 身軀一爿有癩哥. 我想, 看著阮她真歡喜, 受著注意她總是歡喜, 雖罔她無像其他 ê 狗 hiah 有自信; 她徛倚 tī 壁邊, 尾 ná 搖, 拄開始無行 siuⁿ 倚. 甚至予阮 kā 撲, 她猶是保持距離, 勼勼 kā 身軀坦橫予阮伸會到, 毋過她 ê 頭保持一个角度越向別位, 是一種又意愛又驚驚 ê 混合體. 有人 kā 教過, 我想, bat 有人 a̍h 濟濟人 kā 拍過, 毋過毋是 tī 這 kho͘-lē-á, chia ê 人攏對她真好, 她是眾人 ê 寵物. 她較無 hiah 閉思 ah, 看著 R. ùi 大衣橐袋仔抽出一包食物, 因為掛手套袂扭掠, 伊著先褪手套才有法度裂開包裝, 搝出一條肉片. 看著彼, 她開始 hiⁿ-hiⁿ 叫, 嚓嚓趒倚來, iá 伊輕聲 kho͘ 她 ê 名, Lilliyana, 毋過彼對她無啥意義, 不過是伊發明 ê 名, 伊認為這个名適合她. 伊講, "Ela tuka", 這是我教伊 ê 話: 來 chia, 伊伸出食物, 予她提, 她 tō 伸頷頸, 喙唇搝後, kō͘ 門牙咬食物, ná 像鹿仔摘樹葉 án-ne. 伊 tī 前暗阮去款隔工 ê 物 ê 時買 hiah-ê 食物; 伊講, 基督生她 mā 著食一頓好料. 然後她予阮 koh 較大力撲, 行較倚, 甚至 kā 身軀靠 tī 伊 ê 跤, 欲愛 koh 一塊, 伊 koh 予她, 雖罔今仔日攏總干焦 án-ne, 伊 kā 講, 明仔載有較濟. 我想, 她有同意, 阮越身行開, 她無像大部份 ê 狗 án-ne koh 來纏; 她消失 tī 樓房後面, 轉去她會得安身 ê 所在.

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1.

It was too early for there to be so much light, so that when I woke my first thought was of snow. We had pulled the drapes before sleeping but they did almost nothing to darken the room, the snow caught scraps from street lamps and neon and cast them back up. It was bright enough to see R. still sleeping beside me, cocooned in the blanket I had bought after the first night we spent together, when I woke shivering to find him bound tight in the comforter we were sharing, swaddled beside me. He repeated the word all that day, apropos of nothing, swaddled, swaddled, he had never heard it before, the sound of it made him laugh. He would sleep for hours still, if I let him he would sleep the whole day. He loved to sleep in a way I didn’t, sliding into it at every chance; it was like his native element, whereas almost always I slept poorly, uneasily, I woke finally with a sense of relief. He complained if I woke him, I’m on holiday, he would say, let me sleep, but he complained more if I let him sleep too long. We only had ten days together, his winter vacation, which he had decided to spend in Sofia while everyone else he knew went home. Mornings were my time to work, to spend with my books and my writing, my time to be alone; I would get up soon but for now I kept looking at him, his face bearded and dark, smoothed out by sleep. It was all I could do not to touch it, as I did often when he was awake, cupping his cheek in my palm or reaching around the curve of his skull. He had shaved his head at the end of the semester, I liked to run my hand around and around it until he ducked and told me to stop, annoyed but laughing, too; even annoyance was part of the pleasure we took in each other, we were that early in love.

I was still groggy with sleep when I turned in to the main room, and I stood uncomprehending for a moment before I realized that R. had rearranged things in the night. He had moved the table to the middle of the room, and had placed my winter boots on top of it, beside the little tree we had bought earlier that week. Sticking up from the boots were packages wrapped in newspaper, his Christmas gifts for me; he must have hidden them somewhere after he arrived, he must have got out of bed in the night, careful not to wake me, he must have been quiet as he moved the furniture. I caught my breath at it, I felt a weird pressure and heat climb my throat. I felt like my heart would burst, those were the words for it, the hackneyed phrase, and I was grateful for them, they were a container for what I felt, proof of its commonness. I was grateful for that, too, the commonness of my feeling, I felt some stubborn strangeness in me ease, I felt like part of the human race.

He had seen snow for the first time that winter, and he loved to be out in it, to stand with his arms outstretched as it fell, his mouth open to the sky. We went out that afternoon, the snow already tracked through but still lovely; the streets were quiet for the holiday, all the shops were closed. We were wearing the scarves I had found when I opened the presents under the tree, which were long and knit in the same pattern, one yellow and one blue; we wouldn’t ever be boyfriends who wore the same clothes, R. said, but one shared thing was acceptable, having one shared thing was nice. We didn’t go far, just halfway down the block, where I whistled, a short upward swoop I repeated three times, the usual signal. She might not be here, I had said, she isn’t always, she goes other places or maybe somebody takes her in, but she came quickly enough from her usual spot around the back of the building. She was beautiful, in her way, tawny and medium-sized like most of Sofia’s street dogs, too skinny and with mange along one side. She was happy to see us, I thought, happy as she always was to get attention, though she lacked the confidence of some of the other dogs; she stayed close to the wall, wagging her tail but not coming too near at first. Even when she let us pet her she tried to keep her distance, cringing in a sidling motion that brought her body within our reach but kept her head angled away, a mixture of eagerness and fear. Somebody had taught her that, I thought, somebody had beaten her, or many people had, but not in this neighborhood, here everyone was kind to her, she was a sort of communal pet. She lost some of her shyness when R. drew the packet of treats out of his coat pocket, clumsy in his mittens, which he had to take off before he could tear open the packet and pull out one of the strips of leathery meat. She started whining when she saw it, prancing closer, and he crooned her name, Lilliyana, though that didn’t mean anything to her, it was just a name he had invented, it suited her, he thought. Ela tuka, he said, a phrase I had taught him, come here, and he held out the treat so that she could take it, which she did by stretching her neck and pulling back her lips, taking hold of it with her front teeth, like a deer plucking a leaf. He had bought the treats the night before, when we were getting supplies for the next day; she should have Christmas dinner, too, he said. She let us pet her more vigorously then, finally coming close, even pressing her side against his legs as she begged for a second piece, which he gave her, though that was all for today, he told her, there would be more tomorrow. She seemed to accept this, she didn’t keep begging once we turned away, as most dogs would have, I thought; she disappeared behind the building again to whatever shelter she had found.

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