3. Téng-chat khek chi̍t-ê kap-á ê téng pòaⁿ sin
Āu-lâi, teh tán bus chài goán ji̍p-siâⁿ ê sî, góa koh siūⁿ khí che. Bus hāu-chhia têng kan-ta goán nn̄g-lâng tī hia, kiu chò-hóe teh bih hong, he hong pí goán só͘ siūⁿ ê khah thàu; he bē kóng chin kôaⁿ, m̄-koh goán ê gōa-thò bô kàu sio, goán chhut-mn̂g chêng sûi-lâng moa ê ûi-kin mā sī án-ne. Hit-sî, R. ta̍h khí-lih tn̂g-í, i lia̍h góa ê keng-thâu, kā góa se̍h kòe-lâi hiòng i. Taⁿ góa khah koân, i án-ne kóng, tō àⁿ lo̍h-lâi chim góa, m̄-sī kin-kin ê chim, i chang góa ê thâu-chang, tháⁿ góa ê thâu ǹg āu, kō͘ chi̍h lā góa ê chhùi. Góa chhì boeh thiu-sin, ná teh chhiò: chit-tiâu lō͘ chhia chin chē, lâng lóng khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h lán. M̄-koh i kā góa lám ân-ân, kip-chhiat chim góa, it-ti̍t kàu góa lí-kái, tiōng-tiám sī boeh po̍k-lō͘, i boeh tián hong-sîn, tī chia bô-lâng bat i, tī chia i ē-tit bô-miâ koh ū chū-iû, ē-tit si̍t-hiān chin-chêng ê lí-sióng. I khò-óa góa, kut-pôaⁿ ah tī góa ê pak-tó͘, góa kám-kak ē-tio̍h i ê ko̍k-ke (cock = lān-chiáu) tī goán tiong-kan ngē-ngē; án-ne tián hong-sîn ē hō͘ i kòe-giàn, góa siūⁿ bô. Góa lia̍h-ân i, kō͘ góa ê sin-khu cha̍h goán, góa kō͘ siang-chhiú thàng-kòe i ê gû-á-khò͘ ân-ân kā lia̍h tio̍h. Góa khai-sí tháu i ê io-tòa, boeh gêng-chiap i ê tōa-táⁿ, kā piáu-sī kóng góa chhap chi̍t-kha; i tī góa ê chhùi nih haiⁿ chi̍t-siaⁿ, sûi tō thiu-sin, kā góa ê thâu tháⁿ-khui. Porta-te bem (khah chèng-keng leh), i kóng, ná chhiò ná khin-khin siàn góa ê bīn, kóng, koai-koai.
Bus kā goán chài kàu Maggiore Tōa-tiâⁿ, tiâⁿ ê tiong-ng ū chi̍t-ê tōa-hêng ê chhâ tiau-siōng, sī chi̍t-ê le̍k-sek chhat bô-chiâu ê îⁿ-thiāu. Ē pòaⁿ-chat bô siáⁿ, téng-chat khek chi̍t-ê kap-á ê téng pòaⁿ sin, ui-giâm koh chiàⁿ-ti̍t, i ê chhùi-tûn peⁿ hiòng āu, piáu-chêng jîn-chû koh giâm-lē. Siang-chhiú sio-tha̍h tī pak-tó͘, ta̍k-chhiú lóng kòa sì-ki chéng-thâu-á; tī ba̍k-phôe pòaⁿ-khàm ê ba̍k-chiu téng, tì chi̍t-téng sì-chhe-chiam ê ông-koan. Thih-sòaⁿ ùi tiau-siōng tiong-chat khan-lo̍h, kā kò͘-tēng tī thô͘-kha ê chúi-nî; chhâ lân-kan tī i ê sì-chiu ûi chi̍t-ê khong-kan. Tńg kàu hotel, goán mn̄g kūi-tâi, hia ê lâng kóng, he kap-á sī boeh sio tiāu, che sī chi̍t-ê thoân-thóng, tī kòe-nî ê sî, sio-tiāu kū-nî. Góa kì-khí góa bat tī tiān-iáⁿ khòaⁿ kòe, hoān-sè sī Fellini tō-ián ê, khǹg chi̍t-ê pò͘ thīⁿ ê bû-pô tī chi̍t-tui kū ka-kū, kū hùi-bu̍t téng, pàng-hóe kā sio, ē pó-pì sūn-lī ê bī-lâi. Góa hòⁿ-kî, Bí-kok ná ē bô lūi-sū ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, tī hia goán ài kek boeh tiông-sin khai-sí, tī hia goán mā ài sio mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Tī Bulgaria mā bô chhiūⁿ che ê oa̍h-tāng, hia ê kòe-nî tī chhù khèng-chiok, ka-têng tī chhù nih thoân-îⁿ, kàu pòaⁿ-mê tī lō͘-tâi pàng phàu-á. Tē-it nî, góa khì hō͘ kiaⁿ tio̍h, phàu-á lak-lo̍h ke-lō͘ ê sî, phàu-á siaⁿ tī piah tōaⁿ lâi tōaⁿ khì, ta̍k-ê lóng chai hit-sî m̄-thang khì hia; kui pòaⁿ tiam-cheng bē-tàng thong-hêng. Che kap piàⁿ-sàu tú-hó tò-péng: kui-ê siâⁿ-chhī phàu-á sap sì-kè sī, bô lâng kā sàu, pau-chong chóa, a̍p-á téng-téng òe kui ke-lō͘, it-ti̍t kàu chhun-thiⁿ lo̍h tōa-hō͘. Hit-ê m̄-sī thoân-thóng ê tiau-siōng, hit-lâng kā goán kóng, ta̍k-nî ū chi̍t-ê pí-sài, gē-su̍t-ka kau-chhut siat-kè, iâⁿ ê chok-phín tián-lám chhut-lâi, khǹg tī chhī tiong-sim, chi̍t lé-pài liáu chiah kā sio-tiāu. Tùi goán lâi kóng, kap-á sī chi̍t-ê siōng-teng, hit-lâng kóng, tī Italia Bologna chia, he tāi-piáu sàn-chhiah, só͘-í ì-sù sī sio-tiāu sàn-chhiah. Lí chai lah hòⁿh, chia ê gûi-ki chin giâm-tiōng, i kóng, siu-sok chin giâm-tiōng, thōng-hó sī kā sio-tiāu. I hōe sit-lé kóng i ê Eng-gí bô-hó, sū-si̍t sī bē-bái, bē pí i ê se-chong kap nekutái khòaⁿ tio̍h hiah bô chū-jiân; i chin siàu-liân, 20 chut-thâu hòe, taⁿ iáu teh tha̍k tāi-ha̍k. Lín tio̍h khì, i kóng, he sī chi̍t-ê party, ū im-ga̍k kap chē-chē lâng, lín ē-tàng khòaⁿ lâng sio-hóe, he ta̍t-tit lín khì khòaⁿ.
Ē-tàng khòaⁿ ê mi̍h chin chē, siūⁿ-kòe chē; góa sì-kè kiâⁿ, khòaⁿ kah khí-sîn. Goán chhut-ji̍p bē-chió kàu-tn̂g, lāi-bīn ū chē-chē ōe-chok, tōa-pak koh hun kah o͘-o͘, thian-pông kheh-móa kok-chióng sek-chhái, góa khòaⁿ kah khí-siān bô-ài koh khòaⁿ. R. chhiong-móa hèng-tì, i ta̍k-hāng lóng siūⁿ boeh khòaⁿ -- siáng chai lán tī-sî chiah ē koh lâi, i kóng. Che tō sī ká-kî ê khùn-kéng, ta̍k-ê ki-hōe to m̄-goān pàng. Ta̍k-hāng lóng bô te̍k-pia̍t, bô siáⁿ kám-tōng góa, it-chhè lóng sī hoe-hoe ê ìn-siōng. Góa boeh chē bus tńg hotel, góa boeh hō͘ ba̍k-chiu hioh-khùn. Koh chi̍t-hāng tō hó, R. kóng, ná hian goán bé ê koan-kong chí-lâm, tō chhōa góa kàu chi̍t-ê sió phok-bu̍t-koán, sī goân-pún tòa hia ê gē-su̍t-ka sí liáu chiah kái-chō ê. Pâng-keng bô chē, sī khai-hòng koh bē e-kheh, piah chhat un-jiû ê pe̍h-sek; hō͘ R. se̍h chi̍t-liàn m̄-bián gōa-kú. Góa tòe i āu-piah, bô-siáⁿ khòaⁿ hiah-ê ōe-chok, lóng sè-sè, bô siáⁿ te̍k-pia̍t, a̍h sī ē-sái kóng, in te̍k-pia̍t ê só͘-chāi tō sī in ê phó͘-phó͘ thong-thong. In chēng-chēng, bô tōa tiûⁿ-bīn, sè-sè tiuⁿ, tú khai-sí góa án-ne siūⁿ, sī chēng-bu̍t kap it-poaⁿ ê kéng-tì, chú-iàu ê chhù-bī chāi tī in kap goán í-keng khòaⁿ ê ta̍k-hāng mi̍h lóng bô siáⁿ koan-hē; hit-ê ōe-ka kui sì-lâng tòa tī chit-ê siâⁿ-chhī, m̄-koh ká-ná bô koan-sim chit-ê siâⁿ só͘ thê-kiong ê hoān-lē, iā-tō-sī chit-ê siâⁿ só͘ tin-sioh ê kî-khá kap hôa-lē. Góa hoat-kak, góa lú khòaⁿ lú kú, lú khòaⁿ lú bān, góa pàng R. ka-tī hiòng chêng kiâⁿ. Kāng-khoán ê chú-tê it-chài chhut-hiān, chhù-lāi mi̍h, pôaⁿ-á kap óaⁿ, bô té kóe-chí a̍h khǹg hoe, kan-ta khang-khang, khǹg tī pêng-tām ê pōe-kéng thâu-chêng. Góa tòng-tiām tī chi̍t-pak tô͘, he sī ū-hīⁿ ê chúi-pân kap kúi-ê au-á, chhián chang-sek ê té, piáu-bīn sī pe̍h kap phú, pōe-kéng sī nâ-sek ê piah. Ū mi̍h lâu góa kè-sio̍k khòaⁿ, ū mi̍h ín góa àⁿ-sin khòaⁿ chim-chiok. Poe-á ê sek kap hêng-thé bô it-tì, chúi-pân tī āu-piah chhun tn̂g-tn̂g, kui-pak tô͘ seⁿ-chò koài-koài, bô tùi-tâng. Góa kám-kak, chit-pak tô͘ ū chi̍t-chióng khì-chit, góa kám-kak tio̍h i kō͘ chi̍t-ê pîn-lu̍t teh hiⁿ, góa boeh chūn góa ê khì kā chiap-siu. Góa kah-ì i khòaⁿ khí-lâi thian-chin, kan-tan ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ koh tit-tio̍h kán-hòa, sûn-chhùi-hòa, a̍h lí-sióng-hòa, chha-put-to pìⁿ-chò kí-hô hêng-chōng, piáu-hiān hong-sek ti̍t-chiap koh bô oân-boán. Pit-chhiok mā bô oân-boán, hiān-hiān, chhìn-chhái, sek-liāu hun-pò͘ bô chiâu-ûn, bô choan-gia̍p; m̄-koh án-ne m̄-tio̍h, góa jīn-ûi i sī chīn-la̍t teh chhoē bó͘-chióng lí-sióng ê mi̍h, hit-ê pîn-lu̍t góa boeh kā lia̍h tio̍h. Khí-chho͘ góa siūⁿ-kóng sī chi̍t-tè chi̍t-tè ê sek, tī góa khò-óa ê sî iûⁿ khì, kiáu chò-hóe, ū chit-kám, ká-ná chhiong-móa ūn-tōng, tāng ê m̄-sī mi̍h-kiāⁿ, sī kng, he kng khin-jiû lak-lo̍h tī in ê téng-bīn, bē kek-lia̍t. M̄-koh, án-ne mā m̄-tio̍h, kng pèng bô lak-lo̍h tī in téng-bīn, in-ūi pēng bô jīm-hô ê iáⁿ; góa kin-pún bô hoat-tō͘ khak-tēng kng ê ūi-tì, a̍h phòaⁿ-toàn chit-ê kéng-tì sī chá-khí a̍h tiong-tàu. He ká-ná chiah-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ hoat-chhut in ka-tī ê kng, he kng bô chhiūⁿ chin-chiàⁿ ê kng án-ne, ùi ōe-bīn ê chi̍t-ê kak-sè (quandrant) sóa kàu lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê kak-sè, jî-sī ná chhiūⁿ ē chùn-tāng, só͘-í ū bó͘-chióng tông-sî teh ūn-tōng kap tiām-chēng ê kám-kak. Góa kám-kak, he lāi-bīn ū chi̍t-ê èng-ún, chi̍t-ê hō͘ góa ê èng-ún, sī iú-koan sèⁿ-miā khó-lêng sī siáⁿ ê chú-tiuⁿ.
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3. 頂節刻一个蛤仔 ê 頂半身
後來, teh 等 bus 載阮入城 ê 時, 我 koh 想起這. Bus 候車亭干焦阮兩人 tī hia, 勼做伙 teh 覕風, 彼風比阮所想 ê 較透; 彼袂講真寒, 毋過阮 ê 外套無夠燒, 阮出門前隨人幔 ê 圍巾 mā 是 án-ne. 彼時, R. 踏起 lih 長椅, 伊掠我 ê 肩頭, kā 我踅過來向伊. 今我較懸, 伊 án-ne 講, tō àⁿ 落來唚我, 毋是緊緊 ê 唚, 伊㨑我 ê 頭鬃, 挺我 ê 頭 ǹg 後, kō͘ 舌抐我 ê 喙. 我試欲抽身, ná teh 笑: 這條路車真濟, 人攏看會著咱. 毋過伊 kā 我攬絚絚, 急切唚我, 一直到我理解, 重點是欲暴露, 伊欲展風神, tī chia 無人捌伊, tī chia 伊會得無名 koh 有自由, 會得實現真情 ê 理想. 伊靠倚我, 骨盤壓 tī 我 ê 腹肚, 我感覺會著伊 ê 咯雞 (cock = lān-chiáu) tī 阮中間硬硬; án-ne 展風神會予伊過癮, 我想無. 我掠絚伊, kō͘ 我 ê 身軀閘阮, 我 kō͘ 雙手迵過伊 ê 牛仔褲絚絚 kā 掠著. 我開始敨伊 ê 腰帶, 欲迎接伊 ê 大膽, kā 表示講我插一跤; 伊 tī 我 ê 喙 nih 哼一聲, 隨 tō 抽身, kā 我 ê 頭挺開. Porta-te bem (較正經 leh), 伊講, ná 笑 ná 輕輕搧我 ê 面, 講, 乖乖.
Bus kā 阮載到 Maggiore 大埕, 埕 ê 中央有一个大型 ê 柴雕像, 是一个綠色漆無齊 ê 圓柱. 下半節無啥, 頂節刻一个蛤仔 ê 頂半身, 威嚴 koh 正直, 伊 ê 喙唇繃向後, 表情仁慈 koh 嚴厲. 雙手相疊 tī 腹肚, 逐手攏掛四支指頭仔; tī 目皮半崁 ê 目睭頂, 戴一頂四叉尖 ê 王冠. 鐵線 ùi 雕像中節牽落, kā 固定 tī 塗跤 ê 水泥; 柴欄杆 tī 伊 ê 四周 ûi 一个空間. 轉到 hotel, 阮問櫃台, hia ê 人講, 彼蛤仔是欲燒掉, 這是一个傳統, tī 過年 ê 時, 燒掉舊年. 我記起我 bat tī 電影看過, 凡勢是 Fellini 導演 ê, 囥一个布紩 ê 巫婆 tī 一堆舊家具, 舊廢物頂, 放火 kā 燒, 會保庇順利 ê 未來. 我好奇, 美國那會無類似 ê 物件, tī hia 阮愛激欲重新開始, tī hia 阮 mā 愛燒物件. Tī Bulgaria mā 無像這 ê 活動, hia ê 過年 tī 厝慶祝, 家庭 tī 厝 nih 團圓, 到半暝 tī 露台放炮仔. 第一年, 我去予驚著, 炮仔 lak 落街路 ê 時, 炮仔聲 tī 壁彈來彈去, 逐个攏知彼時毋通去 hia; 規半點鐘袂當通行. 這 kap 拚掃拄好倒反: 規个城市炮仔屑四界是, 無人 kā 掃, 包裝紙, 盒仔等等穢規街路, 一直到春天落大雨. 彼个毋是傳統 ê 雕像, 彼人 kā 阮講, 逐年有一个比賽, 藝術家交出設計, 贏 ê 作品展覽出來, 囥 tī 市中心, 一禮拜了才 kā 燒掉. 對阮來講, 蛤仔是一个象徵, 彼人講, tī Italia Bologna chia, 彼代表散赤, 所以意思是燒掉散赤. 你知 lah hoⁿh, chia ê 危機真嚴重, 伊講, 收縮真嚴重, thōng 好是 kā 燒掉. 伊會失禮講伊 ê 英語無好, 事實是袂䆀, 袂比伊 ê 西裝 kap nekutái 看著 hiah 無自然; 伊真少年, 20 出頭歲, 今猶 teh 讀大學. 恁著去, 伊講, 彼是一个 party, 有音樂 kap 濟濟人, 恁會當看人燒火, 彼值得恁去看.
會當看 ê 物真濟, siuⁿ 過濟; 我四界行, 看 kah 起神. 阮出入袂少教堂, 內面有濟濟畫作, 大幅 koh 薰 kah 烏烏, 天篷 kheh 滿各種色彩, 我看 kah 起 siān 無愛 koh 看. R. 充滿興致, 伊逐項攏想欲看 -- siáng 知咱底時才會閣來, 伊講. 這就是假期 ê 困境, 逐个機會 to 毋願放. 逐項攏無特別, 無啥感動我, 一切攏是花花 ê 印象. 我欲坐 bus 轉 hotel, 我欲予目睭歇睏. Koh 一項 tō 好, R. 講, ná 掀阮買 ê 觀光指南, tō chhōa 我到一个小博物館, 是原本蹛 hia ê 藝術家死了才改造 ê. 房間無濟, 是開放 koh 袂挨 kheh, 壁漆溫柔 ê 白色; 予 R. 踅一輾毋免偌久. 我綴伊後壁, 無啥看 hiah-ê 畫作, 攏細細, 無啥特別, a̍h 是會使講, in 特別 ê 所在就是 in ê 普普通通. In 靜靜, 無大場面, 細細張, 拄開始我 án-ne 想, 是靜物 kap 一般 ê 景致, 主要 ê 趣味在 tī in kap 阮已經看 ê 逐項物攏無啥關係; 彼个畫家規世人蹛 tī 這个城市, 毋過 ká-ná 無關心這个城所提供 ê 範例, 也就是這个城所珍惜 ê 奇巧 kap 華麗. 我發覺, 我 lú 看 lú 久, lú 看 lú 慢, 我放 R. 家治向前行. 仝款 ê 主題一再出現, 厝內物, 盤仔 kap 碗, 無貯果子 a̍h 囥花, 干焦空空, 囥 tī 平淡 ê 背景頭前. 我擋恬 tī 一幅圖, 彼是有耳 ê 水瓶 kap 幾个甌仔, 淺棕色 ê 底, 表面是白 kap 殕, 背景是藍色 ê 壁. 有物留我繼續看, 有物引我 àⁿ 身看斟酌. 杯仔 ê 色 kap 形體無一致, 水瓶 tī 後壁伸長長, 規幅圖生做怪怪, 無對同. 我感覺, 這幅圖有一種氣質, 我感覺著伊 kō͘ 一个頻率 teh hiⁿ, 我欲捘我 ê 去 kā 接收. 我佮意伊看起來天真, 簡單 ê 物件 koh 得著簡化, 純粹化, a̍h 理想化, 差不多 pìⁿ 做幾何形狀, 表現方式直接 koh 無圓滿. 筆觸 mā 無圓滿, 現現, 凊彩, 色料分布無齊勻, 無專業; 毋過 án-ne 毋著, 我認為伊是盡力 teh 揣某種理想 ê 物, 彼个頻率我欲 kā 掠著. 起初我想講是一塊一塊 ê 色, tī 我靠倚 ê 時溶去, 攪做伙, 有質感, ká-ná 充滿運動, 動 ê 毋是物件, 是光, 彼光輕柔 lak 落 tī in ê 頂面, 袂激烈. 毋過, án-ne mā 毋著, 光並無 lak 落 tī in 頂面, 因為並無任何 ê 影; 我根本無法度確定光 ê 位置, a̍h 判斷這个景致是早起 a̍h 中晝. 彼 ká-ná chiah-ê 物件發出 in 家治 ê 光, 彼光無像真正 ê 光 án-ne, ùi 畫面 ê 一个角勢 (quandrant) 徙到另外一个角勢, 而是 ná 像會顫動, 所以有某種同時 teh 運動 kap 恬靜 ê 感覺. 我感覺, 彼內面有一个應允, 一个予我 ê 應允, 是有關性命可能是啥 ê 主張.
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3.
I remembered this later, waiting for the bus that would take us to town. We were the only people in the little shelter at the stop, huddling together against the wind, which was sharper than I had expected; it wasn’t very cold but it was cold enough for our coats, for the scarves we had draped around each other before heading out. Then R. stepped up onto the bench, he grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face him. Now I’m the taller one, he said, and bent down to kiss me, not a chaste kiss, he gripped my hair and tilted my head farther back to probe my mouth with his tongue. I tried to pull away, laughing: it was a busy road, we were in full view of the passing cars. But he held me tight, kissing me with urgency, until I realized that exposure was the point, that he wanted to show off, here where nobody knew him, where he could be anonymous and free, could live out an ideal of candor. He leaned into me, pressing his pelvis into my stomach so that I felt his cock hard between us; it turned him on to show off like this, I had had no idea. I gripped him, using my body to shield us, I gripped him hard with both my hands through his jeans. I started to undo his belt, wanting to meet him in his daring, to show him I was game; and he moaned into my mouth before he pulled back and pushed my hand away. Porta-te bem, he said, slapping my face lightly and laughing, behave.
The bus left us in the Piazza Maggiore, where there was a huge wooden statue in the center of the square, a cylinder painted an uneven green. The bottom half was featureless, the top carved into the torso of a frog, regal and upright, his lips drawn back in an expression at once benevolent and severe. Two arms crossed at his stomach, four long fingers hanging down from each; above the half-lidded eyes there was a crown with four prongs. Cables stretched down from the statue’s midsection, securing it to the pavement; wooden barriers marked off a space around it. It would be burned, the man working at reception told us back at the hotel when we asked, it was the tradition, the old year burned at the turn of the new. I remembered something I had seen in a movie, Fellini maybe, a stuffed witch on a pile of kindling and old furniture, the trash of the past, the promise of an uncluttered future. I wondered why we didn’t do something similar in the States, where we love to pretend to start afresh, where we love to burn things down. There was nothing like it in Bulgaria, either, where New Year’s was celebrated at home; families gathered in apartments and at midnight they set off fireworks from their balconies. It had frightened me my first year, the sound ricocheting off the walls as the little bombs fell into the streets below, where everyone knew not to be; they were impassable for a good half hour. Which was the opposite of clearing away: all over the city the explosions came down and nobody swept them up, the wrappers and casings littered the streets until the heavy spring rains. It wasn’t a traditional statue, the man told us, there was a competition each year, artists submitted designs and the winner had his work displayed there, in the center of the city, for a week before it was burned. For us the frog is a symbol, the man said, it means poverty, here in Bologna, in Italy, so it means to burn poverty. You know the crisis is very hard here, he said, the austerity is very hard, it would be good to burn it away. He had apologized for his English, but it was very good, less stiff than he seemed in his jacket and tie; he was young, mid-twenties, a college student in a university town. You should go, he said, it’s a party, there will be music and lots of people and you can watch the fire, it’s something you should see.
There was so much to see, too much; I walked around in a daze of looking. We moved in and out of churches crowded with paintings, huge and smoke-darkened, the ceilings crammed with color, I got tired of trying to see them. R. was full of zeal, he wanted to see everything—who knows when we’ll be back, he said. The dilemma of vacations, the exhaustion of the last chance. Everything became unremarkable, nothing moved me, it was all a blur of perfection. I wanted to get the bus back to the hotel, I wanted to rest my eyes. But just one more thing, R. said, paging through the guidebook we had bought, and he led me to a small museum, a house converted after the artist who had lived in it had died. There were just a few rooms, open and uncluttered, the walls painted mercifully white; it wouldn’t take long for R. to make his circuit. I followed him barely looking at the paintings, which were small and unremarkable, or remarkable only for their plainness. They were quiet and unambitious, minor, I thought at first, still-lifes and modest landscapes, interesting mostly for having so little to do with everything else we had seen; the painter had spent his whole life in this city but seemed indifferent to the examples it offered, to the virtuosity and gorgeousness it prized. I found myself looking longer, looking more slowly, I let R. walk on ahead. The same subjects appeared again and again, household objects, plates and bowls, not filled with flowers or fruit but empty, set against a plain background. I stopped in front of one that showed a pitcher and cups, white and gray on a tan surface, behind them a blue wall. Something held me there looking, something made me lean in to look more closely. The cups were mismatched in color and in shape, the pitcher rose oddly elongated behind them, the whole painting was eccentric, asymmetrical. There was a kind of presence in the painting, I felt, I could sense it humming at a frequency I wanted to tune myself to catch. I liked the seeming naïveté of it, the way the simple figures had been simplified further, purified or idealized to geometric forms almost, but rendered bluntly, imperfectly. And the brushstrokes were imperfect too, visible, haphazard, the paint distributed unevenly, inexpertly; but that wasn’t right, really it was striving for something ideal, that was what I felt, the frequency I wanted to catch. What I took at first for blocks of color dissolved when I leaned in, were modulated, textured, full of movement somehow, not the movement of objects but of light, which fell across them gently, undramatically. But that’s not right either, it didn’t fall across them, there weren’t any shadows; I couldn’t locate the light at all, or tell if the scene depicted morning or noon. It was as if the objects emanated their own light, which didn’t move from one quadrant of the painting to another, as real light would, but vibrated somehow, so that there was a sense of movement and stillness at once. There was a promise in it, I felt, I mean a promise for me, a claim about what life could be.
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