2. Bó-kiáⁿ lī-khui liáu, chiām-chiām bô liân-lo̍k
"M̄-bián lah," Shaw Tt kóng, in nn̄g-lâng lóng tiām lo̍h-lâi. Ji̍t-kng thàng-kòe khā móa eng-ia ê thang-á chiò ji̍p-lâi. "Lí tio̍h kì tio̍h, chit-lō tāi-chì ta̍k-lâng lóng ū kak-sek, m̄-sī kan-ta pàng-sak hit-ê lâng." yi kóng, liáu-āu in iū tiām-tiām. "Lí su-iàu siáⁿ-mi̍h bô?"
"Bián, to-siā." Nn̄g-lâng sio tùi-khòaⁿ. "Lí lâi, sī boeh chhòng siáⁿ sioh?" Gopal mn̄g, sui-bóng i m̄-sī boeh àm-sī i siūⁿ boeh kiat-sok kau-tâm.
"Góa siūⁿ boeh chioh lí ê lu-chháu-ki."
"Sî-chūn kàu ah?" Sì-goe̍h tú khai-sí, lō͘-chúi tio̍h kàu tiong-tàu chiah ē ta.
"Chhun-jia̍t," yi kóng.
Gopal ê sim kī-choa̍t tùi che chò-chhut hoán-èng. "Góa lâi khì the̍h lu-chháu-ki hō͘ lí."
In kiâⁿ khì chhia-khò͘. Sio-ho ê ji̍t-kng chiò tī i ê ām-kún āu-niā, hō͘ Gopal chhiong-móa hi-bāng. I siong-sìn, chin kín tio̍h kóng siáⁿ a̍h chò siáⁿ lâi iân-tî Shaw Tt ê lī-khui, in-ūi Sîn tiāⁿ-tio̍h bē koh hō͘ i ko͘-toaⁿ. Chhia-khò͘ móa-móa sī chhàu-phú kap gasolín ê khì-bī. Lu-chháu-ki tī chi̍t-ê im-àm ê kak-lo̍h, téng-bīn khǹg chi̍t-ê alúmih thui. "Che góa í-keng chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan bô iōng ah," Gopal kóng, ná kā thui khǹg lo̍h thô͘-kha, ná tùi Shaw Tt gi-chhùi. "M̄-koh, i eng-kai bô pháiⁿ." I koh khiā-thêng ê sî, i hut-jiân kám-kak khì hō͘ Shaw Tt ê tōa lia̍p leng, siàu-liân-ke thâu-chang, kap ko͘-niû khoán ê ūn-tōng-ê siâⁿ tio̍h. Sīm-chì yi ê phīⁿ-khang mā àm-sī chi̍t-chióng tiong-si̍t ê sèng-io̍k. Gopal siūⁿ boeh chhun chhiú lám yi ê io, kā yi khiú óa ka-tī. Jiân-āu i ì-sek tio̍h, i í-keng án-ne chò ah.
"Mài. Mài," Shaw Tt kóng, ná chhiò ná kō͘ chhiú tháⁿ i ê heng-khám. "Mài tī chit-chūn." yi khin-khin kā i tháⁿ khui.
Gopal bô koh chhì boeh chim yi, m̄-koh i í-keng chin thiòng ah. Mài tī chit-chūn, i án-ne siūⁿ. I hó-lé-á kā gasolín tò ji̍p lu-chháu-ki, piáu-hiān kah chin tìn-chēng, bē-su siang-lâng í-keng ū iok-sok, m̄-bián kín-tiuⁿ. I sak lu-chháu-ki kàu pho͘ chhùi-chio̍h ê chhia-tō, khiú soh-á boeh chhì-giām enjín. Múi chi̍t-kái khiú, i lóng siūⁿ tio̍h: mài chit-chūn, mài chit-chūn. I tán enjín ká chi̍t hun-cheng. Shaw Tt tiām-tiām khiā tī i sin-piⁿ. Gopal kám-kak siūⁿ boeh chhiò, m̄-koh iū siūⁿ boeh hō͘ tāi-chì ká-ná chin sù-siông. "Chiàu lí ê su-iàu, chhut-chāi lí the̍h khì iōng," i kóng.
"To-siā," Shaw Tt bî-chhiò kā ìn. In nn̄g-lâng tiām-tiām sio tùi-khòaⁿ chi̍t-khùn. Jiân-āu, yi sak lu-chháu-ki chhut chhia-tō, kàu lō͘ nih. Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ i, koh kóng, "Góa ē khà tiān-ōe."
"Hó," Gopal ìn, ná khòaⁿ yi sak lu-chháu-ki chiūⁿ-lō͘ koh oat kàu yin tau chhia-tō, ji̍p chhia-tō bóe ê thih-phiáⁿ liâu-á. Chhia-tō hām yi hit-keng bo̍k-tiûⁿ sek chū-the̍h tiong-kan ū 10-15 chhioh ê chháu-tē, kō͘ chi̍t-tiâu ta̍h chhut-lâi ê sió-lō͘ sio thong. Kiâⁿ ji̍p yin-tau chìn-chêng, Shaw Tt oa̍t-sin, khòaⁿ khiā tī chhia-tō thâu ê i. Yi chhiò-chhiò, koh ia̍t chi̍t-ē chhiú.
Tán i tńg-kàu in chhù, Gopal thiòng kah bô hoat-tō͘ koh khùn. Tī lám Shaw Tt chìn-chêng, i lám kòe ê cha-bó͘-lâng kan-ta sī in bó͘, i ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn án-ne jīn-ûi, taⁿ put-kò sī sî-kan ê būn-tê, i ē hām Shaw Tt sio-ài, i ê seng-oa̍h ē hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông. Oh, koh-chài kòe kòe-khì 30-nî lâi ê hit-khoán seng-oa̍h! Gopal tōa-la̍t siūⁿ kah ka-tī mā kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô. Chē bē tiâu, sīm-chì bô hoat-tō͘ léng-chēng siūⁿ, i tī chhù nih kiâⁿ lâi kiâⁿ khì.
In chă-kiáⁿ ê lī-khui hō͘ Gopal sim-koaⁿ kan-khó͘ 2-3 lé-pài, m̄-koh āu-lâi yi oân-choân ùi i ê su-sióng nih siau-sit, i hoâi-gî he kan-khó͘ hoān-sè sī in-ūi chū-chun siū tio̍h siong-hāi, m̄-sī in-ūi pi-siong. Gitu tha̍k gián-kiù-só͘ ê sî, múi-nî kan-ta kap in chò-hóe kúi lé-pài, só͘-í i bē su-liām yi, che chin hó lí-kái. M̄-koh, tùi khùn kāng bîn-chhn̂g ê hit-lâng ê khang-hi kám-kak, mā hiah kín tō tháu-pàng koh siau-sit, soah hō͘ i hoâi-gî, ka-tī kám ū chin-chiàⁿ ài kòe in bó͘. Che hō͘ i kám-kak, in bó͘ hut-jiân koat-tēng khì Indo hóng-būn bô boeh koh tńg-lâi sī i ê m̄-tio̍h, bē khah su Sîn ê m̄-tio̍h. I siūⁿ, Anita tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī khòaⁿ tio̍h Gitu ê lī-khui, koat-tēng bô siáⁿ lí-iû koh lâu lo̍h-lâi, hoān-sè it-chhè tiông-sin khai-sí chóng-sī iáu bē siuⁿ bān. Anita í-keng tī 11 goe̍h bóe khì Indo -- tī Gitu tah Lufthansa pan-ki poe khì Tek-kok hām yin lâm-pêng-iú chò-hóe seng-oa̍h ê chi̍t kò goe̍h í-āu -- chi̍t lé-pài í-āu, kō͘ hôe-siaⁿ chin tāng ê tiān-ōe, yi kā i kóng-khí hit-ê tāi-su kap yi ê khui-khiàu.
Hoān-sè, jû-kó Gopal bô ùi AT&T (Bí-kok Tiān-ōe Tiān-pò Kong-si) thè-hiu, i tō ē-tàng tn̂g sî-kan kang-chok, in bó͘ kap chă-kiáⁿ ùi su-sióng nih sit-lo̍h ê tāi-chì, ū khó-lêng tō ē gō͘-hōe chò he sī chi̍t-chióng tī-liâu. M̄-koh, taⁿ i bô siáⁿ thang chò. Tōa pō͘-hūn i bat ê lâng lóng sī ùi in bó͘ hia khan ê, yi lī-khui ê sî, Gopal bô khà tiān-ōe hō͘ in, in-ūi in it-ti̍t khah sêng sī yi ê pêng-iú, bô sêng sī i ê, mā in-ūi i kám-kak kiàn-siàu, ká-ná in bó͘ ê lī-khui hián-sī i bē-hiáu thiàⁿ-sioh yi. Tī Kitok-Seⁿ hit kha-tau, i ū khì chham-ka chi̍t-ê party, m̄-koh i bô kám-kak hoaⁿ-hí. I hoat-hiān i pēng bô hèng-chhù chai-iáⁿ pa̍t-lâng ê seng-oa̍h, mā bô-ài kóng ka-tī ê seng-oa̍h.
Anita lī-khui chi̍t kò goe̍h liáu-āu, chi̍t-hong yi ê phe kià kàu-ūi -- nâ-sek ê hâng-khong sìn, kóng tio̍h ashram (siu-tō īⁿ) ê tāi-chì, mā kóng tio̍h sàu chhù-tiâⁿ hām ta̍k-kang pài-sîn ê tāi-chì. Gopal sûi kā hôe phe, m̄-koh yi m̄-bat koh siá lâi. I ê chū-chun-sim hō͘ i bô hoat-tō͘ kè-sio̍k thong-phe, sui-bóng yi ê hit-tiuⁿ phe i tha̍k kòe chē-chē piàn, bô-ì-tiong mā kì-tiâu Pune ê tē-chí. I ê hiaⁿ-tī ùi Indo kià lâi chē-chē tn̂g ló-ló ê phe, siá ê phe-chóa po̍h kah boeh thàu-bêng, m̄-koh kúi cha̍p-nî lâi i chin chió kap in liân-lo̍k, chit-ê pi-kio̍k bô kā in giú khah óa, tian-tò sī sak khah khui.
Gitu kià chi̍t-tiuⁿ yi chhēng n̂g-kap-nâ chhu-seh jiaket hip tī Sūise Alpes Soaⁿ ê siòng. Gopal kā hôe-phe, siá kah pit-ōe bē sūn, ōe-kù kó͘-pán, yi kō͘ chi̍t-tiuⁿ khin-khoài ê kng-phe kā i hôe, i koh tán kú-kú chiah koh siá phe kā hôe.
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2. 某囝離開了, 漸漸無連絡
"毋免 lah," Shaw Tt 講, in 兩人攏恬落來. 日光迵過 khā 滿坱埃 ê 窗仔照入來. "你著記著, 這號代誌逐人攏有角色, 毋是干焦放捒彼个人." 她講, 了後 in 又恬恬. "你需要啥物無?"
"免, 多謝." 兩人相對看. "你來, 是欲創啥 sioh?" Gopal 問, 雖罔伊毋是欲暗示伊想欲結束交談.
"我想欲借你 ê 攄草機."
"時陣到 ah?" 四月拄開始, 露水著到中晝才會焦.
"春熱," 她講.
Gopal ê 心拒絕對這做出反應. "我來去提攄草機予你."
In 行去車庫. 燒熇 ê 日光照 tī 伊 ê 頷頸後 niā, 予 Gopal 充滿希望. 伊相信, 真緊著講啥 a̍h 做啥來延遲 Shaw Tt ê 離開, 因為神定著袂 koh 予伊孤單. 車庫滿滿是臭殕 kap gasolín ê 氣味. 攄草機 tī 一个陰暗 ê 角落, 頂面囥一个 alúmih 梯. "這我已經一段時間無用 ah," Gopal 講, ná kā 梯囥落塗跤, ná 對 Shaw Tt gi 喙. "毋過, 伊應該無歹." 伊 koh 徛騰 ê 時, 伊忽然感覺去予 Shaw Tt ê 大粒奶, 少年家頭鬃, kap 姑娘款 ê 運動鞋唌著. 甚至她 ê 鼻空 mā 暗示一種忠實 ê 性慾. Gopal 想欲伸手攬她 ê 腰, kā 她搝倚家治. 然後伊意識著, 伊已經 án-ne 做 ah.
"莫. 莫," Shaw Tt 講, ná 笑 ná kō͘ 手挺伊 ê 胸坎. "莫 tī 這陣." 她輕輕 kā 伊挺開.
Gopal 無 koh 試欲唚她, 毋過伊已經真暢 ah. 莫 tī 這陣, 伊 án-ne 想. 伊好禮仔 kā gasolín 倒入攄草機, 表現甲真鎮靜, 袂輸雙人已經有約束, 毋免緊張. 伊捒攄草機到鋪碎石 ê 車道, 搝索仔欲試驗 enjín. 每一改搝, 伊攏想著: 莫這陣, 莫這陣. 伊等 enjín 絞一分鐘. Shaw Tt 恬恬徛 tī 伊身邊. Gopal 感覺想欲笑, 毋過又想欲予代誌敢若真四常. "照你 ê 需要, 出在你提去用," 伊講.
"多謝," Shaw Tt 微笑 kā 應. In 兩人恬恬相對看一睏. 然後, 她捒攄草機出車道, 到路 nih. 她停落來, 越頭看伊, koh 講, "我會敲電話."
"好," Gopal 應, ná 看她捒攄草機上路 koh 斡到姻兜車道, 入車道尾 ê 鐵鉼寮仔. 車道和她彼間牧場式住宅中間有 10-15 尺 ê 草地, kō͘ 一條踏出來 ê 小路相通. 行入姻兜進前, Shaw Tt 越身, 看徛 tī 車道頭 ê 伊. 她笑笑, koh 擛一下手.
等伊轉到 in 厝, Gopal 暢 kah 無法度 koh 睏. Tī 攬 Shaw Tt 進前, 伊攬過 ê 查某人干焦是 in 某, 伊 ê 一部份 án-ne 認為, 今不過是時間 ê 問題, 伊會和 Shaw Tt 相愛, 伊 ê 生活會回復正常. Oh, 閣再過過去 30 年來 ê 彼款生活! Gopal 大力想 kah 家治 mā 驚一趒. 坐袂牢, 甚至無法度冷靜想, 伊 tī 厝 nih 行來行去.
In chă 囝 ê 離開予 Gopal 心肝艱苦 2-3 禮拜, 毋過後來她完全 ùi 伊 ê 思想 nih 消失, 伊懷疑彼艱苦凡勢是因為自尊受著傷害, 毋是因為悲傷. Gitu 讀研究所 ê 時, 每年干焦 kap in 做伙幾禮拜, 所以伊袂思念她, 這真好理解. 毋過, 對睏仝眠床 ê 彼人 ê 空虛感覺, mā hiah 緊 tō 敨放 koh 消失, 煞予伊懷疑, 家治敢有真正愛過 in 某. 這予伊感覺, in 某忽然決定去 Indo 訪問無欲 koh 轉來是伊 ê 毋著, 袂較輸神 ê 毋著. 伊想, Anita 定著是看著 Gitu ê 離開, 決定無啥理由 koh 留落來, 凡勢一切重新開始總是猶袂 siuⁿ 慢. Anita 已經 tī 11 月尾去 Indo -- tī Gitu 搭 Lufthansa 班機飛去德國和姻男朋友做伙生活 ê 一個月以後 -- 一禮拜以後, kō͘ 回聲真重 ê 電話, 她 kā 伊講起彼个大師 kap 她 ê 開竅.
凡勢, 如果 Gopal 無 ùi AT&T (美國電話電報公司) 退休, 伊 tō 會當長時間工作, in 某 kap chă 囝 ùi 思想 nih 失落 ê 代誌, 有可能 tō 會誤會做彼是一種治療. 毋過, 今伊無啥通做. 大部份伊捌 ê 人攏是 ùi in 某 hia 牽 ê, 她離開 ê 時, Gopal 無敲電話予 in, 因為 in 一直較成是她 ê 朋友, 無成是伊 ê, mā 因為伊感覺見笑, 敢若 in 某 ê 離開顯示伊袂曉疼惜她. Tī 基督生彼跤兜, 伊有去參加一个 party, 毋過伊無感覺歡喜. 伊發現伊並無興趣知影別人 ê 生活, mā 無愛講家治 ê 生活.
Anita 離開一個月了後, 一封她 ê 批寄到位 -- 藍色 ê 航空信, 講著 ashram (修道院) ê 代誌, mā 講著掃厝埕和逐工拜神 ê 代誌. Gopal 隨 kā 回批, 毋過她毋捌 koh 寫來. 伊 ê 自尊心予伊無法度繼續通批, 雖罔她 ê 彼張批伊讀過濟濟遍, 無意中 mā 記牢 Pune ê 地址. 伊 ê 兄弟 ùi Indo 寄來濟濟長 ló-ló ê 批, 寫 ê 批紙薄 kah 欲透明, 毋過幾十年來伊真少 kap in 連絡, 這个悲劇無 kā in 搝較倚, 顛倒是捒較開.
Gitu 寄一張她穿黃 kap 藍趨雪 jiaket 翕 tī Sūise Alpes 山 ê 相. Gopal kā 回批, 寫 kah 筆畫袂順, 話句古板, 她 kō͘ 一張輕快 ê 光批 kā 伊回, 伊 koh 等久久才 koh 寫批 kā 回.
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2.
"That's all right," Mrs. Shaw said, and they both became quiet. The sunlight pressed through windows that were laminated with dirt. "You must remember, everybody plays a part in these things, not just the one who is left," she said, and then they were silent again. "Do you need anything?"
"No. Thank you." They stared at each other. "Did you come for something?" Gopal asked, although he did not want to imply that he was trying to end the conversation.
"I wanted to borrow your lawn mower."
"Already?"April was just starting, and the dew did not evaporate until midday.
"Spring fever," she said.
Gopal's mind refused to provide a response to this. "Let me get you the mower."
They went to the garage. The warm sun on the back of his neck made Gopal hopeful. He believed that something would soon be said or done to delay Mrs. Shaw's departure, for certainly God could not leave him alone again. The garage smelled of must and gasoline. The lawn mower was in a shadowy corner with an aluminum ladder resting on it. "I haven't used it in a while," Gopal said, placing the ladder on the ground and smiling at Mrs. Shaw beside him. "But it should be fine." As he stood up, he suddenly felt aroused by Mrs. Shaw's large breasts, boy's haircut, and little-girl sneakers. Even her nostrils suggested a frank sexuality. Gopal wanted to put his hands on her waist and pull her toward him. And then he realized that he had.
"No. No," Mrs. Shaw said, laughing and putting her palms flat against his chest. "Not now." She pushed him away gently.
Gopal did not try kissing her again, but he was excited. Not now, he thought. He carefully poured gasoline into the lawn mower, wanting to appear calm, as if the two of them had already made some commitment and there was no need for nervousness. He pushed the lawn mower out onto the gravel driveway and jerked the cord to test the engine.Not now, not now, he thought, each time he tugged. He let the engine run for a minute. Mrs. Shaw stood silent beside him. Gopal felt like smiling, but wanted to make everything appear casual. "You can have it for as long as you need," he said.
"Thank you," Mrs. Shaw replied, and smiled. They looked at each other for a moment without saying anything. Then she rolled the lawn mower down the driveway and onto the road. She stopped, turned to look at him, and said, "I'll call."
"Good," Gopal answered, and watched her push the lawn mower down the road and up her driveway into the tin shack that huddled at its end. The driveway was separated from her ranch-style house by ten or fifteen feet of grass, and they were connected by a trampled path. Before she entered her house, Mrs. Shaw turned and looked at him as he stood at the top of his driveway. She smiled and waved.
When he went back into his house, Gopal was too excited to sleep. Before Mrs. Shaw, the only woman he had ever embraced was his wife, and a part of him assumed that it was now only a matter of time before he and Mrs. Shaw fell in love and his life resumed its normalcy. Oh, to live again as he had for nearly thirty years! Gopal thought, with such force that he shocked himself. Unable to sit, unable even to think coherently, he walked around his house.
HIS daughter's departure had made Gopal sick at heart for two or three weeks, but then she sank so completely from his thoughts that he questioned whether his pain had been hurt pride rather than grief. Gitu had been a graduate student and spent only a few weeks with them each year, so it was understandable that he would not miss her for long. But the swiftness with which the dense absence on the other side of his bed unknotted and evaporated made him wonder whether he had ever loved his wife. It made him think that his wife's abrupt decision never to return from her visit to India was as much his fault as God's. Anita, he thought, must have decided upon seeing Gitu leave that there was no more reason to stay, and that perhaps, after all, it was not too late to start again. Anita had gone to India at the end of November -- a month after Gitu got on a Lufthansa flight to go live with her boyfriend in Germany -- and a week later, over an echoing phone line, she told him of the guru and her enlightenment.
Perhaps if Gopal had not retired early from AT&T, he could have worked long hours and his wife's and daughter's slipping from his thoughts might have been mistaken for healing. But he had nothing to do. Most of his acquaintances had come by way of his wife, and when she left, Gopal did not call them, both because they had always been more Anita's friends than his and because he felt ashamed, as if his wife's departure revealed his inability to love her. At one point, around Christmas, he went to a dinner party, but he did not enjoy it. He found that he was not curious about other people's lives and did not want to talk about his own.
A month after Anita's departure a letter from her arrived -- a blue aerogram, telling of the ashram, and of sweeping the courtyard, and of the daily prayers. Gopal responded immediately, but she never wrote again. His pride prevented him from trying to continue the correspondence, though he read her one letter so many times that he inadvertently memorized the Pune address. His brothers sent a flurry of long missives from India, on paper so thin that it was almost translucent, but his contact with them over the decades had been minimal, and the tragedy pushed them apart instead of pulling them closer.
Gitu sent a picture of herself wearing a yellow-and-blue ski jacket in the Swiss Alps. Gopal wrote her back in a stiff, formal way, and she responded with a breezy postcard to which he replied only after a long wait.
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